Two Conversations: Around the Globe: 1895

Conversation One: In the Halls of Rome, capital of Italy

King Umberto I: Gentlemen, we’re here in Italy to discuss expanding our empires in Africa. It
has come to my attention that no European nation has claimed Ethiopia as their colony in
Africa. Should we go after this large African country?

Italian Advisor #1: I, for one, think we should take over Ethiopia. Let’s be honest, we only
have two small countries in Africa, Eritrea, and Somalia, and as a nation we look weak as hell!
Look at France, who took over almost all of West Africa! And Britain, who has colonies at the
top of Africa like Egypt, all the way down to the bottom of the continent, in South Africa. People
are laughing at us Italians! They say we are weak and stupid (like Mr. Geesaman!)

Italian Advisor #2: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. The Ethiopians probably don’t want
us to take over, and they’ve been fending off advances from France, Britain, and ourselves since
1889. That Emperor, Menelik, is a pretty sharp guy. Do you remember what happened when
you tried to sneak that treaty by him, that gave us control of almost all of his land. He totally
slammed the door in our face!

Italian Advisor #3: Shut up Brianna!!!(insert name of #2 here) You’re weak, and we’ll never
get anywhere following your advice. Here’s why I think we should take over Ethiopia. Did you
see how much money King Leopold made from conquering the Congo? He’s taking baths in a
gold-plated tub!!!! He’s got money from rubber, ivory, gold, diamonds, silver, and any number
of other things coming from the Congo. If we take over Ethiopia, we can take over all their
natural resources and raw materials, and force them to trade or sell it to us. It will give Italy a
major chance to make some serious cash.

Italian Advisor #2: But remember how King Leopold treated his subjects in Africa. He had his
army cut off their hands!! He ordered the Force Publique to torture, whip, and rape the natives.
They would carry around baskets of hands from Congolese people. Those people had to pretend
they were dead to stay alive!

Italian Advisor #4: Shut up Brianna!! (insert name of #2 here). You’re a little
baby. Stop crying for those Africans, they are completely and utterly uncivilized.
Some of them even sacrifice animals to their gods. Gods! They are still
polytheist and believe in more than one god! What is wrong with those people?
We need to go in there and teach these Africans how to live. We need to convert
them to Christianity, and show them that the Italian way of life is way, way
better than theirs.

Italian Advisor #1: Not to mention it will show everybody else in the world how powerful the
Italians are. We need to teach these Ethiopians a lesson, as well as to let the French, British,
Spanish, Germans, and Portuguese know that we mean business. I mean, look how small
Belgium is, and like Bukari (insert name of #3 here) said, that little country has shown that it
can conquer a huge tract of land!
Italian Advisor #3: And, who cares what those Africans think of you when you’re rolling in
gold and silver. King Leopold has become a billionaire from all the goods he’s gotten from
Africa. Young money, old money, whatever the hell you want to call it, that dude is rich!

Italian Advisor #2: But at what cost? Is it worth it to make all this money when you’re hurting
innocent Africans?

Italian Advisor #1: Shut up Brianna! (insert name of #2 here) If we are more powerful than the
Ethiopians, we should be able to do whatever we want. We invented the machine gun, they’re
still fighting with old rifles, spears, and a “magic” water that they think stops bullets.

Italian Advisor #4: Damn straight! And these Africans need to be taught about
the civilized world. Hey, it’s the “white man’s burden” here; we owe it to these
Africans to teach them about the world. The real world! Not their crazy ideas
about many gods! And their women barely wear any clothes!

Italian Advisor #3: Hey, I’m not sure if there’s anything wrong with their women not wearing
any clothes, but look at it this way. We can sell them clothes, and make even more money off of
it!

Italian Advisor #2: Doesn’t anybody want to ask the Africans what they think of all of this?

Italian Advisor #1, #3, and #4: SHUT UP Brianna (insert name of #2 here)!!!!!

King Umberto: Then it’s settled. We will take over Ethiopia by force. I will send word to
General Baratieri to attack Menelik’s forces as soon as possible. Viva Italia!!! (Long Live Italy)
 Two Conversations: Around the Globe: 1895
Conversation #2: Meanwhile, across the globe, in an Ethiopian palace…

Ethiopian Noble: Emperor Menelik, we need to do something soon! The Italians are probably
going to attack us. We should surrender!

Emperor Menelik II: You have such little faith. We have been successfully fending off
conquerors for the past 20 years. The British, the French, and the Italians have all tried to use
their influence to take over our beloved country, and we have never given up.

Ethiopian Noble: But Emperor, we are helpless to stop the Europeans if they were to attack us!
The Europeans have conquered almost every piece of land in Africa. Even huge pieces of land
like Sudan and the Congo have been taken. Do you remember what the Europeans did to the
Africans in the Congo? They chopped off their hands, one by one, until most of the natives
couldn’t catch a football. I like my hands!

Emperor Menelik II: That will never happen to Ethiopia. Besides, the Italians have been lying
to us for a long time. It’s time we make a stand! Remember that treaty they asked us to sign.
They worded the treaty differently in our language and in their language. When I thought I was
signing a small treaty giving them access to a small amount of land, in their treaty it said that
they controlled almost all of my country! It’s time we deal with these snakes, these liars.

Ethiopian Noble: But sir, we are no match for the Europeans. Do you remember what they did
to the Herero in Southwest Africa? When they fought back, the Germans surrounded them,
forced them into the desert, and then stranded them out there until 8000 of them died! I like to
eat! I like to drink! I’m not getting stranded in a desert until I die of starvation! With their
modern weapons, we have no chance to fight them.

Emperor Menelik II: Don’t forget, though, that we have been buying weapons from the
French and the Russians for the past seven years. In order to make the French happy, we spent
a LOT of money on modern weapons, saying we needed to defend ourselves from the British and
the Italians. We’ve been getting weapons, food, and other goods from the Europeans for years,
and each group has been happy to sell us their stuff, in order to spite the others. We’ve played
the Europeans against each other, like they used to do with us Africans, when they had our own
people capture slaves for them. Don’t you worry, we’ve built up a large stock of weapons to
use, and we’ll be ready for the Italians.

Ethiopian Noble: You make a good point, almighty Emperor. We will follow your every order
as we prepare for the Europeans. They will probably be overconfident, and won’t bring as many
men as we have.

Emperor Menelik II: Now you’re talking! We will outnumber the Italians, use our modern
weapons, and defeat them. I will personally lead our troops to inspire them, and we will
position ourselves on the hills of our land, in a perfect position to defeat the Italians. It’s about
time that we teach those white devils a lesson!