Love Letters for Him From the Heart

I have no words for you, my dearest, – I shall never have – You are mine, I am yours. Now, here
is one sign of what I said: that I must love you more than at first… a little sign, and to be looked
narrowly for or it escapes me, but then the increase it shows can only be little, so very little
now…

At first I only thought of being happy in you, – in your happiness: now I most think of you in the
dark hours that must come – I shall grow old with you, and die with you – as far as I can look
into the night I see the light with me: and surely with that provision of comfort one should turn
with fresh joy and renewed sense of security to the sunny middle of the day, – I am in the full
sunshine now, – and after, all seems cared for – is it too homely an illustration if I say the day’s
visit is not crossed by uncertainties as to the return thro’ the wild country at nightfall?

Now Keats speaks of “Beauty – that must die – and Joy whose hand is ever at his lips, bidding
farewell.” And who spoke of – looking up into the eyes and asking “And how long will you love
us”? – There is a Beauty that will not die, a Joy that bids no farewell, dear dearest eyes that will
love forever! And I – am to love no longer than I can – Well, dear – and when I can no longer –
you will not blame me? – you will do only as ever, kindly and justly, – hardly more: I do not
pretend to say I have chosen to put my fancy to such an experiment, and consider how that is to
happen, and what measures ought to be taken in the emergency – because in the “universality
of my sympathies” I certainly number a very lively one with my own heart and soul, and cannot
amuse myself by such a spectacle as their supposed extinction or paralysis, – there is no doubt
I should be an object for the deepest commiseration of you or any more fortunate human being:
– and I hope that because such a calamity does not obtrude itself on me as a thing to be prayed
against, it is no less duly implied with all the other visitations from which no humanity can be
altogether exempt – just as God bids us ask for the continuance of the “daily bread”, – “battle,
murder and sudden death” lie behind doubtless – I repeat, and perhaps in so doing, only give
one more example of the instantaneous conversion of that indignation we bestow in another’s
case, into wonderful lenity when it becomes our own, … that I only contemplate the possibility
you make me recognize, with pity, and fear … no anger at all, – and imprecations of vengeance,
for what? – Observe, I only speak of cases possible; of sudden impotency of mind, – that is
possible – there are other ways of “changing”, “ceasing to love” &c which it is safest not to think
of nor believe in…

And now, love, dear heart of my heart, my own, only Ba – see no more – see what I am, what
God in his constant mercy ordinarily grants to those who have, as I, received already so much,
– much, past expression! It is but … if you will so please – at worst, forestalling the one or two
years, for my sake; for you will be as sure of me one day as I can be now of myself – and why
not now be sure? See, love – a year is gone by – we were in one relation when you wrote at the
end of a letter “Do not say I do not tire you” (by writing) – “I am sure I do” – A year has gone by –
Did you tire me then? Now, you tell me what is told; for my sake, sweet, let the few years go by,
– we are married – and my arms are round you, and my face touches yours, and I am asking
you, “Were you not to me, in that dim beginning of 1846, a joy beyond all joys, a life added to
and transforming mine, the good I choose from all the possible gifts of God on this earth, for
which I seem to have lived, – which accepting, I thankfully step aside and let the rest get what
they can, – of what, it is very likely, they esteem more – for why should my eye be evil because
God’s is good, – why should I grudge that, giving them, I do believe, infinitely less, he gives
them a content in the inferior good and belief in its worth – I should have wished that further
concession, that illusion as I believe it, for their sakes – but I cannot undervalue my own
treasure and so scant the only tribute of mere gratitude which is in my power to pay.” – Hear this
said now before the few years, and believe in it now, for then, dearest!”