Nafsiya Reflections: A Love Which Never Breaks

Welcome to another episode of Nafsiyah Reflections - A Love Which Never

Breaks

Growing up in both societies I knew what a marriage should be like. How an

Islamic household is, what being a wife and a mother looked like, what being a
husband or a father resembled. And I saw how a western household was, or
seemed, and what it looked like in the movies and that it wasn’t real. But I felt
reassured that I knew what an Islamic household was. I was wrong!

I thought I knew Islam. I thought I knew the teachings of Islam. For it was simple.
The man has (Qawamah), he holds the power. The wife also has power, but not
over the husband. The woman takes care of the children and household. The man
pays for everything. End of story. Oh boy, was I wrong.

See, parts of that is true, I wasn’t one hundred percent wrong. I was just missing
the whole picture. But let's get into the actual pretext. Let me help you
understand... because man, do we need to understand! So rewind a little bit. Wait...
do they still say rewind?

The Islamic household is like no other! Truly! And I can say that whole heartedly;
for we truly don’t know what we are missing! We were born into a society that
shaped us, right? Shaped us into being who we are. It gave us ideas, pictures,
definitions... etc. So in that, we saw our parents, we saw our friends’ parents, we
saw our grandparents maybe, or other relatives. And then we would compare it all
to Islam, from halal and haram perspectives, if we were aware enough to do that.
So we knew what an Islamic household looked like, or should look like. And if you
are lucky convert, I salute you! You are trying to find everything you need to know
how to live your life in a way to please Allah SWT, in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT
of your life. And that is such a blessing! Born Muslim, is a blessing as well, but
most of us have to separate culture from Islam and this is where the challenge
starts. Culture! Society! The systems we live under.

For these systems are what shape our minds. See a lot of Arab men grew up not
really doing much around the house, for they worked outside the house. And it
isn’t technically their job anyways. The woman could work, but taking care of the
house and the children was her job. And I am guessing a lot of other cultures can
relate, because none of us today, live under Islam.
There is an ayah in which Allah (swt) said:

( ْ‫ِمن‬ ‫ض َوبِ َما أَنفَقُوا‬ َ ‫ض َل اللَّـهُ بَ ْع‬

ٍ ‫ض ُه ْم َعلَ ٰى بَ ْع‬ َّ َ‫سا ِء بِ َما ف‬ َ ‫الر َجا ُل قَ َّوا ُم‬
َ ِّ‫ون َعلَى الن‬ ِّ
َ
‫)أ ْم َوالِ ِه ْم‬
[Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other
and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.] Surah An-nisa’: 34

That is what men heard. The prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said,

َ
" ...‫خ ْي ًرا‬ َ ِّ‫صوا بِالن‬
‫سا ِء‬ ُ ‫ست َْو‬
ْ ‫"ا‬
“So act kindly towards women.”

Men would think, “Okay I won’t hit them.”

Most of us did not grow up with the Seerah, so we never knew the full context of
these blessed Hadiths. We grew up with right and wrong, as if that is all Islam was.
Do this or Allah will put you in Jahanam, or hell, do this and you go to Jannah.
“Do you want to go to Hell?” They would ask us as children.

And then comes the west, the capitalist west. Showing us how a happy household
looked like. Visualized it in our minds. We would see it in movies, in cartoons and
in children’s books. It was ideal. Except for the fact that it wasn’t. And then they
started teaching us and pointing out society’s flaws in the name of Islam. They
knew how to take us away from our Deen. For all they had to do, was pull us away
from Islam a little, taking us away from the Nawafil, parts of the Sunnah, but
leaving us with the obvious Fards. They blinded us, tore us apart, and convinced us
it was liberation.

So you see... life became a mess. No wonder why we can’t seem to get our
thoughts straight!

So let me shed light on what Islam truly is... what a marriage and a family in Islam
looks like. What mercy and compassion is in a relationship. What a fulfilling,
blissful marriage looks like.

Let’s start from the beginning.

‫ صلى هللا عليه وسلم‬- ِ ‫سو ُل هَّللَا‬ ُ ‫ قَا َل لَنَا َر‬- ‫ رضى هللا عنه‬- ‫س ُعو ٍد‬ ْ ‫" َعنْ َع ْب ِد هَّللَا ِ ْب ِن َم‬
, ‫ص ِر‬ َ َ‫ض لِ ْلب‬ُّ ‫ فَإِنَّهُ أَ َغ‬, ‫ستَطَا َع ِم ْن ُك ُم اَ ْلبَا َءةَ فَ ْليَتَ َز َّو ْج‬ْ ‫ب ! َم ِن ا‬ ِ ‫شبَا‬ َّ ‫{ يَا َم ْعش ََر اَل‬-
‫ق َعلَ ْي ِه‬ٌ َ‫ } ُمتَّف‬."‫ص ْو ِم ; فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ ِو َجا ٌء‬ َّ ‫ست َِط ْع فَ َعلَ ْي ِه بِال‬ْ َ‫ َو َمنْ لَ ْم ي‬, ‫ج‬ ِ ‫صنُ لِ ْلفَ ْر‬ َ ‫َوأَ ْح‬
Narrated 'Abdullah bin Mas'ud (RA): Allah's Messenger (‫ )ﷺ‬said to
us, "O young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it
(marriage) controls the gaze and preserves one from immorality. And whoever
cannot (marry) should fast, for it is a means of reducing the sexual desire." [Agreed
upon]

ْ‫ فَ َمنْ َكانَت‬،‫ئ َما نَ َوى‬ ٍ ‫ َوإِنَّ َما ِال ْم ِر‬،‫قَا َل النَّبِ ُّي صلى هللا عليه وسلم " ا ْل َع َم ُل بِالنِّيَّ ِة‬
ْ‫سولِ ِه صلى هللا عليه وسلم َو َمنْ َكانَت‬ ُ ‫سولِ ِه فَ ِه ْج َرتُهُ إِلَى هَّللا ِ َو َر‬
ُ ‫ِه ْج َرتُهُ إِلَى هَّللا ِ َو َر‬
"‫ه‬ َ ‫ فَ ِه ْج َرتُهُ إِلَى َما َه‬،‫صيبُ َها أَ ِو ا ْم َرأَ ٍة يَ ْن ِك ُح َها‬
ِ ‫اج َر إِلَ ْي‬ ِ ُ‫ِه ْج َرتُهُ إِلَى ُد ْنيَا ي‬
“The Prophet (‫ )ﷺ‬said, "The rewards (of deeds) are according to the
intention, and everybody will get the reward for what he has intended. So whoever
emigrated for Allah's and His Apostle's sake, his emigration was for Allah and His
Apostle; and whoever emigrated for worldly benefits, or to marry a woman, then
his emigration was for the thing for what he emigrated for."

“The Prophet (‫ )ﷺ‬said: "A woman is married for four qualities, for
her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion: so get the religious one
and prosper."

‫ { تُ ْن َك ُح‬: ‫قَا َل‬- ‫ صلى هللا عليه وسلم‬- ‫ َع ِن النَّبِ ِّي‬- ‫ رضى هللا عنه‬- َ‫َوعَنْ أَبِي ه َُر ْي َرة‬
ِ ‫ فَا ْظفَ ْر بِ َذا‬, ‫ َولِ ِدينِ َها‬, ‫ َولِ َج َمالِ َها‬, ‫سبِ َها‬
ْ‫ت اَلدِّي ِن تَ ِربَت‬ َ ‫ َولِ َح‬, ‫ لِ َمالِ َها‬: ‫اَ ْل َم ْرأَةُ أِل َ ْربَ ٍع‬
ٌ َ‫يَ َدا َك } ُمتَّف‬
َّ ‫ق َعلَ ْي ِه َم َع بَقِيَّ ِة اَل‬
‫س ْب َع ِة‬
Wait there is another... the Messenger of Allah ‫ ﷺ‬said,

َ َ‫َوف‬
" ‫سا ٌد‬ ِ ‫ض ْو َن ُخلُقَهُ َو ِدينَهُ فَ َز ِّو ُجوهُ إِالَّ تَ ْف َعلُوا تَ ُكنْ ِف ْتنَةٌ فِي األَ ْر‬
‫ض‬ َ ‫إِ َذا أَتَا ُك ْم َمنْ ت َْر‬
‫يض‬
ٌ ‫" َع ِر‬
"If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are
pleased, then marry (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him, for
if you do not do that there will be Fitnah in the land and widespread corruption."
 ۚ ً‫س ُكنُوا إِلَ ْي َها َو َج َع َل بَ ْينَ ُكم َّم َو َّدةً َو َر ْح َمة‬ ً ‫س ُك ْم أَ ْز َو‬
ْ َ‫اجا لِّت‬ ِ ُ‫ق لَ ُكم ِّمنْ أَنف‬
َ َ‫( ِمنْ آيَاتِ ِه أَنْ َخل‬
ٰ
ٍ ‫إِنَّ فِي َذلِكَ آَل يَا‬
َ ‫ت لِّقَ ْو ٍم يَتَفَ َّك ُر‬
)‫ون‬

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may
find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed
in that are signs for a people who give thought. [Ar-room: 21]

The messenger of Allah (‫ )ﷺ‬who said,

‫ وما تقرب إلي عبدي‬،‫ فقد آذنته بالحرب‬،‫ "من عاد لي وليَّا‬:‫"إن هللا تعالى قال‬
‫ وما يزال عبدي يتقرب إل َّي بالنوافل حتى أحبه‬،‫بشيء أحب إل َّي مما افترضت عليه‬
‫ ويده التي يبطش‬،‫ وبصره الذي يبصر به‬،‫فإذا أحببته كنت سمعه الذي يسمع به‬
‫ ألعيذنه" ((رواه‬،‫ ولئن استعاذني‬،‫ أعطيته‬،‫ وإن سألني‬،‫ ورجله التي يمشي بها‬،‫بها‬
))‫البخاري‬

"Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'I will declare war against him who treats with
hostility a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved thing with which My
slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps
on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (voluntary prayers or doing
extra deeds besides what is obligatory) until I love him, (so much so that) I become
his hearing with which he hears, and his sight with which he sees, and his hand
with which he strikes, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me
something, I will surely give him, and if he seeks My Protection (refuge), I will
surely protect him". [Al-Bukhari]

The nature of a Muslim, of a Momin, is that He or she does not do what it only
obligatory, but rather strives for the nawafil. Always striving to be something
greater in the eyes of Allah. Striving in helping his wife as she tries to please Allah
through him and herself. Knowledge is to be sought by both. For one will be asked
about himself or herself first on the day of judgment. And in that the woman and
the man are a team, working for the cause of Allah, striving together, for Allah’s
pleasure, to Jannah. For they are half of each other’s deen.

See, the Islamic household is like no other. We are a household built on love. The
love of the Creator, The All-Knowing, The Merciful. Built on the love of Allah. A
love which never breaks.

Jazak Allahu Khayran for joining us!