Script

Guide to Turning 50

Narrator
“So… you’re approaching 50 and you can’t remember what you had
for dinner last night, let alone all your kids’ birthdays….
When is your wife’s again? (gulp)”
 

“For as long as humans have been around, men have been going
through midlife crises and buying expensive cars behind their
ladies’ backs to prove that they are still young and cool and
successful. Ok… maybe not that long. But the point still
stands. Reaching your half century milestone is an
accomplishment- you didn’t succumb to alcohol poisoning in
your teens and twenties and you decided it would be best not
to chance curing your hangover with those random pills you
found in the back of your cupboard.”
 
“Congratulations! You’ve made it. And to reward your hard work
of avoiding stupid decisions for 49 years and 364 days… we
have awarded you with bad memory, extra hair in your ears and
nose, loss of hair on your head, weight gain and wrinkles. But
don’t worry, that’s only the physical benefits. Sex will
become disappointing… (for your partner) and won’t be able to
eat all your favourite food like you used to, as your body
will now hate you.”
 
“Like playing active sports like rugby and football? Nope, not
anymore. Golf and bowls will be the one for you, as you over
exert yourself with the stairs in your own home now! Only
stationary sports for you my friend. And ladies, please don’t
think that you’re missing out- remember your greatest asset…
sss. Yeah, those three kids you had kindaaa ruined your sex
appeal. It’s ok though, you’ve got your husband tied down
anyway, who, as you know is great in bed- …ah, ok. Maybe not.
But at least with retirement in sight, you'll have more time
to spend with your pets!
 
“Ok, not the good news you wanted to hear. I’m done taking
this piss now anyway.”
 
“In case I’ve scared you, there are some actual positives of
reaching, near on(sarcastic spooky voice) ‘oldddd ageeee’. So,
here’s some things to consider. Approaching retirement just
means more time for activities, kids, grankids and pets.
Surely because you’re retiring you feel rewarded from your
career that you’re going to leave behind. You’ve sent your
kids off into the world! It’s not all down to their teachers
and probation officers (whispers sarcastically and
supportively) that’s you too buddy!