Cagebirds

by David Campton

CAST (9 characters):
Gaze
Guzzle
Lovebird One
Lovebird Two
Gloom
Birdbrain
Gossip
The Mistress
The Wild One

Darkness. The birds sit facing the audience. Sounds of birds singing and bird calls for about
thirty seconds.

Lights up on Gaze – the bird sounds stop

Gaze:
You think it’s easy being this beautiful? You think I just hatched out looking like this? Oh no,
no, no…. It takes time. It takes effort. Can you imagine the hours and hours of preening? And
plucking? And ruffling?

Looks in a mirror

Let’s just say that when I first broke out of the egg I was a bit of an…. ugly duckling. My beak
was too pronounced. My eyes bugged out. I was like something out of a battery farm. Have you
ever seen a horror movie when some gruesome creature rushes out of the closet? That was me.

That’s when I set to work. I spent days rubbing my beak against the bars to smooth it down; I
rearranged my plumage to make it shiny. Not to mention the starvation diet. Not a single seed
passed this beak for two months. I rub oil into my feet and hands every day to get rid of the
scales. I check myself for fleas. I spend the whole morning fluffing up the feathers on my head.
My pretty, pretty head.

And now look at me. I’m the most exotic one here. I could be a bird of paradise. (Whispers
loudly) I could be on television.

Laughs

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I know they hate me. I know they’re jealous. So they should be. Some of the occupants of this
place resemble road-kill. (Indicates the nearest bird) This one to looks like they’ve been scraped
up from the bathroom floor.

Lights out on Gaze.

Lights up on Guzzle

Guzzle:
Surely it must be tea-time? Where are the muffins and the crumpets? Where are the toasted
teacakes? Is it too much to ask? (Pause) This lot are too easily satisfied. They’re happy with a
handful of seed. They don’t have my refined tastes, you see. (Pause) I sit all day, waiting for the
Mistress to turn up. She likes me the best – slips me an extra morsel now and then. Once she
gave me a piece of macaroon. Macarooooon. The word itself melts in your mouth. I sat on it for
three weeks. Kept it hidden from the others – those greedy pigs. I pecked a tiny bit off each day
when nobody was looking.

Bursts out singing with passion

Food, glorious food!

What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more --
That's all that we live for
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On food,
Magical food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Fabulous food.

(Bows) I thank you. Again, I thank you…

Guzzle looks around, and slips a piece of biscuit out of a pocket, nibbles at it quickly and coughs
to disguise the process of eating.

Lights out on Guzzle.

Lights up on the Lovebirds

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Lovebird One:
Darling, I adore you.

Lovebird Two:
Darling, I worship you.

Lovebird One:
You are as beautiful as the sun.

Lovebird Two:
You are the sun. And the moon.

Lovebird One:
You are the stars. You are my whole world.

Lovebird Two:
I live for you.

Lovebird One:
You are all that is good.

Lovebird Two:
You are all that is great.

Lovebird One:
Glory is in your eyes.

Lovebird Two:
In your beak.

Lovebird One:
In your feet.

Lovebird Two:
In your plumage. (play with the word) Pluuuumage.

Lovebird One:
In your beating breast.

Lovebird Two:
In your heaving bosom.

Lovebird One:
In your tail feather!

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They laugh loudly

Lovebird Two:
Kiss me, you fool!

They move in to kiss. Lights out on them.

Lights up on Gloom

Gloom:
It’s my knee, you know. It locks. Rigid.

Gloom demonstrates some hobbling

It’s the cap that’s responsible, of course. The cap. This. The lining. It wears. There’s no
permanent solution short of amputation. One hesitates to have one’s knees removed. Can you
imagine hobbling about with one leg? This lot would be on me like a pack of vultures. They can
smell weakness.

(Pause) Then again, I don’t have that long left. I’m just trying to live out my last days in
comfort. (Pause) It all begin last week. I felt this pain in my wing. A sort of spasm. A twinge. I
reckon it’s the beginning of the end. I’m terrified of waking up and finding myself with only one
wing. They can just drop off you know. Not that I have much left to lose: toe-nails are gone, my
head feathers have been disappearing for years. My father had the same problem: premature
molting. One night, he went to sleep one night as happy as anything, and he woke up the next
morning bald as a buzzard. And with only one wing. I’m just waiting for mine to drop off. Plop.
Gone. Goodbye… Not that I fly much nowadays.

Gloom flaps wings

No, flying’s not for me. It’s a young bird’s game. No need for flying when you get to my age.
It’s all about sitting when you get to my age. And waiting. Waiting for the great bird of death to
soar down and take me away to the happy-happy land. The great cage in the sky.

Pause

I’m content to live out my last days with a handful of seed. A few nuts. My drinking-tube. Of
course, I try to keep a positive outlook…

Lights out on Gloom

Lights up on Birdbrain

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Birdbrain:
They call me Clucky. Or is it Tweety? I’m really not too sure. When they think I’m not listening,
they call me Birdbrain, which is very naughty. My mother told me it was rude, and she advised
me to ignore them. She said that they didn’t like me because I was…. special. She said that I
came out of the wrong side of the egg. The fat end. It took me days to peck my way through.
Since that time, I haven’t really known up from down, top from bottom. My mother told me all
of that…

Birdbrain is silent for a while

Where was I? (thinks). Ah, yes. My mother. My dear old mom. Dead of course. Quite, quite
dead. They found her at the bottom of the cage. Stiff as a board. Her little legs sticking up in the
air. Her beak open in shock. (Birdbrain imitates her expression) They say she choked on some
seed. (Shakes head) I don’t believe it. I reckon it was suicide. Avian suicide. Fowl play…
Fowl… play.

Birdbrain is silent for a while

Yes, she died of natural causes. My old mom. She died frozen to her perch. Swinging back and
forth. She sat there for hours before anyone notice she was a gonner. She had never been much
of a talker. They had to prize her off. Word is, she had a dignified funeral. Wrapped her up in
tissue paper. And flushed her down the toilet.

Lights out on Birdbrain

Lights up on Gossip

Gossip:
So I said to her, “What is that?  You’re actually going to play with that? Ha! Hey, whatever
floats your boat. But take a word of advice from me… you’re going to look ridiculous. They’re
going to be laughing at you behind your back. What do you mean? she said, and gave me an
angry look. Nothing… never mind.  Sorry I tried to help. Sorry I spoke.

Pause

I’ll shut up now.  You know I’m not one to talk about others behind their backs. I’m not one to
spread rumours. But I said to that fat one – that one, over there, “If I were you”, I said, “I’d put
those sunflower seeds down. You’re big enough already.” He wasn’t very impressed. Puckered
his beak up and tried to turn away. “Carry on eating like that and your perch is going to snap.” I
told him, Snap! Right in two. And you’re going to fall ass-first. Straight into all that yukky stuff
on the floor.

Trying not to laugh but then…

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s right, lard-ass. I’m talking about you!

Smiles sarcastically

Should be ashamed. Still, I’m not one to talk about others; I’m not one to comment on their
limitations. What do I care? I keep myself to myself.

Pause

(To the nearest bird) Why is your face turning red?  Are you okay?  That’s why you gotta lay off
the seeds.  I’ll tell you what.  Why don’t you treat yourself to a piece of lettuce?  A nice healthy
lettuce. 

Pause

That one over there. Thinks she’s some sort of a glamour queen. Beak on her like a toucan.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Take a haaaaard - and I mean haaaaard - look at yourself there, girlie. I’ve
produced better looking waste-product than you. Whew! Girl, you’re ugly enough to frighten the
fledglings.

Pause

Don’t get me started on those lovebirds. Couple of chicken-heads. Still, I’m not one to pass
judgement….

Lights out on Gossip

Lights up on all the birds. They each begin to say their previous speeches all over again. This
time, they all speak at the same time, so the effect is chaotic. After 20 seconds, there is the sound
of a door creaking open, and the stage is flooded with lights. All the birds stop, and, wide-eyed
in horror, they stare out to the audience and freeze.

Enter the Mistress, a grotesque and larger-than-life figure

Mistress:
Pretty, pretty, pretty. Where are my pretties? They you are! There are my pretties! Pretty, pretty,
pretty. (Pause) Mommy has a surprise for you. I have a surprise for my pretties. Do you want to
know what it is? Do my pretties like surprises? Just you wait. I’ll go and get it now.

The Mistress leaves. The door slams. The lights go down

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Lights up on Gaze

Gaze:
I’ve been experimenting with underwater shades – pearl, coral, anemone. Youthful tints. I’m
trying to bring a bit of youth to my face. A touch of pink under the eyes. Just a suggestion of lip-
stick. Nothing too vulgar. Has anyone noticed?

Lights stay up

Lights up on Guzzle

Guzzle:
Of course I’ve been dieting. It’s taken pounds off. They say I look like a fledgling again. Just a
slice of cake for breakfast; a plateful of pasta for lunch. Lasagna for dinner. A sandwich at
bedtime. I’m not a great believer in snacking.

Lights stay up

Lights up on the Lovebirds

Lovebird One:
I saw, you know.

Lovebird Two:
Saw what, my gorgeous one?

Lovebird One:
I saw you take a little look.

Lovebird Two:
A little look, my sweet?

Lovebird One:
You were looking at her – that one with the makeup.

Lovebird Two:
No, my love, no. I only have eyes for you.

Lovebird One:
(Turning her back) You are dead to me.

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Lovebird Two:
You are too jealous my love.

Lovebird One:
Never speak to me again.

Two gives her an angry look at turns his back.

Lights stay up

Lights up on Gloom

Gloom:
You have to wrap up warm. Keep the leg covered. Don’t put too much weight on it. My uncle
had a bad knee. Hobbled around like a dodo. Went to bed one night, and woke up without a
torso. Some kind of bird-eating disease. Consumed him up from the inside out. I’ve been
requesting an inoculation, but nobody listens. Nobody cares.

Lights stay up.

Lights up on Birdbrain

Birdbrain:
To be honest, I don’t really know what’s going on. I don’t know how I got here. Was I hatched
here? I’m not sure what these other birds are doing here. They say there’s a world outside with
blue skies, where you can stretch your wings. Never seen it myself. Perhaps it’s not a real place.

Pause

Where were we? Yes, we’re better off here. It’s cosy. The Mistress comes. Gives us food and
water. Who could ask for more?

Turns to the next bird

Were you talking to me?

Lights stay up.

Lights up on Gossip

Gossip:

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No use coming to me with your tales, I told her. I’m not one of your lines of communication. I
really don’t know where she gets it all. Don’t tell a soul, she said. Me? I said. I’m discretion
itself. My beak is sealed. Not like some people I know. You wont catch me hanging round the
water-tube trying to catch the latest gossip. You won’t find me at the cage door listening to tittle-
tattle. I’m not a big talker. Never was.

Lights stay up.

There is the sound of a door creaking open again. All the birds stop, and, wide-eyed in horror.
They stare out to the audience and freeze. The Mistress enters.

Mistress:
Hello my pretties. Hello my sweeties. Who loves their Mommy? Who loves Mommy? Are my
sweeties hungry? No. Not hungry? Thirsty? No? Do you love your Mommy?

The birds, eyes wide with fear, nod their heads vigorously

And Mommy loves you, too. I do. Because I love you I have brought you a surprise. Are you
ready? Ready for Mommy’s surprise? Here it is. Your new little companion. Say hello to a new
friend.

The cage door creaks open and the Wild One spins into the cage.

Wild One:
So this is my cage.

Mistress:
Your home.

Wild One:
My prison.

Mistress:
We don’t use that word. Everyone welcome our latest pet.

The birds all look at the Wild One in horror. There is a prolonged silence: nobody moves or
speaks. The birds want to turn and look, but are too afraid to do so. They steal little sidelong
glances, then pretend they have not.

Mistress:
You’ll be happy here.

Wild One:

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Is that an order?

Mistress:
You will be happy here.

Wild One:
I was happy there.

Mistress:
You would have died out there. There were predators out there. They would have torn you to
pieces with their talons and their claws. Their bloody feet and beaks.

Wild One:
And what happens to me here?

Mistress:
You will be looked after. Protected. Please don’t be unhappy.

Wild One:
Are these happy?

Mistress:
They are content.

Wild One:
A different word. They look resigned, not content.

Mistress:
You are content, aren’t you my sweeties?

There is a silence. She stares at the birds. She approaches them. They break their silence and
start twittering at once. Calls of ‘Yes’ and ‘Of course’.

Mistress:
There, you see. Everyone is happy here.

Wild One:
They’re too scared of you to admit the truth. I won’t stay here. Not in this prison.

Mistress:
Do be a sensible little birdy. You’ll soon settle down. Won’t she, my sweeties?

All birds cluck and twitter ‘yes’

Wild One:
I won’t call you mistress.

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Mistress:
It’s not compulsory.

Wild One:
I won’t sing or dance. I won’t perform for you.

Mistress:
You amuse me just as you are.

All the birds laugh at the ‘joke’

Mistress:
Now I will leave you all to get acquainted. Let’s all be friends, my pets.

She turns to go

Mistress:
I always try to do what is best for my sweeties. I’m sorry I have to lock the door. It’s for the best.
For all of you. (Pause) You all love Mommy? Don’t you?

The birds twitter and panic and confirm their love. The Mistress smiles. She leaves and the
sound of a door being closed and locked is heard.

The lights darken slightly.

Silence. The birds stare ahead.

Wild One:
I'm sorry. I hope I… didn't upset you. (Pause) I know you must find my arrival disturbing. Sorry
I got a bit upset just now. I'm in full control of myself now. (Pause) I'm sorry if I behaved
stupidly. (With voice rising) But I am not used to bars, and ceilings, and doors with locks. (The
Wild One calms down) Sorry.

Silence.

I have to make myself at home. I’m your new cage companion. Your fellow prisoner (a little
laugh). Shall we get acquainted? I may not be here for long. At least, I plan not to be here for
long. (Pause) I shouldn’t be here at all, but I was given no choice. They caught me in a big net.
There has been a miscarriage of justice.

Silence

But you probably know all about that. After all, you’re here yourselves.

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The Wild One walks about the room, looking at the birds. They pretend they are not being
spoken to.

(Irritated) What happened when you were first put here? Did you go into a trance? Did they put
something in your food? Why won’t you answer me?

Pause

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here. But what can I do?

Pause

(Shouts) Up the revolution! Freedom for all! (Calms down) You were here first. I don’t
understand the rules.

Gaze’s head turns slightly. The Wild One rushes to Gaze.

So you’re content are you?

Gaze:
I… er…. I don’t know…

The Wild One goes to Birdbrain

Wild One:
And you? Did you choose to be here?

Birdbrain:
I don’t make choices.

The Wild One goes to Gossip

Wild One:
How long have you been locked up here?

Gossip:
Have we met? I don’t believe we’ve been introduced.

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The Wild One approaches the Lovebirds. They watch the Wild One coming, coldly. When the
Wild One gets too close, they link hands, and turn smiling to one-another. The Wild One gives
up on them.

The Wild One approaches Gloom.

Wild One:
What do you do in here all day?

Gloom:
We have our interests.

Wild One:
Are you not interested in what happens outside this cage?

Gloom:
Outside….?

Wild One:
Why do you all stay here? What’s keeping you?

Guzzle:
The Mistress. She provides for us. Crackers. Seed.

Birdbrain:
Fresh paper. For the floor. For when we have to… go to the potty.

Wild One:
She doesn’t provide for you. She traps you.

Gazer:
Mirrors. She gives us nice mirrors to look in. Pretty things.

Lovebirds:
She lets us stay together.

Gloom:
She protects us from the predators. From death.

Wild One:
Why do you listen to her? Mirrors… Food…Paper… She is controlling you. Taking away your
liberty. … How long have you been here? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Have you always been
here? Are you content to sit as time slips by? She said you’re content. Perhaps you are. But if
you are it’s because you never… Doesn’t anything matter to you beyond aches and food, scandal

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and the reflection in your mirror? You’re oppressed and you don’t even notice the fact. You are
denied your basic rights, and you don’t even care. You are prisoners. Are you content with that?

(Pause) I’m just trying to understand you, that’s all. Just trying. Did you ever behave like me?
Will I, given time, become like you – secure in my own little space? Never! Listen to me. You
are going to listen to me.

The Wild One goes up to Gossip

Listen. There is another world outside.

The Wild One goes to Gloom

A door is only a door. We have enough power to break it down.

The Wild One goes to Gaze

We are the majority. It’s not even a question of democracy: it’s a matter of numbers. There are
many of us and only one of her. She is not only outvoted, she is outnumbered. (Shouting) Listen
to me! All of you! You could be free. All of you! We are going to escape!

ALL birds:
(Panicked clucking sounds and bird noises) What? Escape?

Gloom:
Who cares about escape? About where I spend my life? It’s all the same.

Guzzle:
How would we survive? No cakes and biscuits outside!

Wild One:
Surely that would be better than what you have here? No matter the consequences… I have
dreams of freedom. No cages, no bars. I have dreams...

Guzzle:
I have dreams, too. Of trees full of fruit and berries.

Gossip:
Of somewhere safe.

Gloom:
Of blue skies.

Lovebird One:
Of laying eggs.

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Lovebird Two:
Of building a nest together.

Birdbrain:
Of flying high and free.

Gazer:
Of clear pools of water.

Wild One:
Yes! So why do you listen to her? Why are you still here if she’s keeping you locked up. Don’t
you see that she’s keeping you from your dreams? Don’t you see that she’s evil?

ALL:
Evil… 

Gloom:
(Shocked whisper) Evil? Evil?

Mistress enters

Mistress:
My sweet things. My darlings...

The birds freeze and move away into their separate spaces. They all turn away from the
Mistress, unsure what to do now. The Wild One is left alone in centre stage.

Mistress:
Have you been getting to know our new pet? Our little sweetie?

Mistress gives Guzzle a biscuit.

Look what I have for you.

Guzzle turns round, grabs it and starts to eat happily

And you.

Mistress gives Gazer a new lip-stick, which she opens and begins to apply

You know that Mommy loves you all. And she will always look after you.

Slowly, the birds turn round and start to relax. They make random chirping noises to show their
contentment. The Mistress smiles.

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Mommy knows she can trust you all. She knows you will never do anything to make her sad.
You wouldn’t do anything to make Mommy sad would you?

The birds shake their heads

Mommy is going to leave you know. She’ll come back at bedtime with more treats. You’d like
some more treats, wouldn’t you?

The birds shake their heads eagerly

Birdbrain:
We love you, Mistress.

The Mistress tickles Birdbrain under the chin, and leaves.

Once the Mistress has left, the birds turn slowly to face the Wild One. As they speak the final
lines, they close in on the Wild One slowly.

The lights go down in these last few seconds. Only the Wild One is left in a small pool of light.

Gossip:
She loves us.

Lovebirds:
She keeps us safe.

Guzzle:
Gives us tasty treats to eat.

Gaze:
And toys to play with.

Birdbrain:
She cleans our cage.

Gloom:
And keeps away the predators.

Gossip:
You’re the evil one. You tried to take all of that away from us. To take away our safety.

Lovebirds:
She keeps death away.

Gossip:

16
Keeps death away.

Guzzle:
Death away.

Gaze:
Death.

ALL:
Death.

They have closed in on the Wild One.

Blackout.

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