4/25/2021 Understanding the 4 Communication Styles: What's Yours?

SoulSalt

The 4 Communication Styles: How

Behavioral Traits Affect
Communication
AUGUST 22, 2019

Communication styles are the broad ways in which

people tend to communicate with others. There are
four main communication styles: passive, passive-
aggressive, aggressive, and assertive.

Understanding di erent communication styles can

radically improve the quality of your relationships.
That’s because your level of skill in navigating di cult
conversations depends on your ability to connect.

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Why does communication seem to work beautifully at

times and fail miserably at others?

When communication breaks down, it’s o en because

the patterns and habits of how we communicate — our
communication styles — get in the way.

And if you’re working to develop stronger leadership

characteristics (https://soulsalt.com/leadership-
characteristics/), better communication plays a key role
in shaping a positive culture within your o ce, home,
classroom, and community.

Read on to assess which of the four communication styles you tend to use — and learn to
communicate more e ectively in every interaction.

Communication styles and connection

Our communication styles have the power to build
meaningful connections, a crucial aspect of success in
any area of life. Here are just a few reasons why we
need to connect:

Stong, stable interpersonal connections

(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7777651)
have a positive impact on physical and mental
health, while poor social connection has ill e ects on well-being.
Those who feel connected to others have lower rates of depression and anxiety
(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2860146/).
People with meaningful connections live longer
(https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1467-9280.14461).
Good communication skills and the ability to connect with others directly correlates with
career success (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.1994.74.1.33) and job
performance.

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E ective communication style (https://www.pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html)

builds a strong, healthy family environment.

Connection requires conversation, but as I’m sure we’ve all experienced, breakdowns in
communication happen. We say something that suddenly sends people running for the hills,
hiding under their beds, or ready to start a ght. 

Meanwhile, other interactions leave us confused and uncertain, like we missed the mark in
trying to convey our thoughts and emotions in words.

Then those magical moments happen when our interactions bring us closer to one another.
We feel mutually understood, recognized, and respected. 

Meaningful connection is what life’s all about. When we get it right, it’s a game-changer.

Behavior Traits Influence Different

Communication Styles
Science sheds light on exactly what happens during
human interaction. The Social and Neuro Sciences, just
to name two, have shown us:

Over time, people develop relatively stable

behavior patterns.
People form immediate impressions about others
based on verbal and nonverbal behaviors.
The way people behave toward one another is
determined by their perceptions of each other.
The most important dimensions of human behavior are assertiveness and
responsiveness.

Our behavioral patterns become habitual over time, and may not match our evolving
thoughts and emotions. As a result:

What we say doesn’t always align with what we mean.

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Our communication habits o en don’t re ect our dynamic thoughts and emotions, giving
others the wrong impression of what we want to communicate. These habits a ect the way
others perceive and respond to us during interactions. 

At the same time, we also judge the habitual behaviors of others and fail to understand what
they want to convey. This process leads to gaps in understanding what another person means.
And it happens quite o en.

In her book, Conversational Intelligence (https://soulsalt.com/conversational-intelligence-

how-smart-how-open/)®, Judith E. Glaser explains that 9 out of 10 conversations miss the
mark. Meaning, we have an intention when we speak, but our style, our patterns, and
perceptions get in the way of the other person picking it up. 

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So how do we ensure what we say aligns with what we mean?

Let’s take a closer look at understanding the basic four communication styles, and which one
to practice for better conversations.

The 4 Communication Styles

People develop verbal and nonverbal behavioral
patterns that, over time, become pretty stable. These
habits in uence how we communicate. 

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Although it’s possible to learn and practice di erent

patterns, the communication styles that most people
habitually use are:

1. Passive 
2. Aggressive
3. Passive-aggressive
4. Assertive

Passive Communicators
People who speak in a passive manner have di culty expressing themselves and tend to give
in to others. Failure to express thoughts and emotions o en leads to miscommunication and
built-up anger or resentment.

You can recognize a passive communicator with the following behaviors:

Di culty making eye contact

Inability to say no
Go with the ow type attitude
Poor posture

You may recognize passive communication through phrases like:

“It doesn’t matter that much.”

“I just want everyone to get along.”

Aggressive Communicators
Aggressive communication takes things to the other side of the spectrum. People who rely on
this communication style in the workplace, at home, or among friends tend to dominate the
conversation. They issue commands and ask questions rudely while failing to listen to others. 

It’s always “me, me, me.”

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In positions of authority, they may be more of a boss vs a leader (https://soulsalt.com/leader-

vs-boss/).

You can recognize an aggressive communicator with the following behaviors:

Talks over other people

Poor listening, interrupts frequently
Controlling or demanding
Points ngers
Stares and glares intensely
Frowns
Criticizes, intimidates, or threatens others

You may recognize aggressive communication through phrases like:

“It’s my way or the highway.”

“I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
“Because I said so.”
“I’m entitled.”

Passive-Aggressive Communicators
Passive-aggressive communication seems passive on the surface but reveals a hidden
resentment that comes through in subtle, indirect ways. 

You can recognize passive-aggressive communication with the following behaviors:

Frequent sarcasm
Words don’t align with actions
Facial expressions don’t match words
Di culty acknowledging emotions

You may recognize passive-aggressive communication through phrases like:

“Fine, whatever.”
A er saying something rude, sarcastic, or damaging, “I was only joking.”
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Assertive Communicators
The assertive style of communication o ers an e ective and healthy way to express yourself.
It encourages open, honest dialogue while still considering the needs of others.

You can recognize assertive communication with the following behaviors:

The ability to express desires and needs with con dence

Encourages balanced conversations in which both people have a chance to speak
The use of “I” statements (ex: I feel frustrated when people show up late.)
The ability to say no
Maintains good eye contact

You may recognize assertive communication through phrases like:

“I am responsible for my own happiness.”

“I respect the needs and opinions of others.”
“We all have the right to express ourselves respectfully and honestly.”

You can see why the rst three communication styles could cause problems when trying to
build relationships. Failing to listen to others (aggressive), shying away from con ict (passive-
aggressive), or the fear of expressing ourselves (passive) prevents e ective communication. 

Communication styles are uid. You may rely on an aggressive approach with family
members but speak more passively with work colleagues. Communication styles also shi and
change over time as we grow and learn from life experiences.

Using our words is one thing, having the impact we intend, well that takes skill and practice…
lots of practice.

The good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and improved. 

When you nd yourself falling into aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive patterns, it’s time
to learn a new communication style to create healthier interactions. Although it takes time,
you can learn to recognize your communication tendencies and adjust your patterns.

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Assertive communication fosters an environment that allows both the speaker and listener to
express themselves openly and respectfully. It requires being open, honest, and direct — but
not aggressive. 

Assertiveness helps get your message across in a palatable way, without attacking or
disregarding your conversation partner.

Try these conversational techniques to communicate more assertively:

Express needs and wants with con dence

Take ownership by using “I” statements (For example, “I feel frustrated when you don’t
respond to my questions because it makes me feel unimportant.”)
Maintain comfortable eye contact
Listen when the other person is speaking
Learn how to say “no”

It also helps to know the di erent communication styles so you can recognize when someone
uses them. Understanding the patterns enables you to decode what people mean, and decide
how to best respond.

For example, if someone speaks in a passive-aggressive manner, you can pull them aside and
ask, “Is everything okay? I sensed that something might be wrong.” This allows the person to
open up and feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts rather than lashing out anger or
frustration. 

Now, let’s take things a step further toward improving communication style through self-
awareness.

How To Improve Communication Style:

Know Thyself
Words o en fall short in accurately describing abstract
emotions and dynamic thought patterns.

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I frequently play a game with business clients to

illustrate the limitations of language. Here’s how it
works:

1. I ask everyone to jot down a few notes regarding

what comes to their mind when I say one simple
word. 
2. I ask the group to not say anything, just jot down
the rst image or idea that comes to mind. 
3. Then I say: Here’s the word – Holiday!
4. We go around the room, each person describing what their mind’s eye conjured up when
they heard Holiday. 

A er 18 years of using this exercise, not once have two people come up with the very same image. 

We use words all the time to describe abstract, intangible things. We ascribe meaning to the
words, the sequence, and the timing to describe what stirs within us. But our inner
processings, feelings, thoughts, perceptions, attitudes, and so much more remain invisible.

It’s di cult to grasp these concepts, let alone express them clearly. This is why it becomes so
important to know ourselves rst before we can express what we think and feel to others. 

Fortunately, self-assessment tools and personality indicators like the DISC pro le or
emotional unavailability chart (https://soulsalt.com/how-to-use-communication-like-an-
adult/) can help you better understand yourself.

The DISC Model

The rst distinction to make when determining your communication style starts with how
you make decisions. The DISC pro le (https://soulsalt.com/using-the-free-disc-pro le/)
provides an unbiased personality assessment tool that outlines human behavioral patterns.
Over two million people have taken this communication style quiz.

Here’s how it works:

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The DISC model consists of four quadrants, corresponding to the letters D-I-S-C:

Dominance/Driver: Emphasizes results and the bottom line. 

In uence/Inspirational: Emphasizes relationships and in uencing or persuading others.
Steadiness: Emphasizes cooperation, honesty, and reliability.
Conscientiousness/Contemplative: Emphasizes competence, quality, and expertise.

The DISC pro le assessment teaches you a great deal about yourself. Your social style
indicates strengths, weaknesses, opportunities for greatness. It can also help you identify your
biases, blind-spots, and unful lled needs, which o en show up as bad behavior.

These types of communication style assessment tools develop self-awareness, a key attribute
in personal development, healthy relationships, and e ective communication skills. 

The Link Between Communication Style and

Success
“To get to the next level of greatness depends on the
quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of
our relationships, which depends on the quality of our
conversations. Everything happens through
conversation.”  

Conversational Intelligence®
(https://www.conversationalintelligence.com/home) by
Judith Glaser 

Excellent communication skills run hand-in-hand with success.

What does success look like? (https://soulsalt.com/what-does-success-mean/)

When we re ect on the successful people we know, two characteristics commonly show up.
First, they have a sense of self-awareness and comfort being within their own skin, and a
con dence in their sense of their purpose in life (https://soulsalt.com/how-to- nd-your-
purpose/).
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Second, they o en have an above-average means of relating to other people, be that the
ability to connect, set people at ease, and communicate in a way that encourages trust. 

Now that you understand the four styles, it’s time to develop self-awareness and uncover your
behavioral tendencies and personal needs. Then, employing assertive communication
behaviors, start expressing needs and wants con dently.

Whether your goals relate to your job, health, family, or nances, you’ll never get what you
want without learning to communicate. E ective communication doesn’t mean talking the
loudest, getting the last word, or avoiding con ict.

Powerful communication means understanding your needs and learning how to express
them clearly — while also valuing the messages you receive from others. 

Better communication can help you change your life (https://soulsalt.com/ways-to-change-

your-life/).

Start practicing better communication today to improve relationships, encourage mutual

success, and build trust.

FREE WORKSHEET

Discover How to 4x Your Impact Through Effective

Delegation 
Sign up now and learn our SIMPLE and PROVEN action plan.

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About Lyn Christian

Hi there, I'm Lyn. My purpose is to support you to earn a living and live your
life by doing what inspires you. To accomplish this, I work as a coach,
consultant, TEDx speaker, author and founder of SoulSalt Inc.

COPYRIGHT © 2021 SOULSALT INC.

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