Question

Regarding parenting children in extended, joint families, in one house,

ensuring good relations.

I am a son, husband and father. My family lives in a joint family with teenage
daughters, within one house. My wife covers in front of non-mehram, with
headscarf and abaya, as do my daughters. My parents are fit and capable,
Alhamdulillah. My brother is unmarried and not practicing. My sister stays
over with her teenage sons, who are also not practicing. As a father, how do I
manage the situation, ensuring peace and tranquil living, as well as observing
the Shariah obligations?

Answer

1. As a son, husband and father, managing the affairs to ensure the Shariah
obligations, please consider the following.

The house with a joint family is divided into private living quarters and
common areas. Women in origin have private living quarters of their own. It
is a place where the woman can uncover, wearing her normal clothes,
without the headscarf and abaya. It is a place that requires permission
(isti'zaan) for entry. It is a sanctuary for her where she can relax, unwind,
arrange her personal belongings and go about her routine. So it can be a
room or rooms, partitioned from the rest of the house.

As for the common areas, beyond the private living quarters, they may
include a shared kitchen or shared sitting room or shared area for washing
clothes. It is these areas that are the basis for arguments, disagreements and
tensions. So be mindful, considerate and wise in your management.

2. The wife has a right to private living quarters. In his book al-Mughni (‫)المغني‬,
Ibn Qudaamah (‫( )ابن قدامة‬rh) said,
 ‫ فإذا وجبت السكنى للمطلَّقة فللتي في صلب‬، … ‫ويجب لها مسكن بدليل قوله سبحانه وتعالى أسكنوهن‬
‫ وألنها ال‬، ‫ ومن المعروف أن يسكنها في مسكن‬، ِ‫ قال هللا تعالى َوعَاشِ رُوهُنَّ ِب ْال َمعْ رُوف‬، ‫النكاح أولى‬
‫ وفي التصرف واالستمتاع وحفظ المتاع‬، ‫تستغني عن المسكن لالستتار عن العيون‬

“She (the wife) is entitled to accommodation because Allah says, ‫أسكنوهن‬

“Lodge them …” [TMQ Surah al-Talaaq 65:6]. If it is obligatory to provide
lodgings for a divorced wife, then it is even more appropriate that lodgings
should be provided for one who is still married. Allah (swt) said, َّ‫َوعَاشِ رُوهُن‬
ِ‫ …“ ِب ْال َمعْ رُوف‬and live with them honorably…” [TMQ Surah an-Nisaa’ 4:19].
Part of that means providing them with accommodation, because she cannot
do without proper accommodation to conceal her from people’s eyes and so
that she may go about her business, relax and her keep her belongings in
order.”

3. Regarding your father, in the common area, your wife can sit with him,
without the abaya and head scarf. Your father is mehram (forbidden for
marriage) to your wife, after your marriage to her. Your wife speaks to your
father, as she speaks to her own father. Appreciate her good dealings with
your parents. Your parents are well now, Alhamdulillah, but may become
weak as they age.

4. Regarding managing your brother, in the common area, he is not mehram.

Your wife cannot be alone with him in seclusion (khulwa). She does not freely
mix with him. She must wear the head scarf, though she does not need to
wear the abaya in the home. Assist your wife in these matters and be careful.
‘Uqba b. ‘Amir reported Allah’s Messenger as saying, ِ‫ِإ َّيا ُك ْم َوال ُّد ُخول َ َعلَى ال ِّنسَاء‬
“Avoid going in where women are.” A man said, ‫“ َيا َرسُو َل هَّللا ِ َأ َرَأيْتَ ْال َحمْ َو؟‬O
Messenger of Allah, tell me about the relatives of a woman’s husband,” to
which he replied, ُ‫“ ا ْل َح ْم ُو ا ْل َم ْوت‬The relatives of a woman’s husband are
death.” What applies to your brother applies to those further away in
relation, such as your nephews and cousins and others.
5. As for dealing with females in the common areas, it often leads to clashes
and misery, particularly between your wife and her mother-in-law, your
mother. Often there are tensions between wives and sisters as well. As a
father, a son and a husband, you must understand the basis of the conflict, in
order to resolve it. Just as it is not easy for men to share a single desk, or a
single computer, for work, women need their own space for their essential
work. Just as men differ over how work must be done, so do women. So, as a
husband, you must do your best to provide a separate kitchen, bathroom and
area for washing clothes for your mother and your wife. These are the most
common arenas of conflict and power struggle. So do your best, even if you
have to live in a separate home, whilst your parents are fit and active.
Distance can often improve relations. Do not care for wrong traditions and
cultures, or what the people may say. Value peace and tranquility for your
womenfolk, over financial expense. At the same time, encourage your wife to
be patient, whilst appreciating her, if you cannot afford to provide more or
your parents need care and supervision.

6. Regarding in-laws being death, Imam an-Nawawi ( ‫ ) النووي‬said in his Sharh

(Explanation) of Sahih Muslim:

‫ والشر يتوقع منه‬،‫ فمعناه= أن الخوف منه أكثر من غيره‬.‫ الحمو الموت‬:‫وأما قوله صلى هللا عليه وسلم‬
‫ والمراد‬،‫والفتنة أكثر لتمكنه من الوصول إلى المرأة والخلوة من غير أن ينكر عليه بخالف األجنبي‬
‫ فأما اآلباء واألبناء فمحارم لزوجته تجوز لهم الخلوة بها وال‬،‫بالحمو هنا أقارب الزوج غير آبائه وأبنائه‬
‫ والعم وابنه ونحوهم ممن ليس بمحرم وعادة الناس‬،‫ وإنما المراد األخ وابن األخ‬،‫يوصفون بالموت‬
‫المساهلة فيه ويخلو بامرأة أخيه فهذا هو الموت وهو أولى بالمنع من األجنبي لما ذكرناه‬.

“As for his saying (saw), “The in-law is death.”

What it means is that fear of him is more than others. Evil and sedition are
expected from him more than others. This is because he is able to reach a
woman and be alone with her in seclusion (‫)خلوة‬, without being denounced,
unlike a man that is foreign to the home.

What is meant by in-laws here is other than the fathers and children of the
husband, for his fathers and his children are mehram for his wife. It is
allowed for them to be in seclusion with her. They are not characterized as
being death.
What is meant is the brother, the nephew, the uncle and the uncle's son, and
the like, who are not mahrem. Such people usually take it easy, being alone in
seclusion with the brother’s wife. This is death. It is more appropriate to
prevent this, than a man foreign to the home, as we mentioned.”