NO REFUNDS FOR TIME WASTED

By

Luke Ackroyd

Prompt: Write a trash script without thinking about it.

INT. BUSINESS MEETING ROOM - BUSINESS-O-CLOCK
BUSINESS CAT (A cat, in a business tie and top hat) spins
around dramatically in his office chair.

BUSINESS CAT
I assume you know why I summoned
you all here today?
Producer DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES, Writer PATRICK FEDORA and
Director STEEL turn to one another. They nod. They
understand. They share smug grins.
BUSINESS CAT
So you understand your
assignment?

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

.... No.
Business cat does not look amused.

INT. THE CREATIVE ZONE - DAY

Notes scattered across the ground. Patrick is admiring a
notebook. Darren is nearby doing ’the maths’ furiously on
his calculator. He stops. looks up.

On the other side of the room a silhouette shifts...

A LOUD SCREAM!
STEEL races towards them, falls to his knees. Grabs his
head.
STEEL
VISION!
PATRICK FEDORA
No. Not again! Please-
Steel lunges for Patrick, grabbing his hand to write
’through’ him. Wide eyed, crazed look, both screaming the
entire time.

He stops. Breathless. Dramatic pause. Silence.

STEEL
Do you see? DO. YOU. SEE?!
Steel and Patrick lock eyes.

PATRICK FEDORA
I... I see.
Darren peers over their shoulder, at the SCRIBBLED MESS on
the pages.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

What does it mean?
Steel grabs him, pulls him close. Too close.

STEEL
It doesn’t have to mean anything.
He turns away, dramatically over his shoulder.
STEEL
It’s... Art...
CUT TO:
Patrick slams a bulky SCRIPT down onto Steel’s desk.

PATRICK FEDORA
(Whispering in Steel’s ear)
It’s done. I licked every page to
give a taste of my writing style.

Steel scoffs, flicking through the pages, barely

acknowledging it.
STEEL
This? This is merely a stepping
stone across the never ending
lake of my creative vision.
He tosses it over his shoulder, it snacks into Darren’s
face. He grasps the script, and glares at the cover
intensely.

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

THIS.
His skin turning red. Hands trembling, holding the script
tight.

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

ISN’T
The script pages melt in his angry grasp.
DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES
FEASIBLE!
Patrick looks horrified as his script melts into a puddle
beneath Darren. Darren takes a step towards him, pure rage
in his eyes.

PATRICK FEDORA
I- I can re-write. I can start
again.
Darren shakes his head in disapproval.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

There’s no time.
Steel stands between the two.

STEEL
My vision doesn’t acknowledge the
passage of time. Forget the
script. Get me a camera. That’s
all I need.

Darren looks unsure. He glances at his calculator, peering

into it’s soul. Equations start to form around his head,
as he gets lost in deep thought.
The other two wait, not daring to take a breath.

A number appears on the calculator. Darren chuckles to

himself.
DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES
Now, that’s feasible.

INT. FILM SET - DAY

Patrick is now standing dramatically before the camera,
admiring his own reflection in the lens.

PATRICK FEDORA
I see now.. this- is where I
belong. On the stage!

Steel rolls his eyes from his director chair, leans over
to Darren.
STEEL
Are you sure, we can’t hire a
professional actor?

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

Not in the budget.
STEEL
I haven’t even seen this budge-

DARREN ’DANGER’ DAVIES

Not. In. The. Budget.
Steel nods, he spins back to behind the camera.

STEEL
AND ACTION....
 4.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - SUNRISE

Patrick stares off into the distance. Wind blowing his
scarf. He stares into the sunrise, until his eyes start to
water from the brightness.
PATRICK FEDORA (V/O)
Its times like these, when you
realise the importance of life.
Life- is like a way of living.
You hear about true stories. But-
true stories happen all the time.
What is a true story, if not a
story that is true? I’ve learnt a
lot. I’ve forgotten more. But at
the end of the day, the sun sets
on reality and you have to accept
that...
He shakes his head, laughs.
PATRICK FEDORA (V/O)
Time for me to go. But remember.
Video piracy is a crime.
He begins wandering off into the distance.

Text appears above him: YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING A ’STEEL’

MOVIE

INT. BUSINESS MEETING ROOM - BUSINESS-O-CLOCK

The credits roll on the film.

Business cat’s paw presses on the remote, turning off the
screen.
Darren, Steel and Patrick wait eagerly for his response.

Business cat has a stern look on his face.

BUSINESS CAT
I asked you to create a simple
advert for my business and you...
made this.
The creators all nod in unison.
BUSINESS CAT
That is all I have to say on the
matter. Please leave. I have very
important business related
business to be getting on with.
The trio leave. A single tear trickling down Steel’s
cheek. He turns and takes one last look at Business cat.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

Business cat shakes his head, disappointed.

THE END OF THIS TRASH SCRIPT