MA R T IN E S ’

HAND BOOK OF -
ETIQ UETTE,

TENESS
GUIDE TO TRUE POLI .

A COMP LET E MANUAL FOR THO SE W HO D E SIRE To UNDERS T AN D T HE

RUL ES O F GOOD BREE DING , THE CUS TOMS O F GOO D S OCIET Y ,

AND T o AVOID IN CO RRECT AND V UL GAR HABITS,

CO NT A IN IN G

C lear and Com rehe nsie e D irections Together w ith th e E tiqu ette of the B al l
f or Correct Manners,Dress,a nd a nd A ss emb ly R oo m, E v eni ng
P asties
Ins tm cfio ns fo r Good B eh a vior a t Department in the Street and wh en
Di n/h er P arti es ,a nd th e Ta b le, T ra v elli ng ;
wi th Hints on th e A rt of Gamin g A nd th e Us a g es to b e O bs erv ed w he n
a nd Tak ing Wi ne a t Ta b le ; Vis iting or R ecs/l owl y Ca lls .

TO W HIC H IS A DD E D

T HE ETIQ UETT E O F CO UR TS HI P ,MA RR IA G E,D O MES TI C D UT IES,

’

AND F I F T Y S IX-
R U L E S T O BE O RSER V E D IN

G ENERAL SO CI ET Y .

B Y AR R T IN E .

O Ow “,

D IC K F IT Z G E R A L D , P U B L IS HE R S .
 CO NT ENT S .

T h e Art o f Co n v r ation
e s .

G eneral R ule s fo C nv r ati

r o e s on
0

O n Dre s s

Intro ductio n s

L etters o fIn tro du

ctio n

Dinner Parties

Etiquette o f th e B all and Ass emb ly B o om

E v ning Parti s
e e

Visiting .

Stre et Etiq uette

”
1

D o me stic Etiquette an d Duties

O n G eneral So ciety
 GENERAL OBSERVATIONS .

P Oe ENEss hasbeen defined as an artificial goo d na -

ture b ut it would be better said that goo d nature is natural

-

p o litenes
. s I t in spires us with an u nremitting attention , both
to please others and to avoid giv ing them offence Its code .

is a ceremonial,a greed upo n and established among man

\

k ind ,to g ive each o the r external testimonies o f fri e ndship

or respect P o liteness and etiquette form a sort o f supple
.

ment to the law,which enables society to protect its elf

against o ff enc es which th e law cannot touch For instance ,
.

th e law cannot p uni sh a man for h abituall y staring at peo

.

solent and annoying manner,b ut etiquette can

banish such an o ffender frOm the circles of good society,
and fix upon h im the bran d of v ulgarity . E tiquette con
sists in certain forms,c ere m onies ,and rul es which th e
ri nciple o f p o litenes s establishes and enforces for the
p
regul ation of the manners of men and women in their

intercourse with each other .

Many unthinking persons c o nsider the observanc e Of

etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly,as ns is ting of
unmeaning forms ,practiced o nl y b yith e s illy a d the i dl e

a n opinion which arises fro m their not having re fl ected on

th e reas ons that have le d to the establishmen t of certain
rules indispensable to the well being of society,and with
-

udt which ,indeed ,it wo uld inevitably fall to pieces,and

be destroyed .
 GEN ER A L GESER VA TION 8 .

The true ai m of politeness,is to make tho s e with whom

y o u associate as well satisfied with themselves as possible .

It doe s not,by any means ,encourage an impudent self

importance in them ,b ut it does whatev er it can to a e com
mo date their feelings and wishes in social intercourse
, .

P oliteness is a sort of social bene v o lence , which avoids

wo unding th e pride ,o r shocking the prej udi ces of those
‘
-

around yo u .

The principle of politenessis the same among all nations,

b ut the ceremonials which etiquette imposes di ffer a c cord
ing to the taste and habits of vario us countries For .

instance ,many o f the minor r ules of etiquette at Paris

difie r from those at London ;and at New York they may
differ fro m both Paris and L ondon B ut still the polite of
]

every country have about the same manners .

O f the manners and deportment of both ladies and gen

tlemen,we wo ul d remark that a proper consideration for
the welfare and comfort of others will generally lead to a
greater propriety of demeanor than any rules which th e
most rigid master of etiquette could supply T his feeling, .

however,is one that must be cul tivated,for the promptings

o f nature are eminently selfish ,and co urtesy and good

bree di ng are only attainable by e ffort and dis cipline .

B ut even co ur tesy has limi ts where dignity sho ul d govern

it,for when carried to excess ,particularly in manner,it
borders on sycophancy,which is almost as despicable as ,

rudeness . T o o verburden people with attention ;to ren

der them uncomfortable with a pro di gality of proffered
services to insist upon obligations whi ch they do not
desire ,is not o nl y to render yourself di sagreeable , b ut
c ontemptible This defect of manners is partic ul arly prev
.

ale nt in the rural districts ,where the intense e f fort to ;

render a v isitor comfortable has exactly the contrary efiect
'

'

besides ,there are those whose want of refinement and

g o o d breeding often leads them to an u nwarrantab le fami l
iarity, which requires coldness and indifierence to subdue
'

.
 ”
GEN E R A L o a se s VA H eels .
7

Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises ,

especially In co untry towns ,from not knowing what is
“expected, or necessary to be done on certain occasions,
”

resulting sometimes from the pre valence of local customs ,

with which the world in general are not supposed to be
a c quainted . T o do in Rome as the R omans do , applies ”

to every kind of society At the same time ,yo u can never

.

be expected to commit a serio us breach of manners because

yo ur neighbors do so .

B ut wh at yo u shoul d do ,and what not ,in particular

cas es ,yo u will learn in the followi ng chapters I have .

only now to say,that if yo u wish to be agreeable ,which is

‘

ce rtainly a good and religio us desire ,yo u must both study

h o w to be so ,and take the troub le to put your st udi es into
constant practice The fruit yo u will soo n reap Y o u
. .

will be generally lik ed and love d The gratitud e of thos e

.

to whom yo u have devoted yourself will be shown in spe ak

ing well of yo u yo u will be come a desirable ad di tion to
e very party,and whatever yo ur bir th ,fortune ,or position ,
”

m
,
p eop l e will say of y o u, He is a ost agreeab le an d well
bred man and be glad to introduce y o u to good society
” '
.

But y o u will reap a yet reward Y o u will have in

.

y o u rse lf the s atisfaction tro u b le and mad e

sacrifices in order to gi ve pleasure and happiness for th e

time to others How do yo u kno w what grief or care you
.

may not obliterate ,what h umiliation yo u may not alter to

confidence ,what anxiety y o u may not soften ,what—las t,
b t
u re a lly not least — what inten se dullness y o u may no t
enliven If this work assist yo u in b eco min g an agreeable
member of g ood so cie ty,I shall rej oice at the lab or it h as
 THE ART OF CO NVERSAT IO N .

As th e obj ect of
convers ation 1 s pleasure and impro ve
ment ,those subjects only whi ch are of universal interest
can be made legitimate topics of pleasantry or diS OlIS SlO I L
An d it is the gift of expressing t houghts and fancies m a
quick ,brilliant,and graceful manner on Such to pics , o f -

striking o ut new ideas , eliciting the views and opinions

of others,of attaching the interest of all to the subject dis
cussed ,giv ing it,however triflin g in itself,weight and
importance in the estimation of the hearers,that consti
tute s the great talent for versation But
.

can never,we may safely aver,be displayed except in a

good cause,and when con v ersation is carried on In a spirit
of genuine charity and benev olence .

We sho uld meet in society to please and be pleased ,and

“
not to display cold and stately dignity,which is as much
o ut of place ,as all attempt to S hine by a skillful adhe
rence to th e fantastic r ul es of the silver fork schoo l,
-

are pueril e and ludi crous Such little things are great
.

to little persons, who are pro ud of having acquired

by rote ,what the naturally elegant derl v e , l n sufficient
measure ,fro mnaturally j ust feeling .

The power of preserving S ilence 1 S the very first requisite

to all who wish to shine ,or even please 1 n discourse ;and
th ose who cannot preserve it,have really no business to
speak O f cours e,I do not mean the dull,ignorant ,sulky ,
.
 THE AR T OF CON VE RS A TION .
9

s upercilious silence ,of which we see enough in all con

or

science ;b ut the graceful ,wmnmg and eloquent silence .

The silence that,without any d e fere ntial air,listens with

polite attention ,is more flattering than comp liments ,a nd
more frequently broken for the p urpose of encouraging
others to speak ,than to display the listener s own powe rs ’
.

Thi s is the really eloquent silence It requires great gen

.

— —
ius more perhaps than speaking and few are gifted
w ith the tal ent ;b ut it is of s u ch essential advantage ,that
I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take
a S hare in convers ation , and beg they will learn to be

S ilent ,before they attempt to speak .

Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence ,it

must still be exp laine d that there are various modes of b e
ing sil ently rude There is th e r ude S ilence of di sdain
.

o f not hearing ,of not e v en deeming yo ur words deser ving

attention or reply T hese are mi nor and mere passiv e

.

modes of impertinence the direct and active sort of silent

“
rudenes s is to li sten w ith a fixed and attentive stare on the
sp eaker,and witho ut any necessity of raising the eye
— —
brows for that mi ght be precario us show your utter
amazement ,that any one shoul d think of thus addressing
a person of your rank ,wealth ,genius,or greatness There .

are of course vario us styles and degrees in all these modes

o f impertinence ,b ut they all origi nate in the same caus e

ig norance of th e real facility of being rude ,and a wish to

acquire distinction by the prac tice It is i dl e to assert
.

th at every one can be rude if he likes ;for,if such were

the fact ,we sho uld not see hosts of persons belonging to
what is termed good society,seeking fame and renown
b y v ario us sh ades and degrees of mere impertinenc e
;

. .

Never give S hort or S harp answers in ordi nary conversa

tion ,u nless yo u aspire to gain distinction by mere rude
ness fo r they have in fact no merit ,and are only uncivil
“
.

I do not know , I cannot t ell, are the most harmles s

” ”

words possible ,and may yet be rendered very o fiens iv e by

'
 THE AR T OF CO N VE R S A TIO N

the tone and manner in which they are pronounced .

Never reply,in answer to a question lik e the follo wing,

Did Mrs S pitew ell tell yo u how Mis s R osebud s marriage
.
’

was getting en I did not ask It is almost like say

.

ing,I never ask impertinent questions,though yo u do we

learn plenty of thin gs in the world witho ut h a vin g first
inquired about them If yo u must say,yo u di d not ask ,
“ “
.

say,tha y o u forgot to as neglected i or did not

thin k of it
. We can always be ordinarily civil,even if we
cann ot always be absolutely wise .

Except in mere sport and raillery,and where a little

extrav ag anza is the order of the moment ,al ways when y o u

ans wer,or speak in reply to an observation mad e ,s peak ‘

to the true and j ust import of what is said L eave quib

fi
.

blin g of every kind to lawyers plea din g at the bar for the
life of a culprit ;in society and conversation it is inv ariab ly /

o ut of place ,un less when L aughter is going his merry

round At all other times it is a proof of bad bree din g

. .

Y o u must not overstretch a proposition ,neither mus t you

overstretch or spin o ut a j est,that has done its duty for
fe w can be made to rebound after they have once come to
the ground .

An other mode of being rude ,is to collect,and have at

command,all the set phrase s used by unciv il persons,in
order to Say what they fancy very sharp and severe things .

Such a collector, j ealous perhaps of the attention with

“
which a pleas ant guest is listened to ,may break in upon
the most harmless discourse with the words , I think you
lie under a mistake .
”
The term may in itself be harml ess,
b ut its application is at all times rude ,coars e and decidedly

La Bruyere tells us ;that “rudeness

is not a fixed and
inherent vice of the min d ,b ut the result of other vices
it springs , he says, from vanity, ignorance , laz iness
”
.

from being constantly displayed in exterior m

depart ent,
 THE AR T 0p CON VERSA TION .
11

and from bein g thus always visible and manifest and is

o ffensive in character and degree accor ding to the source

from whi ch it takes its rise .

We next come to the loud talk er,the man who silences a

whole party by his sole po wer of lungs All subj ects are .

alike to him he speaks o n ev ery topic with equal fluency,

‘

is never at a loss,quotes high authority for every assertion ,

and allows no one else to utter a word he sil ences ,without
the least ceremony,every attempt at interruption ,however
cleverly managed calls o ut, I beg your pardon , in a
-
”

u - —
tone that shows how ill sed he think s himself, o r shuts
your mouth with O ne,minute , if yo u please ,sir " as ”

much as to say , you are surely a very ill bred fellow -

.

Great ,and especially loud and positive talkers ,have been

deno unced by all writers on manners as shallow and super
ficial persons . And P Andre, the author o f a French
.

Essay on the Beautiful ,declares di stinctly,that no man

o f sense was ever a great talker
’
.

Next to the talker ,we have the man who gi ves an ac

count o f his dogs , horses, lands, books , an d g icture s s .

Whatever is his ,must ,he th ink s ,interest others and lis

ten they must,however resolutely they may attempt to
change the current of his discourse .

Wo men of this class are sometimes too fond of prai si ng

their children It is no doubt an amiable weakness b ut I
.

would still advise them to indulge as little as possi b le in the

practice for however dear the rosy cheeked ,curly headed - -

prattlers may be to them ,the chances are ,tha t others will

ve te the darlings to be great bores yo u th at h av e children ,
never speak of them in company Y o u must not even .

praise your near relations ;for the subject depri ves the
hearer of all power to dissent,and is therefore clearly

In the s ame line is the clever bore ,who takes up every

idl e speech ,to show his wisdom at a cheap rate If you .

s ay, Han g th e weather 1 before such a man,he immedi

”
12 THE AR T or CON VERS A TION .

ately proves ,by logical demonstrations ,that the weather

has no neck by which it can be suspended The grave .

expounder of trmsms belongs to this class He cann ot .

allow the simplest conversation to go on ,without entering

into proofs and details familiar to every child nine years of
age and the tenor of his discourse,however co urteous in

planet,in total and absolute ignorance of the most ordinary

and e v ery day things connected with this little world of
-

ours All forei gners are particularly great at this style of

.

boring .

T hen yo u have the indifferent and apathetic bore,who

hardl y condescends to pay the least attention to what yo u
s ay and who ,if he refrains from the direct and absolute
rudeness of yawning in your face , shows ,by short and

drawling answers,given at fits and starts ,and completely

at variance with the object of the conversation ,that he
affects at least a total indifference to the p arty present ,and
to the subject of discourse In society,the absent man is
‘

uncivil he who afiects to be so ,is rude and v ulgar, All

persons who speak of their ailings ,dise ases,or bo dily infir
mities ,are o fiensiv e bores Subj ects of this sort should be
'

addressed to doctors ,who are paid for listening to them,

'

and to no one else Bad taste is the failing of these bore s

. .

Then we have the ladi es and gentlemen who pay long v isits,
and who ,meeting yo u at the door prepared to sally forth,
keep yo u talking n ear the fire till the beauty of the day is
passed and then take their leave , h O ping they have not
detained yo u Bad feeling or want of tact here pre
.

dominates .

Hobby riders, who constantly speak on the same

-

—
eternal subject, who bore yo u at all times and at all hours,
—whether yo u are in health or in sickness , in spirits
or in sorrow ,with the same endl ess topic ,must no tbe over
looked in o ur list ; though it is s u fil cient to denounce
 THE A rr or CON VERSA TION .
13

them . Their failing is occ as ioned by a total want of j udg

The Ma laprops are also a numerous and un happy family,

for they are constantly addressing the most unsuitable
s peeches to in div i duals or parties T o the blind they will
.

s peak of fine pic tures and scenery and will entertain a

person in deep mourning with the anticipated p leasur e s of
to morrow s ball A total want of ordinary tho ught and
-
’
.

observation,is the general cause of the Malapmp failing .

Let us add to this very imperfect list the pictur e of a

bore described by Swift “ .
“
Nothing, he says , is more ”

generally exploded than the folly of talking too much ,yet "

I rarely remember to have seen fiv e people together,

where some one among them hath not been predominant
in that kin d,to the great constraint and disgust of all the
rest But among such as deal in multitudes of words ,non e
.

are comparable to the s ober ,deliberate talker,who pro

c ee de th with much thought and caution , maketh his
preface ,b ranch eth o ut into several digressions,findeth a
hint that putteth him in min d of another story,which h e
pro mise s to tell yo u wh en thi s 1 s done ,cometh back regu
larly to his subject , cannot readily call to mind some
person s name ,holdeth his head,co mplaine th of his mem
’

ory ;the whole company all this whil e in suspense at las t

says,it is no matter,and so g oes on An d to crown the .

bus iness ,it perhaps proveth at last a story the company

has heard heard fifty times before ,or at best s ome insipid

To this we may add,that your cool,steady talkers ,who

s peak wi th th e care and attention of professors demo n s trat

ing mathematical problems , —who weigh, measure and

—
balance every word they utter, are all decided obj ee tion
ables in society It is nee dless to say,that such persons
.

a
nev e r blunder ,and never stumble over a potato a

matter of little recommendation In conversation there

.

must b e ,as in love and in war,some hazardin g,s ome rat

14 THE AR T or CoN VE RsA T ION .

tling on nor need twenty fall s affect you,so long as yo u

take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides b ut the
careful and measured conversation j ust de scribed is always,
though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious—a
vast blunder from first to last .

“
T here are also many persons who commence speaking
before they know what they are going to say The ill .

natured world,who never mis s an opportunity of being

s evere ,declare them to b e foolish and destitute of brains .

I shall not go so far ;b ut hardly know what we should

think of a sportsman who would attempt to bring down a
ird before he had loaded his g un .

x
, I have p urposely reserved the egotistical bor e for the
las t on this short and imperfect list It is trul y revolting,
.

indeed,to approach the very B o a cons trictor of good s o ci

-

ety ;the snake who co mes upon us ,n o t in th e natural

form of a huge ,coarse ,slow reptil e ,b ut Proteus like ,in a -

thousand different forms though all displaying at the firs t

sight the boa bore ,ready to slime o v
-
t of
disco urse with the v ile saliva of selfish it i s
rep ul sive even to speak of the speci es ,numerous ,too ,as

the sands along the shore .

Some of the clas s mak e no c eremony of immediately

intruding themselves and their affairs on the attention of a
whole party of silencing every other subj ect started,how
ever interesting to the company,merely that they may
"

occupy the prominent and most con s picuous position .

O thers again are more dexterous ,and with great art will lie
on the watch to hook in their own praise They will call .

a witness to remember they always foretold what woul d

hap pen in such a case,b ut none would believe the they m
advised such a man from the beginning,and told him the
consequences j ust as they happen ed ;b ut he would h ave
hi s own way . O thers make a vanity of telling their own
faul ts they are the strangest men in the world ;they can
not diss emb le ;they o wn it is a folly ;they have lost
 THE AR T OF CON VERSA TION .
15

b dance of advantages by it b ut if yo u woul d give them

a un

the world,they ca nnot help it there is something in their

nature that abhors in sincerity and constraint ,wi th many
other insufferable topics of the same altitude T hus , .

though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of

themselves ,it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he
never speaks of himself at all .

L a Bruy ere s ays , T h e great charm of conversation con

’

s ists less in the display of one s own wit and int elligenc e ,

than in the power to draw forth the resources of others ;

he who leaves yo u after a long conversation ,ple ased with
hims elf and the p art he has ta ken in the di scourse,will be
your warmest admirer Men do not care to admire y o u,
.

they wish yo u to be pleased with them they do not seek

for instruction or even amusement from your discourse ,
b ut they do wish yo u to b e m ade acquainted with their
tal ents and powers of conversation ;and the true man of
m
genius will delicately ak e all who come in contact with
h im feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they
have appea red to advantage .
”

I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal

s ilence b ut must inform them that it is not so easy to
s hine in conversation as m any suppose Fluency of tongue
.

and a little modest assurance ,tho ugh very well for impo s

ing on the unwary ,go b ut a short way when yo u h ave to

deal with those who are really worth pleasing .

How can a person s hine by conver ation in elegant and

s

educated society,whose thoughts have never ranged beyond

the gratification of foolish vanity and mean selfishness ;
who h as never refl ected on life ,men and manners whos e
mind has not turned to the con templation of the works and
wonders of nature and who ,in the events of his own time,
h as not seen the results of the many deeds of s or ow, r

shame,greatness ,and glory,that crowd the pages of the

world s variegated annals
’
Whoever woul d s hine in polite
dis course must at least be well versed in the philosophy of
16 THE A R T OF CON VERSA TION '

life , and pos sess a fair acquaintance with general and

,

natural history,and the o utlines of science An d though .

he need be neither a poet n6r an artist,he must be well

read 1 n poetry and acquainted with fine arts beca use it is
only by their study that taste can be cul tivated and fancy
guided A familiarity with the fine arts is necessary,in
.

fact,to give hi m a j ust p erception of the sublime and beau

tiful,the v ery foundation wh ence o ur emotions of delight
x

must arise Any one attempting to s hine in conversation ,

.

without possessing the trifling acquirements here men

tio n e d,—for I have said nothing of learning and scienc e,
will most assure dly make an in difl erent figure ,and had
'

better therefore content himself with simply pleasing b y

unaffected cheerfulness and good humor,whi ch is wi thin
reach of all .

As to subjects for conversation ,what difficulty can there

be about them Will not books,balls ,bonnets and meta
physics furnish pleasant topics of discourse Can yo u not
speak of the
P h ilo s o ph y and s cience ,and th e s prin s g
O fwonder,and th e wis dom o f th e w o rld ?”

Are flirtatio us ,travelin g,love and s p eec h making at an

-

surface so perfectly stationary that yo u c n find nothing to

a
s ay about them No ,no ,let us not decei ve ourselves we
never wa t subjects of conversation b ut we often want the
p '

knowledge how to treat them above all,how to bring

them forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often
want observation and a j ust estimate of character,and do
not know ho w,in the present defective state of society,
‘

any passing remark intended to open a conversation may

“
be received
‘

Cheerfulness,unaffected cheerfulness,a sincere desire to

please and be pleased,unchecked by any efforts to shine ,
are th e qualities yo u must bring with yo u into society,if
18 THE AR T OF CON VERS A TION .

ish his o p1 nl o ns l a perhaps to r eprove his conduct,and no

well bred man go es int e society for the p urpos e of s er
-

mo niz ing .

All local wits,all those whose j ests

nderstood only
are u

within the range of their o wn circle or coterie ,are de cided

o bj ectio nab le s in general soci e ty It is the height of ill
.

breeding,in fact,to convers e ,or jest,on subjects that are

not pe rfectly understood by the party at large ;it is a spe
cies of rude mys tificatio n,as unciv il as whispering,or as
S peaking in lan g uage that ma y not be fami li ar to some of
th e party . B ut yo u must not make a fool of yo urself,ev en
if o thers show themselves deficien tin good manners and
must no t,like inflate d Sl mpleto ns ,fancy yo urself the o b
j ec t of every idl e jest y o u do not u nderstand , or of e v ery
laugh that chance may h ave called forth L adies and gen
.

tlemen feel that they are n either laughed at nor ri diculed .

In society,the obj ect of convers a tion is of course enter

tai nment and i mprovement, and Fit m ust,therefore , be
adapted to the circle in which it is carried on ,and must be

neither to o high nor too deep for the party at large ,so
that every one may contribute hi s share,ju st at his ple as
,

ure ,and to the b e st of hi s ab ility L et no two or three o ld

.

Indians ,o ld s choo l fello ws ,o r o ld brother campaigners,

-

s eiz e upon the con v ersation to themselve s ,dis c uss their

former adventures ,and keep the rest of a party list ening

s ilently to an animated convers ation about explod e d stories ,

of which they know nothing and c are as little .

L ord Chesterfield advis es his son to speak often ,b ut

no t to S peak much at a time so that if he do es not pleas e,
he will not at least displease to anygr eat extent A good
.
”

observer should easily,I think,be able to dis cover whe ther

h e pleases or not
“
'

Rousseau tells us ,th at persons who know little talk a

g r eat deal, wh il e those who know a gre at de al s ay very

little .

If th e disc ourse is of a grav e or s erio us nature,and inter

 THE AR T or CON VERS A TION .
19

esting to the p arty,or to any number of the party,n ev er

break in upon it with any display of i dle w it or levi ty for
nothing shows s o great a want of good manners nor must
y o u ever ri di c ule or do ubt the e xis t e nce of any nob le
enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admi
ration ; for there is no want o high worth ,patriotism ,
f

honor and disinterestedness on earth Yo ur incredulity

.

mi ght therefore b e unj us t,and it is at all times a proof of

/

b ad ta ste to ridicule what others admire .

If yo u join in the graver conv ersation,intended to move

the deep er feelings of the heart ,do so witho ut affec tation ,
witho ut overstretching sentiments , or bringing in far
"
fetched ideas for the sake of producing e fie ct,other wise
y o u wi ll be su re to fai
.l Avoid ,a b ove all,when on such
topics ,any stringing together of unmeaning words for bad
as the practice of substituting sound for sense is at all

times,it is doubly so when conv ersation takes the direction

of which we are speaking,as it then shows the j ingler to
want feelings as well as ideas Speak from the heart,wlfen
.

u speak to the heart ;only making j udgment p rune the

y o

e xpressions of deep feeling,witho ut checkin g the noble

s entiments that may have call ed them forth .

T he reason which renders this pruning system advisable

is ,that society swarms with worthy,respectable persons ,
poss essin g an ordinary share of superficial good nature,b ut -

s o destitute of actual feeling ,as not even to understand its

language and who ,without being scoffers ,will be inclin ed

‘

to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their min ds .

T he same reason s houl d serve as a warning to all gentle

men against w riting love letters ;for if a gentle sw ain is
-

really and truly in love ,he will write under excited feel
ings and a letter written with a palpitating h eart,
threatenin g to break a rib at every throb ,can hardly fail to
appear a little ridi cul ous 1 n the eyes of all w ho may not
chance to be exactly l n the same frame o f mind,or po s
s ess ed of the s ame degree of feelin g with th e writer .
 20 THE AR T or CO N VE S A T ION .

Ther e isa giggling and laughing tone ,in which la di es

l
and gent emen sometimes endeavor to speak, an attempt —
to continu e a series of jests from th e first to last,which is
no t only fo o lish ,b ut actually o ffensiv e C onv ersation can
.

never be kept up to the laugh in g point during a whole

evening, not e ven during a morning visit ;and efforts to
-

excite laughter by overstrained j ests are as repulsive as

overstrained efforts to gr oan and gri mace it The natural .

fl o w of discourse must b e calm and serene ;if wit,whim ,

“

fun and fire are present ,they will not fail to fl ash brightly
along its surface b ut they can never constitute the main
body of the s tream itself .

Differen t parties ,different tones no doubt,and an assem

b ly of grave doctors and professors ,me e ting to discuss
s ome learned s ubj ect,may treat it in their own way h ere
We can only speak of general society It 1 s s aid ,that the
.

g uests at a pleasant dinner party should ne ver exceed the

numb er of the Muses,nor fall below that of the Graces .

And this may b e true ;b ut a party of three or four is al

ready v ery differe nt in ch aracter, independent of the
-

difference occasioned by the characters of the g uests , from -

what a party of eight or nine will be In small parties of

.

thi s kind,numbers alone e xercise great influence B ut .

large or s mall,always recollect that yo u can ha v e no ri ght

to complain of the dull ness of the conversation,unless y o u
have contrib uted your best efio rts to re nder it cheerful
'

Nor is it always right to condemn a person for bei n g

silent in company,as this often results from the nat ure of
the p arty,which may be ill assorted ,though c omposed of
-

m
des erving people No one o n aintain a conversation by
.

himself ;the v ery best speaker must still be aided by

others,who m ust lend assistance in the proper spiril,befit
ting the natu e of the disco urse ;for a rude and for ward
r
p er s on ,wi s hing to shine ,can easi ly cr ush th e e f
f orts of the
most perfect gentleman ,and give an unfavorable tone and '

turn to a pleas ant conversation .

 TH E AR T O
o r CON VE RS A TI N . 21

In ordi nary convers ation ,th e modulation and proper

management of the v 0 1 ce 1 s a point to whi ch I would par
ticularly call the att ention of yo ung la di es for a fine and
melo di ous voi c e, swe et as mus i c on the waters , makes ”

the heart strings vi b ra te to there v ery core This can only

-
.

'

be done by a c ertain degree of c onfidence,and by a to tal

absence of affectation for uncertainty,agitation and striv
ing for effect are always r uinous to the voice o i the s peaker, '

whi ch is cons tantly running against breakers ,or gettin g

upon flats I am certai n that temper and di sposition are
.

far more generally,and more p erfectly marked by the .

v oice and manner of speaking,than we are at all willing to

all o w.

The thin ,small voice is the most di fficul t to m anage,as

it is liable to degenerate into shrillness and ladies who
have this kind of voice must keep strict guard over their
temper,when within hearing of any one on whom they .

may wis h to make a fav orable impre ssl o n ;for the very
idea of a shrill vo iced scold makes us place o ur hands to
-

o ur ears . B ut with a sweet temper ,a pretty,little ,h armo

nion s voice is pleasing eno ugh Always recollect,however,
.

that affectation ,constraint,or striving for effect,is the c e r

tain ruin of the pre ttie s t v o ice in the world

f
.

The very deep toned voic e,tho ugh extremely effective,

-

when well controlle d, has great difficulties ;for unl ess

backed by kind,cheerful and airy feelin g,by that bright
S pirit which is always gladness , it is liable to fall into a
”

coarse ,rude and vul gar tone ,and should never be h eard
except at times of b rilliant sunshine T he owners of such .

v ol e es should never think of getting an gry,nor even in

-

dul g e in sayin g what they may fancy sharp or severe things,

as the chances are ,that they will prove on ly ru de ones .

S tories ,however good—and they are often to be re co m

—
mended sufl er under one of the disa dvantages to which
'

anecdo tes are liable , they do not bear repetition ;and no

-

o n e can be expected to poss es s a s tock that shall furnish

22 THE ART OF O VERS A TION
C N .

new and acceptable wares on every occasion They form .

in conversation the reso urce of those who want imagina

tion ,and m ust be received with indul gence b ut to deserve
this favor ,they must be short,well told,well pointe d,an d
j udiciously adapted to the feelings an d composition of the
party We have all of us at times known a good story or
.

anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circum

stances,as to make a whole party look grave and fe el
uncomfortable .

The honor of demolis hin g the weavers of long tales shall

”

be left to C owper .

But s edentary weav ers of lon tales g

Gi v me th e fidg ets ,and my patience fails
e .

Tl S th e mos t asinine employ o n earth ,

’

To h ear th em tell o f parentag e and b irth ;

And ech o co nv e rs atio ns
dull and dry,
Em b ellis hed W ith h e s a id and s o s a id I .

At e v ery interv iew th eir ro ute th e me,

sa

Th e repe tition mak es me ;

attentio n la
W e b ris tle
up with uns ucces sful s peed,
—
And in th e s addes t part,cry D ro ll,indeed .

L et the reader only get these verses by heart,and repeat

,

a line occ asionally to show that he reco llects them ,and we

s hall s oon fin d s ociety relieved from these s pinners of dull

Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a

grotesque ,exaggerated and ludicrous light ;and of extem
po r iz in g b urlesq ue ane c dotes in a wh ims ical and am usi n g
manner It is a happy gift,of which excell ent us e can b e
.

made in society ;b ut tact and taste must,as usual,keep a

firm r ein ,for nothing that is serio usly treated by others
must e v er b e b urles que d and turne d into ridi cule The '
.

gr o tesque style is only appli cable when the gro und is fairly
open ,or when jestin g,bantering and exaggeration are th e
order of the m nute and then it may b e rendered charm
i

i ng .

L et no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctio ned

 THE AR T or CON VERS A TION .
23

"

under this head far from it,indeed A little graceful .

imi tation of actors and public speakers may be allowed .

Natio nal manners ,and the p ec uliarities of entire classes,

are fai r game . French dan dies,Yankee bargainers,and
E nglish exquisites ,may be ridiculed at p leas ure y o u may
even bring forward Irish porters,cab drivers and bog trot
- -

—pro mded yo u can imitate their wit and humor b ut

ters ,
’

I do not think I ever s aw any mim icry of pr ivate in divid

nals well received by well bred persons -
Nor is this to b e
.

wondered at ,since mimi cry borders so clo s ely on b ufio o n

'

cry , as generally to end in absolute vul garity L adi es, .

however,may be permitted to mimi c their friends a little ,

p rovided they rare ly ind u lge in the practi c e ,and neve r

transgres s the bo unds of good taste and elegance .

We meet o ccas io nally /in society with persons belon ging

to a cla s s ,not numerous indeed ,b ut deserving notice ,as
they are mostly ladi es ,and often worth reclaiming ;for
w ant of a better term I shall call them Icicles ,because they
o nly shine and cannot warm T he Icicles may be kind,
.

c lever,of cultivated mind,and in every respect well dis

posed to become agreeable ,—b ut cannot speak or conv erse
on any on e s ub ject They are constantly witty and ingeni
.

o us ,place every proposition or general question asked ,in

some amusing,novel or extravagant li ght ,b ut never answer

or sp e ak up to the point ;so that yo u may converse with
them for hours ,and be acquainted with them for years,
with o ut knowing their opinion upon any one s ubject ;
witho ut knowing e ven whether they have an O pinion on
any one subj e ct Nor does this always resul t from afie cta
'

tion ,or from e fio rts to sh ine ;it springs as often from a

’

faulty to n e ,and the fear of not being s ufficiently clever,

when att e mpting to be rational,as from any other so urce .

I h ave seen p e rs o ns lo s e a gr e at d e al by this absur d system ,

and fall far short of what they might hav e be en h ad they
merely foll owed the be aten track ;and as a maxim w ould
h av e y o u recolle c t,that fe w goo d th in gs are e v er said by
those who are constantly strivin g to say extraordinary ones .
 GENERAL RULES FOR CO NVE RSATI O N .

As order or method are of very little\consequence in

treating of thi s subject,I will conclude by giving a series
of rules upon the art of conversation ,couched in a few
words ,from which the reader may furnish himself with a
competent knowledge of what is to be studied,and what to
b e a v oided
. T h ere are few of the fo llo wmg sentenc e s that
will not furnish a go od deal of thought,or that are to b e
understood to their f ull extent without s o me c o ns ideratio n .

Whatev er passes in parties at your own or another s “ ’

ho e is never repeated by
us well b red
-
people Thi ngs of
.

no moment,and which are meant only as harmless joke s ,

-

are liable to pro duce unpleasant consequenc es if repeated .

To repeat ,therefore,any conversation which passes o n

s uch occasi ons ,is understood to be a br each of confidence ,

whi ch sho uld banis h th e offender from the pale of good

society.

Men of all sorts of oc cupations meet 1 11 soci ety . As

they
go there to unbend their minds and e scape from the fetters
of b usiness ,yo u sh ould never,in an evening,speak to a man
about his profession Do not talk of politics to a journal
.

ist,of fevers to a physician ,of stocks to a brok er,—no r,

unless y o u wish to enrage h im to th e utmost ,of e d ucation
to a collegian The error which is here condemned is often
.

c o mm i tted from mere good nature and a desire to be affa

 26 GEN ERAL R UL ES F OR CO N VERS A TI0 1V .

-—
such expre s sions as ci deo anz,s oi di s ant,en masse,couleur de
’

etc Do not s alute yo ur acquaintanc es with bo n yo ur,

ro s e, .

nor reply to every proposition ,o o Zo ntiers f In society,avoid

having those p ecul i ar preferences for some subjects whic h
“
are v ul garly denominated b o bby hors es They make yo ur
-
.
”

c ompany a b o re to all y o ur frie nds and some kind hearted -

creature will take advantage of them and trot yo u,fo rthe

amusement of the company Every attempt to obtrude on
.

a company sub j ects either to which they are indifferent,or

of which they are ignorant,is in bad taste .

Man s h ould b e taugh t as g

th o u h y o u tau h t hi not, g m
g
And th in s unk no wn propos ed as th ing s fo r o t ”
g .

A man is,quite sure to show hi s good or bad bree ding

the instant he opens his mo uth to talk in company If h e .

is a g entleman he starts no subject of conversation that can

possibly b e displeasing to any person present The .

g ro und is common to all,and no one has a right to mo

n o po liz e any part of it for his own partic ular opinio n
s ,in
politics or religion No one is there to make proselytes ,
.

b ut every one has be e n 1 nv ite d,to be agreeable and to

”

He who knows the world ,will not be too bashful H

e

who knows himself,will n o t be impudent .

Do not endeav or to shine in all companies Leave room .

fo r yo ur hearers to i mag i ne something within yo u beyond

all y o u hav e s aid An d remember,the more yo u are
.

praised,the more yo u will be envied .

T here is s urer S i gn of vul garity than the perpetual

no

b o asting of the fin e things y o u have at home If yo u

, .

speak of yo ur silv er,of yo ur jewels ,of yo ur co s tly apparel,

it will be taken for a sign that yo u are either lying,or that
y o u were , not lo ng ago , so me body s washerwoman , and
’
 GEN E RA L R UL ES FO R CO N VERS A TIO N .
7

cannot forget to be reminding everybody that yo u are not

so now .

Yo u need n o t tell all the truth ,unless to those who have

a right to know it all B ut le t all yo u tell be truth

. .

Ins ult not anoth er for his want of a tal ent yo u possess
he may have o thers ,which yo u want P raise yo ur friends .

and le t yo ur friends praise yo u .

If yo u treat your inferiors with familiarity,expect th e

s ame from th em If yo u giv e a j est,take one L et all
. .

your jokes be truly j okes J esting s ometincies ends in s ad

.

earnest .

Ifa favo r is asked of yo u,grant it,if yo u can If no t, .

refuse it in such a manner,as that one denial may be

s ufi cie nt .

If yo u are in company with a di stin g uished gentlem an

r —
as a gove nor,or senator yo u will not be perpetually try
ing to trot o ut his title s ,as it wo uld make yo u appear like
a lackey or parasite ,who ,conscio us of no merits of yo ur
o wn , are trying to lift yourself by the company of
.

. ,

others In introd ucing such a gentlem an ,yo u will merely

“
.

call him go verno r , or senator, and afterwards avoid

”

all all usion to his r ank .

If yo u woul d render yourself pleasin g in social partie s ,

nev er speak to gratify any p articular y ani ty or passion of
yo ur own ,b ut always aim to intere s t o r am use o thers by
the me s which yo u kno w are in ac c ordance with their tas t e s
an d unde rstandi n gs Even a we ll—bred mini s ter will av oid
.

introducing his professional habits and themes at such

places He knows that the guests were not invited there
.

to lis ten to a s ermo m,and th ere may be s o me who differ

28 GE NERA L R UL ES F OR CON VER S A TION .

withhim in pinion s,who would have g ood reason to feel

o -

themselv es in s ulted by being thus forced to listen to him .

R eproof is a medicine like mercury or Opium ;If it b e

improperly administered,with re port eithe r to the adviser
or the advised,it will do harm instead of g ood .

Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man s ’

profession ,sect, or natural infirmity He who stirs up .

against himself another s s elf love ,provokes the s trongest

’
-

pass1 ons i n human nature .

Be careful of yo ur word,even i n keeping the most trifli n g

appointment B ut do not blame another for a failure of
.

that kind,till y o u have heard hi s excuse .

Never offer advice ,b ut where there is some probability

of its being follo wed .

If yo u find yourse lf i n a company which violently ab uses

an absent friend of yo urs ,yo u need not feel that y o u are
calle d upon to take up the club for him Y o u will do bet
, .

ter by saying m ildly that they must hav e been misinformed

—that yo u are proud to call him your friend ,whi ch y o u
coul d not do if yo u did not know him to be incapable of
such things as they had heard After this ,if they are
.

—
gentlemen ,they will stop indeed ,if they had been gen
tleme n ,they Wou ld har dl y have assailed an absent one in
a mixe d party ;and if y o u feel constrained to quit their
‘

company,it will b e no sacrifice to yo ur o wn self respect or

'

-
i

honor .

Fools pretend to foretell wh at will be the issue of things,

and are laughed at for their awkward conjectures IVis e .

men ,being aware of the uncertainty of human affairs ,and

having observed how small a matter often produces a great
c hange ,are modest in their conjec tures .
 RA L
GEJVEC R UL ES FO R CO N VERSA TION .
29

He who talk s too fast,o utruns his hearer s thoughts ’

.

He who speaks too slow,giv es his hearer pain by hi nde r

i ng hi s tho ughts ,as a rider who frets his horse b y rei n i ng

him in too much .

Never thi nk to entertain people wi th what lies o ut of

their way,be it ever so c urious in its kind Who wo ul d .

think of regaling a circle of la di es with the beauties of

.

Homer s Greek ,or a mixed company with Sir Isaac New

’

ton s disc o veries

’

Do well ,b ut do no t—
boast of it For that will lessen the .

commendation yo u might otherwise have deserv ed .

Never as k a qu estion under any cir cumstances In the .

first p lace ,it is too pro ud in the second p lace ,it may be
very inconvenient or very awkward to giv e a reply A lady .

inquired of what branch of me di c al pracgic e a certain gen

tleman was professor He held the chair of midwifery "
.

To o ffer advice to an angry man ,is like b lo wmg against

a tempest .

Too much preciseness and s qlemnity in prono uncing

'

what one says in co mm e n c o n v e rs atio n ,as if o n e was

i

preaching, is generally taken for an indication of s elf

conceit and arro gance .

Make your company a rarity ,and pe ople will value it .

Men despise what they can easily have .

Value tru th,howe ver yo u come by it . Who would not

pic k up a j ewel that lay on a dung hill -

The beauty of behavior co ns ists in th emanner,not the

matter of your disco urse -

t is no t in good taste for a lady to

No ,sir, to a gentleman ,or fre que n
”

wb rd S ir, at the end of her s ente nc e ,unless s he desire

”
 30 GE NERA L R UL ES F OR CON VERSA TION .

to be excee dingly reserved toward the pers on with whom

s h e is o nv ers in g
q
.

If your superior treats y o u with familiari ty,it w

il l not
therefore b ecome yo u to treat him in the same manner .

A goodw ay to avoid impe rtinent and pumpmgz mq ui ri es,

-
-

is by ans wering with anoth er question An evasion may .

also serv e the purpose B ut a lie is inexc usable o u any

.
_ _

o ccasion ,especially when used to conce al the tr uth fro m

o ne wh o has no a uthority to demand it .

T o reprove with success ,the following circumstances are

necessary,viz : mildne ss ,secre cy,intimacy,and the esteem
‘

of the person y ou would reprove .

If you be nettle d w ith severe raill ery,take care never to

s how th at yo u are stu ng,unl ess y o u choose to provoke
more T he way to avoid being made a butt,is not to set
.

up for an archer .

To set up for a critic is bullying m ankind .

R efl e ct upon the different appearances things make to

rs ago ,an d don t imagine
’

you from what th e

y did some ye a.

that yo ur O pinion will ne v er alter,becauseJ o n are extremely

po s itive at present Let the rem e mbrance o f yo ur pas t
.

changes of sentiment make yo u more fl exible .

If ever y o u were in a passion ,did yo u not find dam n

after wards to be s orry for it ,and will y o u : ag ain all ow yo ur

self to be guilty of a weakness,which will c ertainly be in

the same manner followed by repentance ,besides being
attended with p ain
any b ut men of sense and t emper .

o trouble people with talking to o much w

either of yourself,or your afiairs If yo u are full of y o ur

’

.
 GEN E RA L
' ’

R UL ES F OR CON VE RS A TIOH '

.
31

self,consider that y o u,and yo ur affairs ,are not so in terest

ing to other p eople as to y o u .

Keepsilence sometimes ,upon subj ects which y o u are

known to be a j udge of So your silence ,where

.
y o u are

ignorant ,will not di scove r yo u -

T o us e phrases which admit of a double meaning is nu

gentlemanly,and ,if addressed to a lady, they become
positively insulting .

There is a vul gar custom ,too prevalent,of calling almost

everybody colonel in this co untry ,of which it is s uffi
”

cient to say,that thi s fals e us e of titles preva ils most

among the lower ranks of society—afact which s ufficiently
”

stamps upon it its real character ,an d renders it,to say the
least,a do ubtful comp liment to him who has no right to
th e title
‘

7
.

Think like the wise talk lik e ordinary people

b ut .

Never go o ut of the common road ,b ut for somewhat

Don t disp ute against facts well established ,merely b e

’

cause there is somewhat unaccountable in them That the .

world should be created of nothing is to us i nconceivable

b ut not therefore to be do ubted .

As you are going to a party of mirth, ink of the h azard

do not
r,re fl ect how
y o uhave behaved If well,be . it is more th an
yo u could have promi sed If o th erw . b e more c aref ul
for the future .

It will never do to be ignorant of the names and ap

proximate ages o f great composers , especially in large
c ities ,where mus rc i s so hi gh ly appreciated and so com
‘

mo n a theme It will be decide dly condemnatory if yo u

.
32 GEN ERAL R UL E S F OR CON VE RS A TION .

talk of the new O pera j D o n Giovanni , or R os s ini s

‘ ” ’

” “
Tro vat o re , or are i gnorant who composed Fidelio , ”

and in what opera occur s uch com mon pie ces as Ofus can
‘

lo dice, or
’
R S egreto I do not say that these trifles are
.
’

in di spensable ,and wh en a man has better knowle dge to

offer,especi ally with genius or cleverness to back it,
he w ill not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them ,b ut
c an e v en take a high t one ,and pr o fess in difl ere nc e o r con
’
‘

t empt of them B ut,at the same time ,such ignorance

.

s tamps an ordinary man ,and hinders c o nv ers atio h .

D on t talk of
’ “th
e opera in the presence of those who
are no t frequenters of it T hey will imagine that yo u are
.

showing o ff,or that y o u are lying,a nd that yo u have ne ver

b e e n to the opera ty pe in your life For th e sani e reason,
.

speakin g of your am a tanc e with m

s yo u are a p ublic man yourself,wh o
would b e supposed to have such acquaintance .

Do not sit d umb in company That looks either like .

pride,cunning,or stupidity Giv e your opini on modestly,

.

b ut freely ;hear that of o thers with candor ;and ever en

deav o r to find o ut,and to communicate truth .

In mixed company,be readier to hear than to speak ,and

I

pu t peop le upon talking of what is i n thei r own way For .

then yo u will both oblige them ,and be most likely to im

prove by their conversation .

Humanity will direct to be parti cularly cautious of t reat

ing with the least appearance of neglect those who hav e
lately met with misfor tunes , and are s unk in life S uch .

perso ns are apt to think thems elves sligh ted ,when no such
thing is intended Their minds being already s ore,feel the
.

least rub very se v erely And who woul d be so cruel as to

.

add affliction to the afflicted

34 GENERA L R ULES F OR CON VE R S A TI0 2V.

libertinism . T ake care that your v irtu es be g en ui ne an d

unsophisticated .

Never ask any one who is c o nv ers mg W1 th yo u to repeat

his words Nothing is ruder than to say, Pardon me ,
. .

will yo u repeat that sentence ? I did not hear yo u at first, ”

and thus imply that your attention was wandering when he

a
Wh en we s peak of ourselves and another pers on ,whether
he is absent or pres ent,propriety requi res us to mention
ourselves last T hus we s h o uld say,he amok],yo u and I
'

. .

If a man is tellin g that which is as o ld as th e hills,or

which yo u beli eve to b e false ,the better way 1 s to le t him "

go on Why should yo u refuse a m

. an the pleas ure of b e

lieving that he is telling y o u something w hich yo u never

heard before Besides ,by refusing to believe him,or by ’

telling him that his story is old,y o u not only mortify him ,
b ut the whole company is made uneasy,and,by sympathy,
s hare his mo rtific atio n .

Never notice it if others make mistakes i n language T o .

notice by wor d or look such errors m those ardund yo u,is

Avoid r aillery and arcasm in social partie s They are

s .

weapons which few can us e and b ecause yo u happen to

have a razor i n your po s s ess mn,that is no reaso n why yo u
shoul d be allowed to cut the throats of the rest who are
unarmed . Malicious jests at the expense of those who are
pres ent o r absent ,s how that he who uses them is dev oid
both of the instin cts and habits of a genlleman Wh ere .

two individuals or the whole comp any agre e to bant er eac h

other with good natured sallies of wit,it is very pleasant,
-

b ut the leas t taint of ill nature spoils all

-
.
 GEN E RA L R ULES F OR ERSA TION
CO N V .
35

If upon the entrance of a visitor yo u continue a conver

s ation be g un befor e,yo u sho uld always explain the s ubject

to the new comer -

.

If there is any one in the company whom yo u do not

know,be careful how yo u let o ff any epigrams or pleasant
little s arc a s m
Y o u might be very witty upon halters to
.

a man whose father had been hanged The first requisite .

for successfu
“
l conversation is to know yo ur company well .

X
‘

C arefully avoid subjects which may be construed into

.

p ersonalities ,and keep a strict reserve upon family m at

ters Avoid , if yo u c an, seeing th e skeleton in yo ur
.

friend s closet,b ut if it is paraded for your special ben efit,

’

regard it as a sacred confi dence ,and never betray your

kno wledge to a third party .

Listen attentively and patiently to wh at is said It is a .

great and difi cult talent to be a good listener,b ut it is one

which the well bred man has to a cquire ,at whatever pains
-
.
Q

D o not anticipate the point of a story which another per

son i s reciting, or take it from his li ps to finish it in
your own lang uage To do this i s a great breach of eti
6
.

Dr J ohnson ,whose reputation as a talker was hardly less

.

than that which he acquired as a writer,prided himself on

the appositeness of hi s quotations,the c hoice of his wo rds,
and the correctness of his expressions Had he lived in .
’

thi s age of progress, he would have dis c overed that his

lexicon was not o nl y incomp lete ,b ut required numero us
emendations We can fancy the irritab le m oralist e ndeav
.

oring to comprehend the idea which a young lady wis hes

to convey when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is
aw ad, or that of a yo un g gentleman ,
”
when he as serts
that his c oat is play ed o ut “
36 GEN ER A L R UL ES F OR CO N V ERSA TION T

Avoid
the us e of proverbs in conversation ,and all sor ts
of cant phrases T hi s error is,I believe,censured by L o r d
.

Chesterfield,and is one of the most o ffensively vulgar

'

which a person c an c om mit .

It is bad manners to satirize lawyers ,l n the presenc e o f

lawyers ,or doctors in th e pre s ence of one of fl at callin g,
.

and so of all the professions Nor shoul d yo u rail against

.

bribery and corruption in the pres ence of politici ans ,

"es pecia lly of a New York po litician )
, or members of C on
gress,as they will hav e good reason to suppos e th at v o u
are hinting at them It is the aim of politenes s to leave
.

the arena of social intercourse untainted with any s everity

of lan gu age ,or bitterne ss of feelin g There are plac e s a
. nd

occasions wh ere wrong must be exposed and reprov ed ,b ut

it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to attempt su ch
things at your own or another s social party,wh er ee ve ry
’

thing is carefully to be avoided that can in the least dis

turb the happiness of any one For this reason all kinds
.

of contro v ersies are,as a gen eral rule,to be avoid e d at

Any conversation " that is not interdi cted by decen cy

and propriety) whi ch can be pleasing to the whole com
pany, is desirable Amusement , more than instruction
.

even,is to be sought for in social parties People are n o t .

s upposed to come toge ther o ns uch o ccasions bec ause th ey

are ignorant and need teachin g,b ut to seek amus e men t

and relaxation from professional and daily c ares All th e
.
.

English books on etiquette tell yo u that p unning is s cru

“ ”
p ulo us ly to be avoided as a spe ci es of ale house wit and
-
a .

savage remark of Dr J ohnso n is usually quoted o n th e

.

subject . B ut punning is no more to be av oided than any

o ther kind of wi t and if all wit is to b e bani sh ed from the
s ocial circle ,it will be left a stupid affair inde ed Al l kinds .

of wit,p uns by no means excep ted,give a delightful r eli s h

 GEN E RA L R ULES F OR CON V R E SA TI0 2V .
37

to social partie s when they spring up naturally and spon

tan e o usly o ut of the themes of conversation B ut for a .

man to be con s tantly straining hims elf to mak e jokes is to

m ake himself ri dic ulo us ,and to annoy the whole c ompany ,
and is,therefore ,what n o gentleman will be g uilty of .

Talk as little of yourself as possible ,or of any science or

business in whic h yo u have “ acquired fame There is a .

banker in New York who is always cer tain to occupy the

time of e v ery p arty he gets into ,by talking of his per cents ,
and boas ting that he ga if t z a e
b e n l e w fi o uz c
'

nt— which ev ery

one readily believes ;and if he were to add that he bega n
fife in a p ig p en,they woul d believe that too
-
.

If yo u put on a proud carriage ,people will want to kn ow

what there is in yo u to be proud of And it is ten to one .

w he ther they value your accomplishments at the s ame rate

as
y ou A.n d the higher y o u aspir e ,they wi ll be the more
des iro us to mortify yo u .

No th mg is more na
seous than apparent self sufi ciency
u -
.

For it s hows the company two thi ngs,which are ext remely
d is agre eable : that yo u hav e a high o pl ni o n of yo urself,
and thafy o u have comparatively a mean op i n1 o u of them .

It is the concussi o n of passions that produces a storm .

Let an angry man alone ,and he will cool o fi hi ms elf

'

It is b ut seldom that v ery r em arkable occurrences f all

o ut in li fe T h e e v enness of y our tem
. per will be in most
d ang e r of being troubled by trifie s which take yo u by
s urp ris e .

i t is obli ging in company,e s pe cially of superiors ,to

as

lis ten att entively ,as to talk e ntertai mngly .

’
D on t think of knocking o ut another p erson s b rains ,b e
’

c au s h e di fie rs in O pin io n from yo u It will be as rational

'
e
.
38 GENERA L R ULES F OR ERSA TIO N
CON V .

to knock yours elf on the head,because y o u differ from

yourself ten years ago .

If y o uwant to gain any ma n s good opinion ,take par ’

tic ular care how y o u behave ,the first time y o u are in com
pany with him The light y o u appear in at first,to one
.

who is neither inclined to think well or ill of yo u,will ,

strongly prej udi ce h im either for or against you .

Good humor is the only shield to keep o ff the darts of

the satirical railer If yo u h ave a quiver well stored,and
.

are s ure of hi tting h im between the j oints of the harness,

do not spare him But yo u had better not bend your bow
.

th an miss yo ur mm .

Th e modest man is seldom the object of envy .

In , the company of la di es ,do not labor to e s tablish

learne d points by long winded arguments -
They do not .

c are to take too much pains to find o ut truth .

You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a

story, ev en tho ugh h e is making historical mistakes in
dates and facts If he makes mistakes it is his own fault,
.

and it is not your b usiness to mor tify him by attempting

to correct hi s blunders in presence of those with whom he
is ambitio us to stand well .

In a disp ute,if yo u cannot reconcile the parties,with ‘

draw from them Y o u will surely mak e one enemy,per

.

haps two ,by taking either sid e in an argument when the

sp e akers have lost their temper .

Do not disp ute in a party of la di es and gentlemen If a .

gentleman advances an opinion whi ch is different from "

ide as yo u are known to entertain ,either appear not to have

h eard it , or differ with h im as gently as possible Y o u .

will not say, Sir,y o u are mi s taken " Sir, yo u are ”

 GENERAL R ULES F OR CON VERS A TION . 39

wrong " or that y o u

” “
happen to
know better b ut y o u
—
will rather us e some such phrase as, Pardon me if I am
not mi staken , etc T his will give him a chan ce to say some
.

such ci vil thing as that he regrets to disagree with yo u ;

and if he has not the good manners to do it,yo u have ,at
any rate,established your own manners as those of a gen
tle man in the eyes of the company
"

An d when yo u h ave .

done that ,y o u need not trouble yourself about any opin

ion s he may advance contrary to yo ur own .

'

If you talk sentences,do not at the same time give your

self a ma gi sterial air in doing it An easy conversation is
.

the only agreeable one ,especially in mixed company .

Be sure of the fact,before y o u lose time in searching for

If yo u h av e a friend that wi ll reprove your faul ts and

foibles,consider yo u enjoy a blessing, which the king
upon the throne cannot hav e .

In di sputes upon moral or s cientific points , ever let

your aim be to come at tr uth ,not to conquer your oppo
nent So yo u never shall be at a loss in losing the argu
.

ment,and gaini ng a new di scovery .

What may be very entertaining in comp any with i gnorant

people ,may be tiresome to those who kn ow more of the
matter than yo urself .

There a sort of accidental and altogether e qui voc al

is
type of c ity women ,who neve r get into the country,b ut
th ey employ their time i n trying to astonish the co untry
p e ople with narrations of the fin e thi ngs they left behind
them in the city If they have a dirty little clo set,with
.

ten valueless books in it ,th ey will call it their library If .

th ey have some small ro o m ,that is use d as kitchen ,par:

lo r,and dining roo m ,they will magnify it into a dra w ing
‘ -
40 GENERAL R ULES F OR CON VE RS A TION .

ro o m And a hundr ed other lizlle s 1 gn s of their g rew

.

v ulgarity they will co nstantly insist on exhibiting to their

c o untry a udit o rs .

P utyourself on the same lev el as the person to who m

y o u spe a k ,and u nder pena lty of b eing considered a pedan
tic i di ot ,refrain from exp lain ing a ny expre ss ion or word
that y o u may use .

If yo u are really a wit,remember that in conversation

its true office con s i s ts more in fin di ng it in others ,than
s howing o f f a great deal of it yourself He who goes .

o ut of your company pleased with himself is sure to

b e pleased w ith yo u Even as great a man as Dr J ohn
. .

s o n once 1 e tire d from a party where everyb o dy h ad spen t

th e evening in listen ing to him ,and remarked,as he went

“
o ut, W e h av e had a p leasant evening,
“
and much excellent
c o nvers ation .

If yo u happen to fall into c o mpany where the talk ru ns

into party,obscenity,s c andal,folly, or vice of any kind,
y o u had better pass for m orose or u nsoci al ,among peop le

wh o s e go od opinion is not worth having,than shock y our

o wn cons cience by join ing in conversation which u m ust
y o

disappro ve of .

would hav e a right a ccount of things from illiter

If y o u
ate people ,le t them tell their story in their own way If .

u u t them u pon talking ac c ording to logi c al r ul es , o u

y o p y
will quite confound them .

1was much pleased with the s aying of a gentleman ,who

was engaged in a frien dly argument with anoth e r upon a
p o int in morals Y o u and I "s ays he to his antago n ist
]
s eem ,as far as I hitherto understand ,to d if fer con s idera
ly l n o ur opinions Let us ,if y o u ple ase try wherein we
. .

c an agr e e .The sch eme in most disputes is to try who

”

shall c o n quer,or confoun d the oth er It is th ere fore no .

 GEIVER A L R UL E S F OR CO N VE R S A TIO N .

u ally exposes himself in company,or ruins himself in life .

It is therefore easy to determi ne which is the safest side to

err on .

It 1 s a base temper in mankind ,that they will not take

the smalle s t slight at the hand of those who have done
them the gre ates t kindness .

If y o u fall into the greatest company,in a natural and

unfor c ed way,look upon yo urself as one of them and do
, ’

not s neak nor sufi er any one to treat yo u un worthily,with

o ut just s howing that y o u b eha vior B ut if yo u see
know
"
.

"

them dispo s e dt o be rude ,overbearing,or purse pro ud,it -

will be more decent and less troublesome to retire ,than to

wrangle with them .

There c annot be any practice more o flensiv e than that of

‘

taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company

yet this rudene s s 1 s of frequent occurrence—and that with
those who know it to be improp e r .
’

If at any time y o u chance,in conversation ,to ge t on a

side of an arg ument which yo u fin d not to be tenable ,or
any other way over shoot yourself,turn o ff th e s ubje ct in
-

as e as y and good h umored a way as y o u can If yo u pro .

o e c d still,and endeavor ,right or wrong,to make yo ur first

point good,yo u will only entangle yours elf the more ,and
in the end expose yourself .

Nev er over p ra1 se any absent person ,es pecially ladies ,

-

in company of ladie s It is the way to bring envy and

,

hatred upon those whom yo u wish well to .

T o try whether your conversation is likely to be accepta

b le 0people of sense,1 mag1 ne what yo u say written do wn ,
or printed,and consider how it would read whether it
w o uld app e ar natural, improving and entertaining ; or
afie c te d,unmeaning ,o r mischievo u s .
 GE JVER A L R UL E S F OR CON VE RS A TION .
43

It is better,in conversation with po s itiv e men ,to tur n

off th e subj e c t in di sp ute with some merry conceit,than
ke ep up the contention to the dist urbance of the company .

Don t give your advice upon any extraor di nary emer

’

g e n cy ,nor your opini on upon any di ffic ult point ,especially

in company of e minent persons ,without first takin g time
to delib erate If yo u say nothing, it may not be known
.

whether your sil ence was owing t 0 ~ the ignorance of the

subje ct or to modesty If y o u give a rash and crude
.

opinion ,yo u are effectually and irre coverably exposed .

If yo u fill your fancy,whil e y o u are in company,with

suspicions of their thinking meanl y of y o u ; if y ou puff
yourself up With imaginations of appearing to th em a very
witty, o r profound person ; if y o u discompose yourself
with fears of misbehaving before them ,or in any way pu t
yours elf o ut of yourself,y o u will not appear in your natu
ral color ,b ut in that of an aff ected ,pers onated character ,
which is always disagreeable .

It may be useful to study ,at leisure ,a variety of proper

p hras e s for such occasions as are most frequent in life ,a s
civ ilities to superiors,expressions of kin dn ess to in feriors
congratul atio ns , condolence , expressions of gratitude , ac
k no wle dgment of faults ,asking or denying of favors ,etc .

I pres cribe no particular p hr ases ,because ,o ur lan g uage

continually fiuctating,they must soon become stiff and
,

unfashionable The be s t method o f a c quiring the ae com

.

p li s h me nt of gra c eful and easy manner of expres s ion for

the c o mmon occ asion s of life ,is attention an d imitation of

well bred people Nothing makes a man ap pe ar more
-
.

contemptible than barrenne s s ,p e dantry , or improp rie ty

o f expression .

Avoid fl attery A delicate compliment is permi ssible

.

in conversation ,b ut flattery is b r o ad ,c oarse ,and to sensi

44 GEN ERA L R ULES F OR CON VERSA TION

b le people ,disgusting If y o u fl atter your superiors ,they

.

will distrust y o u,thinking yo u have some selfi sh end ;if

o u fl atterladies ,they will d e s pise u,thinking u have
y y o y o

no other conversation .

If y omeet an
u ill
bred fell ow l n company,who se voice
-

and manners are o ffen s 1 v e to y o u,yo u cannot resent it at

the time ,because by so doing y o u compel th e whole c o m
p any to b e sp e ctators of your quarrel,and the pleasure of
the party wo uld be spoile d .

\
If y o u must speak upon a difficult point,be the last
speake r if yo u can .

You will not be agreeable to c ompany ,if yo u striv e to

bring in or keep up a subject unsuitable to their capacities,
or humor .

You will never c o nv mce a man of ordinary sense by over

bearing his understanding If yo u dispute with him in
.

s u ch a manner as to show a du e deference fo r his j udg

men t,yo ur complais ance may win him ,though your saucy
“ P
arg uments co uld not .

Avoid appearing dogmatic al and too positive in any as

s e rtio n s y o u make ,which can possibly be subjec t to any

contr adiction He that is peremptory in his o wn story,

.

may meet with another as positi ve as h imself to contradict

him ,and then th e two Sir Positive s will be sure to have a
s k irmish .

The frequ ent u s e of the name of God, or the D e vil ;

allu si ons to passa g es o f S criptur e ; m o cking at a nything
s e ri o u s and devo ut , oat h s ,v ulg ar b y words , cant phras e s ,
-

ffe c te d hard w o rds ,wh e n famili ar t erm s will do as w ell ; .

s craps of L atin, Greek or F ranc 2

7
qu otations from plays
/

—
s pok e in a theatrical manner all thes e ,much used in con
 GE N E RA L R ULES F OR CON VERS A TION . t
p
)
.

vers ation ,render a pers on very cont emptible to gr ave an d

wise men .

If y o u
send people away from yo r company well
plea s e d
u -

with themselves ,y o u n e e d not f ear b ut they wi ll be w ell

enough plea s e d with yo u,whether they have rec e iv ed any
instruction from y o u or n o t Most people had rath er b e
p leased than instruct ed .

If yo u can expres s yourself to be perfectly understood

in ten words ,nev er us e a d o z en Go n o t about to pr o v e ,
.

by a long series of reasoning,wha t all the world is ready

If anyone takes the tro uble of finding fault w ith yeu, f

y o u o ught in reason to suppose he has some regard for

o u, lse he would n o t run the haz ard o f dis ob h gi ng y o u,

‘

y e
and drawing upon himsel your hatred f
.

Do ruffle or provoke any man ;why should any o ne

no t
/

b e the worse fo r coming into company with yo u Be

n o t yourself pro v oked W hy sho uld y o u gi ve any man
.

the advanta ge over yo u

T o say th at e n e
has opi ni ons very different from th e s e
'

commonly received ,is s ay1 n g that he eith er lov es sing u ~

larity, or that he think s fo r himself Which of the two .

is the case ,can only be fo und by examining the groun ds

o f his opinions .

Don t appear to the p ublic to o sure ,or too eager upon

’

any project If it sho uld mi scarry,which it is a chanc e

.

b ut it do e s ,y o u will h e laughed at T he surest way to .

prevent which ,is not to tell your designs or prospects in

If y o u give yourself a lo o s e to ngue in company,yo u may

almost d ep en d o n b ei n pulle d to pi e c es as s o on as your
g
46 GErVE R A L R ULES F OR CON VE RS A TI0 V 1
.

back is turned ,however they may seem entertained with

your con v er s ation .

For common conversation , men of ordinary abiliti es

will upon occasion do well enough An d yo u may always .

pick somethin g o ut of any man s discourse ,by whi ch yo u

’

may profit For an intimate friend to improve b y,yo u

.

must search half a country over,and be glad if yo u can

find h im at last .

Don t give your time to every superficial acquain tan ce

’

it is bestowing what is to yo u of inestimable worth ,upon

one who is n o t lik ely to be the b etter for it .

If a person has behaved te y o u in an un acco untabl e

l

manner ,don t at once conclude him a bad man ,unless yo u

’

fin d his ch aracter given up b y all who know him ,nor

then ,unless the facts alleged a gainst him be undoubt e dly
proved,and wholl y inexcusable B ut this is not advising
.

y o u to t rus t a person whose character y o u have any

re ason to suspect Nothing can be more absurd than the
.

common way of fixing people s characters Such a one

’
.
‘

has disobliged me,therefore he is a vill ain S uch another .

has done me a kindness,therefore he is a saint .

Superficial people are more a greeable the first time yo u

are in th eir c o mpany,than ev er afterwards Men of j udg .

ment improve every s ucceeding con v ersation beware

therefore of judging by one interview .

Y ou will no t anger a man so much by sho wing him that

y o u hate him , as by expressing a contempt of h im .

Mo st women had rather have y th eir goo d qualities

an
'

ef

slighted,than their beauty Yet that is the most inc o n

.

s iderab le accomplishment of a woman of real merit .

 GENE RA L R UL ES F OR CON VERS A TIOM

Y ouwill be always reckone d by the world nearly of the

same character with those whose company yo u keep .

Y o u Wi ll please so much the le s s ,1 f yo u go into company

d etermined to shin e L et your conversation app e ar to
.

rise o ut of thoughts suggested by the occ asion ,not s trained

or premeditated nature always please s affectation is
always odio us .
 ON DR E SS .

IT is hardl y necessary to remind the reader that dre s s,

though often considered a trifling mattei ,is o ne of con
s ide rab le importance ,for a man s personal appearance is a
“
’

sort of index and o bscure prolo g ue to b s character

”

p .

Lord Chesterfield has said, I cannot help fo rmmg some

o p1 n1 o n of a man s sense and character from his dr ess
’ ”
.

B esides,the appearance of a well dressed man commands

’

a certain de gree of respect which woul d never be shown to

a sloven As S h ak spe are has written , The w orld is still
.

deceived by ornament and there are those who associa te

fin e clothes with fine people s o strongly ,that they do not
trouble themselves to as c ertain whether the wearers are
worthy of respect,as others form their O pinions of books
by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the binding .

The dress ofa gentleman should be such as not to exci te

any special observation ,unles s it be for neatness and pre
ri t The utmost care sho uld be exercised to avoid e v en
p e y
.

the appearance of des iri ng to attract attention by the pecu

liar formation o f any article of attire ,or by the display o f
an immoderate quantity of jewelry,both being a positiv
evidence of vulgarity His dress sho uld be studious ly n e at ,
.

leaving no other impres sion th an that of a well dressed -

gentlem an ;

Well bred people do not often dr

es s in wh at 1 s called the
“
-

heigh t of the fash ion , as that is generally left to

”
dan
”

5 0 ON D RES S .

ners do quite as much to set o ff a suit of clothes as clothes

do to set o fi a graceful perso n
'

A dress perfectly s uited to a tall,good lo okin g man,may -

re nder one wh o is neither ri d i culo us as although the for

mer may wear a remarkable waistcoat o r singular c oat,al
mos twith impunit the latter,by adopting a similiar co s
t ume ,exposes hi mself to the laughter of all who see h im .

An un assumi ng s implicity in dr ess should always be pre

ferre d ,as it preposse s ses every one in fav o r of th e we arer .

Av oid what is call ed the “ufll

y sty
rl eanl
of dress , or
th e no nchalant an d s lo uchin] appearance of a half unb utton
/
-

e d vest,and s u pe n de rl es s pantaloons T hat sort of afl e cta '

tion is if possible eve n more di sg usting than the painfully

elab orate frippery of the dandy .

Gentlemen n ever m ake any displa y of jewelry ;that is

given up entirely to the dominio n of f e m ale tas te B ut .

ladie s of go o d taste seldom wear it in the morning It is .

re s erv ed for eve n

i ng display and fo r brilliant parties .

The native in dependence of American character regards

with di sd ain m any of the stringent social laws whi ch are
recognized in England and on the continent Thus,the .

dress wh ich many of o ur countrymen adop t for the assem "

b ly room and private parti e s wo uld subject them to serio us

-

annoyance abroad A frock coat wo uld not be tol erate d a

.
-

mo ment in any fashionable society in Europe ,and wh eth er

'

it be esteemed a prej udice o r otherwis e ,w e are free to co n

fes s tha t in o ur opinion it is a violation o f good taste,and
u n s uited either to a b all room or private asse m
’
-
b ly .

l Ne should,howev er,be far from d enying the claim of

‘

gentleman to any pers o n,s imply because he w e re a frock

coat for the fickle goddess,Fashion ,tolerates it to a cer
tain extent in America b ut if the universal c ustom amon g
th e re fin e d and polished memb ers of society were to e xclude
 o zv D RES S .
51

it ,as in E urope ,its us e would manifest a contempt fo r the

opinion of oth ers ,of which no gentleman could be g ui lty .

If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and

solely on o ne s co nfo rmatie n to the laws of etiquette ,the
’
_ .

mo s t unprin cipled pro fligate or debauchee mi ght succe ss

fully wear it it is ,however,b ut the fin ish an d polis h of the
jewel—not the diamond itself .

If we were all owed to say anything to the la di es concern

ing dres s in a di ctatori al way, and were sure of being
’

o b ey e d,w e shoul d order them generall y to dress less

'

Ho w .

o ften do we see a female attired in the height of fashion,

perfectly gorgeous in costume ,sweeping along the dusty
u —
street,perspiri ng nder the weight of her finery dressed , _
in fa ct,in a manner fit only for a carriage This is a very ‘

mistaken and absurd fashion ,and such people w ould be

m
astonished to s ee the s im icity of r e al aristocracy as re

gards dress .

In o ur allusions to the dr ess of a gentleman ,we have

urged a s tudied simplicity of apparel ;the same remarks
~
are equally applicable to that of a lady Indeed,s implicity .

is the grand secret of a lady s toilet

’
When she burdens
.

herself with a profusion of s o wferie she rather detracts from

than adds to her personal appearance ,whil e all o utré fash
ions and ultra styles of dres s ,tho ugh they excite attention ,
neither win respect nor enh ance th e attraction of the
wear er.

Some la di es,perhaps 1 mag1 n1n g that they are deficien t

in personal charms—andwe are willing to believe that there
are such ,although the Ch es terfieldi an school of philosophers
would ridicule the idea— endeavor to make their clothes the
spell of their attraction With this end in vi ew,they labor
.

by lavish expen di ture to supply in expensive adornment

wh at they lack in beauty of form or feat ure Unfortunately .

fo r their success ,elegant dressing does not depend up o n

52 ON D RE S S
.

expense A lady might wear the costliest silks that Italy

.

could produce,adorn herself with laces from Brussels which

years of patient toil are required to fabricate ;she might
carry the j ewels of an Eastern princess around her neck and
upon her wrists an d fingers ,yet still,in appearance,b e
essentially v ulgar T hese were as nothing without grace,
.

without adaptation, witho ut a harmonious blending of

colors,without the exercl s e of discrimination and good
taste .

The most appropriate and becomin g dress is that whi ch

so harmoniz es with the figure as to make the apparel unob
s erv ed When any par ticul ar portion of it excites the at
.

tention,there is a defect,for th e details shoul d not present

themselves first b ut the result of perfect dressing s hould
be an eleg ant womaii,the dress commanding no especial re
gard M en are b ut indifl erent j udges of the material of a
'

lady s dress in fact,they care nothing about the matter

’
.

“
A mod es t countenance and pleasing figure,habited in an
inexpensive attire ,woul d win more attention from men ,
than awkwardn ess and effrontery,clad in the richest s atin s
of S tewart and the costli est gems of Tiffany .

T here are occasionally to be found among both sexes ,per

sons who neglect their dress through a ridiculous affecta
‘

tion of singularity,and who take pride in being thought

utterly indif ferent to their personal appearance Million
.

aires are v e ry apt to manifest this characteristic ,b ut with

th em it generally arises through a mi serly pen uriousnes s

of di sposition their imitators,however,are even more de a

ficient th an they in common sense .

Lav ater has u rged that persons habitually attentive to

their attire ,display the same regularity in their domestic
affairs He also s ays
, Young women who neglect their
toilet an d manifest little concern about dress,in dicate a
 ON D RESS . 53

general di s regard of order— a mind b ut ill adapted to th e

—
details of housekeeping a deficiency of taste and of the
qualities that inspire love .
”
~
Hence the desire of exhibitin g an amiable exterio r is es
s e ntiall y requisite in a yo ung lady,for it indi cates c le anli

ness,sweetness ,a love of o rder an d propriety,an d all

'

those virtues which are attractive to their ass ociates,and

'

particul arly to those of the o th er s ex .

C hesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every

action of o ur lives,and that he could not help conc e iving
some idea of people s sense and character f
rom th e dress in
’

whi ch they appeared when intro duced to him .

An other writer has remarked that he never yet met with

a woman whose general style of dress was chaste, elegant
and appro priate,that h e did not fin d her on further ao
quaintance to be, in disposition and mind, an obj e ct to
admire and love .

The fair sex have the rep utation of being passionately

fond of dress,and the love of it has been said to b e natural
to women W e are not di sposed to deny it,b ut we do not
.

regard it as a weakness nor a peculiarity to be condemned .

Dress is the appropriate fin ish of beauty Some one has .

said that , Without dress a handsome person is a gem,

b ut a gem that is not set B ut dre s s , he fur ther rem arks ,
”

“
.

must be consistent w ith the graces an d with nature .

”

T aste, says a celebrated div “

m, req
a congruity
e uire s

between the internal character and the external app e ar

anc e the imagination will involuntarily form to itself an
idea of such a correspondence First idea s are ,in general,
.

of considerable co nsequ enc e I sho ul d therefore think

.

it wis e in the fem al e w orld to tak e c are that their app ear
n ce sho uld not convey a forbiddin idea to the most u
g g s

p e rfi cial observer .
54 ON D RES S .

,
As we have already remarked the secre t of perfect dress
ing is s implicity,costliness b eing no essential element of
real elegance We have to add that everything depends
.

upon the j udgment and good taste of the wearer These .

s hould always be a harmonio u s adaptation of one article of

attire to another,as also to the siz e,figure and complex

ion o f the wearer There sho uld be a correspondence in all
.

parts of a lady s toilet,so as to present a perfect entirety

’
.

T hus ,wh en we s ee a female of light,delicate complexi on ,

pencili ng her eyebrows until they are positively black ,we
cannot b ut entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and
good sense T here is a harmony i n nature s tints which
.
’

art can never equal,much less improve

‘

A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes,light

hair,eyebro ws and lashes T here is a delicacy and har
.

mo nio us blending of corresponden ces whi ch are in perfect,

keepin g ;b ut if yo u sully the eyebrows with blackn e ss,

u destr oy all similitude of feature and expres s ion ,and
yo

almost present a deformity

We cannot b ut allude to the practice of using white

paints,a habit strongly to be condemned If for no other .

reason than that poiso n lurks b eneath ev ery layer,i n duc

ing paralytic affections and prema ture death,they s h o ul d
be discarded —b ut they a re a disgui se whi ch deceives no

one ,even at a distance there is a ghastly deathliness in

the appearance of the skin after it has been painted,which
is far removed from the natural h ue of health .

The hostess should b g p articularly careful not to o ut

shine her guests W e have seen m any instances where
.
"

a lady,fond of dr ess,"and what lady is not fond of dress

and conscio us that it is unbecoming to dress to exc e ss
when visitors are invited,yet so unable to restrain the de
sire o f display,has made the whole o f her g uests look
shab by,by the c ontrast of her own g ay colors T o dress .
 ON D RES S .
55

meanl y is a mark of disrespect to the company,b ut it is

e qually so to make a very gay app e arance If y o u make .

a grand dis play yourself,yo u are apt to appear as if y o u

wished to parade your appearance ,and it is alway s s afer
to be unde r than over th e mark
"
.

In going o ut,consider the s o rt of company yo u are likely

to me et,and endea vor to ass imilate to th e m as much as
—
po ssible for to m ake a gr eat disp lay elsewhere is an evi
den c e of bad taste B ut here if yo u mis s the happy medi
.

um, dr ess above the mark rather than below it , fo r y o u

may dre s s more out of doors than yo u may at h o me
,
.

Where d ancing is expected to take pla c e ,no one s hould go

without new kid lo ves ;nothi ng is so re v oltin g as to see
one pers o n in an a ssembly ungloved ,especially wher e the
heat of the room,and the exercise t o gether,are s ure to
make the hands redder than usual Always wear yo ur .

glov es in c hurc h or in a theater .

We may add a few general maxims ,applied to both sexes ,

and o ur task will be done .

All affectation in d ress says es a

“
Chesterfield , impli
fl aw in the understan di ng .O ne should,therefore ,avoid
being singular,or attra cting the notice,and the tong ues
of the sarcastic ,by being eccentric .

'

Never dress against any one Choose those garm e nts

.

which sui t y o u , and look well upon yo u,perfe c tly irre

s pe c tiv e of the fa c t that a lady or gentleman in the s ame

v i llage or street may excel yo u .

m
When dr essed for co pany,strive to app ear as e asy an .

0 natural as if yo u were in undress Nothi ng is more di .

tressin g to a sensitiv e person ,or more ridiculo us to o n e

ifted with an esprit mo ue ur,than to s e e a lady laboring
g g
und er the con s ciousnes s of a fin e gown ;or a g e ntle man
who is s tifi,awkward,and ungainly in a bran ne w c o at
'
-
.
”
6 ON D RE S S .

D ress according to your age It is both pamful and

.

ridicul o us to see an o ld lady dressed as a belle of four and

twenty,or an o ld fell ow,o ld enough for a grandfather,
afie cting the costume and the manners of a b eau
'

,
Young men sho uld be well dressed Not foppishl y,b ut
.

neatly and well An untidy person at fiv e and twenty

.
- -

degenerates ,very frequently,into a sloven and a boor at

flay .

B e not too negligent,nor studied in your attire ;

to o
and lastly,le t your behavior and conversation suit the
clothe s yo u wear,so that those who know y o u may feel
that,after all,dress and external appearance is the least
portion of a L AD Y or GENT L EMAN .
58 ON IN T R OD UCTION S .

introduction ,that yo u take great pleasure in making them

acquainted,which will be an assurance to each that y o u
think they are well matched,an d thus they are prepared
to be friends from the start .

In introducing partie s,be careful to prono unce each

name distinctly,as there is nothing more awkward than to
have one s n ame miscalled
’
.

In introducing a foreigner,it is proper to present him

'

as “ Mr Leslie , from England

.
“ Mr La R u e from .

France .Likewise when presenting an American wh o has

”

recently returned after traveling in distant lands , make '

him kno wn as Mr D unlap ,lately from Fran ce , or Mr

.
”
.

”
Meadows,recently from Italy .

It is very\ easy to make these slight sp e cifications ,and

they at on c e afio rd an op ening for conversation between
'

the two strangers ,for nothi ng will be more natural than to

ask the recently arrived s omething about his voyage,or
the places he has seen during his travels .

When presenting a governor,de signate th e State he gov

r —
e ns as, Governor Fenton of New York In intro duc .

ing a member of C ongress,mention the State to whi ch h e

belongs , as Mr Sherman of O hi o , or Mr B anks of .

Massachu setts Do not forget that C on gress includes the

.

two legislative bo dies .

When introducing any of the members of your own fam

‘

ily, me ntion the name in an audib le to n e It is not

“ “
.

considered s ufi cient to say My f ath er, My mother , ” ”

My sister, or My brother B ut s ay, My father,

” ”

“ “
.

Mr Stanley, My broth er, Mr Westo n ,

.
”
My sister, .
”

Miss or Mrs Hop e . It is best to b e exp licit in all these

.
”

things ,for there may be m o re than one surname in the

famil y The eldest daught er should be introd uc ed by her
.
 ON IN T R OD UCTIOIVS .
59

surname only,as Miss Sherwood , her younger sisters,

“
.

” ”
as Miss Maud Sherwood , Miss Mary Sherwood .

In presenting a clergyman ,do not negle “

ct to put B ever
end before his name If he is a D D say, T he R ever
. . .

”
end Doctor Ii he is a bishop ,then the word bishop is
.

s ufficient .

Wh en are introduc e d to a person ,be care ful not to

y o u
appear as though yo u had never heard of him before If .

he happens to be a person of any distinction ,such a mis

‘

take would be unpardonable,and no person is co mplimented

by being remi nded of the fact that hi s name is unknown .

If b y any misfortune yo u have been introduced to a pe

.

s o n whose acquaintance y o u do not desire ,y o u can merely

make the formal bow of etiqu ette when yo u meet him ,

which ,of its elf,encourages no familiarity ;b ut the bo w is
indisp ens able,for he cannot be thought a gentleman wh o
’

would pass another with a vacant stare ,after h av ing b e en

formally presented to h im By so doing,he wo uld o ffe r
.

a slight whic h woul d j ustly make him appear contemptible

even in the eyes of the person he means to humble .

Wh at is called cutting another is never practic ed by

m
'
jg e n tle e n or ladies ,e x c e pt in some extraor di nary instanc e s
of bad conduct on the part of the in dividual thus sacri
fice d An in creased de gree of ceremony and form al
.

politeness is the most delicate way of wi thdrawing from an

unpleasant acqu aintance Indeed, what is called cu t
.

”
ting is rarely ever practi c ed by well bred ladies an d -

gentlemen .

On introduction in a room , a married lady generally

{ o fie rs her hand ,a yo ung lady not ;in ,a ball roo m,where
'
-

I the introduction is to dan c ing ,n o t to friend s hip, y o u

and as a gen e ral rule ,an introduction
Ci) ON IN TR 0 D UOTION S .

perhaps be laid down ,that the more public the place of

intro duction ,the less han d shaking takes p lace b ut if the
-

introduction be particular,if it be accompanied by per

son al recommendation ,such as “I want yo u to know my
friend J o nes , then yo u gi ve J ones your hand,and warmly
”

too .

It is in soci ety,that a person wh o has been

understood
roperly introduced to y o u ,has some claim on yo ur good
p
“
o fi ce s in future y o u cannot therefore slight him witho ut
good reason ,and the chance of bein g called to an account
for it .
 LE T T E R S O F I N T R O D U CT I O N .

LETT ER S of introduction are to be regarded as certifi cates

of repe ctab ility,and are therefore never to be given where
y o u do n ot feel s ure on this point
. T o send a person of
whom y o u know nothing into th e con fidence and family
of a friend,is an unpardonable reckl essness In England ,
.

le tters of introduction are call ed tickets to s o up , because

it is generall y customary to invite a gentleman to din e who
come s with a letter of introduction to y o u Such is also
.

the practice ,to some extent,in this co untry,b ut etiquette

here does not make the dinner so essential as ili ere .

In England ,the party holding a letter of introduction

never takes it himself to the party to whom it is addressed,
b ut he sends it with his card of address .

In France,and on the continent of E urope generally,

directly the reverse is the fashion . In America the Eu
glish cus tom generall y prevail s ;tho ugh where a young
g entlem an has a letter to one wh o is many years hi s seni or,
or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise ,he takes
it at once h l ms elf
.

When a gentleman ,b earing a letter of introduction to

y o u ,leaves
his card ,yo u sho uld call on him ,or send a
note ,as early as possible There is no gre ater insult than
.

to treat a letter of introduction with in difference fi t is a

-

slight to the stranger as well as to the introducer,which

no s ub s equent attentions will cancel After yo u have
.
62 L E T TE RS OF IN TE 0 1) UO TI0 V
'

1 .

made this call,it is,to some extent,O ptional with yo u as

to wh at further a ttentions y o u s hall pay the party In .

th i s co untry everybody is supposed to be v ery busy,which

is al ways a s ufi cient exc use for not paying elaborate atten
tions to visitors It is not demanded that any man s hall
.

neglect hi s b usiness to wait upon v isitors or guests .

Do not imagine these little c e remonies to be insignificant

and beneath your attention they are the c ustoms of soci
ety and if yo u do not conf o rm to them ,yo u will gain the
'

un epiab le distinction of bei n g pointe d o ut as an ignorant ,

ill bred per s on

- Not that y o u may care the more for
.

strangers by showing them ci v ility ,b ut yo u should s crupu

l o us ly av oid the imputation of being de ficient in good
bree ding ;and if yo u do not choose to b e po lite for their
sakes ,yo u ought to be so fo r yo ur O wn .

Lett e rs of introduction sho ul d only be gi ven by actual

f ie n ds o f the persons addr e s se d,an d to actual friends of
r

their own Ne ver,if yo u are wise ,give a letter to a per

.

son whom y o u do n o t know,nor addr ess one to one whom

o u know slightly T h e l etter of introd uc tion ,if actuall y
y .

given to its bearer,should be left unsealed,that he may

not incur the fate of the Persian messenger,who brought
tablets of introduction re c ommen ding the new ac quain
tance to cut hi s head o fi A letter of this kin d must
'

therefore be carefully worde d,s tatin g in full the name of

the person introd uced,b ut with as few remarks about
him as possible It is generally s ufi cient to say that he
.

is a friend of yo urs ,who m yo u trus t your other friend

will receive with attention ,etc In tr avelin g it is w ell to
.

h av e as many letters as po s s ible,b ut not to pin yo ur faith

r

on th em .
 D I NNE R P A R T IES .

IN VIT AT IONS to di ne ,from a married party,are sent in

som e s uch form as th e following

Mr . and Mrs . A present th eir compliments to Mr and Mrs B . .

and re q ues t th e o r h ope to h av e th e pleas ur e ] of th eir c o mpany to

h o no r,"
d inner o n W ednes day,th e l oth mb er next,at s even
o f Dece .

A S treet,Nov emb er 1 8th ,18

R . s . v
. P .

The in th e 0 0 1 no r imply
letters o ndez , s il s o us
“
R ép
’

phi i i
/
meani ng ,
“an answ e r will ob lige The r e p ly , .
”

acc epting the mv itatio n, is concluded in the following

Mr Mrs present th eir compliments to Mr and Mrs A

‘
. and . B . .

o r w ill h av e much ple as ure in] acceptin

and w ill do th ems elv es th e h o no r," g
th eir k ind inv itatio n to dinner on th e l oth of Dece b er nex t m .

B S quare , v
No emb er 2 l s t,1 8

T he answer to invitation s to or declining,

dine ,acc epting
shoul d be sent imme di ately,and are al ways addressed to
the lady If,after yo u have accept e d an invi tatioh ,any
.

thin g occurs to render it impossible for y o u to go ,the lady

sho uld be informed of it imme di ately It 1 s a great breach .

o f etiqu ette not to answer an in v itation as s oon after it is

rece iv e d as possible ,and it is an insult to disappoint when

we hav e pro mis ed .
 C ards or invitations for a dinner party,should be issued
at least two weeks beforehand,and care shoul d be taken
by the h ostess,in the selection of the invited guests ,that
they sh o uld be suited to each other Much also of the
.

pleas ure of the dinner party will depend o n the arrange

-
_

ment of the g uests at table ,so as to form a due admixture

of tal kers and listeners,the grave and the g a
y .

/
Letters or c ards of invitation should always name the
\

hour of di nner and well bred peop le will arrive as nearly

-

at the specified time a s they can Be sure and not be a

“
.

minute behind the time ,and yo u s houl d not get there

long before ,unless the invitation requests yo u p articularly
to come early for a little chat before dinn er .

It is always best for the lady of the house ,where a

dinner party is to come o ff, to be dressed and ready to
-

appear in the drawing room as early as possible ,so that if

-

any of th e guests should happen to come a little early,she

may be prepared to receive them It is awkward for both
.

parties where visitors arriv e before the lady of the house is

ready for them If it is necessary for her to k eep an eye
.

upon the dinner,it is still best that s h e s ho uld famil i arly

receive her guests ,and beg to be excused ,if it is necessary
for h er to v anish occasion all y to th e kitchen A real la dy .

is not ashamed to have it knownthat she goes into the

kitchen on the contrary,it is more likely that she will b e
a little prou d of being thought capable of superinten ding
the preparing feast .

m
It is not in good taste for the lady of the house ,where a
dinn erzparty is given ,to dress very uch She l eaves it
.

for her lady guests to make what di splay they please ,and
-

she o ffers no rivalry to th eir fine things ~She contents.

h ers elf with a ta s ty néglig é,which often proves the most

fascinating equipment after all ,especially,if the cheeks
become a little flus hed with natural bloom,in consequence
by seein g that the most di stin gui shed guests ,or the o ldes t,
are shown into the di ning room first,and by makin g th o s e
-

companions at the table who are m o st lik ely to be agre e a

b le to ea c h other . The lady o f the h o u s e may lead the
w ay, o r foll ow her gu e s t s i n to the di nin g ro o m ,as sh e
-

p l e ases
. A mong th o se who deli ght to f o ll o w the e tiqu ette

o f the English nobili ty , th e latt e r pra c tice is followed .

,
B ut the p racti c e mus t not be con s id e red a test o f go o d
bre e ding in Ameri c a If the lady leads the hus band wi ll
.

follow behind the g ue s ts ,with the lady on his arm who is

to sit at his side The o ld cus t o m is still followed to some
.

extent in this c ountry,of the lady t aking the head of the

table ,with the two m o st favor ed g ue sts seated ,the one at
her right and the other at her left ha n d wh il e the gentle
man o f the house takes the foot of the table ,support e d o n
each side by the two ladi es most entitled to c onside ration .

B ut this o ld rul e is by no means slavishly foll owed in polite

s ociety in thi s co untry .

In order to be able to watch the course of th e di nner,

and to see that nothin g is wanting to their g uests, th e
‘

lady and gentleman of the ho use u su ally s e at themselv es

in the c entre of the tab le ,opposite each other .

When all the guests are seated,the lady of the house

serv es in plates,fr o m a pile at h e r left hand,the so up ,
whi ch s h e sends ro und,beginning with h e r neighbo rs right
and left,and continuing till all are help ed T h e se first
.

plates usually pass twice ,fo r each g ue st endeavors to in

duce his n eighbor to ac c ept w hat was sent to him .

The gentleman then c arves ,or cause s to be carved b y

some exp e rt g ue st,th e large pie c e s,i n order afte rwards to
do the o ther honors hi ms elf If yo u have no skill in
.

c arv mg meats , do n o t attempt it ; nor sho ul d y u e v er

o
disc harge this duty except when yo ur go o d o ffic es are i

solicited by him neither can we refuse anything s ent us ‘

from his hand .

 HA B I T S A T T A B L E .

As soon as dinner is announced,the host or hostess will

give the signal for leav i ng the drawi ng room ,and in all
‘

probab ility yo u will be reque s ted to escort one of the ladi es

to the table If this s hould occur,o fier the lady your left
‘

arm ,and at the table remain stan di ng until every lady is

seated,then take the place as s igned to y o u by the host es s .

When y o u leav e the parlor,pa s s o ut first,and the lady will

follow yo u,still lightly holding your arm At the door of
m
.

the dining roo ,the lady will drop your arm Y o u shoul d
-
.

then pa s s in ,and wait at one side of the entrance till she

passes yo u Having arrived at the table ,ea ch gentleman
.

re s pectfully salut e s the lady whom he conducts,w h o in

her turn ,also bows and takes h er seat .

Nothing indicates the go od bree ding of a gentleman so

much as hi s manners at table There are a tho u sand little
.

poi n ts to be ob s erved , whi ch , althou gh not abso lute ly

necessary , dis tinctly stamp the refined and well bred -

man A man may p ass muster by dres s ing w ell, and may
.

sus tain himself tole rably in conversation b ut if he be n o t

perfe ctly d a fail, dinner will b etray h im
”
'
.

An y unpleasant peculiarity,abrup tness,or coarseness of

manners ,is espec ially o ffensiv e at table Peo ple are more
.

e asily di s g usted at that time th an at any oth er Al l s uch.

ac ts as le aning o v er on one side in yo ur chair,placin g your

e lbows on the tab le ,or on the back of your neighbor s
’
 HA B ITS AT TA B L E .

chair,gapi ng ,twisting about restlessly in your s e at ,are to

_

be avoided as heresies of the most infi del stamp at table .

Though the body at table should always be kept in a

tolerably uprig ht and easy position , yet one need not sit
'

bolt upright ,as stiff and prim as a poker To b e easy,to

‘

-
.

b e natural,and to appe ar comfortable ,is the deportment

required .

Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible The .

e xpensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance ,

b ut its freshness and cleanl iness are indis pensable The .

ha nds and fin ger nails require especial attention

-
It is a .

great insul t to eiery lady at the table for a man to sit down
to di nner with his hands in a bad con dition .

It is considered vulgar to take fish or s oup twice Th e

'
.

reas o n for not being helped twic e to fis h or so up at a large

di n n er party is ,because by doing so y o u keep three parts

-

of th e company staring at yo u whilst waiting for the second

c ourse ,whi ch is spoiling,much to the ann oyan c e of the

mistress of th e house The selfish greediness,therefore ,

.

of so doing constitutes its vul garity At a family di nner

.

it is of less importance ,and is consequently often done .

Y o u will
,
sip yo ur soup as qui etly as pos sible from th e
side of the spoon ,and yo u,of course ,will not commit the
vulgarity of blowing in it,or tr
y ing to cool it ,after it i s in
your mo nth ,by draw ing in an unusual quantity of air,for
by so doing yo u would be sure to annoy,if yo u did not
turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to y o u .

Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your

fork until after yo u have finished eating your soup Lea ve .

your spoon in your so up plate,that the servant may re

move them .

N ever use yo ur knife to co nv ey your food to your mouth,

unde r an
y circu mstances ; it is unn ec
 HA B ITS AT A BL E
T .
69

vul gar Feed yo urself with a fo rk or

. sp o on ,no thing els e—a

knife is only to be used for c ut ting .

i f at dinner y o u are requested to help any one to sauce ,

‘

do not po ur it o ver the meat or vegetables ,b ut on one

side If yo u sh ould hav e to c arve and help a j oint ,do no t
.

load a person s p late—it 1 s vulgar ;also in serving soup ,

’

one ladl eful to each p late is sufficient .

Fish shoul d always be helped with a silver fish slice ,an d -

your o wn portion of it divi de d by the fork aided by a piece

of bread The application of a knife to fish is likely to
.

destroy the delicacy of its fl a vor ;besides which,fish sauces

are often acidulated ;acids corrode steel,and draw from
it a disagreeable taste .

The lady and gentleman of the house are ,of cours e ,

helped last,and they are very particular to notice ,e very
minute ,wheth er the waiters are attentive to every guest .

B ut they do not press peopl e either to eat more than they

appear to want,nor ins is t upon their partaking of any par
tic ular di sh It is allowab le for y o u to recommend,so far
.

as to say that it is considered excell ent , b ut remember ”

that tastes differ,and dishes whi ch suit yo u,may b

pleas ant to others ; and that, in consequence of your
urg ency ,some modest peop le mi ght feel themselves com

p elle d to pa rtak e of what is di sagreeab le to them .

“
N either ladi es nor gentlemen e ver wear gloves at table,
un less their hands ,from some c au se ,are not fit to be seen .

Av oid too slow or too rapid eatin g ;the one will appe ar
as th o ugh y o u did not like your di nner ,and the other as

tho ugh y o u were afraid yo u wo uld not get enough .

Making a noise in chewin g yo ur food,or breathing hard

in eating,are unseeml y habits ,whi ch will be sure to get
y o u a bad name at tab le ,among peop l e of good breedin g
-
.
 70 HA B ITS AT A BL E
T .

L et it be a sacred rul e that y o u ca nn o t us e

y o ur knife,o r
fo rk ,o r leeik lo o quietly .

Avoid
picking y our teeth ,if possible ,at tab leffo r h o w
ever agreeable s uch a practice might be to yo urself,it may
be ofib ns ive to others The habit whi ch some have of
,
.

holding one hand o v er t h e mo uth ,does not avoid the v ul

garity of teeth picking at table
-
.

Unless y o u are requested to do so ,never s elect any par

ticular part of a dish ;b ut if yo ur ho s t asks yo u what
part yo u prefer ,name some part,as in th is case the i nciv
ility would consist in making your host choose as well as
carve for yo u .

If yo ur host or hostess passes yo u a plate,keep i

espe cially if yo u have chosen th e fo od upon it,for others
hav e also a choi c e ,and by pas s ing it,yo u may gi ve yo ur
neighb or di shes distasteful to him,and take y ourself those
which he would much prefer .

If a dish is distasteful to yo u,declin e it,b ut make no

remarks abo ut it It is s ickening and di sgusting to explai n
.

at a table how one article makes yo u sick,or why some

other di sh has become distasteful to yo u I have s een a .

well dress ed tempting dish go from a table untouched,

-

be cause on e of the c o mpany told a most digus ting anecdote

about fin di ng vermin served in a similar dish .

If the meat or fi s h upon your plate is to o rare or too

well done ,do not eat it ;gi ve fo r an excus e that y o u pre
-

fer s o me other dish b efore y o u ;b ut n e ver tell y our host

that his co c k has made th e di s h uneatab le .

If a g entleman is seated by the side of a lady or elde rly

person ,politen e ss r e quires h im to sav e th em all trouble of
pouring o ut for th e mselves to drink ,and of obtain ng i

whatever they are in want of at the table He should be .

 HA B ITS AT T A BL E .
71

eager to o ffer them whatev er he think s to be most to their

taste.

Nev er pare an apple or a pe ar for a lady unless she desire

and then be car f ul to u s e yo ur fork to ho ld it ; o u
y o u , e y
may sometimes o der to div ide a v ery large pear wi th or for
a person .

It is not g ood taste to praise extravagantly every dish

that is s et b e fore y o u b ut if there are some things that
are re ally very nice,it is well to s peak in their praise .

B ut, abo v e all thin g s , avoid seeming in difiere nt to the

'

dinner that is provided for yo u,as that might be c onstrued

into a dissati s fa ction with it .

So me persons ,in helping their g uests ,or recommendin g

dishe s to thei r taste ,preface every such action with a e u
l ogy o n its merits ,and dr aw eve ry bottle of win e wi th an
acco unt of its virtues ;o thers , run ning into the contrary

,
extreme ,regret or fear that ea ch dish is not exa ctly as it
sho uld be that the cook ,e tc etc Both of these habits
.

are grievo us errors Y o u should leav e it to your guests

.

alo n e to appro v e , or s uffer one of yo ur intimate friends

who is present,to vaunt y o ur wine .

If y o u ask the waiter for anythi ng,yo u will be car eful to

spe ak to him gently in the to ne of reques t,and not of com
mand T o speak to a waiter in a driving mann er will
‘

cre ate , amon g well bred p e ople ,the s uspicion that yo u

-

were s o m e time a s ervant your s elf, an d are pu ttin g on a irs

at the thought of yo ur promo tion L o rd Ch e sterfield s ay s
“If I tell a footman to bring me a glas s of wine,in a
.

rough ,insultin g mann er,I s ho uld e xp e ct th at,in obeyin g

i

me ,he w o uld c o ntriv e to spill so me of it up o n me ,and I

am s ure I s h o uld d e s erve it .

S ho uld your servants break anythin g while yo u are at

tabl e , nev er turn ro und, or inquire into the partic ulars ,
however annoyed yo u may feel If your servants betray
.

s tupidity or awkwar dness in waitin g on your gues ts ,avoid

reprimanding them p ublicly,as it only dr aws attentio n to

their errors,an d adds to their embarrassm e nt .

Never commit the v ulgarism of spe ak ng when i

y o u have
any food in your mouth .

When y o u have occasion to change or p as s your plate

during din n er ,be careful and remove yo ur knife and fo rk ,
that the plate alo ne may be taken,b ut after y ou have fin
ish e d your din ner,cross the knife and fork on the plate ,
that the servant may take all away,before brin ging yo u
clean on e s for dessert .

Do not put butter on your bread at dinner,and avoid

biting or cutting your bread from the sli c e ,or roll rather
"
break o h small pieces,and put these in your mouth with
yo ur fingers .

It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the

'

preserves or gravy upon yo ur plate and then bite it If .

o u desire to eat th e m together,it is much be tter to break

y
the bread in small pieces,and conv ey these to your mouth
with your fork .

Avoid p utting bones,or the seeds of fruit,upon your

table cloth R ather place them upon the edge of your
-
.

plate .

When yo u wish to help yourself to butter,s alt,or sugar,

u s e the b utter knif e ,salt sp o on and s ugar tongs ;to u e
- - - s

~o r own knife spoon or fingers evinces great ignorance

s u ,
an d ill bree di ng
-
.

It is customary i n some American families to serve their

gue sts with co fie e in the parlor aft er dinn er B ut this is a
'

Eur opean custom wh ich is not gen erally practice d in po

lite Ameri can society Wh en co fie e is given at th e clo s e
' ‘

.
 WINE A T T A B L E .

AL MO S T every gentleman h as wine at his table whenever

h e has invited guest s In de e d,wine is considered an in
.

di s pe ns able part of a g ood dinner ,to whi ch ladi es an d

g e ntle men h ave b e e n fo rmal y invited Ev en if yo u are a
l .

total abstinence man yourself, y o u will not,if yo u are

-

really a g entle man ,attempt to compel all yo ur guests to be

so ag ain s t th eir wish If yo u are so fanati c al that yo u
.

have what is c all ed c onscientiou s scruple s against fur

n i h in g wine ,then y o u sho uld in vite non e to dine who are
s

not as fanatic al and bigoted as yours elf Y o u must con .

sid e r tha t a gentleman may hav e co n sc e ntio us scruples

i

ag ain s t dining with y o u on c old wat er ,for there are e v en

temp e rat e an d sober gen tle man who wo uld go witho ut

'

m e at as ec o n as b e d eprived of th e ir glas s of win e at dinner .

'

The vegetarian ,who wo uld force his guests to dine on

c abbages and onions ,is h ardl y g uilty of a gr eater br ea ch
of etiquette than th e total ab s tin ence fanatic who woul d
-

comp el his gu ests to go without win e .

If there i s a gentleman at the table who is known to be

a t o t al abstinence man , y o u will n o t urge him to drink
-
, .

He will s ufi e r h is glass tO b G fil led at the first passage of

' ‘

th e win e ,an d rai s ing it to hi s lips ,will b o w h is r e spe cts

with th e re s t of the gues ts,an d after that his glas s will b e
all o wed to r e m ain untouc h e d As little noti c e as po s sible
.

sho uld be t ak en o f hi s t o tal ab s tin enc e p e culiarity An d,

-
.

if he is a g entle man ,he will c ar e full y avoid drawing att e n

tio n to it hims elf .
 WI NE AT T A BL E .
75

It is no t now the custom to ask a lady across the t able

to take win e with y o u It is e xp e ct e d th at e v ery la dy will
.

b e p rop e rly h elp e d to w ine by th e g entlem an w h o tak e s h er

to the table ,or who sits n ext to h er B ut if y o u are in .

c o mpany where the o ld custo m prevails ,it w o ul d be b e t

-

ter b re e ding to f o ll ow th e custom of the p lac e ,rath er th an

by an omiss ion of wh at your entertainer co ns id ers civi lity,
to prove him ,in face of hi s g uest s ,to b e eithe r ign o ran t
o r v ulgar If eithe r a lady or g entle man is invited to
.

t ak e win e at table ,they must nev er refus e ; if th ey do not

lrinlc,they n e ed only to uch th e wine to their lips Do .

not o fier to h elp a lady to Wi ne until y o u see she has fin

’

iehed h er soup o r fish .

Alw ays wipe your m o uth before dri nking,as nothin g is

more ill -
bred than to gre ase yo ur gla s s with your lips .

D o not propose to take win e with your ho s t ;it is hi s

privi lege to invite yo u .

It is considered well bred to take th e same wine as that

s elect e d by the person with whom yo u drink Whe n,how .

e ve r,th e wine cho s en by him is unp alatable to yo u,it is al

lowable to t ake th at which yo u pr e fe r, a t the s ame tim e
apo lo giz in gly saying , Wi ll o upermit me to drink claret
y
or whatever win e y o u have s elected .

In inviting a lady to take wine with y o u at table , yo u

s ho ul d politely say , S hall I have th e pleasure of a glas s
of win e with yo u ? Y o u will then eith e r hand h e r th e
”

b o ttle y o u have s ele ct e d ,o r s e nd it b y th e waiter ,an d

afterw ards fill y our o w n glas s,wh e n y o u w ill p o li tely an d.

silen tly b o w to e ach o th er,as yo u r ai s e th e wi ne to y o ur

lips. T h e s am e cer e mony is to be observed wheninviting
a gen tleman .

On rai si ng the first glass of wine to h is lips , it is cus

to mary for a gentleman to bow to the la dy of the ho use .
 It is not customary to propose lo asis or to drink deep at
a gentleman s family table Lord B yr on describes a
’
.

largish party, as first silent ,then talky ,then arg umen

” “

tativ e ,then di sp utatio us ,then unintelligible, then alto

h d
”
g et e ry ,then r unk B u t th i
.s was a lar gish party ,
”

which,it is to be hoped,w as gi ven at a tavern for the man

wh o dr inks to intoxication ,or to any considerable degree of
elev atio n,at a gentleman s fam ily table ,o ught ne v er to ex
’

p ec t to be invited a second time .

At nner parties
di -
which are given to gentlemen ,for the
p urpose of conviviality,one may indulge in as much wine
as he p leases,provided he does not g et drunk,and make a
n uisance of himself Where drinking,and toasting,and
.

b umpers ,are the order of the feast,as at a public dinner,

gi ven in honor of a di stin gui shed man ,or at the ina ug ura
tion of some public enterprise ,far greater latitude is all
lowed,in all th in g s ,than on more private and select o c
casions .

In conclusion of o ur article on table etiq uette ,we quote

from a recent English work,s ome humoro us ,b ut valuable

We now come to habits at table ,which a e r very im

portant However agreeable a man may be in society ,if
.

he offends or di sg usts by his table traits ,he will soon be

scouted fr o m it ,and j ustly so T here are some broad r ules
.

fo r behavi or at tab le Whenever there is a servant to help

.

y o u ,never hel p y o urself Ne v er put a knife

. into yo ur
mouth ,not even with che e se ,which sho uld be eaten with
'

a fo rk
. Neve r us e a S poon for anything b ut li quids .

ll ev er touch anything edible with yo ur fingers .

Forks were undoubte dly a later invention than fingers ,

b ut as we are not can ib als ,I am inclined to think they
were a good one There are some few things whi ch yo u
.
 IIA B IT S AT T AB L E .
77

may t ake up with your fingers T hus an epicure will eat.

even m acaroni with his fingers and as s ucking asp ar ag us

is more pleasant than chewing it , yo u may,as an epic ure ,
tak e it up a n naturel B ut bo th th e s e things are g en e rallv
.

eaten with a fork B re ad is ,of course ,e aten with th e fin

.

ge rs ,and it wo uld be abs urd to carv e it with yo u knife an d

fork It mus t, on the contrary ,always be broken wh e n
.

not b uttered,and y o u sho uld ne ve r put a slice of dry bre ad

to your mouth to bite a pi e ce o ff Most fre sh fr uit ,too ,is
.

eaten wi th th e n atural prongs ,b ut when yo u have p e eled

an orange or apple,y o u sho uld c ut it with the aid o f the
fork ,unless yo u c an succeed in br eaking it Apropos of .

which,I may hint tha t no epic ur e eve r yet put a knife to

an apple, and that an orange shoul d be peeled with a
spoon B ut th e art of peeling an orange so as to h o ld its
.

o wn j ui ce ,and its own s ugar too ,is one tha t can scarcely

be taught in a book .

However,let u s go to dinner,and I will soon tell yo u

whether yo u are a well bred man o r not and here le t me
-

premise that what is good m anners for a s mall di nner is

good manners for a large one ,and v ice v ers a No w,the .

first thing y o u do is to sit down Stop ,s ir "pray do n o t

.

cram yo urself into the table in that w ay no ,nor sit a yard

from it,like th at Ho w g raceless , incon veni ent, and i n
.
'

the way of conversation " Why,de ar me "yo u are posi

tiv ely putting your elb o ws on the table ,and now y o u hav e
got your hands fumbling about with the spoons and forks ,
and no w yo u are nearly knocking my new hock glass es
over Can t yo u take yo ur hands down ,s1 r ? Di dn t y o u
.
’
_
’

’
learn that in the n ursery Didn t yo ur mamm a say to
y o u ,
“ Never put yo ur h an ds ab o ve the tab le except to
carve or eat O h "b ut co m e ,no nonsen se , s it u , if
p
fi
’

y o u p leas e
. I can t have yo u r n e head of hair forming a

side dish on my table y o u must not b ury yo ur fa ce in the

p late yo u c ame to s h o w it,and it ought to be a live Well, .
b ut th ereis no occas ion to throw your h ea d b ack lik e th at,
o u look like an ald erman ,s ir,after dinn e r Pr ay ,don t
’

y .

lounge in that s le e py way Y o u are here to eat,drink,and

.

be merry Y o u can slee p when y o u g e t home

. .

Well,th e n ,I suppose yo u your napki n Got

c an s e e .

n o n e , i n de ed " Very likely,in my ho use Y o u may b e .

sure that I nev er sit down to a meal without napkins I .

don t want to make my table cloths unfit fo r us e ,and I

’

don t want to make my trous ers unwearable W ell ,now,

’
.

we are all s e at e d ,yo u c an unfo ld it on your kne e s ;no ,no

don t tuck it into your waist coat like an alderman ;and
’

what "w hat ,o n earth do y o u mean by w iping your f o re

head with it ? Do yo u take it for a towel ? W ell,never
’

mind ,I am conso led that y o u did not go farther,an d us e

it as a pocket handkerchi ef So talk away to the lady on
-
.

yo ur right,and wait till soup is handed to yo u; By the

way,that waiting is the most important part of table man
ners , and,as much as possible , y o u sho uld av oi d a s king
'

for anything or helping yo urs elf fr o m the table Your .

—
soup y o u eat with a Spoon I don t know what els e yo u ’

c o u —
ld eat it with b ut then it mu st be one of good size .

Yes,that will do ,b ut I beg y o u will not make that o di o us

noise in drinking y o ur so up It is lo uder than a do g lap
.

ping water ,and a c at would be qui te genteel to it Then .

o u need not s c r ape up th e p late in that way,n o r even til t

y
it to get the last drop I shall be happy to s end y o u some
.

more b ut I must j ust remark ,that it is not the custom to

take two helpings of soup ,and it is liable to keep other
pe o ple waiting,whi ch,once for all,is a selfish and into ler
ab le habi t B ut don t y o uhear the serv ant o ffering yo u
’
.

s h e rry I wish yo u wo ul d att e nd , for my ser vants hav e

quite enough to do ,and can t wait all the e v ening while
,
’

“
y o u fini s h th at v ery mild story to Miss Goggle s C o me , .

l eav e th at de cant er alone I had the wi n e put on th e ta

‘

b le to fill up the servant s will hand it di rectly,or,as w e

are a small party ,I will t ell yo u to help yourself b ut pray,
 IIA B ITS AT T ABL E .
79

do not be s o o fli cio us " Ther e ,I have sent h im some tur

.

b o t to k e ep h im quie t I d e clar e h e c ann o t m ake up h is

.

min d ) Y o u are ke eping my s ervant again ,s ir Will y o u,

. .

o r will y o u n o t,do t urbot Don t examin e it in that w ay ’

it is quite fre s h ,I as s ure y o u t ak e o r de clin e it Ah ,y o u .

t ake it,b ut that is no r e a s on why yo u sho uld take up a

knife too Fish ,I rep e at,must nev er b e tou ch e d with a
.

knife Take a fork in th e right and a s m all pi e ce of b re ad

.
,

in the left hand Good ,b ut . O h that is atro cio us

of c o urse y o u must n o t s wallow the bones ,b ut yo u s hould
rath er do so than spit them o ut in that w ay P ut up your .

napkin like this , and land the said bone on yo ur plate .

Do n t rub your hea d in th e sauce ,my goo d man ,no r go

’

proggin g about after the shrimp s or oyste rs therein O h .

how horrid "I de clare yo ur mouth was wide open an d full

"

of fis h Sm all pieces ,I beseech y o u ; and once fo r all,

.

whatever yo u eat,keep your mouth s hut,and never att e mpt

to talk with it full .

So now yo u hav e got a p ate S urely yo u are not t akin g .

two on your plate There is ple nty of dinner to c om e ,and

one is qui te enough O h "dear me ,y o u are in corri gible
"

. .

Wh at "a knife to cut that li ght brittle pas try 2 No ,nor ‘

fingers ,ne v er —
Nor a s poon alm o st as b ad Take your
. .

fork,sir,yo ur fork ;and,now y o u hav e e at en ,oblige me

by wiping y o ur mo uth and mo usta che with your n apkin ,
for ther e is a bit o f th e pas try hanging to the latte r,an d
looking very di sagr e eable Well,yo u can refuse a dish if .

o u like There is no po s itive nec e ssity for o u to t ak e

y .
y
venis o n if yo u don t want it B ut,at any rate,do n o t b e
’
.

in that terrific hurry Y o u are not going o fi by the n ext

'

tra in Wait for the sauc e and wait for the veget able s ;
.

b ut whether y o u eat them o r not , do not b e gin b e fo re

eve rybody els e S urely y o u mus t t ake my table fo r th a t of
.

a railway re freshment roo m,for yo u h av e finished b e fo re-

the person I helped first Fast e ating is b ad fo r the dig e s .

tion , my good sir, and not very good manners eith er .

 80 HA BITS AT A BL E
T .

What are yo u trying to eat meat with a fork alon e Oh

it is sweetbread I beg your pardon ,yo u are quite right .

Let me giv e y o u a rule Everything that c an be out with

o ut a knife ,sho uld be cut with a fork alone Eat your .

vegetable s,therefore ,with a fork No ,there is no n eces .

s ity to take a spoon for peas a fork in the right hand wil l
do What "did I really see y o u put yo ur knife into your
.

mouth T hen I must give yo u up O nce for all, and .

ever,the knife is to o ut,not to help with Pray,do not .

munch in th at noisy m ann er ;chew your food well,b ut

s oftly
"
E at s lo wly
. Have y o u not heard th at Napole o n
.

lost the battle o fL eip s ic by eating to o fast It is a fact

though His haste caused indig e stion,which made him
.

incapable of atten ding to the details of the battle Y o u .

s e e yo u are the last person eating at tab le Sir,I will .

not allow yo u to speak to my servants in that way If th ey .

are so remiss as to oblige y o u to ask for anyt hing,do it

gently,and in a lo w t o n e, and thank a servant j us t as
m uch as yo u woul d hi s master Ten to one he is as good .

a man and b ecause he is your inferior in position ,is the

very reason yo u should treat him co urteously O h "it is .

of no us e to as k me to take wine far from pacifying me,

it will only make me more angry ,for I t ell yo u the cus tom
is quite gone o ut,except in a few country villages ,and at a
mess table Nor need yo u ask the lady to do so Ho w
-
. .

ever,there is this consolation ,ii y o u sho uld ask any one to

take Wi ne with y o u,he or she canno t refuse ,so y o u have
your own way; Perhaps next y o u will be asking me to
hob and nob ,or trinquer in the French fashi on with arm s
encircled Ah "yo u don t know,perhaps,that when a
.
’

l ady tri n ues in that way with y o u ,y o u have a right t o

q
fin ish o ff w ith a kiss Very lik e ly ,.ind e ed B ut it is the
c ustom in famili ar circles in Franc e ,b ut then we are not
Frenchmen IV ill u attend ’to yo u r la dy ,sir ? Y o u di d
y o .

not come merely to e at,b ut to make yourself agreeable .

Don t sit as glum as the Memnon at T heb es ;talk and b e

’

pleasant Now y o u h ave s o me puddin g No knife no ,

.
J— .
-
 C A R V IN G

CAR VING an art which every parent should te ach his

1s .

sons and daughters N othi ng can be more disagreeable and

.

unpleasant than to be placed before any particular dish

without bei ng able to help it properly It is generally the

.

case when the head of the family is a good carver ;for he so

objects to see things b adly cut,that he prefers carvin g
everything himself We remember once ,when very yo ung,
.

being invited to a large dinner,and we were placed b efore

a ham W e began to hack this article ,when the gen eral,
.

the founder of the feast,said to his servant, Take that

ham away from that young gentleman ,and place it before
some one who knows how to carve From that moment
.
”

we determined to achi eve the art of carving, and after ‘

great difi culty we succeeded,and succeeded so well that

carving a hare ,a clergy man ,one of the guests ,re
what an excellent invention that of boning a hare
w as ,we carved it with so m uc h ease ;b ut d etermined to
‘

have a joke at the expense of the clergyman ,we laid down

the knife and fork,and s aid, s ir,w e are surpris e d that y o u
coul d express s uch an O pinion , when it is well known
that it has filled more jails and s ent m o re me n to the trea d
mill than any other thing yo u c an name What , s ir, .
”

taking the bones o ut of a hare ? ”

No ,s ir, boning th e
h are first.
”
No one can carve witho ut practice ,and con
sequently children ought to begin young,in orde r to ao
quire a thorough knowledge of the art It is di fficult to
‘

describe the method of carving,ev e n with draw ings or dia

 CAR VIN G ’
.
83

grams ;b ut the reader who wishes to learn,may,by o b

s erving how good carv ers pro ce ed,and applying what he
‘

h as seen to what he reads,with practice ,soon become an

adept .

An d first ,never stand up to carve this is the greatest

v ulgarity,and even a very short man need not stand up .

A little ,defor med,hump back friend o f o urs ,used to give

-
'

very good dinners he carved well, and delighted in

s h o wihg it , —
b ut he had a failing always to have very,
large
j oints of meat b efore him O ne day a stranger g uest ar
.

rived late ,dinner had been served , even soup and fis h

had been removed ;the host was absolutely hi dden b e
hind an enormou s ro und of b eef,and the stranger s aw
nothing at the head of the table b ut the monstrous
j oint,round whi ch a kni fe was rev olving with wonderful
rapidity Steam w as the subject f talk at the moment,
.

and he exclaimed, I did not know that y o u had bro ught

ste am to this perfection
.
” “
What perfection “ Why,
don t yo u see that round of beef is c arved by steam
’
This .

was enough it got the hunchback s steam up,and,j ump’

ing on the chair,he demanded who dare ins ult him in h is

own house and it was with great difiicul ty that his friends
co uld appease h is wrath ,and turn his steam o ff Ever .

sin ce the time of Adam ,men and women have been prone
to excuse themselves and lay the blame on others Thus, .

a perso n who co u ld not swim ,comp lained bitterly of the

want of buoyancy in th e water and another ,who had

frightf ully mangled a leg of m utton in attempting to carve,
de clared thatt h e sheep was deformed and had a b andy le g .

In Fran c e ,at all large dinners ,dishes are carved at the

sideboard by a servant ,and th en handed ro und in small
portions It saves a gr eat deal of trouble ,and prevents
.

the shower of gravy wi th whi ch awkward carvers will

often i nundate the t able clo th ,and sometimes their neigh
-

bors It would be well if this custom was universal in

.
 84 CAR VIN G .

Amen ca,where it is rare to find good ca rver In help .

ing the soup ,nev er say, Will yo u le t me assist yo u to

s ome of thi s so up this is vulgar in the extreme The
“
.

word assist is not selon les r egle s de la bonne s o cieté,

‘ ”

b ut simply, Shall I send yo u some No w,any one can

help soup B ut then there are two ways,the right and the
.

wrong First,then ,your soup plates should be held by

.

the servant near the tureen ,and y o u s hould j udge the

number yo u have to help by the quantity of so up yo u have ,
to av oid the possibility of consuming all your soup before
n
“

y o u have he lped yo u r g uests give one spoo fu l of so u p

to each plate,and av oid by all me ans slopping the s oup
,
‘

either into the tureen or over the table cloth,or over the -

v
’
s ide of the p late , a ll of which are extreme 1 1 1g aritie s .

—
An d here we beg to s ay notwithstanding B rummel hav
ing s aid,in speaking of some one with whom he co ul d find ‘

no o ther fault,that he was a sort of fellow who wo uld come

—
t wice to soup , that,if very good ,it is not vulgar to eat
twice of it ;b ut,a n contraire,if not good,the worst possi
b le taste

The next thing in o gder is fis h Now,of fis h th ere are

. ,

S e v eral sorts the fi rst of the large sorts be ing

SAL MO N,the shape of which e very one knows ;b ut few

people have a whole salmon at table T h e fi sh should be .

s er v ed always on a strainer ,covered with a small dinner

napkin ,and the cook should be careful that it be sent to

table whole and unbroken It sho uld be laid o nits side ,
.

and garnished with fried sm elts it sho uld be o ut with the

,
trow el,or fish knife imm ediately do wn the middl e of the
-

side ,and helped from the centre to the b ack,one slice

back and a small slice towards the b elly, whi ch is the
richest and fattest part ;care should be taken that the
s li c es are not broken ,and with e ach sli ce a fri ed smelt

be given .

CO D -
F IS H sho uld be helped difierently
'

. Cutting from
 CAR VIN G
’
.
85

the back to the thin part,crossways ,and the sound div id e d

so as to give e ach person a s mall po rtio n .

MA CKEREL ,if boiled,shoul d be divided into four ;that is ,

p lace yo ur trowel or fish knife under the fl esh at the tail,
-

and raise up the flesh to th e head ,then divide the side in

the middl e ,giving h alf of the side to each person ,an d
leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish .

Hnnnme s should be helped by giving one to each person .

EEL S are always cut in small pieces,and all the attention

required is that those which are the larges t are the b est _
.

P Arrrss
f
ANDE NT R E E S ought to be so arranged that they
can be served with a spoon ,and require no carving The .

roast is therefo re the next thing that call s for ob s ervation .

A L EG or MUT T ON is,or rather ought to be served exactly

the reverse side to a haunch of mutton that is ,it ought
to lie on the flat side,and so show the beveled side to the
carver A slice is out in the center and then th e carver
.

is to cut to th e bone right and left,the thick side being

mo s t e ste eme d The best fat is th at which lies at the thi ck
.

end,near to th e bone ;there is not much of it,b ut it is

considered a delicacy .

A Smno m o r BEEF .
-
The most elegant way to this cut

j oint is by makin g an incision from th e chi ne bone to the -

fl ap,directly in the center ,and helping from either side .

Howev er,thi s is not the most economical way and there

fore it is to be cut thin on the outside ,from the chine bone -

to the flaps ,with fat fro m underneath Many people like

.

—
the under side ,or inner loin If this is eaten h o t and it
.

—
is best h o t the j oint shoul d be turned,and the meat out
across in slices rather thicker than from the top side .

Great care should be taken not to splas h the gravy in turn

ing,by pla cing the fork well into the fl ap,so as to s ecure a
firm hold .
86 CAR VIN G .

A F O B E Q U AR TE R LAMB should be carved without

or

re mo v rng th e sho ulder f om the di sh on which it is served

, r .

This is very di fficult ;b ut if well done ,very elegant .

Firs t,then ,let us give all the directions necessary for this
dish When it comes before the carver,he sho uld place
.

the carving kn fe under, th e shoul der,and dexterously ré

-
i

move it Having so done ,he sho ul d place under the

.

s ho u l der a slice of fresh butter ,and then prepare some

s alt,cayenne pepper,and the j uice of an orange or a ,

lemon ,which should be also poured over the part of the

lamb from whi ch the sh oul der has been sep a ated , and
‘

r
then pour th e grav y with the gravy S poon o ver the lamb , -

s o that the b utter ,etc ,may amalgamate well with the

.

ra Y have then the breast and the ribs , n d t h

"

g v y . o u a e

shoul der on the dish ,ready to help y our friends B efore .

separating th e rib s ,yo u must cut o ff the breast,the bones

‘

o f which the b utcher has previously broken ,so as to enable

y o u to do it wi th ease A s ,however.
, many peop le cannot
c arve so much in one dish,perhaps the better plan is to
place the shoulder on a separate dish ,when it c an b e cut
‘

p recise ly as a sho ulder of m utton , and the ribs and bre ast
c an be more easily divided and h elp ed Al ways take c are .

that the butcher joints the meat,or no man c an c arv e it v

.

leg and a loin ,gi ving either part to tho s e who prefer it .

A SAD D L E OF L AMB must be carved like a saddle ‘

o f
mutton .

A L OIN LAMB
shoul d always be divided at the chine
or

end of the bone ,and helped in chops .

A Hu m an o r VE NISO N o n MUT T O N is the leg and

of the loin It Sho uld be cut across,near the

”

. ,

and then another out should pass down the center T h e .

slices should b e taken from the left and the right of this
those on th e left ,c ontaining the most fat,are preferred b y
 CA R VIN G .
37

epicures The fat and gravy m ust be equally distributed

. .

T h ese j o ints sh ould always be serv ed on a h o t water dish, -

o r on a dish with a lamp unde r it ,so as to keep the meat

hot Without one or other of the s e contrivances ,no o n e

.

should presume to give a haunch of ven i son to h is friends .

B efore it is sent to table ,the cook s houl d pour over the

haunch one w ine glassful of hot port wine
-
.

AN E D GE B O NE O F BEE F sho uld b e placed on the dish

-

standing on the thickest end The carver sho uld first cut .

off a slice horizontall y from the end to the fat ,an inch
thi ck ;b ut in helpin g,it cannot be out too thin ,giving
to each p e rson hard and soft fat If cut thick it is hard .

and indigestible .

A RO U ND on B UTT O CK O F BEEF is out like a fill et O f veal

that is,a slic e hav ing been horizontally removed all round,
the slices should be out very thin and very e v en To .

properly c arve a large ro und of beef,a long carving knife , -

s uch as is used i n a cook shop ,i s necessary

- .

A FIL L E T O F VEAL is a solid piece of meat with out

bone ;it is therefore easily carv ed by any one who pos
sesses a sharp kn ife the guard of the fork should be up,
to prevent accidents T he v eal sho uld be well roasted ;
.

for if the gravy is in it ,it is very unwholesome The slice s .

may be out thicker than beef, and the stuffing should be

found in the center,and in th e flap which surro unds it .

A
’ ‘
BREAST o r VEAL I he richest part of this is called
.
-

the briske t The knife m ust be put abo ut four in ches from
.

th1 s ,and out through it ,which will separate the ribs from
‘

the brisket serve whichever is liked .

CAL F
’
HE AD is a di sh much esteemed here ; b ut, as
s

gen erally eaten ,plainly boil ed ,it is tasteless ,in s ipid ,and
very obj e ctio nab le —while cooked it la tortue ,as in France ,
nothin g can be better It sho uld always be boned and
.
88 CAR VIN G .

rolled b ut if served whole ,it is to be c ut down the center,

and help e d in slices from either side A portion of the
.

sweetbread,which generally accompanies a boiled calf s ’

he ad, should be given w ith each por tion If the fl esh .

abo ut the socket of the eye be preferred ,the eye itself b e

i n g always taken o ut,the knife shoul d b e inserted into the

orifice ,and the meat s c ooped o ut The palate —generally

.

esteemed a delicacy is situated under the head T hi s .

should be cut into small portion s ,so that every one may
have a share .

SHOUL D ER o r MU TT O N —— .T h e j o mt being placed with the

r

knuckle toward the ri ght hand , observe that there is an

an g ular pie c e of fat next y o u Hav ing helped your com
.

pany from this part ,yo u may,perhaps ,imagine that your

shoulder of mutton is exhausted ,and will not yield a fur
ther div idend Ho w ever,yo u may get from both sides of
.

a larg e shoulder enough to help ten people ,provided your

slices are not too thick , which they should not be .

~
The fat is to be c ut from the aforesaid angular bit in slices,
longways . After the right and left sides are exhausted ,
and the carver s topped by the knuckle on one side an d the
blade bone on the other,the end of the shoulder is to be
-

turned,and cut straight do wn from the center bone to the

n d,comprising the three best slices of the joint If more
e .

is required,the shoulder may be reversed o n the dish,a nd

four good slices will be fo und on the under side .

S AD D L E O F M —
ow This best j oint of the sheep is
urr
carved in several ways ;the usual way i s to cut from the
tail to the end close to the chi ne bone ,taking the slices
-

horizontally An other plan is to o ut close to the back

.

bone ,taking slices sideways , so as to help ea c h person

with a piece like a mutton chop ,without the bone and very
thin An other way is to commence ,not quite close to the
.

back bone,and s o cut slices,ro unding them a little that

-

they will curl on the plate ,cutting in such a way that the
 four pieces ,and getting two slices on either side o f the
hare The ear is c onsidered the best part Another way
. .

of carving a hare 1 s by taking O ff the legs and sho ul d ers,

and c utting it ro und thro ugh the ba ck bone ,di viding into
-

se v en or eight pieces It is better to bone a hare

. .

A RAB BIT is carved very differently

The legs and
.

sho ul ders are to be taken o ff,and the back di vi ded into

three or fo ur pieces .

F O WL s when boil ed have their legs bent inwards,and

tucked into the belly A fowl must never be r emoved from
.

the dish and placed upon the carver s plate nothing can be
’

mor e vulgar The wing is to b e removed with a good slice

.

of the breast,the o nl y difficul ty being to hi t the j oint T O .

e ffect this,the knife is to b e passe d between the le g and

the b ody,and the leg turned back with the fork T o take
m
.

of fthe merrythought the carver m ust co mence j ust above

where the breast turns ,and cut down slanting ;then b e
gin at the rump end,and cut the breast at either side,
keeping the fork in that part of the breas t nearest the
rump ,and turning it toward the carver ; the side bones -

may easily be removed,the back broken in half,and the

two sides are then easily taken o fi All this can only be
’

learned by practice and altho ugh we hav e endeavored to

describe it,we feel that it requires practice to carry o ut
the directions .

A PHEAS ANT is carved precis ely as a fowl It is o nl y .

necessary to say that ladies like the wings and breast .

WIL D D U CK —This bird is only helped from the breast,

.

which is to be first scored in such a way as afterward to

form the slice L emon j uice ,cayenne ,salt,and port win e
.

made hot,sho uld be ready to po ur over i t ;then the pre

v io usly scored slices are to be cut and helped The breast.

is the only eatable part,except when hashed .

 CAR VIN G .
91

P AB T BID GB - m
T his
bird is carved precisely as a fowl .

The legs and the back are the best parts give them to the
ladies ,and le t the res t of the company have the wings and
br e ast
.

PIG E O N S are us ually cut straight down the middl e ,and a

half sent to each person .

T UR KE Y S are carved like geese Never make a wing cut

.

from th e win g or pini on upward,and not from the breast

downward Give yo ur knife a slight angle in cutting,and
.

your sli ce will be larger and better .

G OO SE— To i
g ve a description of carving a goose i s to
say,simply,begin from the wing and cut the sli c es from
the breast up to the b re as t b o n e ,and serve each person
f

wi th a sli ce ,with some s tufling and gra vy T o cut a wing .

or le g is vulgar in the extreme ;for a large party ,then ,a

second goose is necessary b ut lest o ur readers shoul d say,
That is an easy way to avoid telling us how we o ught to
di smember thi s bird , we will contin ue If yo u wish to .

do a v ul g ar thing,and dismember a goose ,put your fork

into the small end of the pinion ,and press it close to the
body,then put in the knife and divide the j oint down to
separate the le g,first put the fork into the small end of the
bone,pressing it to the body,then pass y o ur knife be
.
‘

tween the le g and the body,turn the leg back with your
fork ,and it will come o ff It is impossible that anything
.

b ut experience will teac h a person how to do this expertly

b ut as we said before ,it never s ho uld be done when served
hot It has been said frequently,that a goose is too much
.

for one , and not enough for two This means that the .

breast,whi ch is the only eatab le part of a roasted goose,

is ,supposing the person to e at nothi ng els e ,too much for
one and not enough for two people s dinn ers ; another ’

reason for never cutting o ff or eating the legs h o t,is that

they make a most excellent devil for breakfast the next
day—therefore,why destroy a dish fit for a king
92 C AR VIN G .

Wo o n coo xs AND These are both carved alike

the necessary d ire e ing : remove the sand bag,
,
-

which contains th e ? is generally protrudes lift up

the breast near the rump ;spread the tail on your toast
c ut the wing,le g,and part of the back ,the win g being cut

full,that is,with plenty of the breast attached thereto,

and yo u have one po rtion with a third O f the toast ;serve
the other Si de alike ,v utlfr anoth er third of the toast,and
the breast and the rest o fi th e back gi ve to the person y o u
'

‘
s

esteem the least ;in fact,th e legs ,wings ,an d back ,as b e
fore described ,are the best,and should be served together .

Sni pes should be cut in half,unless you have eno ugh to

give a bird to each person .
 E T I Q U E T T E O F T HE B A L L AN D
A S S E MB L Y R O O M .

D AN CING has been defined as a graceful movement of

the body,adj usted by art to the measures or tunes of in
s tr ume nts , or of voice ; and again, agreeable to the
true genius of the art,dancing is the art of expressing the
s entiments of the mind , or the s , by meas ured
pas ions
.

s teps o r boun ds made in cadence ,by regulated motions of

the figure and by graceful gestures all perfo rmed to the
’

s ound of musical instruments or the voice

”
.

L ord Chesterfield , in his letters to his s o n, says

Dancing is ,in itself,a very trifl ing and silly thing : b ut
it is one o fthose established folli es to which people of sense
are sometimes obliged to conform and then they should
be able to do it well An d tho ugh I wo uld not have y ou a
.

dancer,yet,when y o u do dance ,I woul d have y o u dance

well,as I woul d have yo u do everything yo u do we
In anoth er letter ,he writes Do yo u mindyour dancmg
w hil e your dan cing master is with y o u As y o u will be
often under the nece s sity of dancing a minuet,I woul d
h ave y o u danc e it v ery well R emember that the graceful
.

motion of the arms ,the giving of your hand ,and the put
ting o lf and putting on of yo ur hat genteelly,are the ma
te rial parts of a g entleman s dancing B ut the greates t
’
.

advantage o f dan cing w ell is ,that it nec e ss arily teach e s

y o u to present yo u rself,to sit ,stand ,and wa lk gentee lly ;
”
all O f which are of real importance to a man of fashion .

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a b all he will at

’
once proceed with her to th e door of the ladies dressing
91: E TIQ UE T TE OF THE

ro om ,there leav mg her and then repair to the gentlemen s ’

dr es sing room
-
In the mea n time ,the lady,after adj us t
.

ing her toile t,will retire to the ladies sitting room or wait ’
-

at th e door of the dres s ing room ,according as the apart

-

m ents may b e arranged , After the gentleman has divested

imself of hat,etc ,and placed the same in the car e of the
h .

man havin g charge of the h at room ,receiving therefor a-

check ,and after arranging his toil et ,he will proceed to the
ladies sitting room ,or wait at the entrance to the la dies
’ ’
-

dressing roo m for the lady whom he accompanies ,and with

-

her enter th e ball room -

.

The la dies dres sing room is a sacred precin c t,into whi ch

’
-

no gentleman shoul d eve r pr e su me to look to e nter it

woul d be an outrage not to be o verlo oked or forgi v en .

With the etiqu ette of a bal room ,so far as it goes,th er e

l-

are b ut few people unacquainted C ertain person s are ap

“
.

pointed to act as fl oor managers,or there will be a as M

ter of the C eremoni es , whose office it is to s e e that e very
”

thing be conduc ted in a proper manner if yo u are entirely

a stranger,it is to them yo u must apply for a partner,and
point o ut " quietly) any young lady with who yo u sho ul d m
like to d ance,when ,if there be no obv i ou s inequ ality of
position ,they will present yo u for that purpose ;sho ul d
there be an obj e ction ,they will probably select some o n e
they co n sid er mor e s uitable b ut do not ,on any account ,
go to a strange lady by yours elf,and reque st her to dance ,
”
as she w ill unhesitatin gly d e cline the honor, and think
o u an imp ertinent f ell ow for yo ur pr es umption
y .

gentleman introdu c e d to a lady by a fl oor m

A anager,
or the Master of C eremoni e s ,should not b e r e fuse d by th e
lady if s h e b e not alre a dy engag e d,fo r h er r e fu s al w o ul d
-

b e a breach of good man n e rs as the Maste r of Ce re mo

nie s is s uppo s e d to be c ar e ful to introduc e only g e ntle m e n
“
who are unexception able B ut a gentlem an who is nu
.

qualifie d as a dan c er should neve r seek an introduction .

 B AL L AN D
’

A S S EMB L Y R OOM .
95

At a private party,a gentlem an may offer to dance with a

lady wi thou t an introdu ction ,b ut at balls the rul e is differ
e re n t .Th e gentleman sho uld r e s pe c tfully o ffer his arm to
th e lady who consents to dance with him ,and le ad h e r to
h e r pla c e . At the conclusion of the s et he will c o ndu ct
h e r to a seat ,offe r h e r any attentio n ,or con v ers e with h e r .

A gentle man sho uld no t dan c e with h is wife ,and not too
O ften with the lady to whom he is engaged .

An y
presentation to a lady in a p ublic ba ll room ,for -

the mere p urpose of dancing ,does not entitle y o u to claim

her acquaintance afterwards ;therefore ,should yo u me e t
her,at mo s t y o u may li ft your hat ;b ut even that is bet
\

ter avoided unless ,indeed ,she first b o w—as neither she

—
nor her friends can know who or what yo u are .

Ininviting a lady to dance with yo u,the words, Will

u h o no r me with your hand for a qua d r ill e or , Shall
y o

I have the ho no r of d ancin g this set with y o u are mo re

used now than Shall I have the pleas ure ? or, ”
Will
y o u g ive me the p lea s ure of dan c ing with y o u

If she answers th at she is engage d,merely request her

to name the earliest dan c e for w hich she is no l engaged ,
and when she will do yo u the honor,of dancing with yo u
”

J When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman ,

it is her duty to give him a reason why,altho ugh s o me
tho ughtless ones do not No matter how friv olo us it may
.

be ,it is simply an act of c ourtesy to o fier him an excuse

'

w hile ,on the other hand ,no gentleman ought so far to

c o mpromise h is s elf respect as to t ake the s ligh test O fien c e
-

at s eeing a lady by whom he h as j ust been refus e d,d ance

im media tely after with some one else .

Ne ver wait until the sign al is given to t ake a partn er, ’

fo r nothing is more impo lite than to invite a la dy ha s tily,

and when the dancers are alr eady in th e i r plac es ;it can

b e al owed only when the s e t is in c o mple e

l t .
 B e v ery careful not to forge t an engagement It is an
.

unpar donable b reach of po liteness to ask a lady to dance

with y o u,and neglect to remind h er o f her pro mise when
the time to redeem it comes .

If a friend b e engage d when y o u re questher to dan c e ,

and she promises to b e your partner for the next or any of
th e following dan c es ,do not neglect her when the tim e
'

c omes ,b ut be in readiness to fu
l fill yo ur office as her cava
lier, or she may think that yo u have studi o usly slighted
her,besides preventing her obliging some one else Even .

inattention and forgetf ulness,by showing how little yo u

care for a lady,form in themselves a tacit insult .

In aquadrill e ,or other dance ,whil e awaiting th e music ,

or while unengaged,a lady and gentleman sho uld av oid
long c onvers ations,as they are apt to interfere with the
progre ss of th e dance whil e ,on the other hand,a g entle
man sho uld not stand like an automaton ,as though he
were afraid of his partner,b ut endeavor to render hims elf
agreeable by thos e airy nothings whi ch amuse for the
moment,and are in harmony truth the occasion .

The customary honors of a b o w and courtesy should be

gi ven at the commencement and conc lusion of each dan ce .

Lead the lady through the quadrill e do not drag her, .

nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood,lest she ,not

unj ustly ,think yo u a bear.

Y ou will not,if yo u are Wi se , stand up in a quadril

witho ut knowing something of the fig ure ;and if yo u are
master of a few of the steps,s o much the b etter B ut danc e
.

quietly ;fl o no t kick and caper about,nor sway your bo dy

to and fro dance only fro m the hips do wnwards an d le ad
the lady as l gh tly as you would tread a meas ure with a
i

S pirit of goss ame r

.
 ETIQ UETTE OF THE

N0 person s engaged in a quadrill e or other dance that

require s the1 r assistance to complete the set,should le ave
the room or sit down before the dance is finished ,unle ss
on a very urgent occasion ,and not even then without pre
v ro usly info rmin g th e M aster of C eremo ni es ,that he may
'

fin d substitutes .

If a lady waltz with y o u,be ware not to press h er waist

y o u m u st on ly lightly to uch it with the palm o f your hand ,
lest y o u leav e a disagreeable impress ion not only o n her
ceinture,b ut o n her m ind .

Above all,do not be prone to quarrel in a ball room it

-

di sturbs the harmony of the company,and sho ul d be avo id

ed ii possible R ecollect that a tho usand little derelie
.

tions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance

,
or stupidi ty of the aggressor,and n o t from any intention
-

to annoy remember,also ,that the really w ell bred w omen

-

will no t thank yo u for making them conspic uou s by over

of ficio us ne s s in their defence ,unless ,indeed,there be some
serious or glaring v iolation of decorum In small matters,
.

ladies are b o able and willing to take care of themselves,

and would prefer b eihg all owed to overwhelm the un lucky
o ffenderin their o wn way .

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assem

blage of ladies ,where it is absolutely impossible to make
his way without disturbing them or when he is obliged to
go in front ,b ecaus e he cannot get behind them,it is b ut
common courtesy for him to express his regret at bein g
compelled to annoy them .

A gentleman having two ladies in charge may,in the

absence of friends ,address a stranger,and offer him a part
ner ,asking his name previous to an introduction ,and men
tio ning that of the lady to him or not ,as he may think
proper.
 B AL L AND A SS EMBL Y R OOM .
99

It is improper to e ngage or reengage a lady to dance

witho ut the p ermi ssi on of her partner .

Never forget that ladies are to be first c ared for,to have

the best seats,the plac es of distinction ,and are enti tled in
all cases to yo ur co urteous prote c tion .

Young ladies shoul d av oid sauntering through an assem

b ly room al one they sho uld either be accompanied by their
-

g u ar di an or a g e nt leman .

Neither married nor young la dies should leave a ball

room assemblage ,o r other party,u nattended The former
m
.

shoul d be accompanied by other arried ladies ,and the

latter by their mother or guardi an O f course,a gentle
.

man is a sufficient companion for either .

Young la di es shoul d avoid attempting to take part in a

dance ,particul arly a qua drille ,unless they are familiar
with the fig ures Besides rendering themselves awkward
.

and confused ,they are apt to create ill feeling,by inter -

fe ring with ,and annoyin g others It were better for them

.

to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the

‘

chances of makin g themselves conspi c uous ,and the s ub

j e c t of animadve rsion A s.we have elsewhere said ,modest y
of deportment sho uld be the shining and pre eminent char
ac teris tic of woman . She shoul d be modest in her attire ,
in lan g uage ,in manners and general demean or B eauty .

be c omes irresistible when alli ed ti) this lodestone of attrae

tion plainness of features is o verlooked by it even posi
tiv e h o melin e s s is rendered agreeable by its in fluence
‘
.

When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball,he sho uld

dance with her first,or o ffer so to do and it sho uld be his
c are to see that she is prov i ded with a partner whenever
she desires to dance .

After dancing,a gentleman shoul d invariably conduct a

lady to a seat ,unle s s she otherwise desires and,in fact ,a
lady shoul d not be unattended,at any time ,in a public as
se mb ly

When y cond uct your partner to her seat,thank her

ou

for the p leasure she has conferred upon yo u,and do not

remain too long conversing with her .

When that long and anxiously desiderated hour ,the

ho ur of supper ,has arrived ,yo u hand the lady yo u attend
up or down to the s upper table -
Y o u remain with her
.

whil e she is at the table ,seeing that she has all that she
desires ,and then conduct her back to the d ancing rooms -
.

If,wh n e walking up and down a publi c promenade ,yo u

shoul d meet friends or acquain tanc es whom yo u don t ’

intend to j oin , it is only nece s sary to salute them the first

time of passing ;to bow or nod to them at every round
woul d be tiresome ,and therefore improper hav e no fear ‘

that they will deem yo u odd or unfriendly,as,if they have

any sense at all,they can appreciate your reasons If y o u
.

hav e anything to say to them ,j oin them at once .

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all

can t terms and phrases from conversation ,not only in
assembly rhoms ,b ut on all occasions ; and we would par
-

ticularly caution o ur yo un g lady friends against even the

recognition o f those équic o ques and do uble entendre which
th e other sex sometimes inconsiderately,b ut oftener deter
mine dly,introduce .

Neither by smiles nor blushes shoul d they betray any

knowledge of the hidde n m eani ng th at lurks within a phrase
of doubtful import nor seem to re c o gnize anything whi ch
they could not with propriety openly make a subj ect of
discourse Al l indelicate expressions sho uld be to them as
.

the Sanscrit language is to most people ) inc o mpreh e nsi

b le A11 wanton glances and grimaces ,whi ch are by lib
.
manners than their extraordinary refin ement O n being .

solicited b y an acquaintance ,whom he respected for h is

kindness of heart and integrity rather than for ll l S mental
a ccompli shment s , to dance with his daughter, he con
sented,and was a cc ordin gly introduced to a very beautiful
yo ung lady Ere th e i danc e commenced, and whil e th e
.

musici ans were performing the Anvil C horus , from

'

Trovatore , the young lady asked

”
Do yo u know what
’
that ere is
S uppo s mg that she meant a ir,and wi shing to giv e her
an opportunity of making herself h appy in the tho ught of
imparting a valuable piec e o f information ,inutter dis re
gard of the principles of Mr s O p “
ie ,he rep lied , No ”

“ “
. .

‘
Why, s aid she, that s the Anv el C ore ri o us
” ’
- -
.
”

With an expletive more profane than polite ,he suddenly

foun dhis admiration for the lady as m uch dimini s hed by
her ignorance , as it had before been exalted by her

as s e mb lie s , it should be the

‘

At pr1 v ate , e fio rt
of both
'

ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as

poss ible to all parties With this purpo se in v iew, the
.

latter should ,therefore ,avoid showing marked preference s

to particular ladies, either by de voting their u ndivided
“
attentions or dancing exc lusively with them T oo often , .

th e belle of the evening,with no other c harms than beauty

of form and feature ,monopolizes the regards of a circle of
admirers ,while modest merit,of less personal attraction ,

conduct of those , p articularly the “

is both overlooked and neglecte d W e honor the generous
.

w ell favored , who

-
”

besto w their attentions on ladies who ,from conscious lack

of beauty,least expect them .

O n the other hand ,no lady,however numerous the soli

citations o f her admirers ,sho ul d c onsent to dan ce repeat
e dl y,when ,by so doing , she excludes other ladies fro m

participating in the same amusement still less ,as w e hav e

 B AL L AN D A S SE MBL Y R OOM
.

elsewhere hinted , shoul d she dance exclusively with the

same gentlem an ,to the disadvant age of others .

Bo th ladies and gentlemen shoul d be c areful abo ut ln

i
tro duc g
n persons to ea c h other wi tho ut being first s ati s ~
fie d that such a course will be mutually agreeable .

The custom,in this country,particularly among gentle

men ,of indiscriminate introdu ctions ,is carried to such a
ri di cul ous extent,that it has often been made the s ub j ect
of c omment by foreign ers ,who can discover no possible
advanta g e in being made acquainted with others with
whom they are not likely to associate for three min utes,in
whom they take not the slightest int erest,and whom they
probably will never again encounter,nor re c o gmz e if they
s hould. Besi des,every one h as a right to exercise his own
j udgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances ,and
it is clearly a breach of pol teness to thrust them upon
i

y o u r friend or associate ,withou t knowin g whether it will

be agreeable to either party .
 E VE NI N G P A R T I E S .

etiquette of the ball room being di sp o sed of,let

T HE -
us
now enter slightly into that of an evening party .

The invitations issued and accepted for an ev ening party

will be written in the same style as those al ready described
for a dinner party T he y shoul d be sent o ut at leas t three
-
.

we eks before the day fix ed fqr th e event,and should be

replied to within a week of their receipt,a c cepting or de
c lin1 ng wi th re gr e ts By attending to these courtesies,
.

the gue s ts will h av e time to consider their engagements

and pr ep are their dresses ,and the hostess will also know
what will b e the number of h e r p arty .

A lady,in vited to an evening party,may request a gen

tle man to a c company her,e v en tho ugh he may not have
re c eiv ed an invitation from the hostess .

In most of the American cities nine o clo ck is the hour

’

which cust o m has established as the time for the lady to

be in her parlor ,ready to receive her guests,and by ten
o cl ock all the guests should arrive It is an affectation ,
’
.

n o t entirely devoid of ass umption and imp u dence ,for pe o

l e to p urpos ely delay their appearance till a v ery late

p
ho ur .

ir

the la dies and gentlemen arrive,e ach should he shown

As
to a room e x clusively prov ided for their re c eption ; and
the gentleman conducts th e la dy in his charge to the door
of the la dies dre s sin glro o m,while he goes to the gentle
’
 1 06 E VE N IN G P AR TIE S .

by all
pr e sent ,its observance is not the less neces sary It .

is the thoughtless absen c e of good manners in large and

mixe d companies ,where a greater degree of studied polite ;
ness is indispe nsable, that renders them sometimes so
unpleasant .

A separate room o rconv enient b ufi e t sho uld be appro

priate d for refreshments , and to which the dancers may
retire ; and cake s and bis cuits,with lemonade , handed
roun d

O f course a supper is provided at all private parties and

this requi res ,o n the part of the ho s tess,a great deal of
at tenti on and supervision It usually takes place between
.

the fi rst and second parts of the programme of the dances,

of which there should be several prettily written o r prin ted
copies di s tributed about the room
”
.

It will be well for the hostess,even if she be very partial

to the am usement ,and a gra c eful dancer,not to participate
~
in it to any great extent,lest her lady g uests should have
o c c a s ion to complain of her monopoly of the gentlem en ,
and other causes of neglect .

A few dan c es will s uffic e to show her interest in the en

tertainment; without unduly trenching on the attention
due to her guests .

The hostess or host,during the pro gres s o f a party,will

’

co urteo usly accost and chat with th ei r friends,and take

care that the la di es are furnish e d with seats ,and that tho s e
wh o wish to d ance are p rovided with partners A gentle
.

hint from the h o stess ,conveyed in a qui et ladylike man

n e r,that c ertain ladi es h av e remained unengag e d during

se veral d anc e s ,is sure n o t to be neglecte d by any gentle

man Thus will be studi ed the comfort and enj o yment of
.

the g uests,and no lady,in leaving the house ,will be able

to feel the chagrin an d di s appo intmen t of not having been
 E VE ATIN G PA R TIES .

stand up in a dance d ur i ng the who le

For any of the members,either sons or daughters ,of

the famil y at whose ho use the p arty is gi ven ,to danc e fre
quently or constantly,denotes decided ill bre e ding T h e
-
.

ladies of the ho use should not oc c upy thos e places in a

quadrill e whi ch others may wish to fill,and they sho uld,

moreov er,be at leis ure to attend to the rest of the com
.

pany ; and the gentlemen shoul d be entertaining the

married ladies and those who do not dance .

In p rivate parties,a lady is n o t to refuse the invitation

of a gentleman to dance ,unless she be previously engaged .

T h e hostess must be suppo s ed to have asked to her h ouse

only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly re
s pe c tab le and of unble m ished character,as well as pretty
equal in p o sition and thus,to decline the o der of any
gentleman present,woul d be a tacit reflection on the gen
tle man or lady of the ho use
i

If one lady refuses y o u,do not ask another who is seated

near her to dan c e the same set Do not go i mme diately
.

to another lady,b ut chat a few moments with th e one

whom yo u first invited,and then join a group or gentlemen
friends for a few moments ,before seeking another partner .

In private parties ,where dancing is the chi ef part of the

e vening s entertainment,it is not in conformity wi h the
’

rules of etiquette for a young lady to dance with o n e ge ntle

man r epeatedly,to the exclusion of all others wh o may s o lici t
her hand , even though the favored in dividual b e h er
suitor However comp limentary to th e lady,to be th e
.

recipient of a gentlem an s undivided att entio n s, or how

’

ever gratifying it may be for him to manifest his devotion

to the lady of his choice ,such a course is an exhibition o f
selfishness whi ch ought not to be displayed in an assem
 ,

blage of la dies and gentlemen who hav e con gregated for

It is not considered co mme él fa ut to ask a married lady

to dance ,when her husband i s present,without previously
ascertaining whether it be agreeable to him .

Gentlemen will not get together in gro up s to the neg

lect of the la di es.

T he members of an family should never be seen

1 n v 1 te d

conversing with ea ch othe r at a party

If yo u accompany yo ur wi fe to a dan eing party,be care z X
’

ful not to dance with her,except perhaps the first set .

Where there are no programmes ,engagements shoul d

no t be made until the dance is announced .

When the dance 1 s over,the gentleman conducts his

partner to her seat ;and ,unless he chooses to sit beside
her,bows and wi th draws .

While dancing ,a lady should co nsider herself engaged

to her partner ,and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirta .

tion ,between the figures,with another gentleman and

shoul d recoll ect that it is the gentleman s part to lead her,
’

and hers to foll ow his directions .

In a circle ,w e should not pass b efore a lady ;neither -

shoul d we present anything by exten ding the arm over h er,

b ut pass ro und behi nd and pr e se nt it In c ase we carmot
.

do it,we say,I ask yo ur p ardo n,etc .

In ascending a staircase with ladies ,go at their side or

before them .

A correct ear for mus ic does not pertain to every one,

and those who deficie nt in
this re s pect should refrain
'

are

from dancin g . L et not the unpracticed dancer attempt

110 E VENING PA R TIES .

We conclude stricture s on thi s sub ject with the fo l

o ur

lowing passage from the essays of Addison “B ut what

an ab surd th ing it is ,to pass over all the val uable ch arac
teris tics of in di viduals , and fix o ur attention on their
‘

infi r —
mitie s to observe their imperfec tio ns more than their
—
virtues and to make us e of th em for th e sport of others,
rather than for o ur own improvement .

In whatever relation with the fair sex,and under what

soever c ircumstances ,it is the duty— w e may add ,the
practice—o i a gentleman to so deport himself as to avoid
giv ing any cause of o ffense . c

In private partie s ,where people meet for the pleasure of

m
conversation ,re ember occasionally to change your place .

O pportunities will readily occur,such,for instance ,as the

op ening of a portfolio of prints,or the showing of any
article of taste or science Y o u will thus avoid the awk
.

wardness of being either left alone ,or constraining the

m ast er or mi stress of the house to commiserate y o ur is o l
a ted condition .

If yo u are asked by the lady of the house ,at an e vening

party,to sing,and yo u can really do so well ,comp ly at
once b ut never sing at the reque st of another person If .

o u cannot or do not choose to sing,say s o at on c e with

y
serio usness and gravity,and put an end to the expectation
promptly After singing once or twice ,cease and give
.

place to oth ers .

When singing or playing 1 s gow g on ,if yo u have no

tast e for music ,y o u sho ul d still be pro fo rmdly silent To .

c onverse ,is annoying to the r e s t of the c ompany, r ude to

th e mistress of the house ,and cruel to the performer .

C arefully avoid peculiarities of manner ;and every

all

wish to sho w o fi,or to absorb conversation to yourself B e

’

also very c are ful no t to appear to be wiser than the com

 ENING P AR TIES
EV .
111

pany If a fact in history is mentioned,even if it be not

.

quite c orrect ,do not set th e narrator right,unle s s i n a very

delicate and submis si v e manner If an e ngrav mg of
.

dis tant sc enery or foreign buil dings is shown,do not in dus

trio us ly point o u
t inacc ura c ies m
It ay be that such Oc c ur,
.

b ut fin ding fault is never ac c eptable it conv eys a c e nsure

on the taste o r information of the poss essor or it s uggests
—
that he has been imposed pon an idea whic h is always
u

productive of mo rtificatio n S uch attempts to appear

.

wiser than the re s t of the company,interfere with the

pleasure of the party,and the person who falls into them "

is never long acceptable .

People Sometimes say,that they are not invited to par

ties ;they complain o f neglect,and are o ut of humor with
the world Let such persons consi der whether they hav e
.

not brought upon themselves the neglect which they

de plore .

Should the guests be numerous ,and the space scarcely

sufi cie nt for their accommodation ,it wo uld be c onsid ered

extremely ill bred to take a p la c e previously engaged or,

-

when joining a country dance ,to p ush in at the middle or

upper end Y o u must take your station below the las t
.

co uple who are stan din g up .

If there be a supper,the gentleman shoul d conduct to

the s upper room his last partner,unless he have a prior
-

engagement,or is a sked by the host to do otherwis e In .

the latter case ,he should pro vi de his partn er with a s ub

s titute ,at the same time making a handsome apology .

No gentleman shoul do ffer hi s s er vic es to conduc t a lady

home ,without being acquainted w ith her,unle s s he hav e
been requested so to do by the host .

When any of the carriages of the guests are announced,

or the time for their departure arrived,they sho uld make
112
'

EV ENING PA R TIES .

a slight intimation to the hostess ,without ,however,excit

ing any observation,that they are about to dep art If this
.

cannot be done with o ut c reating too much b ustle ,it will

be better for the v is itors to retire quietly witho ut saying
good night,for when people are seen to be leaving,it often
-

break s up the party An opportuni ty,howev er,may pre

.

v i o us ly be sought of intimating to the hostess y o ur in te n

tion to retire ,whi ch is more respe ctful .

D uring the course of the week ,the hostess will expect

to receive from every guest a call,where it is possible ,or
cards expressing the gratification exp erienc ed from her
e ntertainment . y lady for the
T his attention is due to e v er
pains and trouble she has been at,and tends to promote
social ,kin dly feelin gs .
 114 VIS ITIN G
"
.

req uested to do so by the mistress of the h o use Some .

trouble is necessarily required in rep lacing th em,and this

o ught to be avoided If,however,your visi t of c eremony
.

is to a particular friend ,the case is difie re nt ;b ut ev en

'

then,it is best to wait till y o u are i n vi ted to do so ;and

when y o u rise for th e p urpose the lady of th e house w ill
a s sist y o u .

F avorite dogs are nev er welcome v is itors in a drawing

room Many people have even a dislike to such animals
. .

They requir e watchi ng,lest they should leap upon a chair

or sofa,or place th emselves upon a lady s dress ,and atten ’

tions of this kin d are much o ut of place Neither ought a .

mother,when p aying a ceremonial visit,to be accompanied

by young children It is frequently difi cult to amuse
.
-

them ,and ,if not particularly well trained at home ,they

nat ur ally s eize hold of books ,o r those ornaments with
which it is fashionable to decorate a drawing room The -
.

lady o f the ho use trembles for the fat e of a beautiful shell,

’

or vase ,or costly book She does no t like to express her

.

un easiness ,and y e t knows not how to refrai n Therefore .

leave the c hildren at home ;or,if they accompany y o u in

‘

the carria g e ,let them remain till your visit is over If yo u .

have an infant,the nurse ma y await yo ur ret urn ,or be left

in an ante room,unless a decided request be m ade to the
-

contrary .

If during yours h o rt visit the co nversation begin s to fl ag ,

it will be best to retire The lady of the hous e may have
.

s o m e engagement at a fixed ho ur ,and by re m aining e v en a

few minute s lo nger, she may be put to serio us inc o n
v e nie n c e Do not,however,s e em to notice any sil ent hin t,
.

by rising hastily ;b ut take leave with quiet p o liteness,as

if your time were fully expired W hen other v isitors are
.

announced ,retire as soon as possible ,and yet without let

ting it appear that their arrival is the cause Wait till the .

bustle of their entran c e 31 s over,and then rise from your

 I I
V S IT N G
.
15
6
chair,tak e leav e of the hostess ,and bow politely to the
guests B y s o doing y o u will s ave the lady of the hous e
.
'

from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors .

Should yo u call by chance at an incanv enie nt ho ur,when

p erhaps the lady is goin g o ut,or sitting down to luncheon ,
retire as soon as possible ,even if politely asked to remain .

Y o u ne e d not let it appear that y o u feel yours elf an

intruder ; every well bred or even good tempered pers on
- -

knows what to say on such an o ccas mn b ut poli tely with

draw,with a promise to call again ,if th e lady seems to be
"

really di sappointed .

If yo ur acquaintance or friend is from h ome ,leave a

card , whether yo u call in a carriage or not If in the
it
.

latter ,the servant will answer yo ur inquiry,and receive

your card b ut on no account ask le ave to go in and rest
neither urge your wish if yo u fan cy that the lady whom
y o u desire to see is really at home ,or ev e n if y o u fl atter

yourself that she wo uld make an exception in yo ur favor .

Some people think that the form of words , Not at home , ”

is r e adily understood to mean that the master or mistress

of the ho use have no wis h to see even his o r her most inti
m ate friends However thi s may be,take care that yo u do
.

not attempt to e ffect an entran o

Visits of c o urtesy or c er e mony are uniforml y paid at

Christmas,or at the commencement o f a new ye ar,i nde
p e n de n tly o f fami
'
ly parties ; a good o ld c u s tom , the
observanc e o f which is always ple asing,and whi ch s ho uld
b e carefully attended to It is uniformly right to c all
.

on p atrons , or those from whom kindness has been re

'

c e iv e d.

W h en th e c all er is ab out to leav e th e city for a protracted ab s ence,it is

usual to put th e letters P P 0 in th e left h and corner o f th e card ;th ey
“
. . . are

th e ini tials of
th e French ph ras e o —to tak e leav e ,
, p u r p en d e con g é
r r ”

and m ay w ith equal pro priety s tand fo r pres ents pa rting co p li en ts m m

116 III G
V S T N
5
.

In visiting your i nti mate fri ends ,ceremony may gener

ally be dispense d with .

Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits T hi s

‘

. is
needf ul,because time passes rapidly ;and take note how
soon yo ur calls are returned Y o u will thus be able ,in
.

most cases ,to form an opinion whether or not yo ur frei

quent visits are desired Instances may however occur,
.

when ,in consequence of age or ill he alth ,it is desirable

that yo u should call,without any reference to your v isits
being return ed When desirous to a ct thus,remember
.

that,if possible ,nothi ng should interrupt the discharge of

this d uty .

Among relations and intimate friends ,Vi sits of mere

c eremony are unnecessary It i s , however, needful to
.

c all at suitable times,and to avoid staying too long if your

friend is engaged The co urtesies of so ciety,as already
.

noticed ,must ever be maintained,even in the domestic

circl e ,or among the nearest friends .
‘

In leav ing cards yo u m ust thus di stribute them one for

—
the lady of the house and her daughters the latter are
sometimes represented by turni ng up the edge of the card
—one for the master of the house ,and if the re be a gr own
up son or a near male relation s taymg 1 1 1 the ho use ,one
for him B ut though cards are cheap,yo u m ust nev er
.

leave more than three at a time at the same ho use As .

married men have ,or are s upposed to have ,too m uch to "

do to make ceremonial c alls ,it is the cus to m fo r a wife

‘
'

to take her husban d s cards with her,and to leave one or

’

“
two of them with her own If,on your i nq uiring for th e
.

lady of the house ,the servant replies, Mrs S o and s o is .

- -

not at home ,b ut Miss S o and s o is , y o u should le ave a

- -
”

card,because young ladies do not re c eive calls from gen

tleme n un less they are very intimate with them , or
have passed the rubicon of thirty summers It must be .

remembered ,too ,tha t where there is a lady of the ho use ,

 118 VISITIN G .

if the servant on ce admits a visitor within the hall,yo u .

s houl d recei v e him at any inconvenien ce to your self A .

'

lady should ne v er keep a v i sitor waitin g mo re than a min

ute ,or two at the most ,and if she cannot avoid doing so ,
must apologiz e on entering the drawing room-
.

?I
s
I
”
good society,a visitor,unless he is a complete stran
n

ger, does not wait to be in vited to sit down ,b ut takes

a seat at once e asily A gentleman shoul d never take the
.

principal place in the room ,nor,on the other hand,sit at

an inconvenient distance from the lad of the house He
y .

must hold his hat gracefully,not put it on a chair or

,
table or,if he wants to us e both hands , must p lac e
,

it on the fl oor close to his chair A well bred lady,who is

.
-

receiving two or three visitors at a time ,pays equal atten

tion to all,and attempts ,as much as possible ,to general
ize th e conversation ,turning to all in suc c ession The .

last arrival,howev er, receives a li ttle more attention at first

than the o thers,and the latter,to spare h er e mb arras ment,
should le ave as soon as co nvenient Peop le who o ut sit
.
-

two or thr ee parties of visitors ,unl ess they hav e some par
ticular motive for doing so ,come under the denomination
of “ bores .
“
A bore is a person wh o does not know
”

when yo u have had eno ugh of h is or her comp any .

Be cautious how y o u take an intimate friend uninv ited

even to the house of those with whom y o u may be equally
intimate ,as there is always a feeling of jealo usy that anoth
er should share your tho ughts and feelings to the same ex
tent as themselves,although good breeding will induce
them to behave civ illy to your friend on your ac co unt .

Ladi es in the present day are allowe d considerable

license in paying and receiving visits subject,however,to
certain rules,which it is needful to define .

Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alon e

 VIS ITIN G .
119

by their husbands or elder ladies Thi s rule must never

.

i
be infr nged ,whether as regards exhibitions , or p ublic
librari e s ,muse ums ,or promenades ;b ut a young married
lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age ,
whether married or single Gentlemen are permitted to
.

call on married la di es at their own lio us es S uch calls the .

usages of society permit ,b ut never witho ut the knowledge

and full permission of husbands .

L adie s may walk unattended in the streets ,being careful

—
to pass on as becomes their station neither with a hurried
pace,nor y e t affe c ting to move slowly Shop windows , .
-

in Ne w York especially,afio rd great attraction s b ut it is

'

by no means desirable to be seen stan ding before them ,

and most assure dl y not alone Be careful never to look
.

back ,nor to observe too narrowly the dresses of s uch ladies

as may pass y o u S ho uld a ny o ne venture to address yo u,
.

take no heed,s eem not to hear,b ut has ten your steps Be .

careful to reach home in good time Let nothing e v er in.

d uce y o u to be o ut a fter dusk ,or when the lamps are light

ed Nothing b ut unav o 1 dab le necessi ty can sanction such
.

acts of impr o pri ety.

Lastly,a lady never calls on a gentleman ,unless pro

fe s s io n ally or o ffici ally
. It is not only ill bred,b ut posi
-

tiv ely improper to do s o . At th e same time ,there is a cer

tain privilege in age ,whi ch makes it possible for an o ld
bachelor like mys elf to receiv e a v i sit from any married
lady whom I know very intimately ,b ut such a call wo uld
certain y not be one of cerem o ny,and always presupposes
l

a desire to c onsult me on some point or other I should .

be g uilty of shameful treachery,however,if I told any one

that I had received such a visit,while I should certainly
expect that my fair caller wo ul d le t her husband know of it .

Wh en morning visitors are announced,rise and advance

toward them If a lady enters ,request her to be seated
.

on a s ofa b ut if advan c ed in life,or th e visitor be an elder

1 20 VIS ITIN G .

ly gentleman ,insist on their accepting an e asy chair ,and

p lace yourself,by them If sev eral ladies arrive at the
.

same time ,pay due respe c t to ag e and rank ,and seat them
in th e m o st honorable plac es th e se ,in winter ,are beside
the fire.

S upposing that a yo ung l ady occupies such a seat,and a

l ady older than herself,or superior in c ondition ,enters
the room ,she must ris e imme di ately,and having courteo us
ly o ffered her place to the new comer ,take another in a dif
fere nt part of the room .

If a lady is en gaged with her nee dl e when a visitor arrives,

s h e o ught to discontinu e her work,unl ess requested to do

otherwis e and not even then must it be resumed,unless

on very intimate terms with her acquaintance When .

this,however,is the c ase,the hostess may hers elf request

‘

permi ssi o n to do so T o c ontinue workin g during a visit

.

of ceremony would be extremely di scourteous and we can

not avoid hinting to o ur lady readers,that even when a
particular friend is presen t for o nly a short time ,it is
somewhat incon s i s tent with etiquette to keep their eyes
fixed on a crochet or knitting book ,apparently engaged in
-

coun ting stitches ,or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern .

We have s e en thi s done ,and are ,there fore ,careful to warn

them on the subj ect There are many kinds of light and
.

elegant,and even useful work,whi ch do not requi re close

attention ,and may be profitably pursued ;and such we
recommend to be always on the Work table at those hours -

which , according to establis hed practice, are given to

s oci al intercourse
.

It is generally customary in the country to offer refresh

ment to morning vis itors If they come from a considera
.

b le distance ,and are on intimate terms ,hospitality requires

that yo u should invite them to take luncheon In town it .

is otherwise, and y ou are not expected to ren der any

{
1 22

whi ch it leads,has been ,to o ur certain knowledge ,a more

fruitful source of wretchedness in many homes ,than we
have either time or in clination to relate .

In this changing world,visits of condolence must be also

occasionally paid ;and concerning such, a few necess ary
rules may be briefly stated .

Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after

the event whi ch occasions them ;b ut if the acquaintance
,

be slight,immediately after the family appear at public

worship A card shoul d be sent up and if yo ur friends
.

are able to receive yo u,let your manners and conversation

be in harmony with the charac ter of your v isit It is co ur
.

te c us to send up a mourning card and‘ for la di es

to make their calls in black silk or plain c o ldtpd apparel
-

It denotes that they sympathize with the am

.

i ctio ns of the
family and such attentions are always ple as mg .

Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that,when they

pay morning calls,they must carry their hats with them
into th e drawing room ;b ut on no acco unt put them on
-

the chairs or table There i s a graceful manner of holding

.

a h at,which e very well bred man understands

-
.

When c alling upon a friend who is b o arding,do not go

up till the servant returns w ith an invitation ;and never
enter a room without previ o usly knocking at the door,and
receiv ing an inv itation to come in Such Obser v ances are
.

mdi spen s ab le ,even between the nearest friends .

A gentleman when calling upon a lady,and finding that

o n e of her lady friends is with her,must rise wh en the

v isitor takes he r leav e ,and accompany her to the hall door

or if s he has a carriage ,he sho d hand her into it s up

ul —
~
posing ,how ever,that no gentleman related to the mistress
o f the ho use be present . If yo ur visit has b een of sufficient
len gth ,y o ucan take your leave when accompanying the
lady o ut of the room .

It h appens occasionally that tw o persons are visiting

different members of the same family .When this o c curs ,
and one visitor takes leav e ,the lady or gentleman who s e
visitor h as j us t left sho uld remain in the drawing room -
.

It is c onsidered discourteo us to do otherwise 5 .

‘
mos t famil1 es in this country,evening calls are the
In
most usual S ho uld yo u chance to visit a family,and find
.

that they have a party,present yourself,and conv erse for a

few minutes with an unembarrassed air after which yo u
may retire,unl ess urged to remain A slight invitation ,
.

given for the sake of c o urtesy,ought not to be accepted .

Make no apology for your unintentional intrusi on b ut le t

it be known ,in the course of a few days,that yo u were not
aware that your friends had company .

An excellent c ustom prevails in some families of inviting

th eir guests for a given p eriod Thus ,for example ,an
.

invitation is sent, stating that a friend s company is

’

requested on a certain day,mentioning also for what length

of time ,and if a carriage cannot be o fiere d to meet the
'

v isitor,stating expres s ly the best mode of coming and

goin g W e recommend this admirable plan to the mas ter

.

and mistress of every dwellin g which is s ufi ciently capa

cions to aM i t of receiving an occasional guest A young .

lady is perhaps invited to spend a l ittle time in the coun

try, b ut she cannot possibly understand whether the
1 nV1 tatio n extends to a few days ,or a week, or a month,
and consequently is much p uzz led with regard to the
arrangement of her wardrobe Domesti c consultations are
.

held the letter is read over and over again every one
gives a different o p1 mo n ,and when th e visit is entered
upon ,some what of its pleasure is marred through the e m

b arras s ment occasion ed by not knowin g when to propose

taking leave .
1 24 I
V S ITIN G .

In re c e1 v 1 ng guests,your first object should be ,to mak e

them feel at home Begging them to make themselves at
.

home is not s ufi cie nt Y o u sho u ld di s play a genuine un

.

afiec te d friendliness Whether y o u are mistress of a

.

mansion or a cottage ,and invite a fri end to share yo ur

hospitality,y ou must every possible means,
to ren der the visit agr sho uld be done w ith
herself to be a

y o u yo urself o ut
put
pleasures It is right
.

is altered on her acc

felt,and the pleasant anticipations whi ch she most prob
ably entertained will fail to be reali zed L e t your friend .

be assure d; from your manner,that her pre s ence is a real

e njoyment to y o u ah incentive to recre ations whi c h other
-

wis e wo ul d not be tho ught of in the common routine of

life Observe yo ur own feelings when yo u happen to be
.

the guest of a pers on who ,though he may be very much

your friend ,and really glad to see yo u,seems not to know
what to do either with y o uor hi ms elf and again ,when in
the house of another yo u feel as m uch at ease as in your
own Mark the differen ce ,more easily felt than described,
.

between the manners of the two ,and deduce therefrom a

lesson for your own improvement .

If yo u have guests in your house ,yo u are to appear to

feel that they are all equal for the tinne ,for they all have
an equal claim upon your court e sies Those of the h um .

blest condition will receiv e fa ll a s much attention as th e

rest,in order that yo u shall not painful ly make them feel
their inferiority .

1?
Always avoid the foolish prac tic e of deprecating your
o wn rooms,f urniture , or viands ,and expressing regrets
1 26 VIS ITIN G .

an d th er efore we remind our youthful readers especially,

that this small act of politeness is indispensable ,not in th e
form of a set speech ,b ut by a natural flowing forth of
right feeling It 1 s also proper ,on r
. eturning home,to l n
f0 1 m your friends of yo ur safe arriv al ;the s ense which
y ou entertain of their hospitality ,and the gratifi cation
derived from your visit ,may be also gracefully all uded to .

The chain which binds society together 1 s formed of

innumerable links Let it be yo ur part to keep those links
.

uniformly bright ; and to see that ne ither dust nor rust

accumulate upon them .

 ST R E ET E T IQ UE T IE
'‘
.

T HE books of etiquette t ell yo u,that if y o u have been

intr oduced to a lady and yo u afterward m eet her l n the
street,yo u mus t not bow to her unless she bow first,in
order ,as the books say,that she may have an opportunity
to cut y o u if she does not wish to continue the acqu aint
ance T hi s 1 s the English fashion B ut on the c ontinent
. .

of Europe the r ule is reversed,and no lady,howev er inti

mate yo u may be W1 th her will ackno wledge y o u in the
street unless yo u first honor her with a bow of r e cognition .

B ut the American fashion is not lik e either of them .For

here the really well bred man always politely and respect
-

fully bows to every lady he kn ows ,and ,if she is a well

bred woman ,she acknowledges the respect paid her If .

she expects no further acquaintance,her bow 1 s a mere

formal,b ut always resp ectful,recognition of the good man
ners which have bee n shown her,and no gentle man e v er
takes advantage of such politeness to p ush a furth e r
acquaintance uninvited B ut why should a lady an d g en
.

tle man,who kno w who ea ch other are , s c o rnfully and

I

d o gge dly pas a e ach other in the stree ts as tho ugh th ey

wer e e n e m1 e s There i s no good re as on for such impo lite
ness ,in the practice of politene s s
. As c omp ared wi th the
English ,the French or c ontin e ntal fas hio n i s c ei ts inly
mo re consonant with the rul e s of go o d b i e eding B ut th e
.

American rule is better than e ith er ,fo r it is b as ed upon

the acknowledged general principle ,that it is ev ery gentle
1 28 s rrcffi r E TIQ UE T TE
j
.

man s and lady s duty to be polite in all places Unl ess

’ ’
.

parties have done someth ing to forfeit the respect dictated

by the common r ule s of politeness ,ther e should be no
d eviation from this practice It is a ridiculous idea that.

we are to practic e ill manners in the name of etiquette

-
.

Whil e walking
fi

th eno one sho uld be so absent

s tre e t

min ded as to neglect to recognize his friends If yo u do .

not stop ,y o u should always bow,touch your hat,or bid

your friend good day If y o u stop , yo u c an o ffer your
.
‘

hand witho ut remo ving yo ur glove If yo u st o p to talk , .

retire on one side of the walk If your friend h as a stran .

ger with him and y o u have anything to say,yo u should

apologize to the stranger Never leave your friend ab .

i
ruptly to see anoth e r person without ask ng him to excuse

your departure If yo u meet a gentleman of your acquaint

ance walking with a lady whom y o u do not know,lift your
hat as yo u salute them If y o u kno w the lady,y o u shoul d
.

salute her first .

Never no d to a lady in the street ,neither be satisfied

with to uc hing your hat ,but take it Off— it 1 s a c ourtesy her
s ex demands .

A ge ntleman sho uld ne ver omit a punctilious observance

of the rul es of politeness to his recognized acquaintances,
from an apprehension that he will not be met with recipro
c al marks o f respec t For ins tance ,he sh oul d not r ef use
.

to raise his h at to an acquaintance who 1 s acco mp anied by

a lady ,le s t her escort s hould from ignor an ce o r s toli d
ity ,return his polite s alut ati o n with a nod of the h e ad
, .

It is b e tt e r n o t to see h im,th an to set th e example o f a

r ude an d indecoro us salutation In all such cases ,an d in .

all c as e s ,he who is most cour teo u s has the advantage ,and
sho uld neve r feel that he h as made a h umili ating sac rific e
o f h is
a
personal dignity It is for the party whose b e
.

havior has been boorish to h av e a consciousness of inferi

o rity .
1 30
‘

s mmzr E TIQ UE TTE .

preven t her from being perpetuall y j ostled and run against

by th e hurrying crowd .

Yo u sho uld o ffer yo ur arm to a lady with whom yo u are

walkin g whenever her safety,comfort ,or co nv emenc e may
seem to require such attention on yo ur part At nigh t .

your arms h o uld always be tendered ,and also when asce nd

ing the steps of a p ublic b uildi ng In walking with any .

pers on yo u should keep step with military precision ,and

with ladies and elderly people yo u should always acco mmo
date yo ur speed to theirs .

If a lady with whom yo u are wa lking receives the salute

of a person who is a stranger to yo u,yo u should return it ,
not for yourself,b ut for her .

W hen a lady whom yo u accompany wishes to enter a

store ,yo u sho uld hold the dooropen and allow her to enter
first ,if practicable for y o u m ust nev er pass before a lady
anywhere,if yo u can avoid it,or without an apology .

In England,it 1 3 a mark of lo w bree ding to smoke m the

s treets . B ut in America the rul e does not hold to q uite
that extent ;though ,even here ,it is not often that yo u
catch a gentleman of the strictest sect, in the street ”

with a cigar or pipe in his mouth For a man to go into .

th e street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth

is a shocking sight,which no gentleman will ever be g uil ty
of exhibiting for he inevitably s ubjects the woman to the
very worst of suspicions .

Avoid the disgu

stin g habit of spitting .

No gentlem an will stand in the doors of hotels,nor on

th e corners of the streets ,gazin g imp ertinently at the
ladies as they pass That is such an unmistakable sign of
.

a loafer,that one can hardly imag in e a well bred man do -

ing such a thing .

 S TR E E T ErIQ UE T TE
’
.
1 31

N e ver o ffer to s hake hands with a lady in the street if

m
-

u ha e on dark g loves , as u soil her whit ones

"

y o v y o ay e .

If y o u meet a lady friend with whom y o u wish to conv erse ,

y o u m u st not stop , b ut t ur n and walk along with her and
should she be walking with a gentleman ,first ass ure yo ur "

s elf that yo u are not intruding before yo u attempt to j oin

the two in their walk .

After twilight,a young lady would not be conducting

herself in a becoming manner ,by walking alone ;and if
she passe s the evening with any one ,she o ught ,befor e
hand,to pro v ide some one to come for her at a stated ho ur
b ut if thi s is not practicable ,she shoul d politely ask of
the person wh o ni s he is visiting,to permit a s ervant to
,

a ccompany her
. B ut, however m uch this may be con
s idere d pro er,and co nsequently an obligation ,a married
p
lady,well educated ,will disregard it if c ircums tances pre
v ent her being able ,without tro uble,to find a conductor .

If the host wishes to accompany y o u himself,yo u mus t

excuse yo urself pol itely for giving him so mu ch tro uble ,
b ut fini sh ,howev er,by accepting O n arr1 v mg at your
.

house ,yo u sho uld o fier him yo ur thanks In order to

'

avoid these two inconveniences ,it will be well to requ e st

your hus band ,or some one of your relatives,to come and
wait upon y o u yo u will,in this way ,avoid all inc o nv en
ien ce s ,and be entirely free from th at harsh criticism which
is sometimes indul ged in ,especiall y in small towns ,co n
cerning e v en the most innocent acts .

If,when on yo ur way to fulfill an engagement,a friend

s tops y o u in the street,y o u may ,without committing any
breach of etiquette ,tell him of your appointment,and
release yo urself from a long talk ,b ut do so in a co urteous
manner,expressing regret for the necessity .

In inquiring for goods at a shop or store ,do not say,I

want so and so ,b ut s ay to the shapman~S h o w me such or
1 32 ST REE T E TIQ UE T TE .

e —
some o ther politeor us e
form of addr ess If yo u are obliged to examme a n umbe r
.

of articles before yo u are suited,apolo gize to the sh op

keeper for the trouble yo u give him If,after all, y o u .

cannot suit yourself,re new your apologi es when y o u g o

away If yo u make only small purchas es,say to him—I
.

am sorry for having troubled yo u for so trifling a thin g .

Yo u need not stop to pull o ff your glove to shake h ands

with a lady or gentleman If it is warm weather it is more
—
.

l
agreeable to both parties that the g ove shou d be o
l u es

peciall y if it is a lady with whom y o u shake hands ,as th e

perspiration of your bare hand woul d b e very likely to soil

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman o n the

street,he will lift his hat,or at least touch it re spectfully ,
as he repli es If he c annot give the information required,
”

he will express hi s regrets .

When tr1 pp1 ng over the pave ment,a lady should grace
fully raise her dress a little above her ankl e With h e r .

right hand she sho uld hold together the folds of her gown
and draw them toward the right side To raise the dress .

on both sides ,and with b oth hands ,is v ulgar This un .

graceful practice can be to lerate d o nly for a moment when

th e mud 1 s very deep .

Most American la di es
in our cities wear to o rich and
/

expensive dresses in the street Some,indeed ,will sweep

.

the side walks with costly s tufis only fit for a drawi ng room
'
- -

or a carn age This is in bad taste,and is what ill natured

.
-

p eople would term snobbish .

1 34 TR A VE L IN G .

to cause y o u to disregard the rights of fellow or

fo rget the respectful courtesy due to woman The pleas .

ante s t or most comfortable seats belong to the la di es , and

y o u sho ul d ne ver refu se to resign s uch seats 190 them w ith
a cheerful politene ss Sometimes a gentleman will go
.

through a car and choose his seat ,and afterward vacate it

to procure his ticket ,leav in g his overcoat or carpet bag to
show that the s eat is taken Always respect this token ,
.

and ne ver se1 ze upon a seat thus secured,witho ut leave ,

even though yo u may want it fo r a lady It is not always .

necessary for a gentleman to rise after he h as seated him

self and o der his seat to a lady,p articularly if the lady 1 s
accompanied by another gentleman ;for there may s till be
eh gib le vacant seats in the cars B ut sho uld y o u see a
.

lady c ome alone ,a n d if the s e ats in the c ar all appear to

be filled ,do not hesitat e to o ffer her yo urs ,ii yo u hav e no
l adi e s in yo ur company Ands h o ul d a lady motion to s e at
.

herself be side y o u ,rise at on c e and o fier her the choice

’

of the two seats These are b ut common c ourtesies that

.

ev ery well bred man will at all times cheerfully offer to th e

-
.

other sex .

Making acquaintances in the cars , altho ugh correct

enough,is a measure of which travelers generally appear
to be very shy There is no re ason for this ,as acquaint
.

an c es thus picke d up n eed never be reco gnized again

unless y o u p leas e If a stranger speaks to y o u,always

.

answer h im politely ,and if his co n v ersation prove s disa

“
g re e ab le ,y o u have no alternat iv e b ut to change yo ur seat .

In steamers do not make a r ush for the supper table,or

ma ke a glutton o f yours elf wh e n yo u get there Never fail .

to o ffe r your se at on de ck to a lady,if the s eats all appear

to be o c cupied ,an d always m e et half way any fell ow pas -

s enger who wi s h e s to ente r into con v ers ati o n with yo u

m
.

S o e travelers are s o exclusiv e that they consider it a

presumption on the p art of a s tranger to addres s them ;
 TR A VEL IN G .
1 35

b ut such people are generally foolish ,and of no account .

Sociable in tercourse while traveling is one of its main

attra ctions Who would care about sitting and moping for
.

a dozen of ho urs on board a steamer without exchan gi ng a

word with anybody and thi s must be the fate of the ex
clus iv e s when they travel alone . E ven ladi es,who run
greater ri s ks in formin g steamboat acquaintances than the
men ,are allowed the greatest priv il eges in that respect It .

might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking

acquaintance of a gentleman b ut she may address or
question him for the time being wi tho ut impropriety .

Fellow pas sengers , whether on a steamboat or in the

-

cars,should at all times be sociable and ob liging to one

another Those who are the reverse of thi s may be s et
.

down either as selfi sh ,foolish ,or conceited .

In the cars yo u have no right to keep a window open for

yo ur accommodation ,if the c urrent of air thus p roduced
annoys or en dangers the health of another There are a.

suffic ient number of di s comforts in trav eling,at best,and

it s houl d be the aim of e ach pas s enger to lessen them as
much as possible , and to cheerfully bear his o wn part .

Life is a journey,and we are all fell ow tr av elers

-
.

If in ridin g in an o mnibus ,or crossing a ferry with a

friend ,he wishes to pay for y o u,never insist upon paying
for yo urself or fo r both If he is before yo u,le t the mat
.

ter pass without remark .

 MA R R I A GE .

toits social imj m

rtanc e ,b ut as regards certain O bservances,
conc erning which n o Work on Etiquette has yet gi ven any
'

exp licit rules

.

,
First,then,with respect to the preliminary s ubject of
cour tship T hat uns een monitor who has already s ug
.

gested many points for consid eration to lady readers,would

n o w s ay to them : B efore yo u admi t the attentions o f a
g ent leman who wishes to pay y o u hi s addr es ses ,very care
I

fully examine your respe ctive tastes and dispositions ;and

settle in your own mind what are the most important
r e quisites of happiness in a married state With this view,
.

y o u m u st enter u pon the conside ra tion of the s ubject with

calm and decisive spirit,which will enable yo u to see
wh ere your tr ue happiness lies,and to pursue i twith deter
mi ned res olution In matters o f business, follow the
.

advice of such as are able to guide yo u and as regards the

subject of marriage ,turn not away from the counsel of
those who are appointed to watch over and direct yo u
, .

If a gentleman gives yo u reason to believe that he wishes

to engage your affections ,s e ek the advic e of your parents ,
that they may gain for yo u every necessary particular with
regard to his m orals and dispo s ition ,and means of s uitably
providing for yo u If,unhappily ,death h as deprived y o u
.

of parents,ask counsel of some one who will care for yo u,

a d on whose frien dship
n y o u can rely R
. eme mber that
o u have little knowle d e of the world,and that your
y g
1 38 HA R R IA GE .

Advanc e s ,or o ffers of marriage ,are ma de in a thousand

different ways ;b ut,however tendered,r ec eive them co ur
te o us ly,and wi th dignity If a letter comes to yo u,answer
.

—
it as becomes a ge ntlewoman your own heart will dictate
what y o u ought to s ay Q uestions have arisen with regard
.

to the wording of such letters,b ut no certain rule can be

‘

laid down ;whether it be an swered in the first or third

_

person ,must depend upon the degre e of acquaintance

which has previou ly existed No y o ung lady would cer
s
.

tainl y head her let ter vv1 th Dear Sir , to a suito 1 whom ”

s h e scarcely kno w s ,or to one whom she intends refusing .

S h e o ught ,however,on no account,either to receiv e or

answer le tters of the kind witho ut showing them to her

mother ;or,if unfortunately without parents ,sh e will do

well to consult some j udicious female frien d

Nev er trifl e with the afie ctio ns of a man who loves you
nor admit of marke d a ttentions from one whose affection
y o u cannot return .Some yo ung ladies pride themse lves
upon the c onques ts whi ch they m ake ,and would n o t s eru

p le to sacri fice the happiness of an estimab le person to

their repre hensib le vanity L et this be far from you If
.

u c lear ly that o u have become an objec t of especial

y o s ee y
rega rd to a ge ntle man ,and do not w ish to encourage his

addresses ,treat h im h onorably and humanely,as yo u hope

to be used wi h generosity by the person who may engage
'

your o wn h art Do not let him linger in suspense ,b ut

.

t ake the earliest opportunity of carefully making kn own

y o u r feeli n gs o n the s ubject T his may be. done m a vari
ety of ways A refined ease of manner will satisfy him,if
.

h e has any d i scernme n t , that his addresses will not be

ac cep table Should yo ur n at ural disp o sition render this
.
-

d fficult,show that y o u wish to avoid hi s c o mp any ,and he

i
.

will pr e sently with draw ;b ut if e v en this is diffic ul t and —

who c an lay down rul es for another — allow an opport unity
for explanation to occur Y o u c an then give him a polite
.
 MARR IA GE .
1 39

and decisive answer ; and b e ass ured that, in whatever

manner y o u convey your sentim en ts to him ,if h e be a man
o f delica cy and ri ght feeling ,he will tro uble
y o u no fur

th er L e t it nev er be said of yo u,that yo u permit the

.

a ttentions of an honorab le man when o u have n o h e art to

y
gi ve hi m ;or that y o u have trifl e d with th e a ffe ctions of
one whom yo u perhaps esteem ,although yo u r e s olv e ne ver
to marry him It may be that h is preference gratifies ,and
.

his c o nversation interests yo u ;that yo u are flat tered by

the attention s of a man whom some of your companions
a dmire ;and that, in tr uth ,yo u har dly know yo ur own
mind on the subject This will not excus e yo u Every
. .

yo ung wo man o ught to know the state of her own heart

and yet the happiness and future prospe cts of many an
excellent man have been s acrificed by s uch unprincipled
conduct .

R emember that if a gentleman makes yo u an offer,yo u

ha ve no right to speak of it If y o u possess eith e r gener
.

sity or gratitude for o fiere d afiec tio n ,y o u will not betray

’

a secret which does n o t belong to yon It is sufficiently

. .

painful to be refused,without incurring the ad di tional

mo rtificatio n of b eing pointed o ut as a rejecte d lover .

If,on the contrary, yo u e nco urage the addresses o f a

'

deserving man ,behave honorably and sensibly Do not .

lead h im abo ut as if in triumph ,nor take ad v antage of the

ascenden cy which y ou have gained by playing with his
feelin gs Do not seek for o cca s ions to tease him,that you
.

may try his temper ;neither affect in di fference ,nor pro

’
v oke lovers quarrels , for the foolish ple asure of recon cilia
tion O n your conduct during co urt s hip will very much
.

depend the e stimation in which yo u will be held by your

hus band in after life .

As suming that the important day is fixed,and that the

hidde n guests have accepted the invitations,a few o b s er
 1 40 MARRIA G E .

v atio n s may be use ful,especially to those who live retired

in th e country .

The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carn age

with her p arents,or with those who stand in their place ;
as ,for ins tance ,if the father is decea s ed ,a n elder brother
“
or uncle,or even guar di an ,accompanies her mother and
hers elf If,unhappily,she is an orphan ,and has no rela
.

tions,a middl e aged lady and gentleman ,friends of h er

-

p arents ,sho ul d be req uested to take th eir p lace A b rides ~ .

maid will also occupy a seat in the same carri age .

The bridegroom finds his way church in a sep arate

to .

carriage with his friends,and he will show his gallantry by

handing the bride from her carn age ,and paying every
attention to those wh o accompany h er Any omission in .

thi s respect cannot b e too c arefully av o ided .

When arrived at the altar,the father of th e bride,or,

in d efaul t of such relation ,the nearest connexion ,or some
o ld friend ,gives away th e br i de The bridesmaids stand
.

near the bride ;and either her sister,or some fav orite
friend,will hold the gloves or handkerchief,as may be
required,when she ungloves her hand for the Wpddi ng
ring W hen the ceremony is completed,and the names of
.

the bride and bridegroom are signed in the vestry,they

first leave the church together,o c cupying by themselves
the c arriage that waits to convey them to the house of the
‘

bride s father and mother, or that of the g uardian ,or

’

friend,by whom the bridal breakfast is provided .

The wedding cake uniformly occupies the center of the

-

table It is o ften tastefully surro unded with fl owers ,

.
.

am o n g which those of th e fragrant orange ought to be con

s picu o us After being cut accordi ng to the u sages observed
.

on s uch occasions,the oldest friend of the family proposes

the lady s health that of the bridegroom is generally
’

preposed b y some fri end of his own ,if present b ut if this

1 42 MA R R IA GE .

h as b een drunk ,and every compliment and kind wish has

u ff —
been d y pro ered and acknowledged the bride ,attended
l
by her friends ,withd raws and wh en ready for her depar
ture the newly married couple start o fl on their wedding
'
-

j ourney,gen erally about two or three o clock ,and the rest ’

of the company shor tly afterward take their leave

"

In some circles it i s c ustomary to s end cards almost

immediately to frien ds and relations ,mentioning at what
time and ho ur the newly married co uple expe ct to be c alled
-

upon . Some little inconveni en ce o ccasionall y attends thi s

custom ,as yo ung people may wish to extend their wedding
to ur beyond the time first menti oned ,or ,if they go abroad ,
delays may unavoidably occ ur It is therefore better to .

postpone sending cards,for a short time at lea s t .

Fashions change continually with regard to wedding

cards A few years since they were highly ornamented,
.

and fantastically tied together now silver edged cards are -

fashionable ;b ut,unquestionably,the plain er and more

unostentatious a wedding card , the more lady like and
- -

becoming it will be .

No one to whom a wed ding card has not been -

fl
s e né o ugh t

to call upon a newly married couple

-
.

When the days named for seei n g company arrive ,re

member to be punctua l Call,if possible ,the first day,
.

b ut neither before nor after the appointed hour Wedding .

cake and wine are handed round, of which e very one

p artakes , and each expresses some kin dl y wish for the
happiness of the newly m arried co uple
-
.

“
Taking possession of their home by yo ung people is
always a j o yo us period The depressing influence of a
.

wedding breakfast ,where often the h earts of many are

sad,is not felt,and ev ery one looks forward to years of
pros perity and happines s .
 MARR IA GE .
1 43

If the gentleman is in a profession ,and it happens that

he cannot await the arrival of such as call,accordin g to
in vitation on the weddi ng c ard ,an apology must be made ,
-

and ,if poss ible ,an o ld friend of the family should repre
sent hi m A bride must on no a c coun t r e ceiv e her vis i tors
.

without a me ther,or sister ,or som e friend being present,

not even if h er h usband is at home Thi s is imperative
. .

To do otherwise is to di s regard the us uag es of s o ciety .

We remember once c alling on a very yo ung bride , and

fo un d her alone C onjectures were made by e v ery vi s itor
.

with regard to such a strange occurrence ,and their s ur

prise was s tifl more increased ,when it became known that
the young lady returned her calls equally unattended .

Wedding visits must be returned during the co urse of a

few days, and parties are generally made for the newly
married couple ,which they are expected to return Thi s .

does not , however , necessarily entail much visiting ;

ne ither is it expected from young people ,whose reso ur ces
may be somewhat limited , or when the husband has to
make his way in the world .
 DO ME STI C ETI Q UETTE AND DUTIE S .

T HE little c ommunity to whi ch I gave laws, said the

Vicar of Wakefield, was regul ated in the following man
ner —We all assemble d early,and after we h ad saluted
each other with proper ceremony," for I always thought fit
“
M to keep u p some mechanical forms of good bree ding , wi th
ou t which ,freedom ever destroys friendship , ) we all knelt

in gratitude to that
also when we parted
We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example
o f the good o ld Vicar should be followed and adopted by

every newly married couple With regard to the first,the

-
.

courtesies of society should never be omitted ,in even the

most trivial matters ; and,as respects the second,what
blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a
house wherein the voice of thanksgiving is never heard,
nor yet protection sought by its acknowledged head
O n the wife e specially devolves the privilege and pleasure
of rendering home happy We sha
. ll,therefore ,speak of
s uch duties and O bservances as pertain to her .

When a young wife first settles in her home,many

excellent persons ,with more z eal,it may be ,than dis ere
tion ,immediately propose that she shoul d devote some of
her leis ure time to charitable purposes such,for instanc e ,
,
as clothing societies for the poor,or schools or district
visiting W e say with all earnestness to o ur young friend ,
.

engag e in nothing of the kind ,how ever laudable ,with out

 would a serpent Many a happy hom e has been rendered
'

desolate by exciting coolness or suspicio n,or by endeavors

to gain importance in an artful and insidious manner .

money matters,act openly and honorably Ke ep

In all .

yo ur accounts with the mo s t scrupul ous exac tnes s,and le t

yo ur h usband see that yo u take an honest prid e in rightly
appropriating the money which he intrusts to y o u My .

husband works hard for every dollar that he earns , said a ”

yo ung m arried lady,the wife of a professional man ,to a

friend who found h er busil y employed in sew ing b uttons
“
on her h usband s coat, and it se ems to me worse than
’

cruel to lay o ut a dime unnecessarily B e very careful,

.
”

als o ,that y o u do not spend more than can be afl o rde djin

‘

dress and be satisfied with s uch carpets and c urtains in

your drawing room as b efit a moderate fort une ,or pro ies
-

Natural ornament s ,and fl owers tastefully

'

s io ual income .

arranged,give an air of elegance to a room in which the

furni ture is far from costly and books judi cio uls y placed,
uniformly produce a good e fl ect A sen s ible woman will
'

always seek to ornament her home ,and to render it attra e

tive ,more especially as this is the taste of the present day .

T he power of ass o ciation is very great light,and air,and

elegance , are important in their e fiects No wife acts .

wisely who permits her sitting room to look d ull in the

-

ey es of him whom she o u ght e s pe cially to please ,an d with

'
‘

whom she has to pass h e r days .

In middle life,instanc e s frequently occur of conceal ment

m
with regard to oney co nc erns ;thus ,for instan c e ,a wi fe
wishes to poss e s s an article of dress which is too costly for
immediate p urchase,or a piece of furniture lia b le to the
same obj e ctio n S h e accordingly makes an agreement with
a

a seller,and there are many who c all regularly at ho uses

when the husband is ab s ent o n business ,and who receive
‘

whatever the mistr e ss of th e house can s pare from her ex

penses A book is kept by the seller,in which payments
.
 D OMES TIC E TIQ UE TTE A Z VD D UT E S I .
1 47

are entered b ut a duplicate is never retained by the wife ,

and ther efor e she has no check whatever W e have kno wn .

an artic le of dre s s p aid for in thi s manner,far above its

value ,and have hear d a poor yo ung woman ,who has be en
thus d uped,say to a lady,who remonstr at e d with h er :
“Alas "what can I do ? I dare not tell my husb and It .

may be that the sa m e system ,tho ugh difl e ring a c cording

to circ umstan ces ,is p urs u ed in a s uperior c lass of life .

W e ha ve reason to think that it is s o ,and therefore affec

tio n ately warn o ur youn ger sisters to beware of making

p urchases that require c on c e alment B e content with s uch
.

things as y o u c an h o norably afford,and such as yo ur h us

bands appro v e Y o u can then wear them with every feel
.

ing of s elf satisfactio n

-
.

B efore di smissing this part of o ur subject ,we beseech

o u to avoid all bickerings What does it S l gnify where a
y .

picture hangs ,or whether a rose or a pink looks best on

the dr awing room table
-
There is something in expre s s i
b ly endearing in small c o ncessions ,in gracefully giving up
a favorite opinion,or in yielding to the will of another ;
’

and equally painful is the reverse The mighties t rivers

.

have their source in streams the bitterest domestic misery

has often arisen from some trifling difference of opinion .

If,by chance , yo u marry a man of a hasty temper ,gre at

discretion is required M uch willi ngness,
. too ,and prayer
for s tren g th to rule your own spiri t are nec e ssary T hre e .

instances oc cur to us ,in which ,ladie s hav e kno win gly mar
ried men of excee ding vi o lent t empers ,and yet have lived
happily T he secret of their happiness con s iste d in pos
.

sessing a perfect comm and over the m selv es ,and in seekin g,

by e very po ssible means ,to prev e nt their husbands from
commi tting themselves in their p resence .

Lastly,remember your standin g as a lady, and never

approve a mean action ,nor speak an unrefined word ;le t
all your conduct be su ch as an honorable and right minded -
1 48 D OMES TIC E TIQ U ETTE A ND D UT E S I .

man may look for in his wife ,and the mother of his chil
dren The slightest duplicity destroys confidence T he
. .

least want of refinement in conversation ,or in the selection

"

of books ,lowe rs a woman ,ay,and for ever F ollow these

few simple precepts ,and they sh all prove to yo u of mor e
worth than rubies n egle ct th em,add yo u will know what
’

sorrow i s T hey apply to every class o f society ,in every

'

place where man has fixed his dwelling and to the woman
who dul y observes them may be given th e beautiful com
mendatio n of Solomon,when r ecording the words whi ch
the mother of King Lemuel taught him

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her she

will do him good,and not evil,all the days of her life .

Strength and honor are her clothing and she shall rejoice
in time to come Her children rise up, and call h er
.

b less ed ;her husband also ,and he praiseth her —

Prov .
”
.

We shall n ew address ourselves exclusively to o ur breth

ren ;to them who have taken upon themselves the sacred
and comprehensive names of h usband and of master,who
m
h ave formed ho es to dwell in ,and have placed therein ,as
their companions thro ugh life s pilgrimage , gentle and
’

co nfiding ones ,who have left for them all th at w as hereto

fore most dear,and who m they have sw orn to love and to

When a man marme s ,it 1 s understood that a ll former

acquaintanceship ends ,unless he intinm te a desire to renew
it,by sen ding yo u hi s own and hi s w
ife s card ,if near,or ’

by letter,if distant If thi s be neglected,be sure no fur

.

ther intercourse it desired .

In the first plac e ,a bachelor is seldom v ery particular

in th e choice of his companion s So long as he is amus ed ,
.

he will associate freely enough with those whose morals

 D OMES TIC E TIQ UE ITE
'
’ ’
AND D UTIE S .

unattended , al o n e in the midst of a crowd , with her

tho ughts dw elling ,it may be v ery sadly,on the time when
y o u were pro u d t o walk beside her R emember that
. the
condition of a young bride is often a very solitary one ;
‘

and that for your sake she has left her parents roof,and ’

the c ompanionship of her brothers and sisters If yo u are .

a professional man , your wife may have to live in the

neighborhood of a large c ity,where she scar c ely kno ws any
one ,and without those agreeable domestic oc cupations, or
yo ung associates , among whom she had grown up Her .

garden and poultry yard are hers no longer,and th e day

-

passes witho ut the light of any smil e b ut y ours Y o u go .

of f,most probably after bre akfast,to yo ur bu siness or pro

fe s s io n ,and do not return till a late dinner perh aps even
not then ,if yo u are much occupied,or have to keep up
fi

professional c o nnectio ns It seems u nmanly, certainly

most unkind ,to le t your yo ung wife go to church on S un
da witho u t o u, for the common pla c e s atis fac tio n o f
‘

y y
-

loun gi ng at home . To act in this manner is c ertainly a

breach of domestic etiquette Sunday is the only day in
.

whi ch yo u can enable her to forget her father s hous e,and ’

the pleasant associations of her girlhood days— ln which

o u c an pay her those attentions whi ch preve nt all painful
y
comparisons as regards the past Sunday is a day of r est,
.
‘

wisely and mercifull y appointed to loose the bonds by

'
‘

which men are held to the world let it be spent by y o u as

becomes the head of a family , Let no temptation e v er in
duce yo u to wish your wife to relinquish atten ding Divine
“
s ervice ,merely that she may idle at home with yo u .
”

R eligion is her s afeguard amid the trials or temptations of

this world And woe may be to yo u if yo u seek to with
.

dr aw her from i ts protection

Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from

w ant of candor Men conceal th eir affairs , and expect
.

their wives to act with great economy,without assigning

‘
 D OMES TIC E TIQ UE TTE
’
AND D UTIE S .
1 51

any reason why such should be the case b ut the husband

o ught frankly to t ell his wife the real amo unt of hi s in
c ome ;for ,unle s s this is don e ,s h e c anno t pr o perly r e g u

lat e h e r expen s es They ought th e n to consult to g ether

.

as to th e s um that can be afforded fo r housekeeping ,which

s h o uld be r ather below than above the mark When this .

arranged he will fin d it advantageous to gi ve into her

han ds ,either weekly,monthly,or quarterly,the s um that
is appropriated for daily expen di ture ,and above all thi n g s
to avoid interfering without absolute n ecessity T he home .

de p artm e mt b elongs exc lusi v e ly to the wife the pro yi n c e

h —
of the husband is to r ule t e house hers to regu late its
intern al mo vements Tru e it is ,that some inexperienced
.

young creatures know b ut li ttle of ho usehold concerns If .

this occur,have patie nce ,and do not become pettish or ill

h umored If too much money is laid o ut at fir st,give
.

ad v ice ,kin dl y an d firmly,ayd the yo ung wife will soon

learn how to perform her new duties

No good ever yet resulted ,or ever will resul t from unne
c e s s ary interference If a an
. m
unhapp il y marries an

incorrigible simpleton ,or spendthrift he cannot help him

.

self S uch ,howev er,is rarely the case L et a man pre

. .
1

serv e his own position ,and assist his wife to do the same
all things will then move to g ether ,well and harmoni -
z

Much sorrow,and many heart burnings,may be avoided

-

by j udi cious conduct in the o utset of life husbands .

shoul d g1 v e their wives all confidence They have in .

trusted to them their h appin e ss,and should never suspec t

them of desiring to waste their money Whenever a di s .

position is manifested to do r i ght ,express yo ur appro b a

tion B e pleased with trifl e s ,and commend efforts to exc el
’

on every fitting oc casion If your wife 1 s difli den t,e nco u1

. .

age her,and avoid seein g small mistakes It i s un re as o na.

b le to add to the embarr assments of her new con dition ,b

y
1 52 D OMES TIC E TIQ UE T TE AND D UT E SI .

ridic uling her deficiencies Forbear extollin g the previous

.

management of your mother or your sisters Many a wife .

h as been alienate d from her hu sband s family,an d many

’

an afl e c tio n ate heart has been deeply wounded by s uch

'

i nj udicious conduct and,as a sensible woman will always

especia l attention to the elations of h r h usband ,and
a
p y r e
:
entertain th e m with affection ate politeness,the husband
on his part shoul d always cordially receive and dul y attend
to her relations T he reverse of this ,on either side ,is
.

often p roductive of unpleasant feelings .

L astly,we recomm end every youn g mariie d man ,who '

w ishes to render hi s home happy,to consider his wife as

the light of his domestic circle ,and to permit no clo uds,
howe v er small,to obscure the regi on m whi ch she presides .

Most women are naturally amiable ,gentle ,and complyin g

and 1 f a wife become s perverse ,and indifferent to her
home ,it is generally her husband s faul t He may have
’
.

neglected her happiness ;b ut nevertheless it is unwise in

h er to reto rt, and , instead of faith fully refl ecting the
brightness that s till may shine upon her,to giv e back the
dus ky and cheerless h ue which saddens her exist enc e Be .

not s elfish ,b ut complying,in small things If your Wife

di slikes cigars —
.

and few young women like to have their

—
c othes tainted by tobacco lea v e o ff smoking for it is ,at
l
best,an ungentlemanly an d di rty habit If your wife asks
.

y o u to rea d to her, do not put yo ur feet upon a chair and

g o to sl eep
. If she is fond of m u sic ,accompany her as
o u were w e nt wh e n y o u so ught her for a bride The
y .

husban d may say that he is tired ,and does not like music,
o r reading aloud This may occasion ally be true,and no
.

amiable woman will e v er desire her husband to do what

would really weary him We , h owever, recommend a

.

y o ung man to pra c tice somewhat of self denial,and to-

remember that no one a cts with a due regard to his own

‘

happiness who lays a side ,when marri ed,those gratifying

 O N G E N E R A L S O CI E T Y .

T o cul tivate the art of ple as mg 1 s only worthy of o ur

no t
ambitio n,b ut it is the dictate cf humanity to r ender our
selves as agreeable as possible to those aroun d us While ,.

therefore ,we condemn that false system of phil osophy

whi ch recomme n ds the practice of flattery and deception
for th e p urpo s e of wi nning the regard of thos e with w hom
we come in c onta ct,we would rather urge the sincere and
open conduc t which is founded on moral principle , and
which looks to the h appl ne s s of others ,n o t through any
sordid and selfish aim ,b ut for the reward which vir tuous
action s be s to w Indeed,we do not disco v er the ne ces s ity
.

of d uplicity an d hypocrisy in o ur intercourse with so c iety .

T he virtue s and the gr ac e s are not antagonis tic The sac

‘

rifi ce of p ersonal convenience for the accommodation of

others ;the repression of o ur egotism and self esteem ;the

-

occasional enduran c e of whatever is disagreeable or irk

some to us thro ugh consideration for the infirmitie s of
others ,are not only some of the characteristics of true
politeness,b ut are in the very spirit of benevolence,and ,
we might add,religion .

The English have a rule of etiquette,that if yo u are

introduced to a person of higher position in society than
yourself,yo u must ne ver recognize h im when yo u meet ,
until y o u see whether he intends to notice y o u The .

meaning of this r ule is ,that yo u shoul d be polite to no

body until y o u see whether they mean to b e polite to yo u,
which 1 s simply re fus in g politeness m the name of polite
 ON GENER AL S O CIE T Y .
1 55

ness itself There is a story of an unfortun ate clerk of the

.

Treasury,who din e d one day at the B e ef s t e ak Club ,where -

he sat next to a d u k e ,w h o convers ed fre ely with him at

dinner The n ext day,meeting the d uke in the stre e t,h e
.

s aluted him B ut his grace , drawing himself up,said

"
.

May I know ,s ir,to whom I have th e honor of speaking

Why,we dined to geth er at the club ye sterday— I am Mr
'

“
.

Timms,of the Treasury, w as the reply ”

Then , said ”

“
.

the duke ,turnl ng on his heel, Mr Timms,of th e Treas .

ury,I wish y o u a g o o d morning Tho ugh this anecdote

.

is related in the English books as an example o f etiqu ette ,

it is undoubtedly true that Mr Timms,of th e Treasury,
.

was the politest man of the two for ev en if he had mad e a

mistake in bein g a little familiar in his politen e ss ,had the
duk e b e en r e ally a polite man he wo uld ha ve made the b e st
of it,by returnn the salutation ,inste ad of th e brutal
mo rtificatio n whi ch he heaped upon the clerk of the T re as
’

ury . E v erybody has read the anecdote of Wa s hing ton,

who po litely returned the S alutation of a negro,which
caused his friend to ask if he bowed to a negr o To .
”

be s ure I do do yo u thi nk th at I wo uld allow a negro to

,

outdo me in politenes s ? said Washington This is the

”
.

American r ule E verybody in this country may be po lite

.

to e verybody— and if any one is too h aughty and too ill

bred to ret urn the salutation ,with him alon e rests the
respon s ibility an d the shame .

A lady in company should nev er exhibit any anxiety to

sing or play b ut if she int ends to do so ,s h e should not
a ffect to refuse when asked,b ut obligingly accede at once .

If yo u cannot sing,or do not choose to ,say so with seri

o us n e s s and grav ity,and put an end to the expectatio n
‘

promptly After singing once or twice , cease and give

.

p lace to others There is

. an o ld saying ,that a singer can
with the greatest di fi culty be s et agoing,and when agoing,
cannot be stopped .
 Never commend a lady s musical skill to another l ady
’
'

who hersel f plays .

Modern Ch es terfields ,who pretend to be s uperlatively

well bred,tell one neverto b e in a hurry To be in a
“
-

hurry, s a they, is ill bred

”
The dictum is absurd
”

y
-
. .

It is sometimes nec e ssary to be hurrie d In the streets of

.

the city one must hasten with the multitude To walk or.

l o unge ,as people w h o hav e nothing else to do ,in W all

Street,or Broad way,would be o ut of place and absurd .

J udgment requires us ,not le ss than manners,to conform

slightly with the behavior of t hose with whom we a s sociate

or are forced to remain .

Never lose your temper at cards,and particul arly avoid

the exhibition of anxiety or vexation at want of s uccess .

Ify o u are playing whi st,not only keep your temper,b ut

hold your tongue any intimation to your partner is decid
e dly ungentlemanly .

Do not take upon yours elf to do the honors in another

man s ho use,no r co nstitute y ourself master of the c erem e
‘

nies,as yo u will thereby o ffend the host and ho s tess .

Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert .

Al ways yield to her ,if practic able ,yo ur seat a n d p lace .

D o not sit when she is stan di ng,without offering her your

place C onsult not o nl y your own eas e,b ut also the com
.

fort of those aro und yo u .

Do not cross a ro om in an anxious manner,and force

yo ur way up to a lady merely to receive a bow,as by so
doing yo u attract the eyes of the company toward her If .

o u are desiro us of bein g noticed by any one in particul ar,

y
p u t you rself in their way as if by accident ,and do not le t
them s ee that yo u have sought them o ut ;unless,indeed,
there be something very i1 11 po rtant to communicate .
1 53 ON GEN E RA L CIE T Y
SO .

every hour,each one almost as remarkable as yours in the

eyes of its papa and mamma .

Notwithstanding that good general bree ding is easy of

attainment ,and is ,in fact,attain ed by m o st p e ople ,yet We
may enlarge upon a saying of Emerson s ,by de claring that
’

the world h as n ever yet seen a perfect gentleman .

”

It is not deem e d polite and respectful to smok e in the

presence of ladies ,even though they are a miable enough
to permit it A gentleman ,therefor e ,
. is not in the ha b it
of smoking in the parlor,for if there is n obody present to
object,it leave s a sm ell in the room which the wife h as
g ood reason to b e morti fied at , if discovered by her
gu ests.

It is very common to see persons eat,dri nk ,and smoke

to exces s S uch habits are vulgar in the lo we s t degree
. .

S ome men pri de th emselves on their abilities 1 n drinkin g

and smokin g— more especi ally in the latter ; These are
b lunders that need no reaso ning to expose them T h e .

man who exhibits a tendency to exc ess es will,sooner o

later,be shunned by all exc ept a few of his o wn stamp ,
and not even by th e m be respected Guard against exce s s
.

in all thing ,as neither gentlemanly nor human

s .

Spitting is a filthy hab it,and annoys one in almo s t every

quarte r,ih doors and o ut
-
. Since v ulgarity has h ad its
way so extensiv ely am o ngs t us , eve ry y o uth b e gin s to
smoke and spit b efo re he has w ell o ut his te e th S m o kin g
.

is unque s tionably so great a ple asure to tho s e acc us to me d

to it,th at it m us t not be c o n demned ,yet the spitting as s o
c iate d with it d etr ac ts very muc h from th e enjoymen t No .

refined pers o n will S pit where ladies are present,or in any

p u b li c promenade the habit is digus tin g in the e xt re me ,
an d o n e would almo s t wish that it co uld b e checked in

bl i by me o f law
p u c an s .
 ON GEN E RA L S O CIE T Y .
1 59

Never scrat ch your h e ad,pick yo ur te eth ,cle an your

nails ,or,worse than all,pick yo ur nose in c ompany ;all
these things are dis gusting .

To indulge in ri di cule ,whether the subj e ct be pre s ent o r

abs ent,is to desc e nd below the lev el of gentlem anly pro
prie ty Yo.ur s kill ma
y excite laughter ,b ut will not ins u e r

respe ct .

A reverential regard for reli gi o us Obse rv an c e s ,an d relig

io us O pini ons ,is a distinguishin g trait of a refined mind .

Whatever your O pinions on the subj ect, yo u are not t o

intrude them on others ,perhaps to the shak ing of th eir
faith and happiness R eli gi ous to pic s s h o uld be av oid e d
.

in conver s ation ,except where all are prepar ed to conc ur in

a respe ctful treatment of the subject In mixed societies .

the subje ct sho uld never be introduced .

Frequent consultation of the watch or time pie c es is im -

polite ,eith e r when at home or abroad If at h o m e ,it .

appears as if y o u were tired of yo ur company and wished

them to be gone if ab road,as if the hours dragged b eav

ily,and y o u were calcul ating how s oon y o u wou d be
l

released .

Ne ver read in c ompany A gentleman or lady may,h o w

.

ever,look over a book of engr avings with propriety - .

The simpler,and the more easy and unconstrain e d yo ur

manners,the more y o u wi ll impress peop le of yo ur g o o d
breeding Afiecm zio n is one of th e brazen m ark s o f v u
.
l

It is very unbeco ming to exhibit p e tulan c e ,o r an g

feeling,tho ught it is indulge d i n s o larg ely in alm o s t e very
circle The true g entleman do es not s ufi e r h is c o un te nan c e
.

to be easily rufl e d and We only lo ok p altry wh e n we s uf

'

fer temper to hurry us into ill j udged express ion s of feel

-

ing. He that is s o o n an gry d eale th fo ol s hly i

.
”
1 60 ON GENER AL S OCIE T Y
.

C ommands sho uld never be given in a commanding tone .

A gentleman requests ,he does not command We are not .

to assume so much importance ,whatever o ur s tation ,as to

“
giv e orders in th e imperative mood, nor are we e ver ”
‘

j ustified in thru sting the consciousness of servitude on any

one T he blunder of commandin g sternly is most fre
.

quently committed by those who have themselve s b ut j ust

escaped servi tude ,and we shoul d not exhibit to others a
weakness so unb ecomin g .

It is a great thing to be able to walk like a g entleman

that is,to get rid of the awkward ,lo unging,swin ging gait
of a clown ,and stop before yo u reach the afiecte d and flip
'

pant step of a dandy In short,nothi ng b ut being a g entle

.

man can e ver give y o u the air and step of one A man .

who has a shallow or an imp udent brain will be quite s ure

to show it in his heels,in spite of all that rules of manners
can do for him .

A gentleman never s its in the house with his hat on in

.

the presence of ladi e s for a single moment In deed,so .

strong is the force of habit,that a gentleman will quite

uncons ciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or
drawing r oom ,even if there is no one present b ut himself
-
.

People who sit in the ho use with their h ate on are to be ,

s uspected of hav ing spent the mo s t of their time in bar

rooms,and s imilar places A g enlleman nev er s ils with his

.

hat o n in the flzeaier Gentlemen do not generally sit e v en

.

in an eating roo m with their hats on ,if th ere is any con

-

v e nient p lace to put them .

The books on etiquette will tell yo u,that on waiting on

a lady into a carriage ,or the box of a theater,yo u are to .

take o fi your hat b ut such is not the custom among p o lit e

'

people in this country The inconvenience of such a rul e

.

is a good r ea son against its observance in a co untry where

the practice o f politeness has in it nothing of the servility
1 62 ON GENERA L S O CIE T Y .

Do not touch any of the ornaments in the ho uses where

y o u
visit ;they are meant only for the us e of the lady of

the house,and may be admired,b ut not touched .

L ord Chesterfield,in to h is Son , j ustly

hi s Advice ”

characterizes an absent man as unfit for busin ess or c onver

s ation Abs ence of mind is usually afiec te d,and s prmgs
'

in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted in

profo und contemplations T he world,ho wever,gi ves a
.

man no cre dit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he
s ho ul d be attentive ,even to trifl es The world is right in
m
.

this ,and I would im o re e very stu dious youth to forget

that he is studio us when he enters company I have seen .

many a man ,who would have made a bright character

otherwise ,affect a foolish reserve ,remove himself as far
.

from others as possible,and in a mixed assembly,where

s ocial prattle or sincere conversation enli v ened the hearts

of the company,sit by hi mself abstracted in a b ook It is .

foolis h ,and,what is worse for the abs entee ,it lo oks so A .

hint on this subjec t is s ufiicient,and we do hint,that ah

s tracte dne s s of manner s hould never be exhibited ;the

greatest geniuses have ev er been atten tive to trifles when

it s o behooved them .

Afl e ctatio n oi
superiority galls the feelings of those to
'
'

whom it is o ffered In comp any with an inferior,n ev er

.

let him feel his inferio rity An employer,who in vi tes his

.

confidential clerk to h is hous e ,sho uld treat him in every

way th e s ame as his most dis tmguish e d g uest No refer .

ence to business sho uld be made , and anythin g in the

shape of command avoided It is very easy by a look,a
.

word,the mode of reception ,or otherwise,to advertise to

“ “
the other guests , This is my clerk , or, The person I ”

n o w treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in my servi c e

b ut such a thing would lower the host more than it would
annoy the guest Before B urns had arrived at his high
.

popularity,he was once inv ited by some puffed up lairds -

 0 1V GEN E RA L S O CIE T Y 1 63

to dine ,i n order that they mi ght have the gratifi cation of

hearing the poet sing one of hi s own songs Burns was .

s hown into the servants hall,and left to din e with the

’

meni als Aft er dinner he was invited to the drawing room ,

.
-

and a glass of wine being handed to him ,requested to sing

"

one of his o wn songs He imme di ately gave his entertain

“
.

ers that thrilling assertio n of independence , A man s a ’

man for a that, and left the moment h e had fini shed ,his
’ ”

heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so in

s ul ting to hi s poverty.

P eople who have risen in the wo rld are too apt to s up

pose they render themselves of consequence in propo rtio n
to the pride they display,and their want of attention toward
thosew ith whom they come in contact T his is a terrible
—
.

mistake, every
as ill bred act recoils with triple violenc e
against its perpetrators,by leading the o ffended parties to
analyze the m ,and to Question their right of assuming a
superiority to whi ch they are b ut rarely entitle d .

Punc tuality is one of the characteristic s of politeness .

He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit

for the s ociety of gentlemen ,and will soon fin d hims elf

In private,watch your th o ughts in your family,watch

your temper in society,watch your ton g ue .

Avoid restlessness in company,lest yo u make the whole

party as fidge ty as yourself “D o not beat the Devil s
.
‘ ’

tattoo by drum ming with your fingers on the table ;it

cannot fail to a nnoy every one within hearing,and is the
index of a vacant min d Neither read the newspaper in an
.

audible whisper,as it dis turbs the attention of tho s e near

B i l l f
m
y o u
. oth these bad habits are part cu ar y of ensive
where most common ,that is ,in a counting or news roo -
.

Remember,that a carelessn ess as to what may incommode

others is the sure sign of a coars e and ordinary mind ;
 1 64 ON GEN E RA L S O CIE T Y
.

indeed ,the essential par t Of good bree di ng is more in the

a v oidance of whatever may be disagreeable to o thers ,than
even an accurate observance of the c ustoms of good s o
c ie ty.
”

Goo d sens e must,in many cas es ,determl ne good b reed

ing ;because the same thing that would be ci v il at one
time and to one person ,may be qui te other wise at another
time and to another person .

Chesterfield says , As learnin g,honor,and virtue are

absolutely necessary to gain y o u the esteem andadmiration
of mankin d, politeness and good bree ding are e qually
necessary to make yo u welcome and agreeable in convers a
tion and common life Great talents, such as honor,
.

virtue ,learning,and parts,are above the generality of the

wo rld,who neither possess them themselves nor j u dge of
them rightly in o thers ;b ut all people are j udges of th e
lesser talents,such as civility,affability ,and an o b li ging,
agreeable address and manner ;because they feel the good
”
e ffects of them ,as making s ociety easy and pleasing .

If yo u are in a public room ,as a library or re ading room ,-

avoid loud conversation or laughing,whi ch may disturb

others At the O p era ,or a concert,be profoundly silen t
.

during the performances if y o u do not wish to hear th e

music ,yo u have no right to interfere with the enjoyment
of others .

In accompanying ladi es to any public plac e ,as to a con

cert or lecture ,yo u shoul d pre cede them in entering th e
room ,and procure seats for them .

Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself,ring a bell,

.

pick up a han dk erchief or glove she may ha v e dropped,or,

,
N
in short ,perform any service for herself wh ich y ou can
perform for her wh en yo u are in the room By exten ding .
1 66 ON GEN E RAL S O CIE T Y .

book case ,or to read a written paper lying open ,without

-

permission expressed or implied B ooks in an open case .

or on a center ta b le ,cards in a card case ,and newspapers ,

- -

are presumed to be open for exam ination Be careful .

where yo u go ,what yo u read,and what yo u han dl e,par

Avoid intermeddling with the afiairs of others This is

' ’

a most common fault A number of people seldom meet

.

b ut they be gin di s cussi ng the affairs of s ome one who is

ab sent Thi s is not only uncharitable b ut positively un
.

just It is equivalent to trying a caus e in the abs ence of the

.

ers o n im l
pi at d Even in the criminal ode a prisoner is
p c e . c
presumed to b e innocent until he is fo und g uilty Society , .

however,is less j ust,and passes j udgment without hearing

the defence Depend upon it,as a certain rule ,that the
.

e
p p
o le who unite w ith yo u in dis cus s ing the afiairs of o thers
w ill pro ceed to s candaliz e yo u the m
oment that y o u depart .

B e well read also ,for the sake of the general c ompany

and the ladies ,in the literature of the day Y o u w ill .

thereby enlarge the re gi ons of pleasurable talk Besid e s , .

it is often necessary Haslitt,who had entertained an n u

.

founded prej udice against Dickens s w orks when they were ’

first written ,confesses that he was at last oblig ed to read ,

them ,because he coul d not enter a mixed company with

o ut hearing them admired and qu oted .

conform yo ur conduct ,as near as possible ,to the

Al ways
company with whom yo u are associated If y o u should b e .

thrown amon g people who are vulgar,it is better to humor

them than to set yourself up,th en and there ,for a model
of politeness It is related of a certain king that on a par
.

ticular occasion he turned hi s tea into his saucer,contrary

to the etiqu ette of society ,because two co untry ladies ,
whose hospitalities he was enjoying,di d so T hat ki ng .

was a gentleman and this ane c dote serves to illustrate an

 ON GE N ERA L S OCIE T Y.
1 67

important princi ple namely, that true politeness and

genuine good mann ers often not only permit, b ut ab s o
lutely demand ,a violation of some of the arbitrary rul es of
etiquette B ear this fact i n mi nd
. .

Al though these remarks will not be s ufficient in them

selves to make y o u a gentleman,yet they will enable y o u to
avoid any glaring i mpropriety,and do much to render yo u
easy and c onfi dent in socie ty.

Gentility is neither in birth,manner ,nor fashi on—b ut

—
in the MIN D A high sense of honor a determination
.

—
never to take a mean advantage of another an adherence
to truth ,delicacy,and politeness toward those with whom
y o u may have dealin gs —are the ess ential and distin guish
ing characteristics of A GENTL EMAN .