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Boys Who Punch Holes in Wall

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Lex Joyc

Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2022 Scrip

Lex Joyc
lexjoycecreative@gmail.com
+44 7534 586597

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CAST OF CHARACTERS
KIERAN (18, straight, “lads lad”, well meaning but
emotionally volatile, learning to be vulnerable

MAX (18, gay, artsy, energetic but insecure, learning to


stand up for himself

Location: Max’s Bedroom in Kieran and Max’s Shared Uni


Flat, Edinburgh Scotland. The set may be as detailed or
as minimal as the production sees fit

PRODUCTION NOTES

The text is set in Edinburgh, Scotland as this is where


the original production took place. The play may be kept
as written or may be adapted to whichever location the
production takes place and with it, the cultural
references and slang may be changed. (For example; ‘Hibs
Football Club’ may be changed to ‘Man United’ and ‘gaff’
to ‘party’). Dialogue may be slightly altered to fit
local dialect and the performers own speech. Both must
have regional ‘working-class’ accents

The music mentioned in the script is the music used in


the original production and should be taken as
suggestions but may be changed.

Any major changes should be discussed with the writer.



:

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 2.

LIGHTS UP

INT. MAX’S BEDROOM - LATE EVENIN

We open on Max’s bedroom. Across the back wall, we see


wallpaper strewn with posters of various pop stars,
photos of friends and a string of fairy lights across the
top. Downstage right is a table with makeup items, a
mirror and a bluetooth speaker. Upstage left, an arm
chair (D.N. or bed if stage allows

From the speaker we hear a the type of current pop song


that would play at a gay club (‘Bury It’ by CHVRCHES

Enter Max, wearing a crop top and shorts with a makeup


look of intricately applied glitter. He enters, dancing
and lip-syncing along to the song, touching up his makeup
in the mirror. (Max can have fun with this

MA
(shouting over the
music
KIERAN?

He continues dancing

Max then turns the music down

MA
(yelling
KIERAAAAAAN

Enter Kieran (19, lads-lad, the two look like chalk and
cheese), wearing a football shirt and trackies. He looks
like he’s just gotten out of bed. He drags his feet

KIERA
Whaaat? The fuck you yelling for

Max turns off the music. He doesn’t turn to look at him.

MA
What time is the Uber coming and
do I have time for a piss

Beat

KIERA
Oh. I dunno

MA
Huh

KIERA
I’ve not booked it
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 3.

MA
What
(turning to him
Why are you not dressed? We have
ten minutes

Kieran responds with an unenthusiastic “I dunno” sound

MA
Mate, c’mon

Kieran flops down in the chair

KIERA
Here, look, mate. I think I’m
gonna pass on tonight

MA
You what

KIERA
I dunno, I’m just not feeling up
to it

MA
(exasperated
Come on! Don’t do this. Astrid
will have a fit if you don’t show
up

KIERA
I know but… I’m just gonna pass.
Sorry

Max gives a look that says “Are you joking?”

MA
I’m not accepting that. Sorry
Sit down, I’ll do your makeup
quickly

Max moves to the pile of make up and starts rooting


through it

KIERA
(mumbled
Seriously. Don’t bother

MA
It’s not going to be perfect but I
think I can manage. Can you order
the Uber, please

KIERA
(firm
I’m not going
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 4.

MA
Why

KIERA
I dunno, I just…

MA
You’re not ditching your
girlfriend’s party because you
“don’t fancy it”
(referring to makeup
Do you want blue? Purple

KIERA
Max

Max drops the make-up and crosses to Kieran

MA
(desperate
Please don’t leave me to go to
this alone. I don’t know anyone
there.

KIERA
Isn’t that lad you were talking to
going? The rugby player

MA
(suddenly
uncomfortable
Declan? Oh… no. No. He’s not
going

KIERA
Oh… shame. Did something happen? I
thought you liked him

MA
No, it’s fine. But it means I’ll
be on my own and no offence but I
really don’t wanna run into your
football mates alone

KIERA
Ha! They’re not going
You’ll be fine on your own. You
could make friends in an empty
room

MA
What’s gotten into you? You’re
normally up for a gaff

Kieran shrugs
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 5.

MA
Did the lads said something

KIERA
Look, can we just drop it

MA
I knew it. I swear to God

KIERA
They didn’t say anything. I just

MA
(Puppy dog eyes
Please! One drink. We can show
face and sneak out and walk back
with a kebab. Seriously, I’ll pay.

Beat

KIERA
(resentful
Fine

MA
(exasperated
Thank God for the free kebab.
Right, I can do a quick shitty
makeup job on you and we can still
make it

KIERA
Oh- um… it’s fine. We can just go

MA
No, come on. We can be a couple
minutes late

Kieran gets up and tries to move for the door

KIERA
(fumbling his words
No, seriously. Astrid will get
pissy if we’re late

MA
She’ll get pissy if you show up to
her glitter gaff with no glitter.
I mean she’s gonna go all out so
you need to match her

KIERA
Max, please

MA
Just sit there
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 6.

KIERA
(stern
I don’t want to

Beat

MA
Is that what this is
C’mon! It’s a bit of makeup. It’s
hardly Drag Race

KIERA
That’s not what
Seriously, let’s just go

MA
Okay, and what are you gonna tell
Astrid when you rock up like that?
That “Big Man” was too scared to
put on a bit of makeup

KIERA
I’m not fucking scared.

MA
If you’re going, you have to wear
it

KIERA
Fine, I just won’t go then

MA
For fuck’s sake. Just put it on. I
don’t see what the big deal is

KIERA
The big deal is I don’t want that
shit all over my face

MA
It’s a party, it’s not that deep

KIERA
(pointed
Yeah, maybe not for you

MA
(stunned
What’s that supposed to mean

KIERA
I mean I’m not fucking wearing it.
It’s embarrassing

MA
Seriously?! Grow up
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 7.

KIERA
Shut up. I just said I’m not
fucking wearing it. I’m not going
out looking like

MA
Like what

KIERA
(Biting
Nothing

MA
No. Go on. Like what? You’re not
going out like what

KIERA
Max, I swear to god

MA
No, please go ahead. Finish that
sentence. You don’t want to look
like what?

KIERA
Like a freak. Okay? I’m not
putting that shit on my face and
getting myself covered in makeup
and sparkles to get the pish
ripped out of me. It’s fucking
embarrassing.

MA
I knew it
Oh my god, get over yourself

KIERA
LET IT GO
Why do you care so fucking much

MA
I care because, you come in here
in a pissy mood, throw a fucking
temper tantrum, decide you’re so
above all of this

KIERA
ALL I SAID WAS I’M NOT FUCKING

In a rage , Kieran punches a hole straight through the


back wall.

There is a moment of silence. A long moment

Max is frozen, scared. Kieran seethes in pain but doesn’t


remove his hand
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 8.

KIERA
(through gritted
teeth
Fuck

MA
What the FUCK was that for

KIERA
(under his breath, to
himself
Shit. Dickhead

MA
What is wrong with you

KIERA
(to himself, not
listening
Idiot

MA
Yeah, no shit! That’s my fucking
wall.

KIERA
(gritted teeth
Yes, I know

MA
(berating
I hope you know how to fix that.
And we can wave goodbye to the
deposit. You are such a child,
Kieran. Why do you have to be such
an arsehole about everything

KIERA
(eyes shut tight in
pain
ALRIGHT! Enough! I’m sorry. I’m
sorry about the sodding wall. Now
can you

He suddenly seethes in pain

KIERA
Argh

MA
Jesus Christ, take it out

Kieran braces himself, takes a second and pulls his hand


out of the wall. It’s covered in blood
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 9.

KIERA
(pained
ARRRRGHHHH

Kieran keeps his eyes closed, not bearing to look at the


damage

MA
(stunned
Fucking hell

Kieran opens his eyes to see the state of his fist

Max reaches out to look at it but Kieran pulls away


instinctively

KIERA
Leave it. It’s fine

MA
It’s not fine. You’ve properly
broken it

KIERA
It’s fine

Max ignores him. He takes his hand and opens it up.


Kieran winces

MA
(under his breath
Jesus
(To Kieran
You’re such an idiot. You’re lucky
there wasn’t a nail or something
in there. Why did you

KIERA
(soft, panicked
I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m
such a cunt. I wasn’t thinking and
I’m sorry about your wall. I’m a
fucking idiot. I’m gonna get it

MA
Hey, Kieran! Kieran! It’s okay.
It’s okay. We’ll take you to the
hospital and we’ll worry about it
when we’re back

Kieran retracts

KIERA
I’m not going to the hospital

MA

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 10.

Yes, you are. Are you joking?


Kieran, look at it

KIERA
I’m not going. It’s fine

MA
I’m not arguing with you. We’re
going to A&E

KIERA
It’s okay. I can take care of
myself. Just go to Astrid’s and
have a good night

MA
I’m obviously not going now. You
need help

KIERA
Stop worrying about me. I’m fine.
Just leave me alone

Beat

MA
I think I have a first-aid kit. Go
wash your hand

Max goes to rummage through his stuff. Kieran doesn’t


move

MA
(looking back
Go on

KIERA
(rolling eyes
Is that going to shut you up

MA
(laughing
I’m not doing this for me. My
hand’s fine. Go

Kieran huffs and leaves. Max continues to rummage and


finds his first aid kit

He sits on the floor and stares at the hole in the wall

MA
(muttering
Bellend

After a moment, Kieran re-enters with his hand wrapped in


a towel. He grips it, wincing. He sits down in the chair
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 11.

Max opens the kit, pulls out a bandage, and goes over to
kneel by Kieran

MA
Okay, let’s see if I can remember
this from Scouts. Open your hand

Kieran does so, groaning in pain

MA
So you can move it which I think
means it's not broken

Max begins to slowly wrap his hand

Kieran stares at the wall, thinking

KIERA
Can you not tell anyone about
this

MA
(jokingly
Sure. We’ll just deny all
knowledge of the hole

KIERA
I’m serious. Especially not
Astrid. She’s going to freak

MA
Why? It’s not her flat
Don’t move

KIERA
I don’t know. She’s just gonna be
disappointed. Like “I told you
so.”… y’know

Max doesn’t respond

KIERA
She thinks I’m too… aggressive.
Too angry or whatever

MA
She said that to you

KIERA
Pretty much. She’ll take one look
at that and be like “I told you.
Go to therapy. Man up and stop
having temper tantrums.

MA
Well… maybe she’s right
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 12.

KIERA
Mate

MA
I mean about therapy. You
considered it? It might do you
some good

KIERA
Don’t you start. I’m fine. It was
a dumb mistake and I’m not going
to do it again

Max finishes up Kieran’s hand and puts the kit away

KIERAN (CONT.
I’ll fix it

MA
(vaguely mocking
Ha! Sure, of course you will. And
how you going to do that? You
gonna rebuild it yourself. Get
your - I don’t even know what’s in
a wall

KIERA
Plaster

MA
Sure, plaster or whatever? You
going to insulate it too, Big Man

KIERA
Okay, thank you! You’ve made your
point

Beat

KIERA
You can go if you want. I’m fine.
You’re not going to be too late

MA
I told you, I’m not going. Not
without you. And you’re definitely
not going

KIERA
Astrid’s going to flip

MA
You’re hand’s fucked. I think
she’ll get it

KIERA
Will she
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 13.

Beat

MA
What are you going to tell her

KIERA
(groaning
Ugh, God! I don’t even know. Every
option ends with her freaking out
and breaking up with me

MA
Break up? Seriously?

Kieran shrugs

MA
You guys okay

KIERA
I don’t know. I’m pretty sure this
gaff was like a test of some kind…
y’know, to get me to be less
“manly” or whatever

MA
You think she’d do that

KIERA
I don’t know! But she keeps saying
I need to stop trying to me so
like… aggressive… all the time. I
don’t get that? Since when was
being a normal lad an issue

MA
I don’t think that’s what she
means. It’s not an issue but like…
y’know… you broke my wall coz you
didn’t want to look even slightly
feminine… y’know

Max shrugs awkwardly

Kieran doesn’t respond

He tries to get up but struggles with one hand. He winces


in pain. Max goes to help but

KIERA
It’s okay. I’ve got it

Max hesitantly goes to sit back down as Kieran fumbles to


his feet

Pause
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 14.

MA
I mean, in hindsight it should
have been obvious you guys were
having issues. Your Spotify is
public and nobody listens to that
much Taylor Swift without it being
a cry for help

KIERA
Astrid likes her

MA
Mate, you had some deep cuts on
there. All Too Well? You must have
had some serious emotional
problems

KIERA
She’s a… good songwriter

MA
(teasing
Hey, you don’t have to defend
yourself. But I’m warning you now,
if I hear you listen to Folklore
one more time, I’m putting you in
therapy myself

Beat

MA
Why didn’t you tell me

Kieran shrugs

MA
Did you tell anyone? The lads

KIERA
Ha! Fuck no. I’d just get the pish
ripped out of me

MA
So, what? You just weren’t going
to tell anyone

KIERA
It’s not other people’s problem. I
can sort it out myself

MA
Doesn’t mean you should have to
suffer quietly though. You’re
allowed to share stuff
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 15.

KIERA
What? Kinda like how you shared
with me that you and Declan broke
up

Max doesn’t respond. Gotcha

KIERAN (CONT.
I can put two and two together.
Were you going to tell me about
that

MA
That’s… different

KIERA
How is that any different

No response. Kieran goes down to sit by Max on the floor

KIERA
When did you guys break up

MA
Like a month or so ago

Beat. Kieran is in shock

KIERA
I’m sorry… a MONTH?! You broke up
with your boyfriend and kept it
from me for a fucking month? Max,
what the hell? Why didn’t you tell
me

Max makes an “I dunno” noise

MA
I just… felt weird telling you. I
guess. I just didn’t… feel
comfortable

KIERA
Eh? You can tell me anything, you
know that

MA
Yeah but… I dunno. It’s stupid.
It doesn’t matter anyway. It was
ages ago

KIERA
But it clearly still matters to
you. Can you tell me now

Beat. Max considers then


?

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 16.

MA
(half-cringing
I just… didn’t feel like we were
really going out. Y’know

KIERA
What do you mean

MA
Okay… um… he was this really cool,
tall, athletic rugby player and
y’know, I thought that’s what I
wanted. But, oh my God, was
actually like talking to drywall.
He just did not know how to hold
any kind of proper conversation.
And on the off chance I’d actually
get a sign of human emotion it’d
be in the form of like, this huge
emotional bomb-drop. Like all this
stuff about his dad and his family
and his mates and shit all at
once. And I’m there like “I’m glad
you’re talking to me but I’m your
boyfriend, not your fucking
therapist”

He slumps back in frustration and turns to Kieran who is


giving his full attention. Kieran nods to go on

MAX (CONT.
But, I guess that’s the thing. I
wasn’t is boyfriend. Y’know, he
wasn’t even out. Which like, thats
fine, do it in your own time. But
it meant; he’d constantly be
checking for his mates when we
were on a date and I never met his
parents. I was just someone he got
to have sex with when he fancied
it. I was-like- just some dirty
little secret

He heaves a sigh. This was a weight off his chest

KIERA
God, he sounds like a prick

MA
Yeah… I guess he was.

KIERA
Is that why I never met him

Max hesitates
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 17.

MA
(half-true
Um… kinda. A little bit

KIERA
You know… as much as he was a
dickhead, I’d still liked to have
met him.
(joking
Maybe then I could have warned
you

MA
Yeah right! You two would have got
on like a house on fire

KIERA
So why didn’t I meet him then

Bea

MA
(hesitantly
I guess I just… didn’t feel
comfortable. Sharing that part

KIERA
Sharing it with everyone or just
me

Max goes to respond. He doesn’t

KIERA
(instantly realising,
getting up
What the fuck, man? Are you
serious?

MA
It’s not like a personal thing.
Well… not totally. Your my best
mate

KIERA
Yeah, well it doesn’t seem like
it. Did I do something wrong

MA
No I
There’s just this part of me that
feels like I need to… hide my
gayness around you. Like I’m
trying to dodge it or avoid it

KIERA
What are you on about? We’re best
pals?
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 18.

MA
I’m just being honest. I don’t
like talking about gay stuff with
you coz I feel like you’ll like…
think less or me for it

KIERA
Are you trying to call me a
fucking homophobe? I don’t care
that you’re gay, man. Don’t make
me out to be some kind of… I don’t
know… bigot
Where’s this coming from

MA
That’s not what I’m saying

KIERA
It’s what you meant

MA
Kieran, shut up and listen to me.
Please

Beat. Kieran calms himself, suppressing his anger. He


sits down

MA
You said that you didn’t want to
go to the party ‘cause you didn’t
want to look like “a freak”

KIERA
(realising
That’s not

MAX (CONT.
I know what that meant. I’m not
stupid. You were terrified of
looking gay. Looking like me… a
freak

KIERA
You’re putting words in my mouth

MA
Fine, but it’s not the only thing.
Your mates, the lads. They are
only ever round when I’m not here.
Like you try and hide me. Cause
God forbid you be mates with a gay
guy because I’ll like give you my
gay or something

KIERA
Don’t be stupid. That’s not true
at all. You hate the lads
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 19.

MA
And have you ever stopped to think
why

Kieran is brought to a halt

KIERA
Yeah, I know. They make dumb jokes
but they don’t mean anything by
it. They’re sound… honest

MA
Except they do mean it. And I hear
it

KIERA
(sighing
… I know. But that’s not me. You
know that

MA
But do they know that

Do you stick up for me

Kieran doesn’t have a response

MAX (CONT.
I don’t care about them but I care
about you

You know, you are just as bad as


Declan. In fact, you’re actually
worse because you’re supposed to
be my best friend

Beat. Nobody says anything. Kieran is stunned silent,


heartbroken

Max stands awkwardly then

MA
(deflated
I’m gonna get a drink

He goes to leave but

KIERA
Wait

I’m sorry

Kieran stands up. Max hesitates to move


Boys[…] Lex Joyce 20.

KIERA
(awkward and
fumbling
Genuinely, I’m sorry. I never want
you to feel like I don’t care
about you because I do. A lot.

Max just stares

KIERAN (CONT.
My friends can be dickheads; they
can take it too far. I know that.

MA
So why do you hang out with them

KIERA
They’re not bad people. I dunno.
They’re… they’re the lads. They’re
still my mates

MA
Do they care about you

KIERA
Yeah! Obviously

MA
So… then why didn’t you tell them
about Astrid

KIERA
They’re not those kinds of people.
Emotional like. They don’t get it.
They’d just take the piss out of
me

MA
Right

KIERA
No, but like, in a mate way.
That’s how they show they care. I
mean, you take the piss out of me
too

MA
But I’m also here to listen,
y’know? Regardless of whether you
want it, I am. I don’t do it so
much that you’re scared to come to
me… or at least I hope not

KIERA
I’m not scared; it’s just not that
deep. I don’t need to tell people
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 21.

everything. I don’t have to talk


about my problems

MA
… there’s a hole in my wall,
Kieran

Beat

KIERA
That’s
Yeah, I’m sorry

Beat

KIERA
We’ll sort it

MA
That’s not what I mean

KIERA
(desparate
I can pay to get that fixed

Max laughs, breaking the tension

MA
No, you won’t

KIERA
(full seriousness
Yes, I will! I can take
responsibility for it

MA
You still owe me money from when
we were fifteen

KIERA
… yeah, well… even still. I’ll
sort something out

MA
Kieran… just leave it

KIERA
No! I need to fix it. It’s my
responsibility

MA
I know that but

KIERA
No, I need to. Make it up to you

Beat
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 22.

KIERA
(desperate, earnest
Y’know
I shout at you, and make you feel
like shit and scare you and punch
holes in your wall. I want to make
it up to you. Show you I’m better

MA
I don’t know… maybe just… do
better then

Beat

Kieran stares at the hole. He is guilt-ridden

MA
I’m going to go get that drink…
Want anything

Kieran wants to keep talking. But

KIERA
Yeah
Um
Could you get me a can from the
fridge? Please

Max nods and quickly scampers out

Pause

Kieran stands, dejected. He stares at the wall. Emotion


builds but right before it can get out

He throws himself into the chair, furious with himself.


Pain sears up his hand and he grabs it

KIERA
ARRRGH
DICKHEAD

Max runs back in, startled. He’s clearly been crying but
he’s not concerned with that right now

MA
You okay?

KIERA
(seething
Yeah, it’s just my hand

MA
I’m taking you to the hospital.
Get your coat
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 23.

KIERA
I’m not going

MA
Yes, you are! Stop being such a
pussy about it

KIERA
I’m not being a pussy. It just
doesn’t need looking at

MA
Well, let me call 111. See what
they say

KIERA
No

MA
Why are you so scared

KIERA
(muttering
I’m not scared of shit

Max laughs

MA
(half-joking
What the fuck are you talking
about?
Kieran, I get the spiders out of
the bathroom. You made me get get
the dead mouse from under the
fridge. You triple-check the locks
when we go out. You’re allowed to
be scared of things

KIERAN
Okay, fine. I’m scared of some
things. But not this. My hand will
heal itself if I just leave it
alone. It’s my fault. I don’t need
to make it other people’s problem

MA
Y’know… you don’t have to be
scared to ask people for help,
right? People will care

Beat

KIERA
(quietly
Right

Kieran thinks for a moment then


X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 24.

KIERAN (CONT.
(purposefully making
eye contact
You know that goes both ways
right

Max freezes. They hold eye contact for a moment. Kieran


wants him to speak. Max doesn’t know what to say

He quickly breaks eye contact and rushes down to the


desk. He pulls out a packet of makeup wipes and a mirror
and sits himself on the floor. He starts to remove the
makeup from his face

Kieran watches him. Silence

KIERA
How did you get so good at that

MA
At what

KIERA
Like, all that makeup… stuff

MA
(laughing
“That makeup stuff”?
I don’t know, like Youtube and
shit. I’m still practising, it’s
not great

KIERA
What are you on about? It looks
great

I’m just curious ‘cause I’ve never


really seen you do it before

MA
I don’t really go out in it very
often. Not had the opportunity
(joking
Plus, don’t want to get hate-
crimed

Kieran doesn’t see the joke. His face drops

KIERA
… shit

MA
I’m joking

KIERA
(not convinced
Right

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 25.

Kieran gives Max a look; “are you?”

MA
I mean
(not fully convinced
himself
Mostly.
I’d probably be fine

Beat

KIERA
(trying to find the
words
Jesus… that’s… rough. Um… I’m
sorry. I don’t know - is that
appropriate

Max laughs

MA
You’re good
Y’know, it’s really endearing the
way you talk like you just
discovered homophobia exists

KIERA
(laughing
You patronising dick
(earnest
But I guess… I just never really
thought about it. Like properly.

Kieran wretches in pain again

Max goes to speak; “I’m taking you to the hospital”. But

KIERA
(knowing
Shut up, Max

MA
I didn’t say anything

Max rolls his eyes and resumes taking his makeup off

KIERA
How long does it take to get all
that off

MA
You should see how long it takes
to put on
Not quite as easy as a rolling out
of bed and rustling your hair
about
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 26.

KIERA
Ouch! Whats wrong with my hair

MA
Nothing! You make the bro-y “short
back and sides” look work

KIERA
(laughing
Oi

MA
I mean, come on! You see it right?
If I lined you and the lads up,
you’d all be in the same football
top and trackies with the same
floppy haircut. It’s like a
uniform with you guys

Kieren stands up

KIERA
Oh, there’s a “you guys” now

MA
You know what I mean. The lads

KIERA
I think that’s a pretty big
generalisation
We just don’t care that much about
what we look like. We’re not those
kinds of people

MA
You cared what you looked like
going to Astrid’s

KIERA
That’s different

MA
Oh, I know. I’m just saying, you
do care
It’s not necessarily to look nice
but its to say something. Like the
football top- it scream
(mocking, Love Island
intro-esque
“I’m a man! I play football. I
like beer, tits and beer.

KIERA
I don’t talk like that?
What are you on about? Lots of
people enjoy it. In fact, you like
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 27.

it so I don’t see why you have a


problem

Max makes a “eeeh” noise; “not really”

KIERA
What?! Why do you sit and watch it
with me then

MA
Well

Beat. He thinks and gets up

MAX (CONT.
Remember that weekend we sat and
watched a whole series of Below
Deck

KIERA
(not following
‘Coz Astrid was watching it and
wouldn’t stop talking about it

MA
Well, its kinda like that. I feel
like… I have to. If I wanna hold a
conversation with any man; lads at
work, my dad, you. If I want to
feel like one of the guys… I have
to make myself like it. Even if
it’s not made for people like me

KIERA
Why is it not for you? There are
gay footballers, y’know?

MA
Yeah, like-what?- two guys out of
hundreds. It wouldn’t be news if
it wasn’t so rare.

Beat

MAX (CONT.
Its great that they’re there and
trying to speak out but in the
end, that doesn’t change the
culture. It’s not the game; it’s
the fans. It’s what it all stands
for

KIERA
What are you on about
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 28.

MA
Well, you know. “It’s more than
just a game”! There’s this
unspoken thing. It’s this super
macho, masculine code. It’s about
being a man. A big shouty
aggressive masculine man. I mean,
why do you and the lads play it

KIERA
Because it’s about us being a
team. We’re mates and it’s what
brings us together. It’s like…
pride in being a part of
something

MA
Right. It’s about you guys- The
lads! It’s what makes you ‘the
lads’. It’s where you get out that
big manly aggression

KIERA
We’re not hooligans, mate. You
make it sound like it’s such a bad
thing. I’m sorry you don’t like
football. I don’t understand what
your point is

MA
My point is; football is a club.
An exclusive club that is a
barrier for entry on being a man
and it’s a club that I’m not
welcome in

KIERA
So… what? You want me to stop? I’m
not doing that

MA
No! What I’m saying is
D’you know how many times I
watched my Uncle punch a hole
through the wall when the Hibs
lost

Kieran is taken aback by this

MAX (CONT.
It’s this… lad culture. This way
of behaving. Where you get praised
for being aggressive. For not
talking. Well, if you and the lads
sat and had a fucking honest
conversation once in a while
instead of trying to prove how
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 29.

manly you are, then maybe my wall


wouldn’t have a hole in it and
your hand wouldn’t be broken

Kieran doesn’t respond. Max stands for a moment then goes


and puts his makeup remover away

Kieran quietly moves his hand around. He winces but he


can move it, if a little slowly. He thinks

KIERA
(trying to find the
words
Yeah

Beat

KIERAN (CONT
A few years ago now, When Hearts
beat Hibs… my Dad got so pissed he
punched a hole straight through
our TV and fucked it. Sliced up
his whole hand. He was screaming
and swearing all night. And he
made me promise I wouldn’t tell
mum. I was pretty shaken by it.
But he was just like ‘Don’t
worry, it’s just what men do’. He
was just letting off steam,
y’know

Beat. Max is a little stunned by this

MA
What happened after

KIERA
Nothing… I mean my Mum found out,
obviously; there was a massive
hole in the TV. He just bought a
new one

MA
And his hand

KIERA
(shrugs
He got me to bandage it up. Took
some convincing but he eventually
went to the hospital and got
stitches. There was, like, bits of
glass lodged in and shit. It was
grim

MA
And you still don’t think going to
the hospital is a good idea
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 30.

No response

Beat

MA
My Dad always wanted me to get
into it. Be like him. So I guess i
just sort of… pretended
eventually. I mean, it was all I
could talk about to him. I mean,
God knows he wasn’t going to talk
about his feelings

Pause. Kieran doesn’t know how to respond

Kieran stands up and takes his top off. Max notices

MA
Fuck are you doing

KIERA
(handing it to him
Put my top on

MA
You what

KIERA
(insisting
Put it on

MA
It stinks, I’m not wearing that

KIERA
Harsh
C’mon. I just want you to see
yourself in it. See yourself as
‘one of the lads’

They stand for a moment, Kieran holding out the shirt.


Max considers. He studies Kieran up and down like he’s
about to approach a bear

MA
Fine

Max takes his top off and takes the football top out of
Kieran’s hand. He begrudgingly puts it on

MA
(as he puts the top
on
Do you wear Lynx Africa

He sighs
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 31.

MA
There

KIERA
Okay… look in the mirror

Max rolls his eyes but complies. He stares at himself,


unsure how to feel

KIERA
Well, how does it feel

MA
Weird

KIERA
You could fit in on the team

MA
I don’t know about that. It’s
comfy though, I’ll give you that

Beat

He turns around to face Kieran

MA
Put mine on

He reaches down and picks up his crop top

KIERA
Nah… I’m good

Max tries to hand it to him

MA
What?! I put your sweaty shit on,
you can wear mine. It’s only fair

KIERA
It’s not the same

MA
Yes it is, you’re just being a
pussy.

KIERA
No, I’m not

MA
If I can make myself look like the
lads, you can make yourself look
like me
(pointed
You can look like a freak
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 32.

KIERA
Come on, that’s not fair

MA
Isn’t it? Put it on

Kieran’s phone rings. We hear ’22’ by Taylor Swift. They


freeze

KIERA
Shit. It’s Astrid

He scrambles to find his phone

MA
Is that your ringtone

KIERA
Shut up
Help me look

Max starts hunting

MA
Is it Taylor’s Version

Kieran glares

KIERA
Fuck off

He finds it

KIERA
Ah ha
(answering, half-
panicked
Hi sweetheart

Well, you see, there’s- um-


there’s been a small change of
plan

Yes… I… um

Yeah I know but

It’s just that… um… Max’ll


explain

Kieran thrusts the phone into Max’s hand

MA
(whispering
No. No

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 33.

KIERA
(whispering
Please. Just talk to her

MA
(whispering
She’s your girlfriend! You

Kieran pushes the phone to his ear. He has no choic

MAX (CONT.
(fake nice
Hi Astrid! How are- oh, oh, okay

Well, we were getting ready an

KIERA
(frantic, whispering
Lie! LIE

MA
Kieran… um… hurt… his hand

KIERA
NO! NO

MA
UH… yeah. Quite badly… SPRAINED
it

Kieran is freaking out. He mimes strangling Max

MA
(pointed
Have we been to the hospital?
Well, that’s a very good question
Astrid

KIERA
You’re a dick

MA
No, no! You don’t need to come
over. We’ve got it all under
control

KIERA
Hang up! Hang up

MA
Um
No, Astrid
The thing is
Um

KIERA
End it! End it! Hang up

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 34.

MA
Oh Astrid you’re. Breaking
You’re breaking up
Sorry
SORRY ASTRID
BYE

He hangs up and thrusts the phone back to Kieran

MA
You’re a dick
What was that

KIERA
I panicked

MA
You panicked?

KIERA
I just didn’t want her to have to
face
(motioning to the
wall

MA
Yeah, well I told her most of the
truth so

KIERA
You weren’t supposed to tell her
any of the truth

MA
I wasn’t supposed to get involved
but you forced me to because you
can’t face the consequences to any
of your fucking actions

KIERA
Wait, what? Don’t pin this on me

MA
Why not? It’s your fault. You are
so fucking inept at facing your
problems

KIERA
Hey, that’s not fair

MA
Really? Because you couldn’t tell
your girlfriend so I had to cover
for you. Because you’re too
fucking scared. You’re too scared
of your own emotions and how
people view you. You’re so
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 35.

desperate to be the big manly man


that you will fuck people over
instead of being vulnerable

KIERA
Lay off it, Max

MA
Why, what are you going to do?
Punch a hole in my wall

KIERA

Fuck you

MA
Go on. Prove me wrong

KIERA
You know what… you are such a
hypocrite

MA
What

KIERA
You think I’m scared to be
vulnerable? Well, you don’t tell
people shit either. You bottle up
your own emotions too because
you’re fucking embarrassed

MA
What the fuck are you talking
about? This isn’t about me

KIERA
You don’t let me in to anything
and sure, I’ve not been as good a
friend as I could have been but
I’m trying. I ask about you, I try
and you keep shutting me out

MA

KIERA
If I’m so fucking obsessed with
the idea of being a man, then what
about you? You’re gay, and you’re
not fucking macho and you think
that makes you less of a man. So
you just act all above it and make
yourself the victim instead of
maybe facing the fact that you’re
ashamed of who you are. You think
the world is going to reject you

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 36.

so you shut them out before they


get the chance

MA
You don’t know what you’re talking
about

KIERA
(growing emotional
Because you won’t let me
I don’t see how you get to act
like you’re such a fucking saint
and tell me all the things I’m
doing wrong but you don’t stop and
think about your own problems for
two fucking seconds

MA
(defensive
I don’t think I’m better than you

KIERA
Don’t you? Because you’ve spent
the last twenty minutes giving me
speeches about all my faults and
how I don’t care and make you feel
unwanted. And I’m sat here feeling
like utter shit because I’ve been
a bad friend but then you don’t
actually do anything to help

I see every eye-roll, every pity


laugh, every “you talk like you’ve
just discovered homophobia” and I
just feel fucking stupid. Do you
want me to “ do better” or do you
just want to feel superior?
Because the truth is, you are just
as scared as me! So don’t fucking
pin this all on me, you fucking
hypocrite

Max tries to find a comeback and can’t find anything.

He fumbles, growing more agitated. He punches the wall


behind him

He screams in pain and grasps his fist.

Kieran just stands and watches, holding back his own


tears

Silence

KIERA
Well, I guess that makes us even

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 37.

Max just glares at him and crumples to the floor

Silence

KIERA
Go wash it

Max just looks

KIERA
Go

Kieran helps him up and Max slowly exits

Kieran watches him leave and stands awkwardly. He picks


up Max’s crop-top, sighs, and puts it on

Max re-enters with his hand wrapped in a towel. He is


stopped dead by Kieran in the crop-top

KIERA
(half-laughing
I didn’t really want to be
shirtless for this

Kieran picks up the First Aid Kid and takes it over to


Max. He kneels and begins wrapping his hand. He struggles
as only one hand is fully flexible

Max can’t look him in the eye.

KIERA
Can you move it

Max opens and closes his hand with great difficulty,


hissing at the pain

MA
Just about

KIERA
Well… I have been informed that
that means its not broken

Max gives a ghost of a smile

Kieran finishes up and sits next to him on the floor

Max uses the other hand to wipe away the tears quickly

MA
I’m sorry

KIERA
Don’t be
.

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 38.

MA
That was fucking stupid of me

KIERA
Hey, I get it

MA
Also
I’m sorry for…

I’ve been a really shitty friend

KIERA
We both have
I think we’re wired that way

MA

Well… that’s depressing

KIERA
(shrugs
Doesn’t have to stay that way

MA
I’m sorry for making you feel like
you were stupid. You’re not.
You’re a lot more intelligent than
anybody gives you credit for

Kieran smiles bashfully

MAX (CONT.
Everything you said was right.
About me being embarrassed and
scared of rejection. I see all
these things labelled as masculine
and none of them apply to me. And
if none of them apply then am I
still a man? So I try and force it
and when that doesn’t work I just
act like I’m above it all; like it
doesn’t still sting that I’m… not
the right kind of man
And I couldn’t stand to hear any
of that said out-loud because… if
I did, then I’d have to confront
it

KIERA
Yeah… that sounds familiar

The two of them quietly chuckle at the ridiculousness of


it all

Beat

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 39.

MA
I thought you said letting your
anger out was supposed to make you
feel better

KIERA
Doesn’t it

MA
No! I feel exactly the same.
Actually, I feel worse now. Did
you feel any better

KIERA

No. I just got mad at myself

MA
Yeah
(trying to find the
funny
I mean… when they say let your
aggression out, they probably
don’t mean batter your wall down

Beat

MA
Why did we do that? Who decided
that’s what boys do? Hit and break
stuff

Kieran shrugs and laughs.

KIERA
I dunno. Like I used to watch my
Dad do it and he’d say “that’s
what men do!

Whenever he did it, it used to


scare the shit out of me. Like,
he’d just loose it and I’d be
fucking terrified. And I’d spend
the rest of the day convincing
myself that it was okay. He was
just letting it out. Like a man.
It’s awful to see someone who
makes you feel safe lash out like
that. Coz you never know where
he’s going to hit next. Like one
day he might loose control and

The wall seemed like the safest


choice to me. I had no idea what I
was going to do otherwise
I thought I’d never be like that
and I fucked that up

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 40.

Beat

MA
I think I wanted to hurt myself
more than anything. Like…
punishment

KIERA
(considering
Right

MA
So, what? Neither of us know why
we did it

Kieran shrugs

They sit with this for a moment

MA
(awkwardly
I’m sorry about your Dad… or…
Thank you for… telling me about
your Dad. I don’t really know
what’s appropriate to say.

KIERA
(shrugging
It’s okay. There was nothing
really to tel

He’s just… kind of a character

MA
Oh, he’s terrifying

For the record, I don’t think


you’re anything like him. And
you’re not gonna turn into him

KIERA
Cheers

MA
My dad’s just weird. Like he’s so
stoic all the time. I never know
what he’s thinking

And like, yeah I’m lucky he’s so


supportive- even though that
shouldn’t be lucky but it is. And
he tells me he is… supportive.
But… I don’t know… part of me just
doesn’t believe it. Like maybe if
he showed some emotion once in a
while I would but I can’t help but
feel like I’m not what he had in

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 41.

mind so there’s always this part


of him that’s going to be
disappointed

Maybe that’s why I care so much


about being a man: I want to prove
to him… to myself… that I can
still be that. That I’m not worth
giving up on

Beat

KIERA
Parents fucking suck

MA
Yeah

KIERA
I’m really lucky to have you

MA
(not sure how to
respond
… thank you. You
You mean a lot to me

Beat

Max goes to put his hand on Kieran’s leg to comfort him


but Kieran flinches

Max looks at him, concerned and then, he has an idea. He


pushes himself over to the middle of the room and kneels
upright. He takes the football top off, struggling with
one arm. He grunts in pain a little

MA
Take your top off

KIERA
(confused,
correcting
I mean… it’s your top

MA
Whatever, don’t get smart
Take it off

KIERA
… why

MA
Just do it

Kieran hesitantly complies. He similarly groans in pain


Boys[…] Lex Joyce 42.

MA
Cool. Now hug me

KIERA
(baffled
What

MA
Go on, hug me

KIERA
Why do I need my shirt off for
that? I know I said I care about
you and shit but

MA
That’s not what this is. That’s
the problem. I’ve watched you with
your mates playing football and
you’re all over each other but the
second I try and touch you, you
freak out

KIERA
Yeah, that’s different though

MA
Yeah, men have these rules that
they have to follow to be intimate
with another man otherwise it’s
sexualised and “gay”. Women hug
and touch each other all the time
and it's perfectly normal. So why
can’t we

KIERA
So why do I need to be shirtless

MA
So there isn’t… like… a barrier.
It means we can’t pull away,
y’know. You can touch another man
and have it be nothing but
platonic. We both just need a hug
right now. And it’s not gay. We’re
just friends… who hug each other
Okay

Kieran pauses. And then

KIERA
(with a deep breath
Okay
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 43.

The two of them pull each other close, allowing their


bare chests to touch and wrap their arms around each
other. It’s awkward. Instinctively, Kieran pats Max on
the back

MA
(pushing him away
No, no, no. Don’t do that

KIERA
Do what

MA
That fucking pat thing

KIERA
Eh

MA
That pat all men do when they hug.
It’s so weird

KIERA
Oh… sorry

MA
Don’t be. Just hug me properly.

They hesitate before pulling each other in tight. They’re


both tense

MA
Okay! Now… relax into it

Kieran lets out a deep breath and relaxes his shoulders.


The two of them close their eyes

Beat

Suddenly, Kieran tightens his grip around Max and begins


to cry

Max is startled by this but just holds him tighter. They


hold this for a while

Silence

Eventually, the two pull away

MA
(gently
You okay

KIERA
(nodding, wiping away
his tears
Yeah
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 44.

(earnest
Thank you

Kieran stands up and puts Max’s crop top back on

Max laughs

KIERA
(shrugging
What? I was just starting to get
used to it

He goes over to the mirror and checks himself out. Max


picks up the football top and puts it back on. He watches
Kieran

MA
(laughing but
sincere
It looks good

KIERA
Thank you

Beat

KIERAN (CONT.
(with determination
I’m sorry, I am really fucking
hot

Max bursts out laughing

MA
(laughing
Yeah, I know. It’s not fair

KIERA
Hey, trust me. You look good too

MA
Thanks

Beat

Then

Kieran fumbles around Max’s desk looking for his make up

MA
What are you doing

He grabs the pallet and turns to him with certainty

KIERA
Do my makeup
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 45.

Max laughs

Kieran sits down on the floor and pats the space next to
him

MA
For real

KIERA
For real. There are two fuck-off
holes in the wall and two broken
hands because I couldn’t get over
myself. Clearly I need to conquer
this fear sooner or later
otherwise we’re not going to have
much left to break

Max laughs

MA
Well, if I’m going to do this,
we’re going to need more than just
that so, hang tight

KIERA
There’s more?

Max, excited, gets up and roots around his table for the
correct items

MA
Oh, there’s much more

Once he’s retrieved the items, he returns, dumps it on


the floor and sits by Kieran

He begins to apply Kieran’s makeup, as he would have done


for the party. This process happens over the
conversation

MA
Close your eyes

Kieran does as he’s told

Max receives a text and instantly jumps to look at it

KIERA
Who’s that? Astrid

MA
No. It’s nobody

He pauses; considering. Then

MAX (CONT.
Actually, it’s… um.. it’s a boy
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 46.

He goes back to the makeup

KIERA
A new boy

MA
Uh… yeah

KIERA
What?! Who is he? But only tell me
if you’re actually going to keep
me updated. I don’t want crumbs

MA
(rolling his eyes
He’s name is Sam. He goes to our
Uni. He’s a bass player

KIERA
Oooh, exciting! How long

MA
(startled
What

KIERA
(realising
Oh, God, no! I meant, like, how
long have you been talking

MA
Not long. A couple of weeks. Not
sure if it’ll be anything yet.
We’re going for drinks next
Wednesday

KIERA
Do you want it to be something

MA
(thinking
Yeah. I think I do. He’s really
nice. And he’s not a “straight-
acting”, emotionally-stunted prick
this time.

KIERA
Good. Because those kinds of men
are no good

He thinks on this for just a millisecond

KIERAN (CONT.
That’s awesome, I’m really happy
for you

So

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 47.

(teasing
When am I meeting him

MA
(laughing,
embarrassed
Oh my God! Soon

Kieran shoots him a look

MAX (CONT.
… I promise

KIERA
Okay, well, when you’re ready,
invite him over. I really want to
meet him

Max tries to hide his smile

Beat

KIERA
Remember when you first came out
to me? When we were like 15

MA
(cringing
‘Course I do! You were the first
person I told

KIERA
We were about to watch Doctor Who
and right before the episode
started you told me. And you were
really scared. Like shaking and
crying and

MA
(wanting badly to
change the subject
Yes, I remember. Thank you

KIERA
And you told me not to tell
anybody. You were so scared I was
gonna stop being your mate. And
part of me got defensive, in my
head, and was like ‘does he really
think I’d do that’. But then I
realised that, y’know, I was the
first person you told. You trusted
me over everyone else.

If fifteen year old Max could see


you now, if he could see us in

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 48.

this state in this exact moment; I


think he would be so proud

I’m really proud of you

Max chokes up, closes up the makeup and hugs him tightly

MA
Fifteen year old me would also be
very disappointed I’m not dating
Matt Smith

They laugh. Kieran slaps him

KIERA
Be serious

I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it


seem like I was ashamed to be your
mate. You are my best friend in
the whole fucking world and
nothing will change that

Max pulls away and sniffs his tears away

MA
Thank you

I love you too

Beat

MA
(laughing
Imagine if the lads could see you
now

KIERA
Fuck ‘em. They’re arseholes.
Homophobic arseholes

Max laughs at these words. It’s endearing.

KIERAN (CONT.
I’m serious! I’m not making
excuses for them anymore. I’m
bored of trying to defend them. If
they saw me in this state, they
would rip me to shreds. They do
with you! And I’m not okay with
that. Especially if it means
losing my best friend

Silence. They sit with this. Max smiles

Max puts the finishing touches to Kieran’s makeup


Boys[…] Lex Joyce 49.

MA
Hold it… there! Finished

The makeup is more understated than Max’s was but its


still very glittery and not subtle. It’s a big change

Kieran picks up his phone to look at himself. He’s


startled

KIERA
Oh my God

Beat. Max holds his breath

KIERAN (CONT.
This looks sick

Max laughs with relief

MA
Shame there’s not a party anymore
for you to show it off at

KIERA
There’ll be others. Astrid’ll
probably have another one next
week

He is certain about this, like it's a promise

Max pulls his phone out and takes a photo of it. Kieran,
rather than resisting, takes to it very quickly. He gives
a very cool, masculine model face

Max laughs at the ridiculousness of it all

KIERA
Thanks man.

They sit back and relax

Silence

Max composes himself

MA
Okay, I seriously need a drink

He gets up and goes towards the door

MAX (CONT.
You want one

KIERA
(relieved
Yes, please
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 50.

Max leaves.

Kieran stands up and turns to the holes in the walls. He


stares at them for a second. He then pulls out his phone
and begins checking himself out in the screen. Posing and
taking photos

Max returns holding two cans of beer in a plastic bag. He


catches Kieran

Kieran jumps and rushes to put his phone away,


embarrassed

MA
(laughing
No, please. Don’t let me
interrupt

KIERA
(a little startled
You okay

MA
Yeah, had to put them in a bag on
account of the whole ‘one hand’
thing

He hands a beer to Kieran and puts the bag down. Max


takes out a cider and cracks it open

Then, Max raises the can in a toast; they cheers and


drink. They pause, turn to each other, and swap their
drinks

Kieran sits on the floor and Max joins him. They do so,
ungracefully, with no hands free

MA
(turning to look at
the wall
I can probably get some posters or
a tapestry to cover it
We can have a look at someone to
come fix it but… I think we’ll
need to deal with the
consequences

KIERA
(laughing
Yeah… we’re not getting that
deposit back

Beat

KIERAN (CONT.
I think I’m going to give therapy
a try.
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 51.

MA
Really

KIERA
Yeah, I’m starting to realise I’ve
got a lot of shit to work through

MA
(sincere
Wow. Well, in the morning, I’ll
help you look.
I’m sure Astrid would appreciate
it too

Kieran nods and smiles. He puts his can down and pulls
out his phone

KIERA
Do you mind if I post that photo
you took?… I couldn’t get the
right angle

MA
(taken aback, proud
Not at all

Kieran posts the photo. They sit in comfortable silence


for a moment

KIERA
There. Posted

Max puts his can down and pulls his phone out. He plays
an indie song from the speaker. (‘Get You Down’ by Sam
Fender

Kieran looks at him

MA
(shrugging
Since there’s no party

Max begins singing along. He gets up and starts dancing,


flinching in pain from his hand

Kieran laughs, gets up and joins in.

They dance together with reckless abandon for as long as


they want

Suddenly, over the music

KIERA
Max
X

Boys[…] Lex Joyce 52.

MA
Yeah

KIERA
I think we need to go to the
hospital

BLACKOUT

THE END
X

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