A

Superior Shakespeare
By
William Leavengood

1


A SUPERIOR SHAKESPEARE

Cast in Order of Appearance

Mac Hathaway: 30’s, successful businessman and Shakespeare enthusiast with a
pronounced Upstate New York accent
Ham Hathaway: 30’s, his taller, stronger big brother; a Shakespearean actor
Don Singer: 60’s-70’s; a Theatre-loving, veteran producer of Broadway flops
Nan Hathaway: 30’s, Mac’s shrewd, but devoted fiancée; a Shakespearean Scholar
Izzie Peterson: 30’s: a high energy, exuberant, up- and-coming producer
Luma LaRonde: 30’s, a terrific actress and cult-following movie star who has grown
as physically huge as her stardom
Roman Darius: 40’s-50’s, a powerful, crude and ruthless mega-producer

Settings: A plot of land in England and a Barn Theatre in Upstate New York

Time: The Present

Synopsis: Two sibling rivals and a pair of bumbling producers spar, plot and
scheme when the brothers unearth an unknown Shakespearean tragedy and race to
mount the Broadway premiere.

*Note to Directors/Producers: A SUPERIOR SHAKESPEARE has a number of
references to show business personalities. You have the playwright’s express
permission (in fact, I encourage it!) to change the names to fit similar types of stars
for whatever time in the future you happen to be producing it.

2
 A Superior Shakespeare

ACT I

Scene One

A plot of land. A small orange surveying flag sticks out of a small mound of earth DSL.
HAMILTON (HAM) HATHAWAY, 30’s, a tall man of princely good looks and stature
stands center stage. Ham, wearing a flannel shirt and a beautiful Venetian (Merchant of
Venice) hat, surveys the land around him then, with power and import, pulls out an
iPhone and a selfie-stick and films himself delivering the speech….

HAM
“This precious stone set against a silver sea,

MAC HATHAWAY, 30’s, less tall, less princely, enters carrying a shovel. Mac is in a
white business shirt, sleeves rolled up, with a cheesy, cheaply made Venetian styled hat.

Ham and Mac both have pronounced regional accents (Upstate/Buffalo-- a cross between
Midwestern and Canadian), although Ham completely loses his to a resonant, pleasing
stage British when he “acts Shakespeare”.

Seeing Ham reciting, Mac stops atop the small mound, listening, stares.

HAM
“Which serves in the office of a wall.
Or a moat defensive to a house
Against the envy of less happier lands.
(“uhmp” from Mac)
This blessed plot...
This earth... This realm...
This England.

MAC
You forgot the “it”.

HAM
What “it”?

MAC
Which serves “it” in the office of a wall...
(and he seems compelled to go on,
but with his pronounced accent)
Or a moat defensive to a house
Against the envy of less happier lands.

3
 (Ham laughs)
And it’s bless-ed. Not “blessed”, you always
muffed the “eds”.
(Ham huffs)
I’m just saying, if you’re gonna recite the Bard,
do it right.

HAM
That was right?
(beat; Mac seems put off)
Sorry. I know you’ve really missed it.

MAC
What? Doing the Bard? No! No. With the
success of Balooni’s? No, no, no....

HAM
Then why’d you pack the hats?

MAC
Nan packed the hats. She thought
we would like them for the groundbreaking
ceremony.

HAM
(re: hats)
“Two Gentlemen of Verona”?

MAC
Come on! Our first Shakespearan
show together.

Ham removes his beautiful hat, looks at it.

HAM
Oh. Antonio—Merchant of Venice.

Mac does the same with his cheesy hat.

MAC
Salerino, a friend.

Mac looks between his and Ham’s hat, comparing, then changes subjects.

MAC
Come on, let’s break ground.

4
 HAM
Over here. We’ll have a better view of the heath.

MAC
We’ll be inside a building.

HAM
We could make it an ampitheater.

MAC
We’re not making it an ampitheater. And
that’s a moor, not a heath.

HAM
It’s a heath.

MAC
What’s the difference?

HAM
Then it’s a heath.

MAC
Come on.

Mac motions him over. As Ham crosses he looks upstage.

HAM
Why don’t we face the theater toward the forest
and the stream?

MAC
Nan’s and my cottage will face the forest and
the stream. The theater will face Leichesterham Road.
(he says it “Li-ches-ter-ham”)

HAM
It’s as much mine as yours—

MAC
I have been here three weeks with the surveyors,
and the architect and the contractor—you just
flew in!

HAM

5
 So?

MAC
What is eating you? We’re about to realize our dream, Ham.
One year from now, we will be standing on
our own stage… in Stratford-on-Avon… playing Lear.

HAM
I will be.

MAC
What?

HAM
Playing Lear.

MAC
You’ve done kings!

HAM
Exactly. Name a Shakespeare festival, I’ve played the king.

MAC
So? I was on stage before you were.

HAM
As a spear carrier.

MAC
No.

HAM
You’ve carried so many spears, you
could be your own legion!

MAC
Look! It’s my turn.

HAM
Don’t make me hit you.

Ham raises his hand, Mac steps back.

MAC
(beat)
One year from now, both of us will be standing

6
 here on our own stage playing Lear, in rep, on the
hallowed grounds of our ancestors.

HAM
How do you figure ancestors?

MAC
This land once belonged to the Hathaways—
Shakespeare’s wife’s family.

HAM
So?

MAC
So we’re Hathaways.

HAM
The genealogist only traced our branch
back to Skinneatlas.
(pronounced “skinny-atlas”)

Mac grasps his brother by the shoulders.

MAC
Ham, I love you. Why do we have to be
so contentious?

HAM
I don’t think we’re being contentious.

MAC
Well, we are.

HAM
No.

MAC
See? But we know why.

BOTH
(beat)
The Bard.

MAC
(pats Ham’s shoulder)
Okay. Let’s get a selfie of the

7
 ground breaking to send back to Nan.

Ham joins Mac on the mound. Ham holds out the iPhone on selfie-stick. Mac puts a foot
atop the shovel head. Seeing this, Ham does the same.

MAC
One. Two. Three!

Just as the camera flashes, the head of the shovel breaks through a hollow spot in the
mound.

MAC
Oh, my gosh. It’s a cache.

HAM
A repository.

MAC
Look!

Mac pulls out a heavily wrapped, rectangular object and starts unwrapping the rotting
cloth.

MAC
It’s wrapped like a mummy.

HAM
What is it?

MAC
A book.

HAM
A mummified book?

MAC
A book mummy. It’s some kind of accounting
ledger-- “John Shakespeare, 1576.”

HAM
The Bard’s father. My gosh.

Mac opens it.

MAC
Wait. The first few pages are accounting, but the rest…

8
 HAM
Is a script.

MAC
Or a manuscript.
(reads)
“The Tragedy of Hermando, the Cid of Madrid”, by....
Jesus, Joseph and Mary!

HAM
No way.

MAC
Shakespeare... William Shakespeare!

Ham takes the script from Mac, hands Mac the shovel.

HAM
It’s not real. Did you plant this here?

MAC
No!

Mac takes script from Ham, hands Ham the shovel.

MAC
My God, my God! We have to take it to Nan.

HAM
We don’t have to fly back
to Syracuse to get your wife
to authenticate it.

MAC
You’re gonna put it in the hands
of a stranger? You don’t see the scope of this.

HAM
I see the scope.

MAC
What is it, then? The scope.

HAM
It’s a big, wide scope... Don’t make me hit you!

9
 MAC
They could steal it! We gotta
keep the screws on this thing.

Ham takes the book, gives Mac the shovel.

HAM
Dramatis Personae.... Rosaline-- again...

MAC
I guess there weren’t too many names back then.

HAM
Hermando, A Castilian Lord.
(looks up and out)
The title role.

MAC
A Spaniard. That’s me.

HAM
You’re about as Spanish as a corn dog.
Besides, I have the stature.

MAC
What stature?

HAM
The regal stature.

MAC
Oh, come on! Who has the New York stage credit?

HAM
That was a derelict strip joint.

MAC
There was a stage.

HAM
It had a dance pole.

MAC
Don Singer says “A theater is any space where there’s magic”.

10
 HAM
That wasn’t magic.

MAC
Oh, oh, what I could say!

HAM
Say it!

Mac takes the script from Ham.

MAC
I’m the one who found it.

HAM
No.

MAC
I was holding the shovel.

HAM
I had my foot on it.

MAC
This is typical!

HAM
Don’t make me hit you!

MAC
I’m not!

Ham gives Mac a solid punch in the upper arm.

HAM
You did! Now, give me the script.

MAC
No!

Ham hits him the same way again. It clearly must hurt, but Mac bites his lip.

HAM
Give it!

MAC

11
 Don’t hit me again.

HAM
Don’t make me!

MAC
Don’t hit me!

HAM
Don’t make me!

MAC
Don’t hit--!

Ham hits Mac who whips the shovel up to defend himself but the spade of the shovel
whacks Ham hard across the face. Ham drops like a rock.

MAC
Oh, Geez. Ham?

Mac kneels by him, listens to his chest. Mac removes his watch, and puts it an inch away
from Ham’s mouth. He looks at it, wipes off the condensation with his thumb.

MAC
You’re breathing, Ham. It’s a little
gurgley, but okay.

Mac takes Ham’s iPhone, does not know how to detach selfie stick but uses phone
anyway. During phone call, Ham’s eyes open. They glare at his brother without moving
or blinking.

MAC
(urgently)
I need an ambulance at the old Hathaway farm
on Leichesterham Road...
Li-chester-ham... L-E-I-C-H-E-S-T-E-R-H-A-M...
“Lestrum”?... Oh!...
(excited by the British way of saying it)
Okay... Cool!.... “Lestrum”… Lestrum.
(responds to operator)
What? Oh, yeah! My brother was accidentally hit by a shovel....
I did... on the jaw... How can I tell if it’s broken?... Waggle it?

Mac goes to touch Ham’s jaw, Ham growls at him.

MAC

12
 He doesn’t want it waggled... On its way?
Good. I will...

Mac kneels by his brother.

MAC
Ham, she’s sending an ambulance. You’re
gonna be A.O.K. I’m going out to “Lestrum” Road
to direct them.

Ham’s arms slowly reach up to touch his brother. But no! His hands put a viselike grip on
the manuscript Mac is holding.

MAC
Relax, Ham.

Mac tries to gently pry Ham’s fingers off the manuscript to no avail.

MAC
Relax... You’re not relaxing.

Mac pauses, then with a mighty yank tries to get the manuscript away. But Ham’s
powerful grip pulls it back to his chest.

MAC
Ham?

Ham just glares.

MAC
Ham, I know that look. It’s your “I’m going to
exact revenge” look. You always
have to exact revenge! It’s not gonna
happen this time!
(responding curtly to dispatcher on phone)
What?! Yes, he’s breathing!

During above speech, Ham has been raising his right leg and now wraps it around Mac’s
head and gets him in a scissor hold.

MAC
Ham, you’re hurting my--!

Mac’s mouth is covered by Ham’s leg.

MAC

13
 Ham, you’re crushing my--!

They twist and roll across the ground like two mating snakes.

MAC
Ham, you’re cutting off my--

Mac’s breath is cut off. Mac reaches out, finds the shovel. He swings it, hitting Ham in
the jaw again and knocking Ham back onto his back, much like before. He is stunned and
motionless, though his eyes remain open and glaring.

We hear the dispatcher’s urgent but unintelligible voice on the cell phone. Mac picks it
up off the ground.

MAC
Hi! Yeah, I just accidentally hit my brother
with a shovel again...

While speaking on the phone, Mac will construct a marker using the shovel and his hat.

MAC
The jaw... Yeah, it is I think now for sure... Listen,
I gotta go. Tell the driver to look for Solerino’s hat.

Mac kneels by his semi-conscious brother.

MAC
I’m sorry, Ham. I know it may turn out to be
my tragic flaw, but I have to play Hermando.

Mac tries to pull the manuscript from Ham’s grasp (he never let it go), but still his brother
holds tight. Finally, the manuscript rips in two, leaving Mac with most of the script, save
the end. The ambulance siren is heard drawing near.

Ham sits up. He holds up one finger, then two, three, four, five fingers, then points to his
brother.

MAC
Speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!

Ham holds up five fingers, then pats his piece of the manuscript.

HAM
(painfully, without moving his mouth)
Act Five.

14
His eyes flutter and he falls onto his back again, clutching manuscript.

Mac looks toward the sound of ambulance, then at his brother, then he runs. Lights fade
out.

SCENE TWO

A musty, out of use barn/theater outside of Syracuse, NY. Across the back wall is a
brightly painted but worn curtain reading: “Balooni’s Magic Barn”.

Upstage center left is a carnival fixture from bygone days-- the torso of a Clown on a
swiveling base and castors with an air nozzle protruding from its pursed lips. Mac
nervously inflates balloons from the nozzle (it’s a helium tank), effortlessly making
balloon animals out of them, his impatient eyes always returning to Nan and the
manuscript. Already, a dozen balloon animals float about and/or litter the floor.

There is a large open wooden trunk filled with costumes and accessories.

Against the upstage wall is a brightly colored standing wardrobe with “Captain B’s
Magic Cabinet” painted on it. NAN HATHAWAY, 30’s, brunette, Italian-American,
seated on a stool behind the trunk, which she is using as a table. She wears thick reading
glasses and is scrutinizing the Shakespearean manuscript.

DON SINGER, 70’s, lithe for his age and wearing a light colored suit, paces stage right,
talking on a cell phone.

DON
Carol, you wild old broad! It’s Don Singer... Yes!
(laughs)
Mr. B? He’s great, flying home tonight!
(laughs)
Listen, I’m doing a little show...
Retired, my tush!
This will be bigger than “Catskill Promenade”!
Of course, you’re the first person
I called...
(he crosses her name off a long list)
I can’t tell you, but
when you hear the name, you’ll plotz...
(laughs)
Tomorrow morning, eight o’clock, the usual.
I’ll bring Mr. B, you bring your checkbook!
All right, sweetheart?... All right. Bye-bye!

15
Nan closes the manuscript, takes off her glasses and stands up. We realize for the first
time she is very attractive.

MAC
Nan?

NAN
Iambic pentameter, uses the feminine
eleven syllables in the more tentative speeches.
Large vocabulary—not his typical twelve to fifteen
thousand words, but, still, the signature is consistent
with one of his several validated variables.

DON
Which means?

NAN
(smiles)
It’s Shakespeare.

MAC
It’s Shakespeare!

DON
Ha-ha!

Don grabs Mac, and they jump in a circle like giddy children. Mac grabs Nan and kisses
her.

MAC
Nan, you are the best!

NAN
I’m okay.

Don kicks through balloon animals.

DON
What is this? I’m surrounded by wieners.

MAC
Sorry, I’m a wreck.

Nan comforts Mac.

NAN

16
 Balloon dogs help with his nerves.

DON
Well, calm down, kid. Nine Broadway shows
I’ve produced.

MAC
Don, I hit my big brother in the face
with a shovel. Twice.

DON
You hit him with a shovel in
Stratford-on-Avon. We’re in
Upstate New York for Christ’s sake.

MAC
He’ll hunt me down.

DON
Look, by then we’ll be in pre-production. We’ll
give your brother a piece of it, he’ll be
dancing in the aisles. This
will be the biggest event the Great White
Way has seen since “Trixie”.

NAN
What’s “Trixie”?

DON
“Trixie”! The greatest show I ever brought to the
living stage. Me and Mr. B had the show fully vested
in two weeks. Half a million dollars.

NAN
Who’s Mr. B?

DON
My dog.

MAC
We have to raise half a million?

DON
Broadway today for a non-musical? Five,
six million, minimum. But it’ll be cake.

17
 NAN
Even with Mac starring in it?

DON
Honey, I could produce it
in Lapland starring Lola Falana.
We’ll surround Mac with the best,
get him a dialogue coach, he’ll be fine.

MAC
How much have you raised so far?

DON
Mr. B is on the red eye from Phoenix tonight.
One power walk down Fifth
Ave’ and we’ll be vested.

NAN
What are you talking about?

DON
All the money-people who do the
8 A.M. dog walk down Central Park East.
They love Mr. B.

NAN
So why’d you send him to Arizona?

DON
He developed a taste for Mrs. F.

MAC
Is that another dog?

DON
I wish. She’s a blue-haired biped worth
half a billion. If Mr. B hadn’t humped
her leg last November, this June would have been
Tony time for me! But three months at
Miss McGinty’s K-9 Finishing School, he should be
all straightened out.

NAN
So how much have you raised so far?

DON

18
 We’re on our way. And I have a young producing
partner coming in who is connected
like you wouldn’t believe.

MAC
You’ve told someone else?

DON
Izzie Peterson I trust like my right hand.

NAN
What’s he done?

DON
I met him at the Four Seasons.

NAN
What has he produced?

DON
Have you ever heard of “Rent”?

MAC
Wow.

Don’s phone rings.

DON
Hello?... Hello?
(covers receiver)
It’s just heavy breathing.
(we hear a bark through the phone)
Mr. B! Hello, darling! You recognize
Poppy’s voice?
(two barks over the phone,
Don laughs warmly)
Do you know, I dreamt last night
that you jumped up on top of me
and started licking my face.
(laughs, stops, his face drops,
we hear a garbled voice)
No, Miss McGinty, I meant my dog. Can you put
him back on?... He did? Terrific!
(covers phone, to Mac and Nan)
Second in his class!
(back on phone)

19
 What?... What addiction?....
Yes, I’ve heard of peyote. Go on...

Don walks off stage into the aisle of the theatre to listen to the long, disturbing
explanation.

NAN
Mac, it’s an artifact. By law, we have to give it back to the
British government.

MAC
And we will, eventually. But…
“There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads to fortune.
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries”.
(smiles, nods to Nan to guess)

NAN
Julius Caesar, Act IV, Scene 3, but—

MAC
This is my chance to finally make it to the
Great White Way.

DON
(on phone, loud enough that they hear)
Look, my dog is my livelihood!

NAN
But why Don? You could have any producer you want.

MAC
Don Singer gave me my first acting job in New York.

NAN
An understudy for a showcase.

MAC
We know this show will be a hit, why
not share the glory with someone
who believes in my talent?

NAN
Yeah, there’s that. It’s just--

20
 MAC
It’s just you’d rather have me hand the whole thing over
to the British government and forget about it.

Don overhears this. Nan shrugs, turns away, frustrated.

DON
(on phone)
What? Yes-- hallucinogenic cactus, I heard.
Eleven hundred dollars a week,
I don’t expect my innocent dog to be
exposed to this-- I don’t give a damn
it grows in the wild!

A pounding is heard on a door at the back of the theater.

DON
Look, just send Mr. B home, I gotta go!
(hangs up)
That must be Izzie. Give me the key.

Mac takes a key he has hanging on a string around his neck and tosses it to Don. Don
heads up the aisle.

MAC
Before you open the padlock, make sure
it’s him.
DON
(stops)
Izzie?

IZZIE
It’s Izzie, baby!

Even from offstage and behind a door, Izzie’s voice fills the theater.

DON
You crazy bastard!

Don laughs, gives Mac two thumbs up, and hurries up the aisle and out. Mac turns to
Nan, beaming. She tries to smile. He takes her hands.

MAC
Nan, from the first time I put
on slops and a cod piece and spoke his
poetry--...

21
 (drawn into the memory)
“Antonio, we’ll make our leisures and attend on yours.”
(he “breaks a leg” and bows, then, sadly)
Exeunt Solarino.

NAN
What’s wrong, Solarino?

MAC
Antonio. I broke his jaw.

NAN
Ham will forgive you.

MAC
He’s been chronically hostile toward me
since he was ten.

NAN
He just envied the bond you had
with your Dad.

MAC
What bond with Dad? It’s
my acting. Ham’s jealous.

NAN
Really?

MAC
(touching his arm, already feeling the pain)
He’s going to force me to give him Hermando
and make me play some peripheral kinsman.
Ever since I let him on stage with me,
he’s undermined my career--
Antonio, the merchant of Venice,
and Salerino, his friend--

NAN
(beaming at Mac, fondly remembering)
Cayuga Civic Center, 2006.

MAC
Romeo, and Juliet’s servant, Gregory.

NAN

22
 “Romeo and Juliet”,
Nedrow Little Theater, 2008.

MAC
Christ, I think I was dead before
I even spoke in “Titus Andronicus”.

NAN
“Cruelly murdered”, Finger Lakes Outdoor
Community Players, 2011.

MAC
Sometimes, Nan, I think if
it weren’t for your encouragement,
I would have given this up long ago.

NAN
You would have?

MAC
This is my big break.

NAN
It is, I’m just not sure--...
(she stops herself)

MAC
What? That I’m....

Mac melts into a pathetic state of anxiety. Looks for and grabs a balloon to tie.

MAC
That I’m good enough? That
I have the talent?

NAN
(gently)
No! Of course you do. It’s just an experience
thing.

MAC
(sounding doubtful)
Understudy for a showcase to a title role on
Broadway is a big jump, isn’t it?

NAN

23
 (showing some relief)
Yes.

MAC
That’s how it happens! One day you’re Marlon
Brando. Ding-ding, here comes “Streetcar”.
Next day, you’re Marlon Brando.

IZZIE, 30’s, a fountain of positive, non-stop energy comes down the aisle.

IZZIE
Woah! Look at this place!

Don pulls Izzie aside, turning their backs to Nan and Mac, and speaks is quick, hushed
whispers, discreetly showing Izzie a document.

DON
We mention Shakespeare to no one until
this option is signed. If the news gets out,
the Shuberts and Nederlanders
will swoop down like vultures. We’ll be
tossed aside like day old bagels.
(turns back toward stage, laughing)
Ain’t that a great one?
( Izzie laughs along)
Mac and Nan! Izzie Peterson!

On stage, he crosses to Mac.

IZZIE
Mackenzie Hathaway! You are the
gravy train that ran me over. Man, am I honored
to be a part of this! I am big into
Shakespeare.

MAC
Don probably didn’t tell you.
My wife and I are Anglophiles.

IZZIE
Hey, whatever. Is that kids or monkeys?

MAC
It’s England.

IZZIE

24
 England? Woo! That’s weird.

Mac takes key back from Don.

MAC
(to Don)
Did you relock the door?

Don nods. Izzie has moved on to Nan.

IZZIE
This is your wife?

MAC
Yeah, this is Nan.

DON
Nan Hathaway, our Shakespearean scholar.

IZZIE
The perfect team.
(points a finger at Nan and Mac)
Did you meet doing a show?

NAN
No. We were in a Classical Literature class
together as freshmen at Syracuse.

MAC
We moved to the Big Apple straight out of college.
I pounded the pavement while she worked in the office of
Roman Darius.

DON
Darius the Dreammaker?

NAN
Hard to get steady work as a Shakespearean scholar.

IZZIE
You know Roman, too? What a producer!
He’s a dinosaur, am I right!

NAN
He’s a reptile, no question.

25
 IZZIE
And Mac--
(takes a step back)
You even look like Hermando.
“Spanish Lord” oozes from your aura.
(sniffs/to Don)
Can’t you almost smell it?

MAC
Do I have the regal stature?

IZZIE
What, are you kidding? You ever seen those
16th century portraits at the Prado?

MAC
No.

IZZIE
Spaniards back then, they came up to
your naval. You’re almost too tall.

MAC
Really?

DON
Isn’t he great? I love working with Iz.

NAN
You’ve produced together before?

IZZIE
We met at the Four Seasons.

DON
I gotta tell the story. I’m in the
restroom. Have you ever had a hair
get caught across your--
(turns and finds Nan there)
Sometimes men-- A hair can deflect the
stream of, uh-- Are you following me?

NAN
I am. Can I stop now?

DON

26
 Anyway, my pant leg looks like a Jackson Pollock
and I’ve got important investors waiting at the
table for me--

IZZIE
I’m lunching with Bobby DeNiro-- he actually
loves solitude-- so I know I have time.

DON
Izzie-- the crazy bastard-- lends me his
pants to wear.

IZZIE
Hey, I knew the score.

DON
I go have lunch, secure the deal.

IZZIE
Meanwhile, I rinse Don’s pants in the sink and
use the hand dryer.

DON
We’ve been pals ever since.

NAN
And what shows have you produced, Izzie?

IZZIE
You ever heard of “Rent”?

NAN
Yeah, I saw it, too. I don’t recall your
name in the program.

IZZIE
That’s all in arbitration, Nan. Seller,
McCullum, and Gordon, they screwed myself
and one other guy on the billing.

MAC
Yeah, I think I read about a lawsuit there.

IZZIE
So what is this place? You have balloons.

27
 MAC
That’s my business.

IZZIE
Balloons?

NAN
(beaming with pride)
“Small Business of the Year” in Oneonta County,
two years running.

IZZIE
Hey, good business, happy marriage--

NAN
(caressing Mac’s back, with loving nostalgia)
I’ll never forget that night in Honolulu. Mac had the
biggest release in U.S. History.

IZZIE
Wuh-Ho! Prowess in bed. What more can you want?

NAN
And it all started with that one
helium tank.

DON
This, I did not know.

MAC
My father gave up farming, converted the barn
into a theater and became a clown magician.

NAN
(a fond memory)
Captain Balooni did magic shows here every
weekend.

DON
So you didn’t get your Shakespeare from Papa.

MAC
No. He was a Chekov fan.
(beat)
Can we talk about the show?

28
 IZZIE
Oh. Well, clearly we need a star.
Someone with marquee value.

NAN
Shakespeare isn’t marquee value?

IZZIE
You’re talking selling tragedy to a consumer
who kept “Cats” running through four
Presidencies. Is there a good girl part in
this show?

NAN
Rosaline.

IZZIE
Is she Jennifer Lawrence or Sandra Bullock?

NAN
She’s the Duchess of Alba.

IZZIE
Right, but are we talking about....
(lightly, an impression)
Nicole Kidman... or
(huskily, another impression)
Rosie O’Donnell.

NAN
Do you know these people?

IZZIE
I play softball with Rosie in the Broadway Show league
every Thursday. Sandra, I dated in college at Greensboro.
Jennifer, we see each other around.
And Nicole, I handle her butt double.

MAC
(impressed)
Woah!

NAN
(to Don)
“Iz” says he can get Sandra Bullock
and Jennifer Lawrence.

29
 IZZIE
I know them, it doesn’t
mean I can get them.
Boy, your wife is a ball buster.
I love her!

MAC
Me, too. She’s Italian!

NAN
(to Izzie, handing him Don’s phone)
Let’s see you call Nicole Kidman.

DON
Doesn’t matter. We need a gal who’s
available now. Not after they finish
their next three movies.

IZZIE
Why? What’s the rush?

DON
The phrase is “public domain”. Our play
was written in the 16th century,
it’s in the public domain.
Once the news is out, it’ll be bedlam.
(to Mac)
If you want the glory, we have to premiere it now
before it’s snatched from under our noses.

MAC
Really?

DON
I’ve got it! Luma LaRonde.

MAC
Luma LaRonde? You know her?

DON
Know? I gave her her start on Broadway.

MAC
But she’s a huge movie star.

30
 DON
(crossed fingers)
We’re like that!

MAC
I would play across from Luma LaRonde?

NAN
Didn’t she have a breakdown?

DON
For publicity. It’s the fashion.

NAN
No, I think she legitimately went nuts and
became Amish.

MAC
(a starry-eyed fan)
She was last seen near Lancaster loading gallon
tubs of Moose Tracks onto the back of
her Amish cart.

DON
Get me on the horn with Luma and
she’s ours.

NAN
The Amish have a closed community and
no telephones.

IZZIE
Relax, we’ll get her.

DON
Izzie, once Luma LaRonde commits,
we’ll need to move quickly.

IZZIE
I’ll work out the budget and book the
theater.

DON
Really?

IZZIE

31
 No problem.

DON
With Mr. B back in action, I can raise a million
in short order.

IZZIE
I’ll raise the other five.

DON
You can? How soon?

IZZIE
(runs it through his head)
Tomorrow?

DON
Izzie!
(hugs him/to others)
The Wunderkind! I love him!
(Don kisses him and adds
a playful bite on the nose)

IZZIE
I’ll just need some seed money.

NAN
Oh, no.

MAC
Nan?

NAN
Forget it.

IZZIE
Don?

DON
I never invest in my own shows.
It’s a cardinal rule.

IZZIE
Look, money cannot become
an issue between us.

32
 DON
I have about a hundred and fifty grand, but that’s
to finance me and Mr. B’s retirement to
Florida.

IZZIE
A buck-fifty will do it. I’ll toss in another
eighty-nine that I have liquid.

Izzie holds out hand.

DON
You want me to give it to you now?

IZZIE
Four weeks! We have to hire our
publicity people yesterday.
We have to set up an office,
create the partnership.
(Don is nervous, uncertain)
Here, Don, whatever, take my Rolex.

Izzie takes off his watch.

NAN
I thought you trusted Izzie
like your right hand.

DON
(beat)
I do!

Don shakes Izzie’s hand firmly, and as they break from the handshake, Don snatches the
Rolex from Izzie’s hand and pockets it, then pulls out his checkbook and starts writing.

IZZIE
There’s only one other problem. The option.

DON
Geez, I hadn’t thought of that.

MAC
What?

DON
Anymore, I have the memory of a June bug.

33
Don pulls agreement from pocket, hands it to Mac, and then continues writing out check,
all very nonchalantly.

DON (cont’d)
I wrote up the agreement in my office and forgot
all about it.

NAN
What agreement?

DON
Oh, it’s just the exclusive U.S. and International
rights to produce your play in all media
for the next ten years.

NAN
I thought the play was in the public domain?

DON
But you’ve gotta have paper. In this business,
believe me. We all sign and it’s done.

NAN
Mac?

MAC
Nan’s right. If you can get a lease on the theatre
and sign Luma LaRonde, then I’ll give you
the option.

NAN DON
Mac, wait-- But it’s not done that way!

IZZIE
Consider it a deal.

DON
Yes?

IZZIE
Yes. I’ll go get Luma.

Izzie takes check from Don, crosses to costume trunk, rifles through it.

NAN

34
 You’re driving to Amish country?

Izzie turns to Don, holding a false beard to himself and wearing a tall black hat.

IZZIE
How do I look?

DON
Like a Hasidic rabbi.

IZZIE
Close enough. Don, you start working on
your investors.

DON
I’m picking up Mr. B at Kennedy
for the 8 A.M. dog walk.

IZZIE
Baby!

DON
And it’ll be more than dog-dookie I carry away in my
paper bag!
(laughs)

IZZIE
Don, you’re it. The dinosaur of producers.
The T-Rex!

DON
(to Mac)
Give me the key!
(Mac does)
Damn, this is fun. If it ain’t fun, you
might as well sell buttons!

Izzie and Don laugh, slapping each other on the back as the exit.

MAC
(calling after them)
Leave the key in the lock!

NAN
I’m going, hon. I need to do some research.

35
 MAC
On what?

NAN
Hermando, the Cid of Madrid,
and your producers.

MAC
They’re a little crazy. Show biz people are
like that, Nan.

NAN
It doesn’t bother you that we’ve never
heard of the Broadway shows Don Singer
produced?

MAC
No. It’s a fickle business.

NAN
It doesn’t bother you that Izzie just drove
off in a yellow school bus?

MAC
No. He’s an eccentric. Nan, the day this show closes,
we fly to our cottage in England. I promise.

NAN
(pause)
You really want this, don’t you?

MAC
(takes her hand)
More than anything.

NAN
(beat)
I love you, Mac.

MAC
You mean: “Hermando, the Cid of Madrid”.

Black out.

36
 Scene Three

The same, the following afternoon. A knock on the door. The door of the standing
wardrobe opens, revealing Mac, entering through a black curtain through the false wall
behind the wardrobe. Mac carries a plastic battle axe and has dark circles under his eyes.

NAN (offstage)
Mac, are you all right?

MAC
Coming!

Mac whistles “I’ve Got Sixpence” as he happily skips up the aisle to retrieve Nan. He
enters first, then turns back on Nan, who looks at the axe with trepidation.

NAN
Mac, what’s going on? You have circles under
your eyes.

MAC
These are happy circles. I haven’t
slept. The first three acts are
memorized.

They reach the stage.

NAN
What do you think?

MAC
Heavy stuff. From his early period, I think.
Very Titus Andronicus-sie. I’ve even developed
my Castilian dialect.
(Upstate accent undiminished)
“Good Dom Diego, a plague
hath set upon our kingdom
These half score years since my goodly father
Rode forth acrosst Mauretania on his most Holy Reconquista.”

Mac looks to Nan for a reaction.

NAN
(beat)

37
 Good!

MAC
Does it sound Castilian enough?

NAN
It sounds like Antonio Banderas drove his tractor
down from Winnipeg.

She tries to get Mac to laugh with her. He doesn’t.

NAN
You kind of still have your accent.

MAC
What accent?

NAN
Your cute little Upstate New York accent.

MAC
I don’t have an accent. You’re thinking
of Ham.

NAN
Say “half”.

MAC
Half.

NAN
“Dom”.

MAC
Dom.

NAN
“Across”.

MAC
Acrosst. No one’s expecting me to get rid of it
on the first try.

Mac turns away, clearly hurt.

NAN

38
 No, that’s true. They’ll probably have a dialect
coach. You’ll be great.

MAC
Thanks, Nan.

Mac gives her a kiss then takes a few practice swings with the battle-axe.

NAN
What’s with the axe?

MAC
(gestures to wardrobe)
Found it in Dad’s prop cellar. For Alejandro, the
Count of Seville. We duel with battle axes.

NAN
(with disappointment in her voice)
Oh, yeah. You sever him at the torso
and present it to his daughter on a pike.

MAC
Hey, the groundlings loved blood and guts
back then as much as our groundlings do today.

She pulls out her glasses, and opens a binder.

NAN
I’ve compiled a list of active
producers who have mounted successful Broadway
productions in the last five years.

MAC
I have producers.

NAN
You have Lenny and Squiggy.
Mac, to pull this off, you need a producer
who can surround you with the best talent.

MAC
Well, you know Roman Darius. Why don’t
you call him?

NAN
I only worked in his office for six months.

39
 MAC
I thought he liked you.

NAN
Roman Darius is a fiend. A soul-sucking, moral-eating
anathema.

MAC
(beat)
So will you call him?

NAN
No!

MAC,
Then I’m sticking with Don.

NAN
That’s like sticking with an eleven in Blackjack.

MAC
Look, Don’s already
got us the sexiest woman in America.

NAN
The sexiest? Says who?

MAC
People.

NAN
Which people?

MAC
The magazine. “The twenty sexiest women
of 2012”, Luma was number one.
Hamilton worships her.

NAN
I don’t think she’s that sexy.
(waits for Mac to agree)
Do you?
(he shrugs/obviously, he does)
Sexier than me?

40
 MAC
I think you’re the best.

NAN
Sexier than me?

MAC
(beat)
Am I sexier than Channing Tatum?

NAN
Yes.

MAC
No, I’m not.

NAN
So that’s your answer?

Banging on the outer door, Mac moves off to unlock it.

MAC
Nan, you do this a lot.
Am I classier than Meryl Streep?
Am I more beautiful than Scarlett Johanson?
I mean, give me something to work with.
Emma Thompson, Glenn Close.

Banging on the door.

IZZIE (offstage)
It’s Izzie, baby, I’ve got Miss LaRonde!

Mac stiffens with excitement, fixes his hair and exits to let them in. Izzie bursts in,
pushing Mac back with the small Italian Ice cart he is pushing.

IZZIE
(quietly)
Whatever I say, just go with it.
(grand intro)
Here she is, boys! Here she is world,
here’s Luma!

LUMA LARONDE, 30’s, quite heavy, enters wearing the traditional Amish costume and
bonnet. Still beautiful, and when she chooses to be, as sexy and alluring as any woman on
earth. Right now, she looks stoic.

41
 MAC
Miss LaRonde, it’s-- woah!

IZZIE
This is Mac Hathaway, the man I was telling
you about.

MAC
Hi, uhm... Hi!

LUMA
You seem unsettled... imbalanced.

MAC
Oh, no. It’s just the last time I saw
you, I think you were on a magazine
cover wearing a feather boa and thong.

LUMA
I didn’t know that person.

MAC
Which person?

LUMA
The Luma LaRonde you mentioned.

MAC
The one in the thong?

LUMA
This is who I am.

Luma digs her finger into a tub of ice cream inside the cart and slowly licks it off her
finger, all the while staring deeply into Mac’s eyes.

IZZIE
And we love every square inch of ya.
Luma, this is Nan, our Elizabethan scholar.

Luma glances at Nan then resumes on Mac. She digs the same finger into the ice cream
and offers it to Mac.

LUMA
Want a lick?

42
Mac is mesmerized, his mouth hanging open enough for Luma to stick her finger in and
scrap the ice cream off on his tongue. The ice cream remnants on her finger she uses as a
balm on his lips.

MAC
Karamel Sutra?

LUMA
Karamel Sutra.

NAN
Hey! I’m his wife! Next time you’re wondering where
to stick your finger, ask me.

LUMA
Hmm.

Luma smiles, moves to Nan. Looks at her much the way she had at Mac.

NAN
Look, maybe you misconstrued my finger
reference.

LUMA
Never be afraid of me.
(touches her arm)
I’m about “healing”. Healing and wholing.
Wholing and healing.

Nan fights Luma’s mesmerizing quality, pulls her arm away.

LUMA
If I can just teach you to eat your pain.
You’re holding it inside, I see it
throbbing in the lines on your face.

NAN
Look, I have no pain.

LUMA
We all have pain.

NAN
None that I want you teaching me how to eat.

43
 LUMA
Some of us drink our pain,
some of us funnel it into our lovers
or beat it out of our children.
Most of us store it in our muscles and
our organs until it bursts out as ulcers
or heart attacks or cancer.

MAC
Gee, God.

LUMA
I eat it. But I know that I‘m eating it.
I rejoice in eating it. And once it’s eaten,
it’s gone. Two years ago, I was 115 pounds
of constricted anguish. Now, I am point one
tons of billowing pleasure!

She grabs Mac and kisses him deeply. Mac tries to pull away, but can’t. Nan jumps in,
pries her away.

NAN
Okay! Off him!

Luma turns from Mac to Nan, kisses Nan in the same way. Nan pushes her off.

NAN
Off me!

LUMA
(to Nan and Mac)
Open up the gate. Let me pour into you.

Izzie claps his hands and opens his arms to Luma.

IZZIE
Pour into me, baby! I am your
empty Izzie vessel!

LUMA
(dismissive)
Fetch my cart.

MAC
Miss LaRonde, we would love to
have you pour into all of us, eventually.

44
 We are just so honored you
would deign to come.

Pounding on the door.

DON (offstage)
It’s Don! Let me in!

Izzie unlocks the door while Mac wheels the ice cream cart over near Luma. From her
bosom, Luma pulls a petite gold spoon hanging from a gold chain and non-chalantly eats
while perusing the manuscript.

Don enters. His pants are torn, his face dirty. He is clearly frazzled, but trying to
maintain his poise.

MAC
Don, are you all right?

DON
We’re great, kid. Just great.

MAC
Where’s your dog?

DON
In the car.

MAC
Are the windows cracked?

DON
They are now.
(points outside)
Who’s limo is that?

As Don walks toward the stage, we see bloody paw prints are on the back of his light
overcoat.

MAC
Don, what’s on your back?

DON
My back?

MAC
Looks like bloody paw prints.

45
 DON
No, that doesn’t sound right.

Don removes his coat.

IZZIE
Don, the power walk. A success?

DON
What, you want me to brag?

IZZIE
Mr. B didn’t hump anyone?
(laughs)

DON
(laughs also)
No. No, he didn’t do that.

NAN
Mac, can we talk?

Nan takes Mac aside onto the steps leading to the stage and mimes a private conversation.
Don pulls Izzie to the opposite side of the stage.

DON
It was a massacre.

IZZIE
What?

DON
Miss McGinty only fed him enough
dope to keep him tripping til he landed,
the bitch.

IZZIE
Don, you’re not making sense.

DON
Peyote! Mr. B is addicted. He started coming
down off his high at the corner of 61st and
Fifth. By the time we reached the Plaza,
he had transformed into Cerberus. He tore out the
tongue of Mr. Schwan’s Gucci loafers.

46
 He bloodied the cuff of Mr. Reichman’s
charcoal Armani. Then he turned on Mrs. Feingold...

IZZIE
What?

DON
No, it’s too gruesome.

IZZIE
(grabs his shoulders)
Don, just say it!

DON
He ate her Chiquaqua!
(beat; off Izzie’s confused expression)
Her dog! He ate it!

IZZIE
The whole thing?

DON
Yes! No! What’s it matter! He eats
three quarters, I’m still up Plotz Creek!

Don removes his glasses and rubs his face, clearly at the end of his rope.

IZZIE
Dono the dinosaur. You ain’t extinct yet, baby.
Izzie’s got the goods. Office space on West 57th.
“Peterson and Singer” on the door.
Top lawyer on retainer. Graphic artists
at work on the logo. The publicity
juggernaut set into motion.

DON
Izzie, it’s fantastic. You worked up a budget?
(Izzie nods)
How much?

IZZIE
In your wildest dreams, what’s
the least you figured we
could do it for?

DON

47
 (shrugs)
Three point five?

IZZIE
Three point four.

DON
(perks up a bit)
That’s great. That’s doable!
Did you look into a theater?

IZZIE
(pulls out a contract)
Booked.

DON
Which one?

IZZIE
If you could be in any theater
on Broadway, which would it be?

DON
The Minskoff?
(Izzie smiles, holds up lease contract)
But “The Lion King” is there.

IZZIE
Closes Sunday.

DON
What?

IZZIE
The puppeteer union’s on strike.

DON
I hadn’t read anything!

IZZIE
The news just broke.

DON
Izzie!
(slaps his back, kisses him)

48
 IZZIE
And we got a new limo.

DON
The one outside? It’s ours?

IZZIE
I couldn’t pick up Miss LaRonde
in a school bus.

DON
You got her?
(Izzie nods)

Don walks past him, rubbing his hands together, and notices Luma for the first time.

DON (continued)
Oh, baby! We’re gonna kill ‘em!
We’re gonna break every box
office record! We’ll be running on the
moon in 3000! Who’s the fat nun?

LUMA
(without looking up)
Hi, Don.

Don grinds to a halt. At a loss for a moment, he quickly recovers, becoming his lovable,
ingratiating self.

DON
(at a loss, then recovering)
Luma?... Luma, aren’t you a sight
for sore eyes! My eyes… are sore.

IZZIE
(enthusiastically)
She’s been eating her pain, Don.

DON
(happily polite)
Oh, terrific.

IZZIE
It’s a dynamite concept.

DON

49
 You have your own ice cream cart?

IZZIE
No, I rented it.
(gives Luma a wink)
One of her perks.

LUMA
I started on raw meat.
To have graduated to a semi-solid, non-chewable
milk fat in only two years shows remarkable
progress.

DON
Remarkable.

LUMA
I don’t apologize for my weight.

DON
“Fat” is never having to say you’re sorry.

LUMA
Patronize me again and I walk.

DON
Oh, no—

LUMA
This is not forever. Once
all my pain is devoured, I’ll stop.

DON
Terrific. When might this be? We open
in four weeks.

Mac crosses to them with Nan.

MAC
Don, Izzie, we need to talk. Um--
Nan’s thinking, and I am, we might have
jumped the gun.

LUMA
This is the script?

50
 MAC
This is difficult but, I think I’m going to
have to take the project elsewhere--

LUMA
“I beseech thee, dear prince...”

Luma begins. This simple reading carries incredible weight, tension, and power. All the
weirdness and pretense melts away. She is intense, grounded and mesmerizing. We
realize she could act the recipe for meatloaf and we would be riveted. She connects with
each person onstage, moving casually a step or two toward each when she addresses
them.

LUMA (cont’d)
Recede with thy mercy
The river whose course you have altered
And made to run red with the blood of your kinsmen
Hold fast to the tenuous threads
Still binding you to the august nature
And honored state of thy father.

Luma holds moment, then returns to her spoon and ice cream.

MAC
Was that Rosaline?

LUMA
(checks)
Madio, Sergeant-at-arms.
(eats)

DON
She’s still got it.

IZZIE
Woah.

MAC
Star quality, you know, they talk about it--

IZZIE
That’s it.

NAN
I admit she’s good, but--

51
 DON
We’ll pull this out of the frying pan yet.
Once Mr. B’s stash arrives from Albuquerque,
I’ll curb him with the Westchester
crowd.

NAN
His stash?

DON
Peyote buttons. I have been places
in New York City-- Crack, I could
have scored enough to patch
an aging dike, but peyote?

NAN
You fed your dog drugs?

DON
Not yet. They’re coming here Fed Ex from
some Navajo dope dealer I found
on the Internet.

Luma chuckles to herself, still eating.

LUMA
Don, buddy, you are really, really out there.

DON
(chuckles)
Yeah, I’m a wacky old coot.

Don gently tries to tug the cart away from her. It becomes a subtle tug-of-war.

DON (cont’d)
Luma--

LUMA
I’m not going to stop eating.

DON
Of course not. But couldn’t
you binge on lettuce?

LUMA
Salad inflicts more pain

52
 than it absorbs.

DON
For the sake of the show, darling,
sometimes you have to walk into the
valley of the shadow of death.
I’m going to Westchester to
raise money from WASPs.

Yanks the cart away from Don, almost pulling him off his feet.

LUMA
Look, you’ve already made me forsake my
adopted religion today. Don’t push it.

IZZIE
Don?

Izzie pulls Don aside.

DON
(urgent whisper)
We can’t cast a grossly overweight
woman in the romantic lead!

IZZIE
Of course we can! It’ll be the most
P.C. casting since Melissa McCarthy and
Tracey Morgan did “Porgy and Bess”.

DON
They did?

IZZIE
The critics won’t dare attack us!

DON
(thinks/smiles)
You bastard! If only I had met you when
I was in my forties!

IZZIE
I would have been a zygote.

DON
Knowing you, you were already

53
 connected!

IZZIE
I was! To my mother!

Izzie and Don laugh. Don moves to Luma, takes her little spoon from her hand.

DON
Luma, my darling...
(he feeds her a mouthful of ice cream)

LUMA
I keep the cart?

DON
Cart? There’ll be a Good Humor truck parked
at the stage door of the Minskoff every night.
On to Broadway!

MAC
Thank goodness. Can we finally
start rehearsing?

NAN
Rehearsing? But what about the fifth act?

We hear a door slam off stage.

MAC
Don, when Izzie let you in, did
you relock the door?

DON
Of course.

IZZIE
Did we?

DON
Didn’t we?

MAC
(beat)
Oh, my God, he’s out there.

LUMA

54
 Who?

MAC
Ham.

LUMA
Who?

NAN
Here?

DON
Hell!

IZZIE
Hey!... Calm down. We have him outnumbered.
(calls)
Hamilton? I’m a producer, here’s my
card.

Izzie holds out his business card, sweeping it across the house. There is no answer.

MAC
He’s out there.

DON
(whispers to Izzie)
Negotiate with him.

IZZIE
Ham, we’ve got a role for ya!

DON
(whispers)
A plum role.

IZZIE
A plum role.

MAC
(whispers)
Meaty.

IZZIE
A meaty plum role. Mmm, makes
ya hungry. Hungry for stardom.

55
A sound from somewhere at the back of the auditorium.

IZZIE
(quietly)
Okay: Don, take orchestra left.
Luma, orchestra right. Nan, the lobby.
I’ll check the hay loft.

They all cautiously move off stage, leaving Mac alone. Mac picks up his plastic battle
axe. He sees the script alone and goes to stand guard in front of it.

MAC
Ham, I’m sorry. You know how the Bard
can make me crazy, but this is only
fair. I gave you your first shot at
Shakespeare.

The wardrobe door behind Mac slowly opens, revealing Ham. The left side of his face is
discolored purple by a giant bruise. He holds a long knife.

MAC (cont’d)
I took over Dad’s business so
you could go on acting.

Ham creeps quietly out.

MAC
I made the money that bought us the land in England.
What have you ever sacrificed? Your jaw?
(beat)
I’m sorry, Ham. Obviously, your jaw is --
The point is, I love you...
...but if you try to take this away from me, I swear I’ll--

Ham puts Mac in a headlock and brings up the knife. The others race back into the theater
just as Ham speaks through a jaw that is wired shut.

HAM
‘Engeance is ‘ine!

Ham thrusts the knife into Mac’s heart . Screams and gasps. Lights out. End Act I.

ACT II

56
 Scene One

The following day. Mac lies dead on top of the trunk, his head and legs hanging off the
edges. Luma stands to one side of him, Ham to the other.

Mac clutches the manuscript in his dead hands. Ham holds a plastic battle axe, checking
his lines by craning his neck and looking down at Mac’s script. An elated Don is in the
stage right aisle on the cell phone. Izzie stands watching from another aisle. Nan watches
from a seat at the front of the audience.

HAM
(as Seville)
Da ‘ing i’ ‘ed.
(The king is dead)

DON
(in fine spirits)
Ten more pounds of peyote!

HAM
‘On’ i’ da ‘ing.
(Long live the king)

Ham’s gaze meets Luma’s. It is love at first sight. They stare, transfixed. When not
acting, much of Luma’s strange mystical pretense has been replaced by the qualities of a
shy, smitten teenager.

DON
I don’t know how, kid. You’re the criminal, I’m
just a producer.
(laughs warmly)
Hey, this narcotic peddling-- good money?...

LUMA
Cruel, cruel fate.

DON
Have you ever considered investing
in a Broadway show?...
Too risky. Sure, I understand.

LUMA
Wed but a fortnight, our union broke...

DON

57
 Okay, you crazy dope peddler, we’ll
chat later!
(hangs up)

LUMA
So Spain and England, their bond revoke.

Mac jumps up.

MAC
(very, very zestfully)
“Life lived is life to live!”

Mac tears the axe from Ham’s hand, and whacks him in the back with it. Ham “breaks
character”.

HAM
Oo tut ny ats.
(You took my axe)

MAC
(breaks character)
I have to cleft you in twain and present
you to your daughter on a pike.

Ham takes axe.

HAM
‘Et er own ats.
(Get your own axe)

Mac takes axe.

MAC
This is my axe.

Luma takes axe.

LUMA
I think Hamilton should have the axe.

Luma hands axe to Ham, meets his gaze. They stare transfixed.

MAC
Dad only had one axe in the prop cellar.

58
Mac grabs the knife with which Ham allegedly slew him.

MAC
Use the phony knife.

This breaks Ham’s focus from Luma. Mac pats on the knife, which has a retracting blade.

HAM
Oo ooze ‘a ‘oney ‘ife!
(You use the phony knife)

MAC
Oh, yeah, I cut you in half with this?

LUMA
It’s rehearsal.

HAM
‘Or ‘it it! Ine ‘ot ‘aying ‘a ‘ill.
(Forget it! I’m not playing Seville)
(taps on manuscript)
At oo, ene ‘or, an’ Ine ‘ed.
(Act Two, Scene Four and I’m dead)

LUMA
It’s a valid point.

MAC
What?

LUMA
Act II, Scene Four, Seville is dead. We’d hate to lose
Hamilton’s presence from the play that early.

Ham’s gaze meets Luma’s, they stare transfixed.

MAC
What presence? It’s like losing
Kylie Jenner from a Mensa Convention.
(no response)
Would you stop staring, transfixed!

HAM
On’t ‘ate ‘e ‘it ‘oo!
{Don’t make me hit you)

59
 MAC
I’m not making you hit me!

HAM
‘En ‘ih ‘ee ‘Her’ando.
{Then give me Hermando}

MAC
No! You couldn’t play Hermando anyway!

HAM
‘I not?
{Why not}

MAC
Your jaw is broken.

HAM
Oo ‘aunt oo ee at i?
(You want to see Act Five)

MAC
Act Five? Oh, the end of the play?
No, you can keep it.
Elizabethan theatre. There’s only
two or three endings. I’ll improvise the rest.

LUMA
(ferociously)
If you want me, you give Hamilton
a role worthy of him.

HAM
I ‘oun’ a ‘it!
{I found the script}

MAC
You didn’t find the script! We found it
together.

HAM
‘O ‘id ‘ee I ‘at ‘a ‘a at.
{So give me my act and a half}

MAC
I’m not giving you your act and a half.

60
 The Fates decreed I should get four acts and
you, one. Like a wishbone-- I got the wish
and you got--….

Ham hits him in the arm.

MAC
Why is it I never hit you back?

Ham smiles, shrugs, welcomes him to bring it on. Mac backs down.

MAC
What about Prince Sergio
of Turin! Perfect for you! Barbarian, ill-tempered
and look at all his lines!

Ham rifles through the script.

HAM
(points to spot in script)
“Alat’, I ‘an ‘lain!”... A’t ‘ee, ‘ene un. A’t ‘ee, ‘ene un!
{Alas, I am slain... Act III, Scene One. Act III-Scene One!}

MAC
Yeah, he makes it all the way to Act Three.
(Ham gives him a threatening look)
Ham, I’m on a crusade to avenge
my father. A lot of great roles get slain.
(another threatening look)
I’m playing Hermando!

HAM
‘I naid a ta-ear layin orrior tings!
{I made a career playing warrior kings}

MAC
You made a career playing warrior kings
by sabotaging me. I was up for Mark Antony. I see you
talking to the director after auditions and pointing to me.
Cast list goes up, you’re Caesar, I’m Clitus.
(said with short i)

NAN
(beaming at Mac, says with long i)
Clitus, Servant to Brutus.

61
 MAC
Dad and I both knew I was the one with the real talent.

HAM
O, tun on!
{Oh, come on}

MAC
I swore I wouldn’t-- Dad said, “For Ham,
pursuing a career on the stage
is a waste of time.”

HAM
‘Ad ‘ed ‘at?
{Dad said that}

MAC
Yes, Dad said that!

HAM
(looks to heaven and the clown)
I id un ee el ee?
{Why didn’t he tell me?}

MAC
You can’t tell someone you love that
they don’t have the talent. It would crush them.
They would resent you for the rest of their lives.
Nan and I discussed this.
(he looks to Nan to explain)

NAN
You can only gently discourage someone and hope
he realizes it for himself.

MAC
So, I’m trying to gently discourage you.

LUMA
Hamilton has more talent than you in his little pinky.

MAC
In his what?

LUMA
(gestures to Ham)

62
 In his little pinky!

Luma sees the mild innuendo, glances at his crotch then giggles. Ham raises an eyebrow.
They then stare at each other, transfixed.

MAC
What is with you two? I feel like
I’m at dinner with the teenaged MacBeths.

LUMA
(blushing)
What do you mean?

MAC
You’re acting so weird... Well,
I mean a different weird.

HAM
‘Ont ‘all ‘er ‘eird.
{Don’t call her weird)

MAC
Look, hit me all you want!
Sergio of Turin, that’s the second lead,
take it or leave it.

HAM
‘Ur ‘other.

MAC
Your mother? Same to you.

HAM
‘Een ‘Oosa ‘inda.

LUMA
Queen Lucalinda, yes. Men played all
the women’s roles in Shakespeare’s time.

MAC
Small boned, elegant men. Not him.

HAM
(attempting effeminate)
I ‘av a ‘enina’ ide.
(I have a feminine side)

63
 MAC
Ham, even your feminine side has
back hair and smells like gym socks.

Ham hits him.

HAM
(emphatically)
‘Oosa ‘inda or elt!
{Lucalinda or else)

MAC
Why do you want to play the Queen?
(Ham raises his eyebrows)
What happens in Act Five?
(Ham raises his eyebrows again)
I want to read Act Five!

DON
We will need to see Act Five soon.

Ham points to himself, then to Mac, does the “cut throat” gesture.

MAC
You kill me? My own mother kills me?

Ham nods happily. Gestures to himself and Luma, makes “cut throat” sign.

MAC
My wife and mother kill me?
(Ham makes sleep on pillow gesture)
While I sleep?
(Ham draws line between Mac and Luma,
then pillow thing again)
While I’m in bed with my wife?
(Ham nods and points to himself)
While I’m in bed with my wife and mother?
(Ham makes “on the nose” gesture)

DON
(squeamish concern)
Yeez.

IZZIE
Hey, the Oedipus thing is never

64
 out of style.

NAN
It’s Oedipus who commits patricide. His
mother only sleeps with him.

IZZIE
Only? Man, those Romans were kinky.

NAN
Oedipus was a Greek.

IZZIE
No kidding, sounds like he was
into everything.

HAM
And, I ‘ave the ‘ast ‘ine.
{And I have the last line}

MAC
So you’re willing to play a woman just
so that you can kill me and have the last line?

Ham claps his hands and points to Mac “Bingo!”

DON
Where exactly is Act Five?

Ham points to his head.

DON
Only you know, I realize--

Ham shakes his head, then points to his temple.

MAC
It’s... It’s in your head. Where’s
the manuscript?

Ham illustrates lighting a match, dropping it on something, and illustrating burning

flames.

MAC
Do that again. Only this time, don’t make
it look like you set it on fire.

65
Ham snaps his fingers and points to Mac “bingo!”.

MAC
The only existing, original manuscript.
You torched it!

Ham claps his hands once, gestures “and”, points to Mac, then to his own head,
illustrating a hat.

MAC
And?... And my hat? You incinerated
my Salerino hat?

Snaps his fingers and points.

MAC
Why?

HAM
‘E ‘enge!
{Revenge!}

MAC
Revenge. But why the manuscript?

HAM
‘O at ‘oo wo--!
{So that you wo--}

Again, his painful jaw makes him return to gestures. “So that you wouldn’t steal it.”

MAC
So that I-- So that I wouldn’t steal it?
Are you an imbecile?

Ham hits Mac in upper arm.

LUMA
You memorized the entire act? My goodness.

IZZIE
Hey, that works for me! Mac, if you can just
sign the option for Act one through four,
we’ll add a rider for Ham’s intellectual
property-- Act Five-- and we’re off

66
 to the races.

NAN
This is nonsense, Mac. Everyone’s
just blowing smoke up your ass.

DON
Smoke? Here’s five checks
totaling two hundred and fifty
grand. That ain’t smoke
I’m blowing up your ass, it’s fire!

IZZIE
You raised all that this morning?

DON
Not me-- Mr. B. The new Mr. B.

IZZIE
The peyote helped?

DON
Helped? The other dogs were drawn to him
like lepers to a carpenter. Even the owners--
It was the look in Mr. B’s eyes.
Total serenity. The wisdom of the
ages. The cadence of his walk, the ease
of his stride... It was mesmerizing.

NAN
Two hundred and fifty thousand? You
said you could raise a million.

DON
A one to four ratio of what I do
to what I say? Exemplary numbers
for a producer.

IZZIE
And I’ve already got 3.1 million in escrow.
So we’re there.

DON
Now let’s sign that good old goddamned option!

Don pulls out the option agreement.

67
 NAN
Mac, I’m giving you one last chance.
You don’t hand over a Ming Vase to
a pair of blind jugglers.

MAC
You do if the blind jugglers are
willing to let you play Hermando
on Broadway.

LUMA
Leo is playing Hermando on Broadway.
You’re just the understudy.

MAC
Who said that?

LUMA
(looks at Izzie)
One of the blind jugglers.

DON
What blind jugglers?

NAN
Who’s Leo?

LUMA
(threateningly, to Izzie)
Look! I had a quiet loft in a grain silo,
just a five minute cart ride from
a Ben N Jerry’s. I forsook that because
you said that Leo and I would co-star.

DON
What the hell are we talking about?

LUMA
Leo better be on board!

DON
He’s on board, sweetheart. Captain Don will
Shanghai him if I have to!
What’s Leo’s last name?

68
 LUMA
DiCaprio.

DON
Leo--... Leonardo DiCaprio?

IZZIE
(beaming with pride)
Leonardo DiCaprio!

DON
(pause)
Kids, Izzie and I need to talk producer talk.

Don ushers them toward the back of the theatre. Nan grabs the manuscript, before
leaving.

MAC
Understudy? I didn’t agree to that.

DON
Don’t worry, Iz and I will sort it
all out.

They are gone. Don turns to Izzie, sighs heavily.

DON
You told Luma we had Leonardo DiCaprio?

IZZIE
We can get him.

DON
Are you nuts?

IZZIE
It was the only way I could get her out
of the silo.

DON
What about Mac?

IZZIE
He understudies Leo.

69
 DON
You can get Leo?

IZZIE
I got Leo.

DON
You know Leo?

IZZIE
(obviously)
Leo!

DON
You’re not lying about Leo?

IZZIE
Why would I lie about Leo?

DON
One of the dog owners had tickets
to see “The Lion King” next month.
She called the Minskoff
on her cell phone. “The Lion King” has
an open ended run with
no plans on closing in the foreseeable
future.

IZZIE
That’s crazy.

DON
Should we call the Minskoff?

IZZIE
The strike! The puppeteers union
must have caved in! Ohh! The
spineless cowards!

DON
Izzie?

IZZIE
No matter, there are fifty-six Broadway theaters--

DON

70
 There are forty.

IZZIE
When I say Broadway Theater, I mean--

DON
We ran into each other three times at
the Four Seasons.

IZZIE
Yes.

DON
Always in the bathroom.

IZZIE
Small bladder.

DON
Are you the bathroom attendant at
the Four Seasons?

IZZIE
Don, baby, I think the milk’s dried up in
your coconut.

DON
Izzie, are you a compulsive liar?

IZZIE
No.

DON
Are you a compulsive liar?

IZZIE
No.

DON
Are you a compulsive liar!?

IZZIE
No!

DON
(beat)

71
 My God, YOU ARE!

IZZIE
Don, where is this coming from?

DON
You lied about the Minskoff.

IZZIE
No.

DON
I caught you lying.

IZZIE
I don’t think so.

DON
I just caught you!

IZZIE
How?

DON
Izzie, did you produce “Rent”?

IZZIE
Yes.

DON
Did you produce “Rent”?

IZZIE
I was an associate producer.

DON
Did you produce “Rent”?

IZZIE
In effect. I ushered one night.
(Izzie stifles a sudden whimper)

DON
(beat)
WHY!? Why did you--?

72
 IZZIE
Don, I have a sense about what people
need. I like to give it to them.

DON
So everything you’ve promised
is a lie?

IZZIE
No!

DON
How can I tell if you’re lying?

IZZIE
You can’t.

DON
Can I tell if you’re telling the truth?
(no answer/more emphatic)
Can I tell if you’re telling the truth!
(more emphatic)
CAN I TELL IF YOU’RE TELLING THE TRUTH!

IZZIE
Yes.

DON
How?

IZZIE
Because....

DON
Because...

IZZIE
(tries to stifle himself)
I cry.

Izzie cannot stop himself from crying so earnestly we feel very badly for him.

DON
If you’re crying, you’re not lying?

IZZIE

73
 If I try, when I cry, to lie--

DON
Enough Dr. Suess! Are you the bathroom attendant
at the Four Seasons?

Izzie tries to stifle tears, but they seem to escape near the end of every truthful line he
utters.

IZZIE
I was. They fired me for “gross misrepresentation”
and “celebrity badgering”.

DON
The school bus isn’t from the
set of the new Sandra Bullock movie?

IZZIE
(shakes his head, illustrates bus driving)
My new job.

DON
You-uh... don’t have three million dollars
in escrow?

IZZIE
I don’t personally know anyone
with a savings account.
(a flood of tears)

DON
The Minskoff?

IZZIE
No.

DON
The Rolex?

IZZIE
(a tiny squeal)
No.

DON
Leo?

74
The “no” is so painful, it’s silent.

IZZIE
No.

DON
If I had hair, I’d tear it out.
Why, Izzie?

IZZIE
I just want to make people happy.
I want them to like me.

DON
(grabbing his collar)
I am NOT happy! And I DON’T like you!

Izzie whimpers and weeps, making Don more and more uncomfortable.

DON
Okay, I like you.

IZZIE
(sniffs)
Really?

DON
Yes.

This makes him cry again.

IZZIE
I just want to be a producer.... I love and
admire producers.... I worship
the red carpets they walk on, and the
limousines they ride in.

DON
Izzie, please...

IZZIE
Look at the bright side. We have an office right down
the hall from Cameron Macintosh!
We have the Nederlanders’ lawyer
on retainer! We have a top publicist,
a new limo!

75
 DON
We do?

IZZIE
All paid for in cash.

DON
Where did we get the money for that?
(the answer strikes him
as soon as it’s out of his mouth)
Izzie, did you use my retirement money?

IZZIE
No.

DON
Did you spend my life’s savings?

IZZIE
No!

DON
You’re not crying when you say that.

IZZIE
(pause)
No.
(he blubbers)

DON
I don’t like you again. In fact,
I’m going to kill you.

Don grabs the plastic axe and starts beating Izzie with the flat side of it.

DON
How could you do this! You putz!
My one chance at a hit! I hate you!

IZZIE
I’m sorry, Don! I’m sorry!

Izzie weeps pathetically, muttering “I’m sorry” over and over. Don composes himself,
growing annoyed and embarrassed by Izzie’s weeping.

76
 DON
Feel free to start
lying again.

Izzie sniffs, takes a deep breath, and is back to his old self.

IZZIE
Don, we’re cooking with gas.
We’ve got an office, a lawyer, a limo,
and Luma. All we need is
the option and five million dollars.

DON
I hate you.

IZZIE
We pull in Roman Darius, he has the clout to
get Leo.

DON
Izzie?

IZZIE
I know Roman.

DON
Izzie?

IZZIE
I know Roman Darius.

DON
Izzie?

IZZIE
I know Roman’s daughter from the third marriage.
She rides on my bus. I’ve given her Ho-Ho’s
from my lunch box, she owes me.

DON
Just stop saying anything.

IZZIE
(snaps his fingers)
Nan! She really does know
Roman Darius. If she could bring him in--

77
 DON
Why would Mac give us the option,
if his wife brings Darius in?

IZZIE
Because we’re bringing in Leo.

DON
We don’t know Leo!

IZZIE
Trust me.

DON
(beat)
What is this? We’re talking like I
still want you as a partner.

IZZIE
What choice is there? We can’t
turn back now.

DON
Izzie, you’re a compulsive liar!

IZZIE
Look into my eyes.... Look into my eyes, Don!
(they well with tears)
I can do this, if you just give
me one more chance.

DON
You’re crying.
(Izzie nods)
That means you mean it?
(Izzie nods)
All right, Izzie, I’ll give you a chance.

IZZIE
(hugs Don, overjoyed, tearful)
Thank you, Don. Thank you!
For you, I swear, I’ll even stop lying.

DON
Izzie, you stop lying now,

78
 I will tear that forked tongue out of your head.

Nan and Mac reenter. Izzie suddenly yanks Don’s cell phone from his hand and starts
talking.

MAC
Don, Izzie, I’m sorry, but we’ve all decided--

IZZIE
(slightly overlapping)
And that’s a deal breaker? Come on, Leo,
Don and I have this well in hand--

MAC
That’s Leonardo--?

DON
Shh!

IZZIE
Leo, do you not believe we have Luma LaRonde?
What? Oh, you do... If we bring on Roman Darius,
you’re in?... It’s as iced as tea in Long Island, baby,
and that’s a promise from Izzie Peterson.
(hangs up)

DON
DiCaprio’s in?

NAN
Oh, come on.

DON
Izzie, you did it!

MAC
What about me?

IZZIE
You’re directing, Mac.

MAC
Directing?

IZZIE
I assumed that’s where you were headed. Any

79
 actor who knows beans wants to be the director,
that’s where the power is.

MAC
But I like acting.

IZZIE
Actor-director, that’s what I said. We’ll guarantee
you Hermando in the first company
national tour, and you’ll open it in London.

MAC
I would open in London and do
the national tour?

DON
Mac, the way I see it, you could be
touring as Hermando for the next five years.

MAC
Wow.

NAN
Five years? Hold on, Mac. You said we would settle down--

MAC
“Settle” is the key word there. I don’t
want to “settle”, Nan. Not for running a box office,
or being a balloon man or a kid’s clown.
My destiny is in the Big Apple or the West End.

NAN
What about our destiny, Mac?

DON
(breaking in)
Yes, sir. We just need to have Leo
open in New York for the reviews, then
it’s yours.

MAC
And Ham?

DON
As Lucalinda, the mute Queen.
Where is he, anyway?

80
 MAC
Ham and Luma said they were going to
the hayloft.

DON
Why?

MAC
To practice their roles.

DON
Great! So Izzie, you can for certain get Roman Darius?

IZZIE
Absolutely!
(Don’s eyes bulge)
Not!

DON
But I thought you and Roman were pals?

IZZIE
We are.
(Don’s eyes bulge)
Not.

DON
You told Leo it was iced like tea.

IZZIE
It is!
(Don’s eyes bulge)
Not.

MAC
I don’t understand.

IZZIE
It hurts me to say this...
(and based on his clenched, anguished voice,
it does!)
...my connection to Roman Darius
was greatly exaggerated.

DON

81
 (playing shock)
But you told me you shared your Ho-ho’s with his daughter.

IZZIE
(through pained tears)
She wouldn’t take them. She called me
a star-effing poo-pee head. Those were
her exact words.

DON
Well, that’s it, then. Without Roman
we have no Leo.

MAC
Wait! Nan knows Roman.

NAN
Mac, I told you what he’s like.

MAC
This is do or die.

NAN
Do you know what Roman Darius will
do if we bring him in? He’ll take
the whole project and--...

A sudden light breaks over Nan’s face.

MAC
Nan?

NAN
Yes. For you, Mac. For our sake,
I’ll do this.

MAC
It’ll be the greatest thing you’ve
ever done for me. For us!

NAN
I hope so. Give me the phone.

Izzie hands Nan the cell phone. She dials. Mac begins making weiner dog balloon
animals, anxiously listening. Don and Izzie gather around Nan.

82
 NAN
Hi, Nan Hathaway for Roman...
Connect me to his cell phone...
Tell him it’s Meechee, he’ll take it.

IZZIE
“Meechee”? The Dreammaker knows her by a nickname.

NAN
Hi, Roman... They’re fine...
Uh-huh, just the same as ever.
Roman, I’m connected to something
I think you’d like to have a hand in...
Very cute, but no. It’s a play...
A play... A stage play... I know...

DON
She’s losing him!

NAN
Well, if you really want to know,
we do have other producers
interested.... Their names?

Nan looks at Izzie and Don, eagerly waiting to be announced.

NAN
It’s a foreign team, you wouldn’t
know them... Hold on...

She covers the phone.

NAN
He wants to talk to you.

IZZIE
To me?

NAN
To the foreign producing team!

DON
Why did you say we were foreign?

NAN
Because Roman knows everyone.

83
 I was afraid he might have heard of you!

DON
You were afraid-- What?

NAN
He thinks everybody other than him
is a small-time nickel and dimer.
The only chance is to scare him with the unknown.

MAC
What if they’re an incredibly rich, powerful
producing team from an obscure nation?

IZZIE
I do a pretty good impression of my aunt.
She’s Norwegian.

DON
I can’t do Norway!
(does accent)
What about France?

NAN
He knows all the major producers in France.

IZZIE
Japan?

NAN
Knows ‘em.

IZZIE
(to Don)
I can do Apu, can you?

DON
(no idea)
What?!

IZZIE
India! Give me the phone!

NAN
No, you can’t do an Indian accent!

84
 IZZIE
Sure, I can!

NAN
No, I mean, it’s insulting, it’s degrading—

MAC
Please, Nan! It’s a non-P.C. emergency!

NAN
No!

While Nan’s attention is drawn to Mac, Izzie snatches the phone from her hand.

IZZIE
(snatches the phone away, doing passable
East Indian accent)
Roman, baby! I am just flying in from
Istanbul—

DON
Mumbai!

IZZIE
Mumbai! We stopped in Istanbul for falafel!
I am a big Bollywood producer!
(beat)
My name? Hadji… Hadji Quest.
(beat)
You haven’t heard--? Oh, well, myself and Akbar are
more part of the “Off-Bollywood” movement.
Very happening!
(covers phone)
He wants to talk to Akbar.

Izzie offers phone to Don, who shakes his head “no”. Izzie looks to mac.

MAC
(practicing, and he’s horrible at it)
“Oh, yes, ah-so, thank you very much, please.”

Izzie looks back at Don, emphatically. Don is forced into action.

DON
Hello, Roman. I am Akbar. As a fellow producer,
I am great fan of your motion pictures...

85
 My films?... I apologize that you
will perhaps not be familiar... “Run Through the Fields
Singing, My Love, My Love”, “Love in
the Afternoon Without Touching” and “My Mutta in Calcutta”,
a Bing and Bob road picture I did with my very funny
associate here, Sanjay.
(covers phone)
He wants to talk to Sanjay.

The others are flummoxed.

MAC
(an idea!)
The helium tank.

Mac grabs Don, rushes him over to the Clown and has him put his mouth on the nozzle.
He releases some helium into his lungs.

DON
(helium voice)
What the hell are you--? Oy.
Mac, darling, I love ya.
Whatever we do, don’t mention
anymore producers.

Armed with his new voice, he takes the phone.

DON
(helium voice, Indian accent)
Roman, it is Sanjay. I am so sorry we have captured the
early worm from you on this most tantalizing
project... How much are we worth? This is
a delicate question--
(Shouts from the other end of phone)
Between the three of us, 30 million.
(cover phone)
He says we’re nickel and dimers. He’s
not impressed with less than one hundred million.

IZZIE
(beat)
We need another producer.

A brave beat, then Izzie marches to the helium tank and takes a deep inhalation.

DON

86
 Roman, I see you were unaware of our
fourth partner... Ishtar.

IZZIE
Roman, baby, it’s Ishtar.... Yes, well,
me and Hadji are from the same caste...
Personally, in the form of gold, real estate holdings,
stock options and goats, I am worth two hundred
seventy-five million American dollars.
(covers phone)
He wants to talk to Sanjay again.

DON
Hello, Roman--

Don slaps his hand over his mouth, realizing his regular voice has returned. He hurries to
the helium tank. He sucks his lungs full of helium, as he turns, his eyes roll and he faints,
striking the valve of the helium tank as he falls. Helium squeaks out, sounding like
flatulence as Izzie rushes over and finally shuts off the valve. Mac tends to Don.

IZZIE
(back on phone)
That sound?... Very sorry. Sanjay
is in intestinal distress, I think he got some
bad falafel. Here’s Nan! ‘Bye!

Izzie hands Nan the phone. Don and Izzie literally fall to their knees praying.

NAN
Hi, Roman. Listen, let me try to explain--...
Do I think--?... Yes, it’s worthwhile. But--
You are?... Canistota. Off route 423,
The red barn... It has a
twenty-foot clown head painted on the side.

Nan hangs up, stunned.

NAN
He says don’t make a move with the
Bollywood interests. He’s coming.

This revives Don immediately. He rises to his feet.

DON
What?

87
 IZZIE
My God. “Izzie Peterson Meets the Dreammaker.”

DON
We delivered! Now sign the option.

NAN
Delivered?

DON
You can’t expect us to let another producer
look at this without securing our
own participation. It’s just not done!

MAC
Don’s right, Nan.
(to Don and Izzie)
The option is yours.

Mac signs. Don and Izzie share a relieved and delighted look. Mac turns to his wife and
smiles.

MAC
Thank you, Nan. You did it.

Mac hugs her.

NAN
(over his shoulder, facing audience)
I know, Mac. I know I did.

SCENE TWO

Luma strolls down the aisle from the back of the theatre, straw stuck in her hair, smoking
a cigarette. Ham follows behind. She turns to him in the aisle, smiles. He smiles back.
She offers him a drag on the cigarette, but he can’t quite make it work with his wired jaw.
Ham snaps his fingers, pulls a straw from Luma’s hair and inserts it between his teeth.
Gives her the okay sign. They stare, transfixed.

LUMA
I’ve traveled to 49 countries.

88
 Given myself to Jesus and 7 other prophets.
Tried 34 diets, 12 movements, 6 programs and 2
revolutions. I’ve done 32 films, and made love
to 423 men...
(on stage now, she turns to him)
Thirty-five years of searching... and it
was all leading to you. The mute son of a dead
clown from Syracuse. No wonder I’ve been lost. Who
would ever think to look for that?

They stare transfixed, then lock lips, which is painful for Ham, who whimpers but does
not stop. As they break their kiss.

LUMA
What’s your dream, Ham?

Ham hesitates, deciding whether to confide in her. He starts to speak, she interrupts.

LUMA
Oh, of course. Shakespeare.

HAM
(starts to say something, stops, then:)
‘eah. ‘akestear.
{Yeah. Shakespeare}

Nan pops out of the magic cabinet, startling Ham.

HAM
‘i, an. Uts ut?
{Hi, Nan. What’s up?}

NAN
Hi.

HAM
“er’s ‘ac?
{Where’s Mac?}

NAN
Mac’s in the prop cellar. I’ve been working with him
on his audition for Roman Darius.

HAM
‘o’nin Da-da-da!?
{Roman Darius!?}

89
 LUMA
He’s coming here?

NAN
Squiggy can’t get Leo without Roman.

The sound of a helicopter landing outside is heard.

HAM
Ut’s dat?

NAN
Sounds like a helicopter.

Mac enters through the wardrobe, clutching the manuscript. Don rushes in from back of
house.

DON
It’s Roman Darius!

Izzie rushes in and turns, as if ushering in royalty. ROMAN DARIUS, 50’s, enters in a
black trench. Izzie offers his hand.

IZZIE
Roman Darius-- Izzie Peterson.
I am an apostle. I mean a major
apostle like-uh... not Judas!

ROMAN
Who’s dog?

DON
What?

ROMAN
Outside?

DON
Mine.

ROMAN
I like it. Great look.

DON
Thank you, Roman. I’m Don Singer.

90
 How was your trip?

ROMAN
Don’t waste my time.

DON
I’m the producer of this little show.

ROMAN
My time.

DON
We think it has potential--

ROMAN
Don’t waste it! In forty-five minutes
I decide whether or not to take this project on.
Where are the Indians?

DON
(smiles, confused)
Cleveland? The reservation?

IZZIE
(nudging Don hard)
Gone, Roman.

DON
Oh, yes! Gone! Back to Istanbul.

IZZIE
You mean Mumbai.

DON
They wanted to stop and complain
about the falafel.

IZZIE
Once Nan told us
you were coming, we naturally-

ROMAN
Nan!

Turns, finds her, gazing fondly.

91
 IZZIE
Romesy, I am great pals with your daughter,
Brittany?... From your third marriage...
Don’t you see her?

ROMAN
Only as a sperm with no foresight.

MAC
(grimaces)
Yuh!

DON
How was your trip, Roman?

ROMAN
Forty-two minutes and I leave
to lunch with Cruise.

IZZIE
Tommy C? Tell him “Hi” from the Izzie P..
(Roman considers Izzie)
We met through L. Ronnie H., who--
few people know-- died in my arms..

ROMAN
(demanding information)
Meechee!

NAN
Don’t call me that.

ROMAN
Nan!

NAN
Unearthed Shakespearean manuscript.
Never before seen.

ROMAN
Owner?

NAN
My husband, Mac.

HAM

92
 ‘Ot At ‘ive!
{Not Act Five}

ROMAN
What?

LUMA
He said “not Act Five”.

ROMAN
Luma LaRonde? You have talent attached?

DON
(enthusiastic)
Like an anchor to the Titanic!

NAN
Don and Izzie, the option holders.

ROMAN
Uh-huh... So this is Mac?

HAM
‘At ii’ id nye in’na-et-oo-uh ‘ot uh ‘ee!
{Act Five is my intellectual property}

ROMAN
You see an oil can, Tin Man? Speak clearly.

NAN
Act Five is his intellectual property.

ROMAN
Intellectual property?

MAC
He mulched the only copy. But we
don’t need it. It’s weird and twisted.
My mother and wife murder me while I’m in
bed with them.

ROMAN
Interesting. And your four acts?

MAC
Here.

93
Roman skims through in for five seconds.

ROMAN
No.

MAC
No?

ROMAN
Won’t work. Too many words.

IZZIE
Amazing! What a gift!

ROMAN
Face it. This prologue,
the freaking guy talks for three pages.

MAC
It’s exposition.

ROMAN
It’s death. You don’t hook ‘em
with blood, farts and tits in
the first two minutes, they’ve snuck
into a different theatre.

DON
Who are you talking about?

ROMAN
My minions, my benefactors, the milk that feeds kitty.

NAN
Boys, ages 13-25.

DON
This is for a more sophisticated--

ROMAN
Death.

DON
It appeals to the older generation.

94
 ROMAN
Death.

DON
Why are we talking about movies?
We’re taking this to Broadway.

ROMAN
Don’t waste my time.

MAC
I think Shakespeare has universal appeal.

Everyone nods/voice agreement.

ROMAN
The only thing that has “universal” appeal
is a firm ass. Men, women, gays, teens--
firm ass.

NAN
You are revolting.

IZZIE
I’m telling you, Roman.
We have an instant classic.

ROMAN
Meechee, opinion?

NAN
It’s all right.

ROMAN
(demanding)
Opinion!

NAN
The exposition goes on forever. The poetry is
forced, the dialogue is repetitive
and overwritten. It’s filled with gratuitous violence and
preposterous twists of fate,
not the mention the plot line, which is
totally derivative from the Greeks.

DON

95
 Ha! She acts like she’s never seen Shakespeare.

MAC
There is a lotta bloodshed.

ROMAN
How many graphic killings?

HAM
‘orteen.

ROMAN
‘orteen? It’s a start.

Nan places the script on the prop box to show Roman.

NAN
Also, the handwriting… It’s definitely
Shakespeare’s but… It’s sort of rough and labored, like
he was drunk or feeble.

ROMAN
Hmm. Meechee, you still got it going--

NAN
Do not call me that.

DON
Meechee?

ROMAN
“Meat Cheeks”.

MAC
Hey!

NAN
Ignore him, Mac.

MAC
You let him call you that?

NAN
We needed my income at the time.

ROMAN

96
 You should be thanking Meechee.
She took one for the team.

Roman reaches to pat Nan’s butt, she avoids him

MAC
Hey! You want to start something?

ROMAN
I’m gonna hit on your wife.
What you do, is your business.

MAC
Get the Hell out of my barn, that’s
what I do.

ROMAN
I thought I was financing your show.

DON
But you hate it.

ROMAN
Now. I just gotta futz with it.

MAC
Futz with the Bard?

ROMAN
Make it commercially viable.

MAC
It is Shakespeare!

ROMAN
We’ll make it a superior Shakespeare.

MAC
You can’t! There is nothing better!

ROMAN
Please. What is Shakespeare?

MAC
The greatest genius in literature!

97
 ROMAN
A name.

MAC
You mean you have no respect--

ROMAN
I have respect. For the name.
As far as product recognition, he’s
Disney and Budweiser rolled into one.
And that means money.

MAC
Even if—I will not stand by while
you sexually harass my wife!

DON
Look, we can discuss artistic differences
later--

ROMAN
We?

DON
As “Meechee” said, we hold the
option. I’m the lead producer.

ROMAN
(to Mac)
When was it signed?

MAC
Today.

ROMAN
You can get out of it.

DON
Hey! I’m not some neophyte,
wet behind the ears. I am--

ROMAN
Dead. Don Singer. Used to tap dance in the Catskills,
began producing in 1982. Nothing
you’ve ever touched made a dime.
You’re a joke. The only thing of value you

98
 own is your dog.

DON
You would dare say that here!

ROMAN
Whispering is for little people. In this
industry, I am God. You don’t agree, goodbye,
I don’t care, you’re dead.

DON
Dead! The man thinks everything is dead.
Well, if it’s dead, why are you staying?
Because you’re a vulture!

ROMAN
Thirty-four minutes.

IZZIE
Don, even if our names are attached as
associates, we go straight to the “A” list.

DON
I am not an associate! I have broken every rule
I’ve lived by as a producer to get this project!
Invested my own savings! Lied and deceived
and fed dope to an innocent dog all to produce
a hit play I don’t like, starring
talent I don’t believe in! I hunted this buffalo down!
No vulture’s going to swoop down in his whirly bird
and steal my carcass!

IZZIE
But I can’t get Leo on board unless
I have Roman.

DON
You couldn’t get Leo on board if your
ship was manned by Megan Fox and her twelve
naked sisters!

ROMAN
Who’s Leo?

IZZIE
DiCaprio.

99
 ROMAN
You can get Leo?

IZZIE
I can get Leo.

ROMAN
You know Leo?

IZZIE
Leo!

ROMAN
Interesting. Well, if you can get Leo--
(offers Izzie a handshake)

DON
He can’t get Leo! He doesn’t know Leo!
All he can do is say Leo!

IZZIE
Hey, hey!

DON
No, forget it!
(to Roman)
He was the bathroom attendant at the Four Seasons!

MAC
You were?

IZZIE
No!

DON
Now he drives a school bus!

NAN
You do?

IZZIE
No!

DON
He’s a compulsive liar!

100
 LUMA
You are?

IZZIE
No!

DON
(to Izzie)
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music is not derivative.

IZZIE
(his eyes wide with fear, unable to control himself)
Yes!

DON
Shakespeare was a Mongolian hermaphrodite!

IZZIE
Yes!

DON
The English have great food and good teeth!

IZZIE
Yes!

MAC
Oh, my God, he is!

IZZIE
(wails)
Ye-e-es!

Izzie crumbles to his knees. Don winded and dazed by it all, moves feebly to the clown
and sits on the edge.

ROMAN
Interesting.

MAC
But without Leo, we lose Luma.

LUMA
I don’t want Leo, I want Hathaway!
Hamilton Hathaway plays Hermando or I walk.

101
 MAC
Luma, it’s pointless. Ham’s jaw is broken. If he could speak,
I’d give him the role.

HAM
‘Ut ‘id ‘oo ‘ay?

MAC
I said, if you could speak, I would give
you Hermando.

Ham reaches in and unhinges something in his mouth.

HAM
One more time.

MAC
I said, if you could speak-- You can speak!?

HAM
Thank you, brother.

LUMA
(delighted)
You can speak!

MAC
I didn’t break your jaw?

HAM
Deeply bruised it.

MAC
Ham!

Mac lunges at his brother, hugs him, relieved.

MAC (cont’d)
Oh, thank goodness.

Mac suddenly steps back and punches Ham in the arm.

MAC (cont’d)
You jerk! Why did you--

102
 HAM
To guilt you into giving me Hermando!

MAC
Of course. Of course! Trying to cheat me out of another role!

HAM
I never cheated you! I used to tell the directors
I wouldn’t accept a role unless
they cast you, too.

MAC
(condescending/dismissive)
Alright, Ham.

HAM
My God, your ego is like the beachfront at Normandy.

MAC
Ham, I know your love of the Bard can cloud
your reason--

HAM
I HATE SHAKESPEARE!

LUMA
What?

HAM
I was President of the Ecology Club!
I wanted to live off the land and help stop
global warming! Did Dad care? No-o!
Twenty years I’ve spent succeeding at something I
couldn’t care less about. I had the only father who
reveled in reckless frivolity!

MAC
He reveled in pursuing your dream.

HAM
(pointedly, at Mac)
Reckless frivolity if you stink at it and
could have done something far better.

MAC
Then why didn’t you just stop?

103
 HAM
I had the “natural stage presence”, the
“resonant voice”, the stinking regal stature,
and with them, dear brother,
I am doing Hermando on Broadway.
So, Mr. Darius, if you want Luma LaRonde--

ROMAN
I don’t.

HAM
What?

ROMAN
I don’t want her. She hasn’t been seen in Hollywood
in three years, hasn’t done a movie in five.
You’re dead, Luma.

DON
Dead? Luma, show ‘em your stuff.

Ham takes the script from Mac and hands it reverently to Luma.

HAM
Do the Sargeant-at-arms speech!

LUMA
Recede with thy mercy
The river whose course you have altered
And made to run red with the blood of your kinsmen.

Her reading is wooden and lifeless.

HAM
Are you--? She’s doing it on purpose.
Luma, show Mr. Darius your stuff.

LUMA
Hold fast to the tenuous threads
Still binding you –

She knows she’s terrible and laughs at the fact. To Ham:

LUMA
I’m sorry, darling, I can’t.

104
 HAM
Luma... What happened?

DON
Somehow since lunchtime, she
mistook her talent for pain and ate it.

LUMA
The pain really is gone. I don’t need this
anymore. The pretending.

She shoves the ice cream cart offstage, turns to Ham.

LUMA (cont’d)
Life is waiting out there to be lived.

Luma and Ham hug.

DON
I wish I could have a heart attack.

Izzie rises up.

IZZIE
Roman, when I was a bathroom attendant, I
saw some really big stars—SAW them--
(measures an inch between his fingers)
--if you know what I mean. A little blackmail--
they’re doing your show.

MAC
Izzie--

IZZIE
Please let me be a producer. I’ll do anything!
Name it! Or write on a piece of paper if
it’s too—you know--- for the others.

ROMAN
Interesting.

Mac looks around at his comrades.

MAC
So, Roman. This is us. This is what

105
 we have to offer.

Roman pauses, looking at Nan, rises.

ROMAN
Okay.
(pause, no response)
Okay, I’ll do it.

IZZIE
What do you mean?

ROMAN
I’ll finance your show. Whoever you want to star,
Whoever you want to produce it.

MAC
As a play?

ROMAN
As a play. And I won’t change a word.

NAN
Why?

ROMAN
I just have one demand, Mac.
If I could meet with you privately.

DON
I thought whispering was for little
people.

NAN
Roman?

ROMAN
(still to Mac)
If I could meet with you privately,
we can set this thing in motion.

Mac turns to the others for advice.

DON
Go ahead, kid. It’s your script. You decide.

106
Don and Izzie make their way up the aisle and out of the theatre. Mac turns to Ham, who
is fiddling with the plastic axe, considering it.

MAC
Ham—

Ham drops the axe at Mac’s feet.

HAM
(drops the axe at Mac’s feet, moved to Luma)
Your Solarino hat is hidden in the prop cellar under
the slapsticks and slide whistles. So is Act V.

MAC
You didn’t burn the script?

HAM
If you want it, it’s yours.

MAC
Ham… What Dad really said
was that you were wonderful, but it was
a waste of time because your heart wasn’t in it.

HAM
If you had told me that twenty years
ago, I might have never started hitting you.
Thanks, Mac.

Ham smiles, then punches Mac in the arm.

MAC
Ow! What was that for?

HAM
That was for the last twenty years.

Luma and Ham exit through the back of the house, arm in arm.

MAC
Nan, can you give Roman and me a moment?

NAN
It’s your decision, Mac. Just make the right one.

Nan smiles sadly and exits up the aisle.

107
 ROMAN
Amazing woman.
(beat)
So, you want to be a star?
(Mac nods)
Why?

MAC
Huh?

ROMAN
You seem to have a nice life. If there’s a
Hell, you’re probably not going. Why do
you want to screw that up?

MAC
(shrugs)
To have what you have.

ROMAN
Money? That stopped making a difference
after the tenth million.

MAC
Not just—Every time you walk in room,
people internally bow.

ROMAN
Is that what they’re doing? Hm.
(beat)
The first day Nan came to work for me,
I made a comment about her body. She slapped me.
Since those early days when I was only worth
ten million, I had a backstage pass, pretty
much whomever I wanted--

MAC
Can we talk business?

ROMAN
We are. I began treating Nan with respect.
She taught me what “objectify” meant.
Four months later, I asked her to marry me.

MAC

108
 Oh, come on!

ROMAN
I asked her every day for two months.

MAC
Why would she say no? Nan and I
weren’t married back then.

ROMAN
She said she could never love a man who demeaned
and debased other human beings the way I did.
Even though I treated her like a queen!
The other reason was you.

MAC
Me? But I’m just... me.

ROMAN
I agree. She’s a fool. Anyway, out of frustration one day,
I grabbed her ass, and she quit.

MAC
She must have really believed in my talent.

ROMAN
Your talent?

MAC
Why else would she study Shakespeare? Encourage
my career, turn you down, give up her life
in New York City to follow me to Canistota.
(beat)
Oh.

ROMAN
And you don’t even appreciate her.

MAC
Please, I’d rather not -- If you’re serious about backing
the play, we need to get some things straight.

ROMAN
I told you. Anything you want. I just
have one demand.

109
 MAC
Which is?

ROMAN
Your wife.

MAC
You think I’m going to let you sleep with --…?

ROMAN
God, no!

MAC
Okay, good.

ROMAN
I want Nan to be mine for the rest of our lives.

MAC
What?

ROMAN
You think I came up here for this nickel and dime nonsense?
I came here for Nan. You want to pursue your dream? I want to
pursue mine.

MAC
You are like pure evil.

ROMAN
Yeah. That gets old. The real-est thing I’ve ever felt
was for Nan.

MAC
How do imagine I could “give you” my wife?

ROMAN
Leave her. If you’re gone, I can
handle the rest. You clearly don’t value her
like I do. I can grant her any wish. Make her the center
of my life. I can make you famous.
Star you on Broadway, put you in movies.

MAC
(more to himself)
Leave Nan?

110
 ROMAN
She’s longing for something that
you’re not ever going to give her.
You have a different dream. I can
make all three of our dreams come true.
(pause)
So that’s my offer, Mac. What’s your answer?

Lights fade out on Mac’s anxious, drained face.

SCENE THREE

In the dark, we hear the sound of a helicopter rotor warming up. Lights rise, it’s twenty
minutes later. The manuscript sits atop the trunk. Don is doing a little soft shoe dance.
Izzie appears carrying a burlap sack.

DON
Izzie? Is that Roman’s helicopter I hear?

IZZIE
It may or may not be.

DON
What?

IZZIE
Something new I’m trying. Not a lie,
but— See? No tears!

DON
If that floats your boat...

IZZIE
It might float my boat, or it might not.

DON
(shrugs; then marks a tap combination)
You know, we used to be hoofers, my old partner
and I. Grossingers, Atlantic City—
just loved it. But I wanted to hold the reins. So I broke
up the team and became a producer.

111
Don stops dancing.

IZZIE
(tears forming)
Sometimes you can’t achieve your dream without
stomping on someone else’s.

DON
Is that something that schmuck told you?

IZZIE
No, it’s something I figured out.
Here’s the lease for your
new office, contract with your lawyer and publicist,
and keys to your limo.

While Don is looking at the papers, Izzie slips behind him, grabs the manuscript and slips
it in the burlap sack. Don turns on him, Izzie acts natural.

DON
What are you doing?

IZZIE
What?

DON
Why are you giving me this?

IZZIE
You won’t believe it.
(tears well up)
The Dreammaker offered me a job.

Nan hurries in.

NAN
I can’t find Mac anywhere and it looks like
Roman’s leaving.

IZZIE
I gotta hurry. Tommie C. is waiting.
(hands Don a sealed envelope)
Give this to Mac when you see him.

DON
What job did Darius give you?

112
 IZZIE
He needed an associate producer. When I told him I had
a firm ass and could pilot a helicopter, how could
he say no?

NAN
You have a firm ass?

Izzie slaps his hand on his own ass and clutches.

IZZIE
Baby!

DON
You can pilot a helicopter?

IZZIE
(obviously)
Is Geronimo an Indian!

DON
You’re not crying. Oy.

IZZIE
Hey, don’t I always land on my feet?

DON
I just hope the helicopter does.

Izzie opens the wardrobe door.

IZZIE
Kudos, Meechee, for hooking me up. Don...
(tearful)
You’re the best partner I’ve ever had.

NAN
Why are you leaving through
the prop cellar?

IZZIE
No reason or a reason.

113
Izzie waves “bye-bye” and disappears through the curtain of the false wall in the
wardrobe. Mac enters from the back of the theatre, running up on stage in high spirits,
holding something behind his back.

NAN
Mac? What happened to you?

MAC
(from the heart)
Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I
saw you, my heart did fly to your service.

He offers her an elaborate and impressive balloon bouquet, she takes them, uncertainly.

NAN
The Tempest. Act III, Scene One.

MAC
Too much?

NAN
If music be the food of love, play on.

MAC
Twelfth Night. Act I, Scene One.

NAN
Whoever loved that did not love at first sight?

MAC
What is light, if Sylvia be not seen? What is
joy, if Sylvia be not by?

NAN
But what about The Cid of Madrid?

MAC
(smiles)
Roman offered to finance Hermando
with me in the starring role.

NAN
Ohh... Oh..
(can’t fake anymore)
Oh, God, Mac! I thought he would--
Mac, I can’t-- You’ll be decimated.

114
 Mac, darling, I have to tell you something--

MAC
I know.

NAN
What?

MAC
Maybe I’ve known for a while. I just loved the idea so much,
I was willing to fool myself--… And you let me.

NAN
I didn’t know how--

MAC
Because you loved me and would sacrifice anything.
And I was selfish and blind enough not to notice.
I’m sorry.

NAN
You’re amazing, Mac.

MAC
You don’t have to--

NAN
As an entrepreneur. How you grew Balooni’s out of nothing.
You were creative and inspired--

MAC
-- and still managed to do “Othello” and
“Twelfth Night”.

NAN
Attendant #4 and Sailor #2,
Canistota Renaissance Fair.

MAC
I thought there was something
superior to that for me, but there isn’t.

They kiss and embrace. We hear a helicopter taking off. Ham and Luma hurry in from the
theatre house.

HAM

115
 Darius in taking off with Izzie at the controls!

As the sound grows louder, we hear the helicopter runners “tink” off the barn roof.

MAC
God help them both.

DON
Isn’t Darius going to back the show?

MAC
I turned him down, Don. I think the Bard would thank us.

HAM
It’s a terrible script, isn’t it?

MAC
(smiles at Nan)
I think maybe Anne Hathaway buried it to save
his reputation. Still... an original Shakespearean
manuscript from 1576.

NAN
What year?

MAC
1576. That was the date on the ledger.

NAN
I didn’t see a date.

MAC
I scratched it out.

NAN
William Shakespeare was born in 1564.

DON/HAM
What?/Oh, my God.

LUMA
He wrote it when he was twelve years old.

MAC
Yeah.
(shrugs)

116
 That’s how badly I thought I wanted it.

They all smile over this.

NAN
Still, the manuscript deserves to be in a museum.

MAC
Great, it’s right--
(turns, realizes)
Where’s the manuscript?

NAN
It was right-- It’s gone!

DON
Izzie!

MAC
What?

DON
He left you this letter...

Mac tears it open, reads aloud.

MAC
“Dear Mr. Hathaway,
We regret that your script “Hermando, The Cid
of Madrid, is not something Darius
Enterprises is interested in pursuing at this time.”

DON
What schmuck would do this
and have the nerve to leave a form
letter!

MAC
As is our policy, we cannot return manuscripts without
a self-addressed stamped envelope.”
We have decided to pursue an alternate
project with the working title, “William Shakespeare’s
Act Five”.

HAM
‘At ‘ide! I mean, Act Five!

117
 NAN
The prop cellar!

DON
(takes letter)
We found the story of a mother and
wife conspiring to murder their handsome,
serial killer son-slash-husband an irresistible plot
for a thriller which will star Tom Cruise as
Hermando, Sandra Bullock as Rosaline, and
Dame Maggie Smith as “Bad Mama”.

Mac takes letter.

MAC
All Things Good--
Izzie Peterson, Associate Producer. Darius Enterprises.”

Everyone breathes a simultaneous group sigh.

DON
I’ve had enough. I’m taking my
dog and going home.

MAC
You’re going to retire?

DON
Everyone I know who retires is dead
within two years. And I don’t mean
Darius Dead. So, I figure, as long as
you love what you’re doing, keep going.
After all, I have an office and a limo,
all Mr. B and I need is five million dollars and
a hit show. Nine out of nine flops--
my odds are getting good.

MAC
Well, I’m glad that’s all over. We can all
finally relax and settle down to our real lives.
(they all agree)
So long, Dad! Thanks for showing
us the way.

118
Mac slaps the back of the clown and its stomach plate pops open. Upon it sits an ancient
manuscript. Mac reads…

MAC
“Uncle Ivanov’s Potato Orchard” by—
Jesus, Joseph and Mary!
Chekov! Anton Chekov!

They all consider it, and share looks of wonder, hope, mistrust, uncertainty or misery as
lights fade to black.

119