1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with,

but I've been tripping all day.

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got
this joke wrong"

4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"

I said "Don't mention it"

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very

important to him that I have it.

8. I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

12. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

13. What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

14. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

17. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
18. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

19. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

20. Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's
terrible.

22. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

23. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

24. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

25. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

26. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

27. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

28. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread.
If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

30. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

31. What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.

Icy dead people.

32. Knock Knock

Who's There?

Dishes

Dishes Who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

34. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to
help me get to the other side!"

The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

35. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

36. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd,
he's cute.
37. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

38. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks
around, but there is no punch line.

39. I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

40. How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do
criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

42. What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs.

43. What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast
implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

44. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications

-45. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things
literally.

46. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.

47. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on
a date.

I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

48. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that
mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".

• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly
welcome.

• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."

• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and
Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed"
accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little
mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to
do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our
choir practice.

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Don't forget your husbands."

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00
p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any
church.

• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a
Terrible Experience."

• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th
anniversary of his birth.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."