MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi Have you ever had a psychic reading? You know when they come to you and they say,
“You’re really enthusiastic around certain types of people. But other times, you just
want to be by yourself.” That’s called a Barnum statement. And it’s something that
can be true for anyone. Sometimes you’re A, but other times, you’re B. And you’re
like, “Yes. Yes, I am. How did you see inside my soul?” But I think with being shy,
that can be very true. See, all of us have a certain area of our lives where we’re really
comfortable. Maybe it’s around our family or our small, close group of friends, but
when we’re there, we feel totally at home, totally at ease. We can tell long stories, we
can make people laugh. They’re interested and they lean in to listen to us.

But what about all those other times? Those times where we’re not really sure what
to say. Where we clam up. Where it’s almost like if someone were to see us in this
situation, they wouldn’t say, “Oh, what a really talkative interesting person.” They
would say, “She’s nice, but she’s quiet.” Maybe it happens when we get into a group
of people we don’t know. Or we sit down next to an attractive guy or an attractive
woman and we don’t know what to say. For some of us, we’ve been to an event. In fact,
I’ll tell you about something that happened to me. I went to a conference, another
friend of mine was there. He’s great at talking to people he doesn’t know. I, at this
time, wasn’t that great. And so what did I do? Instead of going up and meeting up
all these people who had the same interests I did, I pulled out my phone, went to the
side of the room and just checked e-mail. Now, looking back years later, was that the
right thing to do? No, of course not. I could have met the most interesting people of
my life there. But it was easy and it was comfortable. It was safe.

What we want to talk about today is how to overcome this inertia of letting shyness
define us. Of saying, “I’m just shy. I can’t talk to people like that.” In fact, we all can.
It just takes a little bit of practice. And I want to start by rewinding back to Halloween
during high school. See, as all of us do, I had invisible scripts. Scripts that defined
who I was. “I’m not the kind of person who’s in student council. I’m not a cool jock
athlete. I’m this. I’m that.” And what happened was during Halloween, we put on
this Halloween haunted house. And for the haunted house, I had to put on a mask.
It was really interesting to observe myself in the way I started to act. So I had a full
mask, you could not see who I was, and a full cape and all this stuff. I started acting
crazy. I was running around, I was scaring people. I was doing all these things that
I would never do if it were just me wearing normal clothes. Why? Because I felt safe

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 1 of 6
 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi behind the mask.

(cont.)
And years later, as I started to try to improve my social skills, I realized the benefit
of what I had accidentally learned wearing that mask. See, that mask gave me the
safety and security to try different things that I normally would have never tried.
And it took me years to figure that out. So what did I do? I realized that I didn’t have
to change who I was. I could simply change the way I acted. Or as I’ve always said,
“Behavior first, then attitude.” In other words, I found a way to change my behavior.
I started acting crazy. I loved it. I felt unleashed or free. And later, my attitude
came to reflect that. I actually felt free, even without my mask. That’s why I want
to introduce this concept called “The Invisibility Cloak.” And it’s almost like you’re
wearing a cloak that allows you to be invisible, or cover up certain parts of you, and
you could use it whenever you want.

Now, it’d probably be a little weird if you were to walk around with that crazy
Halloween mask I had into a Starbucks and say, “Greetings, how was your day?” Not
going to go well. But what if, mentally, you can apply this same procedure? I know
you can because I do it myself. If I go to a conference now, I’ll put on my cloak which
says, “Who am I going to be today? What is my behavior going to reflect?” And that
is, I want to be a really gregarious, friendly, outgoing guy. I’m not changing who I
am on the inside to be inauthentic. I’m just changing my behavior. And I’m going to
go up to people because that’s the kind of person I am. I’m going to go up to people
and say, “Hello, how are you? What brought you here?” And over time, my attitude
will come to match my behavior.

So the metaphor here is to take all those barriers. All those anxieties. All the
nervousness you have inside. Just cover it up with that cape. It seems like a weird
concept, but it worked remarkably well for me. You see, everyone feels the same
thing. They walk into a crowd of people they don’t know. Everyone feels nervous,
everyone there. But some people choose to act differently. That’s what this will let
you do. And I’m going to show you exactly how to apply it right now.

See, one of the things I do is to try to make it a game. Try to make this fun instead
of, “Oh, my God. What is the technical thing I should be doing? What’s the phrase?
What’s the smile? What’s the tenor of my voice?” No. The first thing you do is to
make it a game. This is fun. We’re going to try these different things and we’re going

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 2 of 6
 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi to see what happens. I’m going to give you my specific recommendations on how to
(cont.) make this a game. And then you’re going to put them into practice in short order.

So number one is called the “60 Seconds Game.” It’s very simple. Within 60 seconds
of going into an event, a coffee shop, anywhere, you’re going to go up and say “Hello”
to someone. If you decide later you’re done using “Hello” and you’re using a different
phrase, awesome. That’s up to you. But the game is 60 seconds. Within 60 seconds,
before your anxiety can get the best of you, you’re going to walk in and you’re going
to introduce yourself.

The next game is called the “Compliments Game.” You do this three times within
24 hours, very simple. You just go up and give someone a compliment. “I really like
your sweater.” “Wow, I really like how fast you made that coffee. I’ve never had it
delivered that fast to me.” Whatever the compliment may be, that’s it. “I really like
X.” Don’t ask for anything more, we’re not trying to play the dating game here. It’s
really simple, the “Compliments game.” Three times in 24 hours.

And finally, the “Phone Game.” You see someone using a phone, or you see someone
reading a book, you say, “What kind of phone is that? I’ve been thinking about
switching for a long time.” “What book are you reading? I’m looking for something
good to read.” Three times in 24 hours. Very simple. Make it fun, make it light, try
it out.

The next technique is called “Fake it till you make it.” Now, I want you to think
about what kind of person you want to be perceived as. Do you want to be the really
friendly guy who’s got everyone roaring and laughing? Do you want to be the quiet,
thoughtful person who everyone is listening to intently, but you don’t speak that
much? Do you want to have people feel really emotionally connected to you? Whatever
you decide, I want you to fake it till you make it. Now, what does that mean? You can
try using this technique in a really safe, protected space. For me, it was always one
on one. It was always where there was no one I knew around. And probably no one
I would ever see again. So let’s say you’re in a coffee shop off the freeway. You’re on
a road trip in some town you’re never going to go back to, great. Whatever it may
be. It could be a little drug store you walk in to. You fake it till you make it. You say,
“You know what? I want to be really emotionally connected to people.”

So, as you start talking to this person, you might say, “You know, what made you

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 3 of 6
 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi choose this job over any other job? I’m so curious about people’s lives.” And that’s
(cont.) going to open up a very different type of discussion than, “Listen to this crazy thing
that just happened to me two days ago.” Very different. Now, this may seem odd. But
I want to show you how much it works. See, let’s take a look at people who started
off pretty awkward. They certainly weren’t comfortable in their own skin. And years
later, not only did their behavior change, but their attitude changed as well.

One example, Jimmy Fallon. Famous comedian. When he started off, he was pretty
awkward. And yet, over years, and years, over 15 years, he became much more
comfortable. Now, does he still have some of the same anxieties he had when he
first started? Probably. But if you watch him, you can actually see how comfortable
he is. How much fun he’s having just in these videos.

Male Speaker Four, three, two.

Jimmy Fallon Here are some celebrity impressions. This is a celebrity walkathon.

“She’s excellent, guy. I’m like, “Why isn’t this a dance-a-thon?” I mean, it’s like, walk-
a-thon. Why can’t you make it both like a dance and a walk-a-thon? A-huh-huh. Ugh.

“And that’s what I think for celebrity impressions. I have this one guy called, “Did
you ever see a guy?” And it’s also called “Colin Queen.” A-huh-huh.

“This is an original character, his name is David Nicholls, he’s a British TV show
host and his show is all about “Why the UK is better than the US?” ‘Hello, I’m David
Nicholls, and welcome to Tea Time with David Nicholls.’

“And then this guy is a wannabe composer, and what he does is when the radio is on he
composes the songs, pretending he’s a composer. But then when people leave, I mean,
when people come into the room he acts like he’s not doing anything. That’s it, man.

“I also do a lot of musical impressions but I’m going to make them short for you.
Seeing there’s a lot of people. So here’s a… I’ll just do some things.”

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 4 of 6
 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi You see, if you talk to people, especially people who do this for a living, they’re
professional speakers, they’re instructors, they’re teachers, and you say, “Were you
always this good?” Most of them will tell you, “No.” They’ll say, “I was petrified. But
I practiced and I showed up. And now, I actually enjoy it.”

Now, at this point, it can be hard to believe that one day, you’ll actually enjoy crafting
the perfect conversation. But you will. We start with behavior and we let attitude
follow. So that’s the second technique. “Fake it till you make it.”

Number three, “The 3X rejection rule.” Now, many of you have heard about my story,
about how many failures I go through in order to find some kind of success. In fact, in
my Gmail account, I have a “Failures” tag. And if I’m not getting at least ten failures
a month, that means I’m not trying enough. So a failure for me could be reaching
out to someone trying to get a meeting and they said, “No, I don’t want to meet
you.” It could be anything.” But ten failures a month. I’m not even avoiding failure.
I’m actively seeking it because it means I’m trying new things. And the same is true
for you. You know how we have these things we call “self-talk?” Like, “There’s no
way anyone would ever laugh at these stories, I’m not a good storyteller. There’s no
way they would be interested in me, why would anyone listen to me?” We call that
“self-talk.” We talk about ourselves to ourselves. And over time, we come to define
ourselves. The 3X rejection rule says, “You are not even going to allow self-talk to
happen until you get rejected three times.”

So what does that mean in practical terms? It means you can go up to someone and
say, “Hi, how are you today?” And if they say, “Eh,” that counts as rejection one.
That would not be good. But what’s the worst that can happen? Nothing. You try
it again. And if someone is going to say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?” Perfect. You
learn something from that. It’s not a failure, it’s a test. So you try it again. This time,
you try it with a smile. “Hi, how are you? I’m Ramit. Nice to meet you.” “Oh, hi. I’m
Jane. Great to meet you.” “Oh, what brings you here.” Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You
see, that’s not a failure. That’s a great sign. Someone engaged with you. You don’t
allow self-talk to happen until you’ve been rejected three times. And at that point, I
give you permission to say as many horrible, negative things about yourself as you
want to. But until then, you’re not allowed.

I use this very rule because I would get down on myself, too. “Oh, I’m just kind of

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 5 of 6
 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

How to Get Over Being Shy

Ramit Sethi awkward. I’ll never be as smooth as that guy at work,” etc. And it crippled me. I told
(cont.) you I used to use phrases like, “Oh, I’m just the skinny Indian guy.” That’s self-talk.
Had I put that aside and said, “I’m going to try. I’m going to try enough times that
I’m actually going to get rejected.” I would have learned so much faster, had I become
more socially skilled.

So those are the three techniques. You have them at your disposal. Your action step
for today? Pick one technique and apply it this week. Get really practical, too. Put
this on your calendar and remind yourself, “Today, I’m going to talk to three people.”
Like don’t just hope for it to happen. Make sure it happens by integrating it into
your own systems. You can even go a step further if you want. Some people reward
themselves. They say, “You know, I’m going to by myself that ice cream or that nice
shirt if I follow through with week one. And if I don’t follow through, I’m going to
donate to a charity I don’t support.” Whatever it may be. These are ways you can
force yourself to be even more compliant with this fun game.

So pick a technique, apply it this week and remember, The 3X rejection rule says,
“Don’t get down on yourself. You’re going to learn, you’re going to get rejected, you’re
going to fail,” but it’s not a failure. Every time we do this, it’s just a test. Stay tuned
and let me know what you find out from applying one of these techniques this week.

H OW T O G E T OV E R B E I N G S H Y h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 6 of 6