"I Hate Hamlet" - written by Paul Rudnick

(His New York apartment is literally haunted by the ghost of John Barrymore, and
thus, TV star Andrew Rally is persuaded to play Hamlet in Central Park. After the
premiere, he evaluates his own performance. It is noted: the monologue must grow
extremely passionate. Andrew must be transported back to the previous
performance.).

Andrew: Last night, right from the start, I knew I was bombing. I sounded big and
phony, real thee and thou, and then I started rushing it, hi, what's new in
Denmark? I just could not connect. I couldn't get a hold of it. And while I'm...
babbling, I look out, and there's this guy in the second row, a kid, like 16,
obviously dragged there. And he's yawning and jiggling his legs and reading his
program, and I just wanted to say, hey kid, I'm with you, I can't stand this
either! But I couldn't do that, so I just keep feeling worse and worse, just
drowning. And I thought, okay, all my questions are answered -- I'm not Hamlet, I'm
no actor, what am I doing here? And then I get to the soliloquy, the big job, I'm
right in the headlights, and I just thought, oh Christ, the hell with it, just do
it!

To be or not to be, that is the question;

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing, end them.

And I kept going, I finished the speech, and I look out, and there's the kid -- and
he's listening. The whole audience -- complete silence, total focus. And I was
Hamlet. And it lasted about ten more seconds, and then I was in Hell. And I stayed
there. But for that one little bit, for that one speech -- I got it. I had it.
Hamlet. And only eight thousand lines left to go.

Na noite passada, desde o come�o, eu sabia que eu tava flopando. Eu soava exagerado
e falso, de verdade, e ent�o eu comecei a correr com o texto, oi, o que h� de novo
no reino da Dinamarca? Eu simplesmente n�o conseguia me conectar. Eu n�o conseguia
segurar nada do texto. E enquanto eu tava... tagarelando, eu procurei, e tinha esse
cara na segundo fila, uma crian�a, de 16 anos, obviamente arrastado ali. E ele tava
bocejando e mexendo as pernas e lendo o programa, e eu s� queria dizer, ei garoto,
eu te entendo, eu tamb�m n�o suporto isso aqui! Mas eu n�o podia fazer isso, ent�o
eu s� continuei me sentindo cada vez pior, s� me afogando. E eu pensei, okay, todas
as minhas perguntas foram respondidas - eu n�o sou Hamlet, eu n�o sou ator, o que
eu t� fazendo aqui? E ent�o eu chego no solil�quio, a parte grande, eu t� bem nos
holofotes, e eu s� pensei, oh Deus, que se dane, s� faz!