*Question*

We have been married for over seven years. When my wife is not pleased with something, she wants
me to know why automatically. If I do not pick up her cues and concerns, it confirms my failure as a
husband. That upsets both of us. The atmosphere becomes tense, to the point that it effects our
children. Why can she not just come out with the concerns? Please help!

*Answer*

It is heard in counselling,

“Why does she not say things straight?”

“I have to work out what she means”

“She says something, but expects me to know that she means something else”

“She says, ‘I am fine,’ but she is not”

1. Find out what is being meant, by focusing on her concerns. Open up the conversation. Please give
time. For that take time out, from work, housework and chores. Please give attention. Put phones to the
side and sit face to face. Please listen carefully. No interruptions, no completing of sentences. There is
no pressure to respond straight away. Get back to each other, after sleeping on it at least.

2. To address concerns, examine any related Islamic rulings carefully. We as Muslims refer to the Noble
Quran and the Prophetic Sunnah for guidance in any dispute. Allah (swt) said, ‫ازعْ ُت ْم فِي َشيْ ٍء َف ُردُّوهُ ِإلَى‬
َ ‫َفِإن َت َن‬
‫ُول‬ ‫هَّللا‬
ِ ‫(“ ِ َوالرَّ س‬And) if you differ in anything amongst yourselves, refer it to Allah and His Messenger (saw).”
[TMQ Surah an-Nisaa 4:59]. There are volumes written by classical ulema on the subject of marital life
and family issues.

3. Keep emotions in check, when working out concerns. It is natural for emotions to flare, as the
relationship is close and intense. However, if your partner loses their cool, it is not an excuse for you. By
keeping your cool, for the pleasure of Allah (swt), it will help them and so it will help both of you. Let the
husband remember that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said, ‫“ خيرُكم خيرُكم لِلنسا ِء‬The best of you is the best
ْ ‫َأ ُّي َما امْ َرَأ ٍة َما َت‬
to women.” [Al-Mustadrak]. Let the wife remember that the Prophet (saw) said, ‫ت َو َز ْو ُج َها َع ْن َها‬
‫ت ْال َج َّن َة‬
ِ َ‫اض د ََخل‬
ٍ ‫“ َر‬Whichever woman dies while her husband is pleased with her, then she enters Paradise.”
[Mishkaat al-Masaabih].

4. Address the concerns as a couple, and do not attack each other. You have invested years in your
marriage and have had mostly good relations. Lean towards guidance and be graceful during discussion.
Do not make matters personal. The Prophet (saw) said, ‫ْعين ج ُْزءًا مِن‬
َ ‫ي الصَّال َِح وال َّسمْتَ الصَّال َِح ج ُْز ٌء مِن َسب‬
َ ‫إنَّ ال َه ْد‬
‫“ ال ُّنب َُّو ِة‬Right guidance and graceful manners are one part of seventy parts of Prophethood.” [Ahmad and
Abu Dawud]

5. Keep emotions in accordance to Islam, and do not transgress its bounds. It may be that the decision is
against what is convenient or easy for you. However, we are not ruled by emotions. Instead, our
emotions are ruled by that which pleases Allah (swt). Allah (swt) said, ‫ُوك فِي َما َش َج َر‬ َ ‫ون َح َّت ٰى ي َُح ِّكم‬
َ ‫ِّك اَل يُْؤ ِم ُن‬
َ ‫َفاَل َو َرب‬
َ ِّ
‫ضيْتَ َوي َُسلمُوا تسْ لِيمًا‬ َ ُ ‫َأ‬ ‫اَل‬ ُ َ
َ ‫“ َب ْين ُه ْم ث َّم َي ِجدُوا فِي نفسِ ِه ْم َح َرجً ا ِّممَّا ق‬But no! By your Lord, they will never be believers until
they accept you (O Prophet) as the judge in their disputes, and find no resistance within themselves
against your decision and submit wholeheartedly.” [TMQ Surah An-Nisaa 4:65].

6. The Messenger of Allah (saw) clarified the nature of women, so that man realizes the reality of a
woman, learns from it, accommodates for it and refrains from colliding with it. He (saw) said, ‫َفِإنَّ ْال َمرْ َأ َة‬
‫ َفاسْ َت ْوصُوا ِبال ِّن َسا ِء‬،‫ َوِإنْ َت َر ْك َت ُه لَ ْم َي َز ْل َأعْ َو َج‬،ُ‫ َفِإنْ َذ َهبْتَ ُتقِي ُم ُه َك َسرْ َته‬،ُ‫ضلَ ِع َأعْ الَه‬
ِّ ‫ َوِإنَّ َأعْ َو َج َشىْ ٍء فِي ال‬،‫ت مِنْ ضِ لَ ٍع‬
ْ ‫“ ُخلِ َق‬Women
were created from a rib and the most curved part of a rib is its uppermost. If you attempt to straighten
it; you will break it, whilst if you leave it alone it will remain curved. So act kindly toward them.” [Agreed
upon].

7. Allah (swt) created woman from the most curved rib of a man and the most curved is its uppermost.
This does not mean the curvedness in physical attributes, that charm the husband and draw him
towards her. It is the curvedness that Allah (swt) Himself created in her nature, in her character and in
the way she understands matters, as in the manner of raising her concerns and needs.

8. The pious husband understands the curvedness of the woman. The husband must understand, accept
and accommodate. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said, ‫“ َفِإ ِن اسْ َتمْ َتعْ تَ ِب َها اسْ َت ْم َتعْ تَ ِب َها َو ِب َها عِ َو ٌج‬So if you enjoy
her, you will do so while curvedness remains in her.” Thus, the husband enjoys his wife, in all of her
curvedness. This ensures the serene marital life with goodness in companionship, cohabitation and
intimacy, in all dimensions.