my cycle of hell

Welcome to my life
I just drove about 15 minutes to go to the gym
I pull into a spot, and park the car
Just go inside, don’t even think
I want it
I know nobody wants it as bad as me
The rush
The endorphins
The results
I know this is my way out of a hole I dug way too deep
You are fine, perfectly healthy and perfectly capable
It never works
Just go the fuck inside Anna
Just go
The thoughts flood my brain, it’s too late
I was thinking way before I even left my house
Did I eat enough first?
Did I hydrate enough?
Did I get enough sleep, I’m kind of tired?
Oh, shit I’m tired, am I about to pass out?
What if I go inside and I overwork myself, and then I pass out in front of everyone?
No, no I can’t workout not today, just not today
I need to listen to my body; I don’t have the energy to do it today
Yeah just go back home, where you are safe
My body’s telling me that, right?
I’m not ok, right?
My hands start shaking and my heart’s racing
Trying to catch my breath, I can’t get a grip of what’s real and what’s not
How can I tell what I’m feeling is real, or just a product of my thoughts?
And when the hell did going to the gym become so hard?
just not here
home is a funny thing
it’s like water.
solid, liquid, or ice
one isn’t any less true than then the other
is it the place you’ve grown
or is it simply just a state of mind
see, for me I see both.
I look at my house
My town
My family
My friends
My lessons
My losses
My victories
Everything I’ve ever come to know about this life I call my own
And surely, I see it as home.
In the physical sense.
Something that will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter where I go
I love the city, the vibes, the nightlife
And even surprisingly, the restless people on the subway rides
I don’t know why, but I can’t shake the feeling of this not being my home.
I try to make sense of it all.
It’s like having all the ingredients to make a cake,
But you can’t find the measuring spoons.
I have everything here
Everything that makes up a home
Everything I was so content with before
And then suddenly this thought starts to dawn on me.
Maybe its just my young soul longing for adventure, far beyond what I know
Too afraid of commitment to this one country, with seeing what else the world has to offer
But when I tell my friends I get looked at as if I just pushed an elderly woman down the stairs
“like a vacation, right?”
No like home,
The feeling of home.
the breath of fresh air that relieves the stresses from your life
because you know you’re home
exactly where you’re supposed to be
I love the city, but I want to know more than just the city.
New York City
You’ll have anything you want at your fingertips
The city where dreams come true.
But the city that I dream of, just isn’t you.
mosaic
One day you’ll wake up and it’ll all be over.
You’ll wake up and you’ll have had enough
You’ll wake up and realize that everything you’ve ever needed, you’ve always had.
You’ll be too tired to check their socials
Too tired to see what they’ve been up too
Who they’ve been seeing
What party they went to
It’ll all, in time, be enough
You’ll have enough of the heartache
The disappointment
The unmet expectations
Eventually you’ll have to take the blame for hurting yourself
Realize that loving them harder will not make them change
They won’t come back, and you’ll be tired of waiting
That holding on to a pulling rope, will only give you rope burn
And you’ll let go
The part that will hurt the most
Then the next part of your life will begin
The part where the disappointment is replaced with excitement for new adventure
And expectations are surpassed
And you’ll recognize the love that you searched for is in front of you
In your friends
Family
And most importantly
Yourself
But you have to break to go on to the next part of your life
It’s a blessing in disguise
You will thrive from the pain
Grow and learn all about yourself
You will take the broken pieces,
And make a mosaic.