4 O'Clock

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/20108098.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Noli Me Tangere & Related Works - José Rizal
Relationship: Juanito Pelaez/Placido Penitente
Character: Juanito Pelaez, Placido Penitente
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe -
College/University, Light Angst, Possibly Unrequited Love, Late Night
Conversations, Sharing a Bed, Sharing Clothes, Coming Out, too much
use of the word "4am", Placido and Juanito both think too much and
say too little, Brief cameo of Mcdo Iced Coffee, english narration filipino
dialogue, too much personification of 4am
Stats: Published: 2019-08-04 Words: 1535

4 O'Clock
by covertdismalness

Summary

This surely wasn’t their first 4am, but Juanito was almost certain that maybe this is a more
different 4am, because, for the first time, he reached his hand out to grip at Placido’s wrist.

Juanito should’ve thought this through. But then again, he reasons to himself, could he have
even been able to at 4am?

(or Juanito has probably never been to a sleepover, specially to a sleepover with his crush)

Notes
See the end of the work for notes

Why does every bizarre thing happen in 4am in the morning?

Things weren’t as simple as that. Juanito’s relationship with sleep was a weird and strained
relationship. He could just accidentally fall asleep at 8 as soon as his body hits the bed, or he could
sleep at 1am after working all night, or he just doesn’t sleep at all.

Placido probably even thinks that Juanito just slacks off whenever he sleeps in class.

And that brings Juanito back to the perpetrator of all things. 4am should be illegal for the great yet
unlikely duo of Pelaez and Penitente.
“Grabe, parang makakatulog ka na.” Placido off-handedly commented, watching as Juanito’s eyes
blink open and close as he intently stared at a book. “Mukha kang lasing.”

Soft laughter followed after that but Juanito couldn’t join in on the fun, because this fun clearly
meant making fun. Making fun of him. He stifled a yawn.

Placido wasn’t laughing anymore. He weakly smiles as his tired hands start collecting his books
and materials, a heavily practiced and unspoken-of routine of him going home after hours and
hours of their study session in Juanito’s condo unit.

Study session comprised mostly of Juanito being distracted and not studying, him and Placido
eating and chatting when things get boring, Juanito asking Placido a bunch of questions, Placido
explaining a bunch of things, and Juanito pretending to read as Placido actually does.

This surely wasn’t their first 4am, but Juanito was almost certain that maybe this is a more
different 4am, because, for the first time, he reached his hand out to grip at Placido’s wrist.

“Ah, teka, pwede ka naman sigurong matulog nalang dito muna.” Surely Juanito wasn’t right in
the head this 4am, surely there was something in the McVanilla McIced McCoffee he and Placido
had earlier, surely this 4am was a hallucination, because if Juanito could look closer (even closer,
even closer, even closer) at Placido, he could see how he was considering the offer.

“Sure ka ba? ‘Di pa naman ako inaantok, makakauwi ako ng ayos.”

“Oo,” Juanito was definitely delirious, “ayos— ayos lang. For sure. Wala naman akong problema
at— at malaki kama ko kasi masyadong malaki yung unit na nabili ni dad.”

Placido narrows his eyes, silently challenging Juanito. “Seryoso, Placidings, okay lang.”

“Tanga ka ba o masyado ka lang inaantok? Wala akong damit.”

“Edi ipapahiram kita ng akin… Unless ayaw mo talaga?”

Silence.

Juanito had surely lost his mind because he thinks he heard Placido say yes. He looks expectantly
at Placido to confirm again.

“Hay nako,” Placido sighs “Oo na nga. Kahit ano, bahala ka na.”

Bizarre things happen in Juanito’s life, but it’s never at the light of day. It was almost as if the
universe is telling him that there must be no other witness other than him, and dare he say that it’s
a bit selfish and unfair.

After a long argument that Placido should sleep on the bed too because of Juanito’ messy couch,
Placido first showers (in his bathroom, his bathroom, his bathroom). Juanito showers next and
emerges to Placido awkwardly sitting by the edge of the bed, a book in hand. Almost as if he was
trying to distract himself from everything by studying.

Juanito sleepily rubs his eyes as he stumbles into the bed, “Hindi ka pa ba inaantok?”

“Parang gulat na gulat ka ah? As if naman first time kong magpuyat.”

“Wala lang. Inaantok na ako eh.”

“Hindi ibig sabihin non na aantukin na rin ako.” Placido gives him a light-hearted (yet tired) smile.
They both lie down. On the same bed. Juanito lying down next to his bestfriend, slash, crush, slash
person he’s in love with that probably doesn’t feel the same way.

Juanito should’ve thought this through. But then again, he reasons to himself, could he have even
been able to at 4am?

They face the ceiling in silence, afraid to move an inch. Placido’s quiet steady breathing made
Juanito realize that he had been holding his in for some time. Almost as if he was nervous.

Juanito wonders if Placido would’ve agreed to sleep here if he had known that he liked him.

It was Placido who moved first, facing his back to Juanito. “Sanay na akong late matulog, kaya ‘di
ako agad agad inaantok.”

“Ano ginagawa mo ng gantong oras ng gabi?”

“Nag-aaral.” Juanito moved to also lie down on his sides. Placido would definitely feel the bed
shifting.

“Lang?”

A silence followed Juanito’s question. Juanito could’ve fallen asleep then and there, his eyes
dangerously drooped lower and lower.

What had he gotten himself into this night?

Juanito wonders if Placido would’ve agreed to sleep here if he had known that he was gay.

Did Placido even know that he was gay? He doesn’t even remember coming out to him, or maybe
he was just too sleepy to remember. He was maybe about 75% sure that he hadn’t come out yet,
not like he knew how percentages worked at this point.

“Paminsan, nag-iisip lang. Pero parating mag-isa.”

Juanito didn’t know what to respond at this point so he let the conversation die. He briefly
wondered if Placido would be able to sleep tonight at all.

“Bakit mo ako,” a beat, “pinatulog dito?”

Juanito’s body tensed a bit. He desperately hoped to God (if he was even out there) that Placido
wouldn’t notice.

Would Placido be disgusted if he had found out that Juanito was gay? Would things have been any
different?

For a moment, Juanito considers what would’ve happened if Juanito confessed then and there, if he
said that he’d been in love with Placido for so long he had forgotten when it started, that maybe for
one delirious night, he could’ve pretended that he had a chance.

But these are the thoughts that 4am wouldn’t consider, no matter how absurd the situation was;
Juanito lying next to his bestfriend who’s wearing his clothes, faced back to back, in his bed, in his
condo unit, in the dark.

God, he was so sleepy.

His answer must’ve taken so long. “Hindi ko rin alam eh. Siguro trip ko lang, siguro masyado
akong inantok, siguro ito talaga ginagawa ng 4am sa mga tao.” He must’ve said too much because
Placido didn’t say anything. “Bakit ka pumayag?”

“Pinapayag mo ‘ko.”

“Okay.” Juanito uncomfortably shifts around a bit, careful not to touch Placido at all (maybe a bit
afraid that Placido would be repulsed). His voice gets softer and more sleepy, “Ano mga iniisip mo
ng ganitong oras?”

Ah!— Teka!

4am makes you ask dumb questions just like that. Juanito thinks that he can definitely die at 4am,
in fact, he gladly would. His sleep-intoxicated and hazy state of mind must’ve made a mistake to
ask that, but it was too late to take back.

Not like 4am will allow you to.

It took quite a while, Juanito thinks that he had probably fallen asleep when he finally heard
Placido’s soft voice. Was his voice soft because he spoke softer? Or was it because Juanito had
already fallen asleep?

“Marami. Buhay. Iniisip ko buhay ko. Kung ano gagawin ko, kung ano ginagawa ko.”

A beat. And another. Placido also probably thought that Juanito had gone to sleep. He continued to
speak.

“Masyado akong nag-aalala. Pero iba sa pag-aalala mo. Napapatahimik ako, napapatigil ako sa
kaba, na para bang ‘di ako makagalaw. Parang ‘di ako makagalaw sa sarili kong buhay. At
napapagod na ako. Minsan iniisip ko kung gaano na ako kapagod mag-isip nang mag-isip. Kung
gaano na ako kapagod mabuhay. Pero wala akong magagawa, kasi hindi ako makagalaw.”

Placido shifts, lying down on his back and facing the darkness. It was quiet and still in the
bedroom, except for the sounds of cars moving past. “Hay nako, bakit mo ba kasi ako pinatulog
dito. Pero buti’t ‘di ako mag-isa,” he says to Juanito, not expecting a reply. The darkness was
enough of a response for Placido. “Kung umasta ka parang ako lang laging pagod o nag-aalala.
Napapansin ko rin kaya pag nag-aalala ka. Hindi ka mapakali, hindi tulad ko… Ikaw, ano kayang
mga iniisip mo ng ganitong oras?”

At this point, Juanito was very certain that this is a more different 4am.

Juanito didn’t fully understand every single thing Placido had said, his muddled mind clung on
Placido’s every word after word after everything. He didn’t know what to say, but he was sure he
hadn’t thought it through properly yet. Half-asleep, he didn’t even have his eyes open as he spoke
softly into the darkness before promptly fully falling asleep.

“Placidings— alam mo namang bakla ako diba?”

Juanito had long accepted the moment he got in bed that his life was meant to simultaneously begin
and fall apart at 4am.

4am was that time that made you feel as if the world didn’t exist and that anything you said or
thought wouldn’t have any repercussion. 4am could make you feel the most alive yet the most
dead. There were things that Juanito and Placido were sure they shouldn’t have said or thought, but
hey, those were the exact things that 4am would wash up to the very back of your mind and make
you forget.
End Notes

Ah shit, here we go again. I wrote this so many months ago at 4am, I initially wanted to
publish it on Pride Month but I just didn't have the guts for that. It's my first time to do the
English narration Filipino dialogue thing, 'di ko lang talaga siguro kakayanin kung full
Filipino yung gagawin ko, mawawala yung nuances na inintend ko. Hope you enjoyed it
though

As usual, my grammar is not perfect, please comment if you spot anything!

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!