Dealing with interpersonal crisis

On occasions, the tension between two people is such that

the relationship degenerates and communication has become
impossible… We are then in a crisis. In such cases, we don’t always
know how to react... we could be tempted to continue observing the
situation and just wait until the situation sorts itself out. However,
doing nothing is the worst solution of all!

1. In a crisis situation, it’s crucial to do something!

A crisis is not unpreventable, but is rather a sign that problems are emerging…
• Crises come from imbalance: the tension between individuals has become so strong that they are no longer kept
under control.
• Indeed, crises tend to emerge when the positions become excessive, build up, harden or radicalize.
• These crises are triggered when there is “too much of something”: someone has gone too far, someone has stretched
the rope… it’s this “too much” that leads to the blockage.

A crisis raises the question: how can we get out of it?

This type of situation is seen as a deadlock: things aren’t as they were before, and you cannot keep going in the
same way.
This is why the resolution of a crisis requires specific treatment: you have to address the problems before they
escalate into a full conflict.

2. In a crisis, communication is hindered by people’s obstructive behavior.

There are several forms of obstructive behavior.
• Avoidance: people turn their backs on discussion, they do not answer, and they sulk or even avoid the other person.
• Stubbornness: people dig in their heels, don’t want to let go, and reject outright besides their own. There is no room
for what the other person is saying.
• Dishonestly or bad faith: people lie or simply deny all of the other person’s claims. The dialog is therefore broken.
• Argument: they always rebut everything and don’t hesitate to try to outdo the other person. Discussion gives way
to destabilization.

These types of behavior reinforce the blockage and compromise any sort of exchange.
If we are not careful, they can easily lead us into a clash.
When we are faced with obstruction, we risk falling into it ourselves, and encouraging it.
Escalation and blockage happen as a result.

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When faced with obstruction, we have to resort to the “reframing” technique.
Reframing is done in three steps. It involves:
1. Mirroring the obstruction: “This is happening between us”.
2. Expressing the fact that the process has bogged down: “We are not going to get anywhere this way”.
3. Suggesting another way of doing things: “How can we do this differently?”

3. To resolve a crisis, you have to work in stages.

1. The first stage: diagnose the situation.
Get everybody to express their grievances and feelings. This is the listening phase, which allows you to purge the
resentments of each side.
The various responses also effectively reveal the different ways in which the situation is seen: Through this exercise,
in this way we come to understand everybody’s particular “take” on the crisis.
Watch out! This first stage is indispensable, but it requires a lot of sensitivity: you have to prevent it from turning
into hostility and fighting. This is why everybody has to promise not to judge what is being said, and encourage the
other people to go into the matter deeper, by using the rephrasing technique.

2. The second stage: list and identity the symptoms of the crisis.
You go through all of the problems that have been mentioned: you ask everybody to confirm them, and to list them
in order of importance.
This is the rationalization phase, in which you bring the complexity of the situation to light. The crisis often crystallizes
around several problems.
By analyzing each of them, you separate out the different causes of the difficulties, and bring two types of problems
to light:
• Problems of a circumstantial nature-those that are linked to a one-off event affecting individuals.
• Structural problems-those that are linked to organizational methods or to the way in which relationships
function between individuals.
You therefore know where you have to put your effort as a matter of priority:
• Circumstantial problems have to be treated as quickly as possible.
• Structural problems, on the other hand, should be dealt with over the longer term.

3. The third stage: give a strong sign of resolution.

You have to make a decision that is going to deal with the immediate crisis, which will get rid of the worst symptoms.
The challenge is to rebuild the relationship through an immediate resolution.
This phase is dedicated to activity, rather than discussion. The idea is to do something practical to prove that you all
want to get out of the crisis.
This means that the decision has to concern a very concrete point that corresponds to the preoccupations that have
been expressed, and the associated feelings of frustration.

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4. The fourth stage: deal with the crisis in the long term.
You are going to have to set new rules: in other words, new organizational methods, or ways of getting people to
work together.
In this phase you treat the crisis in depth: by settling new rules, you attack problems of a structural nature, in order
to get rid of them. By doing this, you treat the crisis all the way to the end!

5. The fifth stage: making commitments for the future.

You define the stages, and settle a calendar in order to keep track of changes to the situation and the relationship
between everyone.
In this phase, people give guarantees for the future: you do what you can to avoid a similar crisis coming along again
in the future.

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