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Lex Joyc
Lex Joyc
lexjoycecreative@gmail.com
+44 7534 586597
y
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KIERAN (18, straight, “lads lad”, well meaning but
emotionally volatile, learning to be vulnerable
PRODUCTION NOTES
LIGHTS UP
MA
(shouting over the
music
KIERAN?
He continues dancing
MA
(yelling
KIERAAAAAAN
Enter Kieran (19, lads-lad, the two look like chalk and
cheese), wearing a football shirt and trackies. He looks
like he’s just gotten out of bed. He drags his feet
KIERA
Whaaat? The fuck you yelling for
MA
What time is the Uber coming and
do I have time for a piss
Beat
KIERA
Oh. I dunno
MA
Huh
KIERA
I’ve not booked it
X
MA
What
(turning to him
Why are you not dressed? We have
ten minutes
MA
Mate, c’mon
KIERA
Here, look, mate. I think I’m
gonna pass on tonight
MA
You what
KIERA
I dunno, I’m just not feeling up
to it
MA
(exasperated
Come on! Don’t do this. Astrid
will have a fit if you don’t show
up
KIERA
I know but… I’m just gonna pass.
Sorry
MA
I’m not accepting that. Sorry
Sit down, I’ll do your makeup
quickly
KIERA
(mumbled
Seriously. Don’t bother
MA
It’s not going to be perfect but I
think I can manage. Can you order
the Uber, please
KIERA
(firm
I’m not going
X
MA
Why
KIERA
I dunno, I just…
MA
You’re not ditching your
girlfriend’s party because you
“don’t fancy it”
(referring to makeup
Do you want blue? Purple
KIERA
Max
MA
(desperate
Please don’t leave me to go to
this alone. I don’t know anyone
there.
KIERA
Isn’t that lad you were talking to
going? The rugby player
MA
(suddenly
uncomfortable
Declan? Oh… no. No. He’s not
going
KIERA
Oh… shame. Did something happen? I
thought you liked him
MA
No, it’s fine. But it means I’ll
be on my own and no offence but I
really don’t wanna run into your
football mates alone
KIERA
Ha! They’re not going
You’ll be fine on your own. You
could make friends in an empty
room
MA
What’s gotten into you? You’re
normally up for a gaff
Kieran shrugs
X
MA
Did the lads said something
KIERA
Look, can we just drop it
MA
I knew it. I swear to God
KIERA
They didn’t say anything. I just
MA
(Puppy dog eyes
Please! One drink. We can show
face and sneak out and walk back
with a kebab. Seriously, I’ll pay.
Beat
KIERA
(resentful
Fine
MA
(exasperated
Thank God for the free kebab.
Right, I can do a quick shitty
makeup job on you and we can still
make it
KIERA
Oh- um… it’s fine. We can just go
MA
No, come on. We can be a couple
minutes late
KIERA
(fumbling his words
No, seriously. Astrid will get
pissy if we’re late
MA
She’ll get pissy if you show up to
her glitter gaff with no glitter.
I mean she’s gonna go all out so
you need to match her
KIERA
Max, please
MA
Just sit there
X
KIERA
(stern
I don’t want to
Beat
MA
Is that what this is
C’mon! It’s a bit of makeup. It’s
hardly Drag Race
KIERA
That’s not what
Seriously, let’s just go
MA
Okay, and what are you gonna tell
Astrid when you rock up like that?
That “Big Man” was too scared to
put on a bit of makeup
KIERA
I’m not fucking scared.
MA
If you’re going, you have to wear
it
KIERA
Fine, I just won’t go then
MA
For fuck’s sake. Just put it on. I
don’t see what the big deal is
KIERA
The big deal is I don’t want that
shit all over my face
MA
It’s a party, it’s not that deep
KIERA
(pointed
Yeah, maybe not for you
MA
(stunned
What’s that supposed to mean
KIERA
I mean I’m not fucking wearing it.
It’s embarrassing
MA
Seriously?! Grow up
X
KIERA
Shut up. I just said I’m not
fucking wearing it. I’m not going
out looking like
MA
Like what
KIERA
(Biting
Nothing
MA
No. Go on. Like what? You’re not
going out like what
KIERA
Max, I swear to god
MA
No, please go ahead. Finish that
sentence. You don’t want to look
like what?
KIERA
Like a freak. Okay? I’m not
putting that shit on my face and
getting myself covered in makeup
and sparkles to get the pish
ripped out of me. It’s fucking
embarrassing.
MA
I knew it
Oh my god, get over yourself
KIERA
LET IT GO
Why do you care so fucking much
MA
I care because, you come in here
in a pissy mood, throw a fucking
temper tantrum, decide you’re so
above all of this
KIERA
ALL I SAID WAS I’M NOT FUCKING
KIERA
(through gritted
teeth
Fuck
MA
What the FUCK was that for
KIERA
(under his breath, to
himself
Shit. Dickhead
MA
What is wrong with you
KIERA
(to himself, not
listening
Idiot
MA
Yeah, no shit! That’s my fucking
wall.
KIERA
(gritted teeth
Yes, I know
MA
(berating
I hope you know how to fix that.
And we can wave goodbye to the
deposit. You are such a child,
Kieran. Why do you have to be such
an arsehole about everything
KIERA
(eyes shut tight in
pain
ALRIGHT! Enough! I’m sorry. I’m
sorry about the sodding wall. Now
can you
KIERA
Argh
MA
Jesus Christ, take it out
KIERA
(pained
ARRRRGHHHH
MA
(stunned
Fucking hell
KIERA
Leave it. It’s fine
MA
It’s not fine. You’ve properly
broken it
KIERA
It’s fine
MA
(under his breath
Jesus
(To Kieran
You’re such an idiot. You’re lucky
there wasn’t a nail or something
in there. Why did you
KIERA
(soft, panicked
I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m
such a cunt. I wasn’t thinking and
I’m sorry about your wall. I’m a
fucking idiot. I’m gonna get it
MA
Hey, Kieran! Kieran! It’s okay.
It’s okay. We’ll take you to the
hospital and we’ll worry about it
when we’re back
Kieran retracts
KIERA
I’m not going to the hospital
MA
…
KIERA
I’m not going. It’s fine
MA
I’m not arguing with you. We’re
going to A&E
KIERA
It’s okay. I can take care of
myself. Just go to Astrid’s and
have a good night
MA
I’m obviously not going now. You
need help
KIERA
Stop worrying about me. I’m fine.
Just leave me alone
Beat
MA
I think I have a first-aid kit. Go
wash your hand
MA
(looking back
Go on
KIERA
(rolling eyes
Is that going to shut you up
MA
(laughing
I’m not doing this for me. My
hand’s fine. Go
MA
(muttering
Bellend
Max opens the kit, pulls out a bandage, and goes over to
kneel by Kieran
MA
Okay, let’s see if I can remember
this from Scouts. Open your hand
MA
So you can move it which I think
means it's not broken
KIERA
Can you not tell anyone about
this
MA
(jokingly
Sure. We’ll just deny all
knowledge of the hole
KIERA
I’m serious. Especially not
Astrid. She’s going to freak
MA
Why? It’s not her flat
Don’t move
KIERA
I don’t know. She’s just gonna be
disappointed. Like “I told you
so.”… y’know
KIERA
She thinks I’m too… aggressive.
Too angry or whatever
MA
She said that to you
KIERA
Pretty much. She’ll take one look
at that and be like “I told you.
Go to therapy. Man up and stop
having temper tantrums.
MA
Well… maybe she’s right
X
KIERA
Mate
MA
I mean about therapy. You
considered it? It might do you
some good
KIERA
Don’t you start. I’m fine. It was
a dumb mistake and I’m not going
to do it again
KIERAN (CONT.
I’ll fix it
MA
(vaguely mocking
Ha! Sure, of course you will. And
how you going to do that? You
gonna rebuild it yourself. Get
your - I don’t even know what’s in
a wall
KIERA
Plaster
MA
Sure, plaster or whatever? You
going to insulate it too, Big Man
KIERA
Okay, thank you! You’ve made your
point
Beat
KIERA
You can go if you want. I’m fine.
You’re not going to be too late
MA
I told you, I’m not going. Not
without you. And you’re definitely
not going
KIERA
Astrid’s going to flip
MA
You’re hand’s fucked. I think
she’ll get it
KIERA
Will she
X
Beat
MA
What are you going to tell her
KIERA
(groaning
Ugh, God! I don’t even know. Every
option ends with her freaking out
and breaking up with me
MA
Break up? Seriously?
Kieran shrugs
MA
You guys okay
KIERA
I don’t know. I’m pretty sure this
gaff was like a test of some kind…
y’know, to get me to be less
“manly” or whatever
MA
You think she’d do that
KIERA
I don’t know! But she keeps saying
I need to stop trying to me so
like… aggressive… all the time. I
don’t get that? Since when was
being a normal lad an issue
MA
I don’t think that’s what she
means. It’s not an issue but like…
y’know… you broke my wall coz you
didn’t want to look even slightly
feminine… y’know
KIERA
It’s okay. I’ve got it
Pause
X
MA
I mean, in hindsight it should
have been obvious you guys were
having issues. Your Spotify is
public and nobody listens to that
much Taylor Swift without it being
a cry for help
KIERA
Astrid likes her
MA
Mate, you had some deep cuts on
there. All Too Well? You must have
had some serious emotional
problems
KIERA
She’s a… good songwriter
MA
(teasing
Hey, you don’t have to defend
yourself. But I’m warning you now,
if I hear you listen to Folklore
one more time, I’m putting you in
therapy myself
Beat
MA
Why didn’t you tell me
Kieran shrugs
MA
Did you tell anyone? The lads
KIERA
Ha! Fuck no. I’d just get the pish
ripped out of me
MA
So, what? You just weren’t going
to tell anyone
KIERA
It’s not other people’s problem. I
can sort it out myself
MA
Doesn’t mean you should have to
suffer quietly though. You’re
allowed to share stuff
X
KIERA
What? Kinda like how you shared
with me that you and Declan broke
up
KIERAN (CONT.
I can put two and two together.
Were you going to tell me about
that
MA
That’s… different
KIERA
How is that any different
KIERA
When did you guys break up
MA
Like a month or so ago
KIERA
I’m sorry… a MONTH?! You broke up
with your boyfriend and kept it
from me for a fucking month? Max,
what the hell? Why didn’t you tell
me
MA
I just… felt weird telling you. I
guess. I just didn’t… feel
comfortable
KIERA
Eh? You can tell me anything, you
know that
MA
Yeah but… I dunno. It’s stupid.
It doesn’t matter anyway. It was
ages ago
KIERA
But it clearly still matters to
you. Can you tell me now
MA
(half-cringing
I just… didn’t feel like we were
really going out. Y’know
KIERA
What do you mean
MA
Okay… um… he was this really cool,
tall, athletic rugby player and
y’know, I thought that’s what I
wanted. But, oh my God, was
actually like talking to drywall.
He just did not know how to hold
any kind of proper conversation.
And on the off chance I’d actually
get a sign of human emotion it’d
be in the form of like, this huge
emotional bomb-drop. Like all this
stuff about his dad and his family
and his mates and shit all at
once. And I’m there like “I’m glad
you’re talking to me but I’m your
boyfriend, not your fucking
therapist”
MAX (CONT.
But, I guess that’s the thing. I
wasn’t is boyfriend. Y’know, he
wasn’t even out. Which like, thats
fine, do it in your own time. But
it meant; he’d constantly be
checking for his mates when we
were on a date and I never met his
parents. I was just someone he got
to have sex with when he fancied
it. I was-like- just some dirty
little secret
KIERA
God, he sounds like a prick
MA
Yeah… I guess he was.
KIERA
Is that why I never met him
Max hesitates
X
MA
(half-true
Um… kinda. A little bit
KIERA
You know… as much as he was a
dickhead, I’d still liked to have
met him.
(joking
Maybe then I could have warned
you
MA
Yeah right! You two would have got
on like a house on fire
KIERA
So why didn’t I meet him then
Bea
MA
(hesitantly
I guess I just… didn’t feel
comfortable. Sharing that part
KIERA
Sharing it with everyone or just
me
KIERA
(instantly realising,
getting up
What the fuck, man? Are you
serious?
MA
It’s not like a personal thing.
Well… not totally. Your my best
mate
KIERA
Yeah, well it doesn’t seem like
it. Did I do something wrong
MA
No I
There’s just this part of me that
feels like I need to… hide my
gayness around you. Like I’m
trying to dodge it or avoid it
KIERA
What are you on about? We’re best
pals?
X
MA
I’m just being honest. I don’t
like talking about gay stuff with
you coz I feel like you’ll like…
think less or me for it
KIERA
Are you trying to call me a
fucking homophobe? I don’t care
that you’re gay, man. Don’t make
me out to be some kind of… I don’t
know… bigot
Where’s this coming from
MA
That’s not what I’m saying
KIERA
It’s what you meant
MA
Kieran, shut up and listen to me.
Please
MA
You said that you didn’t want to
go to the party ‘cause you didn’t
want to look like “a freak”
KIERA
(realising
That’s not
MAX (CONT.
I know what that meant. I’m not
stupid. You were terrified of
looking gay. Looking like me… a
freak
KIERA
You’re putting words in my mouth
MA
Fine, but it’s not the only thing.
Your mates, the lads. They are
only ever round when I’m not here.
Like you try and hide me. Cause
God forbid you be mates with a gay
guy because I’ll like give you my
gay or something
KIERA
Don’t be stupid. That’s not true
at all. You hate the lads
X
MA
And have you ever stopped to think
why
KIERA
Yeah, I know. They make dumb jokes
but they don’t mean anything by
it. They’re sound… honest
MA
Except they do mean it. And I hear
it
KIERA
(sighing
… I know. But that’s not me. You
know that
MA
But do they know that
MAX (CONT.
I don’t care about them but I care
about you
MA
(deflated
I’m gonna get a drink
KIERA
Wait
I’m sorry
KIERA
(awkward and
fumbling
Genuinely, I’m sorry. I never want
you to feel like I don’t care
about you because I do. A lot.
KIERAN (CONT.
My friends can be dickheads; they
can take it too far. I know that.
MA
So why do you hang out with them
KIERA
They’re not bad people. I dunno.
They’re… they’re the lads. They’re
still my mates
MA
Do they care about you
KIERA
Yeah! Obviously
MA
So… then why didn’t you tell them
about Astrid
KIERA
They’re not those kinds of people.
Emotional like. They don’t get it.
They’d just take the piss out of
me
MA
Right
KIERA
No, but like, in a mate way.
That’s how they show they care. I
mean, you take the piss out of me
too
MA
But I’m also here to listen,
y’know? Regardless of whether you
want it, I am. I don’t do it so
much that you’re scared to come to
me… or at least I hope not
KIERA
I’m not scared; it’s just not that
deep. I don’t need to tell people
X
MA
… there’s a hole in my wall,
Kieran
Beat
KIERA
That’s
Yeah, I’m sorry
Beat
KIERA
We’ll sort it
MA
That’s not what I mean
KIERA
(desparate
I can pay to get that fixed
MA
No, you won’t
KIERA
(full seriousness
Yes, I will! I can take
responsibility for it
MA
You still owe me money from when
we were fifteen
KIERA
… yeah, well… even still. I’ll
sort something out
MA
Kieran… just leave it
KIERA
No! I need to fix it. It’s my
responsibility
MA
I know that but
KIERA
No, I need to. Make it up to you
Beat
X
KIERA
(desperate, earnest
Y’know
I shout at you, and make you feel
like shit and scare you and punch
holes in your wall. I want to make
it up to you. Show you I’m better
MA
I don’t know… maybe just… do
better then
Beat
MA
I’m going to go get that drink…
Want anything
KIERA
Yeah
Um
Could you get me a can from the
fridge? Please
Pause
KIERA
ARRRGH
DICKHEAD
Max runs back in, startled. He’s clearly been crying but
he’s not concerned with that right now
MA
You okay?
KIERA
(seething
Yeah, it’s just my hand
MA
I’m taking you to the hospital.
Get your coat
X
KIERA
I’m not going
MA
Yes, you are! Stop being such a
pussy about it
KIERA
I’m not being a pussy. It just
doesn’t need looking at
MA
Well, let me call 111. See what
they say
KIERA
No
MA
Why are you so scared
KIERA
(muttering
I’m not scared of shit
Max laughs
MA
(half-joking
What the fuck are you talking
about?
Kieran, I get the spiders out of
the bathroom. You made me get get
the dead mouse from under the
fridge. You triple-check the locks
when we go out. You’re allowed to
be scared of things
KIERAN
Okay, fine. I’m scared of some
things. But not this. My hand will
heal itself if I just leave it
alone. It’s my fault. I don’t need
to make it other people’s problem
MA
Y’know… you don’t have to be
scared to ask people for help,
right? People will care
Beat
KIERA
(quietly
Right
KIERAN (CONT.
(purposefully making
eye contact
You know that goes both ways
right
KIERA
How did you get so good at that
MA
At what
KIERA
Like, all that makeup… stuff
MA
(laughing
“That makeup stuff”?
I don’t know, like Youtube and
shit. I’m still practising, it’s
not great
KIERA
What are you on about? It looks
great
MA
I don’t really go out in it very
often. Not had the opportunity
(joking
Plus, don’t want to get hate-
crimed
KIERA
… shit
MA
I’m joking
KIERA
(not convinced
Right
…
MA
I mean
(not fully convinced
himself
Mostly.
I’d probably be fine
Beat
KIERA
(trying to find the
words
Jesus… that’s… rough. Um… I’m
sorry. I don’t know - is that
appropriate
Max laughs
MA
You’re good
Y’know, it’s really endearing the
way you talk like you just
discovered homophobia exists
KIERA
(laughing
You patronising dick
(earnest
But I guess… I just never really
thought about it. Like properly.
KIERA
(knowing
Shut up, Max
MA
I didn’t say anything
Max rolls his eyes and resumes taking his makeup off
KIERA
How long does it take to get all
that off
MA
You should see how long it takes
to put on
Not quite as easy as a rolling out
of bed and rustling your hair
about
X
KIERA
Ouch! Whats wrong with my hair
MA
Nothing! You make the bro-y “short
back and sides” look work
KIERA
(laughing
Oi
MA
I mean, come on! You see it right?
If I lined you and the lads up,
you’d all be in the same football
top and trackies with the same
floppy haircut. It’s like a
uniform with you guys
Kieren stands up
KIERA
Oh, there’s a “you guys” now
MA
You know what I mean. The lads
KIERA
I think that’s a pretty big
generalisation
We just don’t care that much about
what we look like. We’re not those
kinds of people
MA
You cared what you looked like
going to Astrid’s
KIERA
That’s different
MA
Oh, I know. I’m just saying, you
do care
It’s not necessarily to look nice
but its to say something. Like the
football top- it scream
(mocking, Love Island
intro-esque
“I’m a man! I play football. I
like beer, tits and beer.
KIERA
I don’t talk like that?
What are you on about? Lots of
people enjoy it. In fact, you like
X
KIERA
What?! Why do you sit and watch it
with me then
MA
Well
MAX (CONT.
Remember that weekend we sat and
watched a whole series of Below
Deck
KIERA
(not following
‘Coz Astrid was watching it and
wouldn’t stop talking about it
MA
Well, its kinda like that. I feel
like… I have to. If I wanna hold a
conversation with any man; lads at
work, my dad, you. If I want to
feel like one of the guys… I have
to make myself like it. Even if
it’s not made for people like me
KIERA
Why is it not for you? There are
gay footballers, y’know?
MA
Yeah, like-what?- two guys out of
hundreds. It wouldn’t be news if
it wasn’t so rare.
Beat
MAX (CONT.
Its great that they’re there and
trying to speak out but in the
end, that doesn’t change the
culture. It’s not the game; it’s
the fans. It’s what it all stands
for
KIERA
What are you on about
X
MA
Well, you know. “It’s more than
just a game”! There’s this
unspoken thing. It’s this super
macho, masculine code. It’s about
being a man. A big shouty
aggressive masculine man. I mean,
why do you and the lads play it
KIERA
Because it’s about us being a
team. We’re mates and it’s what
brings us together. It’s like…
pride in being a part of
something
MA
Right. It’s about you guys- The
lads! It’s what makes you ‘the
lads’. It’s where you get out that
big manly aggression
KIERA
We’re not hooligans, mate. You
make it sound like it’s such a bad
thing. I’m sorry you don’t like
football. I don’t understand what
your point is
MA
My point is; football is a club.
An exclusive club that is a
barrier for entry on being a man
and it’s a club that I’m not
welcome in
KIERA
So… what? You want me to stop? I’m
not doing that
MA
No! What I’m saying is
D’you know how many times I
watched my Uncle punch a hole
through the wall when the Hibs
lost
MAX (CONT.
It’s this… lad culture. This way
of behaving. Where you get praised
for being aggressive. For not
talking. Well, if you and the lads
sat and had a fucking honest
conversation once in a while
instead of trying to prove how
X
KIERA
(trying to find the
words
Yeah
Beat
KIERAN (CONT
A few years ago now, When Hearts
beat Hibs… my Dad got so pissed he
punched a hole straight through
our TV and fucked it. Sliced up
his whole hand. He was screaming
and swearing all night. And he
made me promise I wouldn’t tell
mum. I was pretty shaken by it.
But he was just like ‘Don’t
worry, it’s just what men do’. He
was just letting off steam,
y’know
MA
What happened after
KIERA
Nothing… I mean my Mum found out,
obviously; there was a massive
hole in the TV. He just bought a
new one
MA
And his hand
KIERA
(shrugs
He got me to bandage it up. Took
some convincing but he eventually
went to the hospital and got
stitches. There was, like, bits of
glass lodged in and shit. It was
grim
MA
And you still don’t think going to
the hospital is a good idea
X
No response
Beat
MA
My Dad always wanted me to get
into it. Be like him. So I guess i
just sort of… pretended
eventually. I mean, it was all I
could talk about to him. I mean,
God knows he wasn’t going to talk
about his feelings
MA
Fuck are you doing
KIERA
(handing it to him
Put my top on
MA
You what
KIERA
(insisting
Put it on
MA
It stinks, I’m not wearing that
KIERA
Harsh
C’mon. I just want you to see
yourself in it. See yourself as
‘one of the lads’
MA
Fine
Max takes his top off and takes the football top out of
Kieran’s hand. He begrudgingly puts it on
MA
(as he puts the top
on
Do you wear Lynx Africa
He sighs
X
MA
There
KIERA
Okay… look in the mirror
KIERA
Well, how does it feel
MA
Weird
KIERA
You could fit in on the team
MA
I don’t know about that. It’s
comfy though, I’ll give you that
Beat
MA
Put mine on
KIERA
Nah… I’m good
MA
What?! I put your sweaty shit on,
you can wear mine. It’s only fair
KIERA
It’s not the same
MA
Yes it is, you’re just being a
pussy.
KIERA
No, I’m not
MA
If I can make myself look like the
lads, you can make yourself look
like me
(pointed
You can look like a freak
X
KIERA
Come on, that’s not fair
MA
Isn’t it? Put it on
KIERA
Shit. It’s Astrid
MA
Is that your ringtone
KIERA
Shut up
Help me look
MA
Is it Taylor’s Version
Kieran glares
KIERA
Fuck off
He finds it
KIERA
Ah ha
(answering, half-
panicked
Hi sweetheart
Yes… I… um
MA
(whispering
No. No
…
KIERA
(whispering
Please. Just talk to her
MA
(whispering
She’s your girlfriend! You
MAX (CONT.
(fake nice
Hi Astrid! How are- oh, oh, okay
KIERA
(frantic, whispering
Lie! LIE
MA
Kieran… um… hurt… his hand
KIERA
NO! NO
MA
UH… yeah. Quite badly… SPRAINED
it
MA
(pointed
Have we been to the hospital?
Well, that’s a very good question
Astrid
KIERA
You’re a dick
MA
No, no! You don’t need to come
over. We’ve got it all under
control
KIERA
Hang up! Hang up
MA
Um
No, Astrid
The thing is
Um
KIERA
End it! End it! Hang up
…
MA
Oh Astrid you’re. Breaking
You’re breaking up
Sorry
SORRY ASTRID
BYE
MA
You’re a dick
What was that
KIERA
I panicked
MA
You panicked?
KIERA
I just didn’t want her to have to
face
(motioning to the
wall
MA
Yeah, well I told her most of the
truth so
KIERA
You weren’t supposed to tell her
any of the truth
MA
I wasn’t supposed to get involved
but you forced me to because you
can’t face the consequences to any
of your fucking actions
KIERA
Wait, what? Don’t pin this on me
MA
Why not? It’s your fault. You are
so fucking inept at facing your
problems
KIERA
Hey, that’s not fair
MA
Really? Because you couldn’t tell
your girlfriend so I had to cover
for you. Because you’re too
fucking scared. You’re too scared
of your own emotions and how
people view you. You’re so
X
KIERA
Lay off it, Max
MA
Why, what are you going to do?
Punch a hole in my wall
KIERA
Fuck you
MA
Go on. Prove me wrong
KIERA
You know what… you are such a
hypocrite
MA
What
KIERA
You think I’m scared to be
vulnerable? Well, you don’t tell
people shit either. You bottle up
your own emotions too because
you’re fucking embarrassed
MA
What the fuck are you talking
about? This isn’t about me
KIERA
You don’t let me in to anything
and sure, I’ve not been as good a
friend as I could have been but
I’m trying. I ask about you, I try
and you keep shutting me out
MA
KIERA
If I’m so fucking obsessed with
the idea of being a man, then what
about you? You’re gay, and you’re
not fucking macho and you think
that makes you less of a man. So
you just act all above it and make
yourself the victim instead of
maybe facing the fact that you’re
ashamed of who you are. You think
the world is going to reject you
…
MA
You don’t know what you’re talking
about
KIERA
(growing emotional
Because you won’t let me
I don’t see how you get to act
like you’re such a fucking saint
and tell me all the things I’m
doing wrong but you don’t stop and
think about your own problems for
two fucking seconds
MA
(defensive
I don’t think I’m better than you
KIERA
Don’t you? Because you’ve spent
the last twenty minutes giving me
speeches about all my faults and
how I don’t care and make you feel
unwanted. And I’m sat here feeling
like utter shit because I’ve been
a bad friend but then you don’t
actually do anything to help
Silence
KIERA
Well, I guess that makes us even
…
Silence
KIERA
Go wash it
KIERA
Go
KIERA
(half-laughing
I didn’t really want to be
shirtless for this
KIERA
Can you move it
MA
Just about
KIERA
Well… I have been informed that
that means its not broken
Max uses the other hand to wipe away the tears quickly
MA
I’m sorry
KIERA
Don’t be
.
MA
That was fucking stupid of me
KIERA
Hey, I get it
MA
Also
I’m sorry for…
KIERA
We both have
I think we’re wired that way
MA
KIERA
(shrugs
Doesn’t have to stay that way
MA
I’m sorry for making you feel like
you were stupid. You’re not.
You’re a lot more intelligent than
anybody gives you credit for
MAX (CONT.
Everything you said was right.
About me being embarrassed and
scared of rejection. I see all
these things labelled as masculine
and none of them apply to me. And
if none of them apply then am I
still a man? So I try and force it
and when that doesn’t work I just
act like I’m above it all; like it
doesn’t still sting that I’m… not
the right kind of man
And I couldn’t stand to hear any
of that said out-loud because… if
I did, then I’d have to confront
it
KIERA
Yeah… that sounds familiar
Beat
…
MA
I thought you said letting your
anger out was supposed to make you
feel better
KIERA
Doesn’t it
MA
No! I feel exactly the same.
Actually, I feel worse now. Did
you feel any better
KIERA
MA
Yeah
(trying to find the
funny
I mean… when they say let your
aggression out, they probably
don’t mean batter your wall down
Beat
MA
Why did we do that? Who decided
that’s what boys do? Hit and break
stuff
KIERA
I dunno. Like I used to watch my
Dad do it and he’d say “that’s
what men do!
Beat
MA
I think I wanted to hurt myself
more than anything. Like…
punishment
KIERA
(considering
Right
MA
So, what? Neither of us know why
we did it
Kieran shrugs
MA
(awkwardly
I’m sorry about your Dad… or…
Thank you for… telling me about
your Dad. I don’t really know
what’s appropriate to say.
KIERA
(shrugging
It’s okay. There was nothing
really to tel
MA
Oh, he’s terrifying
KIERA
Cheers
MA
My dad’s just weird. Like he’s so
stoic all the time. I never know
what he’s thinking
Beat
KIERA
Parents fucking suck
MA
Yeah
KIERA
I’m really lucky to have you
MA
(not sure how to
respond
… thank you. You
You mean a lot to me
Beat
MA
Take your top off
KIERA
(confused,
correcting
I mean… it’s your top
MA
Whatever, don’t get smart
Take it off
KIERA
… why
MA
Just do it
MA
Cool. Now hug me
KIERA
(baffled
What
MA
Go on, hug me
KIERA
Why do I need my shirt off for
that? I know I said I care about
you and shit but
MA
That’s not what this is. That’s
the problem. I’ve watched you with
your mates playing football and
you’re all over each other but the
second I try and touch you, you
freak out
KIERA
Yeah, that’s different though
MA
Yeah, men have these rules that
they have to follow to be intimate
with another man otherwise it’s
sexualised and “gay”. Women hug
and touch each other all the time
and it's perfectly normal. So why
can’t we
KIERA
So why do I need to be shirtless
MA
So there isn’t… like… a barrier.
It means we can’t pull away,
y’know. You can touch another man
and have it be nothing but
platonic. We both just need a hug
right now. And it’s not gay. We’re
just friends… who hug each other
Okay
KIERA
(with a deep breath
Okay
X
MA
(pushing him away
No, no, no. Don’t do that
KIERA
Do what
MA
That fucking pat thing
KIERA
Eh
MA
That pat all men do when they hug.
It’s so weird
KIERA
Oh… sorry
MA
Don’t be. Just hug me properly.
MA
Okay! Now… relax into it
Beat
Silence
MA
(gently
You okay
KIERA
(nodding, wiping away
his tears
Yeah
X
(earnest
Thank you
Max laughs
KIERA
(shrugging
What? I was just starting to get
used to it
MA
(laughing but
sincere
It looks good
KIERA
Thank you
Beat
KIERAN (CONT.
(with determination
I’m sorry, I am really fucking
hot
MA
(laughing
Yeah, I know. It’s not fair
KIERA
Hey, trust me. You look good too
MA
Thanks
Beat
Then
MA
What are you doing
KIERA
Do my makeup
X
Max laughs
Kieran sits down on the floor and pats the space next to
him
MA
For real
KIERA
For real. There are two fuck-off
holes in the wall and two broken
hands because I couldn’t get over
myself. Clearly I need to conquer
this fear sooner or later
otherwise we’re not going to have
much left to break
Max laughs
MA
Well, if I’m going to do this,
we’re going to need more than just
that so, hang tight
KIERA
There’s more?
Max, excited, gets up and roots around his table for the
correct items
MA
Oh, there’s much more
MA
Close your eyes
KIERA
Who’s that? Astrid
MA
No. It’s nobody
MAX (CONT.
Actually, it’s… um.. it’s a boy
X
KIERA
A new boy
MA
Uh… yeah
KIERA
What?! Who is he? But only tell me
if you’re actually going to keep
me updated. I don’t want crumbs
MA
(rolling his eyes
He’s name is Sam. He goes to our
Uni. He’s a bass player
KIERA
Oooh, exciting! How long
MA
(startled
What
KIERA
(realising
Oh, God, no! I meant, like, how
long have you been talking
MA
Not long. A couple of weeks. Not
sure if it’ll be anything yet.
We’re going for drinks next
Wednesday
KIERA
Do you want it to be something
MA
(thinking
Yeah. I think I do. He’s really
nice. And he’s not a “straight-
acting”, emotionally-stunted prick
this time.
KIERA
Good. Because those kinds of men
are no good
KIERAN (CONT.
That’s awesome, I’m really happy
for you
So
…
(teasing
When am I meeting him
MA
(laughing,
embarrassed
Oh my God! Soon
MAX (CONT.
… I promise
KIERA
Okay, well, when you’re ready,
invite him over. I really want to
meet him
Beat
KIERA
Remember when you first came out
to me? When we were like 15
MA
(cringing
‘Course I do! You were the first
person I told
KIERA
We were about to watch Doctor Who
and right before the episode
started you told me. And you were
really scared. Like shaking and
crying and
MA
(wanting badly to
change the subject
Yes, I remember. Thank you
KIERA
And you told me not to tell
anybody. You were so scared I was
gonna stop being your mate. And
part of me got defensive, in my
head, and was like ‘does he really
think I’d do that’. But then I
realised that, y’know, I was the
first person you told. You trusted
me over everyone else.
Max chokes up, closes up the makeup and hugs him tightly
MA
Fifteen year old me would also be
very disappointed I’m not dating
Matt Smith
KIERA
Be serious
MA
Thank you
Beat
MA
(laughing
Imagine if the lads could see you
now
KIERA
Fuck ‘em. They’re arseholes.
Homophobic arseholes
KIERAN (CONT.
I’m serious! I’m not making
excuses for them anymore. I’m
bored of trying to defend them. If
they saw me in this state, they
would rip me to shreds. They do
with you! And I’m not okay with
that. Especially if it means
losing my best friend
MA
Hold it… there! Finished
KIERA
Oh my God
KIERAN (CONT.
This looks sick
MA
Shame there’s not a party anymore
for you to show it off at
KIERA
There’ll be others. Astrid’ll
probably have another one next
week
Max pulls his phone out and takes a photo of it. Kieran,
rather than resisting, takes to it very quickly. He gives
a very cool, masculine model face
KIERA
Thanks man.
Silence
MA
Okay, I seriously need a drink
MAX (CONT.
You want one
KIERA
(relieved
Yes, please
X
Max leaves.
MA
(laughing
No, please. Don’t let me
interrupt
KIERA
(a little startled
You okay
MA
Yeah, had to put them in a bag on
account of the whole ‘one hand’
thing
Kieran sits on the floor and Max joins him. They do so,
ungracefully, with no hands free
MA
(turning to look at
the wall
I can probably get some posters or
a tapestry to cover it
We can have a look at someone to
come fix it but… I think we’ll
need to deal with the
consequences
KIERA
(laughing
Yeah… we’re not getting that
deposit back
Beat
KIERAN (CONT.
I think I’m going to give therapy
a try.
X
MA
Really
KIERA
Yeah, I’m starting to realise I’ve
got a lot of shit to work through
MA
(sincere
Wow. Well, in the morning, I’ll
help you look.
I’m sure Astrid would appreciate
it too
Kieran nods and smiles. He puts his can down and pulls
out his phone
KIERA
Do you mind if I post that photo
you took?… I couldn’t get the
right angle
MA
(taken aback, proud
Not at all
KIERA
There. Posted
Max puts his can down and pulls his phone out. He plays
an indie song from the speaker. (‘Get You Down’ by Sam
Fender
MA
(shrugging
Since there’s no party
KIERA
Max
X
MA
Yeah
KIERA
I think we need to go to the
hospital
BLACKOUT
THE END
X