Life over Knife

By G-Yan Mamuyac

It was cold night of January 1st of 2017 when my world shattered into

pieces. It was supposed to be the time at which a new calendar year begins, but

not for me, a catastrophe of my life began. I was dominated by a profound

sadness. It was as though a trenchant thorn pinpricked my soul. In a room painted

of white, I was sitting placidly at my pink bed staring straight at the window

curtained with floral cloth while listening to my parents’ wrangle.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was hurt that's why I said those words. The pain is still

here. Please, don't leave us here, I beg you, Grace," my father said, kneeling in

front of my mother.

"No, I don't love you anymore! I don’t need you anymore! I’ll go back to Qatar

now. Take care of our children," my mother replied obnoxiously, packing her

things into a black luggage.

"I know everything, Grace. Every man you messed around in there. And now,

you are again flirting with another guy. I know it. Why do you have to do this to

me, to us? I’ve forgiven you several times," he shouted as his eyes were

swimming with tears.

He hit the wall hard with his fist. He smashed an elbow into the room’s

door. I could see through my father's eyes how he loved her truly, deeply and

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
madly. Our bedchamber was surrounded by melancholic ambience. My tears

rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t help. I couldn’t say a word.

My world stopped momentarily.

Then, my father ran hastily in the kitchen. I knew what he wanted to do at

that moment.

I followed him, but I was too late.

I saw him with a sharp knife in his hand. In just a fraction of a second, he

stabbed his lower abdomen vigorously.

I saw it. I saw it. I saw it.

It seemed that everything hurt so much. In his second attempt, I quickly motioned

towards him, and tried to steal the knife. Without hesitation, I clasped the blade

from him, but he was too strong. My hands were sore. It was as though I was

gambling my life with death. I didn't care anymore if something bad was going to

happen. If it was the only thing to save his life, I would. I screeched that moment.

I shrilled for a help but no one heard me. I could see in his eyes that he was fully

decided to cut his life.

"My life would be worthless without your mama, Eyan," he murmured, trying to

hit himself while I was taking it from his right hand. His voice was as sharp as a

cutting knife.

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
“We are here, papa! Please don’t do this to us,” I responded, screaming.

That moment, I prayed to God to help me in rescuing my father from

ending his life and to give him another chance to live. Then without a second, he

answered my prayer. I shouted for the last time, then my uncle and grandmother

came along.

“Get out of here,” my uncle yelled at me.

He tried to take off the sharp thing in my father's hand with a great force.

While he was doing so, I saw mom, leaving. She fixedly stared at me for about

three seconds then went straight to her way. It grates my soul. It felt like my entire

world left behind me. I, too, wanted to disappear completely. But I reminded

myself that I should be brave, optimistic and strong to face this cruel world.

Finally, my uncle got the knife. Drops of blood started streaming down the

floor. Ten seconds passed, and then twenty and thirty, he finally lost his

consciousness. My grandfather hurried to start up the car engine. My uncle carried

him on his shoulder. As my grandfather was concentrating on the way, I was

nervous, shaking and terrified. I was still clueless about how those things

happened. I thought those scenarios will only be seen in televisions. I absorbed

the trauma. It felt like the pain swallowed my entire body.

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
 According to experts Michelle Moskos, Jennifer Achilles, and Doug Gray,

causes of suicidal distress include psychological, environmental and social

factors. Mental illness is the leading risk factor for suicide. Suicide risk factors

vary with age, gender, ethnic group, family dynamics and stressful life events.

According to a 2016 fact sheet distributed by the National Institute of Mental

Health, research shows that risk factors for suicide include depression and other

mental disorders, and substance-abuse disorders (often in combination with other

mental disorders). More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have these

risk factors. The risk for suicide frequently occurs in combination with external

circumstances that seem to overwhelm at-risk people who are unable to cope with

the challenges of life because of predisposing vulnerabilities such as mental

disorders. Suicide is a relatively rare event, and it is difficult to accurately predict

which persons with these risk factors will ultimately commit suicide. 

As we got to the hospital, three nurses carefully put him into the

emergency bed. It was saddening to think that I had celebrated my first night of

the year at the hospital. I couldn’t act normal. It was exactly 10:03 pm when the

doctor updated us with his condition.

"Your father is in 50-50 state. We need to operate him, as soon as possible."

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
 My heart and mind were trembling that time. The parents of my father

entered the room with a look of disappointment. They wrapped me with their

arms, and asked what happened. I narrated the story with a calm voice.

Love is number one reason for suicide: experts say

Love may be the first thing that a person considers when entering a

relationship, but it is also the number one reason why one commits suicide, a

marriage and family counselor said. Citing studies and personal experience with

patients, Maribel Dionisio of Love Institute Philippines said love -- or lack of love

-- is usually what causes a person to decide to end his or her life. Dionisio made

the statement as two suicide killings in separate malls in a span of a week sent

security experts and parents into a frenzy. "More specifically, the risk of suicide

among divorced men was over twice as likely as that of married men, whereas in

women, there was no statistical difference in married and divorced women." Men

experiencing a divorce have a higher suicide rate than women

Here’s the story behind the bloody night:

It started when I abruptly discovered that mom had a forbidden affair with another

man that had begun on the internet. In point of fact, I caught her cheating for the

fourth time. I questioned her several times, but she kept on refusing to admit the

truth, the reality. Every lie was a new wound, a new scar added to the collection

of my emotional pain. I could barely grasp that it was the beginning of the

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
suffering and the endless grief that was store for me. At first, I tried to conceal her

for the sake of our family. In all honesty, never did I imagine to live in a broken

family. And for this reason, I shut my mouth off. 

I was dumb, terrified and confused. 

Still, I kept everything inside my own universe. Again, I convinced myself

that the guy was just another friend of her. If being a mute was the only way to

save this family, then I'd do it.

The night of October 09, 2017, papa earnestly queried me why he cannot

send messages to my mom's messenger. As I manipulated the phone, I was

blindsided to find out that he was blocked by my mom. At that moment, I can't

find the right words to explain everything to papa. This time, I felt a sharp pain in

my chest. It was unbearable. If I had explained it, I would've wasted my time to

make everything easy to understand. He's not a tech geek. Promptly, the tears

burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I could see on his

gesture that he was clueless why I cried heavily. 

"Mama has another man in Qatar,"

Without a second, I said those words unconsciously. Perhaps I was too

tired to hide everything to him.

Papa constrained to paint a sweet smile on his face, and said, 

"I know everything. I just don't want you and your brother to know this. If only I

didn't allowed her to go in there, it wouldn't happen. I am sorry that I failed to

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BSE III-Englsih
keep this family." His voice sounded more pained than anything. We both wept in

the midst of the night. Perhaps these salty drops would help us to mend our

broken souls.

I could see in his eyes that he was trying to be strong to face it gallantly.

After the dramatic session, we decided to cut our communication with her.

Every day then, we, my brother and I, were always showing how much we

love our dad. We made cards. We gave gifts. We sent everyday sweet messages.

Every day is a new chance to get things right, to sow the seeds of love. We need

to adjust. We need to move forward. We need to accept that there are certain

things in life that we could never control. Life must go on even though we've been

hurt. We must find ways to get through it.

But when November 28th of 2017 came, someone knocked three times on

the door in the middle of the night. I felt strange. I felt uncomfortable. I knew it. It

was her . . . my mother. Only my brother enveloped her tightly. But I just locked

myself in a dusky room, and ignored her. My eyes began to swell, and turned red.

"We are okay now. I hope she would disappear now," I murmured indignantly.

With each passing day, she tried to get our hearts again. She exerted much

effort to be a hands-on mother to us like doing the laundry, ironing our clothes,

preparing breakfast and other chores that a typical mothers do. On my special day,

she heartily prepared a simple celebration which I celebrated with my classmates.

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BSE III-Englsih
Thereafter, we, including my father, had forgiven her. The pain vanished as we

hugged each other. Everyone deserves a chance. Perhaps giving her a chance

would make everything right.

But I thought everything was already perfect. I was deceived by sudden

happiness. On the 30th day of December, I caught him talking to a man via

messenger’s videocall outside the house. I thought she has already changed, but I

was wrong. A pair of tears raced down my cheeks as I went to my room. I

couldn't explain what I was feeling that time. My heart was badly hurt. Again, I

was terrified to ruin our family so I closed my mouth off.

As we celebrated the New Year’s Eve, happiness unleashed the

brokenness inside me. I tried to forget what I have accidentally discovered, all the

pain.

And after the night of happiness, glee turned into tragedy. I was tormented

by a memory that could not be changed and forgotten.*

I spent one week and a day in the hospital.

“He needs five bags of blood,“ the doctor said.

“It was depression who tried to kill your father,” he added with a gloomy face.

I asked for help in my college classmates, but no one was capable of donating.

After a day, lot of my papa’s friends visited him, and donated blood.

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih
 Research has consistently shown a strong link between suicide and

depression, with 90% of the people who die by suicide having an existing mental

illness or substance abuse problem at the time of their death. A major cause of

suicide is mental illness, very commonly depression. People feeling suicidal

are overwhelmed by painful emotions and see death as the only way out, losing

sight of the fact that suicide is a permanent "solution" to a temporary state—most

people who try to kill themselves but live later say they are glad they didn't die.

Depression and depressive illnesses are classified as mood disorders in the

medical field, including everything from Major Depression to Dysthymia. They

have a number of symptoms that affect people socially, occupationally,

educationally, interpersonally, etc. A person living with depression does not

always have the same thoughts as a healthy person. This chemical imbalance can

lead to the person not understanding the options available to help them relieve

their suffering. Many people who suffer from depression report feeling as though

they’ve lost the ability to imagine a happy future, or remember a happy past.

Often they don’t realize they’re suffering from a treatable illness, and seeking

help may not even enter their mind. Emotions and even physical pain can become

unbearable. They don’t want to die, but it’s the only way they feel their pain will

end. It is a truly irrational choice. Suffering from depression is involuntary, just

like cancer or diabetes, but it is a treatable illness that can be managed.

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BSE III-Englsih
 We patiently waited outside the operating room. After couples of hours,

the doctor approached us and said,

“The operation is successful. He just needs three days to rest."

Tragedies often surprise us. Sometimes it’s not always right to fix

something broken. I couldn’t deny that until now I am still in the process of

moving on. It takes time to fully mend a broken soul. But today, it’s time to start

my life anew, and trust the magic of beginnings. The world may bring deep

darkness, but the fear evaporates when we believe that our stories were written by

the same hand.

G-yan D. Mamuyac
BSE III-Englsih