VALLEY VIEW UNIVERSITY

SANDWICH SESSION (AUGUST 2020)

RELG 451 THE BIBLE AND FAMILY DYNAMICS
LESSON SEVEN: SEXUALITY IN MARRIAGE
Lecturer: Josiah B. Andor, PhD
Phone: +233-208905912
Email: joeandor@gmail.com
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SEXUALITY IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is not necessary about sex but because sex is allowed only in the context of marriage, it is a
very important aspect. Sex as a building block/brick in a marriage bonds husband and wife together
and keeps them happier and healthier. So married couples must use it effectively, with variations,
innovations, and true affection. A marriage without sex is only a "living corpse." Couples must note
that the abuse, misuse, overuse or underuse of sex destroys a marriage. Sex can be used as a
"peacemaker" in the marital home. Good, selfless sex is exciting and fulfilling. It eases tension and
calms the nerves. Above all, God blesses marriages with children through sex. That is an inevitable
building block. Use it! Much of this lesson is adapted from Tina Tessina, a licensed psychotherapist and
author of more than 11 books and Shri Stritof.
Love and sex are like the roots that feed the tree. To keep that vital energy going, and the sap rising,
you need to provide something new and interesting. Seduction can be as simple as causing your partner
to ask what you've been doing that has you so energized and interested. When you're enthusiastic,
you're seductive -- it's the most attractive we can be.
Relationships continue to develop in stages, even after the honeymoon is over. Most of us are familiar
only with the early stages: meeting, dating, courtship and commitment. Some have experienced
moving in, marriage and the honeymoon phase, where everything is brand new and wonderful. This
is what the romantic songs and movies are all about, and it has become what people call "being in
love." Extending the honeymoon phase indefinitely is what people fantasize about as "happily ever
after." However, when the all-absorbing process of planning a wedding and honeymoon is over and
the couple comes home to chores, work, money issues, etc., post-honeymoon shock can set in. Real
life is not as romantic as the courtship, wedding and honeymoon, but the real work of developing a
great marriage begins now.
Because many people have not had lasting relationships of their own, they have no experience or
models of the later stages: the development of intimacy and settled partnership phases.
In the development of intimacy, love matures and becomes reality-based. It's the part where the magic
fades, and both of you begin to relax and show your innermost, less-perfect selves. You're beginning
to get to know each other, warts and all. You may feel vulnerable and awkward with each other. In
this stage, you may argue, struggle for power, become irritable and unreasonable. The fear that your
lover will not like this more realistic view of you arises. As a result, both partners need, and have
trouble providing, lots of reassurance and usually lots of personal space. Many relationships don't
make it through this stage, because if the lovers don't understand or expect this change, it can feel like
something is terribly wrong.
Eventually, if the relationship survives, the couple develops a style of intimacy that works for them.
A couple who've made it this far feels more secure, more settled. Now the settled partnership issues
come up: how to keep love alive over a long period of time; how not to take each other for granted;
how to set goals beyond just being together; and how to handle changes.
Settled partnership is the stage where the pleasures of lasting love are realized. At this point, successful
couples know they're loved as they really are. They have become experts in living life together. When
all goes well, the couple has a feeling of security, intimacy and partnership that's truly satisfying and
rewarding. When problems arise, they have the wisdom and experience to keep their commitment
alive through cooperation and mutual understanding.
However, it takes several years to achieve the full benefits of these later stages. Unless you've been
through a very long-term relationship before, it's hard to understand the difficulties encountered in
the development of intimacy stage and the settled partnership phase. It's easy to be discouraged and
give up. People often do much better in their second or third long-term relationships because their
early experience taught them what to expect, and gave them a chance to acquire the necessary long-
term skills. Because we lack education and experience, our early unsuccessful relationships often serve
as practice for later successful ones.

Here are four simple steps to create a successful marriage:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other—about your frustrations, about sex, about anger,
about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about
everything.
 2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get
stuck on who's right or wrong. Focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going through communication, sex, affection, understanding and
concern for each other.
4. Have a sense of humor; give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.

When your relationship lasts for a while, your lovemaking will change. As you get closer, passion no
longer grows automatically out of the excitement of the new and unknown.

Rather than allowing your energy to subside, you can allow your lovemaking to change and grow,
deepening as your partnership does. Couples who develop a sexual repertoire which includes a variety
of sexual habits, attitudes and options report feeling more satisfaction and freedom to express their
love with enough variety that they never get bored. These suggestions will help you create a variety of
experiences together.

Quickies: These are ways you have sex when you don't really have time for a full, leisurely romantic
evening: One of you giving oral sex before you leave for work, petting to climax in the car at a drive-
in movie, using vibrators to have orgasms without a lot of foreplay late at night, taking a nap and
having a "quickie" before rushing off to a party.

Sneaky Sex: This has the added excitement of "forbidden fruit" -- having silent sex behind locked
doors while the children are watching TV, sneaking lovemaking in your childhood bedroom while
visiting your parents, visiting your partner at work and having quickie sex on the couch in a locked
office.

Romantic Sex: This is the full-blown variety: candlelight, dinner, quiet talking, dressing up, perhaps
a lovely hotel room, or a romantic dinner for two when you have time alone at home. Especially good
for anniversaries, Valentine's Day, or anytime your relationship needs a boost.

New Couple Sex: Recreate a scene from your dating days, as closely as possible -- the time you met
at church and couldn't wait to get home and make love, the flowers you used to bring home as a
surprise, or saying all the silly, wildly in-love things you said then.
Making-up Sex: After you've had an argument or a struggle, and forgiven each other, lovemaking
can be extra tender and memorable.

Comforting Sex: When one of you is sad or stressed, the other is especially caring and soothing,
doing all your favorite things to comfort and relax you.

Relaxing Sex: This is the kind to do on a weekend morning, when you have no obligations, and can
laze around, have breakfast in bed, and make love for as long as you want; no pressure, no hurry and
no demands on each other.

Reassuring Sex This is affection and intimacy intended to reassure a partner who is temporarily
insecure, or designed to reaffirm your mutual love and commitment to each other. It is often
accompanied by many verbal declarations of love and explaining again why you are so important to
each other.

Fantasy Sex: Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies -- nurse and patient, two little
children "playing house", master or dominatrix and slave, stripper and customer, extraterrestrial alien
and abductee, famous movie star and adoring fan, your two favorite characters from a soap opera,
novel or movie, or anything else you can imagine. This is a great time for costumes, masks, sexual
toys, leather outfits, or whatever enhancements you enjoy.

Sex does not have to get boring in a long-term marriage. As the years go by and you get older, your
intimate relationship should get better. Sex with your partner can become more satisfying because you
know each other's likes, dislikes, habits, and preferences. We know that life can get in the way. Chores,
kids, finances, and other issues can put a damper on romance. These everyday factors can interfere
with both your desire for sex and finding the time to put in the effort. But don't put sex last on the
to-do list. There are ways to prioritize sex and keep it exciting.

What You Need for a Healthy Sex Life

Building and maintaining a good sex life with your partner requires both of you to put in time and
effort. These are the ingredients that can help you keep your intimate relationship satisfying:

 Productive and meaningful communication

  Love for each other
 Physical attraction
 Willingness to make time for each other
 Date nights, fun, and playfulness
 Acceptance of each other's flaws and quirks

There is no reason why you can't have an active and healthy sex life for many, many years. Try the
strategies listed below to keep these key ingredients in your marriage.

Keep Your Sex Life Healthy and Strong

There are different ways to keep things fun and exciting in the bedroom. Try any of these techniques
to keep sex with your spouse satisfying for both of you.

 Good Communication: Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital
relationship, so talk with one another more! Chatting about superficial things can be fun, but
remember to go deeper in order to really establish intimacy. Share your innermost thoughts
and feelings with one another regularly. Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of
discovery.1 True intimacy through communication is one of the things that can make sex great.
 Share Desires and Expectations: Talk openly and share your sexual desires. Be open and
honest about what you want. You don't want to use this time to be critical of your partner.
Just assert what you want in the bedroom and what makes you feel good.
Talk with one another about your expectations concerning lovemaking. False or unmet
expectations can hurt your marriage. If your expectations are not being met by your partner,
communicate this tactfully and sensitively.
Sex in a long-lasting relationship can deepen and become a richer experience. No matter how
many times you have made love to each other, the wonder and awe of mutual attraction can
still be there.
 Make a Plan: When life becomes busy and schedules are hectic, plan for sexual encounters
with one another. Some people may find scheduling undesirable, but it all depends on how
you look at it. You can make plans just as exciting as spontaneous sex. Flirting throughout the
day or specifying a "sex date" can build anticipation.
  Try to set the mood in advance. If you want to have good sex at night, start the foreplay in
the morning. Let your partner know you care and are thinking about them throughout the day
with notes, e-mails, texts, phone calls, hugs, or other flirtatious gestures.
 Initiate More Often: Don't expect your spouse to be the only one in your marriage who is
responsible for romance. You both need to take responsibility for having an intimate and
successful relationship.
 Hold hands and show affection often: Women particularly need to feel loved and connected
in order to have the desire for sex. Make time for date nights and other novel activities together
and be open to trying new things!

More Tips for Your Married Sex Life

Of course, even with careful planning and genuine effort, you might run into occasions when sex with
your spouse doesn't meet your expectations. Keep these tips in mind.

 Being grouchy or ignoring your spouse during the day hurts your chances of having a positive
lovemaking experience that evening.
 Remember that sex is not going to be perfect each time; don't compare your sex life to the
portrayals you see in movies or on television.
 Recognize that abstinence now and then can be beneficial to your relationship. You may find
that it builds anticipation and start to lust after one another more. It's about quality before
quantity.
 Take good care of yourself. A healthy sex life intersects with your overall physical, emotional,
and mental health.