9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being

r stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…

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Shiv Ramdas
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Sep 3rd 2020, 76 tweets, 8 min read

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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to
get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got
crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and
my sister is losing her shit lmfao

If you have never heard a woman destroy a man with one sentence 25 times in a row you should meet my sister.
She's terrifying rn, I'm on the phone and I'm scared and she isnt even angry at me lol

To clarify, this is India so when I say truck, I don't mean SUV, IT IS A LITERAL LORRY FILLED WITH RICE

Update: BIL is now negotiating with lorry driver. My requests to keep phone on speaker so I can here have been
coldly rebuffed. I can however confirm that bribe has been offered and rejected. I cannot say whether this was a
question of principle or price

Update 2: BIL wants everyone reading this to know that I'm dick for livetweeting it and this is not helping

as a horror writer, I can now confirm to ou with evidence that anything can be horror, I just watched a man's face
curl up in abject terror at the words "Why Is It Still Outside My House?"

Update to Drama: BIL had come in to explain that driver insists they'll have to take the rice(and pay) but midway
through thouht better of it and is now negotiating with driver again. An excellent demonstration of the flight
instinct in mammals when confronted with mortal peril

Side update: They also apparently have to unload the rice themselves.

Update: Calls are now being made to owner of warehouse

Update: Warehouse Owner is not taking calls. Spot negotiations have resumed.

Also all of you enjoying this need to join me in thanking Mom for going above and beyond the call of duty and
carrying phone between locations & also relaying key info while somehow also social distancing so we can
continue bringing you our live reporting on this unfolding crisis
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9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…

Update: BIL is making headway. Lorry driver and helper have accepted cigarettes from him. Negotiations have
resumed while all 3 smoke.

Update: Lorry driver just laughed at something BIL said. BIL also laughing. Cigarettes may have been a
masterstroke by BIL. We are moving our reporting back indoors to inform Sis.

Key Update: Cigarettes were in fact a huge strategic blunder because BIL apparently assured sis that he's definitely
finally quit smoking on Sunday and in no way shape or form was supposed to have packs of cigs just there in
pocket ready to be used as negotiating aid.

Update: Bereft of victims for the moment, sister is now asking me if I knew about this. There may be a slight lull in
updates while I swear innocence and try to avoid becoming collateral damage in this tale of Indian Carnage

Update: I have convinced sister that I am not party to this. However Mom and I have fled back outside because
dad just walked in and asked sis "what is this truck outside why did you call it?"

BIL Update: Warehouse Owner still not taking calls but they have reached some chappu of his who told them to
call someone called Manu, he'll take care of it. Thats all we know about him. He's Manu, this his number and he'll
take care of it. He is the Mr Wolf of warehouse cockups

Update: Manu is not answering the phone.

Update: Dad has also come outside and joined outside reporting crew. Mom asked him why are you here and his
response was why are YOU here?

We are all here

Update: Manu just called.

Manu is now speaking to lorry driver. Driver is getting animated. He is the real victim(I kinda agree)

Manu is now speaking to BIL.

BIL is getting animated

Manu has asked to speak to lorry driver again

Manu clearly believes in getting all sides in a conflict before coming to a decision because he is now speaking to
lorry driver's assistant. A wise judge. Maybe he'll want to speak to me too. One can but hope.

Manu is now speaking to BIL again. So far he has shown no interest in speaking to us. This is humbling.

Mom is scolding dad for demanding to speak to Manu. Dad has been banished back inside as punishment.

Meanwhile Manu and BIL do not appear close to a resolution.

Dad attemped to break curfew and come back out. He has now claimed he's done with the whole thing and doesnt
care and also where the hell is dinner and he is going to room to watch news because state of the world matters
more than a ruddy truck.
Valid points, but I am skeptical.

BREAKING NEWS: Manu Is Coming

First however, Manu obv has to talk to driver again. Manu seems to be a talker, he has lots to say to everyone.

Still nothing to say to me though. Hey Manu, nobody likes a snob, you know. I'm a person too.

Phone has been hung up. We are now waiting for Manu.

holy shit a lot of y'all care about my BIL and his misadventures with rice trucks. We're still waiting for Manu so
consider this an ad break. Get popcorn, visit the loo, order some rice.

also since whats an ad break without ads, I talk about storytelling, humour etc here:

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9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…
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Update: Manu called again. He is lost and needs directions.

Mom is making everyone eat food while we wait. Ironically there is no rice on menu.

Update: Mom just called back. I think Manu may have arrived.

Ok we're outside(sorry bout delay, but we're dependent on mom who DGAF about anyone during dinner, even
Manu)

Since I know I cared about this and was wondering, Manu kinda looks disappointingly average. He's just normal,
random desi uncle in shirt pant. Sad!

Manu, Lorry Driver and BIL are now all talking. Literally all talking. at the same time.

BIL shows off his chops and seizes the floor.

BIL is now making what appears to be a passionate case. Manu certainly appears sympathetic, he is nodding.

Manu is now nodding at what driver says. Manu nods at everyone.

BIL just played the "are you married" card. This is escalating. Manu's sense of husbandly empathy has been
invoked.

It turns out Manu is indeed married. BIL is visibly relieved.

Lorry Driver wants them both to know that he too is married.

In a tragic twist, Lorry Drivers marriage was not deemed worthy of discussion by anyone. Lorry Driver is now my
rooting interest

It appears Manu is brokering some sort of compromise.

Apparently compromise is that if BIL buys some sacks of rice* and then Manu will make the rest just go away.

*Number under negotiation

Manu has opened aggressively with a you take half I take half offer. BIL has counetered by pointing out in that
case Manu will need to take him too

BIL is now saying he can do 10 bags but does Manu want a bottle of scotch thrown in? I deeply admire this man's
commitment to corruption.

Plot
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9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…

The lorry driver has shared that he however, would rather like a bottle of whisky. He is also willing to accept rum.
He's accomodating like that.

Manu has informed him he won't be getting anything of the sort. Lorry driver looks unhappy

Lorry driver is no longer speaking up when Manu wants him to chime in. Heel turn.

BIL just produced a MS Dhoni/Tom Brady level comeback and has sent for rum for lorry driver. He is exploiting
the breach.

Meanwhile mom wants to go to bed and I need to convince her not to she is our only window into this ricely saga
send thoughts and prayers

Update: Mom is not going to bed just yet, I invoked this ridiculously large audience and it swayed her.

I think she may be judging y'all for caring this much about rice, but she's been judging me my whole life too, you'll
be fine

Neighbour Uncle has emerged wearing kurta pajama. He wants to solve the problem himself.

Neighbour Uncle has unemerged because he was not wearing a mask and Neighbour Aunt was shouting at him

Meanwhile BIL and Manu seem to be closing in on a deal in the 20-25 bag range. Lorry Driver is now not even
trying to hide his alignment switch.

They are now shaking hands. I believe we may have an accord.

Final terms: 23 bags, one bottle Old Monk, one bottle scotch*. Everyone is exhausted.

* Lorry driver is the best fucking negotiator of the lot

ITS NOT OVER OH GOD NOW WHO WILL UNLOAD 23 BAGS ARGUMENT HAS STARTED

Lorry driver is sick of this shit. He has told helper to unload bags.

Helper, LD and BIL are now unloading bags. This will take a while.

Manu's work is done. He is leaving. This is not the only crisis he needs to solve tonight, no doubt. No rest for the
elite specialist

Neighbour Uncle has re-emerged, now wearing mask.

BIL just asked Neighbour Uncle to help with bags. I don't think I've ever seen a senior citizen walk home that fast.

Correction: He is not a senior citizen apparently. My mistake.

OK, bags have finally been unloaded. BIL is now tipping lorry driver and helper. Helper also wants a bottle of Old
Monk, BIL is so broken he just said OK sadly and went in to get it.

OK goodbyes are being said. BIL and LD are now besties it seems. BIL made a joke about hell of a night. Both
laughed. LD made a joke about how BIL's night is only just beginning because he has to go back in.

BIL did not laugh.

Ok Mom's had enough, everyone has, we all have jobs and beds and lives to get to so to wrap up, BIL says in the
morning he will call friend who works at an NGO to donate the rice. All's well that ends well.

Almost.

You see, BIL has just realised he was caught with cigarettes. He seems much less eager to go in than 10 seconds
ago.

Mom however is 100% done, so we end our live report this AM with these final images for you, of a man standing
on his verandah, surrounded by 23 sacks of rice, afraid to open his own front door.
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9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…

Thank you for sharing our family journey through the saga of my BIL and his rice.

OK, I just realised HOW MUCH this has blown up, JFC you ppl are somethin else please never change.

Oh, if you enjoyed how I tell stories, I'm telling some of my own and doing questions here later this month, online,
its free, you just need to sign up.

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9/5/2020 Thread by @nameshiv: OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to…

More from @nameshiv see all

Shiv Ramdas Shiv Ramdas

@nameshiv @nameshiv
Aug 1st 2020 Jun 28th 2020

A lot of the debate around worldcon venue bids is pretty
uncomfortable to watch, from every angle tbh. Rant Time.
For one: No place where attendees are at risk for their
gender, dress or sexual orientation should ever be on the
ballot. Saudi Arabia is a nonstarter. BUT 1/
Those aren't the only questions. The first WC I tried to
attend, I was rejected at visa application. Indians don't come
here just to attend cons, they said. What's SFF to do with
you? Surely you will never leave the US. Ok I figured.
d f
Read 8 tweets
Ok mine never did any of this, but gather around children, &
I will now tell you the story of how my grandmother, the
quietest women ever, beat up the most famous magician in
Asia in the middle of his act 1/
Context: We're talking Calcutta, in the early 90s. The whole
continent is still in thrall to the First Family of Magic, the
Sorcars. PC Sorcar was the original David
Copperfield/Blaine. Man was making trains filled with
thousands of ppl vanish. 2/
Read 12 tweets

Shiv Ramdas
@nameshiv
Jun 8th 2020

Since many people still seem to be falling into this

deliberately set trap, when we talk about "famines" in British
India, pls understand we don't mean some confluence of
weather & hard luck. The targeted famine to assert control
was an essential part of British policy in lndia

So how do you engineer a famine? Lots of ways. Lets take the

most common- crop enforcment. British troops control an
area and at gunpoint tell villagers(who are almost always
subsistence farmers) that now half(usually more) of that land
f d f h
Read 7 tweets

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