Zac and Siah or Jesus in A Body Bag - Fourth Draft

Zac and Siah or, Jesus in a Body Bag 1
4th Draft - Last Revised On: 11/12/20
Zac and Siah

or,
Jesus in a Body Bag
A Comedy by
Jeffrey Lo
Copyright © 2018 by Jeffrey Lo. All Rights Reserved.
Jeffrey Lo
3184 Whitesand Dr.
San Jose, CA 95148
(408) 627-5253
Jeffreyjflo@gmail.com
I ain’t here to argue about his facial features

Or here to convert atheists into believers
I’m just trying to say the way school needs teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis
That’s the way I need Jesus.
- (the old) Kanye West
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven

When I woke, I spent that on a necklace
I told God I’d be back in a second
Man, it’s so hard not to act reckless
- (the old) Kanye West
Hurry up with my damn croissants

I am a God
I am a God
I am a God
- (the new) Kanye
I miss the old Kanye.

- (the new) Kanye
For the Catholic priest at

UC Irvine’s interfaith center
You looked like Jackie Chan

and joked about it in your sermons
You were super cool

Father John Francis
You may not want it,

But this one’s for you.
TIME:
Just before and just after Jesus Christ’s death
Although… it somehow kinda feels a lot like today
CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance):

Zac aka Zachary, Jesus’ homeboy, kinda like a cat
Siah aka Josiah, Jesus’ homeboy, kinda like a puppy
Joshua, a guard, loves figs
ON CASTING:
Although if these characters were real they would almost definitely be Middle Eastern,
these characters are fictional and this play is trying to mess with and recontextualize this
story. With that, I say you can cast these three characters with actors of any race,
ethnicity, gender identity or disabilities. Let your actors’ individuality add another rich
layer to your production.
ALSO:
There is a section that requires characters to overlap. I’ve designated when they start
the next line with a “ / ”.
If you need to re-type the script in any way for production purposes, please keep to the
format in terms of font size, punctuation, spacing between stage directions and lines, or
placement of ellipses. I want the director, actors and designers to interpret the script as
it is presented on the pages here.
LASTLY:
This is a play. Play. Have fun. Lots of it.
RUNNING TIME:
Approx. 95 minutes, this show should be performed with no intermission
Zac and Siah or, Jesus in a Body Bag
Scene One:
“Do The Right Thing.”
Lights rise on ZAC in front of his

home. ZAC is crying.
After some time passes we hear a

voice from afar.
SIAH (Offstage:)
Zac!
(Pause)
Zac!!!
(Pause)
ZAC!!!!
SIAH runs on stage.
SIAH (cont’d)
(Passing ZAC as he screams:)
ZACHARY WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE!!!
SIAH runs past ZAC and offstage.

ZAC just continues to cry.
SIAH returns.
SIAH (cont’d)
Zac?
ZAC
Hey.
SIAH
Have you been here this whole time?
ZAC
Yeah.
SIAH
Like, how long?
ZAC
This whole time.
SIAH
Like, did you see me run past you?
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
Why didn’t you say anything!?
What are you doing out here?
ZAC
I live here.
SIAH
(Laughing:)
You live here. Very fu –
(Stops laughing:)
Wait are you serious?
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
When did you move?
ZAC
I didn’t move.
SIAH
How long have you lived here?
ZAC
As long as I’ve known you.
SIAH
But then why did I run past you when I was looking for you?
ZAC
I don’t know.
SIAH
But I’ve been to your house before.
ZAC
This is true.
SIAH
But I’ve never been –
SIAH walks into ZAC’s house and

immediately comes back out.
SIAH (cont’d)
Well shit, I have definitely been here before.
ZAC
Yeah.
SIAH
That’s so weird.
ZAC
I guess.
SIAH
You’re distracting me.
ZAC! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE ARE LATE!! WE’RE GOING TO MISS IT! WE ARE GOING
TO MISS JESUS’ THING!
Wait, are you crying? You’re crying.
Why are you crying?
ZAC
Because Jesus is –
SIAH
Oh…
That…
Right…
Of course…
ZAC
Don’t you care?
SIAH
Don’t I care? Of course I care. You have no right to question if I –
I am the one ready to be there for MY FRIEND. You’re the one sitting here catching a
tan.
ZAC
Screw you, Siah.
SIAH
Hey…
That’s not nice.
Silence.
SIAH looks around, unsure of how to
proceed.
Pause.
SIAH (cont’d)
(Somewhat carefully:)
Umm…
We really are going to be late though.
ZAC
I don’t want to go.
SIAH
What?
ZAC
I don’t want to go!
SIAH
I know but…
I mean, look, I’m not looking forward to this either.
Who do I look like? Judas?
ZAC
Fuck that guy.
SIAH
Seriously, fuck that guy.
(SIAH considers something:)
But also –
ZAC
What?
SIAH
This is what he wanted though, isn’t it?
ZAC looks away from SIAH.
SIAH (cont’d)
This is what he said would happen.
He called it. And he obviously wanted to be right… right?
ZAC
I don’t know.
SIAH
And even if we don’t want to watch – you know –
SIAH puts his arms out like he is on a

cross.
SIAH (cont’d)
I think our guy wants us there…
Like he was there for us.
When we were walking with him from village to village and we’d get hungry. What
would he get us?
ZAC
Fish…
SIAH
All of that fish. Delicious fish.
ZAC
That fish was good.
SIAH
So good.
We gotta be there for J the way he was there for us.
A brief silence.
ZAC
You’re right.
SIAH
Alright!
ZAC
Jesus is doing this for us.
SIAH
He is!
ZAC
And even if I don’t agree with this –
SIAH
We all thought it was pretty extreme…
ZAC
He expects me to be there for him. We’ve been following him this long. I can’t stop now.
SIAH
Atta boy Zac!
ZAC
(Standing up:)
Alright.
SIAH
Now go in there, put on something decent and let’s get going to Golgotha.
We’ll probably have to run up most of Calvary.
Seeing as how he got a head start and all…
But then again we’re not carrying a cross so you’d think we’d be faster.
I hear those crosses are heavy.
ZAC
I’m going to go get ready now.
SIAH
You do that. I’ll be out here.
ZAC starts to enter his home.

ZAC
Siah.
SIAH
Yeah?
ZAC
Thanks for helping me do the right thing.
Scene Two
“We need to do this for the world.”
Late the same night.

The crucifixion is finished.
ZAC and SIAH sit on the ground,
shell shocked.
Silence.
SIAH
Well I can’t un-see that…
ZAC
I can’t believe it…
SIAH
That was certainly… a lot.
ZAC
Shit!
SIAH
I know…
I mean he was just…
(Beat)
Hey Zac.
ZAC
What?
SIAH
Didn’t you think that they might get out of it?
ZAC
What are you talking about?
SIAH
I kinda thought they might’ve been sharing a look.
ZAC
Who?
SIAH
Jesus and the thief.
ZAC
Which one?
SIAH
The thief. The thief on the cross next to Jesus on the cross.
ZAC
There were two of them on a cross - on either side of Jesus.
SIAH
The thief!
ZAC
They were both thieves!
SIAH
Oh…. They were both thieves?
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
Wow… Times are tough.
What were their names?
ZAC
I don’t know.
SIAH
Wasn’t one of them named like… Dismas? … Dimas? …. Demas?
ZAC
I really don’t know Josiah. Thief 1 and thief 2.
SIAH
Well, I’m talking about the nice thief.
ZAC
Which one was the nice thief?
SIAH
The nice thief was the one sharing a look with Jesus.
ZAC
Did you know him?
SIAH
No.
ZAC
Then how do you know he’s a “nice thief”?
SIAH
Because of his eyes.
ZAC
What about his eyes?
SIAH
He had kind eyes.
…
That other guy.
He had jerk eyes.
Judas eyes.
ZAC
Fuck that guy.
SIAH
You know my sister thought he was cute, Judas.
She was asking me all about him and I told her –
Nah Aria. Stay away from him. You don’t want no part of that.
Aria said, “Why? What do you know?”
And I said look at Judas’ eyes. You can just tell.
You don’t wanna spend the rest of your life with eyes like that.
Wake up in the morning and boom – there are those eyes. Just staring at you.
(Scoffs:)
Judas…
ZAC
Fuck that guy.
Quick beat.
SIAH
Anyway, kind eyes thief and J – I thought they had some sort of plan to get out of all
this.
ZAC
You’re ridiculous.
SIAH
I’m serious! I thought they had something going on.
ZAC
And what made you think that?
SIAH
Kind eyes thief and Jeezy – they shared a look.
ZAC
So?
SIAH
Don’t you think that means something?
ZAC
I think it means they were both nailed to wooden crosses, both in a whole lot of pain
and both about to die.
SIAH
And them sharing a look meant…?
ZAC
This really sucks.
We are in a lot of pain.
This thing we are going through right now… really really sucks.
The two sit in silence.

Beat.
SIAH
There was this moment, though, when he was hanging up there and it, like, really hit
me…
He’s going to die.
And I know that’s the whole point of a crucifixion, to kill someone.
And I know that’s what he claims to have wanted.

But after he had to carry the cross up the hill like that… All the screaming at him and the
throwing rotten food at him… I just thought there might be a point where we’d all stop
and go enough is enough!
ZAC breaks down into tears.
SIAH (cont’d)
Hey, Zac are you - ?
Zac…
ZAC
shitshitshit…
SIAH approaches ZAC to comfort

him.
SIAH
Hey man, I know your feeling… -
ZAC
Damn him!
SIAH
That was tough to watch…
ZAC
Why did he have to do that?
SIAH
Why’d he have to get crucified?
To forgive us for our sins, I guess…
I mean that’s what he told us again and again.
…
And again.
ZAC
Whose sins?
SIAH
All of our sins.
ZAC
So to erase all of the bullshit that has ever happened in HISTORY?
SIAH
I guess so, yeah.
ZAC
Really?
SIAH
You know how J Christ gets man. When he gets on a roll he just starts… saying shit. I
think he meant it as a nice gesture for, um, all of us.
ZAC
Ok, fine. But why THAT? Was that really the only option? That was the only sin eraser
he had in his back pocket? In order to metaphorically forgive us for our sins, Jesus had
to hang himself on a cross and die? Couldn’t he just, I don’t know, get stoned and call it
a day?
A brief silence.
Beat.
SIAH bursts into laughter.
ZAC
What are you laughing about?
SIAH works real hard to not laugh.

He is not successful.
SIAH
Sorrysorrysorry.
ZAC
Josiah!
SIAH
I’m sorry!
ZAC
What is so funny?
SIAH
It’s just…
I started thinking about...

(Pause)
I shouldn’t be laughing.
SIAH stops laughing for a half

second then bursts out laughing.
ZAC
I swear to God Siah, if you don’t tell me why you’re laughing I’m going to –
SIAH
Crucify me?
Beat.
SIAH (cont’d)
That wasn’t funny.
ZAC
Too soon.
SIAH
Definitely too soon…
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
(Beat)
Ok, so like, as you were talking I just started thinking about…
Heh.
Remember the first time J told us?
Pause.
ZAC lets a small smirk
ZAC
Yeah.
SIAH
Jesus calls that meeting just outside of Caesarea. I don’t even remember what it was for.
ZAC
A pep talk probably.
SIAH
Well it escalated real quick.
J’s pep talk turned into a pep rally.
ZAC
And then he really got going –
SIAH starts to imitate Jesus.

ZAC mimics the crowd.
SIAH
We’re going to love our neighbors!
ZAC
Yeeeeeeah!
SIAH
Cause we need to treat our neighbors the way we want to be treated!
ZAC
Free love!!!!
SIAH
We’re going to take all of the money from the rich!
ZAC
Yeaaaaah!
SIAH
And we’re gonna give it to the poor!
ZAC
That’s us!!!
SIAH
(With a slight shift in gravity:)
And I know I’m among people from all walks of life.
I am among thieves.
I am among prostitutes.
I am among sinners.
For we are all sinners.
I am among the people that the world’s systems have beaten down
And I am here to say that you are my brothers and sisters.
Each and every one of you.
Is my brother and my sister.
That’s right.
Man, woman, anything in between it doesn’t matter.
You are my brother.
You are my sister.
You are whatever you want to be with me.
ZAC
(Getting into it now, as a fangirl:)
I love you Jesus!!!
SIAH
(Pointing at ZAC:)
AND I LOVE YOU TOO!
(As Jesus, takes a deep breath:)
We live in a world of hatred, and inequality.
We live in a world that has pushed us to become people we do not want to be.
And I am here to tell you that I will save you all.
ZAC
WOOOO!
SIAH
I am here to take all of your sins and get them forgiven.
That’s right.
I am here to take all of your sins from your souls and put them into my soul.
Because that is how much I love you.
And that is how much I believe in you.
ZAC
(As himself:)
It was honestly a hell of a speech.
SIAH
And do you want to know how I’m going to do that?
How I’m going to forgive your sins?
I am going to Jerusalem.
I am going to be betrayed.
And I am going to be crucified.
(As himself:)
… the crowd was dead silent. Stunned
ZAC
No one knew what to make of it.
Until Peter was like –
SIAH
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

ZAC can’t help himself and is
laughing too.
SIAH (cont’d)
We thought he was insane!
ZAC
I mean, he kind of is, right?
Who says something like that?
SIAH
Um. J Dot Christ does.
ZAC
We all tried to shut that shit down but he was having none of it.
SIAH
And then remember that sound he made?
ZAC
Oh yeah, oh yea. Oh noooo!
SIAH lets out a yelp. Howard Dean’s

yelp from the 2004 Democratic
Primary race.
ZAC (cont’d)
The whole crowd just stared at him. Confused.
SIAH
Jesus panicked. And then to save himself, this fool doubles down on the crucifixion –
ZAC
(Now taking on the role of Jesus:)
Don’t worry everyone.
I will die, yes. I will die on that cross.
For I am just a man.
But don’t you worry.

I will rise.
SIAH
(As the crowd:)
Huh?
ZAC
To prove to you that all sins have been forgiven.
On the third day…
I will rise again…
SIAH, as the crowd, gasps.

ZAC laughs.
SIAH
Peter’s sitting in the back muttering – are you serious right now, Jesus? You are going to
come back to life? And I heard Mary Magdalene whispering, who do you think you are?
ZAC
I will rise…
(Pause, then with dramatic flair:)
From the dead.
SIAH
I’m just sitting in the back while Peter, Matt and Mary are losing their minds, I’m
thinking – WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS!? I mean, I know we’ve pulled off some pretty
cool tricks before but this is some real shit!
Hiding fish and bread and putting them into empty baskets for a million people – easy.
Turning water into wine, kind of complicated sleight of hand but we figured it out.
ZAC
That one was tough.
SIAH
Right.
But I was like – RISING FROM THE DEAD?
That is real life!
We cannot help you with –
SIAH suddenly stops.

Beat.
SIAH (cont’d)
Oh shit…
ZAC
What?
SIAH
Oh no…
ZAC
Siah, what?
SIAH
Zac…
I…
Oh god.
How are we supposed to - ?
ZAC
SIAH!
Pause.
SIAH
We’re supposed to help Jesus rise from the dead.
Silence.
ZAC
Um. Excuse me?
SIAH
We’re supposed to help Jesus rise from the dead.
ZAC
And tell me, Jo, how exactly are we supposed to do that!?
SIAH
I don’t know yet, this is all just occurring to me. I haven’t had time to come up with a
plan yet.
ZAC
A plan!? What do you mean a plan? This isn’t walking on water, Siah. THIS IS
RESURECTION WE ARE TALKING ABOUT.
SIAH
I know.
ZAC
No.
SIAH
What do you mean, no?
ZAC
I mean, this is ridiculous and insane. I don’t know what kind of plan you can even think
of but no matter what it is – I AM OUT.
SIAH
Are you serious?
ZAC
DO I LOOK LIKE I’M JOKING TO YOU!?
Look. I think you are just having a hard time wrapping your head around all of this.
I think we ALL are having a hard time wrapping our heads around this.
Jesus was our friend.
Jesus was our leader.
And now, Jesus is dead.
So maybe we just need to take a deep breath, settle down
and THEN maybe we can figure out our next steps. Ok?
SIAH stares at ZAC.

Beat.
SIAH
Do you love Jesus?
ZAC
I cannot believe you –
SIAH
Answer the question. Do you love Jes / us?
ZAC
OF COURSE I LOVE JESUS!
SIAH
Do you believe in Jesus?
ZAC
What kind of question is that? We were chugging wine with him last Thursday. I know
he exis / ts.
SIAH
DO YOU believe in Jesus’ teachings?
ZAC
Yes. Of course.
SIAH
Did you believe Jesus when he said he could magically create enough fish and bread for
all of those people?
ZAC
Of course not, we had that food. We were hiding it in the back until he made his bird call
to signal us to bring it out.
SIAH
Right, but did you believe he was going to feed those people in need?
ZAC
Yes. That is literally what we were there to do.
SIAH
Exactly. We knew that the magic of Jesus wasn’t in his tricks – the magic was in his
teachings. What mattered wasn’t the fake spell that fed those hungry people. It was the
fact that he provided nourishment for those who needed it.
ZAC
Yeah, ok, I know this.
SIAH
Now what do you think happened to those thousands of people who were fed by what
they believed to be Jesus’ magic.
Pause.
ZAC
They believed in Jesus.
SIAH
Right. But more importantly, they began to believe in his teachings.
Respect one another.
Be truthful to one another.
Help those in need.
That is where the J Man’s magic lives.
The teachings.
ZAC
Ok. So what are you getting at?
SIAH
What I’m getting at is that Jesus said he was going to be crucified to forgive the world of
its sins.
ZAC
Ok. And he did that.
SIAH
And then – in an ill-advised move – Jesus announces that in three days he is going to rise
from the dead and join God in heaven.
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
What do you think is going to happen when they open that tomb in three days and
Jesus’ dead body is still there? Rotting. Smelling like mold and dead rats.
People will think that Jesus is full of shit.
ZAC
Well maybe when Jesus said he was going to rise from the dead –
HE WAS FULL OF SHIT.
SIAH
Ok! Ok! But even so.
He wasn’t always full of shit.
He was just full of shit… here and there.
But most of the time. When he would be speaking to us. When it mattered.
When he was teaching us.

Those stories he would tell us –
He was teaching us to be better people.
He was teaching us how to live life in the best way possible.
But if people discover that his magic tricks were full of shit… then they’re going to think
those teachings are full of shit too.
And we can’t have that.
Zac…
We need to do this.
We need to do this for J Dot.
We need to do this for God.
We need to do this for the world.
Zachary…
…
We need to steal Jesus Christ’s body.
Silence.
ZAC stares at SIAH.
More silence.
ZAC
No.
SIAH
What!?
ZAC
No. I’m out of here Siah.
SIAH
Where are you going?
ZAC
Home.
SIAH
Why?
ZAC
Because I am tired.
Because I am sad.
Because I don’t know what to do.
And most of all, because it is my right to do so.
I am going home.
You can go and do whatever the hell thing you plan to do but I’m not doing it with you.
You can die on your own cros –
ZAC stops himself.
ZAC (cont’d)
You can die on your own.
I’m going to figure something else out.
SIAH
Zac, no…
Zachary! Don’t leave!
ZAC exits.
SIAH (cont’d)
…
Shit…
Scene Three
“What if he was just tired?”
A lone guard, JOSHUA, outside the

cave holding Jesus’ body.
Silence.
JOSHUA shifts his body.
A moment passes.
JOSHUA shifts his body.
A moment passes.
JOSHUA cracks his neck.
A moment passes.
JOSHUA lets out a sigh.
JOSHUA looks at the large rock

blocking the entrance to the cave.
JOSHUA
(Looking to the sky, to God:)
Was all of this really necessary?
Like, really God?
Look, I’m pretty sure I didn’t believe in him being your son or whatever but I do believe
that you have something to do with everything around us so your hands are dirty with
this too…
And you’re not allowed to question me. Like aren’t I participating in this too?
I’ve had to wrap my head around my conscience and it’s clear.
I’m just doing my job here.
Guarding this cave.
If I don’t do my job, Pilate kicks me out of the guard and what will come of my family?
And plus, the poor guy was dead when he came to me.
I had nothing to do with what came before.
I’m just here to guard his body.
So really, the way I think of it, I’m doing this Jesus guy a favor.
(Beat)
Ugh…
I’m hungry.
Couldn’t they have left me with some food?
If I was supposed to guard this place for three days the least they could’ve done was
leave a guy some figs or something…
Budget cuts… I bet Pilate still gets fed…
What I wouldn’t do for a couple of figs…
(Mind wanders to figs:)
OhmygodIlovefigssomuch…..
Figgy fig figs…
(Beat)
Was he really such a bad guy?
I guess I just… don’t understand what the big deal was.
Was he annoying?
Sure, kind of.
Always making such a scene every time he opened his mouth but were the things he
said really that bad?
Help people. Cool.
Don’t be a liar. Dope.
Don’t cheat on your spouse. Hard to argue.
If you’re rich, give to the poor. Suck it up and do it.
Sounds like common sense to me.
Do we really need to murder a man in the most brutal way we’ve invented because he’s
jumping on tables howling common sense?
It’s ridiculous.
(Pause, back to God)
You know, I was pretty down with Jesus and his teachings.
I was damn near a follower until he started calling himself the son of God.
Then I was like… nah, I’m good.
Still though…
Didn’t disagree with him.
I was just kind of annoyed by him.
Definitely didn’t want him dead.
…
If people were really made in your image, someone made a big mistake cause there
must be a defect.
(Sighs)
People are so stupid sometimes…
A moment passes.
SIAH sneaks on from the side so that
JOSHUA cannot see him.
SIAH scopes out JOSHUA.

JOSHUA decides to sit down on the
floor.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
God I want some water… and figs.
(Stretching his back)
Ugh, my back is killing me.
SIAH puts on a faux-casual strut and

approaches JOSHUA.
SIAH pretends to just notice JOSHUA.
SIAH
Oh. What’s up, man?
JOSHUA jumps to his feet.
JOSHUA
Who are you?
SIAH
Who am I?
Just a friend.
JOSHUA
A friend of who?
SIAH
A friend of…
You?
JOSHUA
Are you trying to mess with me right now?
SIAH
And Jesus.
I’m a friend of Jesus’.
…
Jesus is my homeboy.
Beat.
JOSHUA, to SIAH’s surprise,
relaxes a bit.
JOSHUA
Oh.
I’m sorry for your loss.
SIAH
Thank you.
Were you a follower?
JOSHUA
Of Jesus?
SIAH
Yeah.
JOSHUA
I didn’t identify as one.
But I wasn’t really against him.
SIAH
I get that.
JOSHUA
Yeah.
SIAH
Josiah.
JOSHUA
Joshua.
Beat.
SIAH
Is he really… in there?
JOSHUA
(A little suspicious:)
Why do you ask?
SIAH
Nothing. Just wondering.
JOSHUA
(Growing aggressive:)
Just wondering?
SIAH
Yeah. Just want to know where my friend is.
JOSHUA
But he’s dead.
SIAH
But he’s still there. Right?
Pause.
JOSHUA calms down a bit.
JOSHUA
Right.
SIAH
So you know… that’s all I wanted to know.
JOSHUA
Right.
SIAH
So can I, like, see him?
JOSHUA
WHAT!? NO!!
SIAH
Ok! I’m sorry!
JOSHUA
Absolutely not!
SIAH
I get it!
JOSHUA
What is wrong with you!?
SIAH
I just watched my friend get nailed to a cross to die.
Pause.
JOSHUA
Of course.
SIAH (cont’d)
So I’m sorry if I ask a dumb question here or there. I’m a little all over the place.
No need to get all pumped up.
JOSHUA
Sorry. I’m just a bit on edge.
SIAH
It’s ok.
JOSHUA
It’s just so much pressure you know?
SIAH
I get it.
JOSHUA
I didn’t ask for this job.
SIAH
Who would?
JOSHUA
Literally everyone else.
SIAH
Really?
JOSHUA
Yeah. This is a pretty prestigious gig.
SIAH
Wow…
JOSHUA
Yeah.
SIAH
Then how’d you end up with it?
JOSHUA
Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?
SIAH
I don’t mean –
I just mean that if it’s such a prestigious opportunity, or whatever.
And you didn’t want to do it…
Why did they choose you?
JOSHUA
Oh.
I think I was chosen because I didn’t want to do it.
SIAH
What? That doesn’t make sense.
JOSHUA
Sure it does.
SIAH
Explain.
As JOSHUA talks, ZAC enters

discreetly. He hides and listens to the
conversation.
JOSHUA
- when they were trying to figure out who was going to guard this cave -- pretty much
everyone volunteered to do it.
Thing is, all of these overeager people probably had an agenda. They all wanted to do
one thing or another with the body.
When they came to me, I said, “You know… when it comes to Jesus, I’m pretty neutral.
You should probably get someone who cares.”
It totally backfired on me.
They look at my face and they’re like, “Indifference? Perfect.”
SIAH
Ouch…
JOSHUA
Yeah…
SIAH
And now here you are…
JOSHUA
Here I am…
SIAH
For three days…
JOSHUA
Don’t remind me.
SIAH
Do they provide meals?
JOSHUA
NO!
SIAH
Seriously?
JOSHUA
SERIOUSLY!
SIAH
That’s messed up.
JOSHUA
You’re telling me!
SIAH
Not even a fig?
JOSHUA
FIGS!!!!
SIAH
You like Figs?
JOSHUA
OHMYGODWHATIWOULDDOFORAFIGGGGGG
SIAH
(Singing the Klondike Bar jingle:)
What would you doooooo, for a fig-gy fig?
JOSHUA
ILOVEFIGGGGGGGGGS
SIAH
How about wine?
JOSHUA quickly straightens up.
JOSHUA
I’m trying to cut down.
SIAH
On wine or figs?
JOSHUA
Wine! Obviously. Who could give up Figs? That’d be stupid.
SIAH
Why are you giving up wine?
JOSHUA
I drink it too much. It’s a little bit of a problem.
And I get drunk REAL fast… that’s a big problem.
SIAH
Got it…
Pause.
SIAH thinks.
Beat.
SIAH (cont’d)
Joshua… What if I could get you some…
JOSHUA
What?
SIAH
Figs.
JOSHUA
What!? FIGS!? YOU CAN GET ME FIGS!?
SIAH
Maybe.
JOSHUA
HOW!? OHMYGODILOVEFIGSSSSSSS.
SIAH
I can tell!
I’ll just need some… um. Help.
JOSHUA
Ok. Anything. Anything for figs, what do you need for figs?
SIAH
Well… It’s more of an exchange.
JOSHUA
(Scared and suspicious at the same time:)
What’s the exchange?
SIAH
If I give you figs…
You let me see Jesus.
JOSHUA
Yes! Wait! No! Wait! Maybe!
UGH ILOVEFIGS!
STOP TALKING!
SIAH
I wasn’t talking.
JOSHUA
STOP TALKING!
SIAH
Ok.
JOSHUA
I NEED TO THINK!
Silence.
JOSHUA is panicked.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
FUCK!!!!
SIAH
What? What’s wrong?
JOSHUA
I just love figs so much!
SIAH
Ok, well let me see if I can help your decision.
JOSHUA
How?
SIAH
Is there a number of figs I could get you that would make this decision easier?
ZAC has an idea and exits.
JOSHUA
How many are you offering?
SIAH
How many do you need?
Pause.
JOSHUA
25.
SIAH
Easy.
JOSHUA
ARG! 26!
SIAH
Done.
JOSHUA
AH! Fine! 30! I need. 30!
SIAH
(Faking concern:)
Wow, 30?
JOSHUA
(Feeling victorious:)
30.
SIAH
Can you even eat 30 figs?
JOSHUA
Watch me.
SIAH lets out a sigh.

JOSHUA thinks he’s off the hook.
SIAH
Ok.
JOSHUA
WHAT!?
SIAH
30 figs it is.
JOSHUA
You can get me 30 figs!?
SIAH
It’ll be hard but sure.
JOSHUA
How about water?
SIAH
Nope.
JOSHUA
But I’m so thirsty!
SIAH
Wasn’t part of the deal.
JOSHUA
DAMNIT!
SIAH
Sorry.
I’ll get you the 30 figs.
Be back in a bit!
SIAH runs off.

SIAH returns.
SIAH (cont’d)
Don’t leave.
JOSHUA
I can’t.
SIAH
Oh yeah.
SIAH runs off again.

JOSHUA sits on the ground.
JOSHUA
Oh figs… you are my downfall…
Silence.
JOSHUA stretches his back again.
Pause.
JOSHUA starts to hum in the tune of

“We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”
JOSHUA (cont’d)
(Singing:)
Oh give me some figgy – la la.
Oh give me some figgy – la la
Oh give me some figs and water
And bring it right here.
JOSHUA laughs at himself.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
I just invented a song.
(Singing:)
I won’t go until I get some
I won’t –
ZAC’s footsteps can be heard.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
I told you Josiah, I cannot leave my station. Can you please just –
ZAC enters.
ZAC
Who are you talking to?
JOSHUA, startled, jumps up.
JOSHUA
Who goes there!?
ZAC throws his hands to the sky.
ZAC
Zac.
JOSHUA
What?
ZAC
Zac.
JOSHUA
What?
ZAC
Zac.
JOSHUA
Wh –
ZAC
Zachary. My name. Zachary.
JOSHUA
Oh.
ZAC
Zachary. And harmless.
JOSHUA
What are you doing here Zachry and harmless?
ZAC
Is that a joke?
My name is just –
JOSHUA
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?
ZAC
AHHH! I’m just –
I’m just –
I’m just –
JOSHUA
WHAT!?
ZAC
You are making me very nervous.
JOSHUA
Well I’m nervous too!
ZAC
So what should we do about that?
JOSHUA
TELL ME WHY YOU ARE HERE!
ZAC
OHMYGODOKIWILL!
I’M HERE TO…
I’M HERE TO…
JOSHUA
WHAT!?
ZAC
WHY ARE WE SCREAMING!?
JOSHUA
I DON’T KNOW!!!!
ZAC
(Suddenly not screaming:)
Maybe we should stop?
JOSHUA
NO!!!!!
ZAC
AHHHHH!!!
JOSHUA
WHO ARE YOU!?!?
ZAC
I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!!
JOSHUA
OH YEAH!!!!
ZAC
ZACHARY!!
JOSAHUA
AND HARMLESS!!!
ZAC
YEAH!!!
JOSHUA
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE!?
ZAC
TO GIVE YOU WATER!!!!
JOSHUA is suddenly calm and not on

attack.
JOSHUA
Wait, you have water?
ZAC
What just happened?
JOSHUA
You just said you had water.
ZAC
You’re like a baby.
JOSHUA
Hey that’s not nice.
ZAC
You have a temper… or something. Can you even call that a temper?
JOSHUA
I know.
ZAC
You should get that checked.
JOSHUA
I’ve been meaning to.
ZAC
Why haven’t you?
JOSHUA shrugs.
JOSHUA
The job’s benefits suck.
ZAC
Maybe you should unionize.
JOSHUA
(Quick beat)
You said you had water?
ZAC
Yeah.
JOSHUA
I’m so thirsty.
ZAC
I heard.
JOSHUA
What?
ZAC
What? Nothing.
JOSHUA
You heard?
ZAC
I mean, I figured.
I heard that Jesus’ body was brought here and that there were guards, um, guarding him.
And I thought to myself, well, those guards must be really thirsty.
JOSHUA
I am!!!
ZAC
You are! I just didn’t know that you’d be alone.
JOSHUA
Right!? You’d think with something this important, they’d put like, I don’t know, two of
us on here at least.
ZAC
Or give the ONE guard water.
JOSHUA
RIGHT!?
ZAC
Well…
(Taking out a canteen:)
Here it is.
JOSHUA
Wait.
ZAC
What?
JOSHUA
What’s in it for you?
ZAC
What do you mean?
JOSHUA
Why are you doing this?
What’s in it for you?
There must be something in it for you.
ZAC
Must there?
JOSHUA
Yes.
ZAC
Well…
JOSHUA
Ugh. You too?
ZAC
What?
JOSHUA
You wanna see him too?
ZAC
Who?
JOSHUA
(Pointing to the cave:)
Him.
Jesus.
ZAC
(Feigning ignorance:)
Oh… Jesus…
I forgot all about Jesus…
Have other people wanted to see Jesus?
JOSHUA
Everyone wants to see Jesus.
ZAC
When you say everyone, how many people do you mean?
Pause.
JOSHUA
There was one other guy.
ZAC
Oh.
JOSHUA
That came here at least.
ZAC
Josiah?
JOSHUA
How did you know his –
ZAC
What? What are you talking about? I don’t know his –
I wasn’t saying –
I was saying
Jo…soo… ah.
JOSHUA
Josooah?
ZAC
Mispronounced your name.
Sorry about that. Tongue gets all weird.
JOSHUA
Ah.
ZAC
You said the other guy’s name was –
JOSHUA
Not important.
ZAC
Sure.
JOSHUA
But I did agree to let him go see Jesus.
ZAC
(Feigning ignorance:)
You did?
JOSHUA
Yeah. I mean, I agreed to it as long as he was able to do this crazy thing for me.
ZAC
What’s the crazy thing?
JOSHUA
He said he’d get me THIRTY figs!
ZAC
THIRTY?
JOSHUA
I know right? THIRTY! Hah!
ZAC
That sure is a lot of figs.
JOSHUA
Even if he were somehow able to get me thirty figs I’d say it’s worth it.
ZAC pulls out a fig.
ZAC
I only have this one.
JOSHUA freezes upon sight of the fig.
JOSHUA
You…
ZAC
What?
JOSHUA
That’s a fig.
ZAC
Yes.
JOSHUA
I love figs…
ZAC
I’m seeing that.
A brief silence.
Beat.
ZAC (cont’d)
But you’re getting a ton of figs from that other guy.
JOSHUA
(Deflated:)
Of course…
Of course of course. Can’t be getting greedy.
ZAC
But I do have this water to help with your thirst.
JOSHUA
Water…
I’ll tell you what.
I’ll let you in to see Jesus to thank you for the water.
ZAC
You will?
JOSHUA
But –
ZAC
What?
JOSHUA
You have to wait for the other guy.
ZAC
I have to wait for Siah.
JOSHUA
What?
ZAC
I said – UGH. I have to wait? Siiiigggggh.
JOSHUA
Yes. You have to wait.
That way, you two can go and pay your respects together and I’m only risking my job
once!
Pause.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Is that ok?
ZAC fakes thinking hard about it.

Silence.
Suddenly, ZAC shrugs and throws

the water to JOSHUA.
ZAC
Alright.
JOSHUA
(Opening the canteen:)
Really?
ZAC
Sure, that makes sense.
JOSHUA
Oh thank God!
JOSHUA chugs the water down.

ZAC watches him.
JOSHUA becomes suddenly aware

that he is drinking all the water
while ZAC does nothing.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Sorry.
Do you want some?
ZAC
No, that’s for you. I’m fine.
There’s more where that came from.
JOSHUA
Really?
ZAC
Yeah, just let me know.
JOSHUA chugs more.
JOSHUA
(Wiping his mouth:)
Thank you.
ZAC
You’re welcome.
JOSHUA closes the canteen.

Beat.
Silence.
JOSHUA
Hey Zachary.
ZAC
Yeah?
JOSHUA
Were you there?
ZAC
At the crucifixion?
JOSHUA
Yeah.
A long pause.
ZAC nods his head.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
I’m sorry.
ZAC
Why?
JOSHUA
It looks like you were friends.
ZAC
We were.
JOSHUA
It must be hard to see something like that happen to a friend.
ZAC
Yeah…
Pause.
JOSHUA takes a swig from the
canteen.
JOSHUA
Can you tell me about it?
…
If you don’t mind me asking.
…
If it’s not too…
I didn’t go.
I didn’t have it in me to watch.
It’s just… I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why this needed to happen.
And I think maybe, if you tell me what it was like, maybe I can understand better.
Silence.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Sorry. You don’t need to –
ZAC
No. It’s ok. I –
Yeah, it’ll be ok. I think.
...
What do you want to know?
JOSHUA
What did he look like? When he was carrying the cross up the hill.
ZAC is reminded of the look on Jesus’

face.
ZAC
He looked…
Scared.
I mean that’s to be expected, right?
He’s lifting the instrument of his death on his own shoulders.
And all of these people around him, screaming at him or cheering on his death.
He hears all of it.
He sees these people.
And you can see in his eyes – behind the fear and the… regret – he’s thinking
I’m doing this for you…
I am doing this for each and every one of you…
Beat.
JOSHUA
How?
ZAC
What?
JOSHUA
How was that for all of us?
Pause.
ZAC
To be honest, I don’t know.
…
I have no idea.
Sometimes he would say things that would go over our heads.
But he said them with such conviction that we just had to trust that he knew what he
was doing.
(Sighs)
Maybe this was the time to we should’ve questioned him.
JOSHUA
When he volunteers to die? Probably.
Really though, I just don’t understand how he pictured this would help anyone.
Even if he does rise from the dead and walk out of this cave as Zombie Jesus, I just don’t
get it.
Pause.
Beat.
ZAC
Oh…
JOSHUA
What?
ZAC
What if…
…
What if he was just tired?
JOSHUA
He could’ve just tried napping.
ZAC
Jesus worked tirelessly. Relentlessly.
Day in and day out, Jesus walked from one place to the next speaking to anyone who
would listen and keep fighting for those who wouldn’t.
He wanted to be a voice for the voiceless.
Did things get better?
Not really.
Barely, if anything.
He worked non-stop and didn’t create a dent…
Oh… Oh Jesus…
ZAC starts to tear.
JOSHUA
Wh –
What?
Are you ok?
ZAC
I think he gave up.
JOSHUA
What do you mean?
ZAC
He would work day after day after day just for what?
To be yelled at.
Ridiculed.
Before he would even say a word.
And those who did listen to him would get brought down with him.
He couldn’t take it anymore
And he wanted out.
JOSHUA
Jesus?
Nah. That guy always seemed like he was having a great time.
Jumping on top of anything within site. Putting on a show of what he could do.
ZAC
Yes, a great showman.
All a façade…
He would always talk about how he envied those with a normal life.
How he wished he could have that – even for a day.
But we would all tell him there was no way.
He was Jesus Fucking Christ.
…
He wanted out but couldn’t think of a way out.
So he ended it all.
Jesus ended his own life.
Silence.
JOSHUA
Damn…
That’s heavy.
ZAC
Sorry.
JOSHUA
No. It’s not –
I asked –
it’s just –
Damn…
ZAC
Sorry.
Maybe I’m wrong. It’s just…
I don’t know.
I can’t help but think…
It’s hard to lose someone you believed in like that.
JOSHUA
Of course.
A nice moment of understanding

between JOSHUA and ZAC.
A moment that is broken by heavy

panting and the return of SIAH.
SIAH
I got them!!
(Sees ZAC:)
What are y –
ZAC
(Interrupting SIAH:)
Who are you!?
Why are you here!?
Are you harmless!?
SIAH
Why are you acting like this Z –
ZAC throws a rock at SIAH to stop

him from saying his name.
SIAH (cont’d)
Ouch!
JOSHUA
Zachary! It’s ok. This is the guy I was telling you about.
The fig guy.
Josiah.
Josiah, this is Zachary.
ZAC
(Extending his hand for a handshake:)
It’s good to meet you Josiah.
SIAH, extremely confused, shakes

ZAC hand.
SIAH
Ok…
JOSHUA
You were both friends of Jesus. He has figs.
ZAC
We were?
JOSHUA
Yes.
SIAH
Yes!
ZAC
You know what? You do look familiar! That’s right! I recognize you Josiah!
SIAH
Are you ok?
ZAC
(Trying to force SIAH into understanding:)
It’s good to see you again JO-SI-AH.
SIAH finally starts to get it but.
SIAH
Ugh – oh…
It’s ummm.
It’s been so long since we last saw each other Zachary.
ZAC
Sorry about throwing the rock at you earlier.
SIAH
Don’t worry about it.
I like it when rocks are throw at me.
SIAH picks up the rock and throws it

on his own foot.
SIAH (cont’d)
Ouch! See?
ZAC
Yes… I see…
A moment where ZAC and SIAH stare

at each other trying to communicate
through their eyes but failing.
JOSHUA
Hey!
ZAC & SIAH

Huh?
JOSHUA
Do you have those figs?
SIAH
Oh.
JOSHUA
You said you had the figs.
SIAH
I do!
JOSHUA
Really? All 30?
SIAH
Uh huh.
JOSHUA
But how?
SIAH
Not important. Just know that I have them.
SIAH produces A LOT of figs.
JOSHUA
Wow…
That’s just…
JOSHUA starts to tear.
SIAH
Are you… crying?
JOSHUA
It’s just so beautiful to look at.
SIAH
Figs make you cry?
ZAC
He’s really hungry.
SIAH
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
JOSHUA
Look at them!
There are so many of them!
SO MANY FIGS!
SIAH
You should eat them! They’re all yours!
JOSHUA
I can’t wait!
SIAH
Then don’t wait!
And now that you have them, I’ll just go and –
SIAH starts to make his way inside

the cave.
JOSHUA
Wait!
SIAH
What?
JOSHUA
One – you have to go with him.
SIAH
With Zac?
JOSHUA
Yes. He gave me water and I agreed to let him go too but I only want to let people in
once.
SIAH shrugs.
SIAH
Sure, ok.
JOSHUA
AND!
SIAH
And what?
JOSHUA
I have to count the figs. Make sure you’re not shorting me.
SIAH
Oh, of course.
JOSHUA
It’ll only take a second.
JOSHUA gathers all of the figs and

starts to intently count them.
ZAC pulls SIAH to the side.
ZAC
Do you have all of the figs?
SIAH
What are you doing here?
ZAC
Do you have all 30 figs?
SIAH
I thought you weren’t going to help me, but now you’re here.
ZAC
Can you please just worry about that later?
JOSHUA
Oh this, is a small fig. Cute! Figgy smalls…
ZAC
Answer me, do you have all 30 figs?
SIAH
I think so. Yeah.
ZAC
You think so?
SIAH
Look at them, doesn’t that look like a lot of figs?
ZAC
You didn’t count them?
SIAH
They look like a lot of figs!
ZAC
Are you kidding me Siah? How long would it have taken to count to 30?
SIAH
I’m pretty sure it’s over 30!
JOSHUA
Huh…
ZAC and SIAH look over at JOSHUA.
ZAC
What is it?
JOSHUA
That’s weird…
SIAH
What’s weird?
JOSHUA
I better count it again.
SIAH
(Shift back to ZAC:)
You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.
ZAC
I have a plan. Follow me.
SIAH
What If I had a plan?
ZAC
What’s your plan?
SIAH
To get J Man’s body.
ZAC
Ok. And then what?
SIAH
… That’s as far as I got.
ZAC
Figures. Follow me.
SIAH
Ok, fine. But what’s your plan?
ZAC
We get the body and take him to the Narzo cave.
SIAH
The Narzo cave!?
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
That’s a two day trip without a limp body weighing us down!
ZAC
We have to go far so they won’t look for us.
SIAH
But that’s, like, really far!
ZAC
Just follow the plan.
SIAH lets out a bit of a harrumph.
ZAC
(Shift to JOSHUA:)
Hey Joshua.
JOSHUA
Just a second, I don’t want to lose count…
ZAC
Joshua –
JOSHUA
Wait –
ZAC
JOSHUA CAN I HAVE SOME OF MY WATER?
JOSHUA
Oh. Uh. Sure.
(Looking embarrassed:)
I drank over half of it. Sorry.
ZAC
No, no. I’m sorry. I told you to finish it and here I am asking for it back.
I just need a sip if that’s ok.
JOSHUA
Of course.
JOSHUA hands ZAC the bottle.
ZAC
Thanks.
JOSHUA starts counting again.

ZAC takes a quick sip of the water.
JOSHUA
Huh. I was right…
ZAC
About what?
(Returns the canteen back to JOSHUA:)
Here you go.
JOSHUA
There aren’t 30 figs here…
ZAC
Oh really…
JOSHUA
There are 32 figs!
SIAH
WOW! 32 FIGS! THAT’S AMAZING!
SIAH shoots ZAC a look.

ZAC mostly ignores it.
ZAC
Well that’s great!
JOSHUA
Do you want them back Josiah?
SIAH
The 32 figs?
JOSHUA
No, not the 32 figs! The first 30 are mine. I mean the other two.
SIAH
Oh, um…
Well…
ZAC
No.
SIAH
No.
ZAC
You should keep them. As a thank you from him to you. From both of us really. For
letting us see our friend Jesus.
SIAH
R… right.
A thank you for letting me see my boy Sussy.
JOSHUA
Wow. Are you sure?
SIAH
Yeah.
ZAC
Definitely.
JOSHUA
Thanks!
Pause.
ZAC
So… Can we?
JOSHUA
Oh! Yeah, of course. I’ll just need help moving this rock.
If you don’t mind.
SIAH
Nah.
ZAC
Not at all.
JOSHUA
To be honest, that’s kinda why I wanted you to go in together.

This rock is more of a three person job.
It’s a bit of a workout.
JOSHUA, ZAC and SIAH work

together to move the rock blocking
the entrance of the cave.
The three of them get a bit winded

from it.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
And there we are.
Your free to go.
ZAC and SIAH nod to JOSHUA and

start to enter the cave.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Oh, guys.
Just be prepared.
I know he was your friend and…
He doesn’t look great.
Beat.
ZAC and SIAH nod and walk into the
cave.
JOSHUA watches them off and sits

back down and starts to open a fig.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Nice guys…
(Beat)
God I’m out of shape.
(Opening the canteen:)
Moving that rock just once has me all winded…
JOSHUA takes a sip from the canteen

and his eyes immediately grow.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
What is this?
This can’t…
I thought this was water.
I haven’t had a sip of…
Oh no…
I forgot how good this feels.
Oh no…
I like this…
I like how this tastes…
I like how this feels….
Oh no, oh no, oh no…
(In fear and excitement:)
Wine…
JOSHUA starts to chug the wine from

the canteen.
Scene Four
“You Just Own a Body Bag?”
Inside the cave.

ZAC and SIAH are walking, making
their way to Jesus’ corpse.
SIAH
You turned the water into wine?
ZAC
Yes.
ZAC (cont’d)
What are you laughing at?
SIAH
I just never thought that trick would end up coming in handy a second time.
(Beat)
I remember when we were practicing the trick – it must’ve been like 3 in the morning
and we hadn’t figured it out yet. I was so tired and I was like Dude. J dog. Couldn’t you
think of something easier? Like… when am I ever going to need this skill?
ZAC
And we needed it again. And again for Jesus…
Beat.
SIAH
Why did you think to give him wine?
ZAC
I overheard your conversation.
SIAH
Which part of it?
ZAC
Most of it. But specifically the part where he said he had a drinking problem.
And that just a sip of a drink would set him on a tailspin.
SIAH stops walking.
SIAH
Wait. Hearing that that guy had a drinking problem is what made you think to trick him
into drinking?
That’s fucked up.
ZAC
I’m not proud of it.
SIAH
I didn’t think you had that in you.
ZAC
I wish I didn’t have to do it but here we are.
Now come on Siah. We have to hurry up and get to the body.
Lights and sound shift.

ZAC and SIAH travel through the
cave.
Lights shift.
ZAC and SIAH are in front of Jesus
body. For now, only ZAC and SIAH
can see the body.
ZAC and SIAH stare at the body,

stunned.
Silence.
Beat.
Suddenly, SIAH runs off to vomit.

ZAC doesn’t react. He can’t take his
eyes off of Jesus.
ZAC starts to weep.

SIAH returns and stands next to ZAC.
ZAC
(Screaming at Jesus:)
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!?
SIAH
Zac…
ZAC
IF YOU WERE DONE YOU SHOULD’VE JUST SAID YOU WERE DONE!
SIAH
Zac what are you talking about?
ZAC
Siah, why do you think he did this?
SIAH
To make a point?
ZAC
To make a point? Or to give up.
SIAH
What are you talking about?
ZAC
Think about it. How many nights did we sit with Jesus while he screamed in frustration?
Crying because we weren’t making any progress.
SIAH
So?
ZAC
How many times did Jesus wish he could go back to his childhood. Before any of this
responsibility fell on him?
SIAH
I mean, doesn’t that just make sense?
ZAC
How many times did Jesus say he wished he was done? Done.
SIAH
We all wished we were done.
ZAC
And if we wanted to be done, we could have left. No one would’ve noticed.
But how could Jesus be done?

How could Jesus finish the job without losing face?
…
The only way out for him was to die.
And he was so done that he didn’t care.
Silence.
SIAH
You don’t know that.
ZAC
Then explain it otherwise.
SIAH
He was just fucking around.
ZAC
SIah –
SIAH
Like he always did.
ZAC
But did he ever fuck around about death?
…
Siah.
SIAH
What?
ZAC
Answer me. Did he ever fuck around about death?
About dying. Death for himself for us or for his enemies.
Did he?
Pause.
SIAH
No.
ZAC
No.
SIAH
Still, we don’t actually know.
ZAC
Well God knows he’s not answering any questions anymore.
SIAH
I mean…
ZAC
What?
SIAH
We don’t know that he won’t answer any –
ZAC
Are you kidding me!?
SIAH
What!?
ZAC
You are ridiculous!
SIAH
I’m just saying. We don’t know anything until we actually try it…
ZAC
And what, exactly, are you saying we should try?
ZAC stares at SIAH.

SIAH clears his throat.
SIAH looks at Jesus’ body.
SIAH
Hey J Man….
ZAC throws his arms up in air.
ZAC
You’ve got to be kidding me.
SIAH
How are you doing, dude? It’s your homies Zac and Siah…
We were just, you know, wondering…
Cause, like, you didn’t really warn any of us when you did it…
Ummm…
SIAH looks at ZAC

ZAC shakes his head.
SIAH looks back at Jesus’ body.
SIAH (cont’d)
Could you tell us, if you don’t mind…
Why did you decide you to be crucified?
Silence.
Silence.
SIAH stares at Jesus’ body.
ZAC cannot believe what is
happening.
Silence.
Beat.
SIAH (cont’d)
Yeah, I don’t think he’s answering.
ZAC slaps SIAH upside the head.
SIAH (cont’d)
OWWWWW!!!
ZAC
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Look, I’m…
Sorry.
I won’t do that again.
It’s just…
After the day we’ve had so far, that was bound to happen.
SIAH
Gosh. First giving the guy with the drinking problem wine, and now this – I’m learning a
lot about who you really are under all that… other stuff.
ZAC
Are you ok?
SIAH
That hurt!
ZAC
Are you ok?
SIAH
I feel betrayed.
ZAC
Will you be ok?
Pause.
SIAH
Probably.
ZAC
Ok, well we better not waste any more time in here.
SIAH
You’re right. Regardless of why he did it – the fact of the matter is he is dead and we
need the world to believe he rose from the dead. Because whether or not Jesus wanted
to die, he definitely did not want his work to go to waste.
ZAC somehow produces a body bag.
SIAH (cont’d)
HOLY –
Is that a body bag?
ZAC
Yes.
SIAH
Where did that come from?
ZAC
I brought it from home.
SIAH
From home!?
ZAC
Our plan is to transport a dead body so I brought my body bag, what’s surprising?
SIAH
YOUR BODY B –
You just own a body bag?
ZAC
(Nonchalantly:)
Yeah.
Pause.
SIAH
Learning so much about you.
ZAC
Hurry up, let’s get him in here and let’s go before Joshua wakes up.
SIAH
And then to the Narzo Cave.
ZAC
The Narzo Cave…
ZAC and SIAH work to put Jesus’

body in the body bag. It’s not
particularly graceful. Let’s be honest,
it’s probably quite comedic. What’s
important, is that we don’t actually
see any part of Jesus’ body yet.
SIAH
Does he fit?
ZAC
Of course he fits, we just have to get him in the right angle.
ZAC and SIAH lift the limp body bag

and travel outside the cave.
ZAC
Do you want the top or the bottom?
SIAH
I don’t know.
ZAC
Well, when carrying a dead body – the top is always the heavier side.
SIAH gives ZAC a look.
SIAH
Learning so much…
ZAC starts to pick up the bottom of

the body bag.
SIAH (cont’d)
No, I want the bottom!
ZAC and SIAH exit the cave.

As they leave, they see JOSHUA on
the floor in the middle of a puddle of
wine and a pile of figs.
They put the body bag down to

check on JOSHUA.

SIAH (cont’d)
Woo… you really did a number on him, Zac.
He seemed like a nice enough guy…
ZAC
Look, I already feel bad.
SIAH
It might take him his whole life to pull himself back out of this.
ZAC
It was for Jesus, ok?
ZAC calls SIAH over to pick up the

body bag.
ZAC (cont’d)
Come on, let’s get going. It’s three days to Narzo.
On his way over, SIAH grabs a fig

from JOSHUA’s pile.
SIAH
One for the road.
ZAC and SIAH pick up Jesus in a body

bag.
They exit.
Scene Five
“What Would Jesus Do?”
ZAC and SIAH continue travelling as

they carry Jesus in a body bag. They
have been travelling for nearly a full
day.
ZAC
How you doing?
SIAH
So far so good.
ZAC
Good.
SIAH
You?
ZAC
Ask me in two days.
SIAH
Hey can we - ?
SIAH stops walking.
ZAC
What?
SIAH
Can we check on him?
ZAC
Check on who?
SIAH points to the body bag.
ZAC (cont’d)
You want to check on Jesus?
SIAH nods.
ZAC (cont’d)
Why?
SIAH shrugs.
ZAC (cont’d)
He’s in there.
SIAH
How do you know?
ZAC
How could he have gone anywhere?
SIAH just looks at ZAC pensively.
ZAC (cont’d)
Fine…
They put the body down.

SIAH approaches the body bag and
unzips it. The two of them look
inside. It is still shocking for them to
see.
Silence.
SIAH (cont’d)
Jesus Christ…
Beat.
ZAC
Zip him back up.
Zip him back up.
Put Jesus back in the body bag.
SIAH
You’re right.
J wouldn’t want us to see him like this…
SIAH zips the body bag back up.

SIAH (cont’d)
Should we keep going?
ZAC
Can you use a rest?
SIAH
I can keep going.
ZAC
Cause I can use a rest.
SIAH melts to the ground.
SIAH
Thank God.
ZAC
I think we need some sleep.
Right on cue, SIAH yawns.
SIAH
I think you’re right…
ZAC and SIAH lie down on the

ground.
ZAC
This dirt is not very comfortable…
SIAH
What do you expect?
ZAC
True…
SIAH
(Chuckling:)
You can always use the body bag as a pillow…
ZAC
You’re terrible.
ZAC and SIAH chuckle together.
Then, for ZAC, the chuckle becomes

much fuller laughter.
SIAH
What?
ZAC
You know what else I could use as a pillow right now?
SIAH
What?
ZAC
Jesus’ merch.
SIAH bursts into laughter with ZAC.
SIAH
Oh my God, I forgot about those…
ZAC
Remember when he showed them to us?
SIAH
AFTER he already got them all made.
ZAC
Hey guys, look what I got made.
What do you think?
I figure we could help spread the word by giving away these tunics to potential followers.
You know?
Folks would see everyone wearing these sweet tunics and be like – where did you get
that dope tunic, brother?
And then the catch phrase can spread.
Just like the good news.
I think we could use a catch phrase.
SIAH laughs more.

ZAC and SIAH

“What Would Jesus Do?”
ZAC and SIAH share an even bigger

laugh.
ZAC
We were trying to fill the world with good people not fill the world with a bunch of Jesus
clones!
SIAH
Could you imagine?
Nothing would ever get done. It would just be people sitting down philosophizing and
telling parable after parable after parable…
ZAC
What a stupid catch phrase…
SIAH
What a stupid idea. Hands down the stupidest idea J ever had…
The laughter fades to a sudden

heaviness.
ZAC
Well. Second stupidest idea.
(Pause)
That idea didn’t end with him dead.
Silence.
Beat.
ZAC (cont’d)
Hey. Let’s get some rest. We have another long day of travel ahead of us.
Scene Six
“To Zac. Siah. And Jesus in a Body Bag!”
In darkness, the sound of someone

peeing.
Lights slowly rise on the next night.

It’s dark. A full day of travelling has
passed.
ZAC, rolling left and right on the

ground next to Jesus in a body bag.
SIAH is off to the side peeing.
Both men are drunk.
SIAH
Ohmygodthisfeelssogood….
ZAC
Uhhuh….
SIAH
I was holding it in for so long…
ZAC
Then let it all out man…
ZAC rolls around towards the body

bag and holds it from behind,
spooning it.
ZAC (cont’d)
I’m so tired…
SIAH finishes peeing and turns

around to see ZAC spooning Jesus in
a body bag. SIAH bursts into
laughter.
ZAC (cont’d)
What?
SIAH
Look at yourself.
ZAC
What?
SIAH
You’re spooning the son of God.
ZAC
What?
ZAC realizes what he’s doing and

leaps up from the ground.
ZAC (cont’d)
AHHHHHHHHHHSHITSHIHTSHIHT!
SIAH laughs even harder.
ZAC (cont’d)
(To Jesus:)
I am so sorry.
Eventually, ZAC joins in laughing.
SIAH
Oh man… If he were alive…
ZAC
I’d never hear the end of it.
SIAH
How funny…
The laughter dies down.
SIAH (cont’d)
Do we have anymore wine?
ZAC
Nope. All out.
Beat.
SIAH
I miss him.
ZAC
Yeah, me too. As much wild shit as he would put us through… me too.
SIAH
You know, you might find this surprising but – before Jesus – I didn’t have many friends.
ZAC
(Jokingly:)
No…
SIAH
Shut up man, I’m being serious.
ZAC and SIAH chuckle.
SIAH (cont’d)
Growing up was hard.
People always making fun of me, laughing at me for… being me.
No matter what I’d do or how hard I tried to fit in… it didn’t matter.
I was different and different is bad. Right?
When I met Jesus… he made feel different.
He made me feel -
ZAC
Accepted?
SIAH
Yeah.
ZAC nods his head.
ZAC
Things were different for me too… Before I met him.
My parents died when I was still young
Up until that point in my life – all anyone ever told me was that I was worthless.
My parents died when I was young and the town just looked at me like some sort of
burden.
From childhood – I was no good and I wasn’t going to amount to anything and…
I guess you hear that enough times in your life and you realize it doesn’t matter what
you do or how you act – your consequences are going to be bad consequences no
matter what.
…
When I met J, I was in an argument with a doctor.
SIAH
About what?
ZAC
I got caught stealing some food from a merchant and the town guards came after me.
Kicked my ass pretty good and busted my leg up.
SIAH
Why were you fighting with the doctor?
ZAC
I needed him to fix me up but I couldn’t afford his services.
I guess Jesus could hear me and came over to see what was up.
SIAH
Did he spot you the money?
ZAC
No.
SIAH
Oh.
ZAC
But he convinced the Doctor to treat me.
He reminded the Doctor that what he did was important work.
The most important work.
His job was to heal people.
Regardless of who they were, where they came from and especially regardless of
whether or not they had money.
…
I remember it like it was yesterday.
He looked that Doctor in the eye and said.
I know you are a good man.
And I know that deep down in your heart you want to help him.
I know deep down inside you want to help everyone in need.
I also know that you have a family to care for.
Children to feed.
You need money and I understand that.
But follow your heart.
And help your brother in need.
And when you’re in need, I promise you will be taken care of as well…
(Beat)
He was a good friend.
A real good friend.
SIAH
It was a requirement that we were good friends too –
ZAC
Oh, we had to be AMAZING friends to that guy –
SIAH
But he was good too…
(Beat)
Hey Zac.
ZAC
Yeah?
SIAH
You’re a good friend too.
ZAC
Thanks Siah.
Silence.
SIAH
This is where you say I’m a good friend too.
ZAC
Of course you’re a good friend too.
SIAH
No. Too late.
It’s too late. It should’ve come natural but it didn’t.
ZAC
Come on Siah, are you really upset?
SIAH
No. Not really.
But it woulda been, you know, nice if your first impulse was to call me a good friend
too…
ZAC
Alright… alright…
Well, for what it’s worth.
I love you man.
SIAH sits up and looks at ZAC.

This means a lot to him.
SIAH
I love you too, man.
Pause.
ZAC
This week has sucked.
SIAH
Sucked SO HARD.
ZAC
And today has been nuts.
SIAH
You’ve got that right.
ZAC
And if I had to go through this craziness with anyone, Siah…
I’m glad it was you.
SIAH
Really?
ZAC
Really.
SIAH
Not Matthew? Not Mark?
ZAC
No.
SIAH
Luke or John?
ZAC
Not even Luke or John.
SIAH
Judas?
ZAC and SIAH

Fuck that guy.
SIAH and ZAC share a chuckle.

Beat.
The look on SIAH’s face shifts.
SIAH
But…
ZAC
What?
SIAH
Why Fuck Judas?
(Quick pause)
I used the wrong words. Let me rephrase that.
Why should Judas be fucked?
(Quick pause)
Still wrong. Let me think.
…
What I mean is… why are we so mad at Judas?
ZAC
WHY ARE WE SO MAD AT JUDAS!?
SIAH
I know. IknowIknow.
I know he betrayed JC and that betrayal led to Christ man’s death.
But like…
Pause.
ZAC
But like - what?
SIAH
Waitwaitwait…. I’m still formulating my thought… It’s a new thought… I’m drunk…
We’re drunk…
Silence.
Beat.
A light bulb look on SIAH’s face.
SIAH (cont’d)
Oh…
OhWow…
ZAC
What?
SIAH
That actually makes a lot of sense.
ZAC
What? What are you talking about?
SIAH
What if Judas was doing what we’re doing?
ZAC
What we are doing? What we are doing is nothing like what JUDAS DID.
SIAH
No but… Follow me…
What if – like us – Judas was making sure Jesus’ words came true?
ZAC
What are you –
SIAH
Look, Zac, I know you were supposed to be a part of the 12.
ZAC
That fool took my spot.
SIAH
I know –
ZAC
He messed with the votes and we all know it.
SIAH
But, just, set that aside for a second.
In his speech, Jesus said -
I am going to Jerusalem.
And I am going to be crucified.
…
…
Someone had to do it.
Pause.
ZAC
Are you trying to tell me that Judas betrayed Jesus for Jesus?
SIAH
I’m just saying it’s not out of the question…
ZAC thinks on this.
SIAH (cont’d)
And if it is true.
That Judas was doing this to help Jesus out.
Heck if Jesus asked Judas to do this… If any of that is true –
Judas must be going through hell right now.
ZAC
IF any of that is true.
SIAH
I know it’s an “if” but I’m just saying…
Shoot, for all we know it could’ve been one of us and the only reason Jesus didn’t ask us
to do it was because we fell asleep before Judas did.
ZAC
Judas always had trouble sleeping…
SIAH
Imagine being in that position.
Everyone blaming you for all of this when you were just doing what Jesus wanted you to
do.
ZAC
I’d want to kill myself.
SIAH
Yeah, me too.
Quick beat.
SIAH (cont’d)
But if he just betrayed Jesus for selfish reasons –
ZAC
Then fuck that guy….
SIAH and ZAC lie down on the floor

on either side of Jesus in a Body Bag.
SIAH
I’m tired…
ZAC
Me too…
SIAH
But we’re almost there.
One more day of adventure…
ZAC
Zac and Siah on another adventure…
SIAH
Zac and Siah… on one more mission with our boy Jesus.
ZAC
One last mission…
SIAH lifts up an imaginary glass.
ZAC (cont’d)
What are you doing?
SIAH
A toast! We’re out of wine so…
Come on, lift your glass!
ZAC plays along and lifts up his

imaginary glass.
SIAH (cont’d)
To Zac.
Siah.
And Jesus in a Body Bag!
ZAC and SIAH toast.

Scene Seven
“I guess I’m like a prophet now.”
ZAC and SIAH travel for their third

and final day. After some time they
freeze. They look up. They made it.
The Narzo cave.
ZAC and SIAH are panting, tired.

They slowly put the body bag down
to the ground.
ZAC
Is this it? Is this The Narzo cave?
SIAH
I think so… Wait. Lemme –
ZAC
What are you – ?
SIAH runs over to the opening of the

Narzo cave and runs inside.
SIAH runs back out.
SIAH
I wanted to make sure it was actually a cave.
Good news. It’s a cave.
ZAC
… Thanks.
SIAH
Yep. It’s important we know it’s a cave cause if it’s not, where are we hide him?
ZAC
Hide…
SIAH runs back to ZAC and the body

bag.
SIAH
Alright. Time to put him in there. You ready?
Without waiting for ZAC to respond,

SIAH picks up his side of the body
bag. ZAC does not move.
SIAH (cont’d)
Zac?
No response.
SIAH (cont’d)
Did you hear me?
No response.
SIAH (cont’d)
You don’t have to worry, it’s a cave! I checked.
Zac are you – ?
ZAC
Should we do this?
SIAH
What?
ZAC
Are we doing the right thing?
SIAH
Zac, what are you talking about?
ZAC
I didn’t think we’d actually make it out here without getting caught.
SIAH
I know. But we did! Here we are!
ZAC
And now that we’re here… I’m not sure we’re doing the right thing.
SIAH
Zachary, of course we’re doing the right –
ZAC
This is a lie.
…
We are lying.
…
And weren’t we taught not to lie?
Pause.
SIAH
But bringing the fish and water to those people…
The wine into water!
Weren’t those kind of lies too?
ZAC
No.
SIAH
How is that different?
ZAC
Jesus never told them he had magic powers to do things.
He just called what would happen.
I will feed this whole village – he did that.
I will turn water into wine – he did that.
He never claimed magic.
He never hid the tricks.
He just presented the good news and the facts.
(Beat)
How do we justify this?
SIAH
…
Ok…
But what about preserving the good news?
ZAC
I’m not talking about preserving the good news.
SIAH
And the teachings?
ZAC
What about them? In fighting for the teachings, shouldn’t we also uphold those
teachings?
SIAH
But sometimes you got to do what you got to do.
ZAC
No. That’s not good enough.
SIAH
Good enough for who?
ZAC
Good enough for Jesus. Good enough for God.
Good enough for us.
We are telling people that Jesus died for us.
SIAH
He did –
ZAC
AND that he rose from the dead after three days.
Three days.
Jesus is right here.
On the ground in front of us.
This is a lie.
Silence.
SIAH
But we’re not telling anyone that he rose from the dead.
ZAC
What?
SIAH
Jesus did.
ZAC
Siah…
SIAH
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t said shit about him rising from the dead because I
don’t wanna sound like a dumbass.
ZAC
What are you getting at?
SIAH
No one asked us if Jesus rose from the dead.
No one asked us where Jesus was.
Heck, for some weird reason, no one asked us what we were doing with this damn body
bag!
But if they did… then we could have spoken the truth.
We are not lying here.
ZAC
No –
SIAH
Think about it.
Right now people are talking about Jesus crucifixion.
People are talking about whether or not he will rise from the dead three days later.
Now. Those people are going back to the cave where Jesus was buried and they are
going to see that his body is gone.
That is a fact. His body is not there.
Whether or not those people think he rose from the dead – that’s not our problem.
That’s their truth.
ZAC
It’s a lie.
SIAH
It is not a lie.
ZAC
It’s not a fact.
SIAH
It’s an…
Alternative… Fact.
Pause.
ZAC
That is the stupidest thing anyone’s ever said.
SIAH
Hey – I thought I was your friend.
ZAC
Just because you’re my friend, that doesn’t mean you can’t say stupid things.
(Pointing to the body bag:)
Case in point our friend over here.
I will die on that cross!
I will rise from the dead!
SIAH
Well look Zac, I don’t know if it’s a lie or not –
ZAC
It is a lie –
SIAH
Even so –
…
I think it’s the right thing to do.
We worked so hard.
We worked so hard to make this world a better place.
To make people more compassionate to one another.
To understand one another.
To help the poor.
To lift up those in need…
We helped a lot of people.
…
And I think those people need Jesus to rise from the dead.
Because if he doesn’t rise.
Then they just lost a friend.
Maybe the only friend they ever had.
The only person to ever reach out and ask them if they were ok.
…
…
If we’re not just doing this for Jesus.
If you’re not just doing this for me.
Let’s do this for them.
For the people who need the good news.
Who need the good guy to win for once…
Silence.
SIAH (cont’d)
Well it you’re going to stop here. I’m gonna keep on going. With or without you.
SIAH picks up the body bag with

great difficulty, by himself.
ZAC’s body begins to shake in place

as SIAH struggles to drag Jesus’ body
into the cave.
Eventually, SIAH gets the body bag

inside the cave leaving ZAC alone –
still shaking. Grief, indecision,
confusion and fear wash over his
face.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The silence is broken by the sound of

footsteps running and panting.
The sound breaks ZAC’s trance and

he turns to see JOSHUA who has just
run in.
ZAC
Oh…
JOSHUA
FUCK YOU!!!
ZAC
Josh…
JOSHUA
FUCK YOU!
JOSHUA pushes ZAC.
JOSHUA
FUCK YOU!
JOSHUA pushes ZAC again.
JOSHUA
FUCK YOU!
ZAC
SIAH!!!!!
JOSHUA
How could you do this to me?
JOSHUA pushes ZAC again, this time

ZAC falls to the ground.
ZAC
I… I’m sorry.
JOSHUA
Fuck you. I’m sorry.
I stopped drinking!
ZAC
I’M SORRY!
JOSHUA
And now – you’re trying to fuck up my job too!?
ZAC
No!
JOSHUA
What is wrong with you!?
ZAC
I don’t know. A lot.
JOSHUA
My wife said she would take me back if I got my life back on track.
ZAC
That’s – that’s good! Right?
JOSHUA
And I JUST moved back in!
ZAC
Oh…
JOSHUA
All I had to do was guard Jesus’ body and…
And then YOU!
ZAC
Siah…
JOSHUA
Now I’m going to lose Magda again…
ZAC
Your wife will be fine!
JOSHUA
MAGDA’S NY DAUGHTER!!!
ZAC
SIAH!!!!
JOSHUA jumps on ZAC and starts

punching him.
JOSHUA
WHERE IS THE BODY!?!?!?
SIAH emerges.
SIAH
Joshua!
JOSHUA looks up and sees SIAH.

JOSHUA
AND YOU!
FUCK YOU!
SIAH
OH NO….
JOSHUA
TELL ME WHERE THE BODY IS!!!!
JOSHUA runs up to SIAH and tackles

him down.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
I NEED JESUS’ BODY!
I NEED JESUS’ BODY!
JOSHUA pins SIAH to the ground and

begins to punch him.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
I CAN’T LOSE ANOTHER JOB!!!!
Lights shift.
What proceeds is a prolonged melee.
We watch JOSHUA proceed to fight

ZAC and SIAH but not fully
succeeding as there are two of them
and one of him.
We watch JOSHUA try to run to the

cave but ZAC and SIAH do everything
they can to stop him.
The fight is long.

The fight is violent.
The fight is bloody.
The fight is disturbing.
No sound underscoring this, just the

sound of three tired men fighting out
of desperation.
After JOSHUA has fallen but stood

back up enough times…
SIAH
Joshua, please stop…
JOSHUA
Why did you do this to me?
ZAC
I’m sorry.
SIAH
We can’t keep doing this.
JOSHUA
I can’t mess this up.
SIAH
I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
JOSHUA
YOU’VE HURT ME EVEN MORE THAN YOU THINK!
I trusted you.
I trusted both of you.
I just needed some food and some water…
That’s all…
I was left to guard that cave for three straight days with no care about my needs.
I’m human too right?
SIAH
You are…
JOSHUA
You took advantage of me.
You knew about my past.
About my struggles…
And you used that against me.
What happened to blessed are the meek? Huh?
ZAC
Joshua… We’re sorry…
JOSHUA
Can’t a person change?
(Breathing harder:)
Can’t a person change?
(Losing control:)
CAN’T A PERSON CHANGE!?
AHHHH!!!!!
JOSHUA charges at ZAC and SIAH

again and right as he brings one of
them to the ground there is a sudden
flash of light and a cacophony of
sound that engulfs the stage.
The light and sounds freeze all three

men to the floor. Breathing. Panting.
Feeling the pain of their wounds.
JOSHUA
What was that?
ZAC
I don’t know.
JOSHUA
WHAT WAS THAT!?
ZAC
I don’t know…
JOSHUA
Did you see that?
SIAH nods his head.
SIAH
Did you hear that?
ZAC
Yeah.
JOSHUA
So did I.
Silence.
Slowly, each of them stand up.
Beat.
The three men look at each other.

They nod.
ZAC, SIAH and JOSHUA, beaten,

battered and bruised, walk into the
cave to see if Jesus’ body is still
there.
Blackout.
Silence.
Suddenly we see the world

disappear. We are left with a bare
stage. All that’s left is ZAC, SIAH and
JOSHUA and their words.
PROJECTION:
The Gospel According to Josiah
SIAH
We got into the cave and I swear something was up. Something was different.
The other two couldn’t see it but I could.
Cause you see – Jesus’ body moved.
He didn’t move in front of us or anything but Jesus’ body was not where I left it.
It was in a completely different place.
And I don’t know why it stopped where it did but I think – honestly – maybe it wasn’t for
our eyes to see. Maybe Jesus’ resurrection was a private affair and right when he was in
the middle of it, three dopes interrupted the whole thing and it all had to come to a
halt.
But honestly, I’d seen enough.

Jesus didn’t need us.
We didn’t need to go through all this trouble to ruin poor Joshua’s life.
Jesus had it under control the entire time.

I had seen enough.
As we walked out of that cave I knew – Jesus was rising from the dead.
PROJECTION:
The Gospel According to Zachary
ZAC
I don’t know what the noise and light show was about outside of the cave but when we
got in there… there it was. Just as I had seen it a few minutes before.
Jesus’ dead body.
To be honest it was a little silly to see just how little of the way Siah was able to carry
the body into the cave. Like, it was practically still at the entrance.
I shouldn’t make fun of him he must’ve been tired. We’d been through…
(Deep breath:)
A lot…
But there the body was.
In all of his glory.
All of his sadness.
All of his pride.
All of his defeat.
Looking at his face made me so sad.

And after some time… that sadness became something else.
Something else entirely.
My sadness turned into… understanding.
I got it.
He was tired.
He did give up.
He did do this because he didn’t want to live anymore.
…
But at the same time I realized… he was telling the truth.
Jesus was telling the truth.
Jesus committed suicide. Yes.
But that suicide was exactly what Siah thought…
It was so we could believe that deep down in our hearts.
No matter how hard things got.
No matter how much it felt like the world was beating on our shoulders…
There was at least one man… who cared about us… who loved us…
Who would give his life for us…
PROJECTION:
The Gospel According to Joshua.
JOSHUA
We all ran into the cave which was pretty surprising because we had just been through a
hell of a fight and honestly, before I found them outside of Narzo, all I could think about
was how hungry I was.
As soon as we got in, Zac and Siah saw the body and ran to it.
Even though I knew I needed to take it back, I wanted to give them some space with it
to, I don’t know, say goodbye one last time or something?
Pay their respects.
Even though everything has been so crazy and so messed up.
That was still their friend, you know?
So I stepped aside and I tried to count how many days it had been since I had eaten
those delicious figs. The adrenaline kept me going so hard when I was chasing after
those guys so I honestly lost count… It was a long trip.
…
Then I looked back at the two of them with the body and I realized.
I was sort of disappointed.
I know I wasn’t Jesus’ homeboy like those two or even one of his followers but…
How fuckin’ cool would it have been if he really was able to rise from the dead?
How cool would it be for someone to just tell the rich pigs and the corrupt government
that they were literally going to hell – and then pull it off.
A disappearing trick
It would’ve been awesome.
And then –
A really loud and echo-ey stomach

grumble reverberates throughout
the cave.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
My stomach grumbled.
Embarrassing.
I looked down at my tummy.
Then looked up where the guys were.
And they were still huddled where they were before but…
Right in front of me…
Looking into my eyes…
Was Jesus Christ.
…
…
I asked Jesus – if you’re really the son of God, then why did he let you die like that?
And he answered – there are a lot of things about the world that you don’t understand.
And at first I thought, that’s a pretty rude thing to say to someone.
But then I really thought about it and realized… he’s right.
There are a lot of things about the world I don’t understand.
A lot of things about this world just don’t make sense.
Then Jesus put his hand on my shoulder and said,

Thank you for being my child.
Blessed are the meek.
And you, my child… are blessed.
Then Jesus looked at me, hugged me, and walked away…
Just like that.
(Beat)
So I guess, I’m like a prophet now, or something.
That’s pretty cool.
Blackout.
Fin.

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Zac and Siah or, Jesus in a Body Bag 1

4th Draft - Last Revised On: 11/12/20

Zac and Siah

Copyright © 2018 by Jeffrey Lo. All Rights Reserved.

I ain’t here to argue about his facial features

I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven

Hurry up with my damn croissants

I miss the old Kanye.

For the Catholic priest at

You looked like Jackie Chan

You were super cool

You may not want it,

CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance):

Zac and Siah or, Jesus in a Body Bag

Lights rise on ZAC in front of his

After some time passes we hear a

SIAH runs on stage.

SIAH runs past ZAC and offstage.

SIAH walks into ZAC’s house and

ZAC looks away from SIAH.

SIAH puts his arms out like he is on a

ZAC starts to enter his home.

Late the same night.

The two sit in silence.

And I know that’s what he claims to have wanted.

ZAC breaks down into tears.

SIAH approaches ZAC to comfort

SIAH works real hard to not laugh.

I started thinking about...

SIAH stops laughing for a half

J’s pep talk turned into a pep rally.

SIAH starts to imitate Jesus.

Until Peter was like –

SIAH bursts into laughter.

SIAH lets out a yelp. Howard Dean’s

But don’t you worry.

SIAH, as the crowd, gasps.

SIAH suddenly stops.

SIAH stares at ZAC.

When he was teaching us.

ZAC stops himself.

A lone guard, JOSHUA, outside the

JOSHUA looks at the large rock

SIAH scopes out JOSHUA.

SIAH puts on a faux-casual strut and

SIAH pretends to just notice JOSHUA.

JOSHUA jumps to his feet.

As JOSHUA talks, ZAC enters

JOSHUA quickly straightens up.

ZAC has an idea and exits.

SIAH lets out a sigh.

SIAH runs off.

SIAH runs off again.

JOSHUA starts to hum in the tune of

JOSHUA laughs at himself.

ZAC’s footsteps can be heard.

JOSHUA, startled, jumps up.

ZAC throws his hands to the sky.

JOSHUA is suddenly calm and not on

I know right? THIRTY! Hah!

ZAC pulls out a fig.

JOSHUA freezes upon sight of the fig.

ZAC fakes thinking hard about it.