CHAPTER 9 - NARCISSISM

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NARCISSISM IS ME-CENTERED individualism devoid of empathy. Its

credo is �What�s in it for me?� Its demand, however understated, is �See and
affirm and don�t question my specialness.� There�s no �us� for the
narcissistically bound, regardless of their propaganda to the contrary;
everything that�s �not me� revolves around them. Left unattended, narcissism
is an enormously destructive force because in our narcissism all we care
about is what benefits us, regardless of the cost to others. And if we do show
care to others, we only do so to profit ourselves.

Narcissism is selfishness at its ugliest; in a narcissistic mind-set, others

exist only as objects to be used or manipulated for the desires of �me.� This
status, however, may not be a turn-off for us when we�re with those who are
narcissistic, because their drive to garner our admiration and our validation of
their specialness may manifest as considerable charm, generosity, undivided
attentiveness, and energetic magnetism, to such a degree that we don�t realize
they�re using us. They devalue us even as they woo us.

What�s In Our Shadow When Narcissism Is Running Us

Though narcissism is often described as a self-centered condition, it�s

actually centered not by our real self but by a compensatory flight from our
real self, fueled by the desire to get as far as possible from any of the
following:

Vulnerability. If our vulnerability surfaces enough to even get noticed,

we view it as weakness or deficiency.

Unresolved wounding. There�s no way we�ll approach this when we�re

caught up in narcissism.

Empathy. Narcissism and empathy are mutually exclusive.

The capacity for being we-centered. Being �me� is fine so long as it�s
not marooned from �us.� But in narcissism, �us� turns into a very distant
�them,� housed in the darkest recesses of our shadow.

Shame. The hidden cry here is �Don�t shame me.� The grail for us when
we�re immersed in narcissism is to be established as much as possible out
of the reach of shame. The farther back shame is pushed into our shadow,
the more our narcissism flourishes. Where shame deflates us, narcissism
inflates us, pumping us up with a compelling sense of entitlement and at
least some degree of grandiosity. We conceive of ourselves not as special
but as very special.

Humility. Narcissism conflates humility with humiliation. Humility

doesn�t mean trying to be humble, nonprideful, or free of vanity, but
rather keeping our inflationary me-centered tendencies in healthy
perspective, celebrating others� successes as well as our own, and taking care not
to dehumanize others. It also means learning to expand ourselves
not for imperialistic payoffs but so as to include others in the circle of our
being. Such inclusion is anathema to those infected with narcissism. What
they don�t see is that their aversion to including others is none other than
their aversion to including all that they are in the circle of their being.

The capacity for relational intimacy. The narcissistically inclined don�t

form relationships but rather associations, which provide them (or have
the potential to provide them) with the payoffs they crave, such as being
admired or being in enough control to be relatively unscathed by the
inconvenience of others� displeasure or outrage.

Decentralizing Narcissism

A little narcissism isn�t a problem; most of us have a bit of it, however muted
or inert it might be. All we have to do is not let it occupy a central place in us.
Getting to know our own narcissistic tendencies equips us to relate more
skillfully to the narcissism of others.

The potential for narcissism shows up early in life, appearing with the rise
of our ego. Consider a young child who is loved by one parent and rejected
by the other; the child bounces between being praised and being shamed.
This child is more likely than most to become narcissistic, feeling safest or
most stable when being praised or admired. Furthermore, if this child learns
to distrust the incoming praise (because it does nothing to provide protection
from the incoming rejection and shaming), he or she will also feel insecure,
as well as have a compensatory drive to have as much control as possible (so
as to minimize being rejected or shamed).

Too much praise can foster narcissism, and so can a deeply implanted
sense of entitlement�especially when it coexists with a low degree or lack of
empathy. Heavy shaming can also catalyze narcissism, as a compensatory
strategy. When narcissism takes root, moral development gets frozen in its
tracks; we may continue developing cognitively and in other ways but remain
morally stunted, whatever our station in life and political status.

Instead of shaming ourselves for having narcissism, let�s get more curious
about it and start examining it. We can begin by illuminating our history with
it and our ways of disguising it, sensing within it a child whose sense of self
got seriously derailed�a child whose sense of being somebody special
became far too important.

There�s a deep wound in narcissism, a splitting off from care and loving
connection that drives us into an exaggerated sense of somebodyness. Our
work here is to bring this wound out of our shadow and compassionately
contact what lies at its heart. This labor is more than a cognitive undertaking; it
asks that we open ourselves to such hurt in the same way that genuinely loving and
conscious parents do when one of their children has been hurt. The point is not to
eliminate narcissism in ourselves�an impossible task�
but to relate to it deeply enough so that its viewpoint ceases being our own.