“Gratuitous Nudity”

“The Naked Maid”

“The Bliss of a Bris”
“Window to Window”
“Fight the Urge”
“Robert Mitchum”
“Jack’s Song (I Beat My Meat)”
“Member’s Only”
“Perky Little Porn Star”
“Nothin’ But the Radio On”
“Kris, Look What You’ve Missed”
“Muscle Addiction”
“The Entertainer”
“Window to Window (Reprise)”
“Window to the Soul”
“Finale”
“Naked Boys Singing!”
“Gratuitous Nudity”

Tonight you’ll finally get what you paid for

Tonight you’ll see what our bodies are made for
Tonight get ready for something risque’
Tonight we throw inhibition away
Why even bother to make a fuss (Why make a fuss)
When it’s obvious to us you’re here to see gratuitous nudity

Tonight we show no remorse or apology

Tonight we sing Billy Grammar doxology
Tonight it’s no wonder that we’re all the rage
Tonight we give new meaning to other stage
Pat Robertson should live in fear (Just live in fear)
Stick it in your rear, we’re here

No crudity, just gratuitous nudity

My mother spent all of the money she earned
On tap shoes and tights and the lessons I learned
If she saw me today well what would I say?
For my ten years of tap and six years of ballet
Look I’m grateful for all my professional gains

And now I can tell her “Hey look ma, no Hanes”

Tonight there’s an atmosphere where it’s alright to stare
Tonight you won’t wonder what’s under our underwear
You’re straight or you’re bi or transgendered or queer
There’s only one reason tonight that you’re here

So side by side and front to rear (And front to rear)

We will shout out loud “We’re proud”
No prudity, oh yes no prudity
Tonight you’re gonna see
I stand before you naked, what’s left of me to show?
The doors and blinds are shut now, I’ve nowhere else to go

I’ve peeled off all the layers and what have I discovered?
That being naked means much more than being just uncovered
Today I want to learn all that nakedness could mean
I mean I need to know that who I am isn’t shameful or obscene
For if what we think is true and honesty our goal
Then nakedness is just another window to the soul

Tonight no drama tragic with a bleak end

Tonight it’s more like Palm Strings on a weekend
Tonight good old Shakespeare’s considered a bore
Tonight something new and unique is in store
 We love to hear our audience roar (Just hear them roar!)
If you yell and scream for more you’re sure to see

Oh yes they’re sure to see, oh yes you’re shore to see

Gratuitous, gratuitous, gratuitous, gratuitous nudity

“The Naked Maid”

I told an old acquaintance I was desperate for a job

And oddly then he asked if I was anal or a slob
He said he cleaned apartments and he could use a hand
But there’s one stipulation his customers demand
Scrubbing toilers with your dick out
Vacuum carpets in the buff
Making sure your buttocks stick out
Waiting for the sheets to fold and fluff
Flash a lot of muscle, while dutifully you hustle
To make a hovel sparkle like the Taj Mahal
Nudity is fun to me, attention is like sex to me
Cleaning is good therapy so till my bills are paid
I really sort of love my job, I’m a naked maid

At the start the clients nervous

That’s when you become the host
Tell them all about your service
Laugh about which Olsen Twin you hate the most
Next you start disrobing and then begin your probing
Looking for the tools you need to clean his house
Paper towels and Bathroom Duck
And all the while he wants to fuck
Unless he’s cute he’s out of luck, my business cards inlaid
Not Mop and Blow or Spic and Spank it says The Naked Maid

He will follow you like cattle

Let him ogle all he likes
As you clean you sort of prattle
Entertain him as the moment strikes
An odd scenario, some say it’s scary-o
It’s naked stand up comedy except you use a broom
Working on my hands and knees, getting into crevices
Knowing that I’m sure to please you as I promenade
It’s good to clean fun for you and me, just call The Naked Maid

When all is clean and dried, I gave it my best shot

The body of my work has left him pleased; yet hot
For now until my ship comes in I really wouldn’t trade
The satisfaction that I get to be a naked maid
 But! Just to add a coda, that when I reach my quota
I don’t care an iota for the gift of cleanliness
I hope you won’t think less
Unless I can undress, to show off and impress
I fail to obsess
The irony I guess is
My place is a mess!
What a dump!

“The Bliss of a Bris”

When I was eight days old a crowd gathered in my room

With a man in a robe and had something shiny in his hand
And he said behold the fruit of his mother’s womb
And he spoke in a language that I couldn’t even understand
And the people squealed as my manhood was revealed
And he held it up for everyone to see
They said it was “Divine”
And they toasted it with wine
And behaved as though it had a pedigree

Ah the bliss of a bris

When they all congregate to admire your penis
They stare
And the glare of their idolization is brighter than Venus
They’re awed
They applaud as they thrill at the sight of it’s dazzling perfection
They gasp as they grasp how sublime it will be when it has an erection
They rave at the length and the marvelous angle
They fell at the girth and they plot at the dangle
It doesn’t get better than this, the bliss of a bris
You suppose that these roses are going to be thrown every day
Ah but then they snip off the tip once you’ve shown it
And that’s when they say “don’t expose it again”
But I do, I’ll show you
And then you may commence complimenting and cooing
So gaze, give it praise
Like a Liz Taylor movie with Rex Reed reviewing
Acclaim it, adore it, extoll it, exalt it
Rejoice in it’s glory, for God’s sake don’t fault it
Fawning and flattering, worshipping, swooning
Remember it doesn’t need any more pruning
Just say “It’s like butter”
So now they go cut her
Bask in it’s spelndor
Unplug the blender
 No sharp objects near it
Simply revere it
Oh how I miss the bliss of a bris

“Window to Window”

There you are again

Passing by your window
Will you look out and see me standing here?
Here I am again
Standing at my window
Will we play the same old game, so far, so near?
The accidental glance where we discover one another
Then we’ll make up an excuse to look again
And finally, we fix our gaze from behind our windowsills
Where we finally agree, we both like what we see
And here we are again
Slowly rising passion
Will this be the night you beckon me to come to you?

Cause if you send for me I will touch you and caress you
And if you send for me I will tell you all the things I dream
And how everything with you feels so right
And make sweet love until the morning light

Here we go again
Taking off our shirts
And teasing with the way we slide our pants down
And in our underwear
How we stop and stare
The things that we go through to let our guards down
A connection that was made from window to window
There’s magic in that alone
A moment by itself that can’t be taken lightly
At last, someone to call my own!

And if you send for me, I will feel and kiss and hold you
And if you send for me, I will share my beating heart
Knowing everything with you will be alright
And make sweet love until the morning light

I see the way you want me

It’s the way that I want you
I want you, I want you, I want you

Please won’t you send for me?

We can start our lifetime of caring
 Come on, send for me
Take a risk, be daring
I know everything for us will turn out right

No, don’t pull down the shade

And don’t turn out your light
Let’s end this silly game
Don’t lose sight
Please, just one last peek
I’m the one you seek

Well then, until tomorrow night

“Fight the Urge”

Don’t, please don’t, don’t do it

Think of really ugly girls and the smell of body odor and your parents having sex
Don’t, I’m embarrassed and I’m shy and it’s happening by reflex
Wait, please wait, wait a minute
Wait until I’m in my locker and they’ve given me my towel and I’ve put on my jeans
Shit, wait, it’s an evolution oversight that dicks have no brains
Breathe, just breathe, breathe deeply
Pretend your in a forest surrounded by tranquility and no one else is here
Right, breathe, nothing like hard evidence to prove that I’m a queer
Screwing up in gym class or the baseball field
The basketball court, the wrestling match
I hate this Nazi torture as it stands
Then like World War II we’re forced to wait for the shower
And I don’t have the power to control my fucking glands
Thank God for my hands
My feet hurt
Don’t, wait, breathe
My feet hurt
Really ugly girl, in my Hanes, no one’s here
Let my mind and body converge
Yes it’s for thrills to see Bobby Baker nude but you don’t understand that pointing is rude
Fight the urge

Stop, oh stop, stop thinking

The more you focus on it the more the blood is flowing
The more you feel the rush, help, stop
It makes the lead go to my pencil and my whole body flush
Letting nature happen here could ruin my life
And get me punched in the nose
Called a big fag
I wonder if this fight will take it’s toll
So while I’ll never be normal and I won’t have a wife
 I can still have a life if I can get myself under control
That’s the goal
Don’t think of a pole
Or a hole
Breathe, breathe, breathe, tranquility, tranquility
No, no, no, fight the urge
Don’t wait breathe, stop, don’t, wait, breathe, stop
Fight the urge
Bloody nose, you’re a faggot, ruin my life
All these thoughts I’m desperate to purge
No one’s noticed yet, if they did I’d have died
I can’t let anyone know what’s happening inside
I am all alone, I am all alone, I am all alone

“Robert Mitchum”

There must be something wrong with me

Cause I don’t find in the least sexy
All those pretty boys with their perfect bods
Prancin’ around like Hollywood gods
Yet, everywhere that I care to look
In every movie and every book
I see, I see, I see those guys with their deltoids pumped
And their sex appeal has my libido, stumped

As for me, I long for the days of Robert Mitchum

I know, he was a little beefy and soft
But, when he took it all off
He was bitchin’
For me, I long for the days when guys didn’t look like they spent all week at a gym
When skinny legs and love handles were in
At least a smidgen
Give me Robert Mitchum

Now, I’m not immune to the well known charms

Of a drop dead chest and some well toned arms
But a little flaw here and there makes it hard for me not to stare
Now, I’ll never look like Marky Mark
But some people say I’ve a real big heart
It’s true, it’s true, oh god, I woulda been hot back then
Before the age of implants and calogens

As for me, I long for the days of Robert Mitchum

Though he smoked and did a lot of bad stuff, but…
When he acted real tough
He had me twitchin’
As for me, I long for the days when guys didn’t drink bottled water, but bottles of gin
 Or fret about the state of the skin
That’s when I would ditch ‘em
Give me Robert Mitchum

Does anybody remember him in “Cape Fear?”

Now that was a moving experience
He was homicidally, sexually serious

Bad to the core, and the little he wore

I’ll never forget, and better yet
When his bedroom eyes came into view
You know he knew just what to do
A perfect ten back in the days of real men like…
Robert Mitchum
And I’m not alone

As for us, we long for the days of Robert Mitchum

When guys came in all sizes and shapes
Some could even get dates
And while we’re dishin’
As for us, we long for days when guys weren’s so young
Or tall, or thin, or perfectly done
Hell, let’s be frank, so perfectly hung
A perfect ten back in the days of real men like…
Robert Mitchum

“Jack’s Song (I Beat My Meat)”

When all those trials and tribulations gather daily at my door

When all those petty aggravations are attaching even more
In my hour of desperation something always pulls me through
Thus I find rejuvenation doing what I always do
I beat my meat
I beat my meat
I get a grip and if it’s stiff I’m gonna give myself a treat
I seek relief
I pound my beef
I breathe a sigh and yet if I don’t feel contented and complete
I just repeat
I beat my meat
You don’t need an education
You don’t need a PhD
All you need is concentration and the rest comes naturally
You don’t need collaboration
Calvin Kleins or great physiques
Now we’ll do a demonstration of a few of our techniques
I beat my meat
 I beat my meat
I get a grip and if it’s stiff I’m gonna give myself a treat
I beat my meat
I beat my meat
I breathe a sigh and yet if I don’t feel contented and complete
Then I repeat, then I repeat, then I repeat
I beat my meat

What in the (?) moralizing

But our favourite form of exercising
Is socially correct
As well as advertising
Cause who would serve a steak in need of tenderizing
So… I beat my meat
I beat my meat
And since it’s stiff I get a grip
I’m gonna give myself a treat
I beat my meat
I beat my meat
And when I do I’m telling you I’m contented and complete
I get a thrill, I get the girll, change my attire, and light the fire
I salt, I oil and then I broil then we say grace and then we eat
But first I beat, but first I beat, but first I beat, but first I beat, but first I beat

“Member’s Only”

According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English language

Penis is the male organ of copulation, and in mammals urinary excretion
When one lists the male genitalia
There’s one book will never ever fail ya
When fishin’ for a definition let us not forget
The infamous Thesaurus by Roget
According to the southern Baptist sexual manual
Penis is…
In matters categorical or even metaphorical
We’ve only found an oracle or something sophomorical
So on the face and until now unexposed
We present the different genuses
The long and short of what we call our penises
Dick, dick, prick, prick, dick, prick, dick, prick, dick, prick
Dicka, pricka, dicka, pricka, dicka, pricka, schlong, dong, schlong, dong
Peter, penis, Peter, penis, Peter, penis
Willie, willie, willie, willie
Woodie, Woodie, Woodie, Woodie
(A bunch of over written words)
Does he wear it on the right? Is it tan or black or white?
Does he wear it on the left?
 Big, fat, short, thin?
Big or little?
Big, fat, short, thin?
Is it pink or is it red or peach and black, white
Pink or brown, left or right
Here’s a dick and here’s a pecker, here it comes, a double decker
What a wanker, what a wanker
What a wanker, what a wanker
Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, un… cut
Remember the member

“Perky Little Porn Star”

I’m a perky little porn star from Skokie, Illinois

My mother doesn’t like my job at all
If I have to go to work
Sexuality’s a perk
But she says it’s just as far as I could fall
Me, I’m a Jewish boy inside but the nice part went and died
On the first day that I showed up on the set
I could hear the rabbi screaming cause I did what I was dreaming
Since the day I saw Tab Hunter soaking wet
When your background is suburban and wholesome and Deanna Durbin
And the subject of your penis is taboo
It really is a thrill though to monkey with your dildo
And let the world watch you while you screw
I’m a perky little porn star from Skokie, Illinois
I can’t believe it’s happening to me
The guys are jealous of the sex
With Ryan Jeff and Rex
I get to live a game as fantasy
But try to tell an old Curmudgeon that you like to push the fudge in
With two guys or three or four
He will call you heretic sinner abberant, your sick
Blow the chauffeur, not a boy on Yom Kippur
If I shoot a film on (?) it’s both in my mouth and tucas
A sudden gush of family shame attached
I continue giving head and pretend that mom is dead
And my conscience and my sphincter can relax
I’m a perky little porn star from Skokie, Illinois
I don’t quite make a killing spilling seed
But the money’s pretty good and as long as I get wood
I can have the little comfort that I need. See?
Depending on the ratio of schtupping to fellatio
And what I’ll do and what he’ll do to me
I know I’ve really got ‘em if I say I’ll top or bottom
Profit comes from versatility
 There’s a part of me that’s guilty but if my costar is built he makes me whimper (?)
Or scream and sound and beg
Thrilled the film is getting made, I’m getting paid and getting laid
And his family jewels are larger than my leg, wheee…
I’m a perky little porn star from Skokie, Illinois
I’ve got some awesome films for you to rent
That may be my legacy, no big acting life for me
And I guess this means I can’t be president
So my prospects may seem bleak, you may see me as a freak
But I did it and I’ll face the consequence
I guess I needed to rebel cause my life at home was hell
But I love it and I made it
Pretty soon I’ll get a cut when they start to sell the nifty rubber version of my butt
And when my posterior goes down for posterity
They can’t say he’s inferior because he chose to bare it
He’s a perky little porn star from Skokie, from Skokie, Illinois
I’m a perky little porn star from Skokie, Illinois

“Nothin’ But the Radio On”

Honey, Aunt Ruby just gave Daddy and me this Playgirl magazine
Now, I can’t believe you’d expose yourself like that
I don’t know how I’m ever gonna hold my head up in this town again
What were you thinking?

Hey Chris, why didn’t you tell me you were gonna ruin your career not to mention mine
I’m your agent, we’ve gotta talk, hold on I’ve got another call coming in

Marilyn Monroe posed without clothes

For a backroom calendar
One of those, the nation was shocked
Mama called her a sleaze
But she sold a million calendars and tripled her fees
She was just stark and a little naïve
When the press asked “Hon, what did you have on?”
Would you believe she said
“I had nothing but the radio on
Nothing but the radio on
Now tell me boys is that so wrong?
You’d best be believing it was playing the sweetest song
With nothing but the radio on”
Young Burt Reynolds did his own spread
In Cosmo magazine, everybody has read
On a bearskin rug with a grin on his face
With one hand over his talent, the man has taste
And two seconds later Momma’s just stunned
But when the talk died down in our sleepy town
 Burt was the new number one
And he had nothing but the radio on
Nothing but the radio on
Now tell me boys is that so wrong
You’d best be believing it was playing the sweetest song
Nothing but the radio on

With nothing but a few dreams and a pleasing personality

Though I had ambition I was shy
But you know I kinda like being in the light
When the cameras started clicking
I was a star burning bright, burning bright
And I had nothing but the radio on
Nothing but the radio
Nothing but the radio
Nothing but the radio on
Now I don’t believe that it’s oh so wrong
And from now on they’ll be playing my country song
Nothing but the radio on

I’m at my best, I’m better than all the rest

With nothing but the radio on

“Kris, Look What You’ve Missed”

I was naked, I was raw

And oh so vulnerable
I got angry, I got lost
I loved you so much
Such talent, such humour
So much to live for
With passion, with fever
You were my life
You’re the one who left
But there’s nothing left of me
Chris look what you’ve missed

I have more friends dead than I do here

So many, so wasteful
I try to forget
I’m busy, I’m active, I have to survive
I am empty, it’s lonely, but I am alive
I’m the one who’s left
And I want it to be we
Chris look what you’ve missed
I miss you, I wonder how much you have changed
Life goes on, I’m dating, I have a great job
 I love you, I laugh now, remembering things
You’re with me, part of me, we’re growing up
We are still as one
Oh but I’m becoming me
Chris, look what you’ve missed
Richard got fat, then got bald, then got thin
And Michael is famous and Sam hasn’t changed
Young Neptune he’s married and Rover’s on Mars
There’s hope now, we’re living, I feel ok
I am standing strong now
Here with my memories

I met a man and he loves me so very much

He’s nothing like you and I love him too
We’re happy, we’re one now
We have a good life
I’m me now, I’m whole now, I’m a grown man

Chris, look what you missed

So Chris, oh Chris, oh Chris, look at what you missed

“Muscle Addiction”

Six am, the sun is gone and my eyes all droopy, I’m yawnin’
Everybody’s looking all mean and grim
Why the hell do I come to the gym?
My eyes say no, my lips say no, my head says no
But Willie says yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’ve gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
If you wanna be a humpy hunky boy
And you’ve gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
If you wanna be a humpy hunky muscleman
My muscles shake and I’m soaking wet
And I’m just finishing my first set
I look in the mirror and I’m showing some pride
Then a big boy comes and stands by my side
I feel like a stick standing next to him
Why the hell do I come to the gym?
Biceps say no, triceps say no, my pecs say no
But Willie says yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You’ve gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
If you wanna be a humpy hunky boy
And you’ve gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
If you wanna be a humpy hunky muscleman
Run on the treadmill, I’m outta air, run in place and I get nowhere
Pant and wheeze and growing dim
Why the hell do I go to the gym?
My lungs say no, my legs say no, my heart says no
 But Willie says yeah
It’s true for you and it’s true for me
Gay mans got to be fat free

Arch your back

Turn, pose, head for the shower
Slowly peel your sweaty clothes
Pout, brood, sulk, scowl
Slowly sip into a scimpy towel
And as you step beneath the steamy spray
Pretend you don’t notice you’re on display
Keep on soaping, groping too
Because everybody’s secretly scoping you

Fire, steam, like a sweaty dream

The figure shift is straining your eyes
Feel the tension rise and rise

Cruising, floozing, oozing

And my arms say aahh
And my legs say aahh
And my back says aahh
And Willie?
Willie says hi, hi
Later? Yeah
Romeo and Juliet it ain’t
So get out of the steamroom (out of the steam room, out of the steam room)
Before you faint

If god made his angels with his muscley grace

Then heaven (Heaven, heaven) must be a hot and sweaty place

This may sound dumb and this may sound silly

But I'm pretty sure I'm working out for Willie
Getting big and buff should go
Does it matter which head is in control?
Who cares if the little heads the one?
As long as you get your workout done
Yes I'm doing it all for him
Now I know why I go to the gym
And Willie says yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
if you wanna be a humpy hunky boy
You gotta be a pumpy junkie boy
if you wanna be a......muscle man
“The Entertainer”

“Window to Window (Reprise)”

There you are again

Passing by your window
You look out and see me standing here
And here we are again
Slowly rising passion
Will this be the night you beckon me to come to you?
Cause if you send for me I will touch you and caress you
And if you send for me I will tell you all the things I dream
I know everything with you feels so right
And makes me love until the morning light
I see the way you want me
It's the way that I want you
I want you. I want you. I want you
Please won't you send for me?
We can start our lifetime of caring
Come on send for me
Take a risk. Be daring
I know everything for us will turn out right

Well then. Until tomorrow night

“Window to the Soul”

I stand before you naked (I stand before you naked)

Whats left of me to show (what's left of me to show)
The doors and blinds are shut now ( The doors and blinds are shut now)
There's nowhere else to go (There's nowhere else to go)

Today I want to learn

And today I want to love
Today we fit inside each other
And we're holding one another like a hand inside a glove
And today I start to know
What two lovers really mean
And now I know that who I am isn't shameful or obscene
But if what we think is two. For if what we seek is two
Then one is the other. One is the other
Oh their nakedness. (Their nakedness)
Their nakedness is just another window to the soul
And if you send for me
I will feel and kiss and hold you
And if you send for me
I will share my beating heart
 Knowing everything for us will turn out right
Tonight you'll finally get what you paid for
I'm a perky little porn star from Skokie Illinois
I really sort of love my job. I'm a naked maid
Tonight you will see what our bodies are made for
Nothing but the radio on
Tonight get ready for something risque'
I beat my meat. I beat my meat. I beat my meat. I beat my meat
Tonight we throw inhibition away
Give me Robert Mitchum
Ah the bliss of a brist
Tonight Will Shakespeare's considered a bore
Tonight something new and unique is in store
We love to hear our audience roar (just hear them roar)
If you yell and scream for more you're sure to see
Oh yes there's sure to be
Oh yes you're sure to see
Gratuitous, gratuitous, gratuitous, gratuitous nudity
Tonight

“Finale”

“Naked Boys Singing!”