12-9-21

Smoke
a comedy of horrors

by Enid Graham




















matildaelm@aol.com
347-351-5108
Lizzy Weingold/WME
LWeingold@wmeagency.com

1




Cast of characters:

Alice – woman, 40

Mark – Alice’s husband, 40

Mindy – Alice’s sister, 46

Kelsey – Mindy’s daughter, 23

Rick – Kelsey’s fiancée, 23

Joleen – Kelsey and Rick’s friend, 25

Chase – Joleen’s husband, 29

Dave – Rick’s father, late 60’s



The play takes place in the present time in a sleek modern mansion in the mountains by an
ocean.

2





Scene 1
(In the darkness, we hear two voices.)

Alice
East Vista Way.

Mark
It’s here.

Alice
Way! Don’t turn!

Mark
What?

Alice
Don’t turn! This is East Vista Lane.

Mark
Oh Jesus.

Alice
We’re looking for Way.

Mark
So fucking dark.

Alice
Go slow.

Mark
I can’t see a fucking thing.

(Slowly we begin to see two people in a car, illuminated by dashboard and iPhone.)

Alice
Slow down!

Mark
I have to accelerate to keep going up the incline, Alice –

3
 Alice
Slow down –

Mark
This rental kinda zooms.

Alice
- wait, here we go –

Mark
We should’ve stayed by the airport tonight.

Alice
Ok wait, (reading street sign) Vista Canyon.

Mark
Oh God.

Alice
But didn’t we already pass Vista Canyon?

Mark
Read me, read me what it actually says –

Alice
Maybe that was Canyon Way?

Mark
Just read me exactly what it actually says.

Alice
It just says “continue straight and turn right on East Vista Way.”

Mark
Before that, read before that –

Alice
Uh…

Mark
Just read before that!

Alice
It just says left on Mission Road, but we did that!

Mark

4
No, I mean what are all the streets they show that come before Vista Way.

Alice
East Vista Way.

Mark
Whatever! Just read that.

Alice
Ok, let me pull up the –

Mark
Quick cause we’re just headed deeper into the void here.

Alice
Ok, once you turn on Mission Road –

Mark
Which we did -

Alice
Ok, then it’s Crenshaw, Vista View, Old Indian Road, Mission Vista, Crenshaw Trail, Indian
Lane, Crenshaw Indian Way, Crenshaw Vista, –

Mark
You’ve got to be kidding me –

Alice
Ok, East Vista Lane – we just passed that –

Mark
Ok…
Alice
And next is –

Mark
Let me guess –

Alice
McGillicutty.

Mark
What?

Alice
I swear.

5

Mark
Really?

Alice
Listen… (makes phone talk)

Siri Voice
McGillicutty

Mark
Insane.

Alice
And after McGillicutty should be East Vista Way.

Mark
Ok. I can guarantee that there is no McGillicutty, ok?
This is all an elaborate practical joke by your sister –

Alice
That’s what it says – (makes phone talk again)

Siri Voice
McGillicutty

Mark
(laughs) Stop it! I’m trying to drive here!

Alice
Go slower!

Mark
We’re going to start rolling backwards!

Alice
I just don’t want to miss (makes phone talk)

Siri Voice
McGillicutty

Mark
It’s just blackness. I see nothing. If you told me we were about to drive off a cliff, I’d be like
“sure” –

Alice

6
Just go slower. Go slower than you think you can.

Mark
Slower than I think I can?

Alice
I mean super, super, super slow.

Mark
Let’s turn around.

Alice
What’s that?

Mark
Does it say how far to McGillicutty?

Alice
(pointing) That there.

Mark
What? (seeing) Oh yeah -

Alice
It’s in the - (she screams and Mark hits the brake)
WHAT THE FUCK!

Mark
WHAT WAS THAT?

Alice
Oh my god, that was scary!

Mark
What the hell?

Alice
Like some animal, I guess?

Mark
Jesus. Are you ok?

Alice
My phone went flying. (She gets it from floorboard) Oh shit.

Mark

7
What?

Alice
It’s all fucked up, I think.

Mark
What?

Alice
It’s smashed.

Mark
You’ve got to be kidding.

Alice
Why did I pay that extra $19.99 for the fucking –

Mark
I’m turning around.

Alice
-the fucking smash guard thing? Fuck. The screen is all pixelated now.

Mark
Reach back and get my phone and we’ll find our way back to the fucking airport –

Alice
Fuck.

Mark
-where we should’ve fucking stayed anyway –

Alice
I’m going to fucking kill Mindy.

Mark
We’ll stay there tonight and look for this fucking place in the morning.

Alice
Wait.

Mark
Get my phone.

Alice
Right there! See?

8

Mark
It’s in my, the green bag –

Alice
Look Mark, East Vista Way!

Mark
It is?

Alice
Read it! East Vista Way!

Mark
What happened to McGillicutty?

Alice
Turn right. This is it! Turn!

(They turn.)

Mark
My god.

Alice
Go slow.

Mark
How did it get darker? How many more levels of complete blackness are there?

Alice
Just go so, so slow.

(They go slow and peer ahead of them. Then they see the house.)

Mark
Wait.

Alice
This is it.

Mark
Holy shit.

Alice
This must be it, right?

9

Mark
This place is huge.

Alice
She said it was nice.

Mark
Nice?!

Alice
She said they really splurged.

Mark
Is Kelsey’s fiancée rich or something?

Alice
No, he’s…I think he does tile work, or like decks or… you know, construction stuff.

Mark
Where do we park?

Alice
Where those cars are maybe?

Mark
(regarding a building they pass) What’s this, like the guest house?

Alice
I think she said there was a groundskeeper.

Mark
What the fuck?

Alice
She said “groundskeeper” and I thought, like, mow the lawn, but she meant
GROUNDSKEEPER –

Mark
How can they afford this?

Alice
Well, maybe they thought, you know, you only get married once…

Mark
We’ll see…

10

Alice
Don’t be so negative.

Mark
I’m not being negative. I’m sure your niece is making a very sound choice -

Alice
Ok, Mark –

Mark
-based on carefully considering all of her options and thinking rationally about –

Alice
-ok, ok –

Mark
-her responsibilities like she’s always done in the past.

Alice
Ok, that shelter puppy thing was bad.

Mark
Really bad. And the crazy convertible sports car lease. And the weird bandanna business –

Alice
That was just, like, a stall in the mall –

Mark
Still, didn’t she lose like –

Alice
-not like a whole business, exactly –

Mark
- like thousands of dollars? Many thousands? What was it called?

Alice Mark
Bandana-a-rama. Bandana-a-rama?

Mark
- and your sister was like, “They sabotaged you, sticking you behind the carousel!” No, it
was just a stupid investment.

Alice
But that was a shitty spot.

11

Mark
That’s not the point. The point is Kelsey always makes bad choices because her mother
taught her that it is always someone else’s fault.

Alice
Listen, it’s true what you say –

Mark
Thank you.

Alice
- but let’s leave it in the car. I mean, what do we know?

Mark
Uh, I think I know something –

Alice
I just mean, if we’re lucky enough, if we get to become parents, if we’re lucky enough to
have this whole thing work –

Mark
Which it will –

Alice
We don’t know, but if we are lucky enough –

Mark
Dr. LaSalla said be patient -

Alice
We don’t know –

Mark
This one will work -

Alice
We don’t know, Mark. But if we’re lucky then we’ll probably see that it’s pretty hard to do
everything right with your kid.

Mark
How about some things right?

Alice
So, let’s leave our opinions in the car –

12
 Mark
One thing right?

Alice
Even that face you make. Leave it in the car.
(She is gathering things)

Mark
What face?

Alice
That face like, “hmmm, really?”

Mark
I don’t think I do that.

Alice
They already think you’re a snob.

Mark
Everyone loves me.

Alice
They do, but then you make that “hmm, really?” and everyone wants to punch you.

Mark
First of all, I’m famous for my poker face. I reveal nothing.

Alice
Can you grab the rest of the stuff from the back?

Mark
Secondly, no one ever wants to punch me because I’m universally known as the sweetest.

Alice
Oh brother. Do you see my glasses case?

Mark
Here it is. Thirdly, also, incredibly handsome. And no one ever wants to punch that.

Alice
You are handsome.
Let’s throw this stuff out tomorrow, ok? I don’t want to walk in with a bag of trash.

Mark
Hey, don’t be nervous.

13

Alice
I’m not nervous, more like –

Mark
We’ll make it fun.

Alice
- more like, closer to dread.

Mark
It won’t be like at Christmas because we’re not at Mindy’s house, and new people, Kelsey’s
friends, right? More social pressure for everyone to get along and be nice.

Alice
Without mom it’s just too much, like me and Mindy right next to each other with nothing in
between.

Mark
Just don’t argue with her about her ancient alien stuff.

Alice
It’s so stupid.

Mark
It’ll be better, Alice.

Alice
Maybe.

Mark
Plus, my handsome face.

Alice
We’ve got that.

Mark
Plus, it’s three nights.

Alice
Plus, three nights, yeah.

Mark
Yeah. We can do anything for three nights.

14

Scene 2
(The lights rise, the car disappears, and we are in the open concept living room/kitchen of a
large rented mansion on top of a hill. The place is outrageous. It has every feature ever
seen during a high-end home makeover reveal – marble countertops, modern lines,
recessed lighting, picture windows, stainless steel appliances, sleek furniture in muted
tones, sunken living room, glass doors leading to a large deck. The effect is modern
glamour, but cold and impersonal. As the lights change, we hear a low chiming tone, which
we recognize after a while as the doorbell ringing several times. After a moment…)

Alice
(opening the door) Hello? Hello there?

Mark
They’re not here.

Alice
Hello? Anybody home?

(Mindy comes in through the hallway opposite the deck. She is a middle-aged woman
neatly dressed in the uniform of any mom walking through an American mall.)

Mindy
What? Oh my god!

Alice
Hi!

Mindy
You made it!

Alice
We’re here!

Mindy
Oh my god! (They run toward each other and hug eagerly.) Oh, I’m so, so, so happy to see
you!

Alice
Me too, Mindy!

Mindy
I’m so, so happy you’re here!

Alice
Me too!

15

Mindy
Can you even believe it?

Alice
I know.

Mindy
I wish mommy was here.

Alice
Me too, Mindy.

Mindy
But I guess we’re the grown-ups now. More than that, we’re the old people now!

Alice
Oh god, should I have brought a whole vanity case full of loose medicine like Aunt Tisha?

Mindy
(laughing) Remember that?

Alice
(laughing) “Mindy, dig in there and get Auntie a red one and two little green ones.”

Mindy
You look like a teenager still. How do you do that?

Alice
Come on –

Mindy
And I look like just what I am which is a mother whose daughter is old enough to get
freaking married!

Alice
Shut up. You look great.

Mindy
MARRIED! Can you believe it?

Alice
No.

Mindy
I mean, that little baby?

16

Alice
It’s crazy.

(They have a sweet moment of nostalgia together.)

Mark
Speaking of crazy, this house?

Mindy
Oh Mark! Hello, hello! I don’t mean to ignore you and your handsome face!
(She runs to him and hugs him.)

Mark
You look gorgeous, Mother of the Bride!

Mindy
Oh my god!

Mark
Is there someplace I can toss this?
(He holds up a bag of trash from the car.)

Alice
Mark, I wanted to leave it –

Mark
I know, but if I left it then tomorrow the whole car would smell like Aunt Annie’s Pretzels.

Mindy
Ooh, those are so good, but it’s true if you leave it overnight, the next day your whole car
smells like vomit. (pointing) The trash can is right over there. If you touch it with your foot,
it will open automatically.

Mark
Come on! (He tries it.) Wow, that’s cool!

Mindy
Everything in this house is like that. Isn’t it amazing?

Mark
Yes.

Mindy

17
It’s AMAZING! Rick found it and said it was amazing and when we saw the pictures we
were like oh my god it’s amazing but it can’t be that great and then we got here and we
were like, oh it’s amazing.

Alice
It is.

Mark
Amazing.

Alice
Where’s Kelsey?

Mindy
The whole group went down to the water, but I hung around cause I didn’t want you to get
here with everybody gone, so…

Alice
Oh, I’m sorry.

Mindy
No, it would kill my knees to walk down there anyway.

Mark
Is everybody here?

Mindy
Yep, you were the last to arrive.

Alice
Sorry, we got a little lost.

Mindy
I know, it’s all twisty turny. But wait till you see the view tomorrow!

Mark
So, who’s here?

Mindy
Uh, it’s a small group. Chase and Joleen, best man and maid of honor. They are both so
sweet, you’re gonna love them. (whispering) Plus Chase is seriously gorgeous. (laughs)
Sorry, Mark! And Dave – Rick’s dad. He’s real quiet but seems like a super sweet guy.
Knows a ton about computers, apparently. And Kelsey and Rick, of course.

Mark
Of course, couple of the hour.

18

Mindy
You’re going to love Rick. He’s a sweetheart.

Alice
Oh good, I can’t wait to meet him.

Mark
(re trash can) I can’t get this to close right. It seems full.

Mindy
Oh, don’t worry. Nikos will get it. He’s the groundskeeper – I love saying that!

Mark
Nikos?

Mindy
He’s Greek. (pretends to fan herself)

Alice
This place is outrageous.

Mindy
I KNOW! I mean, just look at the kitchen. (walks them over) Open concept – good for
entertaining –

Mark
Important.

Mindy
Stainless steel everything, marble countertops, nine burner stovetop –

Alice
Nine?

Mindy
- double oven –

Mark
You could cook for an army.

Mindy
I know! And no one even cooks! We got all the food for the weekend pre-made from
Costco! Double dishwasher. And look, this one is specifically for stemware.

Alice

19
Fancy.

Mindy
Just wait! (She goes to an appliance set into the wall.) Look here, this flips down (she does
it) and this grinds the beans and then you put your cup here and it makes espresso! You
see, you put the little cup here?

Alice
Oh cool!

Mark
Now you’re speaking her language.

Mindy
And then, you can steam the milk or you can froth it or whatever you want here, and in this
cabinet there is literally every kind of flavor pump. I mean every kind – butterscotch,
peppermint, everything! It’s like having a Starbucks in the house!

Mark
(looking under the counter) What’s this thing, a fireplace?

Alice
I want one right now!

Mindy
Have it!

Alice
But it’s like, ten o’clock at night.

Mindy
Oh have it! Vacation!

Mark
Mindy, what’s this thing for?

Mindy
Oh, it’s just another appliance thing…I think it’s for…I don’t know. (laughs, to Alice) I’ll
make you a latte. Unless you’d rather have a beer?

Alice
Uh no thanks. A coffee is great.

Mindy
(remembering) Oh right! You’re still trying the…oooh fingers crossed!
(Mindy pats Alice’s stomach, which irritates Alice)

20
How about you Mark?

Mark
What?

Mindy
Want a latte?

Mark
Oh no - it’s like ten at night. (still interested in the appliance) I think it’s a rotisserie grill.

Mindy
Alright! First you push this button to drop the beans -

Alice
(getting into the spirit of it all) Drop the beans!

Mark
Jesus, a rotisserie grill too. (reading brand) La Cornue.

Mindy
That sound is the beans coming down.

Alice
Where do they come from?

Mindy
I don’t know! Nikos takes care of it!

Alice
Loaded by the Greek coffee gods!

Mark
Mindy listen, is this a rotisserie grill or what?

Mindy
It’s just a rental Mark! I don’t know everything about everything! Ok, now you grind it.
Ready for a loud sound?

Mark
(looking it up on his phone) La C..o..r..n..u..

(Mindy pushes the grinding button and it’s very loud. Mark finishes putting in the name
and finds what he’s looking for. We can’t hear him as he starts to say “Jesus Christ, this is a
rotisserie -)

21
 Mark
- grill and it costs a fucking fortune!

Alice
How much?

Mindy
What are you guys? Investigative journalists? Mark, there’s a ton of beer in the fridge.

Mark
Like thirteen thousand dollars! Like how much rotisserie chicken could you eat?

Alice
(into the game of it) Well, do the math. If a roasted chicken costs $11.00 at Gristedes –

Mark
So, then you’d have to eat –

Alice
You’d break even after like… one thousand chickens –

Mark
no – like one thousand two hundred!

Alice
That’s only a chicken a day for three years!

Alice and Mark
Worth it!
(They laugh but Mindy doesn’t.)

Mark
Wow, this house.

Mindy
Isn’t it great?

Alice
More than great. It must’ve cost a fortune.

Mindy
Well, it’s their wedding. Here’s your coffee.

Alice
Thanks.

22
 Mark
(opening the rotisserie grill) I always wonder, with these super high end appliances, if the
back is like lined with gold or something -

Mindy
(sharp) Quit messing with it, ok?

Mark
(surprised by her tone) Oh, ok.

Mindy
The kids, they had to pay a deposit, ok? So, let’s not mess with stuff.

Mark
Ok, sure. I mean, I wasn’t going to break it.

Alice
He wasn’t going to break it, Mindy.

Mindy
Can you please not be like this?

Alice
Like what?

Mindy
Like all like how you’re being.

Alice
Which is what?

Mindy
Just let the kids have their special time without all your… (makes a gesture)

Alice
Well, ok. I’m sorry. I mean, I’m not sure what I’m saying sorry for –

Mindy
Ok well thanks for that sorry that you must really mean since you don’t even know why
you’re saying it.

Alice
Why are we fighting all of a sudden? I just mean, I don’t know why you’re mad since we
know it’s their special time and we weren’t doing anything to mess it up.

Mindy

23
You were all like, “This place is a fortune and how can they possibly afford it?”

Alice
We didn’t say that.

Mindy
It was implied.

Alice
We didn’t imply that.

Mindy
It’s their wedding! Let them have it!

Mark
Listen Mindy, I’m really sorry. We didn’t mean to be rude.

Alice
We weren’t rude.

Mark
In New York everybody always talks about how much somebody’s apartment costs. It’s like
small talk there. I didn’t mean anything by it.

Mindy
Just let them have it! Let them be happy! Just let them be happy on their special day with
their friends in someplace beautiful.

Mark
Of course, sure, sure. That’s what we want for them too. Right, Alice?

Alice
Absolutely.

Mindy
I know you do. (smiles at them) I’m happy you’re here.

Mark
Us too.


Scene 3
(A little bit later, the whole group is back from the water, Kelsey–ordinary pretty,
Rick– smiles a lot, Joleen - short skirt and lots of eyeliner, Chase -extremely fit, Dave – thin
and unassuming, Mindy, Alice and Mark. They are sitting around in the living room
drinking beer and Rick is finishing a story.)

24

Rick
…so when we turned on the phone lights we could see that they were everywhere!

Alice
Oh my god.

Rick
Just everywhere! Covering the sand!

Joleen
And I was like, “So THAT’S the smell!”

Rick
Must’ve been hundreds!

Joleen
I mean, I’m not crazy guys!

Rick
Like five hundred!

Kelsey
At least.

Alice
Oh my god.

Kelsey
It was so sad.

Mindy
Oh well, just forget about it!

Joleen
It was disgusting! And the WHOLE WAY down there I was like, (sniffing) “guys…guys…”and
you were like –

Rick
When the light went on it at first I thought it was just ripples in the sand, like just the sand
ripples –

Joleen
- and you were like, “Relax Princess, it’s called NATURE.” And I was like, “guys –“

Rick

25
-my brain just couldn’t comprehend that it was fish.

Joleen
“-this is NOT a normal smell, guys!”

Rick
Well, you are a princess, Joleen.

Joleen
True enough!

Alice
What happened, do you think?

Kelsey
When the light hit them, you could see hundreds of dead open eyes, the light just flashing in
them.

Alice
How awful.

Mindy
Forget it! Just forget it!

Joleen
And the SMELL, oh my god –

Mindy
Oh well! I won’t be going to the beach!

Mark
What’s going on there? What do you think happened?

Alice
Is it from pollution?

Mindy
Let’s forget it!

Mark
(answering Alice) Must be.

Chase
It’s a fish kill.

Mark

26
Our waterways are filled with chemicals.

Alice
Oh how awful.

Chase
Everyone relax. It’s a fish kill. It’s natural.

Joleen
That was not natural.

Chase
A natural occurrence.

Joleen
I don’t believe it.

Chase
It don’t matter what you believe, Princess.
(There is a slight awkward pause.)
Get me another beer, will ya?

Joleen
Sure, baby.

Mark
It’s interesting that you say with confidence that it’s natural.

Chase
Is it interesting?

Kelsey
Be nice, Chase.

Chase
Yes ma’am, bride’s prerogative.

Joleen
(handing him a beer) Here you go, baby.

Alice
But why do you say – Chase, right? – why do you say it’s natural? It seems really wrong.

Chase
A lot of things in the natural world seem wrong to people who never take the time to learn
anything about them.

27

Joleen
Chase is a certified NSA.

Alice
An NSA?

Joleen
Nature Survivalist.

Alice
Oh, ok. Cool.

Mark
What does the A stand for?

Joleen
Chase almost died like, I don’t know, five times.

Rick
Tell them about last summer.

Joleen
Oh my god!

Rick
This story is unreal!

Joleen
Oh god! I don’t even like to think of it!

Rick
Chase was in Arizona, right? Like THE DESERT –

Joleen
I don’t like to think of it! I just cut hair!

Rick
- like it’s one of the tests, right? For the certification or whatever. And they drop you off in
the desert with nothing, NOTHING –

Joleen
I just cut hair! Right Kelsey?

Rick
- and you’re expected to survive for -what was it? – like four days out there!

28
With NOTHING –

Joleen
I’m like, “uh, you can drop me at the MALL maybe –“

Chase
Settle down, Joleen.

(Joleen laughs)

Rick
And he did it, but barely. I mean, it was tough, right?

Chase
The desert handed me my ass.

Rick
When they picked him up he was like – I mean, you tell it, Chase.

(Everyone looks at Chase. He takes his time to start. Sips his beer. When he begins, he
speaks softly.)

Chase
The first day, it’s just you and the sun.
The most powerful enemy you’ve ever known.
Relentless.
I dug a hole and buried myself.
Sand casket.
But I survived the enemy by nightfall.

Alice
You buried yourself in a hole?

Chase
Night in the desert.
With no sun you feel good, but soon the cold comes
It goes into your bones like rods of ice.
But night is the time to work, to secure your water for the next day’s battle.
I set up my water trap.
Avoid the snakes.
I dig my hole at sunrise, and by noon I’m back underground.

Alice
Dear Lord.

Rick

29
Incredible, man.

Chase
Day two.
Rinse and repeat.
As the body loses moisture, the brain begins to hallucinate.
Day three is a dream
Except for the scorpion nest.
That was real.

Alice
Oh my god.

Chase
Day four.
I can no longer dig the hole.
I toss sand over myself as best I can, and the sun has his way with me.

(small pause)

Alice
Gosh.

Joleen
When they picked him up, he was burned to a crisp and had lost twenty pounds. He said
his eyes were dried shut. Just dried right shut!

Mindy
Oh I forgot the cheese dip!
(She hops over to the microwave.)

Alice
My god.

Joleen
He said his tongue was so dry that it swelled up and poked out. Like a corpse!

Mark
Swelled from being dry? Ok.

Chase
You learn the human body does strange things in extreme conditions.

Mark
Sure. Ok.

30
 Alice
That’s amazing, Chase.

Mark
Yes. Amazing story.

Mindy
(bring bowl of cheese dip) I just zapped it again for a few seconds. The bowl is hot.

Kelsey
Oooh, thanks mom!

Mindy
Need more chips?

Rick
We’re good.

Mindy
Mr. Carnac, you’re real quiet. Need another beer?

Dave
(smiling) No ma’am.

Rick
He’s fine.

Mindy
Just chime in if you want anything, Mr. Carnac.

Rick
He’s fine.

(pause)

Alice
So Kelsey, how did you guys find this place?

Kelsey
Isn’t it amazing!

Alice
It’s unbelievable.

Kelsey
Right? Rick found it.

31

Alice
Good job, Groom!

Rick
Our boss (points to himself and Chase) knew a guy who knew a guy and when he showed
us the pictures we were like, “what the fuck!”

Alice
Yeah, I bet.

Kelsey
You haven’t even really seen it yet! Wait until morning. The view is crazy!

Joleen
Crazy!

Mindy
From the deck you just feel like you can see to the end of the world.

Kelsey
Yeah, as soon as I saw the picture I was like, “That’s where I wanna do it. That’s where I
wanna start my forever.”

(Kelsey and Rick kiss.)

Mindy
Aw, you kids.

Alice
So, you have a minister coming?

Kelsey
No, we didn’t tell you?

Alice
No.

Kelsey
Oh my god it’s so cool – Chase is gonna do it! We wanted it to be small, you know. No frills,
no flowers or like a band, you know? Just fun and casual and like having fun, you know. No
worries.

Rick
The house is the frill.

32
 Kelsey
Yeah, the house is the frill! But we were like we have to get someone up there to do the
ceremony and that’s a hassle but then Chase was like, “I’m ordained” you know, from one of
those online things –

Mark
Of course he is.

Kelsey
-so he’s going to officiate!

Joleen
Pastor Michaels! Pastor Michaels!

Kelsey
Haha!

Joleen
Will you bless me, Father!

Kelsey
Haha!

Joleen
I’ve been a bad girl, can I confess to you Pastor?

Chase
Quit pawing me, Joleen.

Joleen
Haha!

Rick
I’m getting another beer. Anybody else?

Kelsey
I’ll take one. Joleen?

Joleen
Sure. Thanks Rick.

(He gets up for beer.)

Kelsey
So Aunt Alice, how are you?

33
 Alice
I’m good. Great. Good, you know.

Mark
Did you tell them about Crest?

Alice
They don’t care.

Mindy
Sure we do!

Mark
Alice got the new Crest account. Big deal. First woman at Bayner to lead a major account
like that.

Mindy
Oh awesome!

Kelsey
Good for you Aunt Alice!

Joleen
What does that mean?

Kelsey
Aunt Alice is a big muckity-muck in a big fancy-schmancy advertising agency –

Joleen
Oh, like commercials?

Alice
Yeah, like that.

Joleen
Oh I love that one where the little kid is lost in the stadium and that racoon finds him –

Kelsey
That toilet paper racoon?

Joleen
Yeah! And he helps him and he tosses the pitch –

Kelsey
-and the paper unrolls out right to his mom!

34
 Joleen
I love that one! Did you do that one?

Alice
No.

Mindy
But you’re going to do Crest? That’s awesome.

Alice
Yeah, it’s very flattering and all that. But I’m thinking of, we’re thinking of taking some time
off, you know to do to other things.

Mindy
Oh yes. (fake whispering to Alice) Fingers crossed!

(Mindy reaches out to pat Alice’s stomach again, but Alice shifts away.)

Alice
But we’ll see. Anyway…

Mindy
And Mark, are you still trying to do the writing thing?

Mark
Yup Mindy.

Mindy
I tried to read that one story you had in that thing, oh my gosh it was too smart for me!

Dave
That must be a hard business.

Mark
Oh, uh yeah, you know. I mean, yeah it’s hard to get a foothold – I’m still working on that! -
but it’s not hard. I mean, it’s hard to be good and to get published but it’s not –

Dave
It’s not digging ditches.

Mark
Yeah, right.

Dave
I wrote a story one time.

35
 Mark
Oh yeah?

Dave
It was about this boy who found a frog.

Rick
Oh my god, dad, shut up! (laughs)

Mark
That sounds cool.

Dave
And the frog and the boy became friends.

Rick
Oh my god dad! Shut up dad!

Dave
But nothing much happened after that.

Mark
So, a story about an unlikely friendship?

Dave
No. Just this frog.

Mark
So, like the boy gave the frog human characteristics because the boy needed a friend?

Dave
Not really.

Rick
Oh my god, dad! Shut up about the frog!

(pause)

Mindy
I’m ready to hit the hay!

Kelsey
I’m tired too.

Mindy
Big day tomorrow! Everybody happy with their rooms?

36

Alice
Oh yes. So nice.
(Mindy is cleaning up.)
Let me help you.

Kelsey
And we got basically every kind of cereal Costco had, so when you wake up help yourself.

(As they talk, they pile all the bottles, paper cups and chip bags in the already full trash.)

Mindy
Everybody sleep double-time! Rest up! Tomorrow’s the big day!
And Mr. Carnac, I hope you’re ok with the bunk beds.

Rick
Oh, he loves it. Reminds him of the army.

Mindy
But you’ll speak up if you’re uncomfortable?
Cause I can switch with you easy.
Don’t be quiet about it.

Dave
I’m fine.

Mindy
Don’t suffer in silence!

Chase
A quiet man is a mountain.

Mindy
Oh gosh Chase, so true! Strong silent types! That’s you Mr. Carnac. Perfect way to say it
Chase!

Joleen
He’s got a million of them.

Mark
Goodie.



Scene 4

37
(Mark and Alice are in bed in their room. They are whispering and laughing. Mark is trying
to get the WIFI to work on his phone.)

Mark
I had to seriously pinch my leg! Like I have a bruise there! “The sun had his way with me.”
Oh my god!

Alice
What the fuck?

Mark
I mean, what an asshole.

Alice
I don’t like the way he talks to his wife.

Mark
Joleen?

Alice
(confirming) Joleen.

Mark
(breaks into song) “… Joleen, Joleen. You’ve found yourself a very spooky man.”

Alice
Shhh! In these new constructions you can always hear everything everywhere.

Mark
(re phone) Why won’t this work?

Alice
Maybe there’s not good service in here.

Mark
Come on, they have a thirteen-thousand-dollar rotisserie oven –

Alice
Oh my god –

Mark
And that espresso thing was like ten thousand. I looked it up –

Alice
Insane.

38
 Mark
But they can’t get WIFI into the bedrooms? Sounds right.

Alice
I know this house is nice, but something about it is creepy.

Mark
Working now. (googling) Super creepy.

Alice
Right?

Mark
Like soulless.

Alice
Yeah, like, here are all of the comforts of the world to distract you from the fact that you are
a doomed being headed straight for the abyss.

Mark
(finding something in his Google search) Ok, ok, here we go. Oh my god.

Alice
What?

Mark
He said he was “NSA” Certified?

Alice
What?

Mark
That Chase guy, he said he was “NSA” Certified, whatever that was. And they said it was
“Nature Survivalist” and I was like “ok, if you say so” but my mind was like “but what does
the A stand for?”

Alice
The A?

Mark
“NSA” Ok, well, here it is, in the deep dark corner of the internet -

Alice
What?

Mark

39
Nature Survivalist for the Apocalypse. A – Apocalypse.

Alice
Oh great.

Mark
He’s one of those bunker-in-the-woods-full-of-freeze-dried-food people. One of those.

Alice
Oh god this worries me for Mindy. She’s starting sending me these videos-

Mark
She’s not one of those. She’s one of those aliens-built-the-pyramids-and-DaVinci-was-a-
time-traveler people. Also something something George Sorros. She’s one of those people.

Alice
(rubbing her face) Ok great.

Mark
Get your types straight, Alice.

Alice
Oh god. It’s not funny.

Mark
Well, it’s kinda funny. (reading) Wait wait! There may be some crossover because here on
the NSA site they have a tab for George Sorros! Oh my god these people. Let’s see –

Alice
It’s not funny. You only think it’s funny because it’s not your sister.

Mark
No, hey, I love Mindy.

Alice
I mean, it’s like a sickness. Would you laugh if she had cancer or something?

Mark
Well, come on –

Alice
Would you? Would you be like “Haha, it’s in her liver now!”

Mark
No, come on –

40
 Alice
Well, don’t make fun of this then, ok? She’s like, lonely or maybe bored or, I don’t know,
needing something so bad that she’s reaching for this. Or maybe needing a community or
connection. Russell really did a number on her and then she kinda had to raise Kelsey by
herself, basically, and she did her best but it was hard and maybe she needed something,
like maybe she needed religion but she got this instead by accident, I don’t know, but don’t
make fun of her, ok?

Mark
Ok. I got it. I’m sorry.

Alice
Thanks.

Mark
I’m not saying this to negate what you just said, or to belittle it or whatever. What I’m
about to say is a separate comment, ok? Cause I totally hear you about Mindy.

Alice
Ok?

Mark
Are you worried about calling tomorrow?

Alice
Uh…I’m not worried. I’m just sad.

Mark
But maybe it’ll be good news.

Alice
(deep breath) If none of the embryos are viable then it’s the end. I’m not doing this again.
It’s the end of that dream forever, ok? So that makes me sad. But if there are viable ones,
then it’s going to suck because it’s going to make me hope. I know that somewhere in my
mind I’ll see tiny socks and birthday parties and showing her, like, the ocean which is
basically the stupidest way I can think but I know I’ll do it, and then, when it doesn’t work
out again, that hope will turn into a hot poker that’s stabbed right into my, like into my
throat.
(stopping him)
Please don’t say anything positive and encouraging.
(stopping him again)
Please don’t.

(pause)

Mark

41
(re phone) WIFI disconnected again. Can I try on your phone?

Alice
My phone is busted, remember?

Mark
Oh yeah. Fuck.

Alice
It’s good. Go to sleep. You don’t need to spend the whole night googling these NSA people
and getting all freaked out.

Mark
Excuse me, I don’t get freaked out.

Alice
Excuse me, I totally forgot that you were one of those Silent Mountain Men.

Mark
What a dickhead.

Alice
Go to sleep. Let the night have his way with you.

Mark
Oh my god.

Alice
Goodnight.




Scene 5
(In the morning, Mindy, Kelsey and Alice are drinking coffee at the kitchen counter.)

Kelsey
So, she says to me, you’d better freaking be at work or else I’ll tell Monica and she’ll make
sure it’s recorded on the thing.

Alice
Wow, pretty creepy.

Kelsey
Oh my god, for sure! For sure, for sure. And I’m like, “I can’t help my teeth!”

42
 Alice
Exactly.

Mindy
You want another?

Kelsey
My teeth! Like, I can’t tell them, “Hey teeth, not convenient right now!”

Alice
Right.

Kelsey
Like, “Let’s reschedule, teeth!”

Alice
Come on, right.

Mindy
I’m gonna try the Cherry Pie? You?

Alice
Just milk.

Mindy
Live a little, Alice! I love these paper cups. I feel just like I’m at Starbucks!

Kelsey
But she’s had it out for me ever since I started there, like she hated me at first glance!

Alice
It’s really too bad, though, cause that job sounded like such a great fit.

Mindy
Tell about your shirt!

Kelsey
Oh yeah! Get this! She’s like, “You’ve got to keep your shirt tucked in at all times.”

Mindy
But the shirt she wore was made to be untucked!

Kelsey
And I told her that, but she was like, “regulation.”

Mindy

43
She had it out for you, that’s all.

Kelsey
And I’m like, “I didn’t know my manager was a clothes Nazi.”

Alice
That’s a little…I mean, companies have dress codes –

Mindy
And that blouse was so cute with the fringe. From The Limited.

Kelsey
No, it was Express.

Mindy
Oh fancy! Loud sound!

(coffee grinding)

Kelsey
But the reason I quit was because of when she took away my break.

Mindy
She took her break!

Alice
Ok, taking your break is not cool.

Kelsey
Right, and I’m like “wow, lady!”

Alice
What was her reason?

Mindy
She didn’t just take it, she made her go through the trash!

Alice
What?

Kelsey
Yes, like she forced me to dig through the trash during what would have been my break!

Alice
What? Why?

44
 Kelsey
I know! And I’m like, bitch I don’t recycle at HOME and I’m not going to do it HERE!

Alice
Uh…

Mindy
They force them to do that!

Kelsey
And I’m like, oh my god every time I use something I have to figure out what bin it goes to?
It’s like some freaking test every time? Like, “Oh my god, which one is this?”

Mindy
It’s like four different bins and if you mess it up then they make you go through the trash!
That’s wrong!

Alice
Well, I mean, it’s paper, plastic and glass.

Kelsey
Right? I’m like, “Which one? Which one?” Right? Like I have a million years to do shit like
that!

Mindy
That’s all a big lie anyway. They want you to be thinking about stuff like that. They want to
distract you.

Alice
They?

Mindy
It’s all part of the plan, Alice. Did you watch that movie I sent you?
(Joleen comes in wearing a hoodie with the hood up.)
Hello Sleepy Head! You want coffee?

Joleen
Hi. Maybe just some water first.

Alice
(to Kelsey) Maybe it’s a good time for you to go back to college.

Kelsey
Yeah, maybe.

45
 Mindy
(to Alice) She’s getting married!

Alice
Sure, but you could still go to college.

Mindy
I think she’s already got a lot to think about. (to Kelsey) Right, honey?

Kelsey
Planning this was like a full-time job. But I’m glad cause it came out awesome. And then,
when we get home, mom gave us this huge Home Depot gift card - thanks mom! -and we’re
gonna buy a whole lot of grown-up stuff, like boring grown-up stuff, like lawn furniture or
like one of those Insta Pots –

Mindy
I’ve seen those! They fry too.

Kelsey
- and then…babies, babies, babies!

Mindy
Aw honey. (to Joleen) I’m having the Cherry Pie flavor pump and it’s delicious. Wanna sip,
see if you like it?

Joleen
Sounds yummy. Maybe just some water first?

Alice
Remember those poems you used to send me?

Kelsey
Oh god! So dumb!

Alice
They were not dumb! I loved them. I still have them.

Kelsey
Really?

Joleen
Poems?

Kelsey
Just stupid stuff I wrote when I was like eight.

46
 Alice
I wish you would quit calling them stupid. They were so creative and original.

Kelsey
Haha!

Alice
Don’t you remember them Mindy?

Mindy
I remember when she was a burrito for Halloween! That was cute!

Kelsey
Mom!

Mindy
A fat little burrito! (to Joleen) Here’s your water.

Alice
I loved those poems.

Joleen
(talking down her hood) Thanks Mrs. Nelson.

Kelsey
Hey, what happened to your face?

Joleen
Oh yeah –

Alice
You’ve got a bruise.

Mindy
Oh no! How’d you do that?

Joleen
Oh yeah, I hit my head on the fucking thing.

Kelsey
What thing?

Joleen
One of those lamps by the bed.

Mindy

47
Let’s put something cold on it. (goes to the freezer)

Kelsey
You are so clumsy!

Mindy
Kelsey!

Joleen
No, I am!

Kelsey
Oh no! Now you’re going to have a black eye for the pictures.

Joleen
Oh no, I’m sorry!

Mindy
No, no girls. We’ll just put on lots of concealer and it’ll be fine. Don’t worry! (handing
Joleen something from the freezer) Here’s some frozen cinnamon rolls.

Alice
The lamps?

Joleen
What?

Alice
You mean the reading lamps? By the bed?

Joleen
Uh huh.

Mindy
Stupid lamps! No one reads in bed anyway. Everyone just looks at their phones! They
should rip those out!

Alice
That must‘ve been hard to do, cause those lamps are kinda –

Mindy
Leave that on there and I’ll make you a coffee with three pumps of Cherry Pie.

Kelsey
Make me one too mom. I like the Choco Mint but I want to try the Cherry Pie.

48
 Mindy
Will do! Alice?

Alice
I’m still drinking this one. Thanks.

Kelsey
(to Joleen) Mom’s right – a little make-up, and you won’t even see it

Mindy
I’m going to make it a personal mission to try every single one of these flavors while we’re
here. A personal challenge!

Kelsey
Fun! Me too!

Mindy
Right? Like you’ve got to try new things in life! Be open to new experiences! I don’t want
to turn into one of those old ladies, you know, who get like “I only do things one way!”

Joleen
Like “I only drink Hazelnut, bla, bla, bla!”

Mindy
Exactly! This is my life philosophy. Right, Alice? I should get one of those plaques “Live,
Love, and Try All the Flavors!”

Joleen
You are so funny, Mrs. Nelson!

Kelsey
You should work at Michael’s mom!

Mindy
I’ll get a T-shirt! “Live, Love, and Try All the Flavors!”

(loud grinding sound)

Kelsey
(pointing outside) Look now.

Mindy
Look Alice, the fog is lifting. What did we tell you?

Alice
Oh wow, look at that!

49

Joleen
The view is to die for. Your pictures are gonna be amazing.

Alice
I didn’t realize we were so high up.

Mindy
Castle in the Clouds! Perfect for my baby’s special day.

Alice
(looking out) The mountains to the sea – wow, so, so beautiful. Majestic.

Mindy
(laughing) Ok with your big poetry words!

Alice
Majestic?

Mindy
(while making the coffees) Oh my gosh girls, I wanted to tell you. I was looking at my site
last night before I hit the hay, and LauraFor911Truth posted the funniest meme – of course
she is always hilarious -

Kelsey
Which one is she?

Mindy
She’s the one who posted that big long rant against Bath and Body Works when the
discontinued her body cream flavor?

Kelsey
That was hilarious!

Mindy
Hilarious and so true. They never should’ve discontinued that one.

Joleen
Which one?

Mindy
Beach Dreams.

Joleen
Oh, I loved Beach Dreams! But tell her she can use Miami Sizzle – it’s real close.

50
 Mindy
I will! Thanks, Joleen. She needs some good news cause she’s still at home recovering.

Joleen
Oh, poor baby.

Kelsey
Mom, how about let’s buy her some Miami Sizzle and send it to her?

Alice
Recovering from what?

Mindy
She got picked up and probed again. (to Kelsey) Good idea Kels!

Alice
What?

Kelsey
We can get her one of those gift baskets they do where they put the lotions and stuff in a
sun hat!

Alice
I’m sorry, did you say probed?

Mindy
Oh my god, Alice, what this poor woman has had to deal with. This is the third time! (re
coffee) I’m making them all with half and half unless I hear objections.

Kelsey
And everything in the hat can be Miami Sizzle stuff!

Joleen
They have a great body scrub too.

Alice
Probed by who?

Mindy
The only thing is girls, because of everything all her contact stuff is blocked, so we would
have to send it through FreedomBobby48 who runs the Venmo. I’ll look into it.

Kelsey
Oh, that’s complicated.

Mindy

51
Such a sweet thought though. (pretending to read off the cup, she loudly calls out) Mindy?
Joleen? Two tall Cherry Pie Lattes?

Kelsey
Haha! Just like at Starbucks!

Joleen
Mrs. Nelson you are so funny! You’re like a barista now!

Mindy
Let’s drink them outside.
(They wander out to the deck.)

Kelsey
(re coffee) Mmm! This is good mom!

Joleen
Tastes just like a Cherry Pie!

Kelsey
I thought if we did the set ups here –

Joleen
Oh perfect, with the little bit of the water behind you –

Kelsey
Yeah, and we’ll take them at like 7, you know, right when the light gets all gold –

Joleen
Oh perfect. They call that the “Magic Hour” in the movies.

Alice
I hope your photographer doesn’t get lost getting up here.

Mindy
(to Joleen) Oh I love that movie!

Joleen
No, Mrs. Nelson I mean that’s like the term they use when they make the movie.

Mindy
What movie?

Joleen
Like, any movie. When I did the hair that one day for that one that came through –

52
 Mindy
What?

Joleen
That movie that came through last year and shot downtown –

Kelsey
Remember mom, they shut down all of 22nd Street for like two days?

Mindy
What? What are you talking about?

Kelsey
And they had all those big trailers and we hung around to see if we could see…who was it
again?

Joleen
Marky Mark.

Kelsey
Right! The underwear guy! Remember?

Mindy
What movie?

Joleen
It was called Fast Track but I think they changed the name.

Mindy
I never saw any movie about underwear.

Kelsey
No mom! The movie wasn’t about underwear, just the guy in it was famous for underwear!

Mindy
I thought you meant that one, that one that I love… (to Alice) what’s that one that I love?

Alice
The movie?

Mindy
You know! You know! Come on Alice, what’s it called?

Alice
Uh, give me a hint.

53
 Mindy
It’s funny and that guy I love is in it…come on!

Kelsey
A comedy?

Joleen
The Hangover 3?

Kelsey
No, she means an old movie.

Joleen
The Hangover?

Mindy
No! Come on. It’s funny and that cute guy is in it that I love –

Kelsey
No, like old old. Like Back to the Future old.

Joleen
Oh my god, I don’t know.

Kelsey
Is it Back to the Future?

Mindy
No, that sexy guy I love, with the glasses. Come on Alice, you know!

Kelsey
The sexy guy with the glasses?

Mindy
In that one movie he had the glasses but not in this movie. Alice! And he’s always running in
movies! Running around fast! Alice!
And his hair is like (demonstrates something that means nothing to others) and his arms
are like (some gesture)

Alice
Brad Pitt?

Mindy
No! He was in his underwear in that one movie! And I’ve always loved him!

Alice

54
Oh, Tom Cruise?

Mindy Alice
Tom Cruise! Yes! But glasses…?
So, what’s the movie I love?

Alice
Risky Business?

Mindy
No! Not that one. The one I love…it’s funny and his hair is like (demonstrates again).

Alice
I don’t get what you’re doing there.

Mindy
Oh come on, it’s the best one.

Alice
Top Gun?

Mindy
No.

Alice
A Few Good Men?

Mindy
No.

Alice
The Mission Impossibles?

Mindy
No not those.

Alice
(getting sick of this) Jerry McGuire?

Mindy
No…

Kelsey
Wow Aunt Alice, you know a lot of Tom Cruise movies!

Joleen

55
I think I’ve only ever seen that zombie one. What was that called?

Kelsey
Oh I saw that one. That was sick!

Alice
War of the Worlds.

Joleen
That was it! (to Mindy) War of the Worlds?

Kelsey
(to Alice) You’re like a Tom Cruise expert!

Mindy
No, not that one. Say some more.

Alice
It’s ok, it’ll come to you.

Mindy
Just say a couple more.

Alice
It’ll come to you.

Mindy
Just one more.

Alice
Cocktail?

Mindy
No.

Alice
(crabby) Ok, well that was a lot of choices, and I don’t remember any more.

Mindy
Ok, sorry! So crabby!
Anyway, I love that movie.

(pause)

Alice

56
You know Kelsey, you might want to give your photographer a call and make sure he
knows how to get up here. We got kinda lost last night.

Kelsey
Oh, we’re not having a photographer.

Alice
Oh?

Kelsey
Yeah, Chase said that when you pay a ton of money for a photographer what you’re really
paying for is the equipment and after you pay all that money all you have to show for it is
the pictures. That’s how they scam you.

Alice
Ok…but aren’t the pictures what you want?

Kelsey
So, he said that it would be better to just buy a really nice camera and take them ourselves
because then at the end of the day we have the pictures and the camera.

Mindy
Chase always has the best ideas.

Alice
So, who’s going to take the pictures.

Kelsey
I guess we better figure that out!

Joleen
Maybe Rick’s dad.

Mindy
Oh, he’ll do it. He’s sweet.

Alice
Does he know anything about photography?

Joleen
Chase says that with these nice cameras the pictures basically take themselves.

Kelsey
Mom, help me remember to ask him, ok?

Mindy

57
Sure thing.

(pause as they look out)

Alice
Hey, what’s that?

Mindy
What?

Alice
Doesn’t that look like smoke?

Kelsey
Where?

Joleen
I don’t know. Maybe.

Mindy
I don’t see it.

Alice
There. Down there. Look more to your left.

Mindy
I don’t see it.

Alice
The smoke. The white billowing up over there.

Mindy
I don’t see it.

Alice
There. Right there.

Mindy
I don’t see it. But I’m sure it’s not smoke.

Alice
Why are you sure it’s not smoke if you can’t see it?

Mindy
Well Alice, why would there be smoke?

58
 Joleen
Sometimes there are fires.

Mindy
Anyway, I don’t see it.

Alice
There! Right there! You don’t see it?

Mindy
Nope.

Alice
Point your head that way (moves her head)

Mindy
Hey!

Alice
Just look that way.

Mindy
There’s this whole beautiful view and you are so excited to show me the one bad thing you
can find.

Alice
No, it’s just crazy that you act like you can’t see it.

Mindy
I don’t see it.

Alice
Come on. Yes you do.

Mindy
I don’t.

Alice
Come on girls, you see it, right?

Kelsey
I’m neutral.

Joleen
I think you’re both right.

59
 Alice
It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s just looking at what is objectively there!

Mindy
Let’s just agree to disagree.

Alice
There’s nothing to agree about. Just look!

Mindy
What I see is a beautiful view on a perfect day. (sweeping her arm) Beautiful and perfect.

Alice
You’re acting crazy.

Mindy
Oh, now I’m crazy?

Alice
No, you’re acting crazy.

Mindy
Today is my daughter’s wedding day, a beautiful perfect day. Why won’t you let me have
that?

Alice
What are you talking about?

Mindy
Picking fights, calling me crazy.

Alice
I’m not picking a fight with you!

Mindy
Well, you’re yelling.

Alice
I’m not yelling!

Mindy
Who’s the crazy one here?

Alice
YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE!

60
(Mindy starts to cry)

Kelsey
Hey mom, don’t cry! It is beautiful!

Joleen
It’s so beautiful. You’re right!

Alice
I never said it wasn’t beautiful.

Mindy
I’m sorry. I guess I’m just crazy.

Alice
No, no I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled.

Mindy
Must be exhausting to be around someone so crazy.

Kelsey
Mom, you’re not crazy!

Joleen
Oh my god, you’re like the sanest person I know Mrs. Nelson!

Alice
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Mindy
I’m the big sister, aren’t I supposed to pick on YOU? (laughs)

Alice
Well, I wasn’t really picking on you, but I’m sorry.

Joleen
Aw, sister love! Hug it out!

Mindy
(laughing as she wipes her nose) Aren’t BIG sisters supposed to be the ones that tease and
tease and make LITTLE sisters feel like dummies? How did I screw that up?

Alice
No, I was just saying I couldn’t believe you won’t admit that you see the –

Joleen

61
Aw, hug it out! Hug it out!

Mindy
For my part, I’ll always love you little sister. No matter how mean you are.

Joleen
Aw, sister love! I love it!

Mindy
Hug?

(They hug.)

Joleen
(clapping) Aw, so cute! I wish I had a sister like that!



Scene 6
(Alice and Mark are in their room. Alice is trying to make a call on Mark’s phone.)

Alice
Still on hold.

Mark
Ok.

Alice
I feel sick.

Mark
Stay right by the window because that‘s the best spot for service.

Alice
I think I’m going to throw up.

Mark
No, you’re not.

Alice
What do you know?

Mark
You don’t have that throw up look.

Alice

62
The what?

Mark
That look. You don’t have it.

Alice
Oh god, oh god, I hate this. I hate how powerless I feel. I hate caring about something so
much. Hello? (listens) False alarm. (listens) Lionel Richie.

Mark
Ok.

Alice
Fucking “Lady.”

Mark
Fuck him.

Alice
I hate you, Lionel Richie.

Mark
We hate you so much.

Alice
We hate you and your lady. Hello? Hi, hello. (nods to Mark. He listens.) Yes, this is she. Uh
huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. (Mark bites his nails.) Ok. Ok. I understand. Ok. Thank you.
Goodbye. (She hangs up and sits on the bed.)

Mark
Well? (She sits) Well, what? What did they say?

Alice
There’s one.

Mark
What?

Alice
They all died. Or not died, never came to life, whatever – all of them. Except one. There’s
one that worked. One viable one.

Mark
Ok. One is all we need.

Alice

63
She said it must be a strong one. A good one. That the chances are that it’s a good one.

Mark
Well, that’s wonderful.

Alice
It’s waiting for us, she said.

Mark
Ok. That’s good, right?

Alice
I guess.

Mark
What is it?

Alice
I guess I was so prepared for, you know, bad news, and I had decided, you know, that when
it was bad news this time that it would be the end. And I didn’t want it to be the end, of
course, but now I see that the end has some advantages.

Mark
Like…?

Alice
Like…well, for one it’s the end. No more road. So you can just stop and sit down, I guess,
and nobody could say anything about it.

Mark
Yeah, I see.

Alice
And now I feel like, instead of the end of the road with, like, one little construction cone,
instead I’ve come across this huge, like a mall or something, some kind of giant commercial
complex made out of glass and steel, and there’s a million trillion choices for me to make
and a million trillion ways things can go wrong and everything inside is so, so expensive.

Mark
So…what do you want?

Alice
I want a baby.

Mark
Ok, why?

64

Alice
Cause…I don’t know…primal need?

Mark
Want me to tell you why I want a baby?

Alice
Ok.

Mark
Well, let me correct that. I don’t want a baby, I want a baby with you. Different.

Alice
Ok.

Mark
When I met you and fell in love with you it was like I found all these extra rooms, you know
like those dreams where you find a little door in your apartment and you open it and you
discover that you have an extra bedroom with a closet and half bath that you didn’t know
you had?

Alice
I think maybe only New Yorkers have those dreams.

Mark
Anyway, I discovered all these chambers – like a huge bedroom and a little sunlit study and
an eat-in kitchen and a like a, I don’t know, craft room –

Alice
Too much HGTV!

Mark
But listen, I have all these rooms now, all this new space because of you and how much we
love each other, and it makes me want to share it. To give it to someone, to invite them in
and shower them with everything because now I know that that kind of love makes more
love and more love is what makes the world someplace worth living in.

Alice
Ok. Counterargument:
What about disappointment, regret, death and destruction?

Mark
What about ‘em?

Alice

65
Don’t they scare you?

Mark
Yeah, but they’re not going away, so I may as well do whatever the fuck I want until they
get me.


Scene 7

(Mindy is sitting alone at the counter eating ice-cream. Alice comes in.)

Alice
Hey. Where is everybody?

Mindy
Joleen is giving out facials. If you run up there she’ll give you one.

Alice
Oh, sweet.

Mindy
Go on up.

Alice
Nah, I’m not really in the mood. Why aren’t you getting one?

Mindy
I’m having ice cream
Want some? It’s Chocolate Caramel Pecan Cookie Crunch.

Alice
Sounds good actually.

Mindy
Grab a spoon, baby sister!

(Alice sits down next to Mindy and takes a bite.)

Alice
This is good!

Mindy
Better than a facial.

Alice
So much better.

66
(small pause)
Mindy, do you think Kelsey is happy?

Mindy
What?

Alice
Do you think she’s, you know, happy?

Mindy
(laughing) What kind of question is that?

Alice
I don’t mean it in a bad way -

Mindy
Why would you say that?

Alice
No, not like that. I don’t mean she’s not happy, I’m sure she’s happy –

Mindy
Then why would you ask that then, if you’re sure?

Alice
Mindy, don’t be so sensitive, I wasn’t asking anything bad –

Mindy
It’s her wedding! She’s happy!

Alice
Sure, I’m sure! Just…I was just, I thought we could just talk.

Mindy
(cheerfully) We are talking.

Alice
I mean, I guess I was just opening the door, just saying something so that we could talk
more deeply.

Mindy
We are talking! We’re talking right now!

Alice
Ok. Sure. Ok.

67
 Mindy
You’re so funny.

Alice
Ok.

(pause)

Alice
I wish mom was here.

Mindy
Yeah.

Alice
She would’ve been so happy for Kelsey.

Mindy
Yeah.

Alice
And…I don’t know, but doesn’t it feel like without her here everything is falling apart? Like
there’s no more form to anything?

Mindy
Let’s talk about something cheerful.

Alice
But don’t you feel that way too, Mindy? Like at Christmas – didn’t you feel like, “Is this
Christmas even?” This is crazy to say because I know we’re so old now, but I feel like an
orphan. Like I’ve been orphaned, you know?

Mindy
Yeah, I know what you mean.

Alice
You do? You feel like that too?

Mindy
Sure.

Alice
Really?

Mindy

68
Sure. But then I remember that she’s always right here with me, looking on, seeing
everything, watching over everything all the time. She’s right here. And then I feel happy
again.

Alice
Yeah? (small pause) I mean, do you really think that?

Mindy
Of course. I just said I did.

Alice
Does that make you feel better, I mean?

Mindy
Of course.

Alice
Cause, I mean, she’s not really here, right? I mean, that’s the thing, the thing that sucks. So,
it’s hard for me to, you know, just say the opposite of what’s true and then just decide to
feel better.

(pause)

Mindy
You are the rudest person.

Alice
What?

Mindy
You say you want to talk and be gloomy and I say I don’t want to talk and be gloomy and
then you make me talk and be gloomy and then, after I do what you want, you tell me that
what I said was stupid.

Alice
I didn’t mean you were stupid. I just wanted to, you know, communicate.

Mindy
Well, some of us don’t like to get all gloomy and roll around in the gloom, ok? Some of us
don’t get to whoosh in whenever and then whoosh out whenever –

Alice
Whoosh?

Mindy

69
Some of us were there every day so it’s not a little game for some of us to sit around and see
how gloomy we can get.

(pause)

Alice
I’m sorry. I’m in kind of a weird mood. I just had a…

Mindy
What?

Alice
Nothing. I just wish mom was here.
I’m sorry that I said what you said was stupid.

Mindy
Oh, I don’t remember! (regarding ice cream) You done with this?

Alice
Yeah. It was good.

Mindy
Ice cream makes everything better!

Alice
I really didn’t mean to say you were stupid. That was rude.

Mindy
I don’t remember! I don’t even remember!

Alice
Ok.

Mindy
I don’t remember! (finishes putting away the ice-cream and kisses Alice on the head)
I don’t remember a thing!



Scene 8
(Mark, Rick and Dave are on the deck dressed for the wedding – Mark and Rick are wearing
suits, Dave’s in khakis and a blazer. Mark and Rick are moving the deck chairs around. Dave
stares out at the view.)

Rick
Maybe let’s roll the table over there out of the way.

70

Mark
You got it.

Rick
Careful, it’s heavy.

Mark
Wow, it is. I can’t even budge it. Wow.

Rick
It’s weighted. Cause of the wind.

Mark
Oh?

Rick
Yeah, up here it can get really windy. If it wasn’t weighted it would blow right off the deck.

Mark
The whole table?

Rick
When you put a house on a cliff like this, a lot of weird things can happen. One time I
worked on this rich guy’s house, he had a big fight with the nature groups, like the “we love
nature” groups –

Mark
Those groups.

Rick
And after a long fight about it, the rich guy won and he got to put his house where he
wanted which was right up on this mountain. It was the only one up there, on this big
empty mountain. You’d look and you’d see this huge mountain, but right smack in the
middle was his house. You couldn’t miss it. It was awesome.

Mark
Awesome.

Rick
Dad, wake up! Would you help us? (Dave comes over to help roll the table.) Anyway, I was
working on the decking. The house was done except for the finishes, you know, and - (re
table) Let’s put it in that corner. (They roll. It takes all three.) – and I’m working on the
deck with this other guy (to his dad) It was Andrew, remember him? With the mole?

Dave

71
Sure.

Rick
That mole turned out cancer. (to Mark) It was this guy’s trademark and it turned out
cancer.

Mark
How awful.

Rick
Right? Anyway, we were working and the wind whipped up and something about the
mountain and the placement of the house made conditions such that I swear to god a little
tornado spun up right on the deck! I swear to god!

Mark
Wow.

Rick
Yeah, the rich guy had to pause all construction and get some like wind expert. Somehow,
they had accidentally built like this perfect wind tunnel and they had to put up all these
little walls and columns to fix it. It cost a fortune!

Mark
Maybe he shouldn’t’ve built his house up there.

Rick
Haha! Right! (laughs) It was an awesome house.

(pause)

Mark
You nervous?

Rick
Nah.

Mark
You’re not?

Rick
Should I be?

Mark
No…just your wedding…big moment.

Rick

72
I’m just happy.

Mark
That’s good. I was nervous on my wedding day.

Rick
Why? Did you have doubts?

Mark
Well, no –

Rick
Were you like, “Oh no man, what the fuck did I agree to?”

Mark
Not at all, just, I mean, it’s normal to be nervous at your wedding.

Rick
Is it?

Mark
Well, yes. Pretty normal. Common.

Rick
Really?

Mark
Well yes. It’s almost like a cliché – I mean, that’s how common it is.

Rick
Huh.

Mark
(to Dave) You were nervous at your wedding, right?
(Dave looks over.)
Were you nervous when you got married?

Dave
I don’t remember.

Mark
Oh come on, you remember.

Dave
(smiling and shrugging) Nah.

73
 Mark
Come on.

Rick
No, he doesn’t. He used to get black out drunk all the time and lose, like, weeks.
(Dave smiles and shrugs again.)
You can never ask him about anything. Right dad?
(Dave chuckles.)

Mark
Oh. Ok.

Rick
Oh fuck! I better get the camera stuff all set up. (He starts opening a box)

Mark
Yeah, I was wondering what that was. Who’s taking the pictures?

Rick
I guess dad will do it.

Mark
Oh, that’s cool.

Rick
Unless you want to take it on?

Mark
Oh, well I don’t know anything about it.

Rick
Hey, no problem. This camera basically takes the pictures itself.

Mark
Well…really?

Rick
That’s why Chase recommended it. Top of the line stuff.

Mark
He knows about cameras, huh?

Rick
He knows about everything.

Mark

74
Maybe he should take the pictures.

Rick
He’s the Best Man!

Mark
Right.
So, you two work together? That’s how you met?

Rick
Yeah we work together. And we’re in this group. Here’s the battery and there’s a stand
thing.

Mark
A tripod?

Rick
I thought you said you didn’t know anything about it?

Mark
Well, I know the word “tripod” –

Rick
And here’s the light meter thing.

Mark
Wow, fancy. What group are you guys in?

Rick
It’s like a men’s club. An online club basically helping guys to catch all the lies. I think I got
everything out of the box –

Mark
The lies?

Rick
It’s pretty amazing, right dad? Dad works in computers.

Mark
Oh yeah?

Rick
Once you start seeing all the lies then you just can’t unsee them and it’s really unbelievable
all the straight up lying that’s going on all the time. Once you start to see it, we call it the
Undertruth- once you get to the Undertruth then - Oh shit, here’s the manual. I almost
threw that out. Here you go, you can look through that real quick.

75

(Rick hands him a thick instruction manual.)

Mark
Wait, I don’t think I should take the pictures. I really don’t know anything about this at all –

(Chase comes out to the deck from the house. He is dressed in slacks and a bright Hawaiian
shirt. His hair is slicked back.)

Rick
Here he is! My best man!

Chase
Peace, Bro.

Rick
You look good, man!

Chase
Gotta get upscale for your big day, my man!

Rick
Oh man, I love that cologne!

Chase
Do ya?

Rick
You smell good, Bro!

Mark
Very distinctive.

Chase
It’s my own blend.

Rick
You smell good!

Mark
You…mix it yourself?

Chase
No man, I order it from a place online. But you choose the primary, the secondary and the
undertone scents based on a questionnaire.

76
 Mark
A questionnaire?

Chase
It’s all based on your goals, what do you want to present. It’s an impact tool.
You create your olfactory avatar.

Mark
Wow, that’s something.

Chase
Yeah, it’s pheromone warfare, man. You gotta do whatever it takes to interrupt the system,
expose the lies. You know how sometimes a dog will run away from another dog, just see
the dog and run away? That’s pheromone warfare.
I’ll send you the link.
(sees camera)
You got the camera, man!

Rick
Of course!

Chase
This is awesome. (looking through all the equipment)

Rick
Mark said he’d take the pictures.

Mark
Well, I don’t think –

Chase
Way to step up, man!

Rick
I was just starting to fill him in on everything. You know, the group.

Chase
Oh man, ready to have your mind blown?

Mark
Yeah, I’m extremely excited to have my mind blown, but first uh, this camera is pretty
complicated and I don’t know –

Chase
Don’t overthink it. You got this.

77
 Mark
I just don’t want to mess up your pictures, Rick –

Chase
Oh shit, they all got into your head. Don’t let the doubt creep in. That’s how it works, you
know.

Rick
Totally, man.

Chase
I’ll help you set it up. (He messes with the equipment. Suddenly he yells to the air…)
FUCKIN’ LIES, MAN!

Rick
(laughing) Chase, you are a passionate dude!

(Joleen comes out from the house. She is very dolled up – super short skirt, curing iron
hair, very high heels, lots of make-up. She holds a large tub of some kind of hair product.)

Joleen
What are you guys yelling about out here?

Chase
(as he sets up camera) Hello, sexy lady.

Rick
Are you guys almost ready?

Joleen
We’re getting there! Hold your horses! (holding out tub) We can’t get this open.

Mark
I’ll try. (He gets the tub.)

Rick
(to Joleen) Well, don’t take forever cause the light’s almost perfect.

Joleen
You can’t rush beauty, Rick!

Mark
(trying to open the tub) Wow, this thing is tight.

Rick
Maybe I should go back there and tell her-

78

Joleen
No, no, no! Bad luck to see the bride!

Rick
I saw her all morning!

Mark
(struggling with the tub) Jesus, this thing…

Joleen
Well, you can’t see her getting ready, Rick!

Mark
I think we need a, like one of those rubber things cause this is really stuck.

(Chase leans over, takes it, and pops it open.)

Joleen
Thanks babe.

Rick
Tell her no joke to hurry.

Joleen
We’ll be out in twenty minutes.

(Joleen heads back in.)

Chase
If you give women twenty then they take forty, man.

Rick
(calling after her) Make it five!

Mark
Wow, you opened that pretty easy.

Chase
(smirking) You must’ve loosened it for me.

Rick
Chase has the strongest hands. He does finger hangs for forty-five minutes a day.

Mark
What?

79

Rick
He has this thing he puts in the doorway and he hangs from it by his fingers. Different ones
each day.

Mark
Forty-five minutes on two fingers?

Chase
Yeah, and do you want to know which are my strongest ones?

Mark
Uh…

Chase
It’s these two man! (He flips the bird with each hand.)

Rick
Ah ha ha ha!

Chase
These two! From repeated use!

Rick
Ha ha ha! You bet man!
You know, I’m going to go up there and keep ‘em moving.

Chase
Good for you, man. Start your marriage out right.

Rick
Come with me dad. I’ll send you in with messages.

(Rick and Dave go inside.)

Chase
(regarding camera) Ok Mark, I got you set up.

Mark
You know, if you want to take the pictures then that fine.

Chase
No way! This is your deal!
Let me show you the ropes.

Mark

80
(weakly) Ok.

Chase
You used one of these before?

Mark
I’m more of a point and shoot guy.

Chase
Aw man, letting the machine make all your choices for you?
This is designed like butter, man, so smooth - easy enough for a baby to use. Basically,
there are three main parts of the camera you gotta keep your eyes on: aperture,
shutter speed, and ISO. And there are about seven basic things to keep in mind for each
picture: line, shape, form, texture, color, size, depth.

Mark
What?

Chase
See this? This is the auto setting. Just scratch that off in your mind. Fuck that man. You
are in control, ok, not this fucking machine.

Mark
Listen -

Chase
Aperture is like the faucet in your sink – you turn the tap on high and water flows out, you
turn it down and the water is a trickle. Aperture is like that faucet, but with light. Turn the
camera to A, see? And it’s measured in numbers 1.8, 3.5, 5.6 – see that? The smaller the
number the more open the aperture or to say it another way, the more the light gets in, the
more the faucet is open, right?

Mark
Maybe for today, if I’m taking the photos you know, maybe the Auto setting is best?

Chase
No man! Come on, just listen. Believe in yourself. You are smarter than this camera.
You’re a man, you’re a god, and you can do anything.
(Mark laughs)
Why do you laugh? Why are you laughing?

Mark
Are you for real?

Chase
I’m as real as thunder.

81

Mark
Ok like that. What does that even mean?

Chase
You make the call.

Mark
Well…either you’re accurately describing yourself as thunder, meaning that you’re just a
sound produced by the rapid expansion of air. Or, you know, you just think the word
thunder sounds cool.

(small pause)

Chase
You’re smart.

Mark
Ok.

Chase
I like it.

Mark
I’m validated.

Chase
We need guys like you.

Mark
Are we entering the part of the night where you take me under your wing, and despite my
better judgment I’m flattered, activating an old middle school need to be accepted by the
cool kids?

Chase
I don’t know about all that, man. I just want to help you reach your full potential.

Mark
Ok, well, thanks for the help, but I think I’ve got it from here.

Chase
Ok, man. We’re cool. Let me show you the rest of the things with the camera.

Mark
I got it. If I’m taking the pictures then I’m setting it on auto.

82
 Chase
Hey, don’t get defensive.

Mark
You’re welcome to take the pictures, but if I’m doing it, then I’ll set it on auto.

Chase
So, now you’re fighting to be mediocre.

Mark
Whatever.

Chase
Now you’re fighting to give up control. You want that?

Mark
They should’ve hired a photographer. They should have someone who knows what they’re
doing taking the pictures of their big day, but they didn’t, and somehow I got roped into it,
and so I’m putting it on fucking auto.

Chase
Ok.
Auto. Automatic.
You let someone else fuck your wife for you too?
Open up your fucking aperture, man.

(Rick and Dave return.)

Rick
I think I’ve got them coming.

Chase
Way to take control, Rick.

Rick
Just in time, too, cause it’s getting dark.

Chase
No worries. You’ve got Mark over there handling the camera. He takes pictures with both
his eyes shut.

Rick
(not really listening) Thanks so much Mark! I’m sorry we kinda threw that at you. (looking
up) Wow, the sun is going down. Where the fuck are they?

Dave

83
Here they come.

(Joleen and Alice come out on the deck.)

Chase
About fucking time, Joleen.

Joleen
Sorry!

Rick
Is she ready? The sun’s going down fast.

Joleen
No problem, we’ll just do pictures first. That’s what matters.

Rick
Where is she?

Joleen
Right here, nervous groom.

(Kelsey steps out in her big wedding dress. It’s elaborate for this small house wedding.
Mindy helps with the train.)

Rick
Wow Kels, you look beautiful.

Joleen
Worth the wait?

Rick
It’s awesome.

Mark
I don’t mean to butt in here, but as the official wedding photographer –

Alice
As the what?

Mark
(giving Alice a look) – as the official photographer, I’m afraid the sun is really going down.
If you want some pictures then we better take them fast.

Kelsey
Ok. What first?

84

Mindy
Bride and groom!

(Rick and Kelsey stand together in a typical wedding pose.)

Mark
Rick, pull your shirt down a little.
(Rick does and Mark looks in the camera.)
Wait, I see something in the frame. Hold up.
(looks again and peers out)
Is that smoke?

Alice
Yeah, I see it.

Mark
I can see it in the frame really clearly.

Alice
It’s gotten bigger now.

Mindy
Ooh, the sun is so perfect right now! Take the picture!

Mark
But you don’t want that in the pictures, right?

Mindy
You guys are just perfectionists, I guess!

Joleen
I don’t really see it that much.

Alice
You don’t?

Joleen
I mean, if I really look for it…

Mark
Listen, Kelsey and Rick just take a few steps over to your right. (they do) Two more. (they
do) Ok, one more.

Kelsey
But I want the water in the back.

85

Mark
Ok, that’s good. I don’t see the smoke now.

Kelsey
But can you still see the water?

Mark
Uh (looking) yeah, it’s there.

Joleen
Getting dark!

Mark
Ok, here we go. (They pose and he snaps the photo.) Maybe get a little closer. (He takes
another.)

Joleen
Kiss her hand, Rick!

(Rick kisses her hand and Mark snaps the photo.)

Joleen
Now one with Rick behind – yeah like that!

(Mark takes the photo.)

Mindy
Do one where you both look off into the distance together, like you’re both imagining your
future.

Kelsey
Mom.

Mindy
For your old mama!

(They do it. Mark takes several pictures.)

Joleen
Oh so pretty!

Mindy
Right?

Joleen

86
You were right, Mrs. Nelson, that’s the one for Insta.

Mark
I see the smoke again. The wind is picking up.

Mindy
I don’t see it.

Mark
Move over one more step. (They do.) That’s ok.

Joleen
A dip and kiss!

(They do. Mark snaps away.)

Mindy
Hands as hearts!

(They hold their hands in heart shapes and Mark snaps the picture.)

Joleen
Now forehead to forehead.

Mindy
I love those!

Joleen
Yeah, like you’re looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Dreaming of your future babies!
(They do and Mark snaps.)

Mindy
Aw, now I’m gonna cry!

Alice
Getting darker.

Joleen
Let’s do the family now. Mom and Dad?

(Mindy and Dave join, Mark snaps.)

Joleen
One where you each look at your own kid and think, “Where did the time go?”
Like, put your hand on her cheek and you put your hand on his shoulder. Oh good, like that!
(Mark snaps)

87
Now a funny one, pull your pockets out like “This wedding cost a fortune!”

Mindy
That’s tacky!

Kelsey
It’s just funny mom.

Joleen
Believe me, you’ll like all these later! Believe me!

Mindy
I don’t have a pocket though!

Joleen
Just your hands like (Joleen demonstrates) and Mr. Carnac you do the pocket. (They do it.)
Good, and your faces like “Where did all my money go?”

(The do it and Mark snaps.)

Mark
The light is going away.

Joleen
The bride and groom foreheads together!

Mark
We did that one. I see the smoke again.

Joleen
But screaming this time, like screaming for joy! Scream!
(Another one, snap. The light is going down and the camera starts to flash. Everything
moves fast from here on.)
The whole wedding party now! Best man and maid of honor!
(They pose, flash)

Kelsey
Everybody kissing!

(The do, flash.)

Mindy
Girls on boys’ backs! Young Forever!

(They do, flash)

88
 Mindy
Now do one like, “Marriage is what?”

(They do, flash.)

Mindy
Now everybody jump! Jump! Higher! Jump higher!

(They jump, jump, jump, flash, flash, flash)

Mark
It’s almost dark now.

Joleen
Everybody in! Come on! Everybody cheer!
(They pose and flash)
Come on Alice! Squeeze in!
You’re gonna love these when you’re old and grey! These are forever!

(Flash. The poses get more frantic and extreme with each shot, and the camera flashes like
a strobe in the darkness.)

Mindy
Love forever!

(They pose and flash)
Kelsey
Happiness!

(flash)
Mindy
Love and happiness forever!

(flash)
Kelsey
Forever into the future!

(flash)
Joleen
The happy future!

(flash)
Kelsey and Joleen
The future!

(flash)

89

Kelsey/Joleen/Mindy/Rick
The future!

(blackout)


Scene 9

(Much later in the evening, everyone has been drinking. Kelsey is still in her wedding
dress, but it is rumpled and a bit dismantled. All of the men’s jackets are off. There are big
trays of half-eaten food from Costco – chicken wings, meat plates, cheese and crackers,
cookies – and lots of beer bottles everywhere. Loud music is playing and the two younger
couples are dancing while Mark, Alice, Mindy and Dave watch. Chase and Joleen dance in
an overly sexual way. It is uncomfortable. When the song ends, Mindy claps.)

Mindy
Whoo hoo! Yay for the married couple!

Kelsey
Thank mom.

Mindy
You two look so good together!

Rick
Thanks mom.

Kelsey
Oh my god! (they kiss)

Mindy
And you’ve got some moves Chase. Wow.

Mark
Yeah. Not uncomfortable at all.

Chase
I love to dance.

Joleen
Chase won the Gilly’s All-Comers Dance Off three times.

Mindy
Wow!

90
 Mark
(under his breath) Jesus fucking Christ.

Chase
(to Mark) Let’s see your moves.

Mark
I’m more of a sitter.

Chase
Dancing is the closest corollary to sex. You can tell a lot about how a person performs in
bed by the way they dance. What kind of lover they are.

Mark
We get it.

Chase
Some people live in their heads. They forget they have a body. They think they’re so smart,
but if they aren’t in touch with everything the body can do then they are walking around
operating at half capacity.

Mark
How tragic for those people.

Chase
Use or or lose it.

Joleen
First time I saw Chase at the Dance Off I was like, “Give mama some ‘a that!”
(Chase and Joleen make out.)

Alice
I’m getting tired. Might be about time for me to head to bed.

Kelsey
No, no wait! We haven’t even done toasts yet.

Joleen
Oh yes! Toasts!

Kelsey
We have to do toasts. I mean, we have to.

Joleen
Oh yes, we have to. Let’s hear from the Mother of the Bride!

91
 Mindy
Me? No,no…

Kelsey
Come on mom!

Alice
Make a toast, Mindy.

Mindy
Oh gosh, I don’t know…

Joleen
Does everybody have a drink?

Alice
Does it seem smokey in here to anyone?

Mark
Yeah, I think we should close the door to the deck. It’s coming from there.

Mindy
I don’t smell anything.

Alice
It’s pretty bad.

Joleen
It’s a little stinky in here!

Mindy
I don’t smell a thing!

Kelsey
Rick, will you close the door to the deck.

Rick
Will do, Wife.

Kelsey
Aw, I love it! Husband!

(Rick closes the door.)

Joleen
Ok, toast time!

92

Mindy
I don’t know…

Joleen
Just speak from the heart, Mrs. Nelson.

Mindy
Get up here with me Alice, I need moral support!

Alice
Nah, you’ll be fine –

Mindy
Get up here little sister! I need you! We’ll do it together!

Alice
Ok, sure.

(Alice stands up with Mindy)

Mindy
Ok…let’s see…uh, first of all, I can’t believe that my little baby, my little love nugget, has
grown all the way up and is now this beautiful young woman on her wedding day –

Joleen
Aw!

Mindy
When you were born Kelsey, it was truly the best day of my life. It seems like it was just
yesterday that you were a little girl with pigtails. (starts to cry a little) Ok, Alice, you say
something now!

Kelsey
Oh mom!

Alice
(puts her arm around Mindy) We’re so proud of you Kelsey. You were always such a neat
kid, and we’re so excited for your new future with Rick, who I just met but you really seem
like a terrific guy. We’re all so happy to be here on your wedding day, and I only wish that
mom could be here too, cause she would really love it.

Mindy
Oh, she’d be crying.

Alice

93
She would.

Mindy
And she’d be running around pulling your hair out of your eyes all night!

Alice
(laughing) “I just want to see your beautiful eyes!”

Mindy
That’s right! “I just want to see your beautiful eyes!”
(Alice and Mindy laugh)
And she would’ve loved you, Rick. Though she’d say, “You better take care of my girl unless
you wanna see what an angry Mama Bear looks like!”

Kelsey
Grandma would say that?

Mindy
She was a tough cookie.

Alice
She was.

Kelsey
Hard to imagine grandma saying that!

Mindy
That’s because you just remember how she was at the end, Kels. She wasn’t always like
that, so small and tiny in the bed. You weren’t there that much, Alice, but it was so hard
watching her get so tiny –

Alice
I remember.

Mindy
You’d whoosh in, and I’d be like “prepare yourself for a shock,” but there was nothing like
watching her get littler and littler every day, like she was melting away. And in hospice I
remember thinking, “Who is this skeleton?”
(tries to laugh it off) You probably don’t remember any of this, with your busy life!

Alice
Mindy, of course I remember –

Mindy
I don’t like to dwell on sad stuff, but life can be hard, so I guess I’m saying, you and Rick,
you’ve got to stick together. The world is out to get you, with all the crime and rude people

94
and the chem trails. You have to love and protect each other through thick and thin!
Because some people will stop at nothing, like the people who torture little babies, right?

Alice
What?

Mindy
You’re too busy to watch the things I send you, Alice, but if they’ll extract the adrenochrome
from innocent little babies for Anderson Cooper, then you know they’ll stop at nothing.

Alice
Anderson Cooper -?

Mindy
All I want is a good, safe world for you and Rick. A place where you can raise your family
and grow old together and be happy. A world where you two won’t be sprayed with bio-
chemicals to alter your DNA, or a world without boys pretending they want to be girls just
so they can get in the ladies room to sneak a look at some panties. I pray for a world where
you won’t be forced to take “medical tests” that are secretly planting living microfibers in
your skin. I pray everyday to live in a country without illegals coming over in huge
caravans with their bags of drugs and guns. I want to stop the underground reptilian
societies that are controlling everything from their nests below the ruins of the World Slave
Center.

Alice
Mindy, what the hell are you talking about?

Mindy
Oh, you’re too busy to think about these things, I guess.

Alice
This is, I’m sorry, really insane Mindy –

Mindy
I’m sorry, I’m just a simple mom -

Alice
Kelsey, all this stuff is…it’s nuts. (to Mindy) You say you don’t want to think about sad
things, but then you imagine all this awful stuff.

Mindy
But we can stop them, if we pay attention. You hear that, Kels?

Alice
Stop what? Kelsey, I hope you’re not listening to all this.

95
 Mindy
(offended) Excuse me, I hope you are listening -

Alice
Mindy, do you really think that all these awful things are going on – baby torture and what
else did you say -?

Mindy
It’s all connected, Alice.

Alice
No, it’s not. Don’t be afraid of all that, Kelsey -

Mindy
You should be afraid, Kelsey –

Alice
She’s saying insane things -

Mindy
I’m not some smart fancy thinker -

Alice
- I mean living micro fibers - ?

Mindy
I’m just a mom who wants the best for her kid –

Alice
- reptilian societies, please Kelsey don’t listen to all that crap!

Mindy
- I’m just a mom, just simple mom!

Alice
It’s deranged!

Mindy
(pointedly) I’m a mom, so you wouldn’t understand Alice.

Mark
Come on Mindy.

(small pause)

Alice

96
That was a mean thing to say to me.

Mindy
But it’s nice for you to call me deranged? (before Alice can answer, and with a laugh…)
Newsflash! This isn’t about us! This is Kelsey’s day, remember?
(Alice is quiet. Mindy raises her glass.)
So, to the happy couple… my advice: don’t ever go to bed angry because love is patient and
love is kind. And you’ll find, as you go through life, that “together” will be your favorite
place, and you will forever be each other’s always. Cheers!

Kelsey
Thanks Mom. So sweet!

Joleen
Ok, I’m crying now!

Rick
Thank you, Mrs. Nelson, I mean Mindy!

Mindy
I love you kids.

Chase
Powerful stuff.

Mark
(to Alice) Are you ok?

(Alice shrugs.)

Rick
Now the Best Man toast!

Joleen
It’ll be hard to top Mrs. Nelson! Everybody still have a drink?

Rick
If anybody can do it…right Chase?

Chase
Ok, man. Cool.

(He stands with his beer.)

Mindy
Wait, I think Dave could use another.

97

Joleen
Ok – hold your horses, Chase! (Joleen runs to the fridge.)

Chase
Come on, Joleen.

Joleen
Everybody needs a drink or it’s bad luck!

(She grabs a beer and brings it to Dave.)

Dave
Thank you kindly.

Joleen
Oh, you are so cute! (She squeezes his face.)

Chase
Are you done flitting around?
(Joleen sits and playfully pretends to zip her mouth.)
Keep it that way.
Ok, my toast. My Best Man Toast.
To the young couple…
There’s an old Irish saying my grandma used to have hanging up in her kitchen:
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be at your back.
May the sun shine on you face and the rain fall softly on your fields,
And - something something -
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Mindy
Aw!

Joleen
Sweet, hun! (Joleen does the zip motion again.)

Chase
But that’s not my Best Man Toast. That’s an Irish toast, and we all know what happened to
them, right? They starved to death until they dragged what was left of their skinny asses
across the ocean to come to this country. So, forget the Irish blessing, I’m gonna give you
the American blessing:
(raises his glass)
May you have dynamite to blast your own fucking road through the mountain.
May you generate your own wind to blow the other motherfuckers off the face of the earth.

98
May the sun burn your skin so it’s as tough as leather, and may the waters rise and drown
your enemies,
And then by the time we meet again, may you have killed God and be sitting right in his
mother fucking throne!
Cheers and happy wedding!

(Everyone laughs and toasts except for Mark and Alice.)

Mark
What the fuck was that?

Chase
It’s my toast. My American toast.

Joleen
Oh my god, Chase you are so funny!

Kelsey
Oh my god! I’m peeing!

Mindy
(laughing) Leave it to Chase!

Mark
Come on guys. What the fuck was that?

Alice
Relax, Mark.

Chase
Yeah, relax Mark. Put it on auto, why dontcha?
Let’s dance!

Mark
Wait, wait! I have a toast. I want to make a toast.

Alice
Mark.

Mark
(standing with beer raised)
Ok, here is my American toast!
May you travel through life, from sea to shining sea, past the purple waves of grain and
such, and as you travel, may you have a mind as open as those fields and a heart as
expansive as the skies above you. And, in the fashion of the best as-yet-unrealized ideals of

99
this country, may you love your fellow travelers and struggle to raise everyone up so that
we all can live in dignity and pursue our own idea of happiness.

Mindy
Aw, another sweet one!

Chase
(standing again)
For the groom,
As you go through life, my man, here is my wish for you:
May your wallet always be full of cash, may your gun always be loaded and ready, and may
your dick be hard as a rock!

(The group toasts and screams with laughter.)

Mark
(not giving up) Ok, ok – here’s mine for the groom:
May you be strong in your humility, may you have the wisdom to recognize charlatans
when you see them, and may you be confident enough not to need to need obvious phallus
compensations.

Alice
Mark, sit down.

Chase
Rick, I hope you live your life as a man, and not as a pussy whipped house husband.

Mark
Rick, may you reject false doctrines of strength and somehow, despite your current
influences, avoid becoming a ‘roid raged asshole with a dick shriveled to the size of a tater
tot.

Chase
Let’s do it, man. (Chase starts to undress.)

Mark
What the fuck are you doing?

Chase
You brought it up two times now. Obviously, you want to see it. Let’s compare.

Mark
What? Come on. Stop.

Chase

100
(aggressively undressing) You can bring up whose dick is bigger but you can’t follow
through?

Mark
I didn’t bring it up!

Rick
You did, man.

Joleen
Two times.

Chase
(He standing too close with no shirt and is unbelievably well-built.) You afraid?

Mark
Ok, I get it, you’re a big man with hours to spend primping at the gym! I’m impressed, ok?

Chase
Come on, man. Let’s see it.

Mark
This is crazy! No, I’m not pulling out my dick at Kelsey’s wedding, ok? Do you mind?

Mindy
You boys have both had too much to drink!

Mark
No, I haven’t had too much to drink!

Mindy
You know boys and their beer!

Mark
No, the dynamic here is that he’s an insane lunatic!

Chase
You too scared, pussy man?

Mark
Oh, fuck you. God this is so boring. We are like, back in the fucking cave-man times. You
grunt and then I grunt and then we pound on each other and whoever is the best at
pounding wins the day. That’s a great way to live. Let’s just pretend that the last thousand
years never happened.

Chase

101
I’m just honest.

Mark
No, you’re just a bully. You think you’re a strong man because you bully people, but
actually, it makes you a weak man.

Chase
I’m strong because I’m in control. I control the world because I know how it works and I
can change it as I want to. I don’t sit around in coffee shops scribbling away thinking of
things to say. I make things with my hands. I hit things with my fists. I fuck my wife. I take
up space and I’ll fight to win.

Mark
Well, I won’t fight you so I guess you can’t win with me. Too bad, man. Maybe you can
punch yourself, if it makes you feel better.

Chase
You already lost.

Mark
Whatever. Put on your pants.

Chase
(He is in his underwear and his near-nakedness is very aggressive.)
I see the future, man.
I’m a prophet.
I see the future and it’s the same as the past.
In the future, if you are soft and small and I am big and hard, then I win.
If you have arrows and I’ve got guns, then I win.
If you are sleeping and dreaming while I am planning and mobilizing, I win.
If you are stopping to pick someone out of the mud, and I’m pushing through alone, I win.
If you are born with one eye and I’ve got two, I fucking win.
If you sit and cry and I fight and bite, I win.
If you are different and I can isolate you, I win.
If you have doubt and I have confidence, I win.
If you try to be fair and I have one plan that I execute without exception, I win.
If you are weak and I am strong, then I motherfucking win every fucking time!

Mark
Fuck you, you pathetic dickhead. I reject you and your evil fucking ways.

Alice
Mark –

Chase
You don’t get to reject anything. You’re the loser. That’s the way the world works.

102

Mark
That’s not my world, ok? That’s not how it works in my world.

Chase
Grow up pussy. Look around.

Mark
My baby will not grow up in your world, you asshole!

Mindy
Baby?

Alice
Mark!

Mark
I’ll show my baby a kind world, a good world, where people work to understand each other
and support the weaker ones and celebrate differences and everything isn’t about how big
you fucking gun is!

Chase
Yeah? Then I feel sorry for your kid because someone like me will just come around and
fuck them or kill them.

(Mark suddenly leaps up and tries to tackle Chase. Chase quickly and easily overpowers
him.)

Chase
Is this you working to understand our differences, man?

Mark
You are a fucking small-brained, trailer trash waste of a human being.

Chase
(letting him go) As long as we understand each other.

(Loud music again and blackout.)

Scene 10
Mark and Alice are in their bedroom. Alice is tending to Mark’s bloody nose.

Mark
Ow!

103

Alice
Be still.

Mark
Ow, ow, ow!

Alice
Jesus Mark, just sit still!

Mark
That fucking cocksucker dickhead prick!

Alice
Ok, ok…

Mark
IS IT BROKEN?!

Lice
No! Be still!

Mark
It’s not?

Alice
I don’t think so.

Mark
YOU DON’T THINK SO OR IT’S NOT!?

Alice
It’s not! It’s not! Just calm down…

Mark
That dickhead cocksucker prick –

Alice
Yeah, you said that.

Mark
Well, it bares repeating. Did you see what he did to me?

Alice
Well…

104
 Mark
Well what?

Alice
You attacked him first.

Mark
Come on Alice! He’s a monster! He’s monstrous!

Alice
Can’t you just…

Mark
What?

Alice
Like when you got into that stupid fight with that girl from Facebook? Your cousin’s friend
or whatever? What good did it do?

Mark
Well Alice, she was a proudly ignorant racist –

Alice
And she still is, Mark. For three days you walked around hooked to your phone, getting all
righteous and breathlessly composing the perfect cutting response -

Mark
Breathlessly? God Alice, you make me sound so –

Alice
- and then breathlessly waiting for her reply –

Mark
We have to fight back with people like them, Alice –

Alice
-and what good did it do? Did anyone change or learn or grow?

Mark
- because if you say nothing then you’re silently agreeing –

Alice
It just became points on the board after a while.” Oooh, I got a point! Shit, you got a point!”
Stupid.

Mark

105
I disagree.

Alice
I really didn’t like what you just did.

Mark
I’m sorry I ruined the “wedding” give me a break –

Alice
No, not that. I didn’t like how you brought up our potential, the potential pregnancy as a
point on the board.

Mark
I didn’t do that.

Alice
“My baby…haha point won!” So gross.

Mark
I wasn’t scoring a point! I meant it! I mean it!

Alice
“My baby…” I mean, there isn’t even a baby. “My unimplanted zygote!”

Mark
I know that. I just meant, in theory…

Alice
It was gross, Mark. I really, really didn’t like it.

(pause)

Mark
I’m sorry.

Alice
It’s not a game or a contest. Or, like, a plot point.

Mark
Ok, that’s not cool Alice. I know it’s not a plot point. What a shitty thing to say.

Alice
I’m so depressed.

Mark
Don’t be. Don’t be.

106

Alice
Aren’t you? I mean, human beings – a lost cause.

Mark
Well, don’t make this about everything. Just this group of people –

Alice
It is about everything.

Mark
-a very particular group of insane people -

Alice
I don’t think we should go through with it.

Mark
Alice.

Alice
Think about it Mark.

Mark
Ok listen, I’m sorry that your sister is so… I mean, I’m sorry about that.

Alice
She wasn’t always crazy.

Mark
Well, wasn’t she? I mean, she was never that obviously crazy, sure, but –

Alice
She wasn’t. She was just regular. She was annoying and also was funny and liked silly tv
shows and French Bread pizza and volunteered all day and night after the hurricane and
told long rambling pointless stories that you had to listen to and would send me banana
bread my first year in college when I was so lonely. She was just regular. But like regular
good, on the good side. So, what happened?

Mark
She must’ve had a seed. A seed of crazy in there.

Alice
No, she didn’t.

Mark
Come on Alice…

107

Alice
She didn’t! You want to think she did because then you can dismiss it – “it was always
gonna happen cause she was just that kind of person, I guess” – but I’m telling you she
wasn’t. She was a regular person.

Mark
So what, then?

Alice
So, she got hurt, you know, by life. And by me, I guess. She’s right, about the whooshing.

Mark
The whooshing?

Alice
She had to do everything alone, and she got hurt. And then that made her susceptible.

Mark
Ok, so then she got brainwashed.

Alice
More like poisoned. Poisoned by America.

Mark
Ok, now who’s breathless?

Alice
The celebration of the trivial, the constant distraction, the endless acquisition, the
idolization of ignorance, the venal cruelty – this country is poison.
And I don’t think I can go through with it, Mark.

Mark
What do you mean?

Alice
I’m not…I’m not going to do it.

Mark
Wait a minute Alice, wait a minute… think for a minute now. This is what we’ve wanted,
what we’ve been hoping for, dreaming about –

Alice
I know –

Mark

108
-paying a ton of money for –

Alice
Ew Mark, come on –

Mark
I don’t mean, I only mean in so far as money indicates what’s important to you, only in that
it indicates how invested we’ve been –

Alice
Come on, Mark –

Mark
And we are invested! I’m invested! I mean, I’m really invested here.

Alice
I don’t want to do it. I don’t want a baby.

Mark
What about me? What about what I want?

Alice
I’m sorry.

Mark
What? That’s it? No! You don’t get to just decide that –

Alice
I don’t?

Mark
I want it Alice! And we’re gonna stick to the plan, cause I want it!

Alice
Listen to yourself, Mark.

Mark
So, you get to be all righteous and make your big statement about America, but you’re still
working at Bayner and conniving all day to make people insecure about their bad breath –

Alice
Conniving?

Mark
-conniving, yes, how else would you put it? -in order to manipulate people into buying a
bunch of crap they don’t need that they later toss into the landfill?

109

Alice
Is that supposed to make me change my mind?

Mark
I’m just saying, you’re gonna draw the line here? It makes me think…

Alice
What?

Mark
Did you ever really want it at all?

Alice
Of course I did. (Mark looks at her.) I did! But things change.

Mark
What? What has changed?

Alice
Maybe we can, you know, after a while, maybe we can think about adopting –

Mark
I want this, Alice.

Alice
-maybe an older kid, something like that –

Mark
I want this! I want it! I want my own baby!

Alice
Jesus, you make it sound like an iPhone.

Mark
Fuck you really, Alice.

Alice
It’s not another thing to have, Mark. It’s not like that.

Mark
I know that Alice! And ok, maybe you’re right in that –

Alice
I am right.

110
 Mark
- IN THAT it’s irrational to want this –

Alice
It’s selfish.

Mark
Ok selfish. It’s selfish maybe, ok. Maybe it’s selfish to go after what we want just because
we want it. But believe me, that’s what they’re doing.

Alice
They?

Mark
Others. Those others. So, they just do what they want while we quietly feel guilty? And
then they fill the world with their horrible…

Alice
Go on.

Mark
Ok, maybe we’re just as bad, maybe! Maybe we just go after what we want despite the
consequences, just like they do. Still, I want to have a baby. My own baby.

Alice
I don’t know.

Mark
Maybe that baby, our particular baby, will be the one who comes and changes the world for
the better.

Alice
That sounds like the kind of line we’d use to sell Volvos.

Mark
Don’t give up, Alice. I love you. I love you so much. And I love our little baby, just so, so
much already. I know it’s not logical and maybe not even right, but…the heart wants what
it wants…who said that? The heart wants what it wants?

Alice
It was Woody Allen.

Mark
Ok forget that then!
Maybe we can change. Or we can bring a new little person here, a little bit you and a little
bit me, the best parts of us maybe, and that can be a beginning of something wonderful.

111
Just, it’s…I don’t know…it’s just hope. That’s what it is. Hope.

Alice
Hope.

Mark
I’m just bursting with hope, Alice.
That’s American too, right?

Scene 11

(The sun is coming up on an empty living room, the mess and trash from the party
everywhere. Alice comes in and half-heartedly piles some of the paper plates and bottles
on the trash can. After a bit, she sits on the couch and starts to cry. Suddenly, Dave speaks
from a dark corner of the room.)

Dave
Can’t sleep?

Alice
You scared me. I thought there was nobody here.

Dave
Almost nobody.
Can’t sleep?

Alice
No.

Dave
Where’s your husband?

Alice
He can always sleep.

Dave
You awake because of the baby? I’m sorry, I heard him say it before.

Alice
Well, yes. But no, I mean, I’m not pregnant.

Dave

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Oh?

Alice
But there is a baby, or, I guess, the possibility of one. And that possibility is making it hard
for me to sleep.

Dave
Alright?

Alice
It’s confusing, but anyway, Mark shouldn’t’ve said anything.

Dave
He seemed pretty hot under the collar.

Alice
So stupid. Don’t get me wrong, Chase is a major asshole and I get why Mark was mad, but
in the end, it turned into two men just bucking up together like elks with their antlers, but
with way less dignity than that.

Dave
Weddings can bring up a lot of stuff.

Alice
Well, I guess so, but I would hardly call this a wedding.

Dave
What do you mean?

Alice
I’m sorry, forget it. It’s your son’s choice and who am I to say?

Dave
Go ahead and tell me.

Alice
Well, this whole thing, whatever it is, is making me sad. Weddings, they’re supposed to give
everyone a feeling of community, right? In the face of everything – war, cruelty, illness and,
you know, inevitable death, we all stop and watch two people declare that they love each
other. But this thing, in this gaudy house that doesn’t belong to anybody, no minister – I
mean, I’m not a god person, but was there even a wedding? All I remember was taking the
pictures! Like, instead of a wedding we just had an Instagram post! Everything feels dark
and broken. Mark says we have to have hope. But isn’t it our responsibility to see clearly,
even if we don’t like what we see? I mean, we’re the grown-ups now, right?
I don’t know.
Anyway, I shouldn’t’ve unloaded all that on you.

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Dave
When I was eighteen, I was in the Quang Ngai province toward the end of the war. By that
time everybody knew we had lost so the goal was just to take as many Viet Cong down with
us as we could. Or maybe it was just to take as much of everything down with us as we
could. You know, make a good show of it. My commander was this kid named Thick – that
wasn’t his real name, of course, but everybody called him that, I don’t know why. He was
from Indiana, but by the time I met him he was all jungle boy and that kid from Indiana was
gone, gone, gone. I was scared this one day cause I’d just seen this boy blown into bits right
in front of me and I was like, “I want my mommie,” and Thick put his scrawny face right up
to mine and said, “Have you ever wanted to be a god?” Well, that got my attention mighty
quick. I had never wanted anything, except maybe to be second baseman for the Dodgers
or to put my hand in Betty Gillmore’s bra, you know, that kind of thing, and here was this
jungle boy asking me if I wanted to be a god? “Ok, maybe.” So, I watched him, right? And
after a while I saw Thick’s secret, what he was getting at, which was to take a knife and cut
all ties. That village girl is not your sister. Your sister is not your sister. She is cut loose
from you, spinning off into space. And once you do it with one girl and you see that her
blasted off face has nothing to do with you, then soon you can do it with everything -
women, children, animals, the earth itself. You are separate from it all, and then you are a
god.

Alice
Why are you telling me this?

Dave
(chuckles) I don’t know why. Well, you said you were sad, so…
I’m sorry you don’t like the house. My boss thought it would be a treat for them.

Alice
Your boss? This is your boss’s house?

Dave
Well, yeah. You didn’t know that? He doesn’t live here, of course, he’s in Manilla or in
Negombo or right now I think he’s in Chelyabinsk. He moves around, I can barely keep
track.

Alice
What is it that you do?

Dave
Oh, I’m nobody. I just administer. It’s not that hard, but it is time consuming, so you have
to have a lot of patience. Which I have.

Alice
Administer what?

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 Dave
The site. It’s kind of an interesting job, if you’re a student of human nature. If you like
looking under rocks. My boss is the real brains behind it all, I just keep everything
operating smoothly. And I believe in free speech, so that’s as far as I have to think. My boss
is different, though, he has an agenda, but I don’t have to concern myself with that in any
way. I just watch what comes down the pike, as it were, and keep the channels open.

Alice
What is this site?

Dave
Oh, people call it different things so that gets a little confusing. It would be easier if we
could all just agree, right? (laughs) Of course my boss would say different. He wants to keep
everyone on their own separate tracks, you know? Preserve the membrane. It’s easy
enough because everyone thinks they’re right anyway, so you just got to let them keep
thinking that. Like your sister, oh those people are so sure they’re right! (laughs) And
they’re pretty creative about it! I drop in sometimes to read what they’re saying, just for
fun. I like it when the alien people join up with the Jesus folks, interesting combination.
Excellent cognitive dissonance! They’ve found a way to connect Pontius Pilate to the crop
circles to Elon Musk. It’s incredible. And Chase, oh he’s amazing. He’s the perfect
culmination of all this. All the fertilizer has been carefully spread for years and years and
out of it grows Chase – the perfect bloom. And boy do they think they’re right! All those
Undertruthers! But a lot of those threads are run by Bayner, so you probably know all
about that.

Alice
Bayner? My company Bayner?

Dave
Or maybe you don’t! (laughs) I’m always amazed how well the membrane holds up! The left
hand doesn’t know what the right hand is up to. Of course, that is the goal.

Alice
(defensive) Bayner doesn’t have anything to do with all that.

Dave
(laughs and shrugs) Ok sure.

Alice
Are you saying, are you claiming that someone, your boss in Manilla or wherever, is
controlling everything?

Dave
No! (laughs) No, no, no! No one is controlling anything! No, no! That’s impossible. For my
boss, it’s just chaos. Not making chaos, just, you know, maintaining it - so everybody is
distracted and then, you know…

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Alice
What?

Dave
Then he’s free.
He’s god, then.

Alice
God of what? A ruined world?

Dave
Whatever. He’s not that particular, I don’t think.

Alice
Do you feel good about yourself, about what you do?

Dave
(laughs) Ok.

Alice
You and your “boss” – whoever the fuck that is – are just breaking everything, smashing
everything up. Is that what you want to do, to destroy everything so that Rick and Kelsey’s
future kid has to live in a broken world? You’re awful. And your boss must be a
psychopath, a nihilist. Well, fuck you both, ok? You don’t get to win. There are enough
people out there who want to live in a whole world, a sane world, not these nightmare
fragments, these…shards of a world. I’m not going to let you ruin everything, ok?

Dave
Ok, ok…

Alice
Somehow, I’m going to stop you, to shine a bright light on you somehow. So bright that
everyone will stop being distracted and they will have to look. And they’ll see what’s going
on and they’ll wake up.

Dave
Wow, I appreciate your passion.

Alice
Fuck you man.

Dave
You know, there’s a thread you can hop onto – you should check it out. They sound a lot
like you just did, very confident. They started to get pretty big there for a minute, but then I
think some union folks were fighting with some environmentalists, or maybe it was some

116
human rights people, or like the feminists attacking the trans folks, I don’t know I can’t
keep it all straight – so now they’re splitting up into… what was that great word you used?
Fragments? But you could join up with one of the fragments. I know you’ll find people who
agree with you. So that’s nice. That always feels good, right? To be agreed with?
(Dave smiles at Alice and she looks at him with horror.)
About that other thing, you want my advice?
(Alice is quiet.)
Have your baby. Have fun.
Just know you’re right, and enjoy it.
(winks at her) Cause…might as well, you know?

Alice
(scared) We’re leaving.

Dave
Oh no, but we’ve got the house for one more night.

Alice
We’re leaving right now.

Dave
Oh, are you? That’s too bad.
But be careful.

Alice
What do you mean?

Dave
Don’t take Mission Road.

Alice
Why?

Dave
It’s closed.
Now that I think of it, you might be leaving too late.

Alice
Too late?

Dave
Oh, everything’s on fire.


Blackout.
End of play.

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