4 Goals of Misbehavior in Kids [updated!

]
by Brenna Hicks
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I came across a sheet of paper in my files a while back that has a

chart about children’s behaviors and parent interactions as a result of
those behaviors. [update – credit: Austrian psychiatrist and
educator, Rudolf Dreikurs ] I actually have no idea where I got it or
who might have given it to me, but I found myself reading it and
thinking, “Wow, this is exactly what I observe with the kids and
parents at my office.” So, here is an overview of the four goals of
misbehavior in kids that were described on the sheet and play
therapy skills to address each one.

1. Attention
This goal is rooted in the child’s faulty belief that, “I belong only
when I get noticed or acknowledged.” The parent is typically annoyed
by this behavior, and reacts by reminding or coaxing the child about
the attention seeking behavior. The child usually responds by
temporarily stopping the behavior, but then later resumes the same
behavior or begins to disturb in another way.

Play Therapy response

The play therapy principle that best applies in this scenario is a  burst
of attention . In an effort to communicate to the child that he is
important and doesn’t need to seek attention in unhealthy ways, you
can offer a burst of attention at random times throughout the day.
When you child is vying for your attention, plan to offer full,
undivided attention to him for 30 seconds. Get on his level and allow
him to have your focused time. This communicates that you devote
time to him when he asks for it.
2. Power
This goal is rooted in the child’s faulty belief that, “I belong only
when I am in control or bossy, or when I am proving that no one can
boss me.” Parents are typically angered by this behavior or provoked
due to feeling that their authority is being threatened. They react by
fighting with the child or giving in to what the child wants. The child
usually responds with passive-aggressive behavior that intensifies, or
submits with defiant compliance.

Play Therapy response

The play therapy principle that best applies in this scenario is  choice
giving . Children are often not given choices about anything in their
lives, and therefore fight for power and control because they perceive
that they have none. In an effort to reduce the need for power
struggling, you can offer choices to the child consistently. You can let
the child choose which shirt to wear each morning (“You can choose
the red shirt or the blue shirt; which do you choose?”) or which snack
to eat after school (“You can choose to have grapes or a granola bar;
which do you choose?”). This allows the child to feel a measure of
control in everyday situations so that they are less likely to fight for
it.

3. Revenge
This goal is rooted in the child’s faulty belief that, “I belong only by
hurting others as I feel hurt, and I cannot be loved.” Parents are
typically hurt deeply by this behavior, and react by retaliating or
trying to get even. The child typically responds by seeking further
revenge through intensified behavior, or by choosing another
weapon.
Play Therapy response
The play therapy principle that best applies in this scenario is  limit
setting . Children react when they perceive that no one understands
them or they do not receive validation of their feelings. Much of this
reaction is addressed by setting a limit on the revenge, while still
acknowledging the child’s feelings. You then offer an alternative to
the revenge behavior that is acceptable. “I know that you are angry
right now that you couldn’t go outside, but saying ‘I hate you’ is not
something that we say to each other. You can choose to tell me that
you are mad at me, or you can choose to yell into your pillow.”
4. Display of Inadequacy
This goal is rooted in the child’s faulty belief that, “I belong only by
convincing others not to expect anything from me, and that I am
unable and helpless.” Parents typically feel despair and hopelessness
and want to give up. They react by agreeing with the child that
nothing can be done. The child typically responds passively, and
shows no improvement with whatever is done.
Play Therapy response
The play therapy principle that best applies in this scenario
is encouragement . Children are praised in the majority of their
interactions with adults, but once they have given up on behaving
appropriately it becomes very difficult to do so. Encouragement can
be offered for any attempt, no matter how small. Encouragement
focuses on effort and helps the child learn to feel proud of himself.
“You remembered to bring your backpack.” or “You kept trying even
though it was hard to figure that out.”
Knowing why your children misbehave is a huge piece of the
parenting puzzle. Taking it to the next level with recognizing how it
impacts your feelings and reactions helps you to better respond,
rather than react. Finally, having play therapy skills in your tool belt
gives you the confidence that you can effectively handle any behavior
that your child exhibits.

https://www.thekidcounselor.com/2017/02/four-goals-misbehavior-kids/