BEST AVAILABLE

by Jonathan Spector

Contact:
Di Glazer, ICM
dglazer@icmpartners.com
212-556-6820

5.4.22
“What we are seeing now is that, as the deficits grow larger and larger, the folks get tireder and
tireder, for they discovered that the need for money has no bottom. As the folks get tireder and
tireder they also get fuller and fuller of opinions about what is going wrong and why.”
- Zelda Finchandler, “Theaters or Institutions”, 1970

Gratitude and apologies to everyone who agreed to be interviewed for this play.

5.4.22
CAST
(8 total)

Staff & Board:

HELEN she/her, 50s, Managing Director
MAYA, she/her late 30s, Former Associate Artistic Director
DOLORES, she/her 80s, Past Board President

Box Office Workers:

CAROLINA, she/her, early-mid 20s, aspiring dramaturg
BEX, they/them, early-mid 20s, aspiring director
ARIANA, she/they, early-mid 20s, aspiring actor

The Management Consultants:

DAN, he/him, indeterminate middle age
DAVE, he/him, indeterminate middle age
DAVE and DAN should not look at all alike, yet still be weirdly indistinguishable.

The cast doubles as:

Board President
Bill, 70s, played by DAN

Candidates
Itzel, she/her 40s, AD candidate, played by CAROLINA
Brad, he/him, 30s, AD candidate played by BEX
Jacqueline, she/her 50s, AD candidate played by ARIANA
The Romanian, he/him, 60s, AD candidate played by DAVE

Other board members on the Hiring Committee:

Veronica, she/her, 50s played by CAROLINA
Simone she/her, 60s played by ARIANA
Claudia she/her 60s, played by BEX

Former Artistic Director

Gary, he/him, old but somehow ageless. Heard but never seen. Always felt. Played by DAVE.

NOTE:
DOLORES must be White. MAYA should be a POC.

Beyond that there is some flexibility in how you cast, as long as you are doing so thoughtfully and
intentionally. My instinct is that a majority of the Box Office team should be POC.

DOUBLING
Wigs are your friend.

SET
Not absolutely necessary, but I think this play wants a turntable.

5.4.22
1.
A Theater Box Office. Three people sit in front of computers. They each wear a headset.

ARIANA
Yes Ma’am that’s a 2pm performance

that’s right Two Pee Emmmmm

no it didn’t switch

well I’ve been here two years and Sunday matinees have always been at two pm

uh uh
well do you
do you subscribe to any other [theatres]?
cause maybe
maybe you are thinking of a different theater?

BEX
okay so what I can do is
Okay I can’t
well I will let them know
we can’t uh
put you all in the same row
Thank you for that feedback
if you need to be on the left aisle
mmmhmm what can I do is
is
mmmhmmm
well I believe the issue put two of you in H16 and H17
would be and then two right in front in
if we had a five pm show G16 and G17
the actors wouldn’t get a would that [work]?
break between CAROLINA
well thank you for that
recommendation
yes those are the Best Available
if I’m uh
if I go to New York I will
definitely try to see it
So you are all set ma’am
I’m gonna go ahead and
switch those
two tickets for Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern Are Dead
yes I do know about the
TKTS booth
this Saturday at 8pm

5.4.22 1

I haven’t seen it yet
but I hear it’s wonderful
and you should get a
confirmation email
I haven’t seen it yet
but I hear it’s wonderful
I actually
I went to NYU so
I haven’t seen it yet
but I hear it’s wonderful

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
A Lot Of People Have Been Asking That Question And
Regardless of What You Have Heard
The Theater is in Excellent Hands

We Are Calmly Navigating These Rocky Waters

Thanks To Our Talented And Hardworking Team

A Theater Is More Than Just One Person

We Won’t Be Answering Any Questions About Our Outgoing Artistic Director

Because We Want to Focus on The Future Not The Past

BEX
And because non-disclosure agreements may or may not have been signed by multiple parties

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
We Are Tremendously Excited to Lead The Theater Into Its Next Phase Of Life

ARIANA
though really if you’re curious you can just google it

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
The One Thing We’re All On The Same Page About Is
We Need Change
Change That Builds On The Remarkable Legacy of Our Institution

That’s Why We Believe With All Our Hearts

That Despite This Rocky Start
The Twenty-Nineteen Twenty-Twenty Season Will Be Our Best One Yet

We Are So Lucky To Be Here At This Thrilling Juncture

It’s Just Like The Ancient Chinese Blessing
May You Live In Interesting Times

Lights.

5.4.22 2
2.
A fancy bar in New York City. HELEN and MAYA sit at a cocktail table.

HELEN
no no no
what actually happened was
he had a brain aneurysm
and and his wife looked over and just saw him slumped and thought he’d fallen asleep
I guess he usually would fall asleep during the show?
so it wasn’t until intermission that anybody realized

MAYA
oh my god that’s awful

HELEN
and by the time the paramedics got there
it was too late

MAYA
everybody must’ve been really shaken up

HELEN
well I did receive
let’s say
more than ten?
Very Unhappy emails from patrons saying
This Would Never Have Happened Under Gary

A waiter arrives with drinks. Something in Martini glasses.

HELEN
well Maya
cheers

MAYA
yeah
cheers

They toast. Sip.

thanks for reaching out

how are long are in town?

HELEN
just thirty-six hours
the usual whirlwind
but I’m glad you were able to make the time

5.4.22 3
MAYA
of course

HELEN
and how is
how is…Frankie?

MAYA
Freddy

HELEN
oh right!

MAYA
he’s
amazing
just so
I mean it’s hard but
also such a joyful [time]

here I’ll

Maya pulls out her phone, shows Helen a picture.

HELEN
(genuinely)
oh he’s so precious

MAYA
yeah

Helen starts to hand the phone back.

there’s more
you can scroll

HELEN
oh

Helen scrolls for what she deems to be a polite amount of time to spend looking at someone else’s
baby photos.
HELEN
(scrolling)
Aww

MAYA
right?

5.4.22 4
 Helen hands the phone back.
.
HELEN
it must be so great that you’re
you’re getting to
you’re able to be home with him

MAYA
well I’m not
I’m not home with him
I’ve been freelancing

HELEN
oh

MAYA
a lot

HELEN
right right right

I suppose I meant
it’s nice to have that freedom
to choose

MAYA
would have been nice not to being paying out of pocket for health insurance too but

HELEN
of course

and
on that note
I don’t know how much you know about what’s been going on

MAYA
I mean I
I talk to people

though no one seems to know what the actual thing was finally got Gary [fired]

HELEN
and I can’t talk about it
we were all advised
legally
in the event there’s litigation or

5.4.22 5
MAYA
right

HELEN
so the board is
they
it sounds like they want to move Very Fast

they’re talking about trying to get someone in place by Thanksgiving

Christmas at the latest

MAYA
that’s crazy
you can’t do an Artistic Director search in a month

HELEN
yes well
exactly

and I’m just absolutely certain that what's gonna happen is

they’’ll do this search
and paint a very rosy picture of the budget and the deficit
and then this new person will come in and discover how dire things actually are
and probably turn right around and leave and
I just
I don’t know if we could survive that

and I was here in 2009

in the crash
and I am not doing that again
I am not telling our people
our family
that they don’t have a job anymore
just because we are afraid of making some hard choices

and I’ve tried to say this to them

but Bill
Bill Tannenbaum is the board president now

MAYA
what happen to Dolores?
did she
did she finally…[die]?

HELEN
no no
alive and well

5.4.22 6
just cycled off the board

MAYA
ah

HELEN
but Bill just keeps saying
we need Fresh Ideas
we need Fresh Ideas

and
okaayyy
I don’t disagree
but What Does That Mean, Bill
and he absolutely refuses to elaborate

he’s chomping at the bit to hire this fancy search firm

and I just keep saying
Bill
Take A Deep Breath
There’s No Rush

which is why I was wondering if you would

at least temporarily
consider
coming back

A little moment.

MAYA
uhhhh…..no
sorry

I have zero interest in being an Associate Artistic Director again

there or anywhere

HELEN
oh no no no no
not come back as Associate Artistic Director

but as:
Interim
Artistic
Director

MAYA
oh

5.4.22 7
HELEN
I’ve already floated the idea to Dolores
she’s not on the board anymore but she’s still very
influential
and you know she’s a Big Fan of yours

MAYA
is she?

I feel like half the board still thinks of me as like

Gary’s coffee girl

HELEN
no no
not at all
and if a few of the them do
then fuck them, right?

MAYA
yeah
(surprisingly aggressive)
Fuck THEM

A tiny moment.

HELEN
…yes

and but
I think with you and I working in tandem

we could really
we could
Right The Ship
Make Real Change

MAYA
but do you think the board is actually open to
to Real Change

HELEN
I do
I really do
I think in this moment
they feel like the sky is falling
they don’t know what end is up

so I think this is the moment

5.4.22 8
they’re looking for someone to lead

because
they have no idea what an Artistic Director does
all they knew
was Gary
and how Gary did things

and they know

they know they don’t want that anymore
so

MAYA
well if I was gonna do this

it’s not just

what’s the work we’re putting on the stage
of course that's a huge part of it
but more
shifting our whole focus to be about
making work for the community

HELEN
right
absolutely

I mean
maybe not the whole focus
we still need to get people in the door, right?

MAYA
right

and what we’ve been doing

what you’ve been doing
was not accomplishing that

there’s so much untapped audience out there

because no one’s making work for them

HELEN
no, absolutely
and we need to be thinking in much more open-minded ways about partnerships

MAYA
definitely

5.4.22 9
HELEN
and revenue-sources

MAYA
sure

HELEN
like the fact that we could never even have a conversation about co-productions
because Gary had to be totally in control of Every Aspect
we can’t be so Top Down anymore

MAYA
we’d need to change the culture
I mean
obviously

HELEN
it was a toxic environment

MAYA
the fear and the gaslighting

HELEN
and no more of this
pitting people against each other
going behind people’s backs

MAYA
right
always trying to make you to feel like you couldn’t trust anyone else on staff

HELEN
except him

MAYA
right right right

but it’s not

it’s not going to change just because Gary’s gone

people would need to know

they would need to know that every trace of that toxicity has been wiped clean
that we respect the people who work there as humans
who have value

HELEN
we would need to say

5.4.22 10
This Is A New Day

MAYA
YES

A moment.

HELEN
this
(gestures back and forth between them)
feels really good

MAYA
no it does
um

but
look
this is fun to think about
like
you know
the theater has So Much potential
but

I can’t
there’s no way I can move my family back across the country for a temporary position

HELEN
no sure

MAYA
I mean we just got Freddy into day-care
and I have a bunch of freelance gigs lined-up and

like
when the search opens up officially I will definitely throw my hat in the ring but

HELEN
no of course of course

it was just an idea

MAYA
and I’m flattered, really

if the timing was [different]

5.4.22 11
HELEN
no no no yeah

though
well
okay
how about this
let me talk to Dolores
like I said she still has everyone’s ear
so I bet
if she and I tag-team the rest of the board

I bet we could get them to put off the search for

at least a year?
if you came in

MAYA
oh yeah?

HELEN
and that would give us the opportunity to just
to
to really articulate for them
what the Vision for this Organization should be going forward

MAYA
…right

HELEN
it’s just
we have this window of opportunity where they’re open to change

and I don’t how long that’ll last

MAYA
well

I do have some ideas

I mean
I spent years coming up with ideas

HELEN
I know you did

and with Dolores in our corner

I think there’s a really strong chance
that
we get you in there

5.4.22 12
and by this time next year
they’ll be ready to drop the “interim” from your title

MAYA
I don’t know

I don’t know
it’s super tempting but

HELEN
I completely understand

MAYA
but maybe

maybe I owe it to the staff to give it a try?

HELEN
I don’t think you owe anything to anybody
except yourself

A moment.

MAYA
hypothetically

when would you want me to start

HELEN
uh, today?
no but seriously
ASAP I think
it would have to be

MAYA
okay so just thinking through the logistics
let me ask
that show Gary was supposed to direct in March slot
what’s the plan for that?

HELEN
there’s some conversations but right now
there is no plan

MAYA
cause I’m supposed to go into rehearsal next month for this astonishing new play
young Palestinian playwright

5.4.22 13
her work is
it’s revolutionary

HELEN
ah

MAYA
she’s self-producing it downtown
so I’d feel really terrible abandoning her

but maybe
maybe if instead we brought it over
gave it the support it deserves

HELEN
sounds
intriguing

MAYA
I’ll email it to you

HELEN
and I’ll call Dolores first thing tomorrow
so she can spread the word
tell them to they can hold off on hiring that search firm
or better yet
not hire them at all

Lights.

5.4.22 14
3.
A conference room. DAVE and DAN talk to us. They are indistinguishable.

DAVE
so the place Dan and I like to begin is

there’s an exercise
a goal-setting exercise

DAN
it’s a corporate leadership thing

DAVE
you ask yourself
first you say
what do I want my life to look like a year from now?
what do I want to have accomplished?
and you write that down

DAN
and then you say
what do I want my life to look life five years from now?
what kind of a person do I want to be?
in what areas have I grown?

DAVE
and then you say
what about twenty years from now?
what’s an average day look like for me?

DAN
what about thirty years?

DAVE
are you still working?
how’s your health?

DAN
and what about laying on your deathbed?

DAVE
who are the people standing around you?
who’s holding your hand?

DAN
who’s telling you how much they love you?

5.4.22 15
DAVE
and why?
why do they love you?

DAN
what did you make of your life?

DAVE
and your children and friends and chosen family are all standing around you
gathered together to read out loud a draft of your obituary

DAN
which a lot of people would find morbid

DAVE
which a lot of people would find morbid
but you don’t

DAN
But
You
Don’t

and why is that, Dave?

DAVE
why is that?

it’s because you’ve lived a life so full of purpose

in which every person you’ve met leaves an encounter with you
having had their humanity affirmed

DAN
you Left No Stone Unturned

DAVE
and now
you’re ready to say goodbye

DAN
and the question is:
What Does That Obituary Say?

DAVE
and then once you know that
you can ask yourself
what do I need to be doing in 30 years to make that deathbed moment happen?

5.4.22 16
in 20 years? in 10?

DAN
what are the steps?
in 5 years ? in 1? in a month? next week? tomorrow?

DAVE
and then you can begin

DAN
and now
we can take that same way of thinking
that same mindfulness
and ask

What Do We Want the Obituary of the Theater to say?

DAVE
let’s imagine that the curtain has just come down on the last performance
of the last play
that will ever be seen on your stages

DAN
this is the end

DAVE
it doesn’t matter why

DAN
the why’s not important

DAVE
another financial crises
climate change
global pandemic

DAN
or maybe people just stopped coming

DAVE
there’s so many entertainment options at our disposal now
last weekend I binged five seasons of Gilmore Girls
I have no idea why

DAN
or
maybe an authoritarian regime has installed itself

5.4.22 17
and shut down the theater
because the work was too subversive
too important
and it was having an impact

DAVE
but what was that impact?

DAN
what are people gonna say about the theater?
is it just that
the actor spoke clearly
and the costumes were pretty
oh the sets were marvelous!

or is it something more?

DAN/DAVE
What Does That Theater Obituary Say?

DAVE
for sure it won’t mention Gary

DAN
well it might mention him
but only in passing

DAVE
a footnote

DAN
right
you know
founder of the theater
served from such and such year to such and such year

DAVE
but no mention of the scandal

DAN
of course not
because the theater is about so much more than that

DAVE
So
Much
More

5.4.22 18
DAN
now
Imagine That More

DAVE
it’s better if you close your eyes

(a mini-beat for eye-closing)

great

DAN
now back up
what do you have to do in thirty years to get there?

DAVE
and keep backing up
twenty years
ten
five

DAN
and how about this:

DAVE
it’s opening night of next season
your new Artistic Director is at the top of the lobby staircase holding a glass of champagne
toasting to the first of many triumphal successes

DAN
now
answer this question:

What Does That Person Look Like?

A little beat.

DAVE
but not racially

DAN
oh no no no

DAVE
or gender
or age

5.4.22 19
DAN
no no no of course not

what we mean is
What Does That Person Feel Like?

What kind of a leader are they?

What are their values?

What’s the energy they bring into a room?

Do they make the air feel electric? In what way?

DAVE
And most importantly

How do they make you feel?

DAN
because that’s why we’re here

DAVE
that’s why you’ve hired us

DAN
we’re here to find the person who Makes You Feel Good

DAVE
you give so much to this institution

DAN
time
money
love

DAVE
You are the Board of Directors
You deserve to have a leader who Makes You Feel Good

DAN
so

let’s get started

Lights.

5.4.22 20
4.
A dining room table at a high-end restaurant. White table cloth. DOLORES sits with MAYA.

DOLORES
it’s the crowds and the heat
and it’s
I would never recommend to go that time of year
but you know
that’s when the grandchildren were out of school
and
I thought they should see the Mona Lisa

but it’s true what everyone says

Paris Has Changed
and I don’t mean the the
there certainly are now
there are these
Very Large Muslim populations
but they seem like nice people
and we had some
terrific Ethnic Food
over in the
(in well-schooled accent)
Cinque Arrondissement

there’s all these little stalls

now I don’t normally eat food off the street
but the boys just love it
my granddaughters not as much
but the boys love to eat anything off a stick
My Little Barbarians

and you’ve got one now yourself

isn’t that right?

MAYA
yes
I uh
he’s just turned two

DOLORES
what an age!

MAYA
yeah
it’s a lot
but

5.4.22 21
it’s been amazing

DOLORES
I know it’s a big sacrifice taking this time away from him
the guilt you must feel
because
you know
You Never Get Those Years Back

MAYA
um

DOLORES
just to say
we appreciate having you be part of the family again
it’s hard being a ship without a captain
tossed about at sea

MAYA
well you’ve had Helen

DOLORES
look
we all like Helen
she’s got the numbers
and god bless her
she did her very best to restrain Gary
keep us from going too deep in the hole
but
Helen thinks the art is an Obstacle To Be Overcome

MAYA
I’m not sure that’s true
she cares about the work

DOLORES
she cares a great deal about the building the work happens in
maintaining the building
polishing the building
expanding the size of the payroll for the building

what she does not seem to care very much about is

what happens in the building

unlike you dear

that’s why I was so very sad when you had decided to move on
we all were

5.4.22 22
Gary especially
I know we’re not meant to say anything nice about him anymore
but between you and me

he was always your champion

MAYA
really?
that’s…
surprising

DOLORES
he used to say
she’s the future of this place

MAYA
well
Gary said a lot of things

DOLORES
enough about him

so
I don’t know if you’re aware this
but they’ve cycled me off the board

MAYA
oh yes
I’d heard

DOLORES
but I am still a Friend of The Theater
or as I sometimes fear I am seen
as the Friendly Checkbook of the Theater
or more that
well
they know they’re in my will
they’ve made sure of that
and I was happy to do it
and
last winter I had a small drop of cancer
and was in the hospital for a bit
and they were very sweet about checking in on me
sending an intern over with balloons
and
soup
and

5.4.22 23
when I showed up
I surprised them
I showed up at an Opening and Helen
god bless her
she saw me
the Picture of Health
and she
I’m quite certain
her face dropped
no doubt she had already been spending the money in her mind

MAYA
oh I doubt that’s what she was/…[thinking]

DOLROES
well
I’m afraid they’re stuck me for a just a bit longer
and as such
they have plopped me on this Artistic Director Search Committee

MAYA
the uh
the search committee?

I thought they were uh

I’m sorry
I was under the impression the search was on hold
for at least a year

now that I’m here

DOLORES
that’s what Helen wanted
but Bill is Very Determined so

MAYA
wait
when did this
when did this happen?

DOLORES
it’s just happened
yesterday we had our first meeting with these
these Very Slick search firm fellows

MAYA
oh

5.4.22 24
DOLORES
but I told them
I would serve if
and only if
they would include on the committee a member of the staff
which had not been their plan

but you know

my husband was for many years on the board of the symphony and he said
he said
we would never hire a conductor without consulting the orchestra
how do we know if he’s any good or not

so everyone’s agreed
you’ll join our next meeting as the “staff representative”

MAYA
I’m sorry but
uhhhh
wouldn’t that be a
wouldn’t that be a pretty severe conflict of interest?

DOLORES
quite the opposite
you’re officially here in an interim position
as far as everyone is concerned you have no dog in this fight

MAYA
(really struggling to keep a lid on it)
okay um

look
IIIIII

I feel need to be up front here and say

I would never have accepted this position if/ I knew [would be this short-tem]

DOLORES
yes yes yes
I thought Helen had already discussed this with you
this way
the board will all get to know you better
get to see you as a leader
in this Interim period
and then when each of the candidates that this search firm brings forward is found lacking
as I will insist they are
we will turn quite naturally
to you

5.4.22 25
what about Maya?
she’s been right here all along
she understands better than anyone what this theater is all about
and she’s ALREADY doing the job

MAYA
Oh
um
wow
uh

okay
I uh

I appreciate that you have so much confidence in me

truly
but
if we’re trying to to to
Change The Culture then
I think it’s crucial that
if I’m offered the position
it’s as the result of a fair and legitimate process

DOLORES
well I am sorry to tell you
this is not going to be a fair and legitimate process
Bill is absolutely enthralled with the mindset of these Silicon Valley people
and the idea that you must
disrupt disrupt disrupt
whereas I believe
you do enough Creative Destruction and you’re most likely to end up with a pile of rubble

and the rest of the board

god bless them
they don’t know what’s going on
not to blame them
they are very busy people
very bright people
with very very important jobs
volunteering their time
they show up meaning well and just want to be pointed the right direction

and in terms of earning it?

well
what you’ve been through
what you suffered under Gary?

5.4.22 26
I don’t know all the details and I don’t want to
but the one thing I know is

if anyone has earned this, it’s you

Lights.

5.4.22 27
5.
The Box Office. The three box office workers, on the phone.

BEX
it’s those four little numbers on the back of the card

yeah no
you need to turn it over

right
can you just read them off to me?

perfect
Okay
so just to confirm
I’ve got you down for ARIANA
oh that sounds really hard
Saturday the fifth
that’s a 7pm show CAROLINA
you’re in row D oh wow sure uh
seats 4, 6 and 8
and it’s um
no no no a family getting together over
I said the fifth Thanksgiving and then um
Eff eye Vee Eee well I think since he’s your
brother, that still technically
makes him their uncle even if
he’s also now their stepfather
Okay so it looks like
I can put you in row G I think it’s called that cause
like Humans have bodies?
maybe it’s worth having them
talk to like, a family therapist?
okay great
no I think those are great No no no
seats it’s not the cast that did it in
New York
okay well I just refund those
tickets back to the card they
Those are the Best Available it’s a totally new production
purchased on

thank you so much thank you so much thank you so much

we really appreciate it we really appreciate it we really appreciate it

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
It Was An Unavoidable Scheduling Conflict
And We Do Apologize For Any Inconvenience

5.4.22 28
But John Patrick Shanley’s Doubt Will No Longer Be Part of Our Season

And As A Thank You For Being A Loyal Subscriber

You Will Receive A Coupon For An Intermission Treat
On Us

Chocolate Chip Cookie

Peanut Butter Cookie
Blondie
Fudge Brownie
Fruit Cup

Are Your Choices

Which You Will Need To Select Prior To Curtain Time

We Are Not Able To Accommodate Any Changes At The Time of Intermission

The New Artistic Director, Whoever They Are

Will Now Select A New Show To Add To This Season
I Hear There Are Some Very Exciting Possibilities

They hang up.

CAROLINA
you know who I just saw in the bathroom?

ARIANA
who

CAROLINA
Maya

BEX
oh cool
I haven’t seen her yet

ARIANA
who’s that?

CAROLINA
she was the
she used to be like the
Associate Artistic Director
and then she quit

BEX
well
I don’t know if she quit exactly

5.4.22 29
I think it was like
a really hard environment for her?

like she was really good at managing Gary I think

but then maybe at a certain point it was probably just like

CAROLINA
yeah there was this weird company-wide email that just said
please join us in welcoming Emily as our new Associate AD
and it was like
whoa what happened to Maya
but also like
don’t talk about it

ARIANA
oh wait I know who you’re talking about
isn’t Maya the one who got fired for being pregnant

CAROLINA
I’m pretty sure that’s illegal

ARIANA
yeah but like
a lot of things are illegal

BEX
did you talk to her
to Maya?

CAROLINA
no I mean
I don’t really know her
so

BEX
oh
she’s so great

ARIANA
oh yeah?

BEX
yeah
I
when I was an intern I was her assistant director for The Children’s Hour

5.4.22 30
and she was just
it was such a comfortable rehearsal room and

CAROLINA
that was a great show

BEX
oh yeah
thanks
I was really proud

ARIANA
did you like
did you get to like
do any

BEX
no I mean
I mostly just observed

but but
she even asked for my notes sometimes
and that’s
most directors don’t do that
so

CAROLINA
wow

BEX
yeah

it was
it was like really impactful for me just to
I mean I’d only ever assisted male directors
so just
to be in a room lead by a woman
a woman of color
get to witness a totally different way of
Holding Space
and like
fostering a creative [environment]

ARIANA
totally

5.4.22 31
BEX
yeah
she’s gonna write one of my grad school recommendations
I mean I think
after the show opened she was like
she bought me a drink and was like
what nobody tells you is
the way you actually make a career
is by building your network of advocates one person at a time
and now I am part of your network

ARIANA
oh that’s amazing

BEX
yeah I mean I haven’t heard back from her
but it’s not due for like two months so
and I’m sure she’s just been crazy busy like
moving back here and

CAROLINA
did you follow up
you gotta follow up

BEX
no yeah I did

ARIANA
you’re going to grad school?

BEX
yeah
for directing
I mean I think
like
if I get in

I applied four years ago right when I graduated from college and didn’t get in anywhere
but that makes sense cause I had like
no professional experience
I’m in such a different place now so

A phone rings. BEX answers.

BEX
City Repertory Theater
CAROLINA how can I help you
I almost applied this year

5.4.22 32
ARIANA
for acting?
Yes I have you down for one ticket
CAROLINA
no no
ohmygod no
Yes it’s the first performance
ARIANA
but you’re such an amazing actor!
No technically this a preview performance?
CAROLINA
oh thanks
Opening night is next Thursday
ARIANA
you were so good in that Caryl Churchill play
it just means the actors are still rehearsing
that’s like
one of the best things I’ve ever seen in my
whole life
truthfully
right well that’s why tickets are cheaper
CAROLINA
oh wow you saw that?
I thought like nobody saw that show
like seriously there’d be
three people in the audience some nights

ARIANA that sounds really tricky

have we never talked about this?

CAROLINA
I don’t think so
no I’ve never owned a ferret
ARIANA
ohhhh
I think it was before I started working here
but really I told everyone I know
YOU MUST SEE THIS SHOW

CAROLINA I’m not an expert but I would definitely call 911

Wow thanks

that means a lot and maybe get a rabies shot?

it was a special one

ARIANA Okay we’re here till six if you wanna call back
so what are you going to grad school for then?

5.4.22 33
 BEX ends their call.
CAROLINA
for um
if I was gonna go
for
dramaturgy?
like
I read plays for the Lit Department sometimes
and like
I think I’m really good at it?
I think maybe I just have really good taste
cause there’s been a couple times where I’ve read a play and wrote an amazing report
like YOU MUST DO THIS PLAY
but then they don’t and then it’s like
two seconds later somebody does it in New York and it's a big hit
and it like wins the Pulitzer Prize or something

ARIANA
you get paid for that?

CAROLINA
no but I get like
free tickets

BEX
we already get free tickets

CAROLINA
this was before I was working box office

but yeah no
then like
I saw this googlespreadsheet where all these people put in how much they make
but like anonymously?
and I saw how much dramaturgs make and it’s like

you know I want to have a family one day

so

I think maybe I’m gonna apply to law school

BEX/CAROLINA
nooooooo!

CAROLINA

5.4.22 34
yeah
and then like in ten years
I’ll walk up to the box office and I’ll buy a ticket
and I’ll pay full price and spend like $50 on a pre-ordered glass of wine and crudité plate
for intermission
and you’ll be like
didn’t we used to know that girl?
and I’ll be like
No, that girl is a ghost. THIS girl is lawyer.
Like a Super Successful Lawyer
but I support the arts
because I’ll still have good values
and then after the show
I’ll take everyone out for drinks
like maybe you’ll be directing and you’ll be acting in it

ARIANA
oh that’d be AMAZING

CAROLINA
plus like the whole cast and stage management and everybody
and I’ll tell you to get anything you want and put it on my tab

BEX
Loooove iiiit!

CAROLINA
and then I’ll tell everyone what I really think about the show

and at first people might be dismissive of what I say

what do I know?
I’m just some lady who majored in drama a million years ago
but
but
then you’re like
but wait
she’s really rich
she’s really successful
and I’m not
I mean maybe you are successful in the tiny tiny super circumscribed way that you’ve defined it
but like
not really
because you’re still like
drowning in student loans
and you live with three roommates
and can’t afford nice vacations

so when I give you a note about your show

5.4.22 35
you’ll listen
you have to listen
because there will be this little part of you that’s like
maybe I’ve been lying to myself this whole time
maybe she figured it out
maybe everybody figured it out
all my friends from college who have babies and mortgages and retirement plans
and in-home nursing care for their aging parents
maybe everybody figured it out but me
so maybe she knows something I don't
and you’ll take my note
and you’ll incorporate it into the show
and it will make it so much better
and the audience will go wild with applause
and that applause
your applause
your applause will be my applause
because Winners Take All

A beat.

or I don’t know
I might just do this like
Yoga-teacher training instead

The phone rings. CAROLINA answers it.

CAROLINA
City Repertory Box Office
how can I help you?

Lights.

5.4.22 36
6.
A home workout room.

BILL is in workout clothes, moving very slowly on a treadmill. HELEN is in formal attire.

She sits on a chair and speaks to him as he exercises. Bill sometimes takes breaths between his lines, from exercise.

BILL
You know who I’m excited to meet?

this Russian fella

HELEN
oh isn’t he
Romanian?

BILL
seems like he has real uh
Gravitas

HELEN
the ones I’m aware of
they’re all impressive

though officially
I don’t even know who the candidates are

BILL
of course

but also
always good to have your POV on it
you’re the one who keeps the gears turnings

HELEN
thank you
I appreciate that

and actually
that’s [why I wanted to talk to you]
since you weren’t able to be at the last board meeting

I don’t know if you were able to take a look at any of the financials

BILL
I got ‘em printed out

HELEN

5.4.22 37
perfect

so

cashflow is

Not
Great

and we were
I was
just checking in

to see if you’d be willing to complete your pledge before the end of the month this year
which I know is earlier than you usually

BILL
Gotcha

Yep

Shouldn’t be a problem

take me two three days

I should be able to wire it over to you

HELEN
great

thanks Bill

it’s a
it’s an enormous [help]

BILL
I’m glad you brought it up
actually
was gonna

Bill presses a button, ups the difficulty on the elliptical, his breathings gets heavier.

I’d been thinking

About my pledge

This Year

It’s

5.4.22 38
I understand

A Transition

Was Thinking

Maybe

You’d Need More

Was Thinking

I Could

Triple It

This Year

HELEN
Wow
Bill
That’s incredibly generous
I
I don’t need to tell you/ what an impact

BILL
BUT

I Was Also
Was Also

Thinking

That It Might Make Sense

For Me To Wait

Make Sure We’ve Got

Fresh Ideas

In Here

Make Sure

My

5.4.22 39
Investment

Was

Solid

Bill starts slowing down the machine.

HELEN
Okay
uh

Bill holds up a finger, as to say he’s not done talking. Helen waits while he catches his
breath, as he does the Cool Down on the elliptical.

BILL
thing is
I don’t believe in throwing good money after bad
so

HELEN
oh well I have some
ideas

BILL
Fresh Ideas?

HELEN
yeah
Um

BILL
let’s hear ‘em

HELEN
Okay well
Uhhhhhhh
(wracking her brain for what he’ll want to hear)

ah!
okay
last year at the TCG conference I saw a demo of this new computer program
that
rather than having live person work at the box office
it’s
it sounds like a human voice but it’s actually artificial intelligence?

Bill speeds up the machine again.

5.4.22 40
BILL
that’s

smart
prolly

save us a bundle

HELEN
I think the technology isn’t quite there yet
but soon
very soon
it’ll be
most of the time you won’t even be able to tell you’re not talking to a real person

BILL
this is good stuff Helen

HELEN
thanks

BILL
what else

ya

got

HELEN
um

BILL speeds up the machine, even faster pace than before.

BILL
something

Big

Bold

HELEN
okay one thing

when I was in New York that last trip

I had conversation with a couple of big commercial producers
about this really exciting new musical project
Tony Award winning team is working on it

5.4.22 41
they just reached out again last week
I guess they were supposed to take it to another regional theater but that fell apart
and the enhancement money would cover a lot of our costs
and there’s big big potential long term
and we’ve got that open slot that for the show Gary was supposed to direct

so it’s really
it’s all upside

BILL
rightrightright

HELEN
and this is
it’s really special
I heard a demo
it’s a totally innovative approach to the juke box musical
and I mean
it’s not the kind of thing we traditionally have done here

Bill slows down the pace of the treadmill.

BILL
who’s the band?

HELEN
it’s uh
so it’s uh
it’s not a band
it’s a pastiche of TV show theme songs from the 80s and 90s

BILL
Huh

you know which one always used to get stuck in my head was
(singing the theme song from ‘The Greatest American Hero’)
Believe It Or Not
Iiiiiii’m Walking on Air
Never Thought I Would Feel So Free-eee-eee

is that in there?

HELEN
yeah
yeah it is

BILL
I like it

5.4.22 42
HELEN
I mean I’ll have to talk to Maya
I think she had some other ideas about what to put into that slot

BILL
well I don’t wanna get in the middle of mom and dad fighting

HELEN
no of course

BILL
at the same time
Maya
she’s a sweet kid
but she’s just a temp

at my firm
we don't ask the temps to weigh-in on long term business decisions
right?

HELEN
…right

Bill’s phone, which was in the cup holder of his treadmill starts ringing.

BILL
Ah

that’s my call

far as I’m concerned

if that’s the way you decide to go

Bill picks up the phone.

BILL
hiya
I’m here

uh huh

okay well I read through that and

I think we’ve got them over a barrel on the compliance issue

Bill exits.
The treadmill is still running. Helen stands there, trying to decide if she should turn it off.
Lights.

5.4.22 43
7.
SCREENING INTERVIEW #1

Projected, we see ITZEL (40s, played by Carolina). She is mid-interview, giving her schpeil about herself.

*The candidate videos need to be pre-recorded, since those actors are also onstage.

ITZEL
And after I finished up at Princeton
I was living in New York
working for Morgan Stanley
and I had a roommate who was an actor
they lost their stage manager right before tech
and she begged me
and I
something just clicked
and the day after the show closed I applied to grad school for stage management
and
had three really intense but wonderful years in New Haven

As she speaks, lights rise on the conference room. Seated around half of the conference table are
Maya, Dolores, Dave, Bill, SIMONE (50s, played by Ariana), CLAUDIA (60s played by
Bex), and VERONICA (50,s played by Carolina),

They all sit wrapped on one side of the table, facing a screen. A mic is center before them.

and then was out

working non-stop in New York
mostly at the Public
and it was actually
it was actually George C. Wolfe
I’d done four shows with him
and he started soliciting my opinion on certain moments
and it was really he who was the one who said

Itzel
You’re a Very Fine Stage Manager
but you’ll be an Exceptional Director
Stop Wasting Your Life

BILL
I’m sorry sweetie can you speak up a bit?

A tiny beat.

Itzel bristles in a barely-perceptible way at “sweetie”, but masks it well.

5.4.22 44
ITZEL
Of course

So

DOLORES
Bill
she said she went to Yale

CLAUDIA
that’s just terrific

BILL
Was Bob Brustein still at Yale when you were there?

ITZEL
um
no he was
I think that would’ve been way before my time

SIMONE
How old are you honey?

BILL
My wife and Bob’s brother’s wife played tennis way back

MAYA
that’s uh
that’s not
I’m not sure it’s really appropriate to ask that [question]
Dave?

SIMONE
You look like you’re about 25 but you must be older than that
All the things you’ve done

DAVE
Thank you Maya
Yes, legally Itzel
you’re not obligated to answer that

ITZEL
no it’s
that’s fine

I’m forty seven

5.4.22 45
 SIMONE
I would’ve said thirty
don’t you think Veronica
she doesn’t look a day over thirty

VERONICA
I want your skin care regiment!

ITZEL
sooooo
just to finish up
I was a freelance director in New York and regionally
for about ten years
and now have been associate artistic director at Austin Rep since 2011
developing new work
and really focusing on building out the community-based initiatives

CLAUDIA
yes we’d love to hear more about these “initiatives”

ITZEL
of course
the structure was

we partnered with the school district

not only did we bring our shows to them
but we would then bring those students
some of those students
we’d bring them to after school classes at the theater
and work with them to create plays
a cast of
a mix of these students and professional actors

SIMONE
but how much was the
the tuition
that they paid to participate

ITZEL
oh no no no
it was a free program
these were
we were primarily in underserved communities
communities of color who didn’t have access
to

VERONICA
because you know we do charge tuition to our classes here

5.4.22 46
ITZEL
no yes
I’m aware of that

CLAUDIA
we must pay the teachers

SIMONE
and in our strategic plan
we were looking to expand our education programs as a Revenue Stream
some corporate partnerships
teach public speaking to executives

BILL
yup yup yup
they sure could use it

CLAUDIA
and they can pay!
BILL
thing is we sure could use some Fresh Ideas around here
but we also gotta think about the ROI
Return on Investment
they musta taught you that at Morgan Stanley

ITZEL
they sure did

and what I would say is

maybe it’s about reframing the way we think about that return
that value

DAVE
Okay!
I did promise that we would keep these first round conversations brief

so
Itzel
I’ll just turn it over to you in the time we have remaining
if you have any questions for the committee?

ITZEL
well uh
well I’d just love to hear from
from any of you
why you’re a supporter of this theater

5.4.22 47
what you love about it

VERONICA
Oh I can go?

For me
I
I just love the plays
I love them all
I know some people are very
critical
but I’m not
that’s not my job
and I go to New York
and I go to London
and that’s just marvelous
but to be able to
to see a lovely little play
and then go home
and sleep in my own bed

DAVE
okay!
we are At Time
so
Itzel
thank you so much for making this space and
we will be in touch very soon
and please don’t hesitate to reach out
transparency is very important to us

Dave clicks a on a mouse, and the Itzel window disappears. He turns to the group:

DAVE
okay!
first let me just again apologize for Dan’s absence today
couldn’t be helped
emergency tonsillectomy

DOLORES
oh I do hope he’s okay

DAVE
thank you
I’ll pass that along
it very routine

5.4.22 48
 BILL
you know my brother had tonsillitis
and back then they would
prophylactically
he had his tonsils out
and I was there at the doctor’s office
and he told my mother
might as well go for a two-fer
and took mine out too
just to be on the safe side

VERONICA
that’s a bit medieval sounding

DAVE
soooo gang
real quick before I let you all go
I’d love to take your temperature
see how everyone’s feeling
what did we think of Itzel?

CLAUDIA
she was very…nice

BILL
She had some fresh ideas!

SIMONE
oh yes she seemed quite bright

VERONICA
well, Princeton and Yale!

BILL
Yup yup yup

DAVE
what’s your take Maya?
you’re the artist here

MAYA
oh um
I think she’s great
I mean I don't know her well but she’s
very well liked
and has great taste
and is really pushing the conversation in term of

5.4.22 49
 DOLORES
so you believe we should hire her?
she’s the one for us?

A tiny moment.

MAYA
umm

DOLORES
be honest
you’re bringing the expertise we lack

CLAUDIA
which is so helpful

MAYA
okay uhhh

MAYA considers for a moment.

like I said
I think she’s terrific
but
Cone of Silence?
she does have a reputation for
biting off a bit more than she can chew
not following through
getting overwhelmed
I think her heart’s totally in the right place but

VERONICA
well we can’t have that

DOLORES
exactly
I think this work with the
the needy children
I think it’s wonderful
but my concern is
if that’s her focus
do you think she’d still have the capacity for

SIMONE
right
right

5.4.22 50
 because you know the thing about Gary
and I know
we’re not supposed to say anything nice about him but
he never stopped working
sixteen hour days

VERONICA
except in Costa Rica!

BILL
yup
those three weeks a year in Costa Rica
radio silence

DOLORES
we need someone who’s going to give full focus to the art

CLAUDIA
we should definitely hire her to stage manage though

MAYA
Itzel’s actually a director
a Very Good director

CLAUDIA
I’m quite sure she said she was a stage manager

SIMONE
she said she started out as a stage manager

VERONICA
well if she ever wants to get back to her roots
let’s make a space for her here

DAVE
okay!
this has been a really great start friends
thank you all so much

Lights.

5.4.22 51
8.
HELEN and MAYA, at a café table in the theater lobby.

MAYA
so I’ve been blocking out two hours a day on my calendar
every day
and anybody who wants can sign for a half hour slot
come in and talk to me about whatever’s on their mind

HELEN
anybody on staff?

MAYA
anybody in the whole community

it’s been
it’s been really incredible
getting to hear from so many different kinds of stakeholders
about what they want from the theater

HELEN
that’s…
two hours every day?

MAYA
you should come sit in on some with me

HELEN
yeah I’d
(this is her idea of hell)
I’d love that

oh um
I was wondering how you’re progressing on that list of donor calls?

MAYA
yeah
yep
I’m
making my way through it

HELEN
great

cause the more cash we can get in the door this quarter is [crucial]
and I think people are gonna be really reassured to just
to hear your voice
know they have your ear

5.4.22 52
MAYA
absolutely

HELEN
I mean
I’m aware it’s LONG list

MAYA
but also I think from a values perspective?
as part of changing the culture
it’s important that I don’t prioritize making time for their voices
over all the other people who make up our community

HELEN
…right

MAYA
so I’m trying to make sure there’s a balance

HELEN
uh huh

MAYA
and like I said
I’ve been having a lot of really eye-opening conversations
seems like there’s a lot of things people had never been comfortable voicing before

HELEN
right

MAYA
and one thing I’m hearing a lot is
of course
everybody’s curious about what’s going to go in the March slot

it’d be great to be able to announce it

give people a little taste of where we’re taking the theater artistically

have you heard back from her agent yet?

HELEN
not
yet
but I
I did read it and

I agree it really is…

5.4.22 53
MAYA
breathtaking?

HELEN
uh…provocative?

MAYA
that too, sure

HELEN
and I am just a tiny bit concerned how some of our audience
some of our donors
at a moment when we need every dollar we’re counting on to come in
how they might receive it?

MAYA
what do you mean?

HELEN
just that certain people
might feel it’s a little…one sided?

MAYA
it’s compiled all from verbatim interviews with Palestinians and Israelis
that’s part of what’s so remarkable about it
it’s not one-sided at all
it’s such a range of viewpoints

HELEN
no no yeah

MAYA
and I think it’ll actually be a great springboard to engage our audience
to demonstrate the way we want to make this a space
for nuanced and difficult conversations

HELEN
right right

maybe what we should do is

go ahead and lock it in for a workshop this spring
and then we can lay the groundwork to program it in a future [season]

MAYA
I don’t think it needs a workshop
it’s ready to go

5.4.22 54
HELEN
sure
I just mean
thinking about the timing
especially with the search
it seems like Dolores has a clear plan
we don’t want mess with that

MAYA
uh huh

HELEN
but also just from a PR perspective
if we hold off until they're ready to make you official
so the press release can be
as part of reintroducing you to the community
here’s Maya
and here are some of the plays she’ll be programming in the future

MAYA
no yeah

HELEN
to make a bigger impact
both for you and for the plays

MAYA
right right right

HELEN
how’s that going
the search committee?

MAYA
oh um
cone of silence?

it’s super awkward

Bill is just
extremely enthusiastic about each candidate
(imitating Bill)
I like their Fresh Ideas

and Dolores is just

(imitating Dolores)
no, no, no, not for us

5.4.22 55
and the rest of the board sort of ping pongs back and forth

so I’m just trying to use it as an opportunity to nudge the board to think more broadly about
equity
sustainability
what it would mean to Right Size the organization

HELEN
that’s so great

MAYA
I think so?
I think they’re beginning to take it in

HELEN
I’ve been pushing that boulder up the hill by myself for so long

we’re so lucky to have you here

MAYA
I feel lucky to be here

Lights.

5.4.22 56
9.
SCREENING INTERVIEW #4

The Conference room.

Projected, we see BRAD (40s, played by BEX). He is mid-interview, giving his schpeil about himself.

BRAD
people are always like
how the fuck did you do it?
how’d you grow this company from a
from a nothing
I literally had $47 in my bank account
and we used that $47 to photocopy the poster that one of our actors drew
and posted it in telephone poles all over town
and then we got people coming to our shows
and then got a space
and then we got
then we had a staff
then we got a building
and then we got two theaters
and we went from a nothing to a something to a
like okay
we’re like
an institution
which to me
is just
when there are people working for you whose names you can’t even remember
who are dependent on you for their health insurance
and sure
maybe I’m an asshole for not learning their names
but a lot of these people
you know
they’re a year out of college and they get a job for $26,000 a year as a marketing assistant
they don’t know what they want to do with their lives
their gone in a year, tops
so I’m sorry
but if you’re not gonna be here at least a year I’m not gonna bother to learn your name
and maybe that makes me an asshole
but I’ve got big fucking Cognitive Load okay?

Lights begin to rise on the conference room, as we see the hiring committee, same
as the previous interview scene.

there’s two hundred donors who gives us more than five thousand dollars a year
and you better believe I need to know each and every one of their names
I see them in the lobby and I don’t recognize them?
next year’s donation is five hundred

5.4.22 57
and that’s two months of Jane Doe Marketing Assistant’s salary
so yeah
I’m sorry
I wish I didn’t
but I have to prioritize
okay?
especially as I get older

DAVE
and Brad would you mind sharing with us your unique philosophy on DEI work

BRAD
what do you mean?

DAVE
sorry
Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion

BRAD
right right sorry
we say
JEDI
Justice, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion
cause’s all about the dark side of the force versus the light side of the force, right?
(he slices through the air with an imaginary light saber, while making a sound effect)

So yeah
my approach is:
we do it 100%

VERONICA
(like this is revelatory)
hmmmmm

MAYA
so can I ask you clarify a little
what would that mean in terms of say
in terms programming or

BRAD
here’s the way I look at it
I’m a 48 year old straight white guy from the suburbs
I’ve seen a lot of privilege up close
so it’s like
you remember when Trump ran in 2016
he kept saying how he’d been bribing politicians for years
he knew how corrupt the whole system was
so that’s why he alone could fix it?

5.4.22 58
so that’s like me
with privilege
with systemic racism
the whole deal

VERONICA
but he didn’t stop the corruption
he was the Most Corrupt President ever!

SIMONE
he probably would have stopped it
If not for the four-year witch hunt

CLAUDIA
Turn off the goddam Fox News Simone!

BILL
we don’t talk politics here!

VERONICA
Sorry

BRAD
here’s the thing:
I been spending a lot of time in rooms talking to people like you all
and every one of those rooms I’ve been in
full of great people
but these boards
if someone is pushing things that are new and different to them
like if I proposed a season of brand new plays all by queer immigrant writers
which I could do man
easily
I gotta stack of plays like you wouldn’t believe
so that kind of a pitch
they’re gonna be WAY more receptive to hearing that from someone who looks like me
that isn’t fair
that’s just a fact
and I’m results oriented
so

DAVE
okay Brad
before we let you go
do you have any questions for us?

BRAD
nah, I’m good

5.4.22 59
but if you wanna talk anymore
just hit me up

BRAD’s video disappears.

DAVE
okay!
so
first I just apologize again for Dan’s absence

I guess that’s the thing about appendixes

you never know when they’re gonna explode!

now I’d love to just popcorn some initial responses to Brad

SIMONE
I liked him a great deal

VERONICA
me too

BILL
Yup yup yup
best so far
real Straight Shooter

DOLORES
I did not appreciate his language

CLAUDIA
oh really?
I found it refreshing

DAVE
so let me pop in here and be honest with you all and say that
Brad is a very Hot Prospect
and without revealing any confidences
I will share that there is Very Strong interest from a Big Time New York theater
so
I’m just not sure he’s actually available at all

but I wanted you to meet him

more just for level-setting
and
as a way to
so we could begin to talk a little more expansively
about your ideal vision of a candidate

5.4.22 60
 so what I’d suggest you do is
take whatever thoughts and feelings you have about Brad
roll ‘em into a ball
put it under your pillow
sleep on it
and we’ll all come back tomorrow refreshed

sound good?

Lights.

5.4.22 61
10.
The Box Office.

ARIANA
yes that’s right
no late seating means no late seating

it’s cause actors are making
entrances through the house so
it might be dangerous
you might crash into an actor
I’m sorry I don’t make the rules
It does often start five minutes
late but we still recommend you
get here on time
BEX
no that would make me
anxious too CAROLINA
well it’s sort of like a
sequel to Pride and Prejudice
but at Christmas?
I would definitely get it
checked out no no
Jane Austen didn’t write it
Isn’t it if the mole has changes
in color or shape that’s when
they worry no I’m sure, she’s dead
you can’t text a photo to this
line, but also I’m not really an
expert? I think maybe you’re thinking
of Downton Abbey?
Well if it’s bad news can we
absolutely exchange those
tickets

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
Of Course Nobody Really Tells Us Anything
But Word On The Street Is
Things Are Going Very Well
And They Have Identified Some Wonderful And Diverse Candidates

Who Wouldn’t Want To Be Artistic Director

Is My Question

They hang up.

ARIANA
I heard Ben Affleck might be interested

CAROLINA

5.4.22 62
really?

ARIANA
he wants to Get Back To His Roots

CAROLINA
but is theater his roots?

ARIANA
I don’t know

didn’t he do something on Broadway last year?

CAROLINA
did he?

ARIANA
yeah I think it was
wasn’t he
didn’t he and Matt Damon do True West?

BEX
I don’t think so
I think you’re making that up

ARIANA
oh no
actually yeah

you know what?

I think that was a dream I had

CAROLINA
oh

ARIANA
because now that I think of it
I was in it

I played the

CAROLINA
were you Matt Damon’s Mom?

ARIANA
no I was like
their sister
like their Weird Sister

5.4.22 63
I think I put some gruesome curse on them
but they deserved it

CAROLINA
I mean you know
if he was interested
he could probably get like
all his famous friends to donate
and be in shows
and

it could be a really good thing actually

ARIANA
yeah

maybe they’d have the money

to like
pay us more than minimum wage

CAROLINA
or give us health insurance

BEX
but I mean
I don’t even know why they’re interviewing other people
they should just hire Maya
she’s obviously the best candidate
and like
such an inspiring leader

CAROLINA
honestly though anybody would be better than Gary right?

BEX
yeah

did you ever talk to him

to Gary?

CAROLINA
like one on one?

BEX
yeah

5.4.22 64
CAROLINA
no

BEX
me neither

ARIANA
I did

CAROLINA
was he like

was he creepy?

ARIANA
um no?

oh uh
yes

but not like in a skeezy way

more like in a

BEX
like how?

ARIANA
like a
Scary Stories Around The Campfire way?

CAROLINA
like?

ARIANA
well like

this is when I was

I was the stage management intern on Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike?

CAROLINA
was that a good show?

ARIANA
no

I mean sort of?

it was funny?

5.4.22 65
BEX
well that actor was hilarious

ARIANA
ohmygod he was so good

BEX
but like
if somebody else had played it

ARIANA
no right
exactly

so but

I was the last one in the theater and I’m like

putting the ghostlight out on stage
and I turn it on and

like it was pitch black cause I’d already turned off the work lights
and I was using my phone as a flashlight
and I turned on the ghost light
and Gary was sitting in the house

CAROLINA
like in the front row?

ARIANA
no
maybe like
5th row
center

BEX
that’s a good seat

ARIANA
yeah
I’m not sure how got there without me hearing him
or like
how long he’d been there

he wasn’t directing it and he hadn’t been at rehearsal

I couldn’t really
it was dimly lit

5.4.22 66
so I couldn’t really make out his face

I actually
I didn't know who it was until I heard his voice

and he said

Elsewhere on stage, GARY appears (played by DAVE).

He’s dimly lit and we can’t make out his face.

GARY
Ariana?

ARIANA
and I didn’t know he even knew my name and I was like

uh
yes?

GARY
is there anything you feel in your training
abbreviated though it may have been
that was absent?

ARIANA
no
it’s been
it’s been great

GARY
glad to hear it

then I need to ask

are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?

ARIANA
no um
I don’t think so?

GARY
you can think of it like a pyramid
at the base you have your biological needs
food
air
warmth
carnal desire

5.4.22 67
then you have your needs of safety
laws, order, stability

then our need to be loved, to belong

then there’s status achievement
up through self-actualization

do you see?

ARIANA
yeah that…
makes sense

GARY
so when we have a rule
when we say
Don’t Turn Off The Work Lights Until The Ghost Light Is Turned On
this is about on the one hand
about order
but also in the most basic sense
about physical needs
about staying alive

and if you take away that base layer

it all comes crashing down
does it not?

ARIANA
yeah I can
I can see that
I understand

GARY
excellent
if there’s anything you don’t
always better to ask

ARIANA
and then he got up and left

Light out on GARY.

though as he was walking through the row he like

I think he like banged his shin on one of the seats because he let out this like

GARY
(in Black)
OW! FUUUCK!

5.4.22 68
ARIANA
and I was like
are you okay

and I ran backstage and turned on the worklights

but he was gone

CAROLINA
weird

The phones start ringing.

BEX
yeah
and I mean
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is such patriarchal bullshit anyway

Bex answers.

BEX
City Repertory Box Office
how can I help you?

Lights.

5.4.22 69
11.
SCREENING INTERVIEW #7

The Conference room.

Projected, we see JACQUELINE (50s, played by Ariana).

JACQUELINE
I stayed on at Stanford for a masters in marketing emergent technologies
worked with Sergey and Brin at Google for a bit
helping them get it off the ground
and now
I’ve mostly been doing a lot of Angel Investing

a company of mine is about to do an IPO next week

Lights begin to rise on the conference room.

DOLORES
I’m sorry
I’m not sure I’m following

David, is she interested in joining the board?

DAVE
oh no no no
she’s a candidate

DOLORES
oh

do you
do you have a background in theater?

JACQUELINE
no
not at all

SIMONE
interesting

JACQUELINE
but I’m always looking for a new challenge

the way I see it is

you spend all this time training to climb a mountain
you put in hours at the climbing wall

5.4.22 70
hire the best Sherpa
pack your gear
and once you’re at the top
well now you’ve climbed that mountain

and sure there are people who say

okay
I’ve climbed Everest
but there are seven more peaks to go
and that’s fine if that suits you
for me
I say
okay
I’ve scaled one of the world’s tallest peaks
What’s Next
maybe I want to learn to make my own pasta
and apprentice for three years with a master chef in Tuscany
or
maybe I start an NGO that uses cell phone technology to bring health care information
to the most remote regions of Africa
but now
I’ve checked both those boxes
and I’m saying to myself
What’s Next
and I think
maybe
just maybe
it’s being an Artistic Director

A pause.

VERONICA
Well
Jacqueline

I’m just gonna go ahead and say what we’re all

thinking

JACQUELINE
I’d expect nothing less

VERONICA
if we hire you
would you make us pasta?

JACQUELINE
(with flourish-y gesture and perfect Italian accent)
sarebbe una delizia!

5.4.22 71
It would be delight

They all laugh, except Maya.

MAYA
I wonder
I know we don’t have a lot of time

but um
could you just talk a little about uh

just so we can get a sense of your taste

some playwrights or directors whose work excites you
or

JACQUELINE
no

MAYA
I’m sorry?

JACQUELINE
I can’t answer that question

MAYA
I didn’t mean to put you on the spot

even just more generally maybe

some plays you’ve seen recently that you really connected with

JACQUELINE
oh no no no
I’m sorry
I can’t answer your question because
I don’t go to the theater
I have been to theater
I saw Hamilton
but
what interests me is more the institutional challenge
to see if I can build a better mousetrap
to see if I can succeed where so many others have failed
and make this broken model work

BILL
we sure could some Fresh Eyes

JACQUELINE

5.4.22 72
and that’s all I’m offering
look I’m not a genius
I’m not special
what I am
is a person who has seen the inside of many many organizations
and who’s able to see the culture from the outside
in a way that others can’t

and you don’t need me to tell you

What You’re Doing Isn’t Working

I’ve seen your financials

you’re losing subscribers year after year
and not nearly making up for it in single tickets
you mess around with raising ticket prices
but now you’re Robbing Peter to Pay Paul

you keep going the way you are

I don’t know if you’ll have a theater in five years
you certainly won’t in ten

SIMONE
I have to say
you’re not wrong

JACQUELINE
I never am
and you know why?
because I always begin the same way:
Asking Basic Questions

why do we do what we do?

why do we do it the way we do it?
and at each phase
does it have to be done that way?

does it really?
or do you just feel like it does?

DAVE
well I think I speak for all us when I say
thank you
Jacqueline
for making the time

JACQUELINE
my pleasure
look forward to hearing from you soon

5.4.22 73
and Dave
you can just go ahead and send the offer directly to my attorney

ta ta!

The Jacqueline video goes out.

DAVE
All right gang
if we can just circle the wagons here for one sec

I’d like you all to just take a deep breath

and give yourself a pat on the back
to acknowledge the incredible work you’ve done so far

The video screen lights up again. But it’s not Jacqueline.

There’s no person, but we see a desk and a bookshelf behind it.

we’re about to enter that hard middle passage

where your task will be
to narrow these seven candidates down to three
the three finalists who you will invite out for final in-person interviews

VERONICA
(referring to the window)
sorry Dave
who’s that?

SIMONE
what?

VERONICA
that other window
is that Dan?

DAVE
no no
Dan’s in surgery today
he’s having an minor trepanation
but should be back on his feet in no time

SIMONE
Please give him our best

DAVE
Will do

Dave fiddles with the mouse and keyboard, trying to close the window.

5.4.22 74
MAYA
is that
isn’t trepanation where they drill a hole in your head?

VERONICA
that’s a lobotomy

MAYA
I think it’s the same
I worked on a play about this

BILL
I had an uncle who was lobotomized

CLAUDIA
jesus
that’s horrifying

BILL
nah
was the best thing for him really

without it
he probably woulda offed himself
ten, twenty years earlier than he did

SIMONE
that bookcase on the screen looks very familiar

DOLORES
that’s
that’s Gary’s bookcase

MAYA
oh my god you’re right
that’s Gary’s living room

CLAUDIA
what?

Sounds from the empty zoom window, like ice cubes clinking into a glass.

BILL
oh yes
it is

Gary?

5.4.22 75
Gary? Are you here?

Dave is clicking on the mouse, types on the keyboard.

MAYA
Dave can’t you just close the window

DAVE
I’m trying
it’s not letting me

DOLORES
he should not be here
Gary?

Gary?

BILL
Gary we can talk man to man
you don’t need to do this

VERONICA
I thought Gary had moved to Costa Rica

SIMONE
that’s what I heard

DOLORES
Gary
are you there?

Dave finally pulls a bunch of cables apart, which cuts out the feed.

An odd moment.

DAVE
tell you what gang
maybe this is a sign
let’s all just take a beat
collect ourselves
and we’ll plan to reconnoiter back a little bit later so we can decide how to move forward

Sound kosher?

Lights.

Intermission.

5.4.22 76
12.
Maya and Helen, celebrating at a bar.

MAYA
it was actually extremely awkward

Dolores just kept saying

every person we discussed
No
No
No

so they had agreed on

everybody else got excited about
Bill’s absolutely lunatic choice
the Venture Capitalist woman

HELEN
oh my god

MAYA
I know

and then there was sort of consensus around the Romanian

HELEN
I heard he’s very impressive

MAYA
he has a certain
gravitas

I mean
totally wrong for this theater but

HELEN
right

MAYA
and Dolores was just exhausting everyone
with No No No No

until finally
you could see
the meeting was reaching that place where people were thinking
oh my god is this ever going to end

and then she

5.4.22 77
it was like some kind of magic trick
like mind control
she didn’t even say it
she had just exhausted everyone
and then finally it was Veronica who was like

well if we need a third option

what about Maya

and then Dolores said

she said
oh I’m sure she’s not interested

HELEN
oh my god
what did you say

MAYA
just

wow I’m so flattered and

I hadn’t really thought about it at all but
that I would be
Open To The Conversation

HELEN
how open-minded of you!

MAYA
right?

HELEN
so what we need to do now is just
to build up a sense in the community
from all our stakeholders
the staff
the donors
that you’re here
that the theater has sort of
already
unofficially
transitioned into its new phase
with you and I together at the helm

MAYA
that makes sense

HELEN

5.4.22 78
one thing I was thinking was
what might be great

I floated this idea with Bill

and he was sort of non-committal
so I’m just gonna go ahead and do it

of having each of the candidates meet with staff from every department
they can fill out an anonymous google form or something
and we’ll take that feedback and give it to the board

MAYA
that’s a great idea

HELEN
and then it’ll just be

I imagine it’ll be overwhelming

that you are who the staff would prefer
and
I just think
after Gary
it’s gonna be hard for them to justify going against the person who the whole staff wants

MAYA
assuming I’m that person

HELEN
I don’t think they’ll be any question about that

MAYA
plus I have the advantage of having done all these one on one conversations

HELEN
that’s so great

MAYA
and one thing that’s really crystalizing for me is
this next phase needs to be all about putting people first

HELEN
right

MAYA
sustainability

HELEN

5.4.22 79
a hundred percent

MAYA
everyone’s burnt out
overwhelmed
underpaid

HELEN
it’s true

MAYA
we’re just
we’re doing too much
so what we have to do is
and this’ll be part of my pitch to the board
we have to find a way to get off the hamster wheel

HELEN
agreed
we need to stabilize the budget
rather than always chasing after last year’s deficit

MAYA
that’s it
exactly
we should be doing less
but doing it well
doing it in a healthy way

HELEN
as in…?

MAYA
like maybe we do five shows next season instead of eight
or even four
but that each of those four are ones we truly believe in
ones that will have an impact
that have the support they need

HELEN
and then what?
the theaters would just sit empty for half the year?

MAYA
no no no
that’d be such a waste of assets

HELEN

5.4.22 80
okay

MAYA
we’d offer them up to the community for free
or at cost
make this place a true resource for our [community]

HELEN
uh huh

but then how would we

how do we make up for the loss of revenue?
we still have to pay our staff

MAYA
probably part of getting sustainable means the staff gets smaller
but that smaller staff is
paid better
supported more fully

HELEN
you want to lay people off?

MAYA
no no
God no

I don’t want to
but it’s like you said
we can’t be afraid of making hard choices

HELEN
I just
I'd also be really concerned about how our donors
our funders would would [react]

MAYA
we’d need to make the case to them for what we’re doing
but I think
I think the way the conversation in the field is shifting
I think they’ll be ready to listen

cause if part of what we’re trying to reckon with is that

Gary exploited people
and we’re putting an end to that
then we’re also obligated to look with a wider lens
at the way the institution as a whole has been exploiting our staff
exploiting our artists

5.4.22 81
and and
not just trying to prop up this broken model
we’re giving ourselves the runway
the space
to make something new
bring in new audiences

maybe we don’t need to a Tom Stoppard play every season to get subscribers to re-up
I know Gary thought that
but do we have any like
Actual Evidence that it’s true?

HELEN
…right

of course
the other approach would be
rather than thinking about getting sustainable by uh

by reducing the budget

we could also get there by
expanding the revenue side

MAYA
it’s two sides of the same coin

HELEN
no completely

I just wonder if
rather than giving up
telling our staff
some people who’ve dedicated years to this institution
rather saying
we just can’t do it
not to mention the artists
how many fewer artists would we be supporting in a season with only four shows
that’s a lot of good contracts that would just

or
we think about other ways

like of course it’s true

there’s just never going to be enough revenue
unless we find ways to create some good passive income

MAYA

5.4.22 82
from?

HELEN
you know I was telling you I started having conversations with some commercial producers
who have projects that come with a lot enhancement money

MAYA
oh but that’s

you know what happens when theaters do that

it’s like
the point is to get off the hamster wheel
no like
jump on a bigger, faster more heartless wheel

HELEN
but also I think part of it can be
like you said
we need to appeal to wider audience
people who don't normally go to theater
people for whom
it’s not even on their radar

MAYA
uh huh

HELEN
most people couldn’t name a playwright if you held a gun to their head
maybe Shakespeare

but you know what they do know?

Friends

MAYA
Friends?

HELEN
the tv show
it was number 1 on Netflix for three years
so you have the people who saw it when was first out
and then this whole new generation

MAYA
…uh huh

HELEN

5.4.22 83
and they all know that theme song

MAYA
wait
what are we talking about

HELEN
the musical I was telling you about
it’s built around tv show theme songs
but it handles it so brilliantly
acknowledging the fundamental cheesiness of a lot of the source material
while also mining the deep emotional connection that so many people have to these shows

MAYA
that sounds
frankly
insane
who’s doing this show?

HELEN
we are
or we could
they lost their theater and are looking for a

it would go a long way to patching the hole in the budget

and if does well on Broadway and touring

that could be a real
a long term

it could pay for

the more experimental
like Nadia’s play

but more than that

it would really put us on the map
as a

a theater that other producers would want to come to

MAYA
but talk about like
a deal with the devil
you know what happens to theaters that start doing that
you take in all this extra money
and then its
the next year it’s hard to go back to what you had before
so you need to look for another commercial production

5.4.22 84
and then your audience starts expecting these Broadway-caliber shows every year in your season
and like
at that point

if you’re just basically there to be the handmaiden of Broadway investors

why are you are non-profit theater
like
what are we even doing anymore?

HELEN
I think what you’re doing is
your creating opportunities
well-paying opportunities for artists
and keeping your staff employed
and
you’re keeping your theater alive

rather than just like

patting yourself on the back
while it all burns down

A moment.

MAYA
wow

it seems like we’re in really different places here

HELEN
yeah

seems like we are

Another moment.

MAYA
but I’m

I’m glad we can have this conversation so openly

HELEN
oh me too

MAYA
not like with Gary

HELEN

5.4.22 85
I know

MAYA
for a guy who loved to scream at people he sure was scared of conflict

HELEN
terrified of it

MAYA
this feels really different

HELEN
so different

MAYA
I really appreciate your honesty here

HELEN
me too
I think the important thing is that we
that we just keep the channel open

MAYA
absolutely

HELEN
this has been really great

MAYA
so great

Lights.

5.4.22 86
13. THE BOX OFFICE.

Maya sits with Bex, Ariana and Carolina.

MAYA
it’s gonna take a couple seasons
it’s a big ship to turn
and we want to educate the audience
make sure we’re bringing them along with us

but what I’m not interested in doing

and this is how I said it to the committee
is polishing the marble on a Temple of White Supremacy
and some people might not be on board with that
and if that’s the case
then
they’ll be welcome to find a home somewhere else that may be a better fit

we’re a non-profit institution

which means we have an obligation
a legal obligation
to serve the public
not to serve the board
not to serve the donors
and I’m sorry, I love them, but not to serve the artists either
but to serve the public
all of it

BEX
no right

MAYA
and it has to be holistic
as in

I mean
weren’t some of you interns here?

Ariana and Bex both raise their hand.

MAYA
right so
I was an intern here too
and I lived off ramen noodles and credit card debt that I’m still paying off

so to just
to expect

5.4.22 87
that people can work for free for a year
in exchange for crappy housing and fifty dollars a week?
who are the kind of people who can afford to do that
either people from immense privilege
or people who we are asking to burden themselves in a deeply unjust way

and
oh my god I’m sorry
I’m just going on and on
and I know we’re almost past time

but please
I would love to hear
really
not just your questions but
your ideas
anything

BEX raises their hand.

BEX
I really hope you get this job

MAYA
oh
thank you
um
me too

CAROLINA
you would be so great

MAYA
thanks

Maya waits to see if there are any questions. Then:

MAYA
okay well
I’m so sorry for rushing off
but they’ve stacked these meetings one on top of the other

Maya gathers here things to go.

oh and if you get a chance please do fill out that google form with feedback
believe it or not
I think the board really is interested in what you have to say

5.4.22 88
 Bex raises their hand.

BEX
oh um Maya?

I’m sure you’re like

crazy busy with with
all of this but um
I wondered if you were gonna be able to um
to do that letter?
cause it’s due in like two weeks
I mean I understand if you’re too
too [busy]

MAYA
oh um
sorry uh
what
letter?

BEX
the recommendation
for grad school?

MAYA
oh
oh
I’m completely upside down
it’s been a WHIRLWIND
I apologize

BEX
no yeah

MAYA
can you just
will you remind what your name is?

A heartbreaking but tiny moment.

BEX
Bex

Rodgers?

MAYA
uhhhhhh

5.4.22 89
BEX
I was your assistant on the Lillian Hellman?

MAYA
you worked on Little Foxes?

BEX
no um
Children’s Hour

An excruciatingly long (for Bex) moment.

MAYA
oh
oooooh!
ohmygod Bex yeah!

SO great to see you!

I am so sorry I am like fried

and it was just
Out Of Context

BEX
no no yeah

MAYA
oh I’m so embarrassed

yes of course I will write you a letter

I would love to
whatever you need

BEX
oh wow great thank you

MAYA
and we should
as soon as things are less crazy
we should catch up

BEX
I’d love that

MAYA
or actually
you know what would be better is

5.4.22 90
why don’t you just go ahead and write the letter yourself and send it to me
and I can put a polish on it

BEX
Uh…sure

MAYA
just so we can make sure I’m pitching you in the right way.

BEX
okay

MAYA
so sorry I have to run
great to see you all!

Maya exits. A moment.

CAROLINA
are you okay?

BEX
yeah
yeah
totally

CAROLINA
I think she just like
just had like
a brain fart

BEX
right

ARIANA
she totally remembered you

CAROLINA
yeah oh
absolutely

Lights.

5.4.22 91
14.
HELEN and THE ROMANIAN sit in the theater lobby.

HELEN
And how’s your visit been so far
have you gotten to see much of the city?

THE ROMANIAN
ah
good
yes

The er
Bill
he
took me to his
a
Secret Cigar Club
used a special knock

HELEN
oh yes
he loves to take people there
he takes everyone there

THE ROMANIAN
he said club had been there since
your prohibition

HELEN
that’s what they say

THE ROMANIAN
I did not like it

it stinks of uh
uh
uh
what is the word

HELEN
Smoke?

THE ROMANIAN
(searching for the word)
aristocracy

HELEN

5.4.22 92
oh yeah
sure

THE ROMANIAN
not very American

you like to go this place?

HELEN
I’ve actually
I’ve never been

THE ROMANIAN
well
you Not Miss Much

HELEN
so do you have uh
any questions for me
or

what can I tell you?

where would you like to start

you uh

they’ve provided you with the financials right?

so

THE ROMANIAN
oh yes
I no read it

HELEN
oh
uh
you’ve been
of course
you’ve been slammed
preparing or

THE ROMANIAN
I am like uh
dyslectic?
but for numbers?

you give me sheet of numbers I just

I can not see them

5.4.22 93
HELEN
oh oh
okay
sure

would you like me to

walk you through it or

THE ROMANIAN
no no no

what is best
if I take this
position

the way I like to do

is

I
make the art
You
do the numbers

each of us is
Lord Of Our Castle
yes?

HELEN
okay
um

I’ll just be honest

I don’t know if I understand how that would work

I’m not sure how you can even begin to put together a season without
you know
budgetary projections
cast size and
revenue and

THE ROMANIAN
ah ah
okay yes
so

here

5.4.22 94
I have been Artistic Director of State Theater of Romania
we have government pay for anything we wanted
sometimes
more than we want
we had
at one time

two people
whose job it was to open doors
for Not Important People

and one person who’s job was

Open Door for Party Officials
who rarely attend

But
He is always at the ready

And This
Door Opener for Party Officials
is hardest job in the theater
because
is very important they is always
Maintaining Dignity
so

if you are door opener

you cannot open door too quickly
and make it seem like Party Officials walk too slow
BUT
you also cannot open too door slowly
and make Party Official have to wait on you
you make mistake
consequence is severe

and we have other job like it

you want prop
maybe you need a telephone
you have person whose whole job is make telephone props

so
I make theater in place like this
I also
other times
make theater in the forest
sometimes we do basements but that could be dangerous
if they find you
everyone is trapped

5.4.22 95
in forest at least
if they come
everyone run in different direction
many will get away

but
we still want be cautious
so no props
no costume
of course no sound
for lighting in forest
we use only one candle
and if candle blows out
the actors pause while it is relit
if is windy night?
maybe you only play scene for two, three lines
before candle out

but everyone wait

patiently
rapturously
to watch play
three lines at a time

you see?

HELEN
wow
that’s uh
that's incredible

THE ROMANIAN
is same thing
here
us

HELEN
but we do need to
we have to work off a budget

THE ROMANIAN
biggest problem of American Theater is
you think always more money equals better art
that
art made with pennies is amateur
art made with Broadway is top professional art

5.4.22 96
I did Broadway show
I don’t know how a person can think
these producers pushing pushing pushing
these marketing people
the critics feasting
how can intelligent person think
this is environment to make country’s best art?

never in all human history has it been true that

more money make better art

so the way you and I approach is

first
we make art

how much money we have for it

is

whatever we need?

okay?

HELEN
ummm

THE ROMANIAN
each of us is Master of our Domain

you are the Numbers Magician

you do your tricks and

the pleasure is the
ah ha!
how did she do that?

I do not want you show me how the trick is done

it saps all of the joy, yes?

HELEN
…right

one other question

how do you feel about jukebox musicals?

5.4.22 97
THE ROMANIAN
(with sudden intensity)
how can you ask me this question?

HELEN
I’m sorry

I know it’s typically the kind of work we’ve done here but

THE ROMANIAN
look this you must understand
when I in Romania
I make theater for Romanians

In American
I make theater for Americans

and is no more American theater than the

Juke
Box
Musical

(singing, from JERSEY BOYS)

Sheeerryyyyy
Sherry-Baby
Won’t you come out tonight!

it gets me here every time

you know?

HELEN
yes
I think I do

Lights.

5.4.22 98
15.
A cigar club.

In a dark wood-paneled room, BILL and MAYA puff on cigars.

BILL
now this was actually the same kind they tried to kill Castro with
his favorite

MAYA
they poisoned it?

BILL
it was supposed to explode when he lit it
but

not everything works out as you plan

MAYA
how does this place even exist?
isn’t it illegal to smoke inside?

BILL
when the state wrote that law
they got a special carve out for this place
anything is possible when you know the right people

MAYA
apparently

BILL
so
seems like you’re the one

MAYA
I’m sorry?

BILL
we still have go through the steps
do the dance
but

and just to lay my cards on the table

at the outset
I wanted Jacqueline
I thought she could really bring some Fresh Ideas

but she felt like the fact we were asking her to come out and do a second-round interview

5.4.22 99
rather than offering her the job outright
demonstrated a Lack Of Imagination on our part
and she took herself outta the running

MAYA
oh I wasn’t aware

BILL
and the Ukrainian fella woulda been great too I think
but

MAYA
isn’t he Romanian?

BILL
but seem like the staff all wants you
and given where the atmosphere was with Gary
we feel it’s important the staff is on board
so

might as well say

unofficially
congratulations!

MAYA
wow
okay

BILL
but I want you to know
it’s not just that
it’s
what you had to say
your vision
it really
it affected me
down deep

I admit it took me a beat for it sink in

but then I was
I was walkin through our lobby
lookin at that wall of production photos from the early years
and darn it
there it was
three solid decades where just about every face on that wall is white
till we start doin’ those August Wilson plays in the 90s
I walked by the wall a million times and never noticed

5.4.22 100
and you know what
that’s embarrassing
extremely embarrassing
I’ll understand if you’ll want to take ‘em all down
once you get the keys to the kingdom

MAYA
no no of course not
that’s the theater’s legacy
and I think
I think it’s important that we acknowledge that
if we don't look in a clear-eyed and honest way about where we’ve been
how are we gonna be able to see clearly where we want to go?

BILL
yup yup yup
that’s it right there
that’s the kind of Fresh Thinking we need

also
between you and me I hate Tom Stoppard
so once you said we’re never going to do Tom Stoppard again I thought
okay, she’s got my vote

MAYA
I didn’t say never I just said
maybe not every season

BILL
also feels good havin’ somebody here who already knows the lay of the land
imagine there’s gonna be some fast moving pieces working with these Broadway producers

MAYA
sorry
who?

BILL
we should get that announced ASAP I think
get some pre-sales going

MAYA
…right

BILL
I think folks are gonna be excited about it

Helen sent me that Demo

5.4.22 101
(singing)
Ya take the good you take the bad
ya take ‘em both and there ya have
The Facts of Life

it’s good
real good

MAYA
right right

I know Helen had uh

floated that as a possibility

BILL
nope nope nope
she already signed those contracts
I had dinner with some these commercials producers in New York last week

they think this is gonna be BIG

MAYA
I see

BILL
gotta give Helen credit
she saw a good thing
and she grabbed it

MAYA
…right

BILL
you two are gonna be a heckuva team

MAYA
you think so?

BILL
absolutely

A moment.
MAYA
Can I be honest with you Bill?

BILL
always

5.4.22 102
MAYA
you know
Helen is great
I have so much respect for her

And she is very committed

but I wonder
all those years working with Gary
I think it’s really tough for her to see any other way that this place could be and and

it’s like
it’s like
Moses

he led the people through the desert

but that was as far as he could take them
he wasn’t able to enter the promised land

do you know what I mean?

BILL
Uh huh

MAYA
and if the board feels like they’re ready to stand behind my vision

BILL
we are

MAYA
then I think I maybe it might best for everybody if

BILL
you want us to fire Helen?

MAYA
no no no
but perhaps there’s a way we can
we can
show our appreciation for all she’s contributed
and find ways to ease her transition into
into whatever’s next for her

BILL
well

5.4.22 103
if that’s how you feel
then it’s like I always used to Gary
you’re the boss

Lights.

5.4.22 104
15.
Helen and Dolores, at the fancy restaurant. They drink champagne.

DOLORES
cheers then darling

They toast.

HELEN
yes cheers

DOLORES
to everything working out as planned

HELEN
well let’s not count our chickens

DOLORES
my doctor says I shouldn’t drink anymore
but he also said I’d be dead a year ago
so I don’t give what he has to say too much mind

HELEN
yes how are
how are you feeling?

DOLORES
quite well
for a person whose body I’m told
is being held together by toothpicks and ducttape

though I am sorry my little sojourn in the hospital

meant I had to miss Maya’s presentation to the board

HELEN
I hear it was very
illuminating

DOLORES
they asked if they should postpone till I was out
but I told them
I said
for one thing I might never be out
and for another
I already know what I think of Maya
we don’t need to do all this Kabuki

5.4.22 105
HELEN
well that’s actually
it’s a slightly more complicated picture

DOLORES
oh?

HELEN
so
this is second hand
and
I’m not really supposed to know any of this

but Maya
in her presentation to the board
in talking about some of what she’d envision us doing

I mean
I think we’re all on the same page about the direction we want theater to move in
but I am a little concerned about the pace
she’d like us to move

DOLORES
I don’t know what you mean

HELEN
it’s all well and good to say
we’re going to shift the kind of work we’re doing
appeal to new communities
but
for the people who’ve been coming to this theater
who’ve been loyal subscribers for
in some cases
for decades
and you say
what about them?
what about what they want?
and if the answer is
they can come along or they can go to hell
I just think

DOLORES
did she say that
go to hell?

HELEN
no no

5.4.22 106
not those words exactly
but I think was
the sentiment of

DOLORES
this is very disturbing

HELEN
I think her heart is in the right place
and I think
if we were in a more stable financial position
but I think
what I’m starting to put together is
all those years working under Gary
all those years pushing him to do newer work
more experimental
work by different kinds of writers
and I think maybe there’s some frustration that built up
some trauma
and
I’m just a little concerned that she’ll be using the theater to enact some kind of revenge
by programming only things Gary would hate

I don’t think this is conscious

I don’t think it’s intentional

DOLORES
she’s never mentioned any of this to me
she cares about the art
the artists

HELEN
she does
she does
she absolutely does

but I think
we have an obligation to our audience
those long-time stakeholders
it’s not just financial
though that’s part of it
but to say
we’ll never be doing any more 20th century classics
no more Chekov
no more Arthur Miller
no more Tom Stoppard

DOLORES

5.4.22 107
what?

HELEN
she said we’re not doing anymore Tom Stoppard

DOLORES
but we are the premiere regional theater in this country for his work
we’ve done every one of his plays

HELEN
I know

DOLORES
and he has a new one in London this year
his last I hear
we must do it next season

HELEN
I’m afraid with Maya
we won’t be doing it at all

DOLORES starts breathing heavily.

DOLORES
that’s
that’s unacceptable

DOLORES begins to hyperventilate.

this is not at all we wanted

the whole point of bringing on her on was to
Continue

The Legacy

Of The Theater

HELEN
that’s what I thought too
but

Dolores
Are you okay?

DOLORES
this

will

5.4.22 108
not

stand

Dolores collapses.

HELEN
Dolores?

Dolores?

oh my god

(calling out)
someone call 9/11!

Helen goes over to Dolores to see if she’s okay

Suddenly, Dolores’s head POPS up.

DOLORES
don't worry darling
I’m alright

HELEN
oh thank god

DOLORES
(feeling her own pulse)
on second thought

better call the hospital

tell them to prepare my usual suite

Lights.

5.4.22 109
16.
The Theater Lobby. The photos on the wall are covered in black shrouds.

MAYA, dressed in funereal black, sits answering emails on her phone.

After a beat (or however long it takes for the quick-change), HELEN enters, also in black.

HELEN
hey

MAYA
hi Helen
how are you?

HELEN
good good
hangin’ in there

it was a lovely service

MAYA
it was

and you know

Dolores and I weren’t close but
I had so much respect for
not just what she did for the theater but how she was

she was always really her own person, you know?

HELEN
she marched to the beat of her own drummer

MAYA
exactly

HELEN
so
Bill said there was something you wanted to talk to me about?

MAYA
oh
yes
but
we don’t have to do it today

it can wait till Monday

5.4.22 110
HELEN
no no it’s fine
let’s keep the channel open, right

MAYA
I just think
this isn’t really the time or the place to

HELEN
we’ll we don’t want to don’t find ourselves doing that Gary of thing of like
I have something Very Important to discuss with you
Next Week
and then you’re just carrying this ball of anxiety around with you all weekend

MAYA
yeah no
we don’t

HELEN
we’re Changing The Culture
right?

MAYA
no yeah

you’re right

okay

Maya takes a beat, she wasn’t quite prepared to do this right now, but decides to go for it.
well
first
let me start by saying that
your contribution to the life of this theater it’s been
it’s beyond measure

without you
we would never have gotten to where we are today
and
I know you just want what you think best for the theater

HELEN
and I know you do too

MAYA
I do

and I think that sometimes means having to make difficult choices

5.4.22 111
HELEN
it does

oh and actually
on that note
there’s a thing the board asked me to share with you

MAYA
…okay

HELEN
which might factor into
so

Helen pulls out her phone.

Sorry just one second

She scrolls through it, finds it.

Ah okay

so I don't know if you’re aware

Dolores left a little something to the theater

MAYA
I know everyone was counting on that

HELEN
right
and
okay here
you can just press play

Helen hands Maya the phone. Maya presses play.

Elsewhere on stage we see Dolores, in a hospital bed. Oxygen tubes in her nose etc.

DOLORES
hello dearies
so here we are

now
when I am gone
this is the thing I want you to know

I loved the theater

5.4.22 112
I have always loved the theater
I like all sorts of plays
as long as it has a story
as long as it is written to be enjoyed

Shakespeare of course
and Shaw
who didn’t always have the best stories
but he had ideas
because that’s what you want
you want to be able to go out to dinner after
if it’s not too late
and talk about the play

or if it’s a fluffy comedy

that’s fine too
you don’t have to debate the ideas
you can just talk about the delightful moments
that’s an enjoyable evening

now
what I don't like
are the plays that I can’t understand
or worse
plays that aren’t meant to be understood
plays whose whole point is to say
You Don’t Get It
because you’re old
and white
and you Don’t Matter
these plays are saying to me
why don’t you just die already
so we can get on with the world

well lucky you

if you’re watching this
that means you’ve gotten your wish

except for one thing

when I am dead
and all my friends are dead

and we don’t include you in our wills

there will be no more theater
not like this
not with actors from New York
and the big-time directors who’ve been on Broadway

5.4.22 113
no no no

because this is the truth

this theater exists for me
to entertain me
and my friends
it wouldn’t exist without us

you get to have wonderful jobs

making plays
you get paid for this
not as much as you would like
not as much as
in a society that valued art
as much as you should be
but
you get paid
you get health insurance
you get a place to go to work each day
where you do something much more fun than nearly anyone else in the world

you get to play in a sandbox

and I know you get ideas in that sandbox
you think
we want to make these plays have a purpose
and good for you!
we’re all on the same team
I’m not a Republican
I care about equality
of course

and there’s a place for that

but
your little utopia of art-making
and god bless it
may it be a sanctuary
but it’s a sanctuary that exists within a capitalist society
you have this sanctuary
because we give you our blessing to allow it
and if we were to take away our blessing
our protection
and you had to face the harsh winds of the world without our walls to buffer you?
you would see
that you live in a marketplace

the thing you are making costs more than you can charge for it
your business model is a failure
so

5.4.22 114
you have an alternative business model
which is to please myself and my friends
and if you fail to do that
then you have failed

you are giving us a thing

this pleasure
and we are giving you a thing
this money
it’s an equal and honorable exchange

but I know sometimes we all need help

sometimes we all need boundaries to keep us on the path
so
I am creating this trust
which will ensure the financial welfare of the theater
on the condition that it continues in the great tradition of its history

that you continue to do the kind of plays you have been doing
and of course
continue to be a home for the great Tom Stoppard

I’m not saying you can’t ever do a new play

lord knows the world needs new things
even the occasional jukebox musical is Fine By Me
but not every play
and certainly not the kind of plays where my friends leave feeling attacked

and if you believe I am taking the wind out of your sails

please know
that it not my intention
I only want to see this theater thrive

there’s no shame in making plays people like

there’s no shame in making plays the people who can pay for them like

you should be proud of the work you do

I am
I am proud of you

Lights out on Dolores. Helen reaches and gingerly takes the phone out of Maya’s hands.

MAYA
and that video
that is…real?

5.4.22 115
HELEN
notarized and everything

MAYA
but not
the board and
Bill
he told me
they’re behind my vision
fully behind it
and that’s not
that’s not
this

HELEN
well that’s the tricky thing about boards of directors
it’s that darn Fiduciary Responsibility

they have an obligation

a legal obligation to see to the welfare of the theater

and I think the feeling is

to turn down money from a trust that would provide up to 20% of the budget annually
that this would be a violation of their Fiduciary Duty
it’s not about what they want
it’s not about what I want

MAYA
okay but
but

Dolores is DEAD
who’s to say if the work I’m programming is
“in the great tradition of the theater’s history”
like
that’s totally subjective!

HELEN
great question

a group has been appointed to administer this trust

they will review any season you propose
and make a determination
as to whether it’s in line with the kind of thing Dolores would have approved of

MAYA
oh my god
FUCK THAT

5.4.22 116
HELEN
and Bill and the board wanted you to know
and I absolutely feel the same way
that if you do decide this isn’t the best fit
we’ll always be your family here
this will always be your home

Lights.

5.4.22 117
17.
The Box Office.

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
I Think It’s Refreshing To Have So Much New Blood In The Building

It’s Only Natural That When There’s A Change In Leadership

People Decide To Move On

We Wish Them The Best In Their Future Endeavors

We Are Proud To Provide An Environment Where People Can Learn And Grow

But We Are Equally Proud When A Bird Leaves The Nest

For A Bigger, Better, Nest

They hang up.

BEX
hey thanks again for doing that letter

CAROLINA
oh yeah no problem

BEX
I know it was super last minute

CAROLINA
I was happy to do it
it was fun
and I actually think like
thinking about it
in some ways it’s probably better to have a letter of rec from a peer
than just some like
Random Director
cause that’s probably like
what everybody else’s letters are

BEX
totally

ARIANA
right someone who can actually speak about you as an artist and a person
and without any like
condescension

5.4.22 118
BEX
yeah
though
I’ve been thinking recently
like

do I even want to do that?

like even if I get into one of the two programs that aren’t gonna like
put me into a life of indentured servitude to student loans
and so like
for what?

so I can maybe work my way up to working at places like this

and like
making work for the people who call us on the phone everyday

like
they’re not bad people
but like
is that who I want to spend my life making work for?

ARIANA
no yeah

BEX
and I was thinking like
if I’m seriously contemplating
borrowing like two hundred thousand dollars in student loans
what if instead I just like
put fifty thousand dollars on my credit cards and started my own theater company

CAROLINA
whoa
that’s like
a big change

BEX
maybe
but you know Annie who works Front of House on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
her sister manages this club downtown
and said like
none of the bands ever come on before ten
and like
if we wanted to put up a show
and we could start at seven and be out by nine
they’d give us the space for free and we could just like

5.4.22 119
split the door

ARIANA
that’s awesome

BEX
yeah
we’d just have to make sure we were only doing plays that were like
75 minutes or less

CAROLINA
I mean
those are pretty much the only plays I want to see anyway

ARIANA
right???

BEX
so do you guys want to do it?

CAROLINA
like
start a theater company?

BEX
yeah but like
not like this place

like not trying to be the kind of thing where the only goal is to just get bigger and bigger

just focused on making art

and work that like
leans into multiplicity
and is a place to explore trauma and is gutsy and inventive
and healing

CAROLINA
I mean
nobody is doing that kind of work around here

BEX
exactly

ARIANA
and like
paying ourselves to do it

5.4.22 120
BEX
for sure
that would be like a priority
as soon as we can

CAROLINA
but I think you’re right
it would be super important that we be clear
that we’re not just trying to like
make ourselves into a mini-version of this place
but like to do something fundamentally different

ARIANA
right
something that works

BEX
right
exactly

CAROLINA
this is so awesome

A phone rings.

ARIANA
City Repertory Box Office
how can I help you?

Lights.

5.4.22 121
18.
The Theater Lobby. It’s set up for an event. White tablecloths over bar top tables etc.

BILL stands with HELEN, they both hold champagne flutes.

BILL
so we’re gonna knock out the whole sidewall
she’s always wanted a real chef’s kitchen
not that she cooks so much

HELEN
(not at all interested, but trying to seem so)
mmmmm

BILL
course the problem is the city says we’re not zoned to build out all the way to the property line
turns out it may end up being easier to just buy the house next door and knock it down

HELEN
that’s great

ARIANA, in a cater-waiter uniform, tuxedo shirt, bowtie etc, comes out holding a
platter of hor d’oerves.

BILL
it’ll be nice for hosting events
once it’s all done

Ariana offers the hor d’oeruves to Bill and Helen.

BILL
has that got cheese in it?
can’t do cheese

On the TURNTABLE, Bill and Ariana begin to rotate off. Helen stays, and is approached by
DAVE, who walks on.

ARIANA
no
these are
just chicken DAVE
Helen!
BILL so lovely to see you
okay I’m in
HELEN
Bill takes one off the plate, Ariana hands him a napkin. you too Dave
He takes a bite. thanks for coming

5.4.22 122
BILL DAVE
mmmm delicious! oh truly my honor
do you make these yourself?
Dave plucks a champagne flute off a tray as Bex rotates
ARIANA by.
No I’m just uh
catering?
Ariana and Bill have now rotated off, or nearly.

DAVE
a lot of times we don’t get invited to these things
often
once we’ve supported you in making the hire
it’s just wham, bam, thank you ma’am
(to Helen)
pardon my French

HELEN
…right

DAVE
so we rarely get to actually see the new Artistic Director
Take The Stage
as it were

HELEN
well this was a probably a bit of a more unusual process

DAVE
I love all my children equally

SIMONE (played by Ariana) enters.

SIMONE
hi all!

I’m so excited
are you all excited?

Bill rotates back on. He got four of the chicken-puffs on a napkin.

HELEN
yes, it’s very exciting

SIMONE
quite the roller coaster there at the end

Bill joins the conversation

5.4.22 123
BILL
I’m just happy we’re able to Turn The Page

Helen and Dave step onto the turntable and begin to rotate off

DAVE SIMONE
and I just want to thank you again for your That looks delicious
professionalism what is that Bill?
and integrity in this whole process
BILL
HELEN you’re gonna want to flag her down
thanks Dave next time she’s walkin’ by
that means a lot
really it’s a puff pastry
but not cheese
I have to say I’m really just chicken
I’m feeling very optimistic about
What Comes Next SIMONE
is it organic
DAVE
that makes day BILL
truly didn’t ask

SIMONE
Because I’m really trying to only eat organic

BILL
wife’s the same way
she nixed our trip to the Galapagos cause the cruise ship didn’t do organic

SIMONE
well it’s never good to deal in absolutes

BEX walks on with a champagne flute tray.

BILL
You try telling her that

Simone takes a champagne flute

SIMONE
(to Bex)
thank you so much

Simone and Bill begin to rotate off.

5.4.22 124
 CAROLINA walks over to stand next to Bex

CAROLINA
BILL do you how late we’re supposed to go
I just want to see the Kimono dragons
BEX
SIMONE I think they said like nine-thirty
I believe it’s Kimodo
KimoDo dragons but then we do the break-down and cleanup
and like
BILL there’s no reason to rush that
(as in, “you say tomato, I say tomato”)
tomato tomato
CAROLINA
right

Bill and Simone are off.

BEX
I feel like
as long as we’re getting paid thirty dollars an hour
like
let’s take our time, right

CAROLINA
totally

it’s so crazy that they pay us thirty dollars an hour to do this

but we get minimum wage for box office
which like
actually involves deeply specialized knowledge

BEX
plus we get to like
take home any leftover trays of food

CAROLINA
really?

BEX
yeah if not they just throw it out

Dave, Helen, Bill and Simone rotate on as Carolina and Bex rotate off

5.4.22 125
CAROLINA
shit
I shoulda borrowed my roommate’s car
I can’t carry trays on the bus

BEX
I have a car I can drive you SIMONE
and you’re just back from London, Bill?
CAROLINA
oh that be so awesome BILL
yep
BEX just quick trip across the pond
and if there are any open bottles of champagne
we can grab those too SIMONE
oh
CAROLINA were you worried at all about that
nice that flu that people are talking about

Carolina and Bex are off.

BILL
nah nah
I wash my hands constantly
so I never get colds

HELEN
my mother was the same way
she was a nurse
washed her hands all the time
my whole childhood I never saw her have a cold

Carolina reenters with another plate of hor d’oeurves and Bill exits chasing after her.

DAVE
Dan’s a big handwasher too
I think it’s cause
he spends so much time in hospitals
he’s like an honorary MD at this point

SIMONE
is he joining us tonight?

DAVE
Sadly no

HELEN
everything okay?

5.4.22 126
DAVE
absolutely
he’s just doing a little routine kidney donation

SIMONE
wow
that’s so generous

is it
is it a relative?

DAVE
no no no
this was purely elective

he went into the doctor

and said
Doctor!
I don’t know why god gave me two of these
take one out and give it to someone who needs it

Helen’s phone pings. She checks it. Bill reenters, both hands full of appetizers

SIMONE
oh my goodness

DAVE
though between you and me
I think Dan has fallen head over heels for a fetching young Anesthesiologist
and is just looking for excuses

BILL
he should just ask her out

DAVE
that’s what I told him!

HELEN
I just got a text from the intern who’s driving to the airport
she said they’ll be here any minute

After giving the champagne, Bex exit. Bill follows, trying to wave her down.

SIMONE
relax Helen
it’s a lovely evening

5.4.22 127
everyone’s having a fine time

VERONICA (played by Carolina) rushes on.

VERONICA
hi hi everyone so sorry
the traffic was an absolute holocaust!

SIMONE
oh was there an accident?

VERONICA
I don’t know but my driver was very frustrated

Bill reenters, munching on something he’s holding in a napkin.

HELEN
so just to remind everyone of the plan
they’ll be the speech
and then we’ll have about half an hour of cocktails and schmoozing
and then around 8 we’ll go to dinner
just for the board
and top level donors
to get to have some more intimate time

CLAUDIA (played by Bex) enters.

CLAUDIA
hi all

guess who I just saw walking in?

HELEN
oh good
I was worried they might get stuck in traffic

CLAUDIA
there was no traffic

THE ROMANIAN appears, standing at the top of a small staircase.

He hold a champagne flute, which he taps a few times with a spoon to get everyone’s attention.

During the following, he VERY SLOWLY rotates from one end of the stage to the other, which
takes the entire duration of his speech.

THE ROMANIAN

5.4.22 128
good evening friends
it is such a great honor
to be welcomed to your venerable theater
and invited to occupy this prestigious position
as its New Artistic Director

A smattering of applause.

I have the greatest respect for the work that has happened on these stages in the past
and for the work that will no doubt be coming
so soon
in your future

and this is why

it is with the most heaviest of hearts
that I am to tell you this evening
that I have just been offered Position
Lifetime Appointment
As Artistic Director of State Theater of Romania

it brings with it a uh
Motley Crew
of feelings
a position I held as a young man
and
was forced out of
at the point of a gun

and so
to be asked back
is
errr
Very Meaningful

so I just
as lovely as would be
to lead your estimable theater

this is I think
the conclusion of my life’s work
A Full Circle Time

so
I am again
honored for your hospitality
and
melancholy
that we will not have the opportunity

5.4.22 129
to become more intimate
Artistically

and now
I must
back to the airport
for yet another flight

good luck my friends

La Revedere!

The Romanian is gone. Chaos ensues.

Lights.

5.4.22 130
19.
The Conference Room. Dave and Dan address us.

DAVE
just to begin
we want to take a moment to thank you for going on this journey with us

DAN
for putting your trust in us

DAVE
your faith

DAN
now
we know you are in a tough spot

DAVE
you feel like you’re out of options

DAN
like your back is against the wall

DAVE
but sometimes it’s just when your back is against the wall that you learn

DAN
you have the power to climb walls

DAVE
like Spiderman

DAN
with great power comes great responsibility

DAVE
so in that spirit
we have one final candidate for you to meet

DAN
they’re a little outside the box

DAVE
a little more than a little

DAN
but Bill insisted we bring some Fresh Ideas
so we hope you’ll keep an open mind

5.4.22 131
DAVE
of course they will Dan

DAN
now before we introduce you to this candidate
let’s just take a step back

from our conversations

from our research
not just with your theater
but with theaters around the country

one thing keeps coming up

which is

DAVE
it’s extremely hard to measure success
in terms of being an Artistic Director

for one thing

what are your measuring for?

is it just how you’re doing at the box office?

how much money are you raising?

DAN
of course not

DAVE
no it’s also
what’s the quality of the work?
Are you gaining national recognition?
Are you winning awards?
Are you lifting up unheard voices?
Is the field looking towards your theater as a thought leader?

DAN
and part of what’s tough about this is

there’s just not that much data

DAVE
you do eight shows a year
and each one is different
different cast
different director

5.4.22 132
you’d can’t just look back and say
we did that Sondheim last year and it was a big hit
so if we do another it’ll be a hit again
it doesn’t work that way
too many factors

DAN
now through our work
Dave and I have been part of a consortium
we’ve been collecting data from theaters all over of the country
so we’re starting to have not just a large data set but

DAVE
Big
Data

DAN
and once you have Big Data
you can do anything

DAVE
or
correction
you can’t do anything

DAN
it’s too much data for a human to process

DAVE
you’d get overwhelmed

DAN
and that leads us to where we’ve come
your final Artistic Director candidate

Dan clicks a remote. A projection appears.

It’s a computer-generated face. It almost looks human but lives in the Uncanny Valley, so
the effect is a bit creepy.
The voice sounds like Gary’s voice as put through a synthesizer

VOICE
Hello!
What kind of a season would you like?

DAN
this is our new friend
created in partnership with the A.I. technology lab at M.I.T.

5.4.22 133
DAVE
now because so many of you still have such fond memories of Gary
but of course we can’t have Gary anymore
we’ve affectionately called your copy of this program Gary II

DAN
though we should only use that internally

DAVE
Gary II is the most advanced season programing algorithm to ever exist

DAN
even as we speak
Gary II’s
(holding up quotation fingers)
“assistants”
are emailing agents
to find out about the availability of directors and actors you may want for your season

DAVE
but of course even Gary II follows the basic law of computing

DAN
garbage in, garbage out

DAVE
so you need to tell Gary II
what kind of a season do you want?

DAN
do want to maximize box office?

DAVE
get a younger audience in the door?

DAN
finally get that regional Tony Award?

DAVE
maybe you want to have the diversity on your stage reflect the diversity in your city?

DAN
Gary II will ask you to prioritize nine factors
and then produce a season optimized for that result

DAVE
and we’ve anticipated your concern

5.4.22 134
algorithms can cut right through noisy data
but they can also be very susceptible to bias

DAN
don’t get me started on facial recognition technology

DAVE
so
we’ve partnered with a leading change-making organization
to add a Diversity Equity and Inclusion module

DAN
Bill insisted on it

DAVE
so Gary II will be as biased or unbiased as you tell it to be

DAN
set it to a one
super racist theater
set it to ten
boom
fully anti-racist programming

DAVE
you make the decisions
this theater belongs to you

DAN
well technically Dave
the theater doesn’t belong to them

DAVE
no no of course not
it belongs to the community

DAN
to the staff

DAVE
to the artists

DAN
to the audience

DAVE
to the donors

5.4.22 135
DAN
so many stakeholders

DAVE
but somebody has to steward all those interests

DAN
heavy is the head that wears the crown

DAVE
and people sometimes crack under that much pressure

DAN
but not Gary II

DAVE
nope

DAN
you can have absolute confidence that Gary II is never going to make anyone feel uncomfortable

DAVE
Is never going to show up drunk to work

DAN
Is never going to falsify grant reporting

DAVE
Is never going to make casually racist remarks

DAN
Is never going to inappropriately touch artists

DAVE
Is never going to embezzle funds

DAN
Is never going to set fire to a director’s car

DAVE
Is never going to gaslight the board when they hear rumors of complaints

DAN
Is never going to force the whole cast to get naked at first rehearsal as a way to “get in touch with
their vulnerability”

DAVE
Is never going to drunkenly vomit into potted plants in the lobby

5.4.22 136
DAN
Is never going to start the meet and greet for a production of Fiddler On The Roof by rattling off
his favorite holocaust jokes

DAVE
Is never going to show up at an assistant director’s house at midnight, wearing only gym shorts and
a bowtie

DAN
Is never going to sneak up behind a junior staff member and whisper and their ear “I know what day
you’re gonna die”

DAVE
Is never going to drunkenly urinate into potted plants in the lobby

DAN
is never going to insert a full cast nude scene into a production of Mrs. Warren’s Profession by
insisting “It’s a play about whores”.

DAVE
Is never going offer a role to an actor in exchange for sexual favors

DAN
Is never going to keep a star chart in his office, and give himself a silver star whenever he makes a
staff member cry and a gold star whenever he makes a staff member quit

DAVE
Is never going to text a twenty-two year intern at 3 am asking for nude selfies

DAN
Is never going to tell the company manager to save money by putting artists of color in rat-infested
housing, because “that’s what they’re used to”

DAVE
Is never going to insist that an attractive young actor come to his house at night for “special private
coaching”

DAN
Is never going to pressures a cast to perform at a donor’s birthday party on their day-off, and then
when one of them picks up an appetizer say “put that down, the food is for people who matter”

DAVE
Is never going to start a production meeting by inviting the design team to rank the cast in order of
“most bang-able”

5.4.22 137
DAN
Is never going to say to an actor who asks for a break to pump breastmilk “shoulda thought of that
before you got knocked up”

DAVE
Is never going to drunkenly defecate into potted plants in the lobby

DAN
Is never going to have a secret master password to read everyone’s email

DAVE
Is never going to throw an assistant out of a moving car

DAN
is never going to say to actor “take that punch like a man, stage combat is for pussies”

DAVE
Is never going to intimidate former employees by threatening future job prospects

DAN
Is never going to

DAVE
ultimately this is your decision

DAN
and at the end of the day
your challenge is
this position of Artistic Director simply has too much power

DAVE
absolute power corrupts

DAN
absolutely

DAVE
no one person should have so much power

DAN
and the beauty of Gary II is
it’s not a person

Lights.

5.4.22 138
20.
Helen’s office. She sits alone, at a computer.

She stares at the computer, she reaches to type. She stops.

She picks up her phone and dials.

Elsewhere onstage, we see Maya, driving.

She presses a button on a blue tooth earpiece to answer the phone.

MAYA
hello?

HELEN
hi Maya!

It’s Helen
from City Rep

MAYA
oh

Helen
uhhhh

HELEN
how are you?
I’ve been thinking about you

MAYA
I’m uh
yeah

doin’ good
doing real good

HELEN
that’s great to hear

MAYA
(wary)
so uh

what’s up?

HELEN
oh um

5.4.22 139
well

I don’t know if you’ve been following what’s been going on over here

MAYA
you know
I haven’t actually

I just decided
for my own mental health
and self-care

I really need to disconnect from

all of that
so

HELEN
well I just want to say
first of all
I am so so sorry

for how everything unfolded

the board

I feel like you were treated so disrespectfully by the process

and I’m just

I feel terrible for not reaching out sooner

MAYA
uh huh

HELEN
I made some mistakes too
and I want to own up to that

it was just so many countervailing pressures and

MAYA
sorry I’m actually
I’m expecting another call so

HELEN
right
so

okay um
let me just come out with it

5.4.22 140
if I could make it happen
get you a real solid offer
would you be willing to come back
to be the

not Interim
but to be
the
Artistic Director
free and clear

A bunch of horns honking, car sounds.

HELEN
hello?
are you there?

MAYA
yeah sorry
freeway traffic is crazy today

HELEN
where are you?
are you not back in New York?

MAYA
no no
you remember Nadia
the writer whose play you killed?

HELEN
that’s not exactly what [happened}

MAYA
so she ended up getting an overall deal at HBO
and she said
Maya I must have you in my writers room

so

HELEN
oh wow
that’s uh
and you’re doing that?

MAYA
yeah and you know it’s really

5.4.22 141
it’s really powerful to just be
to finally feel like I’m being valued for my work
and like
they don’t have tell me that they value with me with some line of bullshit
about how I’m part of their family
because they’re showing me they value me
with money

HELEN
oh well I’m uh
I’m happy for you

MAYA
thanks

ah
I think that’s my call coming in

HELEN
sure

MAYA
oh and just one more thing

I got that email about like

the emergency campaign to raise a hundred thousand dollars before the end of the month

HELEN
oh great
I mean we are in tough spot
so whatever you can do
every little bit/helps

MAYA
yeah would you just
would you mind taking me off your email list?

anyway gotta jump

good luck!

Lights out on Maya.

Helen, alone with the computer. Helen types on the computer.

We hear a voice, which sounds like Gary’s voice, as run through a synthesizer.

GARY II
Hello. Managing. Director.

5.4.22 142
So. Excited. To. Partner. With. You.

Let’s get ready. To. Plan. A. Season.

First.

Enter. Number of Shows.

Next. Enter…

GARY II’s voice fades.

Lights.

5.4.22 143
21.
The Box Office, the phones are ringing wildly

ARIANA
City Rep Box Office
can you hold please?
Hello?
Okay, so you wanted four
season subscriptions
yes the Friday night package
I can book your dates or you
can call us back as it gets closer
great
and would like me to use the
credit card on file?
okay you’re all set
Hi, thanks for holding how can
I help you
yes we do still have season
subscriptions available
BEX
City Rep Box Office can you
hold please
thanks for holding, yes we do
still have season subscriptions
available
Okay so that’s two opening
night subscriptions that’s
going to be $298 plus tax
I can take a credit card
whenever you’re ready
Okay and the expiration date
All right and you’re all set
CAROLINA
City Rep Box Office can you
hold please
thanks for holding
yes next season is on sale now
well we are starting to fill up
So I can’t promise I can get all
six of the same seat for every
show
but let’s go one at a time and
see what we can do
no sure
I understand
you can call back as soon as
you have that info

ARIANA/BEX/CAROLINA
Am I Correct This Your First Time Buying Tickets With Us?

And Can I Ask How You Heard About The Theater

Yes I Absolutely Agree

It Looks Like a Very Exciting Season
We Can’t Wait

They hang up.

ARIANA
is it always this crazy when subscriptions go on sale?

BEX
no
it’s never been like this before

5.4.22 144
CAROLINA
yeah they’re gonna need to hire us another person
if it keeps up like this

ARIANA
totally

BEX
(checking her phone)
whoa
fuck

CAROLINA
what?

BEX
I just got an email from
from
from Maya

ARIANA
oh wow

BEX
I wonder if she like
do you think she like
knows

CAROLINA
no no that google feedback form was anonymous

BEX
yeah but was it really?
I just feel like
you can usually guess, right

ARIANA
plus we don’t even know for sure if that’s why she didn’t get the job

CAROLINA
you were just being honest

BEX
I’ve seriously like
had nightmares about this moment

CAROLINA
what’s the email say?

5.4.22 145
BEX
I don’t know
I can’t [read it]

here you read it

Bex hands Carolina their phone.

CAROLINA
(reading)
“Dear Bex,

I’m so sorry we didn’t get a chance to really connect while I was there.

I tried to submit your letter just before the deadline and the system told me I was no longer one of
the requested recommenders. I assumed it was a glitch so I reached to my friend Melinda who runs
the directing program and sent it to her directly and she said she’d add it to your application. Since I
always think it’s weird people don’t know what’s being said about them, here’s a copy.

Good luck! They’d be fools not to take you.”

Oh wow

BEX
what?

CAROLINA
the letter it’s like
it’s amazing

Ariana crosses over and reads over Carolina’s shoulder

ARIANA
“Bex possesses one of the most fearless, bold and distinctive theatrical minds I have ever
encountered”

BEX
shit

CAROLINA
that’s
awesome

BEX
Yeah

ARIANA

5.4.22 146
so but

I thought you decided not to go to grad school

BEX
yeah
I mean
I don’t know

I guess I’ll see what happens

ARIANA
no yeah
well if it’ doesn’t work out
(singing the theme song from Friends)
I’ll beee there for youuu
when the rain starts to fall
I’ll beee there for you

BEX
(picking up the tune in a medley – theme song from Cheers)
Where Everybody Knows Your Naaame

ARIANA
(Cheers music)
dooo dooo dooo dooo

BEX
And they’re always Glad You Caaaame

CAROLINA
(The Jeffersons)
To The East Siiide
To a Deeluxe Apartment in the sky

ARIANA
I can’t believe how good that show is
it sounded like such a stupid idea

A line rings.

BEX
okay but all the best musicals sound like stupid ideas: CAROLINA
City Rep Box Office
how can I help you?
a barber kills people and bakes them into pies

the founding fathers do hip-hop

5.4.22 147
 Yes we do still have a show tonight
A bunch of cats being…cats
no it’s hasn’t been cancelled

ARIANA I have not heard about that no

well but
Cats is not a good musical
okay thanks for calling
BEX
bite your tongue!

ARIANA
what?
it’s not

CAROLINA
hey check this out!

BEX
what?

CAROLINA
someone just called and asked if we’re cancelling tonight’s show
cause apparently

oh shit
Broadway just shutdown

ARIANA
like
ALL of it?

CAROLINA
looks like

BEX
wow

ARIANA
do you think that means we’re gonna shut down

CAROLINA
I mean
probably

for a little while

BEX

5.4.22 148
fuck

ARIANA
you think they’ll like
still pay us and everything though, right?

BEX
yeah
I’m sure

ARIANA
okay good
cause I like
can NOT miss another student loan payment

CAROLINA
no I mean
they have to

we’re like
they lifeblood of the theater

BEX
totally

ARIANA
right
The phones start ringing.
BEX
City Rep Box Office ARIANA
how can I help you? City Rep Box Office
How can I help you? CAROLINA
No I do not have any City Rep Box Office
information about yes I just hear about that how I can I help you?

The phones start ringing louder and louder, drowning out their voices
BEX ARIANA CAROLINA
I’m sure safety is the number I don’t have any information Yes right now as far as I know
one concern about refunds but as a we do still an 8pm show
And I would think subscriber you can always tonight
that’s right

As the lights fade the sounds of ringing phones grows louder and louder.

End of play.

5.4.22 149