Linda Bolton-Holder

Broken Homes Don’t Have to Mean Broken Children

I know, I know, he is such a jerk and a waste of space, which is why you are no

longer with him. Nevertheless, unless he poses a real threat to your children, I would

think twice about sabotaging his relationship with the children that you brought into the

world together. He may be the world’s worst husband/partner/boyfriend, but that doesn’t

mean he is automatically the world’s worst father. Just because you don’t love him

anymore, doesn’t mean your children can or will turn off their feelings. In fact, just by

asking (or demanding) a child to reject someone that they love will likely backfire. The

child will grow to resent you for asking them to do something that they just don’t know

how to do.

The desired result of raising children is to send out healthy, well-adjusted adults

into the world and you can’t do that if you keep undermining their foundations. Those

foundations are you and their father. Both of you contributed genetic material to create

these human beings and each new human being is a make-up of characteristics, both

positive and negative, from each of you. By pointing out the negative characteristics, you

are focusing on all that is wrong with the child, your child. The child that you love,

despite her or his flaws.

It is far from easy, trust me, I know. I can’t count all the times when I had to grit

my teeth when my darlings came home to tell me all about daddy. I was often so jealous,

not that my children had a wonderful time without me and not even because they had that

wonderful time with someone that refused to give me the time of day. I was jealous

because my children were singing his praises and I couldn’t remember them ever getting

that excited about me. It hurts when you feel taken advantage of, but then again, these
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sweet angels would probably behave in the same way even if I were still happily married

to their hero. I acknowledged the feelings I was having were my weakness and my

problem, not their father’s and definitely not theirs. Instead, I celebrated the fact that my

children were happy and loving. Moreover, they were happy and loving because they

were loved and cherished by both their parents. Today they are grown and one of them

has children of her own. And the best reward of all, my daughter (politely) advised her

father’s new wife that the parenting advice that she offered contradicted my daughter’s

parenting values — values and skills that she learned from her mother — her mother that

did a great job, thank you very much. And the icing on the cake, my ex nodded and said,

“She sure did alright with you.”

So, what did I do that worked? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Don’t criticize your ex in your children’s hearing. Most of what you find

distasteful about your ex is completely irrelevant to his relationship with his children. In

fact, most of it is none of their business. Moreover, don’t be afraid to let your ex know

that you expect him to protect his children from hearing disparaging remarks about their

mother. I told my ex he was free to bad mouth me anytime he wanted, but when our

children were present, I was no longer his ex-wife, I was his children’s mother and we

were both responsible for protecting our children.

2. Point out your ex’s positive traits, particularly those that the child

inherited. This is especially important if your children do learn, first hand, that their

father has some major flaws. Maybe the child inherited those flaws as well, but instead of

berating the child about it, you can help the child to turn the negative into a positive. He

has a mouth on him, just like his momma or she is stubborn, just like her daddy, but oh
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my, he has an angelic voice when he sings and she never gives up until she masters a new

skill.

3. Make is easy for your child to access their father, if possible. When my

marriage ended, I moved nine hours away for sixteen months. It was always meant to be

a temporary arrangement. To make it as easy as possible for the children to connect with

their father, I purchased an unlimited long-distance phone plan and told the children that

they could call their dad anytime and they did not need to ask for permission first. This

also paid off major dividends. Now that they are adults, they frequently call me, just to

chat.

4. Take your children shopping for holiday and birthday gifts for their father.

Do this even if he doesn’t reciprocate. This isn’t about the present, it is about the love the

child has for their parents. When my children were young, I would help them pick

something out and pay for it. When they got older, I gave them a ‘Christmas allowance’

to do their holiday shopping. I still treasure the thoughtful gifts that they picked out for

me during those expeditions.

5. Don’t assume that a father who doesn’t pay child support doesn’t care or

love his children. Let him love his children even if he doesn’t honour his financial

obligations, the two are not linked. He likely sees the obligation as one to you, not to the

children.

6. Insist that your children always respect their father (and his new partner if

applicable). Once again, this isn’t about whether or not, he or his new partner is

deserving of respect, it is about your children and the type of person you want them to be

when they grow up. If you give your child permission to disrespect their father or his new
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wife, you are also giving them permission to disrespect you and even themselves. I love

that my children are able to stand up for themselves without being obnoxious creatures

and I love that they are respected by their father and most other people in their lives.