Daf Ditty: Pesachim 49: Shidduchim

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MISHNA: One who is traveling on the eve of Passover to slaughter his Paschal lamb, to
circumcise his son, or to eat a betrothal feast in his father-in-law’s house, and he remembers
that he has leavened bread in his house, if he is able to return to his house and remove the
leaven and afterward return to the mitzva toward which he was traveling, he should return home
and remove his leaven. But if there is not enough time for him to go home and remove the leaven,
and still complete the mitzva that he already began, he should nullify it in his heart, as by Torah
law this is sufficient.

If one was traveling to save Jews from an attack by gentiles, from a flooding river, from bandits,
from a fire, or from a collapsed building, he should not even attempt to return, and instead he

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should nullify the leaven in his heart. This applies even if he could remove his leaven and still
return to his previous activity. If he went to establish his Shabbat residence in order to adjust his
Shabbat limit for an optional purpose, rather than in order to fulfill a commandment, he should
return immediately to remove his leaven.

GEMARA: The Gemara raises a contradiction between this mishna and another source. It was
taught in a baraita: One who is traveling to eat a betrothal feast in his father-in-law’s house
or to establish his Shabbat residence for an optional purpose, must return immediately to
remove his leaven. This contradicts the mishna, which states that one who is going to a betrothal
feast may nullify the leaven without returning for it, because the meal is considered a mitzva.

Rabbi Yoḥanan said: This is not difficult, as there is a tannaitic dispute with regard to the issue.
This source, the baraita, is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yehuda, while that source,
the mishna, is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yosei. As it was taught in a baraita: A
betrothal feast is optional; this is the statement of Rabbi Yehuda. Rabbi Yosei says: It is a
mitzva.

Having discussed whether a betrothal feast is a mitzva, the Gemara addresses a related issue. It
was taught in a baraita that Rabbi Shimon says: A Torah scholar may not derive benefit from
partaking in any feast that is not a mitzva.

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The Gemara asks: In what case does this statement apply? Rabbi Yoḥanan said: In a case where
the daughter of a priest marries an Israelite, or where the daughter of a Torah scholar marries
an ignoramus. Although a wedding feast is generally a mitzva, it is not in this case, as Rabbi
Yoḥanan said: When the daughter of a priest marries an Israelite their union will not be
auspicious, as it is disgraceful for the priesthood when the daughter of a priest marries an Israelite.

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The Gemara asks: What is meant by this statement that their union will be inauspicious? Rav
Ḥisda said: The inauspicious nature of such a marriage can be identified based on the verse
describing the return of a daughter of a priest to her father’s house after marrying a non-priest. The
verse is understood as mentioning that the marriage will result in one of three possibilities: she
will either be a widow, a divorcee, or without children (see Leviticus 22:13). It was taught in
a baraita: Either her husband will bury her, or she will bury him, because one of them will die
young, or she will cause him to become poor.

The Gemara asks: Is that so? Didn’t Rabbi Yoḥanan himself say: One who wishes to become
wealthy should cling to the descendants of Aaron, and all the more so should the merit of the
Torah and the priesthood cause them to become wealthy. The Gemara answers: This is not
difficult, as this case, where he becomes wealthy, refers to a Torah scholar who marries a
woman of priestly lineage. In that case their union will be a successful one. That case, where their
union will not be auspicious, refers to an ignoramus who marries a woman of priestly lineage.

On the topic of proper marriage partners, the Gemara cites the following discussion. The Sages
taught: One should always be willing to sell all he has in order to marry the daughter of a
Torah scholar, as if he dies or if he is exiled and he cannot raise his children, he can be assured
that his sons will be Torah scholars, since their mother will ensure that they are well educated.

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And one should not marry the daughter of an ignoramus, as if he dies or is exiled, his sons
will be ignoramuses.

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Furthermore, the Sages taught: One should always be willing to sell all he has in order to marry
the daughter of a Torah scholar and in order to marry off his daughter to a Torah scholar.
This type of marriage can be compared to grapes of a vine that become intertwined with grapes
of a vine, something which is beautiful and acceptable to God and man. And one should not
marry the daughter of an ignoramus. This type of marriage can be compared to grapes of a
vine that have become intertwined with berries of a bramble, which is something unseemly

and unacceptable.

Ben Yehoyada

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The Sages taught: A person should always be willing to sell all he has in order to marry the
daughter of a Torah scholar.

If he cannot find the daughter of a Torah scholar, he should marry the daughter of one of the
great people of the generation, who are pious although they are not Torah scholars.
If he cannot find the daughter of one of the great people of the generation, he should marry
the daughter of one of the heads of the congregations.
If he cannot find the daughter of one of the heads of the congregations, he should marry the
daughter of one of the charity collectors.
If he cannot find the daughter of one of the charity collectors, he should marry the daughter
of one of the schoolteachers.

However, he should not marry the daughter of an ignoramus [am ha’aretz] because they are
vermin and their wives are similar to a creeping animal, as their lifestyle involves the violation
of numerous prohibitions. And with regard to their daughters the verse states:

‫ְבֵּהָמה; ְוָאַמר‬-‫ָכּל‬-‫שֵׁכב ִﬠם‬

ֹ ,‫כא ָארוּר‬ 21 Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. And
{‫ }ס‬.‫ ָאֵמן‬,‫ָהָﬠם‬-‫ָכּל‬ all the people shall say: Amen
Deut 27:21

“Cursed is he who lies with an animal” as they are similar to animals in that they lack any
knowledge or moral sense.

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‫‪HALACHA‬‬

‫‪:‬שישתדל כל אדם ליקח לו אשה הגונה ובו יא"ס ‪Even Ha’ezer 2‬‬

‫‪9‬‬
A man should not marry a woman who has any kind of inappropriateness.

RAMO Isserless: Anyone who marries an inappropriate wife for money will bring them children
who are not respectable, but aside from that, if there is no inappropriateness on her, rather he just
marries her for money, it is allowed. If someone wants to marry an inappropriate wife, his family
members may protest him. If he does not want to be supervised by them, he may make a type of
sign such that their offspring will not intermingle with that of his family; and someone who offered
a lot of money for him to get married and then took back the offer (even though they got married)
he should not hold his wife like a hostage because of this and he should not quarrel with her over
her family's property, and someone who does this will not be successful and the relationship will
not be a good one because the money that a man takes along with his wife is not appropriate
money; and anyone who does this is called someone who "marries for money".

Rather, everything that a father or mother in-law gives him should be taken with a good-eye (a full
heart) and he will be successful.]

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Any family with the presumption of a good lineage and he's permitted to marry her a priori.
Nevertheless, if you see two families that always irritate one another.

[RAMO Isserless: or two individuals that irritate one another] or you see a family that are
upholders of mitzvot and argue always or you see a man that argues disputes with everyone and
especially brazen, then we should suspect their lineage and it is fitting to distance oneself from
them b/c these are disqualifying characteristics.

Similarly, a person who always invalidates others, for example he puts a stain on the lineage of
families or on individuals and he says about them, that that they are mamzerim then we suspect
him of being a mamzer. And if he says that they are slaves then we suspect that he is a slave. And
all who invalidates others, that blemish (actually) invalidates him.

And likewise, he who is brazen, cruel, and hates others and he doesn't show them loving kindness
we suspect him the most, lest he is Gibionite (see Mishnah Torah, Isuri Biya 19:17).

The Importance of Family Weddings

Steinzaltz (OBM) writes:1

If a person leaves his/her home just before Pesah and remembers that hametz was left behind at
home, what should he/she do?

According to the Mishna on our daf, if the person is traveling for personal reasons, he should really
go home and destroy the hametz properly. If, however, the trip was for a mitzva – like to sacrifice
the korban Pesah, to perform a circumcision on his son or to attend the celebration of a wedding
at his in-laws’ home – then, if he cannot return home to destroy the hametz, he is allowed to
do bitul ba-lev, to nullify the hametz in his heart.

The Jerusalem Talmud points out that we learn from this Mishna how important it is to keep peace
within the family, since the Mishna chooses to categorize attendance at a family wedding
celebration together with circumcision and the Passover sacrifice as important mitzvot.

The Gemara uses this line in the Mishna as a springboard for a wide-ranging discussion of
celebrations and marriage. One baraita quoted by the Gemara encourages a person to sell all of
his worldly possessions in order to arrange to marry the daughter of a Torah scholar or to arrange
for his daughter to marry a Torah scholar. The baraita then gives a metaphor:

This type of marriage can be compared to grapes of a vine that become intertwined with grapes
of a vine, something which is beautiful and acceptable to God and man. And one should not
marry the daughter of an ignoramus. This type of marriage can be compared to grapes of a

1
https://steinsaltz.org/daf/pesahim49/

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vine that have become intertwined with berries of a bramble, which is something unseemly and
unacceptable.

The sneh, which is also referred to in the Talmud as vardina, is, apparently, what is known today
as the bramble or Rubus Sanctus, a crawling or climbing plant that grows wild, usually on
riverbanks or other damp places throughout Israel. The plant has leaves, many sharp thorns and
white or purple flowers of about 2 centimeters in diameter. It also has berries – referred to by
the baraita as invei ha-sneh – which are edible, although they are usually small and have little
juice in them.

RABBI SETH GOREN writes:2

Prior to reading today’s page of Talmud, I had always understood the common rabbinic phrase am
ha-aretz (literally: people of the land, though it usually refers to one person) to refer to a poorly-
behaved, unknowledgeable individual. The am ha’aretz is something of an opposite number to the
rabbi himself — rustic, unlearned, unmannered. Marcus Jastrow’s dictionary defines the phrase as
“ignorant person,” the Jewish English Lexicon includes among its definitions an “uneducated
person” and “country bumpkin,” while The New Joys of Yiddish throws in “vulgar” and
“ignoramus.” In all these definitions, at the very worst, an am ha’aretz is someone who is quaintly
rude, but mostly harmless.

But today’s page takes a far more sinister view of the am ha’aretz — and is rather graphic about
it. Our daf starts by laying out a hierarchy of preferred marriage candidates, starting at the top with
“daughter of a Torah scholar.” At the other end of the spectrum, we have the daughter of an am
ha’aretz, described his way:

He should not marry the daughter of an am ha’aretz because they are vermin and their wives are
similar to a creeping animal, as their lifestyle involves the violation of numerous prohibitions. And
with regard to their daughters the verse states: Cursed is he who lies with an
animal (Deuteronomy 27:21), as they are similar to animals in that they lack any knowledge or
moral sense.

Perhaps a tad hyperbolic, but still, yikes! And this is not the only outpouring of loathing for the am
ha’aretz found on today’s page.

The text goes on, enumerating prohibitions on amei ha’aretz (the plural form), who cannot be
trusted to serve as an orphan’s guardian or oversee a charity fund. It’s recommended not to travel
with them for fear they’ll do you harm, and if you find an am ha’aretz’s lost item, some authorities
say you have no obligation to return it (which is a big deal since the rabbis were quite concerned
about the return of lost property as we will see in much more detail in Tractate Bava Metzia). You
shouldn’t even study Torah around an am ha-aretz, although you’re explicitly (in more than one
meaning of the word) permitted to “gut them like a fish” and stab them to death on a Yom Kippur
that falls on Shabbat.

2
Myjewishlearning.com

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These actions are justified because an am ha-aretz is not just incompetent or ignorant — but
downright malevolent and violent. For example:

Rabbi Meir would say: Anyone who marries off his daughter to an am ha’aretz is considered as
though he binds her and places her before a lion. Why is this so? Just as a lion mauls its prey and
eats and has no shame, so too, an ignoramus strikes his wife and then engages in sexual relations
with her without appeasing her first, and has no shame.

Again, the vitriol is palpable — this depiction is a far cry from the simple country bumpkin of the
Jewish English Lexicon.

It’s hard to know exactly why the rabbis had so much loathing for this class of uneducated, non-
practicing Jews in their midst. Nor do we know how numerous they were, or if the feeling was
mutual. But today’s page leaves no room for ambiguity and can serve as either a basis for, or a
warning against, demonizing those with whom we disagree.

Subjectively, though, one can only imagine that something about the am ha’aretz terrified the
rabbis, even if this does not seem to be true for later generations, as the semantic drift in the
meaning of the term makes clear.

A Pesach Wedding
Rabbi Jay Kelman writes:3

3
https://www.torahinmotion.org/discussions-and-blogs/pesachim-49a-pesach-wedding

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Getting married is a very big deal, and a mitzvah that supersedes almost all else. And like all
mitzvoth, this is something we should do at the earliest possible opportunity. Our Sages recognized
that, unlike other mitzvoth, twelve or thirteen would be too young for this mitzvah and
recommended an age of eighteen. While that made sense in an era when most were working by
their bar mitzvahs and life spans were much shorter, for most today, eighteen is just too young.
But when one is ready, one can and should get married at the earliest opportunity. Even in the
middle of kinnot on Tisha b'Av, Jewish law allows (encourages) one to get engaged (the wedding
will have to wait at least a day), "lest someone else does so first".

Rav David Tzvi Hoffman (see below) was asked if one may marry during the Aseret Y'mei
Teshuva. While it is almost inconceivable that one would do so today (though I did have a friend,
who married the day after Yom Kippur; not surprisingly, the wedding was in Israel), R. Hoffman
writes that it is permitted--and in fact he, personally, got married then. There is no better act
of teshuva heading into Yom Kippur than fulfilling G-d's dictate that "it is not good for man to be
alone". It's as if the days before Yom Kippur are the ideal wedding time.

Not surprisingly, Jewish law allows one to marry when mourning for a parent; starting the next
generation is the greatest act we can do to perpetuate the memory of our parents.

A Jewish wedding is comprised of two parts, eirusin and nissuin. The first consists of placing a
ring on the bride's finger; it is at that point that the couple is legally married, and would need, G-d
forbid, a get, to break the union. However, they were not allowed to live together until after
the nissuin, accomplished with the recital of the sheva brachot under the chupah followed
by yichud. While in Talmudic times, there was often a gap of up to year between these two parts
(leading to the notion that a couple can be married but forbidden to live together-very different
from today's moral climate!), today they are done in immediate succession.

With this background, we can appreciate the ruling of the Mishnah (Pesachim 49a) regarding one
who is going to a celebration, "a festive meal, a seudat eirusin, in the home of his father-in-law",
on erev pesach and remembers that he has chametz in his home (apparently, bedikat chametz was
not exactly on his mind). The Mishnah teaches that if there is not enough time to go and rid his
home of chametz, he should nullify it in his heart and enjoy the festive meal--the first of two he
will have that day.

The Gemara initially explains that such a ruling follows the views of Rav Yossi, who claims that
even a seudat eirusin--on erev Pesach, no less--fulfills a religious obligation and hence, that
mitzvah should not be interrupted to go home and search for chametz. One may rely on
nullification of chametz instead. The Gemara then clarifies such and asserts that all agree that at
least the first meal celebrating eirusin is indeed a mitzvah--the only argument being whether
subsequent meals celebrating such are also deemed a mitzvah that would allow for leniency in
ridding our home of chametz.

Relying on "nullification of the heart" is a rule that applies to all mitzvoth--and the Mishnah, in
fact, lists as other examples one who is going to slaughter his paschal lamb (very understandable
on erev Pesach) and one who is going to the brit of his son (the timing of which is not in his

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control). Adding this third case of marriage is both unnecessary and deliberate. Pesach is the
holiday of Jewish nationhood yet, strikingly, is celebrated in the home. When a couple marries and
sets up a Jewish home, they are cementing the blocks of our nation, linking themselves in the chain
dating back to Abraham and forward to the Messianic Era. Mazal Tov!

Reb David Zvi Hoffmann (November 24, 1843, Verbó, Austrian Empire –
November 20, 1921, Berlin) (Hebrew: ‫)דוד צבי הופמן‬

While relatively unknown today, he was considered the preeminent authority in Jewish law in late
19th and early 20th century Germany. His 3-volume collection of response, Melamed Lehoeil, is
a fascinating collection of great halachic erudition, and sheds much light on the nature of German
Orthodoxy.

He taught in Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch's school before becoming the Rector of the
Hildesheimer Seminary in 1899, following the death of its founder, Rav Azriel Hildesheimer.

Like almost all German rabbinic figures, he received a doctorate, writing his dissertation on A
Biography of Mar Shmuel. In academic circles, he is best known for his defense (written in
German) of the Divinity of the Biblical text and his critique of the Documentary Hypothesis
developed by Wellhausen.

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Demonstrating how much Orthodoxy has changed, this champion of Wissenschaft Des Judentums,
the academic study of religious Jewish texts, was also a member of the Moezet Gedolei HaTorah
of Agudat Yisroel.

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv (OBM) 10 April 1910 – 18 July 2012

Rabbi Yair Hoffman writes:4

4
http://www.5tjt.com/rav-elyashiv-on-weddings/

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Rav Lipa Israelson has compiled an as-yet-unpublished manuscript of rulings, advice, and
responsa of his grandfather, the posek ha’dor, HaGaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, zt’l5.

Shidduchim

Prayer. One who has reached a marriageable age should pray that Hashem arrange that he meet a
good shidduch [Sefer Chassidim #135, 243], and that the process should be easy [Rashi, Berachos
8a.]. A person should not pray that a specific shidduch work out. Rather, the prayer should be
directed in finding one’s true shidduch1. Parents should daven for their children and grandchildren
that they merit proper shidduchim who are ba’alei Torah, God-fearing people, and gomlei chesed
[Sefer Chassidim 156; cited in the prayer of the Shelah HaKadosh].

The Qualities One Should Search For. The central qualities that one should search for in a
shidduch are: fear of heaven, good character traits, and proper Torah hashkafos.

Daughter of a Kohen. A yeshiva student may certainly marry the daughter of a kohen, and there
is no concern not to do so. [See Pesachim 49a; Kovetz Igros Chazon Ish]

Listening to Parents. Even though the Rema explains that there is no obligation to listen to one’s
parents regarding shidduchim [YD end of Siman 240], nonetheless, if the shidduch involves a
serious shortcoming that would bring shame to the family, one must listen to them. [See Teshuvos
Siman 1]

Relatives. There is no problem of making shidduchim with third cousins–that is a fourth cousin
with a fourth cousin. Essentially, there is no problem with third cousins to third cousins as well.2

5
It will iy’H be released by the Machon L’Hotzaas Kisvei uPiskei Maran Rav Elyashiv. Rabbi Israelson, shlita, showed Rav
Elyashiv many of the rulings and the language format before he passed away.

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Two Tall People. A tall man may marry a tall woman without any concern. That which is
mentioned in the Gemara [Bechoros 45b] to discourage this refers to a situation when they are
exceptionally tall.

Shabbos and Yom Tov. It is permitted to discuss matters of shidduchim on Shabbos and yom
tov. [SA OC 306:6] When there is a need to do so, it is even permitted to discuss matters of finance
regarding a shidduch. A Kinyan Shidduchim should not be made on Shabbos or yom tov. [Kaf
haChaim 306:50] On chol ha’moed it is permitted to make a Kinyan Shidduchin; however, a full
meal should not be made, rather only modest refreshments should be served. [OC 546:1 MB 546:2]
It is permitted to write a Shtar Tenaim on chol ha’moed. [OC 545:5 MB 545:21] However, if a
Zichron Devarim was written before yom tov, then a Shtar Tenaim should not be written on chol
ha’moed.

Names. There are those who are quite strict to ensure that the bride’s name should not be the same
as that of the groom’s mother, and that the groom’s name should not be the same as the name of
his future father-in-law. There are also those who are strict to ensure that the names of both fathers-
in-law and both mothers-in-law not be the same. All this is from the Ethical Will of Rav Yehudah
HaChassid. The essential stringency, however, only concerns that of a bride and her future mother-
in-law. The other scenarios are merely minor concerns, and there is no need to be so uneasy about
them, although the prevalent custom is to be strict on these matters.3 However, one may not be
lenient regarding a bride and her mother-in-law except through making a change in the name. If
the shidduch is appropriate in all areas, but the names are the same, it is possible to remedy this by
adding a name to one of the parties. This can be done le’chatchilah, with no reservations. There is
no difference whether it is added to the bride’s name or to that of her mother-in-law. If the concept
about the concern for the same name only became known to them after the wedding, then an
additional name should be added to one of their names at that point.

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What Constitutes a New Name. In order for a name to be considered a new name, it is necessary
for at least three people to call him either by the newly added name alone or with both names
together. Regarding a bride and her mother-in-law, it is necessary for the majority of those who
know her to call her by the new name.

The New Name. If the groom’s new name was used for 30 days or more, it is necessary to use it
in the kesubah. If one of them has the name “Moshe Yaakov” and the other’s name is simply
“Yaakov,” this is not considered the same name, but rather two separate names entirely. However,
if this “Moshe Yaakov” is referred to by everyone as “Yaakov” alone, then it is considered the
same name. It would make no difference even if he is called to the Torah by the name “Moshe
Yaakov.” However, it would certainly be effective to start referring to him from that point onward
as either “Moshe Yaakov” or just “Moshe.” However, regarding a bride and her mother-in-law it
is necessary that everyone, or at least the majority of people, start referring to her with both names.
It is not sufficient for only her close family members to call her by both names. Ideally, a person
who is named “Simcha” should not marry a girl whose mother is named “Simcha.” Rather, they
should add a name to one of them. Post facto, however, one may be lenient.6 Someone whose
name is “Yaakov” but everyone calls him “Yankel,” or someone whose name is “Moshe” but he
is called “Moishy,” or if her name is “Esther” but she is called “Estie,” all of these and other similar
cases are considered to be one name and are included within the concept of a bride and mother-in-
law with the same name. v

NOTES:

1. Rav Elyashiv, zt’l, citing his grandfather, the Leshem. Another segulah for a zivug is
reciting Tehillim 121 after completing each Shemoneh Esreih prior to returning to one’s
spot (heard from Rebbetzin Kanievsky, a’h, quoting her father).
2. The concern is both that of danger as well as that the shidduch will turn out badly, as
discussed in the responsum of Even HaRosha, by Rav Eliyahu Kletzkin, zt’l.

6
Kav V’Naki, Vol. II Siman 380 citing Rav Elyashiv,

19
 3. This was the general response that Rav Elyashiv would give when these questions were
posed to him. However, there were circumstances when he varied his answer based
upon individual circumstances.
4.

How is shadchanus viewed in halachah? Is it only a gift to express appreciation for a job well
done, or is it a required payment that must be given upon completion of a shidduch? How much
should be given? When must shadchanus be paid - when the shidduch is finalized or at the
wedding? When there are multiple shadchanim, how is the shadchanus divided?

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These, and many other questions, are answered in this new sefer, Shadchanus in
Halacha. Written by Rabbi Shloime Dickman, and shadchan Rabbi Tzodok Katz, Shadchanus in
Halacha explains the role and function of the modern-day shadchan, outlines the halachos and
minhagim of giving shadchanus, and presents a series of fifteen fascinating real-life shailos and
teshuvos on the topic.7

Finding Your Zivug (Mate)

For Chassidim & Others of the "Bashow" Minhag

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE writes:8

About half of the marriage counseling, I do is for Chasidim.

They do not date, they "bashow" (have a brief pre-arranged in-home meeting). I generally only see
Chasidim after marriage problems surface (my counseling of singles is generally for the non-
Chasidic; e.g. Litvish, Modern or Sefardi).

My belief is that all branches of frum Jewry have about THE SAME statistics for shalom bayis
trouble and divorce. The "Charaidish" mate-selection process is unique, the mate-selecting
difficulties and marriage problems can be unique, and the means of handling these must be adapted
accordingly for Chasidim and Yeshivisheh who want to improve their mate-selecting practices and
marital success ratio.

Their marital trouble particularly pains me because the "bashow" allows so little opportunity to
find out who an INNER PERSON REALLY IS. If a problem is covered up it can be very
damaging. Therefore, for my many Chasidish readers, here are recommendations (the following
can be applied by diligent non-Chasidish too).

IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO ANY CONCERN OR SUSPICION,

7
https://www.israelbookshoppublications.com/store/pc/Shadchanus-in-Halachah-p1213.htm
8
http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/zivug/bashow.htm

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1. call more people for information than you would otherwise (the more concern, the more people),
and

2. see more of the people you contact for information "in person" face-to-face (the more concern,
the more people you must speak to in-person...to get facial gestures or visual signs that may
indicate invented, covered or incomplete information, or evasiveness; which would be hidden over
the phone).

In my counseling experience, much of Chasidishe marriage trouble and break-up stems from
untrue, rushed, undisclosed, vague, half-true or ignored information; so if something seems odd,
inconsistent or worrisome; believe nothing more than the name and address of the boy or girl!
EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULDN'T GET FROM ANY PHONE BOOK, CHECK OUT
YOURSELF THOROUGHLY! Call a rov for what to discuss.

Do not merely infer something about a shidduch that needs to be actually verified and known. The
gemora says that when witnesses came, if they said, "We did not see a moon," Sanhedrin
CANNOT declare the day to NOT be Rosh Chodesh because WHAT YOU DO NOT SEE IS NOT
TESTIMONY. If witnesses see the moon, bais din can declare the day to be Rosh Chodesh. ONLY
WHAT YOU SEE IS TESTIMONY. THE SAME APPLIES IN SHIDDUCHIM. And, the same
way you check out the boy/girl, check out the shadchan! Get references to couples and parents and
inquire from them whether the shadchan's work and attitude were satisfactory, honest and helpful.

In your investigation, it is vital to concentrate on REAL ISSUES, NOT EXTERNALS! Some

shadchanim go by irrelevant or destructive criteria such as: does the family use balabatish linen
tablecloths or low-class plastic tablecloths? or does the mother shop on the avenue with a shopping
cart (which is not fashionable)? Such questions do more to find faults than to find lifelong mates.
A related problem is superficiality in the shadchanus. For example, a man was given a boy's name
as a shidduch for his daughter. He called one of my Chasidish friends, who told me that the father
ASKED HIM if he knows where the boy davens, what yeshiva he learns in or anything about his
character. My friend said, "How can a shadchanis speak a shidduch and not know such basics?"

Is there instability, dishonesty or dysfunction in the family?

Don't be fooled by those who act saintly in public and are beasts in their home. Even if the home
has problems, HAS THE INDIVIDUAL BOY OR GIRL RISEN ABOVE ANY
SHORTCOMINGS OF THE FAMILY (remember, we have our Jewish people specifically
BECAUSE RIVKA LEFT EVIL BESUEL AND LOVON!). Does the boy or girl have good midos,
straight hashkofos and loyalty to Torah? Is the boy or girl tocho kibaro (the same person inside
and out), eidl (gentle) and temimi (uncomplicated, psychologically and religiously)? Is the person
sensitive, considerate and responsive to other people? How does the person handle disagreement,
provocation or pressure? Does the person have a good heart and do chesed, and take responsibility
for other people in somewhat mature ways? Does (s)he keep his word? Does the youth have a rov
for HALACHA AND LIFE QUESTIONS - who the person FAITHFULLY LISTENS TO (not
just goes to!)?

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Warning: some manipulative people craft shaalos to get desired answers; find out if the person's
questions also are honest! Does the boy or girl have good social skills, regular and healthy group
interactions, and fine bain adam lechavairo (interpersonal) conduct? If you have any doubts, the
inquiring set of parents and/or their child should spend more time with the prospect to see if any
flaws, inconsistencies, "bad vibes" or arguing come to the surface. If this is unusual in your
chasidus, or if you are insecure about a lot of "yentas," ask yourself: do you prefer (chass vichalila)
shalom bayis troubles or high divorce rate in your chasidus? or in your family?

Don't worry about what strangers see, think or say.

They don't live with the misery of marital failure. Worry about: will the couple be good to each
other and raise healthy and frum children? I have too much experience with chasidic couples. Their
shalom bayis problems are as bad, destructive, painful, disruptive and crushing as those of Litvaks,
moderns or others. Break ups or marital troubles have come, for example, from terrible midos,
having undisclosed physical or psychological illness, coming from dysfunctional homes whose
phoney members act saintly in public, blindly callous indifference or disrespect by either spouse
to the other, miscommunication, immaturity, selfishness, rigid denial of faults, meddling family
and emphasis on externals. I even know of one Chasidish Israeli who abandoned a wife and seven
children and moved to America to sneakily marry another woman (who did not check him out
adequately). He had seven more children with her. An Israeli bais din later found him and busted
his bigamy-aguna case.

In my experience doing marriage counseling with the Chasidish community, since there is NOT a
lot of emphasis on learning how to communicate and relate, the way in which marriage troubles
often manifest are by one or both avoiding or abandoning the other.

BAD RELATING IS OFTEN DONE BY NOT RELATING.

This tendency is intensified by the emphasis placed upon putting an outward and conformist,
perhaps even impressive, presentation to the community. This act can subtly train people to
develop two separate "selves" - the real inner person and the person they present to society. If a
person is truly holding in the same place as his outer presentation, the person can be a tzadik. If
the person is not psychologically or spiritually holding at the level of his outer presentation,
anything goes. In shidduchim and marriage, this can be a catastrophe. Problems and provocations
are not handled, so they escalate. Since the person avoids him/herself, all the more so his/her
spouse. This way, disputes cannot be resolved. Every individual has his own nesyonos (tests from
Heaven), tafkid (spiritual job in life) and bechira (free will choice).

I hope that every Jew of marriageable age finds his true basherte. By effectively approaching the
metzeeyuss (real situation) in each case and in each branch of Jewish society, may we see each marriage
happy and sustainable.

Despite the pious recommendations the situation on the ground for most young people who wish
to make use of the shadchanim is demoralizing. From the “resume” to the intrusive FBI tactics

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used prospective in laws to the artificial first date chaperoned even in non-chassidic circles and
the incidence of divorce soon after marriage forces us to critique the system as is employed.
Below is my daughter’s view of the landscape…

I’m an ‘Older’ Single Orthodox Woman. I Am Not Your Crisis .

Alisa Ungar-Sargon writes:9

The moment I realized I was an “older single” in my Orthodox Jewish community was, naturally,
at an engagement party. I said hello to a former teacher from high school. She locked eyes with
me and said: “Please God by you.” It’s a familiar refrain, heard by singles at any wedding-related
party, cute when you’re young, eye-roll-inducing as you get older. It essentially means: Hopefully
you will reach this milestone soon, too.

This teacher and I have a tense history, which we’ve both chosen to overlook now that I’m no
longer her student. Yet this was the most genuine thing she’d ever said to me. She meant it honestly
and with feeling, without a hint of a raised eyebrow — just pure earnestness in her hope for my
future. Which is probably why it struck me in that moment: I had phased out of the picky/waiting-

9
https://www.heyalma.com/im-older-single-orthodox-woman-not-crisis/

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for-the-right-one/I’m-actually-a-super-complex-person stage of dating. I was now the aging diva,
being replaced by younger ingénues. Thinner ingénues. The situation might even be … dire.

I was 24.

I’m certainly not alone in my “situation.” In the community in which I grew up, I’m part of what’s
known as the “Shidduch Crisis.” These days the term “crisis” brings to mind mass shootings and
devastating hurricanes, which is why it’s funny that it’s also the preferred term in certain circles
for women who aren’t busy making babies. The “Shidduch Crisis” is what the Orthodox Jewish
communities of the U.S. consider a threat to society as we know it: legions of older women, already
spinsters in their mid- to late-20s.

The word shidduch is Hebrew for match — plural, shidduchim. Participants in shidduchim often
have résumés, much like the one you’d have for a job, except it includes photographic evidence
and paragraphs titled “About Me” and “What I’m Looking For.” One who deals
in matchmaking would be a shadchan (male) or shadchanit (female). In gratitude for a successful
match, casual matchmakers would be given a gift, called shadchanus, while professional
matchmakers could make a fee somewhere in the ballpark of $2000. Of late, extra money has been
offered as an incentive for matches made where the woman is older than the man.

Some claim that the Shidduch Crisis is a false construct, a rumor started to benefit the boys’ club.
It plants the power firmly in their hands. (If you could only see the glee with which their mothers
leaf through the 20 to 30 shidduch résumés placed on their desks, you’d have no trouble believing
that report.) Others choose to blame the situation on a Catch-22 inherent to a girl’s desirability:
Send her to a good seminary in Israel for a year or two after high school, but by the time she gets
back she’s aged out of the 18/19-year-old bracket that 22-year-old boys are looking for.

I guess I should be thankful that the Orthodox Jewish community is aware. That it’s working for
a solution. Because from my position, the larger sin is its lack of space for single women. The
structure of synagogues and actual physical spaces lend themselves almost exclusively to families.
Women’s voices are heard through their husbands more often than not. Politics and institutions in
the community are mostly run by men — businesses, schools, charitable organizations — which
means that to a certain degree, not having a man to speak for you blocks you off from the
community.

Over the past half-decade or so, much of my emotional currency has been spent figuring how I fit
into the Orthodox community. My parents attend a synagogue where the mechitzah, the partition
separating genders, is so stringent that I can’t see any of the proceedings. Recently a synagogue
was created specifically for men my age, but when my female friends approached the organizers
in hopes of creating programming geared toward women, they were told that wasn’t the focus at
this time.

I’m not asking that these places become egalitarian. I’m asking that women be heard when we
have something to say.

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Equality in singlehood isn’t an issue with which I expected to take umbrage. Growing up I was
more involved with my Barbies’ weddings than in any imaginings of my own. I did, however,
nebulously expect to be married by the age of 21. I expected to have a home and a family in an
Orthodox Jewish community — in New York, Chicago, or even Israel, where I spent some time
growing up. I expected to host big Shabbat dinners with many guests, having many conversations,
with many people who wouldn’t shut up. I expected to have to make decisions regarding which
educational institutions to bestow my perfect children upon.

Now, though, I’m closing in on 30 and whatever formless anticipations I had for my life no longer
apply. Or rather, they shouldn’t.

Despite having two degrees, respectable employment, bills in my own name, and a decent CV of
published articles, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve failed. At times my life feels like it’s boiling
down to how deliberate I can make my successes if I never get married. Admittedly, this could be
because of certain relatives I choose to see often, whose idea of a blessing is to say, tearfully,
repeatedly, “I hope to dance at your wedding.” Or because society at large — secular and religious
alike — values finding “The One” in everything we do. My inability to ensnare a man is a failure
in both circles. I’m drawn to the secular because there’s a space there for people like me, people
whose lives are no less valuable than those who are married. The ultra-Orthodox sphere does not
offer that same assurance.

My background wasn’t so religious that I was expected to be engaged when I was still a minor,
but neither was it so secular that I got a feminist pass on actively searching for my soulmate. The
first time I had friends who were guys was when I attended Yeshiva University for my
undergraduate years. That’s because throughout elementary and high school, I was taught that
talking to boys was inappropriate — even if you weren’t touching them, even if you weren’t
thinking of them sexually, boys were off limits entirely. A student in my class lost her National
Honors Society nomination because she had a boyfriend. So, I felt as though I was in a weird no-
man’s-land, not quite fitting into the dating scene.

Stern College, the women’s undergraduate program of Yeshiva University, is the quintessential
Modern Orthodox school for getting your “M.R.S. degree” (possibly the most condescending term
for a pressure society puts on all women, not only religious ones). It didn’t matter. I came out on
the other end single.

Now seven years out of YU, my Facebook feed is filled with babies. So many babies. All of the
babies. Many of my former female classmates are now mothers. They’re raising children, creating
families with their significant others — many of whom went to YU as well. They’re continuing
the legacy and traditions of Judaism, allowing the religion to pass on through their generation.
They are replenishing the population with their children. They are part of communities that value
them as parents now.

I became a writer because in the back of my mind it was a career that could be done from home,
while I watch my children. Typing a story while I stir a pot, or whatever it is that multitasking
domestic goddesses do. Ultra-Orthodox teachers encouraged me and my high school classmates

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to do so. If you must work, make sure it’s in a field that could prioritize childrearing. I heard one
discourage the brightest student in her year from becoming a doctor because “that’s not a career
for a Jewish mother.” Hope she wasn’t meant to cure cancer.

So, what becomes of unmarried women whose focus on their careers was meant to be a smoke-
and-mirrors illusion because outwardly focusing on boys was considered cheap? What happens
when the career you thought would be secondary to raising a family, secondary to being accepted
fully into your community, becomes the focus of your life?

Amidst the disappointment and the implication that I’ve failed because I haven’t found a man to
take me in and care for me, I like focusing on what other single women decided to do with their
time. I take pleasure in the accomplishments of my fellow singles — their creativity, their
education, their research. I seek out their company and enjoy the atmosphere we create together,
how we support one another. In a community that places more value on a unit than on the
individual, and more value on the male component of that unit than on the female counterpart, my
peers remind me that I can look elsewhere for encouragement.

No one’s primary definition should be their relationship to other people. Being a wife, being a
mother, inherently means more about what you offer others than what you offer yourself. I hope
to fulfill both roles someday. At the same time, I hate seeing women silence their potential for
developing their own self in service of family.

Should I find myself reaching such milestones in due time, should I reach a point where I no longer
have to decide whether I want to give a genuine thank you or burst out laughing when I hear the
phrase, “Please God by you” yet again, I hope to remember what I learned from being single this
long. My value comes from my actions, not my relationships. And my voice deserves to be heard.

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