RENT A FRIEND

As we get more and more lonely, the free market has helpfully filled the void. Many

websites now offer "rentable friends." Craigslist has its own somewhat creepy section for

general hangouts. This isn't some obscure niche anymore. Rent-A-Friend alone has over 600,000

professional friends on call.

So what's it like to be a professional buddy to people who, for one reason or another, can't find

friends the normal way? It's weird as hell! At times, anyway. "John" has served over a hundred

clients as a rented friend, and he shared some war stories with us.

One Guy Wanted To Play In The McDonald's Ball Pit

It's not that every person paying for friendship is too creepy for normal society, but some of

them totally are. "I had a friend match who wanted to go to a McDonald's ... He was in his 40s

and had on a parka even though it was in the 70's," says John. "As an icebreaker, I asked him

about it, and he said it was to keep him warm. It was bad vibes, but I brushed that aside. Maybe

he was really cold."

See, the thing is, lots of people paying for companionship have real trouble getting it otherwise.

It often doesn't take long to find out why. "We ordered and he talked. No surprise, because

most 'friends' love to talk. It was most about San Francisco, and we shared what we liked about

the city. Then he said 'Let's go in the play place.'" You know, the little play area where

customers send their kids?

"Before I could say maybe we shouldn't, he took off his shoes and jumped with a huge belly flop

into the ball pit, narrowly missing a toddler. The parents, quite rightly, said he should get out,

but he threw a few plastic balls at them. I told him, 'Hey, maybe we should go back to eating,'

but he tried to get me to join him. The manager came in after a parent complained and told him

to get out. He did.

Well ... maybe the guy's just a child at heart? "When we left, he then suggested that we wear

each others shirts. I said no, as kindly as I could, and he said, 'You're no fun.' Then he floated

the idea of following around a random person and seeing how long it would take before they

noticed and walked faster or ran. I had to say no again, because that is creepy as hell.

Thankfully he said, 'I know the site said we had a lot in common, but I'm not seeing it.'

One Guy Pretended To Drown

That is not an isolated example. Offer your friendship for cash, and you get a dazzling array of

folks who just ... don't know to be around people. Maybe if they were wealthy, they'd just be

called eccentric?

"A 'friend' said he wanted to go swimming at the beach," says John of another client. "I thought

that sounded fun. And it was fun, at first. Then he pretended to drown."

Like, this is a bit he does? To break the ice? "I freaked out, and me and another man pulled him

out. He looked dead, and the man who helped him out started calling 911. Then my 'friend'

said, 'Gotcha!' and started laughing and went back into the ocean. The man who helped said,

'What the hack is his problem?!' I told him I didn't know, because I didn't."

It's sad when you meet someone who seems fundamentally incapable of reading a room, but

you have to admire the dedication. "Later he pretended to fall asleep at the wheel when there
was an awkward pause in the conversation. He acted like it wasn't a big deal and gave me a

perfect score, but I told the admin [of the rental service] that I didn't want to see him again."

One Guy Used His Bare Hands To Eat At A High-End Restaurant

The French Laundry, despite the confusing name, is one of the top restaurants in the world. It

has Michelin stars, and the cheaper meals can run you about a month's worth of rent (or if

you're in San Francisco, about five days' worth). So when a client offers to buy dinner for you

there, what's the worst that can happen? Then again, you'd think somebody who could afford

that place would already have someone to eat with ...

"We got into the French Laundry, and we had a good conversation going. He was mainly

talking at me, but it sounded like he needed a release. Then his salad came, complete with

special silverware." Specifically, a chilled fork. Yes, it's that kind of place. "He literally grabbed

the entire salad in his hands and started eating it like a sandwich." This is an amazing mental

image. It seems like you could totally get teenagers to eat salad if you told them this was an

option.

"I thought it was a fluke, or even that it was made to be eaten that way, but the next dish was

fish and he ate it like that again. Then pasta. Everything. He didn't even wipe his hands ..." John

didn't want to piss the guy off, so he waited until afterward to say anything. "He just told me,

'Nah. If they can't accept me like this, they aren't good people.' During the entire meal, others

were just staring. Like, Silicon Valley, Napa types ... he kept repeating that every food was

finger food, and that 'People who mind it are wrong.'"