at the age of 16 i was pregnant

and incarcerated langate means prison

capitalimed section was my home

not for one two but three and a half

years

and i'm here to tell the story

[Music]

in the year 2005 i started my kcp

and i passed well with 406 out of the

possible 500 marks

so my parents wanted me to join karema

girls which was near my home area

but at the back of my mind i felt like

no i should not have joined that one

i should be in a better school or which

i had admissions for all the schools

behind the girls

karema and nevasha girls but my dad

being the teacher that he was could not

could hear none of it

so we disagreed a little bit but he told

me to go kakarot girls

under one condition he is going to

transform me

if i give him the best performance and i

did

after the possible back then 132 points

the least i ever took home was a 129

which was a straight a first time

second time and that time dad is not

acting he's actually

comfortable what i'm taking home so he

felt like

if i can get that so there was no

problem for him

but deep down my heart i still remember

this promise

that he's going to take care of me to a

better school the school of my choice

so i never settled in school i was still

waiting for his action

come secret time things took a drastic

change

here i am an under an adolescent

trying to find identity i still arrive

on my parents promise

and also want to have my voice heard

so at first time i just became this i

just became this bad girl in school

i could not hear my teachers fighting

and that earned me a fast suspension

and a second one that was in first term

in second term i had my third suspension

and the fourth one

i was given an expulsion so when i got

back home

my mom was so mad with me in the process

i also ran away from home and i went to

enjoy it my sister was living in amber

back then

and being my elder sister

she could just not stomach me anyway

so trying to bring me back home it

didn't work

i just ran away from home

went and started roaming about in the

streets of ember town

and that's where i met a certain guy

he just saw me in the streets he was a

colleague to my sister

and i started at a certain banking

emblem

and uh he he just looked at me and then

[ __ ] was what are you doing here i gave

him my story and

i don't know whether he sympathized with

me or empathized with me

but he took me in something that i

really needed so badly

i needed shelter i needed food i needed

something

to just make life a little bit bearable

and he offered that and that is how he

got married

i got into his house he gave me a change

of clothes

he provided food and in the process he

started sleeping with me

at a tender age i didn't know anything

about contraceptives or any way that i

could have prevented myself

and i go and i was pregnant with no time

my sister moved from ambu to nairobi and

left us in

ambu so this guy he started

abusing me physically he would just

come home drunk he would beat me up

but i had nowhere to go i could not go

back home

because now this time around i'm heavily

praying i'm pregnant

so how do i even start explaining to my

parents like i run away from home but

here i am pregnant to me okay it was

a very a difficult life for me i did not

know how to go about it

so i opted to stay with that guy when i

was about eight months pregnant the guy

who

had a transfer and was moved to nairobi

and we moved together

so uh at this particular day

he was invited for a birthday party by

his brother

his nephew was having a birthday and

they converged

as a family and back home

i was so unwell so we kept in

communication

i would tell him i'm not so well and he

would promise me he's coming back home

so after i turned midday he sent me some

cash

and he requested for the theme i refined

and is sent him back by

m-pesa uh in the evening

we communicated and just kept promising

i'm coming to take you to the hospital

i'm coming to take you to the hospital

he came back home he was so drunk he

demanded for

food i did not have food

i had not cooked i'd not even have the

strength even to make the food the

supper that he was demanding for

so he had a confrontation and one thing

led to another end

it became just bad messy

i will first of all receive the first

stub which is around here

and some

around two of them on my left side

in my defense i took the very same knife

and stabbed him

back unfortunately

he bled so much since he was drunk and

at this time i was calling out our

neighbors to come and help me

and the caretaker of the plot that i was

living in

came just to the mess that we'd created

in the house and rent called the sister

and the sister came she just looked at

us

i was i was bleeding he's bleeding

so the first thing the sisters did were

they took

the guy to the hospital and now

at that time i remember the bodies had

been informed and there was a patrol

vehicle that was around

i was picked by the police from buruburu

police station and they are the ones who

took me to makanara

so i went out i was given first aid i

was stitched and then i was taken back

to the cells

it was so unfortunate really unfortunate

that

after two days of the incident the guy

lost his life

and i was charged with his mother

it pains me to know that

he lost his life in my arms

it breaks my heart every time i look at

my son today

looked at look at him and i know

he will never have that chance to meet

his biological dad

it is hurting it is painful but

i had to collect myself and just face

what was now ahead of me

so after 11 days at the police station i

was taken to court

i i was first i was charged with mother

and i pleaded not guilty

since i was underage and i was heavily

pregnant by that time so i could not

have been taken to a juvenile

prison so they opted to take me to a

long women's prison

after a while i stayed for about 22

weeks

on the third week i delivered my baby

boy

i stayed with him there for around 13

months

and it is a difficult life being in

prison and also having a young one

you do not have the necessity you do not

have so you miss out on so much

from feeding to social life to social

development of the child or even to

yourself because like for myself when i

go to langata

stations that the station that i got

there forced me to mature up

i had to know to act the adult that i

was not

i don't have even the proper diet my son

was not breastfeeding well

i had no milk breast milk was

so minimal the production was so minimal

due to poor diet

and even a place that you are put in oh

my god

it was just too dangerous i realized now

but god kept us safe the room we were

isolated from other prayer our other

reminders and other

prisoners so that actually took for

about three months

we could have a time we and our children

but so it was so unfortunate that where

we were

just the next door the next room were tb

patients

so we can get the irony of the next room

with our newborn babies

and the next room are tb patients so

but i thank god not even a single baby

ever suffered

you couldn't imagine the life we

experience and vision for our children

and seeing your child starting on such

it breaks a parent's heart

it broke my heart i didn't personally i

did not know how i'm going

i'm not how was i even to bring up the

baby

being the last one he had not seen i did

not have an experience

how babies are taken care of but through

god's grace

we made it so when my son was around 13

months

something came up in the presence and

our other punishment

that you are the going from the

authorities was

the canteen was shut down so that meant

that

i could not access supplementary

supplementary foods for my son i could

not get even a packet of milk for him

i could not have i couldn't get anything

to supplement the budget that

prison offered so i just called my mom

through the office of the

welfare and she came and picked my son

and went back home so i was left all

alone in the prison

to handle it all when you got into

prison the first days you are just in

denial

you do you are trained so much you are

just struggling with the motives

what if i let him be what if i run away

so you're so much in denial then it hits

your head

there is nothing that you could have

done however

due to the open policy that the kenya

prisons have offered

there are several foundations that get

into there and i was lucky to get a

counselor

who i talked to and helped me

to somehow accept the station actually

when i got into prison i did not even

know the magnitude of what i was facing

i did not understand i have been charged

with murder how now i know i could not

even get it

but once i got there i got some legal

experts there

and they broke down to me what i was

really about to face

and it just shattered my heart to know

that i did something was just

staring at me any time

being in demand is so hard

because you do not know you are in this

place that retire between

a rock and a hard place and especially

being a capital remanding

knowing very well what is staring at you

is

a death sentence life imprisonment

and uh it's times that you didn't go

crazy and they give you like 40 years

so being that it was and a mixed

reaction that you'd face because it was

not it is not easy living with

uncertainties

you don't know how your tomorrow is

going to be you know it's even better

for those who are convicted already

because they know that even

after that years after that year they'll

go home if god gives you the grace to

survive

but here you are you don't know even the

judge how he's going to tell you

at times you you're inexperienced you go

to court you just listen to the

witnesses how they say it

and you feel like oh god things are just

not so good with me

it was a difficult moment bearing in

mind that you don't know what is

the outcome is just so hidden a capital

remanding

is someone who i think in canada it's

someone who is punishable by death that

is either

murder kisses robbery with violence that

is what they used to call structure

all some others committed treason those

are the people who are punishable by

death in kenya

so we were put separate so you can

imagine that the place we were

we were considered the hardcores the

more you are more of criminals than the

other criminals

because yeah we are it's either a mother

or a robber the others either

any other case they put any other case

apart from the two

they're considered as the ordinaries for

one capital remedies are not allowed to

to mix with the ordinary amount is

unless on special occasions such as

maybe you are attending the church you

are going to the shop

or there is something okay there is any

other function

there within the prisons that is taking

place that's the only time that you're

allowed to mix

and uh even on our own mata's guard

capitol reminders used to be guarded

highly other than the others for

instance when you go to the hospital

other reminders would get maybe just an

address

or even two but for a capital remanded

to be taken to the hospital you had to

be escorted by

one for one you had to be escorted by

not just by the juniors but they had to

be someone of a higher rank from the

corporal

upwards they had to escort you and this

warden must be armed

with a gun so you can imagine the

intensity

of a capital remand is then we have

different uniforms from the rest

it portrayed doom something so

boring something which is not so good

at since it was it was a chance it was

so

bad to hear people you know having

people that i once knew

because the most of the people who

testified against me

were relatives to the deceased it's not

a good

scene to have people that you once knew

once shared a meal with

now that they are talking so bad again

is to
giving incriminating evidence against

you

it was it was not outside to behold

uh luckily it went there it was not and

mother kids stayed quite long in kenya

uh first of all they give time for those

witnesses i was made to understand

that attempts they delay because

they are they delay them in a way to

give

time for the believed family and they

are also the witnesses to

to have this time to cool down not to

come without the tempers and

everything so they tactically delay them

so once the case begins it takes also

quite some time because we all might get

a single kids having more than 10

witnesses

like in my own case i think my kids had

12 fitnesses

and they had to testify and you know a

witness can even go for

like two three hours because they have

to be cross-examined by your defense

lawyer

by the prosecuting council so it was

just a rigorous

uh time and i remember at a specific

time i suffered a big blow

when the judge was handling my case got

a promotion to the court of appeal and

that will meant that he had to create

him to come and listen to our cases

and they thank god for him because he

took he took it upon himself

the cases that had not had not advanced

he shared them

among the high court other high court

judges but the cases that

were quite advanced he still had their

files and

he would create him and come to listen

to us the people who came to testify

against me

they really don't had i had over

information

they would just come and tell us that i

was told

this is what happened and i was called

and others would say like we spent the

day with him they kept in communication

and i would say that that saved me a

great deal

the fact that we were in communication

with him throughout the day

not even a single time did we argue with

him

not even a single moment did we threaten

each other

that thing saved me a great deal because

it improved beard reasonable doubt that

i had no mainstream

the menstrualis is i don't know

premeditated i

had not premeditated this mother i had

not even a single moment

thought that i was going to hurt him it

was never brought out in court

and that is what saved me that is what

actually

the judge used to set me free that

whatever they said

our communication through that they

proved that i had no

anything i had no i had nothing against

him

we communicated i was sent money i sent

back it i

sent him back the money when he

requested

you see that by itself proved that i had

no this premeditation

to hurt him so it felt bad

when this would come and he's the one

who killed him you know

it would it would tear me down because

at the end of the day i was also in the

valley of losing my life too

and that of my own my unborn baby but i

had no that chance i had not

been given the chance to tell my own

story my own account of the story

so i just had everything things you know

it's not easy people were just coming

they are talking so bad about you

pointing fingers at you and of course i

understand their pain

they were bitter they had lost their

loved one so i feel them i understand

them i understand their heart

but at the end of the day you also had

to feel like oh you had

i had to fight back i had to tell them

this is not really what happened i had

to create my own i had to bring out

the actual picture of what happened you

know

when you are put in such a station and

your freedom is definitely taken away

from you

you know you're just there so personally

i was so bitter with

everything i was better even with my own

life

because here i am i ran away from home

because i felt like what i wanted i had

not been given

i had not been given that chance to talk

and just be hard

to talk so i was just bitter with my

parents back home

i was bitter with my siblings because

they're not even helping me help they

are not helpful

in making my parents understand what i

really want

i'm also bitter with this guy because

how would he just

take me in yeah turn me into a wife that

i was not even ready

for i was you see those are the things

that really

they accumulated bitterness so at times

i felt like i had this added to revenge

to get back and just do something weird

to them

anybody that cost me pain back then but

you know those are the these are the

initial days that you have

you're still there the pain is so fresh

the reality is now sinking

in that you know you hear you kill the

person

and this was just there there's no one

who's you have no other chance to tell

them
what really happened so you feel that

that anger but luckily enough

i was able to get a counsellor we were

taught how to step

out of denial into reality

into the into sanity you are now

equipped on how you are going to handle

your current situation

i think that is the thing that changed

my life

and changed the decisions that i had

made earlier as i remind you have no

specific duties

you are you just wake up take a bite if

you're willing

and just change your clothes if you have

an extra one

just eat and that is it you are not even

allowed to wash the dishes

those moro things that you are using you

are you are eating from we could not

even wash

so it is we just take them we just eat

take them back to the ordinary madness

they would wash and then the convicted

prisoners would come for them

and goose have the food we were allowed

to have our

relatives visitors at different times

and about how okay you just speak

um in between you couldn't sit down and

talk one-on-one

you those are the visiting way there was

a mirror

at first there were a wire mesh so thick

that you could not even see who the

person you're talking to

but they brought in a mirror and a pain

that is where they would just go talk it

had small holes

just to allow the voice to pass but

there was nothing much that you could do

about that so

they would just by their their relatives

or

the people your friends they would come

bring you they would

bring you like the sanitary towels the

toiletries that you need

if you have a baby they would bring

something for they will be though not

edible they would bring out the day pass

clothes those are the things that they

would bring for you back then you would

be given a duration of one to

five minutes you're at most if you're

lucky enough

there are no people if there are no

people you're given a maximum of 10

minutes to talk

you know for me i think i was somehow

naive because

i need to keep my time to give my

defense

i really cried in that court to an

extent the judge would tell the

the prosecuting council hold on

let her gina let her really let her

just balance herself and she can talk

so i give my own account and uh

the day it was it was tough

because you have to begin from where it

all started

to the time now that it made him lose

his life

so i was put on my after the defense now

it is the judgment

now this is where you just like you

can't even eat you can't do anything

the saucepans yeah the illusions

i give i think even that time can even

hallucinate

because this is the final stage of your

case this is the determining factor

this is where they're going to determine

how the next stage or the next step

you're going to take

so i remember the first time i went

there and i felt like

okay i had nothing i had not even

prepared in any way

i went there and the judge told me that

he has not

it was not true compelling the judgment

and

i was taken back for further 14 days and

i remember when going now for the

judgment of the second time

call it faith that mom

that morning i woke up i was just

bubbling

everything i had in that cell

i shared it among my cell mates i gave

everything out

the territories that i had the sleepers

everything that would have been called

by me by my name

and that is how i went in court um with

nothing else but

faith and my god honored that faith

i was set free at around 10 a.m

9th of november 2011

i was free again so

it was like i felt like he had been born

again

regaining my freedom was oh my god i

don't even know how to put it because

it was part it was the beginning of

another

chance when i walked into the courtroom

i could not even hold myself i removed

even the shoes

so that i can just suppo i could not

even hold myself i was so anxious i

don't even know what the judge is going

to tell me

so he just looked at the courtroom

greeted us and

he told us he told me that he's not

going to read through my judgment all of

it and

he perished so many pitches and started

now reading the judgment

i didn't most of it was just it just

passed i could not even hear much of it

i just waited for his final words

but all i remember is that he looked at

me and asked me

how old is your son i told him he's

three years now

and he told me he just did casually and

he therefore put you at liberty

and a liam to toaco wow

the next thing i remember was just

screaming

dad do not leave me here my dad was in

the courtroom

so i think all the other words or

anything that took place at that moment

i don't even remember i just

cried so hard i really cried so hard no

it was not the beginning of another

chapter

but at that moment i did not figure out

it out how it was going to be

but i just felt reborn

the fact that i was just not going to

sleep

in those cells i'll not have to wake up

in the morning

for the head count that that by itself

was

just another chance a good given chance

and i prayed to god to help me utilize

it i may had lost those ears

but i prayed good and just asked to go

to help me recapture them in one way or

another

there was this lady who works for

faradjah foundation

she's christine audero she was she was

in the resource centers

she was manning the resource center as

well as the library so she's on with

this class of celebrate recovery africa

we boarded so well from my initial days

i remember i would go and i don't know

whether she spotted someone bright

or what it was but no she coached me

into no

teaching after i was with my classes and

she evoluted me and she felt like had

healed

now she coached me that in her absence i

would take i would take over the classes

and teach

the rest of the remandes and i know it

helped people and especially in

forgiving

ourselves and letting go the bitterness

that is one thing i can celebrate and

just say

christina so she has journeyed with me

in everything i did because even after i

left prison she never let me go

she has been someone who's so supportive

someone that i i do

call up to date when i'm in need of good

counsel

she's my prayer partner too and

joining with her from the days of my

teens

until now that you're grown up mothers

it really it is really a person that i

hold so close to my heart

i owe my healing process to her i owe my

changing
my change of perception about life in

prison to her

through faradjah foundation leaving mili

money low courts

i think that that's the building that

ever walked so fast away from

and dipped in my head i was even

promising myself be treated walk faster

just be faster

because i did not want those people to

change their mind and just bring me back

there

so we just left there in company of my

some of my relatives

my dad was there my mom could not make

it

she was unwell back home and she was

also with my son

i remember getting out back coming to

town

nairobi it had changed i felt like oh

you see hey that

you can just get your body just let it

free

that is how i felt no i'm here in the

wild yeah

i'm walking i'm cruising the streets and

i remember

i think i was walking so fast because at

an instance i remember i fell down in

town

i don't know whether i was looking so

fast or the excitement of

i was just lost in my own world small

world

i was getting back home so that

receiving calls from all over my

relatives oh she has been freed

they couldn't believe so they were like

why is she aqua happy

and i would speak over the phone you

know also that excitement of

talking over the phone without looking

left right and center and who is

watching you

so it is it feels so good getting back

home enjoying the daily classes

yeah looking forward now to like

at that day i was just i think that is

an example of a day that i can say

i lived that day at that time i never be

i never even thought of

the day after i just lived that very

same day that i'm free now

i have put my freedom that i lived that

particular moment for some time

enjoying the freedom before i could now

sit down like

no i'm free what else and

people knew that i would get home aboard

these two lag i just to get home about 4

p.m

so people from all over they wanted to

come

and see for themselves because like

what they expected i don't know i don't

know really

what they had in mind of an experience

or someone who had been in prison

they really wanted to see this underfed

malnutrition

person they were looking forward to

seeing this person with

only somebody who was just looking bad

but when i got home who and them i did

not see the person that they wanted did

not see really the person

the picture the head of me in mind

that's not what they got so i just went

there i did not even have time to greet

them all there were so many

so i just went and just went straight

home

some are good enough they followed me

home they just came and said hi

and of course those jobs that you'd hear

the cassatt and mama just came into the

she was afraid to my mom

and just came and told us that hey

uh you know like if you may put it

end quote

that is they thought they would give me

things like stinging net you know and

stinging it was generally nutritious and

it helps somebody to gain really fast so

they thought that it's going they would

feed me first

one to them i did not need it some of my

cousins would come and say kai

you know we expected you would come and

help her you would

come and just help auntie to cook for

you you're even the one who's going to

cook for us because actually i looked

better than they were

so that shock on their faces was like

really you know it started running on

them was she was she really imprisoned

what was it so let's you know i was not

put on a balance

let's see how she was going to pick up

her life

and that no that when i got home that is

no the reality hit me

so no i'm no longer the 16 year old

that i got into prison here i am

almost 20 i get home i know the reality

hits me like
these people already struggling

i had retrained like my dad

was a p1 teacher he was already retired

when i was in closet

so there was no income my mom was forced

to close down her shop

because of the issues that really you

are an emitting from the society

the the words the people used to speak

just to her face

they were so hurtful and she couldn't

take it anymore

so she just had to close down the shop

and just get back home to farming

so and paying that legal fee for those

three years

it must have cost them an arm and a leg

because things at home are totally

different this is where you hear them

say well girl if it was really quite

about

really different because i could observe

and i would sing

and i had this desire to go back to

school

and i would think like that dream was it

would it would not have been realized if

i read

really on my parents so my dad

they read on a few friends he would call

them whom he knew that there were

teachers he would call them

and ask them like can my daughter get

avacados and some of them were so

good good and blatantly honest and they

would tell him

no because of her past she cannot get

admission into our school

i know the principal will not allow her

i was rejected in a few

in several schools and until

one father whom my mom called

and he agreed to talk to a certain

principle

he shared my story the principle my mom

was also called to the school

she shared her own experience and gave

my

own account as a parent and she

explained to her why i was not in school

for four years

and i missed everything she was gracious

enough

that gave me an admission in her school

she

believed in me somehow and felt like

i should she i don't know just

miraculously

she gave me a chance and

that is where i was now i actually in my

village i never faced a stigma but in

school

that is where i got the tutor bullying

and the stigma that comes by when you're

trying to reintegrate yourself back to

the community

i think serving a sentence for those who

are convicted is one different thing

uh being in remand and now having a kiss

heard is another different thing

reintegrating yourself back to the

society i think

it's even difficult than serving the

sentence because here

back here in the society you're trying

so hard

striving to prove to the society that

you're a changed person

you know this very same person that went

to the prison you are reformed

uh you're also carrying the burden like

you know

they're not they even label you like

they

don't even tell you you know when they

referring to they associate with prison

ceremony

you know that is how the society view

you and

you are a suspect in everything yeah

you you've come back you're you're

already you've come back to the society

you have nowhere to begin with

for the guys around you they really

they are there waiting to take advantage

of you

because they they feel that you've come

back in desperation

the guys around there they are they are

waiting for a very slight chance to pray

on you

this is the family i change the family

is not so welcoming

but i was lucky my family supported me

through all through

i changed some of these families they

are not welcoming

the society does not even want to see

you

you will even hear some parents just

learning those persons that

do not get yourself close to this lady

his bad influence

so there is that stigma that and it is a

bad one

the church where you're supposed to go

and seek solely

some churches cannot accommodate you

because of your past it is

now that is where the reality starts

hitting you where do you begin

where do you start by because for one

when you live in prison you do not have

even a single cent

to begin your life with you have

absolutely

nothing nothing they do not even have

that fear

to take them back to the village where

they come from

they do not have food you say those are

the basic things that

they lack there is absolutely there is a

disconnect

and reintegration in our society i wish

somebody or even our government could

just step in

or even these ngos that they could just

come up

with a half home that when we the

ex-convicts just leave that place

if i tell your family is not supportive

enough it's not willing to accommodate

you back

they can give you a place that they can

give even if it's just for a month

a place that you can just go and

strategize your life

people have been resisting just as they

are going back home stranded in towns

or even you want to seek help from a

passerby

in town help me

that person thinks that you are a con

and you're taken to the

they call police for you and you're

taken back to the prison

so actually there was a policy i wish we

can do something

to bridge that gap i use well wishes

people of good will

people want to get rid of this because i

believe most of the people

like 90 percent of the persons who live

prisons

they leave that place changed personally

i have suffered the blue

i was working for someone in a certain

school

and i got the i just felt like

i should open up about my past that i

trust i can be given a chance

to mentor these children that were there

the students and that is how i lost my

job after just opening up

and telling them my past that is so

those are the things that we face as

ex-convicts

so when i when i joined uh when i was

given an admission

i joined in canberra girls in 2012

immediately after my release i think i

stayed home

just for two months and i now i went

back to school and i got

back there in form too so

when i got there something weird used to

happen

i would pass by and the students would

just look at me

so at the back of my mind i used to ask

myself am i really too big

or what is this that i'm really oh okay

what is this that i have that is

crossing the fires until the saturday

that followed and uh

after i washed my clothes i certainly it

was just then i asked her

really what happened the other day

passed by your class and everybody was

looking at me what is wrong

she told me ah the principal does that

told us

so much about you so when people you

came and you told us who you are

and for your former school we just knew

you are the one

so the premier's photo does that you

have a baby at home

you are from prison so you can imagine

how crushed i was i lost i

it was really really really bad

i felt bad really how

do i do you even get the guts to tell

students like these are things

and me i was already past that so could

imagine that now the task that was ahead

of me

dealing with these things a multitude

against one

so yeah i am i i remember like for

instance that was the time i went home i

was not feeling well

and coming back to school i met all my

books have been torn

and my luck on top of it was written

non-violence and of course i was not

averaging

i was a mother but it is still hard

like where do you even get the courage

to tell someone like that

at times i would just go to sleep and

especially when i joined the school

leadership

as a captain i would just get back to

go to the dormitory i've gone to sleep

and my bed it's so wet

somebody just went there poured water in

my bed and just made it so well at

streams i would just go get

things nato in my in my

clothes it was okay those students they

really trusted me to their best

of their knowledge they did something

everything to

provoke me but i had two friends in that

school

my class teacher mr juguna and the then

deputy principal madam moy

she was more she was more of a mother to

me than of a teacher should just

encourage me and tell me one thing

[ __ ] just perform

be a go perform perform give them good

grades and shut their mouths

and i thank god because even after

spending four years

out from school and even after spending

three or three

or three and a half years in prison

god gave me the grace and i used to

perform well i think the

least greedy ever took home was a b

minus

and i remember even my going back to

school it was not so easy

as i had said earlier the financial

constraint and my family

could not have taken me back to school

so i went to the drawing board

i called my christian and like christine

may i want to go back to school

i have no school fees and i don't think

she told me come to our office i went to

south being the offices

i feel that i requested for a

scholarship and wow

they awarded me a full scholarship

back to school that is i owe

who i am my education and my success

today

to raja foundation they believed in me

and i am sure i give them the best

when uh the bullying became so much for

me

i left in your camp before there for my

own interest

i left the school and then rodza as a

private candidate

and i wrote secondary that i did my kcsc

and well to me that

i tried i really tried

scoring a beam as a private student

a mother and struggling their life here

outside
i think i gave it my best shot and

i got an admission to kenyatta

university i'm doing my

bachelor of education and i'm almost

done

and i thank god because there are dreams

that i had

they have taken time to be realized but

at the end of the day

i'm happy with the progress that i'm

making with my own life

i believe most of these problems that we

are experiencing right now they are

they are coming from right from our

families

they are the place that we see so many

failures are coming from there

as a family set up i think it's the high

time that you took family

seriously let's not leave parenting

parents we as parents our children are

not interested in the presence that we

are going to give them

but they are interested with our

presence being there for them

hearing them out yeah stop just

dedicating those duties to someone else

these are children for crying out loud

this person if this child succeeds in

life

it is your success as a parent if this

child

fails in life it is a shame as a parent

when i was incarcerated my mom

took my son at a given time my mom fell

ill and my sister my elder sister took

in my son together with her husband

i i don't know even how i can repay them

they treated my son as one of their own

i look at those photos of their daughter

and my son during

clothes matching clothes they took my

son to a good nursery school

they bought every they treated him so

nicely just like their own as a matter

of fact

my son up to date calls my sister mom

though

back then he would call my sister mom

and refer me to as mama nairobi

it was too hard but he had no choice he

had not known really what

had really happened so my sister

thank you so much pauline god bless you

as for priscilla

no words can really really really match

the gratitude that i

owe you i know at a given time i

re-embarrassed you
to your colleagues i know i made you

suffer psychologically

i know it affected even in your in your

career path

but thank you for standing with me

thank you for helping my parents our

parents

weva the league of fame thank you so

much

the many trips that you made to langatai

means prison god bless you

my brother oh my goodness i don't know

how to say about you you're my passion

in everything thank you for the shoulder

that you led that to me not even a

single team are you instructed by mom or

dad to come and just

know what i was going through and you

failed to

thank you for the many times i do not i

remember at a given time when i gave

birth to my son you know we were not

allowed to have food

from outside and my brother would make

it

very early in the morning by six he was

at kenyatta

i don't know how he used to make it with

him was a dumbos and some food

just to have to let me just have that

taste of home food

and he would just complace it another

tip was there

and yes i would know it's mine but he

had to just come afraid that

he was talking to the patient in the

next bed

for the for my own benefit thank you so

much

you suck you've sacrificed a lot and

also when i was getting back to school

my brother bought me my shoes my school

shoes

his own also yeah all of them have done

so much

and when i got back to school my parents

never got tired of me

they provided everything that i needed

and they also

played part in the well-being of my son

it is so sad really sad that mom

they cannot hear me at this particular

point

they keep resting in peace

but i'm so proud of them

they give me a second chance

i wish they just lived long enough

to enjoy the success because i know the

best is yet to come

i know the many things that mom

you had to bear so much

as me your last one just taking you back

to those deeper days

the stories are here of you carrying my

son to school

you doing so much for him

the love that dad showed my son was just

unimaginable he treats

him as his own

the things that he has he set aside for

my son

their conversations at a given time i

even had to

intervene that my dad was just there

talking with my son

and he was like when you get to a

certain age

i'll take you to a boarding school i'll

make your life better

just work hard through everything and

then i had to ask my dad

dad i'm the mother of this boy

why are you like put sidelining me and

everything

then he's like no he is my last born

i know up to date my son

everything that he does at times he does

not even look

how much i admire him do things

the things that he do i know that he

always benchmarks them

with what my dad expects of him

he bases his success or anything that he

wants with

what my dad taught him they've been with

dad

yeah you know those things my dad

instilled them

those the male instincts in my son

i remember that there are times my son

could not go to bed without a torch and

i would really ask him

what is the torch for and he would tell

me uka said

a real man does not sleep without a

torch anything can come up at night

then when he whenever he is walking

would see him just walking and holding

stick in like what the stick for waka

said a real man was something in the

hand

he might encounter something along the

way

it's like he has those things he has

been taught how to be a man by the

grandfather

that's how close they are oh my goodness

it's just i
know even if i say thank you to my

parents it may never be enough it may

feel

somehow as an understatement

but just know that i love them

so much and i'm grateful to them

the woman i am today it's because of

them

the person i am today is because of them

they never got tired of me like

those many days my dad would come to la

ngata

my mom another strong woman

a prayer warrior i remember

my mom has held us so close to her heart

that even our final days my mom would

really pray for

us i remember even when that time that

she could not even really talk well you

just

tell her god is good and she would

answer all the time

in a very faint voice so i know wherever

she is she's resting with the angels

she was a prayer warrior that stitched

the whole family together

from the whole experience ten dollars

ten years down the line

i've learned not to act in the heat of

the moment

i take time before i react

i hate to just get into a confrontation

and just

react to it i take my time

i ask myself is it really worth it

so and i learned to let go

i understand that the more you humble

your your bitterness

the more you how about those grudges the

more all those ill feelings within you

you destroy yourself you destroy your

inner feeling

you lose taste in so many things your

heart becomes better and you seek

revenge

but at times you just let them you just

let things go

let them just be you at times someone

appears as a fool

but the moment that you forgive someone

you actually

you release so much and you feel that

the person who really needed that

forgiveness

actually it's not even the other person

it is you

who has forgiven your heart is at peace

with so many things and no

when you are at peace with yourself in

the first place

you'll be able to go to live with others

peacefully

again i've learned to i've learned

uh to accept stations as they come by

it's not so it's not everything that is

worth fighting for

then again there's those times i've

learned to accept our appreciate

those very little things life can offer

you know

somebody today might look us at just

something like a piece of tissue

you know to many of us it may not have

that

meaningful effect in our lives but you

never know what you are

you never know what you've got it you

miss it the other stems that you would

just sit down and just realize i have

got no tissue

the person who can give that is also has

no

has nothing to offer and even if she has

she'll just give you so little because

she does not know where she's going to

get the next supply

so learn to appreciate those very small

minute things life of us

as well wait for the bigger ones the

smaller ones that come your way

appreciate them again

run away from trouble watch out could

you be lucky for that eater police

my friend wants those police come for

you that's the only thing that you

really

sell once you become a guest of state

it is not as easy as stepping out of

that there is a procedure

and a long one getting into it there

it's just

better snap but getting to clear your

name and getting out of it

it's just another thing and a hard one

then again do not be judgmental

there are those people who just think

about prisoners and they feel there are

people over less or they are less humans

that they are the fact that the only

difference between you

and that person is that he or she is

inside you are out

do you know that a prison is like a

hospital

anyone is a candidate no matter the

degrees that you have

you might end yours you might end up in

a police station
and end up in prison minor offenses like

you just walk into somewhere you're

driving

you hit a motorist and then you are

my car oh my god i've hit my car i don't

know blah blah blah

you become vulgar because your car has

been hit and you are charged in court

for disturbing the peace of the public

you end up in prison

what for attempts to just things that

end your

like the big idea routes you see people

fighting

you go separate them and ironically one

of them is heart and

runs the police station my friend you

can easily

very easily feed yourself in that mix

and justify yourself behind bars

so those are just this very simple

things that we assume

when you're here it and feel like we are

we are better than them

we are holier than them then let's stop

this bashing with the prisoners when

sincere

when you see someone whose case is

really trading especially on social

media

i add my dear netizens as much as you're

using these platforms

stop accusing people stop doing those

hurtful things

and before you tap that comment that

you're leaving behind

before you said something so evil about

that lady about that

gentleman ask yourself suppose it's my

brother

my plea to the government

and the authorities concerned is that

once we go to prison we have suffered

enough

once we come here outside let us not

continue suffering

for the crimes we did or the crimes that

were associated with

us and we're still carrying that burden

give us documents affidavits or

something to to identify

us like for instance right now i'm in

school sooner very soon

i'll be out seeking for a job i may not

even be able to get to be employed

because i don't have a certificate of

good conduct

so like i go i applied not once

twice i think the rise i was told that i

cannot get one

because my fingerprints are in the

system so

how am i going to clear that one

how am i going to get out of that mess

then there are these children whose

parents are in

in custody then a sense they need

identity these people who are in custody

they have been moving from one prison to

the next one person and in the process

some of the

identification documents they are lost

so who is going to help these children

are you going to let the sins of their

parents just

come back to their children the stigma

that the parents are having

back in the prison is still extended

to their very own children it's not

right i think we should just come up

with a system

that is good to bridge such gaps and in

so doing we are going to create

a better a better society a crime-free

society

i may not be proud of the things that

i've done

but i know only a fool

waits to learn through his or her own

experience

our person learns through others

people's experience

i am here to give my own experience

because i want to save that child who is

about to make a bad decision

i'm here to encourage the parents to

have talks with their parents with their

stay with their

children to have dialogues because

they're going to

hold or they're going to have those

children in their own future

as we open up these woods hard

but we need to talk and just heal the

moment that you talk

even your heart becomes you become at

ease do not live another person's life

live your own life

own your story for me i know

i have that past it is an ugly scar

but you know i'm not this gadget that i

have the delete button

i cannot delete it in from my own life

it is there in my own life it is there

to stay

so i have to own it and i know that

through my own

experience someone someone is going to

get encouraged

someone who is supposed to do something

bad will just change

someone who is about stigmatizing

someone who is going to change

someone who is just looking down someone

because who has been behind by us

change that perception we are good

people

the fact that we are we were prisoners

they are prisoners

they are people too we are ex-prisoners

ex-inmates we are the people we are

people too

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you