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Guilty Secret

Chloe Espinosa

Southwestern College and New Earth Institute

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There are multiple meanings to my painting that reflect my attitudes towards money from

childhood up until now. When I think about money I feel a lump in my throat and associate it

with feelings such as stress, shame, guilt, and sadness. The girl in the painting is me. The

monster on the back of my head is a Japanese yōkai symbolizing a disclosed secret. There are

multiple hands feeding the yōkai with money and one around my neck shushing me. Along with

my neck being choked, the yōkai’s mouth is full to the point of potential choking, yet his hunger

rages on.

I wanted to emphasize the somatic pain (choking anxiety/guilt) I experience when I think

about money because it has been prominent for many years of my life. Throughout my

elementary school years both my parents were part of the working class. We were blessed to

always have our needs met but my mom often worried about money because she only made

enough to barely meet our needs, which in turn taught me that money is stress inducing. Her and

my dad are divorced but they both agreed that they wanted to send me to the best schools they

could afford. Between their two paychecks, they were able to send me to private schools.

However, for the first few years of elementary school I was labeled an outcast because I did not

dress as well as the other children and could not afford to get the same brands they wore. This

later led to severe bullying (adding to my socioeconomic stress) up until fifth grade when my

socioeconomic status changed.

In fifth grade my dad received a managerial position at his work that came with a

significant raise. Additionally, he invested in multiple “hopeless” properties and had a great

success flipping and renting them. On the other hand, my mom’s status remained the same. This

is when I started feeling a choking guilt for being able to afford things she could not. Both my

parents grew up in working poor families and had worked hard to give me a better life. While my
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dad worked his way up in the car business from a car washer to a partial owner/general manager,

my mom got stuck in a secretarial position where she was treated poorly. It did not seem fair to

me that I had access traveling opportunities, nice clothes, and a wonderful education while she

worked tirelessly with little to no recognition. I then started feeling guilty whenever I saw

anyone who had less money than me because I did not do anything to work for my status and

there were thousands who worked much harder than me and have stayed stagnant. The guilty

secret that the yōkai represents is that I grew up in managerial/upper class family on my dad’s

side. I am looking at the money in the painting with discontent because I know none of it was

earned.

This guilt, however, fostered a significant bias, people need to work in order to have

worth and feel successful. This bias was mostly directed inward and gave me a drive to work as

often as I could as soon as I was of age. Recently, however my bias was projected outward when

my mom was diagnosed with lupus. She struggled to keep a job for the past couple years because

she has to take a lot of sick days to manage her pain. At the moment she is unemployed and I’m

the sole provider for the two of us. This was a hard reality for me because I started seeing my

mom as useless for staying home on the couch all day. I resented her for not working and failed

to see her day to day struggle.

We have been seeing a family counselor who challenged my rigid ideas of worth. It was

then that I realized that my biases will keep me from empowering any client who cannot work, or

hold job because my definition of worth is so narrow. I think of myself as an open minded

person, but it is time that I put my money where my mouth is, like the yōkai in my painting,

change my definition of worth, and treat my mom with the empathy and support she deserves. I
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also need to reflect on my guilt and turn it into gratitude and drive to help those in lower

socioeconomic classes to feel empowered rather than allowing it to choke and overcome me.
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