Malanot, Ryan Kylle G.

12 - Socrates

Get real, get up

In the span of days, months of the pandemic a lot has happened. And May have been
the worst of all. A lot of painful things happened and I lost two of the most important people
in my life. I succumbed to the loneliness and hopelessness I felt. And it doesn’t get any easier
as the day comes.
Like most people, we are stuck in our home and have fallen into the same routine; like
a sunflower following the sun’s cycle every day. But I have fallen into something I thought
I’m not able to get up to. It was my mom’s birthday May 5, when I found out one of the most
important relationships I had was built up from lies. A relationship I treasured for more than a
year, the relationship I once had with my significant other. This made me fall into pieces and
had me heartbroken. It may be a difficult decision but I knew that was the end of our
relationship. As every story has a conclusion this was ours.
Sadly that wasn’t the end of it. Just as I mentioned, it doesn’t get easier as time passes
by. That goes for both of us, as I felt betrayed she blames herself for what becomes of us.
Days have passed while I shut myself in my room; I’m at my phone as I swipe up through the
videos I saw on tiktok. Gazing at my smartphones’ screen time had passed, it makes a good
distraction for me. While she tries her best to reach out to me and explain. I choose to ignore
her, just seeing her makes me remember and that pains me.
One night my phone was filled with messages, it was flooded and before I could even
reply there’s more coming; it was from her mother. Unfortunately, my inability to lower my
pride and listen may have cost someone else’s life. They blame me for what happened or may
happen. Processing the things that happened it’s too much for me, so I just kept quiet. As I
receive hateful/blameful messages from her family and friends; I got scared of visiting her,
afraid of what they’ll say right in front of my face. Or maybe it’s my pride who won’t let me
visit her.
I was devastated, I keep thinking about what may have happened. Those thoughts
about what if we got to the point that it might have been worse. As I continue to live the days
that are coming I feel guilty. I ponder, what if I have just neglected my pride and let her talk
to me at that time, everything would have been different. This guilt is what brought me to
what I can say is the darkest period of my life.
After all of these events we never talk to each other, we move part ways and leave it
all behind. I hope I could have also left all the pain behind. But I was stuck with the worst
mental state I’ve ever been in. Nothing could pick me up from this hole I’ve fallen into. To
cope up I sulk myself into my room trying to get myself distracted; mostly I just play games
by myself or binge-watch everything on tiktok. This led me to an unhealthy lifestyle. My
days were flipped and I don’t usually leave my room.
While I try to ignore everything that’s happening outside my room. A bad news came
to slip by, My grandma had a cardiac arrest and she only had a week to live. I only got to visit
her once and looking back now I regret that. I was given a chance to talk to her and instead of
coming I sulk myself into my room again. Up until she died.
 Seeing my family grieve especially my mom I had to be there for her, for them. That’s
when I try to get up and to do better. It’s weird with the situation I’m in I should be grieving
but knowing my grandmother she wouldn’t like that. But instead, this whole situation became
a wake-up call for me. I don’t know it just came to me that if my grandma is alive she
wouldn’t want me to see me in my room like that. I remember the last time I talked to her, it
was months ago before she rests. She asked me why didn’t I bring my girl over. I replied
kiddingly I said we had a fight or something. And that when she responds with, I have too
much to live for; that I shouldn’t be focusing too much on my relationship. “Bata ka pa, hindi
mo muna dapat gaano iniisip mga bagay na ganyan”. Before, I could barely understand what
she meant because of how weakly she said it. But now it came rushing into my thoughts
clearly.
After my grandma’s funeral. That’s when I start opening up with my mom bit by bit
about what’s happening to me. I’m glad that they have been very supportive. My sister
offered me to seek help from a professional. But I told them if I can’t even help myself how
can others help me. I started first to clean up the mess I’ve built up in my room. Seeing my
room uncluttered was surprisingly great. It makes me appreciate the place I have. And then I
started trying to fix my sleeping schedule. Sleeping early was the hardest to do, I tend to
want to lay down in my chair and play games, or even if I’m resting on my bed my phone is
within reach. With the help of melatonin and self-discipline, I manage to do it. About my
games, I store them away at the moment.
Opening up and trying to pick myself up bit by bit helped me to at least improve my
mental state. But I know deep down part of me still lingers on the painful things I just had
experienced. However, I have to continue, or else I will not be able to move on. So the most
cliche step I’ve done is to work out. Coming from a lot of people working out made them feel
alive. And I think that’s the thing I needed the most, and also I have gained a lot of weight
during those times. Coming to the gym again feels nostalgic, I was once an athlete and but I
never really felt alive it was more of a chore than a routine. It has been a while since I went to
the gym so I hired myself a coach. And they didn’t lie, If I describe it myself it makes your
muscles shout and ask for more. My coach once told me your ego is your best pre-workout.
There’s a time that you no longer want to continue and that you rather want to stay at home
than train. But every morning I find myself wanting to continue and make progress.
I have made this my new routine. But from time to time I try to learn new things, one
of them is skipping rope, in the span of two months of training I manage to learn 5 tricks.
From 82 kg I manage to lost 12kg. It has already been 3 months since all of those events
happened. And I can finally say that I manage to pull myself together from the well I have
fallen into. You are probably asking yourself right now how can I be so sure? I manage to
write this down and got to reflect without getting hurt. And that I think is the most important
achievement in my life. These events no longer serve as a bad memory but a lesson for
myself to do better in the future. I’m fine now, and I push myself to move forward every day
to make another achievement that I could be proud of.