Confessions of my 17-year-old self

Nothing comes by accident, sometimes it is fate which make things what they are now. It is up to us to decide
whether fate will cause our mishaps. We can always choose. We can always leave.

It was the 25th of October year 1994 when I was born at Sabater Hospital in Pasig. I was raised by a public school
teacher, Jennifer and an OFW, Rolando. Mom gave birth to me on a Tuesday morning through a Caesarean
operation. Mom cannot give birth in normal delivery because she has a heart disease since birth. Thus, this does not
turned down Mom to give life. Rather, she wanted to have another child, they prefer girls in the family because it is
ages when we have had one. My aunt died when she was seven years old. But fate butts in and they gave them
another boy – an additional pain-in-the-ass in our race.

They named me Jason where the meaning to me is still unknown. In some books, it is a Greek name means a
“healer”. Mom and Dad agreed on who will decide with the names. If it is a baby boy, it has to begin with “J” and
“R” if it is a girl. Few years later, my brother came and was named John Mark. He first saw Dad when he was two
years old. He has to go abroad to earn a living and until now, he is still in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia fulfilling his paternal
duties regarding financial matters. I grew up with his lacking presence. When he comes home, all he ever does is to
drink-till-he-drop. He never played father to me or with my brother. Perhaps, it is the sole reason why I never
wanted to have a family, not to marry, to be bachelor until my very last breath. I am afraid to inherit his family’s
flaws – leaving their son, marrying another woman. I grew up with him missing our family portrait regardless the
fact that we do not have one. I grew up with that missing puzzle piece in my life. Family is nothing but a big joke.

His absence and my Mom’s, I never felt how it feels like to have your parents’ assistance with your homework.
Mom is extremely busy with her lesson plans that she can no longer cook for us on meal time while Dad is
somewhere. Sometimes I envy kids playing with their Mom and Dad. I envy family roaming around malls even
with an empty-pocket. I envy family who go to beaches or picnic at parks. Maybe if I do not know how to value
things, I may consider bars as school and home as jail.

I reckon these imperfections made me strive for knowledge. I am a Mr.-Know-It-All guy. I want to have something
to brag, something to rant. But the wind of change came; he gave me the opposite of what I want. Ironic how you
can’t get things you want, isn’t it? I finished my elementary education at San Joaquin Elementary School with no
honors. I graduated at La Immaculada Concepcion School, still with no valid credentials for college. I took
Journalism just to avoid Math. I can’t write.

Perhaps my life will end black and white. I will die gloomy. I will die with no music career. I will die with no
career at all. Fate has given me these options; it is now up to me to decide whether to die with pride or to just die
indifferent.