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Crucial Conversations 160217195837 PDF
Crucial Conversations 160217195837 PDF
Difficult Conversations
This is my summary of a book
called Crucial Conversations
“ The single greatest problem in
communication is the illusion
that it had taken place.
– GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
“ Our lives begin to end the day
we become silent about things
that matter.
– MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
A Crucial Conversation is:
• A discussion between two or more people where:
1. stakes are high
2. opinions vary, and
3. emotions run strong
• and the outcome greatly impacts their lives.
The Fool’s Choice:
Choosing between honesty and
keeping a friend
3 ways of handling crucial conversations:
• Avoid them
• Face them and handle them poorly
• Face them and handle them well
Ask Yourself:
How can I be 100% honest and
yet 100% respectful?
Why conversations go poorly:
1. Biology – high adrenaline causes a fight or flight response.
2. Surprise – they arise without warning.
3. Confusion – they often require us to improvise without time to
rehearse.
4. Self-defeating behavior – we do or say something that makes it worse.
Mastering Crucial Conversations:
The Power of Dialogue
Dialogue: The free flow of meaning
between two people.
Pool of shared meaning (thoughts,
feelings, and experiences) needs to
grow
Successful dialogue results when
everyone feels safe to add their
meaning to the shared pool of
meaning
First principle of dialogue: start
with heart
e.g. How can I have a candid convo about #1 and avoid #2?
Learn to Look:
How to Notice When Safety
Is a Risk
Watch for CONTENT (what) and
CONDITIONS (why) of the
conversation
The sooner you notice conditions
have changed, the sooner you can
change it
It takes knowledge and practice to
know what to look for, and then
actually see it
What do you look for?
1. The moment a conversation turns crucial
2. Signs that people don't feel safe: Silence or Violence
3. Your own style under stress
Spotting crucial conversations:
Notice physical signals
• Sweaty hands, dry mouth or eyes, loud heartbeat
Notice emotional signals
• Scared, hurt, angry
Notice behavioral signals
• Raising voice, pointing finger, getting quiet
Learn to look for safety problems
• Watch for signs that people are afraid
• Nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear
• Fear reduces your ability to see beyond yourself
• Pulling back from content and watching for fear opens your
ability to see
When it's safe, you can say
anything
When you fear people aren't
buying into your ideas, you push
hard (fight)
When you fear harm, you become
silent (flight)
People feel unsafe because of the
conditions, not content, of a
conversation
There are TWO CONDITIONS
required for safety
People feel safe when they:
1. Believe the other person has their best interests at heart
(motives)
2. Respect the other person's opinion (ability)
Don't let safety problems lead
you astray:
• Others may attack you when their safety is at risk
• Recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling
unsafe
SILENCE:
purposefully withholding
information from the dialogue
Notice your
behavior – ask:
Am I in some form of
silence or violence?
Skill for mastering our stories
(retrace your steps)
–M