MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

Master the Art of Talking to

Anyone, Anytime
Ramit Sethi I have a friend who is amazing at talking to anyone. I was walking with him the other
weekend, we were out in New York. We’re walking and we decided to get some coffee.
So we stopped by a coffee shop. Now, normally when I go into a coffee shop, I just
walk in and say, “Hello, I’ll have this. Thank you.” And then I go to get my coffee.
I watched this guy in amazement as within 30 to 40 seconds, he has three or four
people cracking up. So he walks in and he goes, “What’s good today?” I’m looking
at him like, “Whoa.” And the lady kind of cracks a smile behind the counter and she
says, “Everything is good.” He goes, “Everything is not good. Tell me the truth.” He’s
kind of teasing her a little bit. She says, “Well, this is good and that’s good.” He says,
“No, what would you get if you could get anything here?” And at this point, the way
he’s doing with so much energy. She’s got a smile like huge. She’s not smiling like
that because that’s really creepy, but she’s smiling and she loves it. And I’m watching
this and I’m saying, “I can’t believe this.”

So what did I learn? I learned a couple of insights just from this 30-second example.
Number one, I learned he’s just saying normal things. He’s not using any advanced
jokes. He’s not planning these jokes out. He’s just talking but he has a lot of energy.
And, number two, as I was watching I realized something else. She, the cashier
behind the counter, loves this. She is loving it. Why? Because for eight hours a day,
she stands behind that counter and people come in and say the same thing, “I’ll have
a medium black coffee.” “ Medium black coffee.” And she finally got someone who
broke up the monotony, who made her smile just a little bit. She loves it. In a way,
he’s actually doing her a favor by brightening her day and by being memorable. This
is the same thing that’s true for you when you are socially skilled. Yes, it’s great for
you but it’s also great for the person you’re talking to. You are doing them a great
service by being entertaining, by being authentic, and by being memorable.

So I want to introduce a concept called the Perfect Words. What are the perfect
words? What should you say to someone when you go out to them? What’s the
secret code you can use to get them to fall in love with you? Oh, if only there were
such a thing. But, actually. the truth is there are no perfect words. I could give you
the best script I’ve ever created for making friends or for getting people to like you
and it wouldn’t matter because if you don’t have all these other elements of your
conversational repertoire working then the words don’t mean a thing. Here, let me
give you an example. Let’s take the same phrase my friend used and let’s try to

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 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

Master the Art of Talking to

Anyone, Anytime
replicate it like a creep. Let’s say I walk up and I say, “What’s good here?” She’s like,
“Hmm, everything is good.” “I mean, what would you get if you could get anything?”
So at this point, she’s got one hand going to the security alarm, the other hand is
coming up to protect her face for getting slashed with a knife because she thinks
you’re a nut case. You see, you can use the same words but if you don’t have the right
body language, the right intonation, the right smile, and most importantly the right
energy, none of it matters.

So what I’m going to give you are some perfect words. In fact, I’m going to give them
to you right now but then we’re going to talk about how to use these words to open
up a great conversation. So let’s take a look at three phrases, just three, and then
we’ll talk about how to use these. “Hi, how’s your morning going?”, “Hi, I don’t think
we’ve met. I’m Ramit.”, “Good morning. How are you?” These three simple phrases
have no magic in them but actually what’s magic about them is these three phrases
have worked a million times. They are a great simple way to get people to respond
positively to you, but there is more than just the words. Again, I don’t have to show
you what a creep I can be on camera to show you how you can use these phrases
wrong. Let’s talk about how to use them right.

So the first phrase, “Hi, how’s your morning going?” You can say that in many different
ways. Watch me. “Hi, how’s your morning going?”, “Hi, how’s your morning going?”,
“Hi, how’s your morning going?” Just in those three methods, you will get three
different reactions. And so that’s what I want to encourage you to do here. We’re
not going to test the words because that variable is infinitely complex. There are a
million different words you can use. We’re going to hold that variable constant. We’re
going to use these three phrases but we’re going vary something else. We’re going to
vary the way we deliver it. So how do you do that? You can vary it by smiling. Most
of us, especially men, don’t smile when we say these phrases. So I’ll say, “Hi, how’s
your morning going?” and I know as an Indian guy, culturally we’re not really taught
to smile much, but when we do smile, it’s the instant ice breaker. It’s the thing that
can break down all barriers, just a simple little smile.

We can also vary how quickly or slowly we say these phrases. Let’s try another example.
“Good morning. I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Ramit.” How would a person react to
that? They would or they would, “Hmm.” “Ahh.” They would say something to slow
it down so their brain can process it. Now what if you said, “Good morning. I don’t

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 MODULE 1 | SMALL TALK

Master the Art of Talking to

Anyone, Anytime
think we’ve met, I’m Ramit.” Notice the difference in the tonality and the speed.
Sometimes what we think is slow is actually just right. Now see, as you watched
that, it sounded normal, is actually just right. But to me it sounded painfully slow
in my head, and you can tell as I just did that if you rewind it 10 seconds, painfully
slow in my head with the smile, and that’s what gets people to connect with you. So
we’ve talked about how to connect with people using the same phrases by first using
a smile or not using a smile. We’ve talked about how to slow it down or sometimes
speed it up. Finally, we’re going to try using tonality.

So there are all kinds of different tonality that you can use when you’re speaking to
people. When I used to speak, especially when I was interviewing for scholarships,
I went in and I would talk like this. I had no tonality whatsoever and it did not go
well. But once I learned how to actually use tonality, like I’m using right now, things
got a lot better. So that’s the third thing we’re going to try - tonality. As you can see,
we’re taking these common phrases and we’re going to vary our approach. We’re
going try to see what works and what helps us connect. Now, how do you know if it
works? You’ll know very quickly because people will smile, they’ll engage with you,
they’ll want to talk more. You’ll also know when it doesn’t work because people will
basically not respond very much at all. “Hi, how’s it going today?” “Fine.” End of
sentence. That means you didn’t really engaged them. Now what do you say after
this? That is something we’ll talk about later. For now, just do your best. Have a
conversation but our focus right now is simply to take these common phrases and
see the huge difference that we can evoke in people by systematically varying our
smile, our speed, and our tonality.

Now who do you try these things with? Who are you going to try these little simple
lightweight experiment with? It’s very simple. Think about all the people you interact
with on a day-to-day basis. I actually like to start by trying to talk to the people
who are paid to talk to me. So cashiers, waitresses, or waiters, the FedEx guy. These
are people who will be more than happy to say hello and take a few minutes - your
hairdresser. You have in your own daily life, at least five people, you see that you
can speak to with zero consequences. And if you walked up and you’re like, “Hi,
how’s your day going?” And they’re like “I’m never going to talk to this guy again.”
That’s absolutely fine. Don’t do anything super creepy. We’re here to improve our
social skills but you can know that this is a risk-free test. Now, here’s your action

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Master the Art of Talking to

Anyone, Anytime
step for today. I want you to take each of these three phrases and test them with a
smile, without a smile; quickly, slowly; with one type of tonality, with another type
of tonality. That’s it, just three phrases, just test them.

I’d like you to do three tests per day. Very easy, very light weight. Remember a couple
of things, remember number one, social skills are a skill that you can develop. We’re
starting really easy. We’re putting bumpers when we go to bull for the first time, so
really lightweight stuff here, that’s totally fine. Number two, remember that most of
these people are bored all day long. You’re actually doing them a favor by engaging
with them, just like my friend was with that cashier at the coffee shop. So finally, what
are you going to do with all these tests? I want you to notice two things. Notice what
their reaction is. Did they crack up into this huge grin because they loved your energy?
Or did they kind of retreat because you didn’t really make them feel comfortable?
Notice their reaction and notice your reaction. How did you feel when you were
doing it with a smile or with a really quick tone? Let us know and report back to us.

This is the first step of our program. Don’t worry if it seems silly, if it seems goofy, don’t
worry, just trust the system and as we go through this, you’re going to look back and
smile at where you started today. I’ll look forward to seeing what reactions you get.

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