How can a newly married couple new to

bhakti strengthen their relationship?

by APRIL 30, 2017

FacebookTwitterShare
Answer Podcast
Audio Player
00:00

00:00

Duration: 10 min

Transcribed by: Sundarinath Das

Question: If we are newly married and new to Krishna consciousness, how

can we move to improve our relationship with our spouse?

Answer (short):
• As devotees, we see all our relationships with Krishna as the center to that
relationship.
• In close relationships, people generally follow emotions and not logic.
Hence small things can easily become big.
• If we have a strong relation with Krishna, emotions cannot blow things out
of perspective because Krishna provides us emotional security. Hence,
stronger our relationship with Krishna, more stable will be our relationship
with our spouse.

Answer (long): All relationships are founded on a set of mutual expectations.

I expect something from the other person, the other person expects something
from me. To the extent those expectations are fulfilled, the relationship
becomes stronger; we may feel, that this person cares for me.

The problem is that nobody can fulfill our expectations because no one is
perfect. We often have an expectation of perfection from the other person but
we ourselves are not perfect.
When we practice bhakti-yoga, we understand that every relationship that I
am in, there is a third person also involved. That person is Krishna. We have
a relationship with others in this world, but we also have a relationship with
Krishna. Sometimes, other people may not behave in a way we expect.
Sometimes they may behave in a way that is opposite from what we expect.
At such time, we need patience and tolerance. All of us go through bad
phases in our lives. We may have bad moods or some other things going
wrong in our lives and we may behave in irritable ways. Moreover, all of us
have certain sides to our personality which may not be so attractive for
others. This is just the way human beings are. If we approach our marital
relationship with the idea of tit for tat (the way you behave, I will behave in
the same way), then the home becomes Kurukshetra. There would be “cold
wars” or even “hot wars” in the relationship. However, when we have
Krishna as the third person in our relationship, we understand our eternal
relationship with Krishna. Then everything that we do in our other
relationships, that helps us to move closer to Krishna. When we focus on
“what will please Krishna” and act accordingly, we can act with much more
maturity in relationships.

An example can be given here. Suppose there is a person who is an attendant

in a cloth shop showing clothes to customers. Now, some customers could be
very fussy. They will look at hundreds of dresses and will not purchase even
one after that. For such customers, the attendant may have to labor hard by
packing and unpacking all the clothes in respective place. Big work! The
attendant can get irritated, but if the attendant thinks, “My salary is not
coming from this customer. My salary comes from the boss. My boss is
watching and he also knows that this is a difficult customer.” Although, the
attendant may not make the sale, but if the attendant is courteous and well-
behaved, the boss will take note and will appreciate, “You are a cool-headed
person. You know how to deal with difficult people.” Despite not making the
sale, the boss may well promote the person from an attendant to a supervisor
of attendants.
Success of such interaction is not just in making the sale. That is, off course,
one dimension of success. However, another important aspect is whether the
boss is pleased or not. Similarly, as aspiring devotees, we should see our
every interaction as, “This person is behaving annoyingly. I am feeling
irritated. How can I respond to this person so that Krishna is pleased?”
It does not mean that each time we have to just accept the “neglect” or
“rejection”, but what it means is that we do not let our response be
determined by other person’s actions. Our response should be determined by
our principles. Sometimes, a strong response may be required. Sometimes,
we may have to just tolerate and neglect things. When tolerance comes in the
relationships, then small things stay small. We can overlook small things,
focus on big things and move forward in that relationship. Having Krishna as
the third person in our relationship can help us bring a substantial amount of
stability.

One of the biggest problems in relationships, especially in close relationships,

is that people are not always logical. Emotions don’t follow logic. That is
why, something might be small, but because of the emotions involved, it
might become very big. If we have a strong relation with Krishna, emotions
cannot blow things out of perspective. In a strong relationship with Krishna,
we get our emotional security from Him. Hence, stronger our relationship
with Krishna, more stable will be our relationship with others.

Spending due amount of time on our vertical relationship with Krishna will
help us. While doing this, we also have to be more understanding of each
other. Our spirituality should make us more understanding of each other, not
more judgmental of each other. That means, if we are becoming spiritual, we
should not think, “I am right, you are wrong.” No. We have to understand
that, “For me doing this right thing might be easy, but there are other right
things which I am not able to do. Similarly, for somebody else doing this
right thing, which is easy for me, may be very difficult.” For example, one
can be very cleanliness conscious, but the other person may not be. They may
want to change, but old habits take time to change. Cleanliness can appear a
very simple thing to one person but for the other- “It is not so simple!” We
can understand other person’s perspective by looking at some of our own
conditionings. By doing so we can become more sympathetic towards others.
Our spiritual practices can help us to become more sympathetic and thus
become more understanding to others.

We should learn to see our relationship with others, even our marital
relationship, as a service. We should understand that we have come together
in this relationship, not just for material gratification but for our spiritual
evolution. Sometimes the other person will help us evolve through their nice
behavior, but sometimes they help us evolve through their bad behavior as
well. If we expect material gratification from our marital relationship, it will
not work out, there will be frustration. However, if we keep our purpose of
spiritual evolution central in our relationship, then it will bring a substantial
amount of stability, maturity and eventually proximity in our relationship
with our spouse.