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In my case, my mother passed on to me the negative core belief

that I did not deserve good things. Whenever good things happened
to me when I was a little girl, my mother would either warn me that
something bad was going to happen or she would do something to
make me feel bad.
The most powerful experience of this message occurred when I
was fifteen and a junior in high school. My first two years in high
school hadn’t been very good for me. I had transferred from another
school district and didn’t know many people. Because we were poor
and my mother hadn’t taught me how to take care of myself, I didn’t
look as attractive as I could have. But by my junior year I had learned
a little from classes in home economics and from watching how the
other girls dressed, and I began to dress more appropriately. I had also
made some new friends—enough, in fact, that a friend of mine and I
were able to create our own lunch table in the cafeteria, a safe harbor
in the midst of chaos. I was doing well in school and had gained the
respect of some of the more popular kids in my classes. When two
seniors asked me to join their YWCA club I was honored. Things
were definitely looking up.
On one particular day, I was feeling especially great. My English
teacher had complimented me in front of the entire class on a term
paper I had written. She said I was a very good writer and that I
should seriously consider it as a career. I remember feeling so proud.
I respected this teacher very much, and to have her praise me in front
of everyone gave me the kind of validation I seldom received in my
life. After school that day I was elected president of my YWCA club.
Again, this was incredible validation for me.
I sailed all the way home, buoyed up by these validations. I relived
the experience of my teacher praising me over and over in my head
and felt the warm glow of acceptance and admiration from the club
members. It was my mother’s day off and so I bounded into the apart-
ment, eager to tell her about both of my successes. I don’t remember
what she said about them—certainly she did not praise me or tell me
anything positive.
I telephoned my best friend and told her what had happened in
class and continued to feel good about myself for the rest of the after-
noon and into the evening. I don’t know how I was acting, but clearly
98 HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF

my mother didn’t like it. All I do remember is that my mother, who

was sitting on the couch drinking beer, said to me, “You really think
you’re something, don’t you?” I stopped short, not knowing what she
was talking about. “You really think you’re something because your
teacher praised you and because you’re president of your stupid club.
Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you who you really are,”
she said in a mocking tone. “You’re illegitimate. You were an
unwanted child who ruined my life.”
I stood there, shocked, not quite comprehending what she was
telling me, but feeling wounded by her words. The word illegitimate
rang in my ears. In those days, the mid-sixties, being an illegitimate
child was still very shameful. I remember feeling that I was going to
pass out as hurtful emotions passed over me like a dark cloud.
I sank to the couch as my mother proceeded to tell me, for the first
time, the truth about my father and my birth. My mother was not mar-
ried to my father when I was conceived. In fact, she was actually still
legally married to another man, even though she had deserted him. She
never told my father about me but left town as soon as she discovered
she was pregnant. In the moments that followed, my entire concept of
who I was changed. I had always felt different and less than others
because I had no father, because my mother was so much older than
other mothers, and because we were so poor. Now I had another reason
to feel inadequate: I was illegitimate. And even though I had always felt
unwanted and guilty about my existence, now it was confirmed—I was
unwanted and I had ruined my mother’s life. Needless to say, all the
good feelings I’d had about being acknowledged that day absolutely dis-
appeared. Although my mother had not physically slapped me in the
face this time, I felt slapped “down to size” nevertheless.
The juxtaposition of the events of this day had a profound effect
on me. For many years I could not experience joy or the feeling of
success without fearing that something bad was going to happen to
me—that I was going to get slapped down to size.
I vividly remember the day when I was finally able to let go of the
fear that something bad was going to happen to me every time I felt
good. It was about fifteen years ago. I was driving home from work,
feeling good about the work I had done that day with clients. I real-
ized that my life was going really well—that for the first time in a long
 R E J E C T I N G Y O U R PA R E N T S ’ N E G AT I V E R E F L E C T I O N 99

time I wasn’t weighted down by some kind of problem. Suddenly I

was seized with an overwhelming fear. I just knew that something bad
was going to happen to me. But then another feeling slowly began to
seep into my consciousness and I heard a voice inside my head say,
“No, nothing bad is going to happen. Just because you are happy right
now doesn’t mean that something bad will follow.” I continued my
ride home feeling free of the fear that would have normally gripped
me, and free to feel the contentment I was experiencing.
That was not the end of the story. For many years I continued to
battle with another version of this problem. Instead of consciously
fearing that something bad would always follow something good, I had
a tendency to do something to hurt myself whenever something won-
derful happened to me. For example, several years ago I began
rewarding myself with a massage every other week. But after having
my body taken care of and feeling so good, I noticed that I would eat
too much at night. I often “slapped myself down” in the same way my
mother slapped me down on that horrible day.
Negative parental messages like the one I received from my
mother cause us to develop certain core beliefs about life and about
ourselves, including basic assumptions about our value in the world.
Core beliefs about yourself can determine to what degree you per-
ceive yourself as worthy, competent, loved, safe, powerful, and
autonomous. The core belief I developed from experiences with my
mother was that I didn’t deserve good things. After all, echoing
my mother’s words, “Who did I think I was?” This belief colored my
perceptions of myself to such an extreme extent that whenever some-
thing good happened to me, I immediately sabotaged it in some way.

Examples of Negative Core Beliefs

Negative beliefs and negative thought patterns can continue to affect
your identity and self-concept unless you consciously work on chang-
ing them. In chapter 2 I listed the common beliefs created by the
seven types of emotionally abusive parents. Following are some other
common examples of thought patterns that people who were deprived
and/or abused have. The underlying beliefs that support these
thoughts patterns are in italics. Make a note of any of the negative
beliefs that you relate to.
100 HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF

1. I can never trust that anything good will last. It will either end
or go away. People are not trustworthy and neither is life—
both will disappoint you and let you down.
2. I have no control over my life or what happens to me. I just
have to accept whatever happens and try to make the best of
it. What I said or did never stopped my parents (or other care-
givers) from abusing me. Nothing I say or do makes a differ-
ence, so why bother?
3. I am helpless to effect changes in my life. I was a victim in my
childhood and will always be a victim.
4. I am to blame for the pain I feel and for my problems. If I had
not done things to make my parents angry or done things
wrong, I wouldn’t have been punished.
5. The only time I feel good about myself is when I am giving to
other people or helping other people. The only value I have is
what I can do for others.
6. I cannot be assertive, because then other people will not like
me. If I speak up about what I need, other people will think I
am selfish.
7. I should never tell anyone when I feel hurt, disappointed, or
angry, because I will make the other person feel hurt or angry.
I am responsible for other people’s feelings.
8. I should never talk about what goes on in my family, because I
am being disloyal. Secrets are to be kept and never talked
about—even with other family members.
9. I can’t trust my perceptions. My parents always told me that
what I thought or believed was wrong.
Core beliefs about yourself are the foundation of your self-esteem.
To a large degree, they dictate what you can and cannot do—in other
words, they form the basis of the rules you live your life by. Generally
speaking, negative core beliefs dictate what you can’t do, for example,
“I shouldn’t even bother to get that job. No one is going to want to hire
me because I’m not a good communicator.” On the other hand, posi-
 R E J E C T I N G Y O U R PA R E N T S ’ N E G AT I V E R E F L E C T I O N 101

tive core beliefs encourage you by affirming your abilities, as in, “I

know I can pass this course. I’m smart and I’m capable of learning
even difficult concepts if I put my mind to it.”
Negative parental messages also set us up to have unreasonable
expectations of ourselves and others. In my case, I desperately wanted
the approval of others (especially my mother). I came to believe that
if I was exceptionally “good,” I would finally get that approval. This led
me to have unreasonable expectations of myself in terms of how hard
I worked at being a good person and at achieving success.

Exercise: Your Core Beliefs

1. Think about the way your parents treated you as a child.
Based on this treatment, what false beliefs and unreason-
able expectations of yourself and life do you think you
developed? Completing the following sentences will help
you see clearer.
When my father __________ (“ignored me”, “criticized
me”), it led me to believe that I __________ (“am unim-
portant,” “am incompetent”).
2. Continue to complete this sentence until you have no more
responses:
When my father __________, it led me to believe that I
__________.
3. Now complete the following sentence. Once again, con-
tinue until you have no more responses.
When my mother __________ (“expected too much of
me”), it led me to __________ (“expect too much of
myself”).
4. Make a list of the beliefs you developed due to your par-
ents’ treatment of you when you were growing up, using
your answers from the sentence-completion exercise and
the preceding examples of negative beliefs.
5. Make a separate list of the unreasonable expectations you
have, based on the ways your parents treated you and your
early childhood experiences.
102 HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF

Identifying these false beliefs and unreasonable expectations is the

first step to exorcising them from your mind. If you are still uncertain
as to what your false beliefs and unreasonable expectations are, the
assignment at the end of the chapter will help.
It may seem to us that our negative beliefs and unreasonable
expectations of ourselves and about life are permanently installed in
our brains and that changing our minds about these negative beliefs is
near to impossible. But the truth is that it is possible to change even
the most negative, unhealthy, and destructive beliefs. In the next two
chapters you will be offered more exercises and activities that will help
you in this process.
Changing your core beliefs can take a great deal of time and effort,
but it is definitely worth it. By doing so you will be able to alter your
view of yourself and the world in a significant way. Earlier I wrote about
how having emotionally abusive parents is like looking at yourself in a
fun-house mirror, causing you to see yourself in a distorted way. Getting
rid of negative core beliefs about yourself is like replacing the fun-
house mirror with a nondistorting one. Instead of seeing yourself as a
tiny monster, you see yourself as normal sized and proportioned.

Psychological Truths of the Week

• Problems with low self-esteem and poor body image are often
caused by negative parental messages communicated through
emotional abuse, neglect, or smothering.
• The only real alternative to self-judgment is knowing the truth
about who you are. If you have a deep belief that you are worth-
less, you must discover where that belief came from and why
you believe it is true.

Mirror Therapy Assignment #5:

Your Self-Talk Diary
This week begin to keep a self-talk diary or journal in which you
record your self-statements or inner monologue whenever you