Professional Documents
Culture Documents
by Richard Nathan
The spotlight is up on GUS while the set for the next story is prepared. The one takes place in a
tawdry little hotel room in a big city. The only major piece of furniture required is a rumbled
bed.
GUS
(Gus exits and the spotlight goes out. The lights come up on the hotel room. Enter LAMIA
followed by the man she has just picked up in a bar, HERMAN. Lamia is very sensual, in a
deranged sort of way. Herman is a nerd)
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
Don’t lie to me. Would you like a drink?
HERMAN
ahead.
LAMIA
I go to bars.
(Lamia sits on the edge of the bed and makes eyes at Herman)
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
to.
HERMAN
LAMIA
It’s from a poem by John Keats. Lamia took
serpent.
(As Lamia quotes from the poem, she slithers over to Herman)
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
You’re innocent, Herman. Most women don’t like that, but I’m very attracted to innocence. I like
to corrupt it.
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
What’s that?
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
Stop!
HERMAN
If you decided you didn’t like me, you could have just said so. You didn’t have to make fun of
me.
LAMIA
I’m not making fun. I really am a vampire. I survive by drinking human blood. Really.
HERMAN
LAMIA
Don’t go until you hear what I have to say. It won’t take long. Will you trust me?
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
(She goes over to the bed and picks up her purse. She opens it, and takes out a small mirror,
which she hands to Herman)
LAMIA
Look in this mirror. Try to find my reflection. You won’t be able to, because vampires don’t cast
reflections.
(Herman looks in the mirror and tries to find Lamia’s reflection. It isn’t there)
HERMAN
LAMIA
It’s very simple. First you let a vampire drink your blood for three nights in a row. On the third
night, you die. Then the next night you come back as a vampire, and you never cast a reflection
ever again.
HERMAN
LAMIA
What’s more, you become incredibly sensual. The opposite sex won’t be able to resist you.
Think of it Herman. You can attract any woman you choose.
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
More intimate. More personal. Why don’t you let me show you?
(She takes his face in her hands and looks into his eyes.)
HERMAN
LAMIA
HERMAN
LAMIA
You don’t have to. You won’t die unless you decide to spend three nights with me. You can let
me drink your blood tonight, and if you don’t like it, you don’t ever have to come back. It’s your
choice.
HERMAN
I don’t have a choice. I’ve never had any woman interested in me before.
LAMIA
(She leads him over to her bed and makes him lie down)
HERMAN
Will it hurt?
LAMIA
Exquisitely.
(She bites him in the neck. As she sucks his blood, Gus the Ghoul enters. As he speaks, the lights
go down on Herman and Lamia, leaving Gus alone in a spotlight)
GUS
Poor Herman. He’s really dying to get a woman interested in him. When he came to Lamia’s
room, he had no idea of the kind of necking he was in for. But Lamia didn’t lie to him. In fact,
she was extremely toothful. He didn’t die that night. But he couldn’t help coming back the next
night. Let’s see if he can stay away the third night.
(The spotlight goes out as Gus exits. The lights come up to reveal Lamia alone in her hotel room.
She paces, wondering where Herman is. Then, after a moment, Herman comes in- but he’s
changed. He’s lost the nerdiness, and replaced it with a confidence that’s very attractive)
LAMIA
HERMAN
Sorry. I was attempting to write my will. But I couldn’t think of anyone I wanted to leave
anything to.
LAMIA
I thought maybe you’d decided not to come.
HERMAN
I considered it, briefly. But I thought about you, waiting for me, and I didn’t want to disappoint
you.
LAMIA
HERMAN
No. Not just you. If it were only you, I might have been able to stay away. But I thought of all
the other women who are going to let me hold them in my arms. All the women who will want
me.
LAMIA
I warn you, Herman. This is your last chance. I’ll kill you if you stay with me tonight.
HERMAN
I know.
LAMIA
HERMAN
With all the nights like this before me, how could I possibly miss the sun?
LAMIA
HERMAN
Miss me?
LAMIA
I’m moving out tonight, as soon as you’re dead. It’s best not to stay in one place too long. But
you won’t want to see me anyway. When you wake up transformed, your thirst for warm blood
will be overpowering.
HERMAN
LAMIA
No trouble at all. But you know that already, don’t you. You know you’re becoming more
attractive. Women smile at you now, don’t they? You can leave now, live, and those women will
still find you attractive.
HERMAN
They aren’t enough. I want all women to find me attractive. I wish I’d become a vampire years
ago!
LAMIA
(She sits on the edge of the bed and holds out her arms to him. Herman goes to her and she bites
his neck. The lights fade out, and a spotlight picks up Gus the Ghoul)
GUS
And so Herman died. But that’s not the end of our story.
VOICE (off-stage)
Open up!
GUS
VOICE (off-stage)
(Gus exits and the lights come up on the hotel room. Herman lies dead on the bed, his throat a
bloody mess. Three VAMPIRE-HUNTERS break into the room. One of them carries a black
satchel)
FIRST VAMPIRE-HUNTER
(The Third Vampire-Hunter opens the satchel and takes out a wooden stake and a hammer)
SECOND VAMPIRE-HUNTER
FIRST VAMPIRE-HUNTER
THIRD VAMPIRE-HUNTER
FIRST VAMPIRE-HUNTER
He’ll grow them tonight, unless we drive that stake through his heart.
THIRD VAMPIRE-HUNTER.
FIRST VAMPIRE-HUNTER
You’re saving him from becoming a monster! Believe me, if he could talk, he’d thank you.
(The Third Vampire-Hunter places the stake over Herman’s heart and prepares to drive it in. The
lights go out, and in the darkness we hear the HAMMERING. A spotlight comes up on Gus the
Ghoul)
GUS
Oh dear. It looks like Herman’s going to die of a broken heart. But he should have known that
you’re playing for heavy stakes when you love a vampire. That’s because vampires love in vein!
THE END