Wedding Secrets!

by Tom Erb

Tom Erb (c) 2017 stagerightcom@gmail.com941.716.0970.

 ACT I
Scene I

Place: Glastonbury, Connecticut

Time: 10:00 o:clock in the morning
The day before Laura’s June wedding.

Lights up on the Engle home that is a large

contemporary colonial style home. The living room
(SR) has a large couch and a recliner with a
sprouting lamp with three round silver lights
hanging over it, and a large glass coffee table.
(DR) is small bar. Directly behind the couch is a
hall that leads to the large decorated front door
and the stairs to the upstairs bedrooms with
family framed photos hanging on the walls. The
kitchen (SL) has a oval wooden table with six
chairs surrounded by the dated appliances and
yellow cabinets. There is a door off the
kitchen(SL)with French Doors leading out to the
large patio and backyard where the wedding and
reception will take place.
The doorbell rings.

Enters Kathy Engle from upstairs. The mother of

the bride is in her late fifties who has kept her
youthful vibrant looks, she is wearing a tennis
like outfit with her long blonde hair tied back in
a pony tail.
KATHY.
(Calling up the stairs.)Richard the children are
starting to arrive, please come down to greet them.

Kathy goes to the door and opens to reveal Laura.

RICHARD.
(From upstairs)OK, Kathy, I am ready to start this
exciting new day.

Enter Laura the Bride. She is is late-twenties,

stunning in a Barbie kind of way in both looks and
dress, big blues eyes and a disarming smile.
Enter Robert the Groom. He is a very handsome in a
Harvard preppie kind of way. His hair is dark and
neatly combed, clean shaven with a square chin,
and dimples to go with his dazzling smile and
bedroom eyes. He is attending is final year at
Harvard Law School.
 2.

KATHY.
Laura, baby!(Hugs.)
LAURA.
Mother it is so good to see you in person instead of on
Skype.
KATHY.
(Breaks their hug.)...and Robert it is so good to see
you too.(Hugs her future Son-in-law.)Come on in we have
so much to do before the service tomorrow.
Laura and Robert drop their suitcase, enter the
living room and sit on the couch.

KATHY.
(Calling out again.)Richard please get down here. Laura
and Robert are here. I just put on some coffee, would
you like some coffee, Robert?
ROBERT.
Yes, sure I will have a cup, cream one sugar.
KATHY.
And you honey?
LAURA.
No thanks Mom, I am fine.
Enter Richard coming down the steps with a towel
over his head and his face can’t be seen clearly.
He is early sixties and relatively good shape
wearing plaid shorts and a pink tank top. He
always is a very positive person and sees the
glass as half full.
RICHARD.
(Seeing Laura.)There is my baby, the star of the day.

LAURA.
(Laura rushes to him for a big hug. His back is to the
audience and we can see Laura’s face looking at her
mother confused about the towel.)Daddy, it is so good
to...see you.

RICHARD.
(Breaks away and turns to Robert.)Robert!
ROBERT.
(Rises from the couch and reaches his hand out to shake
his hand, and Richard throws a big bear hug on
him.)Hello Sir?(He looks at Kathy with a confused look
on his face.)
 3.

RICHARD.
It’s so good to see my soon to be Son-in-Law, who will
soon be a Harvard Law Graduate, and who will give us
lots of grandchildren, and legal advise...(Chuckle) How
are you son?

ROBERT.
(Wrestling to break the hug.)I am good sir.
KATHY.
Richard please clean out the car. We need to be able to
fit as many as possible when us girls head out to
finalize things today.
RICHARD.
I would love to darling. I will finish cleaning up and
get right on that.(Exits up the stairs.)

KATHY.
(Crosses over with Robert’s coffee and sits in
recliner.)So, are you excited?
LAURA.
(Sits back on couch next to Robert.)Absolutely!
KATHY.
How about you Robert?
ROBERT.
(He is still in shock with Richard’s greeting.)I can’t
wait till this beautiful woman is my wife.
LAURA.
That is so sweet.(They kiss.)

KATHY.
That is so sweet.
LAURA.
Mother?

KATHY.
Yes, dear?
LAURA.
Is Daddy OK?

KATHY.
(Rises from chair and moves to the kitchen to clean up
the coffee.)He is fine dear. You know your father.
 4.

LAURA.
(Crosses to the kitchen.)Yeah, but that was a bit over
the top. What was the deal with the towel?
KATHY.
(Changing the subject.)Patty will be here at anytime
and we can go to the florist to check arrangements,
corsage’s and boutonnieres. Then we have to finalizing
the menu with the caterers, and go by the rental place
to sign the contract for all the chairs and tables, and
finally go for the last and final fitting of your
dress, and pick it up. Plus, I want you to do something
for me this weekend.
LAURA
OK. What is that?

KATHY.
Please don’t make a big deal about Stephen’s situation.
LAURA.
What? You mean that he is gay.

KATHY.
Yes, I hate it when you do that. It is so
condescending.
LAURA.
It’s OK that I have a gay brother.

KATHY.
There! Just like that. No one cares that it is OK with
you. Keep it to yourself. Please!(Starts to cry.)

LAURA.
OK, Mom...I will. I had no idea you felt this way.
The door bell rings
Enter Richard rushing down the steps, he is
wearing the same shorts with a hooded sweatshirt
with the hood up and his back to the audience
RICHARD.
I will get it!(Opens the door to reveal Patty.)

Carrying a suitcase.
PATTY.
(Drops the suitcase and jumps into Richards
arms.)Daddy, it is so good to she you. You always make
me smile and forget about the worlds problems.
 5.

RICHARD.
There are no problems "Shortcake" we are going to have
a beautiful and outstanding weekend. Your Mom, Laura
and Robert are inside I have to clean out the
car.(Exits)

Enter Patty Jones into the house leaving the door

open. Laura’s older sister. There is a
resemblance, She is early thirties, colored red
hair, nice smile. It shows that a husband and
children have aged her. Laura runs and jumps into
her arms.
LAURA.
"Shortcake" I have missed you so much.
PATTY.
(Annoyed.)What is it with you and Daddy? You know I
hate that name. Why can’t you let it go?
LAURA.
It’s good to see you too, Oh, come on, I love that
nickname.(Crosses and sits next to Robert.)

PATTY.
(Condescending)It’s been over twenty years for Christ
Sake!(Moves to kitchen.)Hello Mother,(Hugs Kathy and
sits in kitchen chair and turns her head to
Robert.)Hello Robert, congratulations.

ROBERT.
Thanks, Patty.(To Laura)Why do you call her
"Shortcake"?
PATTY.
(Jumps out of her chair and runs into the living room
and sits on the recliner leaning into Laura.)I swear if
you tell him that story I will pick-up my suitcase, and
go back home.

KATHY.
Patty don’t be so dramatic. Today is not the day for
dramatics.
LAURA.
Why are you mad? I love the name because it takes me
back to a very special memory of my childhood.
PATTY.
Did you ever consider that it is NOT a very special
moment in my childhood...now drop it.
 6.

KATHY.
(Changing the subject.)So, how come Ralph didn’t come?

PATTY.
He couldn’t get the time off, must be a busy time for
air traffic controlling, I guess. Plus, it was a chance
for me to get away without the Ralph Jr. and the twins.
LAURA.
I follow the pictures on Facebook. The twins are
beautiful.
Enter Steve through the open front door. He is the
younger brother to Patty and Laura. In his early
to mid-twenties clean cut and well dressed good
manners. Plus, he is gay!
STEVE.
Hello everyone!!!(Everyone rises and the mood of the
room completely changes. Patty, Laura and Kathy run to
Steve and shower the prodigal son with love and Robert
reaches his hand to him and shakes it through all the
woman.)Hello Mother!
KATHY.
How did you get here? You said you were going to take
the train and would need a ride.(Crosses to the kitchen
and puts on a fresh pot of coffee.)
PATTY.
Hey little brother...you look so good!

LAURA.
Steve I am so glad you are here for my wedding.
PATTY.
Me too. I am so glad we are all here for your wedding.

STEVE.
(To Patty.)I have missed you and been thinking about
you a lot "Shortcake"
PATTY.
(Hugs Steve.)I have missed you too.

LAURA.
(To Patty.)Hey, wait a minute? I call you "Shortcake",
and you read me the riot act, and little brother walks
in and blurts it out, and he gets a hug?

PATTY.
Please! He does it in an endearing way, and you do it
to make me feel like you have some kind of control.
 7.

LAURA.
That’s ridiculous. You really need to move on with this
issue you have with me.
KATHY.
Will you two please stop with this today.
STEVE.
Robert, it is getting close. I am looking forward to
having a lawyer in the family.

Billy Patterson is heard from outside the front

door.
BILLY.
(From outside the front door.)Hello? Is anyone there.

STEVE.
Billy, come on in.
Enter Billy Patterson. There is only one word to
describe him. "Stud", He stands around 6’3" with
bleached blonde hair and bright baby blues eyes.
He is wearing a white tank-top to accentuates his
deep tan and defined shoulders, chest and arms
from obvious weight-lifting, and camouflage cargo
pants that still show his developed legs and red
flip-flops. There is also a very large bulge that
suggest his large endowment. He has a backpack
over his shoulder and is carrying two suitcases.
BILLY.
There you are, I have your suitcase.

STEVE.
You can drop them right there. I want to introduce you
to a few people.
BILLY.
(Putting down the suitcases and backpack.)I met your
Father out in the driveway cleaning out the car. He
really brighten my day. Very positive guy.
STEVE.
He will try and do that.(Pointing at Laura and
Robert.)This is the bride and groom.

BILLY.
Oh, Laura and Robert?(Moves to Laura and sweeps her up
into his arms.)Steve has told me so much about you.
 8.

LAURA.
(Completely in shock, but takes the opportunity to grab
Billy’s defined shoulders as he puts her down, and
struggles to speak.)Oh..I..am..so glad to meet you.(She
is under a spell looking into Billy’s eyes causing a
uncomfortable pause.)
After a long uncomfortable pause Robert clears his
throat and snaps Laura back to reality..
Patty watches with a lustful gaze awaiting her
introduction.
STEVE.
Laura?(Still caught in Billy’s eyes.)
LAURA.
Yes?(Then snaps out of it and turns to Steve who is
motioning with his head toward Robert.)What? Oh, yeah!
Billy this is my soon to be husband, Robert.
ROBERT.
Hello, Billy.(Reaches his hand out to shake and Billy
turns and does a big handshake and a man hug with
Robert, who goes limp because he assumes that Billy is
gay because he is Steve’s guest.)
BILLY.
It is great to meet you. I understand that you will be
a lawyer soon.
ROBERT.
Well, I have to graduate first, and then pass the bar,
which is very.....

PATTY.
(Jumps in reaching her hand out to Billy because she
had waited long enough to be introduced.)Hello Billy I
am...

BILLY.
(Looking at Steve and pointing at Patty.)"Shortcake"?
PATTY.
Yes! Yes I am "Shortcake"!(Billy grabs her and lifts
her off her feet and she is hugging and touching him
all over, and he lowers her slowly and she get caught
in the same spell.)
BILLY.
Steve told be all about you and how you got the
nickname "Shortcake".
 9.

PATTY.
(Still in the spell.)That’s nice.
LAURA.
(Surprised, starts snapping her fingers in front of
Patty’s face.)Hey snap out of it.

PATTY.
(Irritated)What?
LAURA.
Why can everyone else, including complete strangers
call you "Shortcake" except me.
PATTY.
(Looking back in Billy’s eyes.)Because you are a bitch!

KATHY.
(Angry)Patty, that is uncalled for, I want you to
apologize to your sister.
STEVE.
(Pulls Billy toward the kitchen.)Billy this is my
Mother.
KATHY.
Billy I am so sorry you had to see that.
BILLY.
I understand Mrs. Engle, my siblings and I are the same
way.(He reaches down and picks her up off the ground
and hugs her and she lets out a sigh, then he slowly
lowers her down and she is caught in the spell looking
in Billy’s eyes.)

LAURA.
(Dreamy)Do you have many siblings, Billy?
BILLY.
Yes, I have two older sisters and a twin brother.

KATHY.
(Surprised)Really? is he as...tall as you?
BILLY.
Yes, we are identical...even our parents have trouble
telling us a part.
Reactions from Laura and Patty
Enter Richard
 10.

RICHARD.
(He is carrying a large flower arrangement in front of
his face and crosses (DL) in front of the kitchen table
with his back to the audience. Kathy and Billy remain
talking.)Look what was just deliver. Aren’t they
beautiful?
KATHY.
(Dreamy)Yes, dear they are beautiful. Richard this is
Billy, Stephen’s friend.
LAURA.
Mother! Snap out of it!
RICHARD.
We met in the driveway...hello again Billy.(Crosses
back to the front door.)I am am almost finished with
the car, just need to vacuum it.(Starts to exit out the
open door, suddenly appearing is Sally Jefferies. She
can’t be seen but their conversation can be heard and
you can see Richard’s back.)

Kathy snaps out of her spell and moves back from

Billy.
RICHARD.
Hello Sally, how are you.

LAURA.
(Jumps up from the couch.)Sally is here.
KATHY.
I am going to have to put some snacks together.(Starts
to look for something to make.)
SALLY.
I am great Mr. Engle, and everyday I am left here to
spread the word.

RICHARD.
Yes, you are right...keep spreading the joy, Sally.
SALLY.
Speaking of joy, has Laura arrived?

RICHARD.
They are all inside. I have to vacuum the car.
SALLY.
Hello?

Walks inside to the house and puts her bag down

and Laura rushes to hug here.
 11.

Enter Sally Jefferies walks inside to the house

and puts her bag down and Laura rushes to hug
here. She is Laura’s best friend since childhood
and her Maid of Honor. She is late-twenties, but
looks older with long curly red hair, tall and has
a sultry look about her. She just recently found
god, but doesn’t thrust her beliefs on others. She
is a renowned erotica paperback writer.
LAURA.
(Hugging)Sally-Wally it is so good to see you.

PATTY.
What is it with you with hanging on to childhood
nicknames. Everyone has grow up...except you.
STEVE.
Oh, "Shortcake" give it up.(Laughing)
PATTY.
OK, Pee-Pee Stevey!
STEVE.
(Still Laughing.)Now you watch it!
KATHY.
(Crossing to Sally.)Patty will you please stop! Sally
it is so good to see you.(Hugs Sally.)It has been a
while.(Crosses back to kitchen.)

STEVE.
(Moves to Sally and hugs her.)Hey, best sis, who isn’t
a sis.

SALLY.
Steve you still remember that?
STEVE.
How could I forget that...you were my hero that day.

LAURA.
Sally you remember Robert?
STEVE.
How could I forget the man that won my best friends
heart.

ROBERT.
(Rises and kisses Sally on the cheek.)It’s good to see
you again, Sally.
 12.

STEVE.
Sally this is my friend Billy.

BILLY.
(He was hidden from view by the flower arrangement on
the table. Billy moves to Sally and she sees him fully
for the first time.)Hello Sally.
SALLY.
(Reaches her hand out to shake his with her eyes
focused on his.)Hello...Billy...
BILLY.
(When he reaches her he sweeps her into his arms, lifts
her off the ground, hugs her deeply and slowly lowers
her to the ground with their eyes locked.)It so nice to
meet you, Sally, Steve tells me that you are a writer?
SALLY.
(Dreamy with eyes still locked.)Yes, Billy I am a
writer.

BILLY.
What do you write, Sally?
STEVE.
I write love stories.

Everyone in the room response with a under the

breath sound.
BILLY.
That’s great!
STEVE.
(At Laura, Robert and Patty.)Love Stories?
SALLY.
(Still in a spell.)Erotica love stories.
PATTY.
Trash novels.
LAURA.
OK, that is enough.(Crossing to Sally and Billy.)Snap
out of it Sally!(Pulling her away from Billy.)
SALLY.
(Back to reality.)What...happen?

KATHY.
Great! Everyone is here. Now we can lay out the
responsibilities for the day. We have a lot of work to
do. Steve go get your father so we can started.
 13.

STEVE.
OK, Mom(Steve exits out the front door.)
KATHY.
Laura, Sally and Patty, we have to go to the florist
first to finalize the flowers, then off to the rental
place to sign the contract and leave a deposit for all
the chairs and table rentals.
LAURA.
I spoke to them yesterday so that won’t take long. What
about the caterer?
KATHY.
They will be after the rental place... and then off to
try on the dress after the alterations... and pack it
up to bring back with us.

Enter Steve followed by Richard who is wearing a

Beekeepers suit with the netted head wear,
carrying a bee smoker.
STEVE.
Dad is moving the bees to a new apiary.
BILLY.
What is a apiary?
RICHARD.
It is where bees are kept Billy. Some call it a bee
yard.
KATHY.
Did you move them where I told you, over by the garage?

Richard smoker is filling the kitchen slowly

RICHARD.
Yes, I did dear.

KATHY.
And they won’t be a problem for all the people who will
be in the backyard tomorrow?(Waving to smoke out of her
face.)
RICHARD.
No! They are very docile, just pollen carrying honey
bees.
KATHY.
Richard, I need you to go to the tent company to sign
the contract and leave a deposit. Plus, make sure you
let them know that they need to have the tent up by
 14.

KATHY.
10:00am because the rental company will be delivering
and setting up the tables and chairs at 10:30am.

RICHARD.
I would be happy to do all of that for you.
Everyone is now effected by Richard’s smoker.
Waving and coughing throughout the room.

KATHY.
(Looking at Steve, Robert and Billy.)I need one of you
to go with him, and the other two will be doing a
alcohol and tux pickup.
STEVE.
Billy and I will do the booze and tuxes.
KATHY.
Great! Then Robert if you don’t mind could you go with
Dad to the tent company and make sure everything is
set-up right.
ROBERT.
(Coughs.)Sure! I will do that.
KATHY.
Thank you. Steve the booze has been ordered.(Crosses to
the fridge and takes a card hang on it and hands it to
Steve.)You can pick it up at this place. If you notice
that there is something missing please get what you
think we need to add.

STEVE.
(Coughs)OK.
KATHY.
Let’s synchronize our watches.(Chuckles from them
all.)It is 11:30am, I would like meet everyone back her
around 4:00pm to prepare for the cookout so we can be
done by 6:00pm Then the boys will leave to go to the
hotel and have their bachelor party. Us girls will have
our wild and crazy night, hahaha...Any questions? OK,
lets go!

There is a mad dash to the door by everyone who

are coughing and gagging except Richard. Richard
is left standing alone in the kitchen facing the
audience. He puts the smoker down on the table and
reaches up to pull off his bee suit head wear.

Blackout
 15.

ACT I
Scene II
Later in the day about 3:30pm The men arriving
back at the house. Enter Richard wearing a Boston
Red Sox baseball cap and big dark sunglasses
carrying tuxedos in front of his face. Opens the
closet door.
RICHARD.
(Yelling out to the other guys out in the yard.)I will
hang these in here, make sure we don’t forget
them.(Closes the closet door with his back to audience
and exits out the door.)
Enter Steve followed by Robert carrying boxes full
of booze.
STEVE.
These boxes are heavy! (Crosses behind the couch and
goes to the bar.) One of these boxes are leaking.

ROBERT.
Ohhh, come on these boxes aren’t heavy are they Billy.
They cross to the bar and stack the boxes on the
floor next to the bar.

Enter Billy carrying four boxes of booze stacked

in his arms.
BILLY.
Please! these are nothing.

ROBERT.
(To Steve.)See, I told you, its all in how you frame
the question.
Billy drops the boxes on top of the bar.

Steve and Robert sit on the couch, and Billy

crosses to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator.
BILLY.
I could use a cold beer.

STEVE.
That sounds great.
ROBERT.
Yeah, bring me one too.
 16.

Enter Richard carrying grocery bags covering his

face, crosses to the kitchen table with his back
to audience and puts groceries on the table.
RICHARD.
Who is going to help me put these groceries away.
BILLY.
(Rises from the couch.)I will!
RICHARD.
(Crosses to the refrigerator, opens the door and gets
down on one knee looking in the fridge.)Please pass me
all the produce.
BILLY.
You mean the fruits and veggies?

RICHARD.
Yes, Billy.
BILLY.
(Pulls the fruits, veggies and other items the need to
be in the fridge one at a time and slowly announces
what they are, and begins to pass them to
Richard.)lettuce, cucumber, tomato, radishes, carrots,
celery and onions.
RICHARD.
(Annoyed)Billy I don’t need to be introduced to the
vegetables. Let’s pick it up.
BILLY.
OK, Mr. Engle, apples, oranges, bananas and
strawberries.
STEVE.
Dad, is there a Sox game on tonight.
Steve picks up the television remote and aims it
at the invisible television (DS)
RICHARD.
No, it was an afternoon game. It is probably still on.
Billy hand me all the other stuff that goes in the
fridge.

BILLY.
(Grab a box of oatmeal from the bag and passes it to
Richard.) Alright.
 17.

RICHARD.
(Holds up the box.)Billy this is a box of oatmeal! You
don’t put this in the fridge.

ROBERT.
There it is, the Sox are ahead seven to five against
the Yankees in the bottom of the seventh in New York
and anything can happen in Yankee Stadium.

BILLY.
Really?(Begins to cross to living room holding a jar of
spaghetti sauce in one hand and feminine napkins in the
other.)
Front door opens, Enter Kathy carrying two large
handled bags, followed by Patty, Laura carrying a
very large rectangle box, followed by Sally.
Patty and Sally both stand watching the game on
the television.

KATHY.
(Crossing to kitchen.)Laura, why don’t you put the
dress up on our bed?
LAURA.
I will.(Exits up the stairs.)

KATHY.
Richard make sure you leave me some room for the
corsages and boutonnieres.

RICHARD.
(Stands up with back to audience looking at Kathy.)I
hope you don’t have a lot it is very crowded in there.
KATHY.
Let me in there I will find the room. What is all this
liquid on the floor.? (Richard continues to put
groceries in the cabinets.)
STEVE.
One of the boxes of booze had a leak.

KATHY.
(Irritated)Did you do something about it?
STEVE.
(Totally into the game.)No, it wasn’t that bad.

KATHY.
(Hands Richard a roll of paper towels from under the
sink.)Richard, please wipe up the floor and unpack and
organize the bar.
 18.

Kathy begins to unload her bags on the table, and

notices what Billy is holding and reaches over and
pulls the feminine napkins from his hand, and he
also hands her the spaghetti sauce.

Richard gets down on the floor and begin wiping

the floor crossing behind Billy, Patty, Sally,
couch and the recliner and then rises behind the
stack of boxes on the bar.
Robert suddenly reaches in his pocket and pulls
out his cellphone.
Enter Laura down the stairs and crosses behind
Robert.
ROBERT.
(Reading a texted on his phone.)Dammit!
LAURA.
(Reacting)What’s wrong Robert?
ROBERT.
(Upset)My brother’s leave was cancelled because of some
kind of action in Afghanistan and won’t be here for the
wedding tomorrow.
PATTY.
Wasn’t he your best man?

ROBERT.
Yes!
LAURA.
(Concerned)Honey, what are we going to do?
ROBERT.
I don’t know?
KATHY.
I am sure one of these guys would be happy to stand in
for you Robert.
STEVE.
I would volunteer, but since I am gay Robert wouldn’t
want me too.

LAURA.
(Shocked)That’s not true! Is it Robert?
Robert doesn’t answer right away.
 19.

STEVE.
See, I told you.
LAURA.
Robert?

SALLY.
(Interested)Robert, do you have a problem with Steve
because he is gay?
STEVE.
Of course he does. I understand. Its not like this the
first time this has happened.
SALLY.
Robert, I understand how you feel, it is OK, just be
honest about it.

BILLY.
Steve, I understand too.
ROBERT.
(Thinking about his words.)Look, I don’t have a problem
with Steve, in fact I am glad he is going to be my
brother-in-law, but my mother and sister will be at the
wedding and I am just concerned about....
PATTY.
Robert, that is a cop out excuse.

STEVE.
I don’t want this to be a big deal.(To Robert.)I love
you bro no matter what, so don’t worry about it, and I
am glad you are going to be my brother-in-law. I
recommend Billy since no one knows him.

RICHARD.
(From behind the boxes he is unpacking.)Good idea son.
You are the best. I am so proud of you.

LAURA.
Robert?
PATTY.
That really is a good idea.

SALLY.
Just think how handsome you would look standing next to
Billy...(Laughs)
STEVE.
She is right buddy!
 20.

LAURA.
Baby, you would be handsome standing all by yourself.
ROBERT.
I can just see it forty years from now when our grand
kids are looking at our wedding pictures and asking,
"Who is the guy from the Arien race?(Leans back and
begins to laugh.)
BILLY.
Or they will ask: Who is the stud standing next to you
Gramps?(Laughs back at him.)
KATHY.
Good, that is solved. Are you really OK, with that
Robert?

ROBERT.
Yes, I am fine with that.
STEVE.
While you where going through you homophobic moment the
Yankee took the lead.

PATTY.
No way!
STEVE.
Yep!

SALLY.
I hate it since "Big Papi" retired. It’s just not the
same.
RICHARD.
I have to agree Sally he was a awesome asset for the
Red Sox for such a long time.(Picks up the stack of
empty boxes covering his face and crosses to the patio
doors.)

KATHY.
Richard you should heat up the grill. I am preparing
the burgers and dogs.
RICHARD.
I would be very happy to, darlin!

BILLY.
Let me get the door for you Mr. Engle.(Exit Richard and
Billy.)
 21.

PATTY.
(Crosses and sits in recliner.)Top of the ninth and
down by one run to the Yankees, doesn’t get any better
then this.

STEVE.
You got that right sis!
KATHY.
Patty take these meats out to your father along with
this bag of corn and shuck them outside.

PATTY.
(Rises and crosses to the kitchen and picks up the
plate of meats and the bag of corn.)OK, mom.(Exit to
the patio).

LAURA.
(Crosses to the kitchen.)Mom is they anything I can do?
KATHY.
You sit with me and help cut some tomatoes, onions and
lettuce.

LAURA.
Sure.(Sits in SR chair.)
STEVE.
(Rises)Yankees just hit a grand slam in the bottom of
the ninth, game over!
ROBERT.
You were right. Anything could happen in New York.
STEVE.
Robert let’s get some cold ones and go outside.(Crosses
to the fridge.)
ROBERT.
(Crosses to the patio door.)You should grab one for
Billy and your Dad.
STEVE.
Call out to Patty and see if she wants one.
ROBERT.
(Opens the patio door and calls out.)Patty do want a
cold beer.) Yes, Steve.
SALLY.
Grab one for me Steve I will join you.(Crosses and
exits out the door, followed by Steve carrying a cold
six pack of beer, followed by Robert closing the door.)
 22.

Kathy and Laura are cutting vegetable at the

table.
KATHY.
Laura, are you alright?

LAURA.
Of course I am mom. Why do you ask?
KATHY.
You just don’t seem as happy as you should be.

LAURA.
Well, to be honest spending the day with you, Patty and
Sally complaining about you current and past
relationships just started me thinking.

KATHY.
Thinking what Laura?
LAURA.
Well, do I really want to get tied down so soon? Robert
wants children right away and I would like to travel,
go back to school and finish my Masters, but I don’t
see any of that happening hearing Patty complain about
the fact that she has no time for herself with the kids
and Ralph, and you talking about how boring your life
has become because you and Daddy don’t do anything
together anymore. I just don’t know.

KATHY.
You are just having wedding jitters. You and Robert
will make a great life together, and you can do all
that you want, just fight for it. Don’t give in. I
still love your father and he is a good man who can be
a handful sometimes.
The patio doors burst open and Richard burst in
screaming in pain with his hands over his face
running to the kitchen sink and splashes water on
his face with his back to the audience, followed
by Steve.
KATHY.
(Jumps up from her chair.)What happened?(Rushing to
Richard.)

STEVE.
A charcoal popped in the grill and throw hot coals into
his face.
 23.

KATHY.
Steve go watch the food on the grill and I will help
your father. Richard sit down here.(Moves to the chair
with his hands over his face and sits at SR chair and
Kathy puts a cold wet cloth on his face. She stands in
front of Richard with her back to the audience.)
Steve exits and closes the patio doors.
LAURA.
Are you OK Daddy?

RICHARD.
(Obviously in pain and speaking through his hands.)It’s
OK baby, Daddy is fine.
KATHY.
Richard drop your hands so I can see how bad it
is.(Richard drops hands.)Yes, you have a couple of
burns on your cheeks and forehead.
Patio doors burst open and Billy is carrying
Robert over his shoulder and the smell of skunk
rapidly fills the rooms, followed by Steve
carrying a large spatula and Patty who has a joint
in her mouth and Sally laughing. Billy crosses and
drops Robert on the couch and he is bleeding on
his face. Everyone is covering their nose and
mouth from the smell.

LAURA.
Robert are you alright?(Rushing to Robert covering her
nose and mouth but as she gets closer to him she has to
back off and runs out the front door.)

BILLY.
I have to get out of here.(Billy and Steve run out the
patio doors.)
PATTY.
(Takes a hit and passes it to Sally.)You should have
seen that, it was so funny.
SALLY.
(Blows out the smoke and coughs.)Yeah, the boys were
passing the football and Robert went for a long diving
pass and landed on a skunk hiding in the fence post.
LAURA.
(Yelling in the front door with her hand on her nose
and mouth.)Robert, please tell me you are OK!
 24.

ROBERT.
(Yelling back.)OK? I got a cut on my face and was
sprayed in the face by a skunk...do I sound OK?
KATHY.
(Her nose and mouth covered.)Richard come upstairs and
I will clean up your face.(Runs up the stairs followed
by Richard with his hands covering his face.)
LAURA.
(Yelling into the house.)Robert can you please come
outside so I can see how bad your face is?
ROBERT.
(Rises and crosses to the front door.)I can’t believe
this.

Patty sit at the table and continues to chop

vegetables and smoke.
PATTY.
Never a dull moment here at the Engle house.

SALLY.
That is for sure, I can’t wait to see what happens
tomorrow.
PATTY.
I am hungry?
SALLY.
Me too!
Enter Steve from patio.

STEVE.
Burgers, dogs and corn are ready, bring the buns and
veggies.(Exit to patio and leaves door open.)
Patty rises and hands the veggie platter to Sally,
she picks the bags of buns with one hands, opens
the fridge and grabs two cold beers with the
other.
PATTY.
(Yelling!)Dinners ready!(To Sally)It is so great to be
back home!(Crosses patio doors.)
SALLY.
Yes it is, Yes it is!

Exit Sally and Patty

Blackout
 25.

ACT II
Scene I
It’s the 9:00 o’clock on the morning of the
wedding. All the doors and windows in the house
are open and Kathy is lighting candles and
spraying air freshener in the air and on the
couch. Richard is siting at the kitchen table
drinking his coffee in his robe and slippers
reading the newspaper that covers is face.

KATHY.
(Spraying)Well, that is not the way I wanted to spend
the night before my daughters wedding.
RICHARD.
Me either honey.
KATHY.
Rushing you and Robert to the emergency room really
made the night very stressful. You with second degree
burns all over your face and Robert with a twelve
stitch gash on his forehead and smelling like skunk!
RICHARD.
(Uncharacteristically negative.)OK, Kathy! Please let
it go. (Lowers the newspaper and his face is wrapped in
bandages.)I was there. Do think I enjoyed having hot
coals explode on my face. I told the boys to be careful
about throwing the football in the yard, but they
didn’t listen. So, this is going to be a great day
despite all of this!
KATHY.
(Noticing Richards change of demeanor.)I am sorry,
(Panicking) The wedding is a two Richard and the tent
people will be here soon. Would you please get dressed
and take care of that so, I care focus on Laura? Steve
and Billy are the only ones not here. They stayed at
the hotel last night.
RICHARD.
I bet they enjoyed that!
KATHY.
Richard! The port-o-potty people will be here in a few
minutes too.
RICHARD.
I still think that port-o-potties is wrong at a
wedding.
 26.

KATHY.
(The whole time spraying the room and furniture.) These
are nice high end port-o-potties designed for weddings.
They are going along the back fence. Put the women’s on
the right and men’s on the left. The women’s is a
handicapped for Aunt Myrtle. Then florist will be here
11:30 so the tent, table and chairs have to be done by
then, and at noon the caterer, bartender and the DJ
will be here to set-up. People will start arriving at
12:30 and they will all be entering through the side
yard. Make sure that Steve, Patty, Sally and Billy are
there to greet and seat them. Father Barney will be
here at 1:00. Everyone needs to be dressed and ready by
noon. You are scheduled to walk Laura down the isle at
1:30pm. I need you to be on your best behavior and
focused on the task at hand...please?
RICHARD.
(Crossing to Kathy and hugs her.)Don’t worry baby I got
this I know how important this is to Laura.

KATHY.
And Robert!
RICHARD.
Yes, and Robert. I am going to get dressed.(Exits up
the stairs.)

The sound of a truck pulling up in front of the

house.
KATHY.
(Yelling up the stairs.)Richard the port-o-potty
company is here.
Enter Patty coming down the stairs in a flannel
night gown.

RICHARD.
(Yelling from downstairs.)I will be down in a minute.
Doorbell rings
Kathy opens the door and reveals Port-O-Potty man.

KATHY.
Yes, my husband will be right out.(Leaves the door
open.)
PORT-O-POTTY MAN.
(The Port-O Potty Man is a heavy man with a full shabby
beard and long nappy hear, wearing a blue jumpsuit with
a patch with name "Pete" when the door opens he is
sniffing)Is there a skunk in there?(Exits)
 27.

PATTY.
(Crosses to kitchen.)Wow this is a busy place already.
Wow you can still smell the skunk pretty strong.

Enter Richard rushing down the stairs and exits

out the front door.
Enter Sally from upstairs dressed in shorts and a
tank top.

SALLY.
Good morning. Whoa that smell is strong.
PATTY.
What is so good about it. I didn’t sleep a wink
sleeping on the sleeping bag on the floor because
Robert got to stay here because of his injuries.
KATHY.
Patty you stop right now and change your attitude. It
is Laura’s wedding day.

PATTY.
(Realizing)OK mom, is there coffee?
KATHY.
Yes!

SALLY.
Great!
Enter Laura and Robert down the stairs. Laura is
wearing a a jogging suit and Robert with a
sweatpants and a grey t-shirt that has Harvard on
the front. He has a large bandages on his forehead
and cheek.
LAURA.
(Crosses to couch and starts to sit and realizes that
it smells and sits on recliner.)Good morning everyone.
KATHY.
Robert how are you feeling this morning?

ROBERT.
(Sarcastic)Well let me see? Today is my wedding day and
my brother who was supposed to be my best man won’t be
here...and I have to have a blonde Arien hunky gay guy
take his place. Plus, I got sprayed in the face by a
skunk, cut my forehead and cheek and had to be rushed
to the emergency room for twelve stitches and a tomato
juice bath that made me smell like a skunk salad. Other
then that I feel pretty good.(Crosses to couch and
sits.)
 28.

KATHY.
(Crosses over to the couch area and starts to spray
into the air and says very strongly.)Now I want all of
you to listen to me. This is going to be a beautiful
day, and I want everyone of you to put everything aside
and put on your smiles on right now! Got it!
PATTY.
Yes, Mom
LAURA.
You are right mom.
SALLY.
OK, Mrs. Engle.
KATHY.
Robert?
ROBERT.
That’s true...today is my wedding day. I am marrying my
best friend.

SALLY.
Ahh...
KATHY.
Very nice.

Enter Billy through open front door wearing very

tight short tennis shorts that accentuates his
ample manhood and tight tank top that does the
same for his muscular upper body, calf high socks
with two stripes on top with white sneakers
carrying boxes of donuts, followed by Steve
wearing white pressed shorts and a polo shirt...no
socks with boat shoes.
BILLY.
What a beautiful day for a wedding. I brought some
donuts.(Drops them on the kitchen table.)
PATTY.
(Noticing Billy’s attire, to Sally,)Wow, look at that
body.

SALLY.
I am, believe be I am.
STEVE.
(To Laura.)How is the bride to be today? Laura?
 29.

LAURA.
(Gazing at Billy in a trance..Snaps out of
it.)Oh...I’m...fine!
KATHY.
Steve you and Billy go out and check in with your
father. I filled him in on what was going to happen and
when, please help him so us girls can focus on Laura
and getting her ready for her wedding day.
STEVE.
Absolutely, mom! Come on Billy lets go help my
dad.(Steve and Billy exit out patio doors.)
ROBERT.
(Rises from the couch and crosses to patio doors.)I
will go keep an eye on Steve and Billy keeping an eye
on Richard.
KATHY.
Thank you Robert.
ROBERT.
(To Laura.)I understand how important this day is to
you baby.(Exits)
SALLY.
That’s a great guy you are getting there.

LAURA.
I know...
PATTY.
Not to change the subject, but is it me or do any of
you think that it is a shame that Billy is gay.
SALLY.
I hear you...what a waste!
KATHY.
(Spraying again the couch and opens the patio
doors.)Now girls lets not judge Billy.
PATTY.
Oh come on mom, don’t tell me you didn’t notice.

KATHY.
He is a handsome young man for sure but it doesn’t
matter he is gay.
Sally crosses to Patty and whispers. In her ear
and Patty reacts with a silent OMG.
 30.

LAURA.
(Reacting)What? What did you whisper to Patty, Sally?

SALLY.
Oh, wouldn’t you want to know, plus it doesn’t matter
since you are going to be a married woman.
KATHY.
What?

Patty rises and crosses to Kathy and whispers in

her ear what Sally had whispered to her. Kathy
responds by bursting out in shock and covering her
mouth laughing.

LAURA.
What? I want to know!
All the girls start to laugh. Enter Billy from
patio door into the kitchen.

Patty, Sally and Kathy huddle together whispering

with Laura watching on.
BILLY.
We have a problem with the tent.

KATHY.
What kind of problem?
BILLY.
It is to big.

Patty and Sally’s eyes light up and their laughter

is noticeable.
Kathy catches on to why they are laughing, based
on the bulge in Billy’s pants.

KATHY.
(Not realizing what she is saying.)It’s to big? You
can’t make it fit?
Sally and Patty react and Laura finally catches
on.
BILLY.
(Oblivious of what is happening, grabs a donut and
takes a big bite.)I am sure we can make it fit.

KATHY.
(Looking at all the girls with a devious look and
smile.) Really Billy, how can you make it fit?
 31.

BILLY.
Well, I am no expert, but it could be shoved deeper in
the back.
All the girls eyes explode with delight and shock
that leads to explosive laughter.
BILLY.
(Thinking he is being funny, but doesn’t know why.)I
think they are going to slip it in from around the
edges.

KATHY.
I have to see this.(Crosses to the patio door and opens
it.)Wow that it is big!
Billy moves in behind Kathy and looks out the door
at the tent.
Laura, Sally and Patty are breaking into laughter
listening to there conversation.
BILLY.
Do you think it is too big?
KATHY.
It was not the size I wanted, but we can make it work.
BILLY.
Richard really got a big one.
KATHY.
It is bigger then usual, but we can open things up.
LAURA.
Stop! I can’t take any more.
PATTY.
Me either!

SALLY.
Please, Stop!
Doorbell rings
Kathy crosses to the door and opens to reveal the
caterer.
KATHY.
Hello Serge.
 32.

Enter Serge wearing a black long sleeve button

down shirt and pants. He is obviously gay with a
stereotypical gay slur top with a Slovak accent,
but is secretly from Detroit.
Serge.
Hello Mrs. Engle, where would like us to back the truck
up to to start to set-up.

KATHY.
Serge, you can back up to the fence gate and unload
from there. My husband is the man with his face
bandaged...you can check in with him.
SERGE.
Thank you, Mrs Engle.(Exit)
Kathy closes front door and crosses back to
kitchen.
Sally takes a brownie mix from the cabinet along
with a bowl...puts on table...opens and dumps
contents into the bowl.
Doorbell rings
PATTY.
(To Sally) What are you doing?
Kathy crosses to the front door and opens
revealing The Bartender.

SALLY.
Making brownies.
LAURA.
I love brownies!

BILLY
So do I!
Enter Bartender. He is early forties greying hair
and beard...handsome older man in good shape
wearing white shirt, thin black tie and black
pants.
THE BARTENDER.
Hello Ma’am I am Kenneth your bartender.
KATHY.
(Frustrated and rushed.)Oh, Hello Ken(To Laura)I went
over all this with your father and told him I needed
him to take care of all this today.(To Billy)Billy will
you please take Ken here.
 33.

THE BARTENDER.
Kenneth!

KATHY.
OK, Kenneth, out back to the bar so he can start to get
set-up...and then ask Richard to come in and see me.
Also, please grab Steve and Robert and the three of you
can carry all the booze out to Kenneth.

BILLY.
Yes, Mrs. Engle(Billy and Kenneth cross to patio doors,
Billy opens and they both exit.)
PATTY.
Now that is a nice looking bartender.

SALLY.
(Mixing brownies.)Yes he is!
KATHY.
Laura, you go upstairs, take a shower and get cleaned
up. The hair stylist and nail person will be here in an
hour.
LAURA.
Sounds good Mom.(Exits up stairs.)

Enter Billy, Steve, Robert and Kenneth crossing to

the bar and picking up boxes of booze and crossing
back out the patio door.
KATHY.
Billy did you tell Richard to come see me.
BILLY.
Yes I did, he is helping Kenny with the bar.(Exits)
KATHY.
Oh forget it. I will just go out there.(Exits to
patio.)
PATTY.
Crazy place!

SALLY.
Nothing new(Still mixing)its has always been crazy at
the Engle’s(Crosses to the recliner and reaches in her
purse grabs a plastic bag and crosses back to table and
drops the rolled up baggie down that reveals to Patty a
full bag of pot. Patty reacts with surprise and then
Sally dumps the contents into the bowl and begins to
mix it into the brownies.)and today will be very
interesting.
 34.

PATTY.
(Laughing)This will be so much fun.
Enter Kathy.
KATHY.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that that man has a
PhD. I am going up stairs to help Laura.(Exits up the
stairs.)
PATTY.
OK, Mom.
Sally pulls out a brownies sheet and pours the
contents into the pan and spreads the mixture out.
SALLY.
(Putting the brownies in the oven.)These are just for
you and me, Patty.
Blackout
 35.

ACT II
Scene 2
The house is picked up and organized and it is one
hour from the wedding ceremony.

Enter The Bartender from the patio poking his head

inside.
THE BARTENDER.
Hello? Is anyone in here?
Crosses to the fridge and takes out a ice cold
beer, crosses over to the couch and picks up the
television remote and turns it on.

THE BARTENDER.
Oh, good the Sox are in New York.(Sits on couch and
smells the skunk, and then moves to the recliner.)
Enter Richard from upstairs with fresh bandages on
his face wearing big sunglasses. Notices Kenneth.)

RICHARD.
Who is winning?
THE BARTENDER.
I just turned it on.

RICHARD.
Everything set-up out there.
THE BARTENDER.
Looks that way. The DJ is setting up in the back
corner.
RICHARD.
(Crosses to patio doors and opens to check out the
backyard.)I would like us to win at least on of these
New York games.
THE BARTENDER.
The score is four to six, New York in the bottom of the
fourth inning.

RICHARD.
Figures...Could you please go out and make sure the DJ
is good and keep an eye on things for a moment.
THE BARTENDER.
(Picks up remote turns television off and crosses to
patio doors.) Sure.(Exits)
 36.

Enter Sally down the stairs dressed for the

wedding in white Maid of Honor dress, crosses to
the kitchen counter.
SALLY.
Good morning Mr. Engle. You are looking very handsome
this glorious morning.
RICHARD.
It is a glorious morning and I am looking forward to
it...for sure. I love the smell of brownies. It almost
covered the skunk smell.
SALLY.
Good, I think they are cooled down.(Crosses to counter
and begins to cut up the brownies into small squares
and stacks them on a plate.)

Kathy calling down the stairs to Richard.

KATHY.
Richard can you take all the flowers, corsages and
boutonnieres out of the fridge so they can warm up, and
then come up here and help me?
RICHARD.
Sure honey.(Richard takes all the flowers out of the
fridge and stacks them on the counter.)

Enter Patty down the stairs crossing paths with

Richard at the bottom of the steps.
RICHARD.
(Back to audience facing Patty.)"Shortcake" you look so
beautiful.(Hugs)

PATTY.
Thank you Daddy.(Crosses to Sally in the kitchen, sees
brownies.)Oh, those look good.

SALLY.
(Picks up a brownies and takes a bite.)Have one, it
will take the edge off.
PATTY.
(Picks up a brownie and takes a bite, and looks to see
if she can see the added substance.)Wow, these are
good.
SALLY.
These are for us, but don’t eat to many too soon...the
stuff I put in is very potent.
 37.

PATTY.
OK, just one more?
SALLY.
OK, one more(Picks up two and hands one to Patty. They
tap their brownies together.)Cheers. I am going to put
these up here in the cabinet. Wait till the reception
before you have another.(Puts in cabinet and closes the
door.)
Enter Kathy down the stairs looking ready for a
wedding.
KATHY.
(Calling up the stairs from the bottom.)Hurry up boys!
People will be arriving at any minute.(Crosses to
living room and picks up spray can and sprays one last
time...noticing Sally and Patty.)Patty and Sally you
are both so beautiful.
PATTY.
Mom, you look great as well.(Crosses to her and gives
her a hug.)

SALLY.
Thank you, Mrs E.(Beginning to feel the effects of the
brownies.)
Enter Robert, Steve and Billy sounding like a herd
of wild horses coming down the stairs and crossing
to the living room and kitchen.
KATHY.
Look at these handsome boys.

STEVE.
(Taking cellphone from pocket.)Can someone take a
picture of us.(Handing his phone to Sally.)
SALLY.
(Surprised)Oh, OK!(Fumbles with the phones but manages
to get a picture of the three of them.
STEVE.
Are you alright Sally?

SALLY.
Yes, just a bit excited I guess.
PATTY.
(Chuckles and is beginning to feel the effects of the
brownies.)Yeah, me too!
 38.

KATHY.
(Calling upstairs.)Richard get down here so you can get
out in the yard to start receiving the guest.
Doorbell rings

Kathy crosses to get the door just as Richard is

coming down the stairs and they meet at the bottom
with his back to audience. Kathy opens the door
revealing a very large flower arrangement being
held by a delivery guy.

DELIVERY GUY.
(From behind the flowers.)My boss told me to drop this
off for the main table as a gift.
KATHY.
Richard take that and put it on the main table.
Richard grabs the arrangement and turns with it
covering his face and crosses to the patio door.
RICHARD.
Son can you get the door for me?
STEVE.
Sure Dad.(Crosses and opens the door for Richard.)
Exit Richard.

KATHY.
OK boys, get out there and start welcoming your guest.
Steve, Billy and Robert exit out patio doors.

PATTY.
(Trying to keep a serious face.)Dad looks like a clown
with all those bandages.
KATHY.
Patty! Those are some serious burns on his face. I want
you two to go out and help with greeting till I call
you to help me with Laura.
Patty and Sally exit acting like a couple of
school girls who have a secret.

Kathy exits up the stairs and Richard and Robert

enter from patio.
RICHARD.
What did the bartender say he needed?
 39.

ROBERT.
A couple of small glasses for olives and cherries.
RICHARD.
We should have them in this cabinet.(He opens cabinet
and finds the plate of brownies and takes it out.)That
is a strange place for these.(Takes one and puts the
whole thing in his mouth.)Wow, these are good. You want
one Robert?
ROBERT.
Sure.(Take a brownies and eats it in one bite.)
RICHARD.
I am having one more.(Puts the plate down in the center
of the kitchen table.)Here are the glasses.(Hands them
to Robert.)

ROBERT.
Thanks, I will give these to Ken, but one more brownie
first.
Robert and Richard exit

Enter Kathy down the stairs.

KATHY.
My scissors are down here.(Notices the brownies on the
table.)Sally is so sweet.(Takes a brownie and eats it
in two small bites and takes scissors out of drawer.)
Doorbell rings
Kathy crosses to door and opens to reveal Father
Barney.

KATHY.
(Surprised)Hello Father Barney!
FATHER BARNEY.
Am I early? I thought you said one o:clock.

KATHY.
No...yes..(Gets giddy)Please come in Father.
Enter Father Barney dressed like a Catholic Priest
with his collar and a small bag.
FATHER BARNEY.
We have to go over a few things and sign some papers
and the license.
 40.

KATHY.
Please Father have a seat at the table. Can I get you
some iced tea and(Noticing the brownies)some
brownies.(Hands him the plate.)

FATHER BARNEY.
I don’t mind if I do.(Eats a brownie in one bite.)..Mmm
these are good.
KATHY.
Have another, Please!

FATHER BARNEY.
OK, I think I will.(Eats another brownie and hands it
back to Kathy.)
KATHY.
(Takes the plate and eats another brownie and puts the
plate back on the table.)Do you need to have Robert and
Laura?
FATHER BARNEY.
Yes, Please.

KATHY.
(Crosses to the patio doors opens and sees Richard and
Robert spinning plates in the back yard as the guest
are watching. Kathy yells out trying to be
angry.)Robert could you please come up here.(Leaves
door open and crosses to the table.)
Enter Robert.
ROBERT.
(Very happy and feeling the effects of the
brownies.)That was fun!
KATHY.
Robert you remember Father Barney?

ROBERT.
Yes...good afternoon Father Barney.
KATHY.
(Yelling up the stairs.)Laura are you ready?

LAURA.
(From Upstairs.)Yes...I am coming down.
Enter Laura from upstairs. She is wearing a long
sleek white simple but beautiful wedding dress.
 41.

KATHY.
Honey you look so beautiful!(Crosses to Laura and hugs
here.)

FATHER BARNEY.
(Beginning to feel the effects of brownies.)Yeah, Laura
you look quite beautiful. I have watched you develop
since you were a little girl...growing up to be a
stunning young woman and then into a ravishing lady.

LAURA.
(Surprised by the Father’s comment.)Well thank you
Father Barney...I think that is the most you have ever
said to me.

FATHER BARNEY.
(Jumping in.)I got more if you want?
ROBERT.
(Jumps in.)Father Barney please you are making Laura
feel embarrassed by her beauty.

LAURA.
(Trying to change the subject.)Brownies? I bet Sally
made these.(Reaches over and takes two and eats them
both in one bite.)

ROBERT.
(Crosses to Laura.)You look awesome in that dress.(Give
her a very deep kiss, Laura is still trying to finish
her brownies.)

LAURA.
(Reaches over and picks up another brownies and puts
one in Robert’s mouth.)Have a brownie baby.
KATHY.
So, Father Barney let’s get all the papers signed.

FATHER BARNEY.
Oh...good thinking Kathrine. That’s funny...I called
you Kathrine.
KATHY.
Why is that funny Father?
FATHER BARNEY.
That was name of my only love.(Starts to reminisce.)She
was a nun.

KATHY.
(Looking at Laura and Robert and holding back
laughter.)Oh...That’s nice Father Barney.
 42.

FATHER BARNEY.
A forbidden love. She was so beautiful in her habit. We
used to sneak out behind St. Joe’s and share a milk
shake...Great times.

Kathy is holding back laughing

LAURA.
(Stern)Hey...Father Barney snap out of it!
ROBERT.
Father Barney? Is there Father Fred?
Father Barney snaps out of it.
KATHY.
Robert..stop it! Don’t go there.(Hands over her mouth.)

FATHER BARNEY.
What is so funny?
ROBERT.
Well is there a Father Fred? If there was...then that
would mean there would be a Father Barney and
Fred!(Laughing)
LAURA.
Robert would you stop, please?(Starting to laugh)

FATHER BARNEY.
(Getting the joke.)Yes and they would be the priests at
ST. Bedrocks on Slade Street.
This stops everyone from laughing and looking at
each other very surprised...then everyone in the
room burst into gut busting laughter.
Father Barney takes envelope from pocket and lays
out the papers and a pen on the table.

FATHER BARNEY.
Please sign on all the highlighted areas.(Starting to
control his laughter.)
ROBERT.
OK, Father.(Leans down and signs the two pages and
hands the pen to Laura.)You turn baby!
Kathy is starting to get control of herself.
LAURA.
(Still giggling.)Yes, dear.
 43.

Father Barney looks at the papers.

FATHER BARNEY.
What does the "D" in your middle name stand for Robert?
ROBERT.
(His eyes light up.)Dino!
There is pause and then uncontrollable laughter by
everyone.

Enter Patty and Sally who are surprised to see the

scene before them, as well as the plate of
brownies on the table with only one brownie left.
SALLY.
(To Patty and laughing.)Oh my...look what is happening
here.
LAURA.
(Rushing to Sally.)Thank you for making me brownies,
Sally. You are the best friend.

PATTY.
(Curious)How many did you eat Laura? That was an full
plate.
LAURA.
(Under the full effects.)Oh, I did not eat them
all...Robert, Father Fred...I mean Father Rubble...I
mean Father Barney had a few, and mom had a few.
FATHER BARNEY.
(Feeling really good.)Guilty as charged!!

KATHY.
They were very good Sally!
SALLY.
(Almost losing control.)Oh my!

PATTY.
Never a dull moment.
Enter Steve and Billy rushing in from patio. Billy
remains at the door looking out into the yard

STEVE.
We have a problem!
KATHY.
(Calmly)What is the problem Steven?
 44.

BILLY.
(Looking outside.)The corner post of the tent has
fallen down.
KATHY.
Well get out there and fix it right now. We are coming
out is a few minutes to start the ceremony.
STEVE.
But...Mom..

KATHY.
I said get out there. Father Barney you can go out and
get into place too.
FATHER BARNEY.
Good idea!(Rises and takes the last brownie whistling
Andy Griffith theme song, exits.)
KATHY.
Robert, Sally and Patty go out get into place. Patty
please send in your father in so we can get started.

PATTY.
OK, Mom...
Robert kisses Laura, exit Robert, Sally and Patty.
KATHY.
(Reaching in her pocket and pulls out two brownies and
sits at table.) Look what I saved for you.
LAURA.
(Sits and takes a brownie from Kathy.)This is great
mom. You were right. The jitters are gone. I feel
really good about marrying Robert.
KATHY.
I feel really good too! Really Good!

LAURA.
(Rises)I have to admit I am surprised that we pulled
this off.
KATHY.
Why? Honey...

LAURA.
It seems to be very crazy around here when we all get
together. Things always go horribly wrong.
 45.

KATHY.
I know. We got though the worst of it yesterday with
the exploding charcoal in your fathers face, the skunk
ordeal with Robert, and the trip to the emergency room.
We are free and clear. The backyard has over one
hundred family and friends out there ready to watch you
and Robert say your vows, break some bread, share some
drinks and dance. There is nothing to stop us at this
point.
Both patio doors burst open and Patty and Steve
run in swatting at something around their heads.
KATHY.
(Jumps up.)What is wrong!!!!
STEVE.
(Swatting)The pole that fell hit the beehives and they
are swarming in the back yard.
Enter Sally and Billy swatting.
BILLY.
We have a big problem out there!
Enter Robert and Father Barney swatting.
ROBERT.
The bees are stinging everyone.

Everyone is running around the stage swatting and

smacking down the bees on themselves and each
other.

Enter Richard wearing his Bee hood and carrying

his smoker, blowing smoke around the room and on
everyone.
Enter The Bartender running and swatting.

THE BARTENDER.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
Exits out the front door followed by everyone
except Richard who is standing (C) with smoke
rising around him.

Blackout
 46.

ACT II
Scene 3
It is the morning after Laura’s disastrous wedding
and reception that turned into a wild evening.
Billy is on the couch sleeping "Naked". His
private area is covered by the nut bowl on the
coffee table. Sitting in the recliner is Richard
with his Bee hood on and in his tux passed out
holding an empty bottle of Scotch, and snoring.

SALLY enters coming down the steps wearing a bath

robe. She is obviously flirting with a hang over
and has white spots of antiseptic on her face
where she was stunk by bees the day before. She
crosses to the kitchen to make some much needed
coffee and unaware of Billy on the couch that she
can see from the kitchen. She is opening cabinets
to find coffee.
SALLY.
Ohhh! I need some coffee. Where do they keep the
coffee. (She finds coffee in cabinet with her back to
the living room.)This is great!(She begins to make
coffee, and when finished she crosses to the front door
passing the couch without noticing Billy, opens it and
picks up the newspaper. Closes door and is reading the
front page as she moves pass Billy, and he make a
groan. She glances over very casually and continues
moving for half a second and stops completely in her
steps. She slowing moves her head around to look again
and her eyes almost explodes, she covers her mouth to
stop from making a sound. Slowly backs up into the
kitchen with out taking her eyes off what she is
seeing, puts the paper on the table and sits in shock.
There is a sound that someone is coming down the
stairs. Not wanting to to have someone wake Billy she
rushes to the bottom of the stairs.

Enter Patty wearing a long night gown and has bright

red blotches showing bee stinks from prior day. She
sees Sally at the bottom of the stair motioning her to
be silent. Sally slowly moves Patty to the kitchen, and
they are both standing there looking at the coffee
pot.)

PATTY.
Oh, good you made coffee.
Sally covers Patty’s mouth, and then puts her
finger over her lips to ask for silence and slowly
turns her toward Billy on the couch. When Patty
 47.

puts her eyes on the scene on the couch she makes

a loud gasp for air, with Sally covering her
mouth. There is a sound of a foot hitting the top
stair and starting to descend. Sally rushes over
to slow this person down.

Enter Kathy, she is wearing a slinky negligee and

has white spots of antiseptic on her face where
she was stunk by bees. Sally motions her to be
quiet and Sally guides her to the kitchen where
Patty is staring at the coffee pot.

KATHY.
Oh, good you made coffee. (Both Sally and Patty cover
her mouth and slowly turned her toward the couch, and
she sees Billy and her eyes nearly pop out of her head.
The girls take their hands off her mouth.)

PATTY.
(Whispering)We have to be quiet so we don’t wake him
up.
KATHY.
(Whispering)We have to wake him up!
SALLY.
(Who is staring at the scene.) Why? I don’t want to
wake him up.(To Patty.)Do You want to wake him up?

PATTY.
No! I don’t want to wake him up!
SALLY.
I want to get a closer look. I am going to get a closer
look. (Gets down on her hands and knees and begins to
crawl toward the couch.)
KATHY.
(Whispering sternly)Sally, come back her...you are
being ridiculous.

Patty drops down on her hands and knees and begins

to follow Sally to the couch.
Patty, not you too! Get back here or I am going to wake
Billy up. dammit!

Kathy drops to her knees and goes after the two

girls, motioning for them to stop. We see Sally
disappear behind the couch followed by Patty and
not far behind is Kathy. There is a pause and we
see Sally’s head slowly rise from behind the couch
and stops at the bottom of her eyes looking
forward, and then down at Billy’s manhood, her
 48.

eyes light up and she disappears, then Patty rises

up and takes a long gaze, and in her eyes are
lust, then disappears, then Kathy rises up looking
forward and then looks down, disappears
immediately as she sees Billy and all his glory.
Then all three women rise together up to their
chins and all gander at Billy’s developed body and
endowment. Sally licks her lips, Patty’s mouth is
hanging open and Kathy’s lips mouth "Oh My God"!

Enter Laura the bride in a very short nighty and

has obvious bee stings on her arms and face...as
she is coming down the steps she sees the three
women on the floor, as she reaches the bottom she
is grabbed and disappears behind the couch. All
four women rise up to their chins with Laura
facing the other three woman with their finger
over their lips, and then turn their finger to
point at Billy. Laura turns her head.
LAURA.
Oh my god!(Kathy covers her mouth and drags her down
behind the couch. Her noise awakes Billy to shift his
body. He lifts one leg up on the back of the couch. All
four women slowly crawl back to the kitchen where they
now have an even better view. Rising up at the coffee
pot.) I can’t believe you guys are doing this. What is
Daddy doing?
PATTY.
(Rising up.)Do you see that? (Pointing her finger at
Billy.)Who cares what Daddy is doing.

LAURA.
Yes, (Looking at Billy.)but it is wrong.
SALLY.
(Rising up.)But its a good wrong.(To Patty.)Right?

KATHY.
(Rising up.)She is right,(Looking at Billy.)It is
wrong.(To Laura.)Your father drank himself into
oblivion right there in that spot last night because he
felt so bad about ruining your wedding.

Their is a sound of the toilet upstairs flushing.

All women stare at Billy as if it will be the last
glance they will get when they Steve making his
way down the stairs.

Enter Steve in a robe and slippers with multiple

bee stings on his face, crossing to the kitchen
without noticing Billy.
 49.

STEVE.
(Noticing that the women all staring at something in
the living room.) What’s up? Great you made coffee!
What are you guys...(Looks at Billy.) HELLO!!! (All
four women cover his mouth.)What is Dad doing?

PATTY.
(Whispering)Keep voice down you are ruining the view.
Dad is passed out from drinking a entire bottle of
Scotch.

STEVE.
The view is good, that is for sure.
SALLY.
Does any one have their phone with them?

STEVE.
I do.(Taking it out of his robe pocket.)Why?
SALLY.
I want a picture.

LAURA.
Oh. Sally that would be so wrong.
KATHY.
Yes, that would be so very wrong!

SALLY.
We don’t have to put his face in it.
KATHY.
That is true.

LAURA.
Mom!!
PATTY.
Good idea, Sally.

STEVE.
OK, I will just take a shot. (Lifting his phone and
Sally pulls his arm down.) What? I thought you wanted a
picture?

SALLY.
I do, but I want to be in the picture too.
PATTY.
(Begins to laugh and Sally covers her mouth.)This is
great, I want one too.
 50.

STEVE.
No way, this is my friend.
KATHY.
Yeah son, but you get to see him whenever you want.

STEVE.
What? What is that suppose to mean? Oh, you think he
is?
LAURA.
Gay?
STEVE.
For your information Billy is NOT gay, he is just a
friend. He likes women.

SALLY.
(Dumbfounded)Then I must to have a picture.
PATTY.
Me too!

KATHY.
Me too!(Everyone turns and looks at her.)Well maybe!
SALLY.
I am going to go over there and when I am in place take
the pictures when I cues you.

PATTY.
Pictures?
Sally falls down on her hands and knees and begins
to crawl to the couch and disappears behind it.
Steve is prepared to take a pictures.
KATHY.
What is she waiting for?

Sally appears at the (SR) side of the couch just

above Billy’s head. She rest her chin on her
crossed hands on the arm of the couch, and winks
to Billy as a sign to snap the shot. Billy holds
up his phone and takes the shot. Patty, Laura and
Kathy looking over his shoulder at the pictures
and Patty does a thumbs up to indicate to Sally it
is a good shot.
LAURA.
(Whispers and signals for Sally to come back.)Get back
over here.
 51.

Sally begins to rise above Billy’s head and stops

halfway and looks up at Steve.
PATTY.
What is she doing?

There is a hanging lamp jetting up from behind the

recliner with three round silver lights. Sally
unties her robe and shows some cleavage above
Billy’s face covered to the audience by the one
silver light. Everyone reacts with shock. Steve
holds up his phone and captures the picture. All
the girls check it out. Sally closes her robe and
crawls back to the kitchen.
LAURA.
Are you crazy? He could have woke up.

SALLY.
He is out. Considering how much he drank last night it
would take a atom bomb to wake him up. Let me see those
pictures. (Steve hands her the phone and she begins to
check them out.)

PATTY.
My turn!
LAURA.
Really? Patty this is stupid.

Patty drops and starts to crawl over to the couch

and disappears behind it. She reappears (SL) at
the bottom of the couch facing Billy and it looks
from a distance she is between his legs to Steve.
She turns her head to Steve and pulls up her robe
to reveal her sexy panties. Everyone response is
crazy with shock and silent laughter. Patty winks
and Steve took the picture.
KATHY.
(Whispering)Patty that is enough get over here right
now.
Patty drops her robe and walks back over to the
kitchen. She gets an "High Five" from Sally.

SALLY.
Who is next?
KATHY.
There is no next, we are done with this.
 52.

PATTY.
Oh Mom, come on this is fun. Why don’t you just get a
picture for yourself to masturbate too?
KATHY.
Patty, I don’t do that!
Everyone stops and looks at Kathy with that look
that she is lying.
PATTY.
Really? Then what is that vibrator doing under your
mattress.
KATHY.
What? How do you know that is there.

PATTY.
The other day you ask me to strip the bed for the
laundry it fell out on the floor. I though about using
it,(Kathy looking horrified.) but I didn’t. Now go over
there and get a picture of you with that stud just for
posterity.

Kathy looks at Laura and Steve who are routing her

on.
LAURA.
Go ahead Mom...Why not?

Kathy drops and crawls to the couch and goes to

the same spot Sally did and pokes her head up and
sees Steve, Laura, Patty and Sally laughing in
shock, smiles and winks. Steve takes the picture.
Everyone thought she was done, but she stood up
and opened her nightie. Steve in shock got the
picture, and everyone was laughing. She dropped
and crawled back to the kitchen.
KATHY.
(Rising)Now beat that!
STEVE.
I can beat that!
PATTY.
Really?
SALLY.
Give that phone. Go for it!
Steve drops and crawls to the couch and get to the
top of the couch just like Sally and Kathy did.
 53.

Steve stands and one of the silver lights hangs it

front of him at his mid section covering his
private area to the audience. He opens his robe
and he is nude. All of the women are in shock.
Laura and Patty cover their eyes. Sally watches
for her cue. Steve lifts up his (US) leg onto the
arm of the couch and winks his eye. Sally takes
the picture. Steve closes his robe and makes his
way back to the kitchen.
KATHY.
(Conceding)You win Steve.
Steve picks the phone up off the table and looks
at the pictures.
STEVE.
Nice!!! Well, everyone has done it, except you
Laura.(To Laura) Let’s go.
LAURA.
No way I just got married yesterday.

STEVE.
The way I see it is, if you don’t do it, you could tell
people about this. You have to do it so we are all
protected.
LAURA.
Who would I tell about THIS?
STEVE.
Robert!

KATHY.
(Thinking)He is right. You have to do it Laura.
LAURA.
If I do this...I am not going to show myself. It will
just a pick of me dressed.

SALLY.
OK.
PATTY.
That is fine with me.

KATHY.
Fine.
STEVE.
Chicken.
 54.

Laura drops to the ground and crawls behind the

couch. She rises at the top of the couch standing
with her arms crossed.

SALLY.
Drop your arms.
Laura can’t help but look at the sight before her
and she obviously was liking what she saw. She
relaxed a bit and put up her finger to tell Steve
to hold. She unbuttoned her top and showed some
cleavage, then winked. Steve disappointed snapped
the shot.
STEVE.
Lame!
Laura goes back to the kitchen. S
PATTY.
Did you get it Steve?

STEVE.
Got it!(Crosses back to the kitchen.)
Sally puts coffee cups on the table.

SALLY.
Coffee anyone?
KATHY.
(Calming Down.)Laura that is the hottest thing I have
ever seen.
PATTY.
I have to agree, sis.
LAURA.
I have to admit it was fun.
PATTY.
I bet you thought about it, didn’t you?
SALLY.
I know I did!
KATHY.
Me too!
STEVE.
Me too!
They all look at Steve being reminded he is gay.
 55.

LAURA.
(Coy)Maybe.
Laughter begins and they all cover their mouths so
as not to wake Billy.

STEVE.
Well, there is only one thing left to keep us all
honest about this.
KATHY.
What is that?
STEVE.
A group shot.
LAURA.
What?
PATTY.
A group selfie?
STEVE.
Yep. Once we have that I can send all of us copies of
all these pics to archived in anyway they want, but not
to anyone other then ourselves. Agreed?
SALLY.
Sure...

PATTY.
Why not.
KATHY.
These are very sensitive for us married people.

LAURA.
Yes they are, That is why Steve is right. We are family
and we can trust each other, but we need to all have
copies of these to keep everyone honest.

STEVE.
And a group shot will do that.
LAURA.
Sure, then a group selfie it is.

STEVE.
Great! Lets all line at the end of the couch and do a
selfie with Billy’s entire body showing in it.
 56.

SALLY.
We need a selfie stick.

KATHY.
There is one in the drawer below the coffee maker.
PATTY.
Really?(Opens the Drawer and pulls out the selfie
stick.)

KATHY.
I bought a couple for the wedding but forgot to bring
them. One question?
PATTY.
Yes Mom?
KATHY.
Should we flash too?
LAURA.
Mother!
KATHY.
It was fun!
SALLY.
We could be.
LAURA.
Mother, have you completely lost your mind.
SALLY.
Come on Laura, when was the last time we had this much
fun? Think about it. I think it was the afternoon Patty
got her nickname "Shortcake".
LAURA.
You may be right.
STEVE.
I was really young and I vaguely remember it, but I do
remember it was funny.

PATTY.
Yeah, I cant believe I let you girls talk me into that,
and if I had known it would get me a nickname that was
connected to that embarrassing afternoon I would have
never done it.

LAURA.
You had such an crush if Freddie Lang. How old were
you?
 57.

PATTY.
Twelve.
SALLY.
And you wanted to impress him so much.

LAURA.
So, much that we convinced you to take two big pieces
of shortcake and stuff them in your bra to make your
breast look bigger.

PATTY.
(Drinking coffee and smiling.)And boy did he notice! He
was hanging around me all day, and then when it was
music and dance time he wanted to slow danced with me.
SALLY.
It was a hot day, I recall.
LAURA.
Yes, and when your two bodies met the hot shortcake in
your bra began to crumble and sweat all over his shirt
and your blouse.

STEVE.
Then when Freddie saw it he was very angry.
LAURA.
Yeah, and then he went to the table and said "I wants
some cake".
SALLY.
I told him I would bring it over to him.
PATTY.
You two grabbed the two big piece in bra, broke up some
Ex-lax on top, covered with whipped cream on top and
took it over to him.
STEVE.
It took awhile, but when it hit him, watching him run
into the house, was so funny...
LAURA.
Then into the woods...

PATTY.
(Starting to laugh.)Hearing him groaning from behind
the trees was so pathetic. You guys really need to get
past this and drop the nickname.
 58.

LAURA.
Not on your life.
STEVE.
I agree...

KATHY.
They are right it was a special time in our families
history.
PATTY.
OK, whatever, back to the matter at hand. This would be
a very cool secret we could all keep for the rest of
our lives. Something to bring a smile to our faces for
all of our lives...and maybe forget about "Shortcake".
I vote we flash!

KATHY.
Patty is right. I am in!
SALLY.
Cool, me too!

STEVE.
I am good with it.
Steve is setting the phone up on the selfie stick
and extends it out about three feet.
I am ready.

SALLY.
Well, Laura?
LAURA.
Alright! Alright!

Steve motions for everyone to move into frame on

the phone/camera on the selfie stick. Steve is in
front, all the girls move in looking at the camera
so they could see Billy completely, each of them
try to get the perfect spot. Billy starts snapping
pictures and girls keep changing their poses and
flashing points. Sally kisses Steve with a very
deep kiss and he keeps moaning and snapping.
Suddenly they stop and go back to the kitchen and
collapse in a chairs around the table aroused and
breaking up.
KATHY.
(Breathing heavy.)Wow...That was amazing!!!
 59.

PATTY.
(Laughing.)That’s for sure.
LAURA.
(Exhausted.)Yes, it was.

SALLY.
(Looking at Steve.)That was very hot. Don’t you think
Steve?
STEVE.
(Looking uncomfortable.)Yeah, it was OK. I am emailing
all of you all the pictures. You must keep them
private, and it will our secret.
KATHY.
I will hide them good.

PATTY.
Not under your mattress!
KATHY.
No, much more secret. Now if you excuse me I am going
upstairs... I have a date with something under my
mattress.
Exit Kathy upstairs. The sound of her bedroom door
closes. They all react with smiles.

LAURA.
I am going upstairs to set the bar, as to how I want to
be woke up and serviced for the rest of my life.
SALLY.
You go girl.
Exit Laura up the stairs another door is heard
closing.
PATTY.
I am going to go masturbate and have phone sex with my
husband since he is two hundred miles away...that was
so much fun. Looking forward to those pictures for the
rest of my life.
Exit Patty up the stairs.

STEVE.
Thanks for not saying anything.
SALLY.
What? Oh, you mean that you really enjoyed that kiss?
 60.

STEVE.
Yes, Thanks.
SALLY.
Why don’t you come upstairs with me and I will make you
do that again.
STEVE.
Thanks, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.
SALLY.
Why?
STEVE.
Because I am gay.
SALLY.
You weren’t gay when you where kissing me a few minutes
ago. I got you very aroused.
STEVE.
I wasn’t aroused by you, I was aroused by my view of
Billy.
SALLY.
(Surprised)Yes, of course you were.
STEVE.
Sorry, Sally
SALLY.
It’s OK, I had fun. Now I am going to go upstairs to
take care of all this frustration.

Crosses to the bottom of the stairs.

STEVE.
I could probably at least help you with that.
SALLY.
(Pleasantly surprised.)You could?
STEVE.
Sure, Why not? It’s worth a try.
SALLY.
Then lets give a try.
Exit Sally and Steve up the stairs
Billy begins to stir and stretches out, lifts his
head and shifts around and sits up and looks down
at the bowl on the table.
 61.

BILLY.
(Takes hand full of nuts and throws a few in his
mouth.)That was interesting.
RICHARD.
(Lifts is bottle.)Yes it was.
Blackout
THE END