Family Fusion:

Exploring the Motivation for Step Parent

Adoption
Shána M. Winbush
 Family Fusion, 2

Family Fusion:
Exploring the Motivation for Step Parent Adoption

Omari Dane, a 5-year-old boy, has always been revered as someone with a special spirit.

Born to a 19-year-old single mother, Omari was abandoned by his young father before birth. At

one month old, Omari's mother, Chante, lost her job and apartment and had barely any money to

survive. Chante had grown up as a foster child and though she knew her biological family quite

well, they had often proven to be unreliable, and at times, even unwilling to help. Having

nowhere else to turn, Chante called on Omari's paternal grandmother, Janet, for help. The two

single mothers had formed a bond during Chante's pregnancy and Janet felt sorry for Chante's

situation and guilt for her son's behavior.

Over the next two years, Janet would serve as a supplemental parent figure in Omari's

life. She stayed up during most late nights with Omari, accompanied Chante on doctor's visits

and baby sat while Chante got her life back on track by enrolling in college and working full

time. Omari's father, Brandon, a full time college student himself, contributed no monetary

support and barely saw Omari during home visits in between semesters, though most times,

Omari would be at Janet's house.

Meanwhile, during a lunch break in between classes one day, Chante met and fell in love

with her study partner, Don. Although Don was fully aware of Chante's one and a half year old

son, it wasn't until three months later, when the couple decided to become exclusive, that he was

actually allowed to meet Omari. The promising young man, who was also the same age as

Brandon, was instantly stunned by Omari's vivid personality and ability to speak in full sentences

and carry a respectable conversation with and adult before he was even potty trained. Don often

tried to view the entire situation from all sides but could not understand why Brandon was so
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mean toward Chante and absolutely refused to love and care for Omari no matter what the

situation was. After one year of courting, Don and Chante decided to get married.

One Sunday evening while the newly merged family opened toys Omari received during

the birthday party Don helped Chante give for Omari's third birthday, Omari asked Don to hand

him a toy off of the floor , but ended his request with one simple, yet astounding word: "Daddy."

Both astonished and extremely curious, Chante asked Omari why he called Don "Daddy."

Omari's explanation was one that made very much sense. Omari elucidated for the young couple

that, "Real daddies are the ones who stay at home with the mommy and baby and help take care

of them and play with them, and Brandon is just my daddy-daddy because you tell me so."

Omari had made it very cleared that he revered Don as his true father and Chante had no way of

arguing with that. After having a thorough discussion, Chante and Don decided explore the

possibility of Don adopting Omari as his own because Omari had demonstrated that he had

absolutely no emotional connection with Brandon, and that masculine support and total family

connection was something he definitely needed, especially given that the two were now

expecting a child of their own together. Step parents often decide to adopt their stepchildren for a

number of reasons varying from abandonment by the absent biological parent, when the

stepchild has been abused by the omitted biological parent and lastly and often unfortunate cases

in which the noncustodial parent has passed on.

Adoption from Absent Parent

"An absent parent is one of the main reasons that a step parent adopts the children,"

(Hawkins, 2009). Especially in cases where the custodial parent has remarried during the child's

toddler years, many step parents have built a very deep bond with the child, and feels sorry that

that child is missing out on the love of two equally caring parents. Often times when a marriage
 Family Fusion, 4

is established with existing children, the parent who takes full responsibility for the child will

want to provide a higher feeling of stability for his/her child by granting the step parent certain

rights to teaching, caring for and even disciplining the child. Doing this teaches the child to take

positive authority outside of the natural parent seriously, and helps them in settings such as

school and, eventually, the work force. In instances where a merged family welcomes a shared

sibling, the spouse of the biological parent to both children will consider adopting their stepchild

in hopes to send the message that he/she cares about that child just as much as they care about

their own. This will prevent further feelings of abandonment in the pre-existing child and ensue

more family bonding. When Omari's younger sister was born, because he had built a bond with

Don, Omari felt as if he and Don were even more "related" because now they shared someone

who meant the world to both of them. Omari also assumed that the connection he witnessed

between Don and the new baby was now the same connection he shared with Don himself,

simply because Don was now the dad to both of them.

Adoption from Abusive Parent

"When one parent has been physically or sexually abusive, the courts will sometimes take

the rights of the offending parents away. This leaves the children better off but minus one parent.

A step parent can fill that void (Hawkins, 2009)." Step parents who join broken families where

either the remaining biological parent and child has been abused, or the child alone has suffered

from some form a abuse by the absent parent, feel that it is their responsibility to provide

reassurance for their new spouse and step child. The stepparent will work hard to build the trust

of that child by doing positive activities that the child had never experienced before. Assisting

the remaining natural parent in changing their model for discipline demonstrates to the child that

the abuse they had endured before was not normal and will never happen to them again. When
 Family Fusion, 5

raised in dark surroundings, children often anticipate the day when someone (anyone, really) will

come along and save them. With those hopes reigning high within the child's set of priorities, the

child will sometimes determine within their own mind if the person is fit to be their new parent

or not before anything becomes official. If and when the parent and step parent's relationship

progresses, it is because the child has already begun to trust the step parent. If not, the

relationship would not progress to marriage because the untrusting child will be gravely afraid of

anyone who intimidates them in any way, thus causing the custodial parent to cease further

pursuit of the relationship. After the child 'approves' of their new parent, they often are afraid

that the new step parent will not like them, as their abusive non-custodial didn't. Therefore, being

accepted by someone who appears to be more positive gives the child a new confidence and

teaches them how to truly love people they are not blood related to. Doing this also leads to

building an even stronger bond than if the child had not been abused, because now the child

views the stepparent as their hero, or person who has given them a "happy ending," by saving

them from a terrible situation.

Adoption from Deceased Parent

To say that cases where a step parent has to adopt as a result of the death of the biological

parent are unfortunate, would actually prove to be untrue. Step parents who choose to adopt their

spouse's children after the death of their natural parent give the child a second chance at having

that parent there, after that parent has been taken away at no fault of their own. This helps

children who are inexperienced with tragedies understand that not only are people sometimes

taken away unexpectedly, and even often times without explanation, but from time to time, good

people are also sent to help make life better. After becoming familiar with the grief that child and

the surviving parent has gone through, the step parent will decide that it is time to give the
 Family Fusion, 6

children something back that they lost. Doing this will also show as a tremendous gesture

towards proving how much they are dedicated to the child and the surviving parent. This also

restores whatever stability that may have been lost and reassures the child that life does go on,

and in fact may get better, after such a tremendous tragedy has occurred.

In summary, there are more reasons than the obvious that step parents choose to make

their parental relationship legal and official. Step parents adopt their stepchildren for a number of

reasons ranging from abandonment by the absent biological parent, abuse by the absent

biological parent and to replace a deceased parent. Replacing an neglectful parent replaces the

child's feelings of rejection with those of acceptance and purpose and also teaches the child to

accept positive authority from an adult figure other than the custodial parent. Adopting a child

that has been previously abused bestows a ray of hope in a child who has a battered self esteem

and ability to trust others. Filling a void that has been created with the loss of a biological

parent's death also gives the step parent more of a feeling of belonging within that parent's new

family. Furthermore, adopting a step child who has lost one of their parents suggests a permanent

dedication to the family, particularly the child and his/her feelings during the transition. Either

way you look at it, if the natural custodial parent has chosen someone that cares for step their

children as they would their own, it could only be beneficial that the step parent take the proper

steps in making the bond a legal one, thus further fusing the family together as one unit, as

opposed to having several separate entities within the same household. This, of course, is given

that the non-custodial parent is either virtually, or in fact completely non-existent. The American

culture as a whole is saturated with broken families which proves the need for more fusion in the

future. Instead of constantly pointing out to step parents their lack of input in the biological

process, including them as the only option (when appropriate) for the second parent in the
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household will give the child a chance at having a two parent household when this would not

have been other wise and provide a more stabilized and positive environment for children to be

raised in, thus presenting the proper foundation for the morals, principles and values that should

be carried on into adulthood, in turn breaking a negative cycle and producing a more productive

society as a whole in the future. After all, isn't having the perfect family with vast achievements

what the American dream is all about?

References
 Family Fusion, 8

Hawkins, Delores. (July 31, 2009). Adoption: Why Some Step Parents Adopt Their Step

Children. Retrieved September 24,2009 from Associated Content

Website:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1993254/adoption_why_some_step_parents_adopt.ht

ml?cat=25