Tom and Dick (Screenplay)

TOM AND DICK
Written by
SEAN NEGLEY
Story by
JOHN MARA & SEAN NEGLEY
First Draft(s) - 2009

Second Draft(s) - 2010
Third Draft - 2011
Revisions - 2013
Copyright © 2013
FADE IN:
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT
We’re in the straight up ghetto. Oakland, CA. But this ain’t

your standard movie ghetto. The liquor store doesn’t have any
loiterers. There aren’t any sirens in the background. In
fact, it’s pretty silent, except for the occasional roar of
the BART train across the street. Oh. There goes a CRACKHEAD
in the background. Yep, this is Oakland.
A car pulls up in the parking lot. It’s a puke green 1998

mini-van (Dodge Grand Caravan with a 3.0L V6 engine to be
precise).
DICK STEVENS exits the driver’s side. Dick is a 48 year old

bald white man. But that doesn’t matter, because he’s a bad
motherfucker.
TOM MARKS steps out of the passenger door. Tom is an

overweight 27 year old white boy. But who cares about that,
because he has style.
DICK
Helen’s a lesbian now.
TOM
No shit?
DICK
Total carpet muncher.
TOM
Wow.
They enter.
INT. LIQUOR STORE
They walk toward the back.

2.
TOM
You don’t think I caused that, do
you?
DICK
Oh, I know for a fact you caused
that.
TOM
Did she say that?
DICK
Nah, but I know.
TOM
Shit, blows my mind.
They reach inside a cooler to grab some beer. Dick goes for a
6 pack of Bud and Tom gets himself a tallboy of 211. They
head to the counter.
DICK
That’s right; you have turned a
straight woman gay.
TOM
Hey, that’s a feat man.
DICK
A shameful feat. Hang your head in
shame playboy.
They pay for their booze as they continue the conversation.
TOM
Nah fuck that. Check it, she went
out with Mike after she went out
with me. If anything, that
motherfucker turned her into an
Indigo Girl.
3.
DICK
Yeah, but Mike was just a test to
see if she was really gay or
straight. You had a lot of warning
signs you never saw.
TOM
Like what?
They exit.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
DICK
Well, for starters, you never could
get her to suck your dick, could
you?
Tom laughs.
TOM
That’s fucked up son.
DICK
You know me, baby.
They get in the car and after a minute (false start) drive
off.
The camera tracks the car as it drives.
TITLE SEQUENCE. “Big Sky” by The Reverend Horton Heat plays.
They drive two blocks and pull into a driveway. They’re home.
The music and titles get cut short as they get out of the
car.
DICK (CONT’D)
You were straight smoking crack
when you asked her to marry you.
4.
TOM
I know dude, I know. Trust me, I
regretted that shit.
DICK
Was she a good lay?
TOM
Nah man. I tried to teach her shit
but she wouldn’t learn.
DICK
Do you wish you had gotten a BJ?
TOM
Man, you are fascinated with dick
sucking.
Continue as they go inside.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
They head toward the couch as they continue their dialogue.

They’ll crack open their beers and put their feet up. They’ll
probably both light up more than 1 cigarette at some point,
being the addicts that they are.
TOM
In retrospect, I’m glad she never
went down on me. I’m sure she would
have sucked dick at sucking dick. I
can probably suck a cock better
than she can.
DICK
(laughs)
That’s fucked up.
(beat)
Did you get that ring back?
5.
TOM
Nope, said screw it. She can have
it.
DICK
That’s a shame. Could have made a
little money there.
TOM
(shrugs)
Eh, whaddayagonnado?
DICK
Amen brother.
They clink drinks and sit back.
“Big Sky” picks up right where it left off a minute ago. The
opening credits continue as Tom and Dick sit back, smoking
and drinking.
END TITLE SEQUENCE.
DICK (CONT’D)
I got a brilliant idea.
TOM
Tell.
DICK
We’re gonna have a party tonight.
TOM
Where?
DICK
Here, motherfucker.
TOM
Tonight?
DICK
Fuck yes.
6.
TOM
It’s already 11 o’clock. Who are we
gonna get here?
DICK
You leave that shit to me. You go
get the booze and I’ll get the
bitches. Take my wheels.
TOM
My license got suspended, remember?
DICK
Fuck.
(thinks)
All right look. BevMo’s not that
far away really. You walk out
there, buy all the shit, steal a
shopping cart and haul it back.
Tom’s natural instinct is to argue with this, but he knows

Dick. If Dick wants a party, Dick’s having a party.
TOM
Cool by me.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT - AN HOUR LATER
Tom rolls a shopping cart full of booze up to their house.

Cars line the streets and a beat thumps.
From the living room window we can see that the shit is
bumpin’ inside.
TOM
Goddam.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Tom comes in carrying a case of beer and a fifth of vodka.

There are PEOPLE everywhere. MUSIC plays loudly. Dick was
able to get a local RAPPER to perform.
7.
Dick is in the kitchen. Tom walks through, squeezing himself

past the crowd.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Dick lights a shot of Bacardi 151 and hands it to a PARTY-

GOER. He looks up to see Tom coming in.
DICK
Tommy Boy! Did I fucking tell you
or what?
TOM
My hat’s off to you son.
Dick looks at the booze.
DICK
Is that all you bought?
TOM
Ah hell nah. There’s a shit load
more outside.
DICK
Yeah baby!
(to crowd)
WE GOT THE BOOZE!
CHEERS and YELLING.
DICK (CONT’D)
Can you DIG IT?!?
More CHEERS. Dick turns back to Tom.
DICK (CONT’D)
Let’s get retarded.
INT/EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT - PARTY SEQUENCE
Drinking. We’re talking deadly alcohol consumption.

8.
Music and dancing. All the hottest chicks you can imagine.
Drinking games. Quarters. Asshole. King’s Cup.
Chill. To the max.
EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT
Dick is schooling some PREPPY MOTHERFUCKER in a chugging

contest. PAUL stands with Dick. Paul is in his 20s and is one
cocky sonuvabitch.
Dick slams his glass on the table.
DICK
You’re fucking done son!
Paul gets all up in the Preppy Motherfucker’s face.
PAUL
What?! What?!
The Preppy Motherfucker and his FRIEND walk away.
PAUL (CONT’D)
Geah!
Paul fist bumps Dick.
In the background is a white boy named JAMAL. He wears an SF

Giants hat and a “Dodgers Suck!” t-shirt.
JAMAL
FUCK THE DODGERS! WHOO!
Nobody pays attention to him.
Dick lights up a smoke and looks around.
He sees a bevy of HOT BITCHES.
DICK
Woo! Check these pretty babies out.
9.
PAUL
Breezies be fine son. That one on
the right damn, wouldn’t mind ski-
masking that bitch.
DICK
Hubba hubba. Let’s hit that.
PAUL
No can do tonight mang. My girl’s
with me. I’d get busted fo sho.
DICK
All right. Holla at cha boy.
Dick walks over to the Hot Bitches.
DICK (CONT’D)
Ladies. Who here wants some of this
Dick?
A few of the Bitches get offended and walk off. Two Bitches
remain, smiling.
DICK (CONT’D)
That’s what I’m talking about.
He puts his arms around them and walks into the house.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Dick walks in with the Hot Bitches. He walks past Tom playing
video games with some STONERS.
They’re playing “GoldenEye” on an original N64. Tom is

kicking the shit out of them.
TOM
Shot in the face!
STONER 1
What the fuck!?
10.
TOM
Most deadly.
STONER 2
What’s up with this shit? Why don’t
you get a PS3 or something?
TOM
You don’t like it you can get the
fuck out. The 90s were the shit.
STONER 2
(to Stoner 1)
Fuck this guy.
STONER 1
Yeah.
Stoners proceed to get the fuck out.
TOM
Good riddance. Fucking Shaggies.
Tom sits back and sips his drink.
WOMAN’S VOICE
I didn’t know you were so
nostalgic.
Tom looks over. SARAH JOHNS sits near him. Sarah is a knock-
out, drag-down, hot-as-fuck blonde in her 20s.
TOM
Sarah?
She smiles.
TOM (CONT’D)
Oh shit. How long has it been?
SARAH
The 90s.
Tom smiles.
11.
TOM
Yeah. They were awesome.
(beat)
What are you doing here?
SARAH
Came with some friends.
She looks around.
SARAH (CONT’D)
I don’t know where they went.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - DICK’S ROOM - NIGHT
Dick and the two Bitches are having a three-way. Porn plays
on Dick’s 60” TV.
DICK
Give me some sugar baby.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
TOM
What have you been up?
SARAH
I’m a stripper.
TOM
Really?
She nods.
TOM (CONT’D)
All right. Didn’t expect that one.
Sarah laughs a little bit as he finishes his drink. A new

song starts playing from the living room.
TOM (CONT’D)
Ooh, this song is hot. Let’s dance.
12.
He puts his glass down as they get up and head to the living
room.
Paul and his friend, WONDER BREAD, stand to the side. Wonder
Bread is the cockiest Asian you will ever meet.
WONDER BREAD
Off the hook baby.
Paul and Wonder Bread speak in slang heavily. Their dialogue

is subtitled into normal English.
PAUL SUBTITLES
These breezies makin’ my dick These women are so beautiful,
cry. I’m getting an erection.
WONDER BREAD SUBTITLES

Seriously, son. Bitches be I agree. These women are
bangin’. gorgeous.
PAUL SUBTITLES
That beezy has some tig ‘ol That woman has some big
bitties. breasts.

Geah geah. Wouldn’t mind Yes. I would love to have sex
ravagin’ that bloobla. with her.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Geah. She’s prolly a bitch Yes. She’s probably rude
and a half though. though.

Mos def. But that shit don’t Most definitely. But that
matter to me. If I be pervin’ doesn’t matter to me. If I’m
I won’t even be listening to drunk I won’t even listen to
her gibber gabber. her talking.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Straight up. All you got to I agree. All you got to do is
do is eli like a motherfucker lie a lot to that type of
to that type of hoe. Tell her woman. Tell her you’re an
you an astronaut or some astronaut or something.
shit.
13.

Word. Oh son, I gotta tell I agree. Oh, buddy. I have to
you some fucked up shit. tell you something messed up.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Spit it. Tell me.

I was at this party with my I was at a party with my
boo right? girlfriend. You know her?
PAUL SUBTITLES
Penelope? Penelope.
He pronounces it “Pee-na-lope”.

Geah. Then my nia Tre rolls That’s her. My friend Tre
up and is all like “Yo dawg I comes up to me and says, “I
got that purple you wanted.” got the marijuana you
wanted.”
PAUL SUBTITLES
So what’s the probs? What’s the matter with that?

Pen’s the hulluv Christo Penelope is really religious.
bitch.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Snap. Oh.

Un. She don’t peciate my d- Yeah. She didn’t like my drug
boy grindin’ me when she dealer trying to sell me
wants to be all “Sleepless in drugs when she wanted to have
Seattle”. Specially didn’t a romantic time. And she got
jibe when I passed my scrilla really mad when I tried to
all FBI style. Bluebird done secretly give him money for
Texas Chainsaw’d my ass. the drugs. That annoying girl
broke up with me.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Ha ha! You deserved it.
14.

Youse know me, I could give a You know me, I don’t care
fuck ‘bout some bootsie shit, about bad stuff that happens,
but it left a bad taste in my but for some reason it upset
mouth. me.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Whatevs mang. We be Don’t worry about it. We are
surrounded by shaboopies. surround by beautiful women.
Harvest season nia. You can get any one of them.

Geah geah. You are correct.
Some HOT BREEZIES walk by.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Damn! Wouldn’t mind eating Woah! I would really enjoy
some of that cake. having sex with her.

Naw dawg, she bootleggin’. No man, she has an STD.
PAUL SUBTITLES
What? You sprinklin’? Are you telling the truth?

Serious as a heart attack. I’m not lying.
PAUL SUBTITLES
You smash dat shit? Did you have sex with her?

Hell haw. I’m a blonder. Definitely not. I only have
sex with blonde women.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Yeah right. You nothing but Yeah right. You just try to
Captain Save A Hoe. have sex by being friendly
and always fail.
WONDER BREAD (CONT’D) SUBTITLES

Fuck you dawg. I be spittin’ Fuck you man. I get a lot of
Swayze day in day out. sex.
15.
PAUL SUBTITLES
You be hittin’ the Barbaras You have sex with
and the Bennies. transvestites and homosexuals.
WONDER BREAD (CONT’D) SUBTITLES

At least I ain’t goin’ on no At least I don’t try to have
beaver attempts for some sex with ugly women like you
janky ass beezies like you. do.
PAUL SUBTITLES
What choo talkin’ ‘bout? What are you talking about?

That cutty ass shaboopie you That sketchy looking girl you
tried to lay pipe in. The one tried to have sex with. The
who gave you a fauxjob. one who gave you oral sex for
only 2 seconds.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Oh yeah she was a straight up I agree she was really
coyote. I woulda had to gnaw unattractive. I would have
my arm off and shit. had to sneak out of her house
in the morning.

She was hulluv Gibberish.
shabooplaboopie.
PAUL SUBTITLES
Whoopdie-woo-woo! Gibberish.
They laugh.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Tom is still dancing with Sarah. They both really dig each
other’s vibes.
The Hot Breezies walk in, with Paul following. He scopes them
out and sees Tom and Sarah. His jaw straight drops.
16.
Dick and the Hot Bitches have finished having sex. Dick
smokes a cigarette.
DICK
Round two?
The Bitches shrug.
BITCH #1
Sure.
DICK
Hold on to your butts.
While still smoking, Dick positions himself for more action.
A poker game is in motion. The loudest guy of the bunch is

JOKER, a slacker in his 20s.
JOKER
Read ‘em and weep playas.
Joker lays down his hand. A lot of groans from the other
PLAYERS. Joker collects his winnings as Paul comes up.
PAUL
Yo brah.
JOKER
Paulie!
They slap hands.
PAUL
Dude check this shit out in here.
JOKER
I’m collecting my money.
17.
PAUL
Nobody’s gonna steal your shit man.
Just come with me hella quick
style.
JOKER
(to the Players)
Be right back.
Joker gets up and they go inside.
Tom dances with Sarah. Paul and Joker come in.
PAUL
Observe.
JOKER
Fuck. He’s got it going on.
The song ends and Sarah leans in to ask Tom something. He

replies and she walks off.
PAUL
Tommy Boy!
Tom sees Paul and Joker and nods. Paul motions for him to
come over. Tom walks up to them.
TOM
What’s up son?
PAUL
Dude who is that fine ass thang you
dancing with?
TOM
Girl I know.
JOKER
You gonna hit that?
18.
TOM
Eh I don’t know man. Haven’t seen
her in a while. She probably has a
boyfriend or something.
PAUL
The fuck you talkin’ about? You
were practically penetrating her on
the dance floor.
JOKER
Legit dude. She wants your cock.
PAUL
Fucking do it!
TOM
Yeah yeah we’ll see what happens.
Sarah comes back.
TOM (CONT’D)
Peace.
Tom goes to her and they talk inaudibly. After a moment they
leave towards a bedroom.
PAUL
Fucking love that guy.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - TOM’S ROOM - NIGHT
Tom and Sarah come in.
TOM
We can talk in here.
SARAH
Ok.
They sit on the bed.

19.
TOM
So... stripper, eh?
SARAH
(shrugs)
It’s not a permanent thing. I’m
just trying to make some easy
money. You should come see me
sometime.
TOM
(lying)
Yeah maybe I’ll check you out.
(awkward pause)
So... did you ever get to college?
SARAH
This talk is bullshit.
She leans in to kiss him. Tom is put-off at first but goes

with it. They get into it pretty hard. Sarah starts to take
off her shirt.
Tom pause and looks up the skies. He kisses his forefinger

and middle finger and raises it up.
TOM
Thank you.
They continue making out and undressing.
Dick is still going strong with the two Bitches.
SPLIT- SCREEN
Both Tom and Dick are going for glory. They high five each
other across the split screen.
20.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Dick sits smoking. Tom comes in and sits down, lighting up a

cigarette.
Dick nods. Tom nods. They twinkle their finger.
DICK
My Caucasian.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Tom and Dick play a video game, “NHL ‘94” on the SNES.
DICK
Jane’s coming up next month.
TOM
Sweet. What are you guys gonna do?
DICK
Oh I don’t know. Go to an opera, do
some window shopping at Macy’s and
maybe, just maybe, stay up all
night and watch the sun rise.
(beat)
What the hell you think we gonna
do? We is gonna have sex as much as
humanly possible in two weeks.
TOM
Fan-tas-tic.
DICK
Thank you.
They keep playing. Dick scores a goal on Tom.
DICK (CONT’D)
Booya!
21.
TOM
Oh you bitch.
DICK
Unity!
(after a moment)
So who was the hot chick you nailed
at the party?
TOM
Girl I knew from back in the day.
Sarah.
(pause)
She’s a stripper now.
DICK
No fucking shit? Hot damn.
(beat)
Wish I could fuck a stripper.
Pause.
TOM
Who did you get?
DICK
Some bitches.
TOM
Names?
DICK
I don’t know.
TOM
Classy.
DICK
Man I wish I had seen what that
Sarah chick looked like.
Tom nods.
22.
DICK (CONT’D)
We should go out to her club.
TOM
Hell no.
DICK
Why the fuck not?
TOM
I’m not the strip club type.
DICK
You like titties and pussy?
TOM
Yeah.
DICK
Then you’re the type.
TOM
Nah man. Plus I already seen them
titties and pussy.
DICK
Free your mind.
(pause)
You gonna try and see her again?
TOM
Don’t know. I think it was really
just a one time hookup. I doubt
she’d want to seriously date me.
DICK
Whatever, you’re money baby.
TOM
Thank you.
They finish playing their game. Dick wins 2-0.

23.
DICK
Round two?
TOM
Nah I’m gonna get something to eat.
DICK
Aight.
Tom gets up to start towards the kitchen.
DICK (CONT’D)
You know I got this new porn from
Matt, wanna watch it?
TOM
(laughs)
Nah man, you go ahead.
Tom goes to the kitchen. Dick goes to his room to get his
porn.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Tom comes in. He sees ANDRES, a conservative older Mehican

gentleman, sitting at the table. (Andres was in the kitchen
during the whole last scene.)
Tom stands looking at him.
TOM
(to Dick, off)
Who’s this guy?
DICK (O.S.)
That’s Andres.
TOM
Who’s Andres?
DICK (O.S.)
That guy.
24.
TOM
What’s he doing here?
DICK (O.S.)
Chillin.
Pause.
TOM
(to Andres)
Hey man.
ANDRES
Ay mang.
TOM
I’m gonna get something to eat. You
want something?
ANDRES
Dat’s cool mang. I not hungry mang.
Tom nods and goes to the fridge to prepare himself a

sandwich. All the while Andres sits at the table staring into
oblivion.
Tom sits down across from him and eats his sandwich. Andres
casually looks over once or twice but there’s not much life
in his eyes.
Tom’s pants buzz. He takes out his phone to see a text from
Sarah. He reads it and smiles. He starts to text her back but
looks up at Andres.
Andres sits there expressionless. Tom continues texting and

pockets his phone. He continues eating and eyes Andres.
TOM
I just got a text from a girl I
know.
(beat)
She’s a stripper.
25.
Andres doesn’t really care.
TOM (CONT’D)
I banged her last week.
Andres comes alive.
ANDRES
Chit mang jou prolly got some BD or
sumting mang. Jouse gotta get
jourself chicked out.
TOM
BD?
ANDRES
Geah mang benereal disease mang.
TOM
Venereal disease.
ANDRES
Dat’s what I sed mang. Jour Johnson
gon fall off mang.
TOM
Johnson?
Andres nods. Tom has finished eating.
TOM (CONT’D)
Cool. Talk later.
Tom gets up to leave.
Tom comes in.
TOM
Any good?
26.
DICK
It’s decent. Not as good as some.
Tom sits.
DICK (CONT’D)
Now the all-time-best I’ve ever
seen was a little picture called
“Thanksgiving It Up 2: White and
Dark Meat.”
TOM
Fucking awesome title.
DICK
Agree.
They watch for a moment.
TOM
Is it weird that we’re watching
porn and this guy is just sitting
over there?
DICK
Weird how?
TOM
You know, he’s just sitting there.
Alone. We’re here. Watching
pornography. That’s creepy.
Dick shrugs.
DICK
(pointing at TV)
Damn look at that bitch. She is all
over that cock. Just eating it up
like it was candy.
Dick mimes eating cock.

27.
TOM
Damn! That girl hella looks like
Sarah.
DICK
That’s what Sarah looks like? Fuck
yeah I’m definitely jacking it to
this one.
Tom watches more closely.
TOM
Holy fucking shit. That IS Sarah!
Dick laughs.
DICK
No shit?
TOM
No fucking shit.
Tom is devastated, Dick smiles ear-to-ear.
DICK
Oh this is awesome.
TOM
Fuck you turn it off.
DICK
Fuck that shit. This is grade A
entertainment.
TOM
Dude that’s fucked. I feel
nauseous.
DICK
What? What’s the matter?
TOM
This is not good.
28.
DICK
What are you talking about? This is
possibly the greatest thing to ever
happen to you. Do you know how many
chicks you can bang with this
story?
TOM
You’re insane.
DICK
I don’t get you man. You were all
proud of banging her when she was a
stripper.
TOM
Big difference between porn star
and stripper.
DICK
Not really but whatever. Had you
known she did porn you would have
still banged her?
TOM
Fuck no. I would not. No.
DICK
I don’t think I know you anymore.
TOM
I’m probably filled with benereal
diseases.
DICK
Benereal?
TOM
Whatever.
DICK
Didn’t you use protection?
29.
TOM
No, I was drunk!
DICK
Oh fuck. You banged a porn star
with no snakeskin! What were you
thinking? Your Johnson’s gonna fall
off man.
Tom bangs his head against the wall.
TOM
Seriously turn it off.
DICK
Hell no. I ain’t had the real thing
like yourself. I deserve to watch
this.
He continues watching. Tom watches in disgust.
EXT. MARKET STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT
Market and Powell, BART station. Tom comes up the stairs and
looks around.
TOM
(to himself)
What the fuck man, what the fuck.
He sees Sarah standing about 20 feet away, watching a guy

break dance for money. He goes up to her.
TOM (CONT’D)
Hey.
She turns and smiles.
SARAH
Hey you. Was starting to think you
weren’t coming.
30.
They hug.
TOM
Well, I’m here.
SARAH
Where do you want to go?
TOM
Uh... don’t know yet. I figure
we’ll walk around. See what’s up.
SARAH
Ok.
They head up Powell toward Union Square. Sarah takes his hand
and smiles at him. He fidgets.
TOM
Seen any good movies lately?
SARAH
Can’t say that I have.
(beat)
You?
TOM
Uh yeah. Saw an interesting one the
other day. God, what was it called?
(beat)
Oh yeah, something like “Juggies
3.” Fascinating movie.
Sarah is silent.
TOM (CONT’D)
Really tied the whole trilogy
together that one. Big twist I
wasn’t expecting.
(Pause)
You ever seen it?
Sarah stops walking.

31.
SARAH
How did you see it?
TOM
Well, I live with a pervert. A bit
of a pornography buff.
(beat)
How the hell could you do porn?
What type of person does that?
SARAH
It was a long time ago. I needed
the money, figured it wasn’t really
different than being a stripper.
TOM
A long time ago? It was made like
last year.
Sarah scoffs.
SARAH
It’s really no big deal.
TOM
It is to me.
SARAH
Why?
TOM
I don’t want to be associated with
that... world. I never pictured
myself dating a stripper who’s also
a porn star on the side. Can you
imagine me introducing you to my
parents? “Mom, Dad, this is Sarah.
She takes her clothes off for a
living and sometimes gets paid to
fornicate on camera. Got any
cheese?”
32.
SARAH
Fuck you.
TOM
(cold)
We already played that game. I
lost.
Pause.
SARAH
You’re a douche.
She slaps him.
SARAH (CONT’D)
I thought you were better than
that.
She walks away.
TOM
Fuck.
EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - PORCH - NIGHT
Dick smokes a cigarette as Tom comes up.
DICK
How’s Sarah?
TOM
We’re done.
DICK
That’s a shame.
TOM
Yeah. Oh well.
Pause.
33.
DICK
Can I have her number?
TOM
Dick.
DICK
That’s me, baby.
Tom goes inside, Dick continues smoking.
Next door, their NEIGHBOR, an older man, opens his door and
walks out with a very hot YOUNG LADY. The Young Lady kisses
him on the cheek and walks away.
Dick smiles.
When the Young Lady is gone:
DICK (CONT’D)
Psst.
The Neighbor looks over. Dick double-pumps one fist in the

air in a questioning way.
NEIGHBOR
What?
DICK
Did you fuck her?
NEIGHBOR
That’s my daughter.
(pause)
Asshole.
The Neighbor slams the door.
DICK
Fuck.
34.
INT. DICK’S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT
Tom and Dick are crusing.
DICK
I'm telling you right now, Tom, you
better not be around this weekend.
We're most likely just going to
fuck the whole three days. We'll be
naked the entire time. Even when I
come out to the kitchen and get a
sandwich.
TOM
It’s my place too man.
DICK
I'm just telling you. We might
watch TV in the living room. Naked.
I'll go into your room and borrow a
razor. Naked.
TOM
Dick.
DICK
Thank you.
TOM
What do you guys do together?
DICK
I don’t know. Whatever we want.
TOM
Let’s say it’s Friday or Saturday
night. What do you guys do?
DICK
Friday night is naked movie night.
TOM
What?
35.
DICK
Oh yeah. Rent a movie. Watch it
naked. Good times.
TOM
You guys do this a lot?
DICK
Yeah, whenever we’re together we
gotta be naked as much as possible.
You and Helen never watched a movie
naked?
TOM
Nope.
DICK
Different strokes for different
folks I guess.
Pause.
TOM
Do you love her?
DICK
Sure.
Pause.
TOM
Do you think you’ll get married?
DICK
Goddamn, man. With all the heavy
questions. What's up with you?
TOM
Curious. Do you think you'll marry
her or you don't think about that?
DICK
Hell no I don't think about it.
36.
TOM
Why not?
DICK
What's the point? I say the word
and Jane'll flip. Why ruin a good
thing?
TOM
You don't think marriage is a good
thing?
DICK
You need to get laid, dude. Quick.
TOM
Shut up. I'm serious here.
(beat)
If you really loved her, wouldn't
you want to marry her?
Pause.
DICK
Yes. I would want to marry her.
Someday. But not now.
TOM
All right.
That’s the end of that.
DICK
Sounds like you're regretting some
shit.
TOM
More or less.
DICK
What's the skinny, baby?
37.
TOM
I don't know. Been thinking about
Sarah. And Helen.
(beat)
I was a prick to them, man. I was
harsh. Especially Helen. Never got
to enjoy what I had when I had it.
I tend to remember all the bad shit
about women and not look at any
good qualities.
DICK
Man, you in limp dick mode. You are
sounding like a straight up chick
right now.
TOM
Yeah, I watched "Say Anything..."
again.
DICK
Fuck, that shit’s dangerous man.
TOM
I know, but it’s a genius movie.
DICK
So, you gonna try and get that
bunny back with a boombox outside
her window or some shit?
TOM
No. It's not like I want to be back
with her. I don't. But I wish I had
someone.
DICK
You've had plenty of chicks.
TOM
Nah, man, not just chasing trim.
That's fun and all but it's not the
end goal for me.
38.
DICK
You want to get married and have
kids and pay a mortgage and work a
shit job and hang yourself?
TOM
No. I want something in the middle.
More than just sex and not too far
like marriage.
DICK
Makes sense. That's why I got Jane.
Dick talks on the phone with Jane. We only hear his side of
the conversation.
DICK
(on phone)
You got everything packed?
(pause)
You’re not coming? Why n--
(pause)
Well it doesn’t sound like you need
to put off this trip. I mean y--
(pause)
Come on, it’s been months since
we’ve seen each other.
(pause)
Time apart? We’ve had plenty of
time apart. We need time together.
Very long pause. His mood goes from frustration to disbelief.
DICK (CONT’D)
(on phone)
No. No I don’t--don’t see it like
that.
(pause)
We did!
39.
Dick’s getting desperate here.
DICK (CONT’D)
What about our first date? That
jazz club with the Ethiopian food?
(pause)
I know but--
(long pause)
So that’s how it is eh?
Pause. He nods and hangs up the phone.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - DICK’S ROOM - DAY - A FEW DAYS
LATER
Dick sits on his floor, bottle of gin in hand. He drinks

straight from the bottle.
The room is a complete mess. It’s obvious he threw a fit at

some point and hasn’t cared to clean up.
Tom comes in.
TOM
Hey.
No answer.
TOM (CONT’D)
How long you been like this?
Nothing.
TOM (CONT’D)
Let’s clean you up and go out.
MONTAGE
1) EXT. TOM AND DICK’S PLACE - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Tom and Dick are washing the van. Dick polishes the hood.
40.
2) INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Tom polishes Dick’s bald head.
3) INT. DICK’S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT
Tom and Dick cruise.
4) INT. BAR - NIGHT
Dick talks to a BLONDE WOMAN.
5) INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - DICK’S ROOM - NIGHT
Dick has sex with the Blonde.
6) INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Tom and Dick dance. They talk with more WOMEN.
7) INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - TOM’S ROOM - NIGHT
Dick has sex with a RED-HEADED WOMAN. Tom walks in.
TOM
Goddammit!
He walks out. Dick and the Red-Head don’t even notice.
8) INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Tom and Dick drink and dance and drink.
9) INT. CLUB - BATHROOM
Tom and Dick take a whizz. Moaning is heard. Dick looks over
and sees that a stall door is rattling.
DICK
(drunk)
I think there’s some fuckery going
on in there.
41.
Tom looks over.
TOM
(drunk)
Fuck yeah.
Dick walks to the stall and peeks over the top. He smiles and
pulls out his cell phone to record it.
10) EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY
Tom and Dick are having a party. A bunch of GUESTS mingle.

Dick is wasted.
11) EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Tom talks to a GOOD LOOKING GIRL at the party.
12) INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BATHROOM
Dick pukes as Tom holds him over the toilet.
END MONTAGE
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Dick sleeps on the floor as Tom comes in.
TOM
Rise and shine.
No movement from Dick. Tom kicks him gently with his foot.
Dick bats it away so Tom kicks harder. Dick stirs.
DICK
What the fuck?
Dick looks around, thinking he’s in his bedroom.
DICK (CONT’D)
Where’d my door go?
42.
TOM
You’re in the living room.
DICK
What’s with the hostility?
TOM
You don’t remember anything, do
you?
DICK
Nope.
TOM
Well, where to begin?
(beat)
By the time the party started you
had already drank an entire fifth
of Bacardi. A couple chicks arrived
and you turned on the sprinklers.
You said something about making
your own “Waterworld”.
(beat)
Then you puked in front of
everybody.
DICK
Fuck.
TOM
It gets better. Chrissie showed up.
DICK
Chrissie with the big ass titties?
TOM
Yup. And you grabbed dem titties.
Really hard.
DICK
Nice.
43.
TOM
Chrissie’s boyfriend wasn’t too
pleased. You guys got into a fist
fight.
DICK
Who won?
TOM
You.
DICK
Tight.
(sitting up)
Time for breakfast.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN
Dick comes in. He opens a cupboard and takes out a loaf of

bread. He goes over to the counter and plops the bread down.
He takes out a plate and opens the bread. He takes two slices
and puts them in the toaster.
While the bread is toasting Dick takes the loaf and puts it
back in his cupboard.
Tom comes in and sits at the table. He's already had his fill
so just sips his OJ. Dick reaches down and takes out a bottle
of Schnapps. He puts it on the table. Tom raises his
eyebrows.
Ding! The toast is done. Dick puts them on his plate and sits
down at the table. He takes the bottle of Schnapps and pours
some on each piece of toast. Dick sits down and eats his
breakfast. Tom watches him and shrugs.
INT. DICK’S CAR - NIGHT
Tom and Dick cruise. Andres sits in the back seat. His
presence is completely unacknowledged.
44.
DICK
You want to go to the club?
TOM
No. We’ve been three times this
week?
DICK
What then?
TOM
I don’t know. Let’s just cruise.
DICK
Pick up chicks?
TOM
No, I think you’ve fulfilled your
quota.
DICK
So we just cruise around?
TOM
Yup.
DICK
All righty then.
So they cruise.
DICK (CONT’D)
You got that Aaron motherfucker’s
number?
TOM
Fuck no. Why would you want to talk
to that guy?
DICK
Owes me money.
45.
TOM
Motherfucker. Know where he lives?
DICK
Nope. If I find that cock smuggler
I’m gonna beat him like he was
Piccolo Mouso.
Tom chuckles. This is such an obscure reference so who knows

if Tom even got the joke.
DICK (CONT’D)
I’m hungry. Let’s get a taco.
ANDRES
Taco.
Tom kicks back when Dick comes in.
TOM
Want to go to a wedding?
DICK
Fuck no.
TOM
Free hooch.
DICK
I’m there.
TOM
Figures.
DICK
When is it?
TOM
Next Saturday.
46.
DICK
Who’s getting hitched?
TOM
Get this. Helen and her best friend
Mary.
DICK
We’re going to a lesbian wedding?
Holy shit, is that even legal?
TOM
I guess so.
DICK
Sweet. They gonna kiss?
TOM
Yup.
DICK
Fuck yeah I’m so in.
TOM
Figures.
DICK
Why the fuck did you get an invite?
TOM
I don’t know. I’m still chill with
Mary so she probably convinced
Helen to invite me and show that
she’s over me and she’s a stronger
person or some Psych 101 bullshit
like that.
DICK
Fucking women man.
TOM
Fuckin A.
47.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
Helen and Mary have an outside wedding. Tom and Dick arrive.
DICK
What the fuck side we supposed to
sit on?
TOM
I think Helen’s the groom.
DICK
That’s fucked up. You fucked the
groom dude.
They sit in the back and watch the ceremony.
Dick taps Tom on the shoulder and makes a V with his fingers
and puts it to his mouth, wagging his tongue. Tom hits him in
the arm. Dick laughs.
A woman in front of him turns around to give him the mean

mug. Dick blows her a kiss. She turns back, disgusted. Dick
smiles.
INT. RECEPTION HALL - DAY
At the after party. Tom and Dick talk to various people. Dick
talks a RANDOM GIRL.
DICK
I dated a porn star once.
RANDOM GIRL
Really?
DICK
Oh yeah. I’m Dick.
They shake hands. Jamal comes up out of nowhere, wearing the

same outfit as before.
48.
JAMAL
He straight bounces away.
RANDOM GIRL
Who was that?
Dick shrugs.
Meanwhile...
Tom talks to JULIE THOMAS.
JULIE
So how do you know the couple?
TOM
Oh, well--
(embarrassed)
I guess you could I’m the one who
brought the two together.
JULIE
How?
TOM
I turned Helen gay.
JULIE
So you’re Tom.
(off Tom’s look)
Helen’s my cousin.
TOM
Oh shit.
JULIE
Don’t worry. She told me all about
you.
49.
TOM
Oh shit.
(beat)
What’d she say.
JULIE
(shrugs)
Stuff.
TOM
Good stuff or bad stuff?
JULIE
Eh, a little of column A, a little
of column B.
TOM
Well what would you say is the most
memorable thing she said?
Julie thinks for a sec.
JULIE
That you dumped her because she
never gave oral.
Tom does a spit-take.
TOM
What? That’s not true. Well, yes--
it’s true that she never gave...
You know. But that’s why I... not
at all.
JULIE
Mm hm.
TOM
(flustered)
I’m serious. Had nothing to do with
it. That’s not the type--that ain’t
me. I would never--
50.
JULIE
I believe you. I don’t really think
that’s the reason. She was pretty
drunk when she said it.
TOM
Helen? Drunk?
JULIE
(shrugs)
I think it was one of those first-
time-last-time deals.
Tom nods. He’s chilled out now.
TOM
First time I ever gave her a drink
she got an instant headache. It was
like she skipped the drunk part and
went straight for the hangover.
JULIE
(smiles)
What drink did you give her?
Pause.
TOM
Blue Jesus.
JULIE
(laughs)
Were you trying to rape her?
TOM
No not at all. I didn’t know what
was in it. Sounded like a girly
drink.
JULIE
Sure.
Awkward silence.
51.
TOM
So... you live in the area?
JULIE
Yeah. A little north but you can
still say “this area”.
TOM
Cool.
(beat)
You live by yourself or with
roommates?
Julie tries to find Tom’s hidden agenda with the questions.
JULIE
By myself... why?
TOM
Well... I myself live with a
roommate. He’s a bitch really. But
you know, he’s never late on rent
because he doesn’t pay any. He
contributes a lot to the house
though. Parties.
JULIE
Good parties or lame one?
TOM
Well we’ve never had a party
without a fight breaking out. The
earliest time we ever ended was 2
AM, because the cops had shown up
for the fourth time.
JULIE
Sounds... awesome?
TOM
Yeah I don’t quite know. Next party
we have I’ll definitely invite you.
52.
JULIE
And how would you do that?
TOM
Well, I’d need your phone number.
JULIE
Right. You know you could have just
asked for it straight up.
TOM
Yeah but I like to do things the
long way. Need to make up an excuse
as to why I would call and the
whole party thing seemed like a
good one.
JULIE
Did it work?
Pause.
TOM
Yeah.
Julie smiles.
JULIE
Give me your phone.
Tom hands it over. She punches in her number and saves it.
TOM
I just realized I’m an idiot.
Julie raises her eyebrows.
TOM (CONT’D)
I never asked your name.
JULIE
Julie.
53.
TOM
Julie. Nice to meet you.
They shake.
JULIE
The pleasure was all mine.
TOM
Oh it will be.
He winces.
TOM (CONT’D)
I’m sorry. This is like my fourth
drink. Straight gin you know.
JULIE
It was funny. Talk later.
TOM
Yeah.
She leaves.
TOM (CONT’D)
Holy shit.
Tom quickly gulps the rest of his drink.
Tom and Dick are driving home.
DICK
I saw you talking to a rad looking
woman. Details.
TOM
I got her number.
54.
DICK
You’re my boy, Blue!
TOM
And you? I saw you talking to
someone.
DICK
We had sex in the bathroom.
TOM
Oh that’s nice.
DICK
Giddy up.
Tom and Dick relax. Tom idly channel surfs. Dick reads the
play “Betrayal” by Harold Pinter.
Tom’s phone buzzes. He picks it up and looks at the caller.

He sets it on the coffee tables and lets it ring itself to
voicemail.
DICK
Who dat?
TOM
Sarah?
DICK
Why didn’t you pick it up? I
thought you’re a changed man and
shit.
TOM
I’ll listen to the message and see
if I need to call her. She could
just be cussing me out.
55.
Tom’s phone beeps. Voice mail time. Silence as he listens.

His face goes from mild interest to extreme panic in a
heartbeat.
TOM (CONT’D)
Oh that’s bullshit.
He tosses his phone down.
DICK
What’s the haps?
Pause.
TOM
Sarah’s pregnant.
Long pause.
DICK
Bummer.
Dick goes back to reading.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Tom and Dick sit at the table. Tom nurses a glass of Jack.
DICK
Don’t get all heavy man. It’s not
the end of the world.
TOM
This is bad.
DICK
Maybe. Maybe not.
TOM
Bad. Definitely bad.
56.
DICK
Look on the bright side. She won’t
be stripping or doing porn again.
For a little while at least.
Tom looks at him.
TOM
That’s the bright side?
DICK
(shrugs)
Could be worse. She’s not slapping
you with a paternity suit or
anything. She said she wants to see
you. Go see her. Talk things over.
Come up with a compromise.
TOM
What are going to compromise on?
I’m gonna be her baby’s daddy.
She’s going to make my life
miserable.
DICK
You need to stop tripping. Relax,
man. Jane and I had a pregnancy
scare once. It was scary but I came
to accept the fact that having a
child is creating life.
(pause)
Then she had her period and we
changed contraceptives.
Pause.
TOM
I fucking hate you.
DICK
What?
57.
TOM
That party was your fucking idea!
You invited her.
DICK
I ain’t never met this broad
before. I called all the honeys I
knew. She must have come with a
friend. Small world is all. You’re
the one who slept with her with no
glove.
TOM
Yeah because I hang around with you
all the time. All you talk about is
how many girls you’ve fucked. It’s
like a game for you. You have no
real concept of love. You treated
the only girl who ever really loved
you like that. Then when she dumps
you, you go out and just fuck some
more. Why isn’t this shit happening
to you? I care about women. I hate
myself for hurting this girl. Not
you. “Fuck ‘em and chuck ‘em.”
That’s your motto.
Long pause.
DICK
(slowly)
You whiny son of a bitch.
(beat)
All you do is complain about all
the shit that’s ever happened to
you. I live life motherfucker.
You’re going to die alone because
you can’t handle life.
Dick gets up and walks out. After sitting there for a minute,
Tom throws his glass against the wall.
58.
Dick lies in bed, staring at the ceiling.
He gets up to go to his desk. He opens a drawer and takes out

a photo album. He sits back down and looks through the
pictures.
He really only cares about the pictures of her. Jane.
He sees a piece of paper folded up and stuck between two

pages. He unfolds it to show a list.
“Things To Do With Jane”
A couple items have been crossed off but the majority remain.
10. Eat ice cream together.

9. Walk in the park during the Fall.
8. Find a secluded beach and have a picnic.
7. Lay in the grass together watching the clouds.
6. Meet her family.
5. Move in together.
4. Spend Christmas morning together.
3. Share a kiss at midnight on New Year’s.
2. Stay up all night and watch the sun rise together.
1. Get married and write a new list.
When he’s done he carefully folds it back up and places it

between the two pages.
INT. CAFE - DAY
Tom sits at a table, waiting. A single rose sits in front of

him.
He looks up. Sarah has arrived. He stands.

59.
TOM
Hi.
SARAH
Hello.
Awkward pause.
TOM
You hungry?
SARAH
No.
She sits and Tom follows suit.
TOM
Coffee?
SARAH
No.
Pause.
TOM
This is for you.
He hands her the rose. She begrudgingly accepts.
TOM (CONT’D)
First off, I want to apologize. I
was an asshole.
SARAH
Apology not accepted.
TOM
That’s fine, but hear me out.
Pause.
SARAH
Speak.
60.
TOM
I’ve never been good with
relationships. I panic too quickly.
I’m always thinking of myself and
never stop and think about someone
else. When I saw you in that movie
I could only look at the negatives.
I couldn’t put myself in your
place. It’s like you weren’t a real
person, you were a character. And I
didn’t want to hear your story.
It’s only my story that was
important. And now... Now you’re a
part of my story. It’s not even my
story anymore. It’s our story. And
it could be a great one.
Sarah has loosened up a bit.
TOM (CONT’D)
I’m here for you. I want to do
whatever it is you need.
(pause)
What do you want from me?
(pause)
Do you want my blood? Do you want
my tears? What do you want?
Sarah looks at him long and hard before responding.
SARAH
I’m not pregnant.
Pause.
TOM
Come again?
She gets up and leaves.
TOM (CONT’D)
Whoa.
61.
Tom knocks on Dick’s door. Dick opens and looks at Tom.
TOM
I’m sorry.
They share a moment. They don’t have to speak to other. Dick

puts his hand out and Tom shakes. Dick grabs him to give him
a bro hug.
DICK
So what’d Sarah have to say?
TOM
That’s she’s not actually pregnant.
DICK
You’re shitting me.
TOM
It’s the truth. She wanted to give
me some of my own medicine.
DICK
Ain’t that a bitch.
TOM
Taught me something though.
Dick looks at Tom, expectantly.
TOM (CONT’D)
Don’t fuck a stripper.
DICK
(scoffs)
Motherfucker. You bad.
They smile at each other.

62.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Tom and Julie on their first date.
JULIE
Tell me about yourself.
TOM
No. That’s not how we’re going to
do it.
JULIE
What?
TOM
We’re not doing the usual, boring,
get-to-know-you-chit-chat.
JULIE
What do we talk about then?
TOM
Things you wouldn’t normally tell
people on a first date. Things that
really tell us who we are.
JULIE
Like how? What our favorite movies
are or something?
TOM
No, no, no. No “favorite” type of
questions. No cliched questions at
all.
JULIE
What’s off-limits?
TOM
Favorite movies, music, books, etc.
What you studied in school. Your
dream job. Those types.
63.
Julie considers it.
JULIE
What if one of us asks a question
we don’t want to answer?
TOM
You have to answer.
JULIE
What if it’s something way too
personal for the first date?
Beat.
TOM
Ok. We can each deny two questions.
JULIE
Two? Why not just one?
TOM
In case you waste your first denial
on something meaningless.
Beat.
JULIE
Fair enough. You start it off.
Tom thinks. She really digs this.
TOM
Have you ever been involved in a
threesome?
JULIE
Wow. You went for the gold on that
one. No burying the lead for you.
(pause)
Before I answer I want to know your
reasoning for that to be question
one.
64.
TOM
It’ll tell me a lot.
JULIE
Such as?
TOM
I’ll know if you’re comfortable
discussing the subject of sex. And
not just regular sex, but dirty
taboo sex.
JULIE
And this is an important
personality trait in women for you?
TOM
Totally. I talk about dirty
disgusting shit all the time.
Double when I’m hanging out with
the boys. I’ve grossed out a lot of
gals because I didn’t know their
limits.
JULIE
You don’t have a set standard of
etiquette when on a date?
TOM
Nope.
(facetious)
Bitches need to know who I am right
off the bat.
JULIE
(laughs)
Wow.
TOM
Back to the question. Have you ever
been in a threesome?
Pause.
65.
JULIE
I’d have to say “kind of”.
TOM
“Kind of”? What is “kind of”?
Pause.
JULIE
I went to an orgy once.
Tom nearly dies.
TOM
Holy shit.
JULIE
Yup.
TOM
We need something stronger than
water here. You gotta give details
on this and it’ll be easier with
some sauce.
JULIE
(laughs)
I think I can tell it just fine.
TOM
All right, but I’m gonna need some
juice to hear this.
Tom waves for the WAITER.
WAITER
Yes sir?
TOM
Can I get a scotch on the rocks?
WAITER
Certainly.
66.
The Waiter goes off.
TOM
You gotta wait for my drink to tell
this.
JULIE
Helps build suspense.
TOM
Ask me a question in the meantime.
JULIE
Why?
TOM
There’s no way your first question
is going to top this. So we might
as well get this one over with.
Then we can go back to the
awesomeness of your orgy.
JULIE
Ok.
(thinks)
How many times have you been in
love?
Beat.
TOM
That’s it? That’s your number one?
JULIE
(shrugs)
It should tell a lot about you.
TOM
Touche.
The Waiter comes back with Tom’s drink. Tom takes a sip.
67.
TOM (CONT’D)
I’ve been in love three times. In
freshman year of high school I fell
hard for my best friend.
JULIE
This sounds interesting.
TOM
It was a girl. Beverly.
JULIE
Your best friend when you were 14
was a girl?
TOM
Yup. Tells a lot about me, huh?
Julie smiles.
TOM (CONT’D)
And then in senior year I was madly
in love with Amy. We went steady
almost the whole year. Dumped me a
week before prom. Bullshit move.
JULIE
Definitely.
TOM
Helen was my only adulthood love.
He takes another sip.
TOM (CONT’D)
Back to the main event. Details.
Pause.
JULIE
It was a college party. I was still
in high school though.
68.
TOM
How’d you get in?
JULIE
I went with my sister.
Pause.
TOM
I don’t know if this just got more
awesome or more disgusting.
JULIE
I know.
TOM
How the hell did you end up at an
orgy with your sister?
JULIE
She was always going to parties and
I wanted to go with her. We’re good
sisters so she took me along one
time, not knowing it was an orgy.
TOM
And you both took part?
Julie nods.
TOM (CONT’D)
An incestual orgy.
JULIE
We didn’t have sex with each other.
Perv.
TOM
Were you in the same room with each
other?
Julie blushes. She won’t answer. Tom gives her a “Hey, what
can I say?” shrug. She smiles.
69.
Tom takes it all in.
TOM (CONT’D)
We peaked at question one.
JULIE
You weirded out?
TOM
Oh fuck no. I’m about a hundred
times more attracted to you now.
Julie smiles.
TOM (CONT’D)
Your turn again.
She thinks.
JULIE
I got one that’s a bit scandalous.
TOM
Let’s keep the dirty ball rolling.
Hit me.
JULIE
Have you ever slept with a friend’s
girl?
Tom drinks.
TOM
You have found topic number one I
wish not to discuss.
JULIE
Ooh. That’s a bingo.
TOM
Not necessarily. It just means it’s
something I don’t want to talk
about.
70.
She can see he’s serious.
JULIE
Another day then?
TOM
(nods)
We gotta have things to talk about
on dates two and three.
Beat.
JULIE
I guess it’s your turn?
TOM
Sure.
Pause.
TOM (CONT’D)
If you could do one thing in life,
what would it be?
JULIE
Isn’t that a bit cliched?
TOM
Not at all. Most people ask about
dream jobs and goals in life. This
is pretty straight up. One thing
you’re allowed to.
JULIE
Anything at all?
Tom nods.
JULIE (CONT’D)
You’re going to laugh.
TOM
Prolly.
71.
JULIE
(dead serious)
I would go back in time and stop
George Lucas from making The
Phantom Menace.
Tom bursts out laughing.
TOM
You’re a Star Wars geek?!
JULIE
Hardcore.
TOM
Awesome.
JULIE
Thank you.
TOM
You can take that a step farther,
you know. Stop him from making the
Special Editions.
JULIE
(laughs)
True.
TOM
Or go back and stop him from
putting in the ewoks.
JULIE
No! Ewoks were great. They were the
perfect foil for the Empire.
TOM
What are you talking about? The
idea that the Empire crumbles due
to some midget wookiees is
retarded. That was the first sign
of his madness.
72.
JULIE
You’re wrong. The ewoks were the
only ones who could have pulled it
off. Storm Troopers see a bunch of
rebels and open fire immediately.
They see some furry bears and
think, “They don’t pose any threat.
No need to kill them.” Then bam!
Ewoks hit them with some logs.
TOM
I’ll give you that. I guess I’d
rather have ewoks than Jar-Jar.
Beat.
JULIE
So... what would you do?
TOM
Come again?
JULIE
You have the chance to do one
thing. What is it?
Pause.
TOM
To kiss you by the end of the
night.
JULIE
That’s not a very high goal.
TOM
I disagree. Plus, my wish is going
to come true.
They play a silent game of chicken, each one trying not blush
or laugh first.
73.
Tom finishes his drink.
TOM (CONT’D)
Let’s get out of here.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
They walk.
TOM
I suppose we can ask a trite
question or two now.
JULIE
What do you want to know?
TOM
What’s your favorite band?
Pause.
JULIE
The Beatles.
TOM
(laughs)
Fuck you.
JULIE
It’s true.
TOM
You’re not just saying that to mess
with my head?
JULIE
I was raised on sixties and
seventies rock and roll.
74.
TOM
Then you and I are a perfect. I
indulge in way too much Zeppelin
and Floyd. I should thank your
parents for raising you right I
guess.
Julie goes quiet.
TOM (CONT’D)
What?
JULIE
You just discovered a hot topic.
TOM
Oh shit. I’m sorry.
JULIE
Don’t worry about it.
They look at each other. Tom takes her hand. Looking into her
eyes make him feel right. Looking at him makes her glow.
They kiss. Ah, the first kiss. Always the most magical.
JULIE (CONT’D)
That was nice.
Tom smiles. They kiss again.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - TOM’S ROOM - NIGHT
Tom and Julie make out on his bed. Julie starts to take off
her shirt.
TOM
No. Don’t.
She stops.
75.
JULIE
What’s wrong?
He sits up.
TOM
Don’t be offended, but I don’t want
to have sex with you. I mean, I
would love to have with you. Just
not right now. Let’s not get sex
mixed up in all this. Yet.
Pause.
JULIE
Sounds good to me.
She puts her shirt back on. They kiss.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Dick is smoking. We see Tom and Julie come out of his room
and kiss goodbye.
TOM
I’ll call you.
JULIE
Can’t wait.
TOM
Bye.
She leaves. Tom comes into the kitchen. Dick starts clapping
slowly.
TOM (CONT’D)
We didn’t do it.
DICK
What the fuck?
76.
TOM
Nope.
Dick looks at him.
DICK
Good.
TOM
Thank you.
Pause.
DICK
You wanted to though, didn’t you?
TOM
Oh yeah.
SERIES OF SHOTS/MONTAGE
- Tom and Julie at the movies, making out.
- Tom and Julie eating ice cream, chatting about something.
- Tom and Julie in Tom’s room, listening to Rubber Soul on

vinyl.
Once again, Dick sits smoking as Tom comes out of his room.
DICK
So?
TOM
No sex. Just sleeping together.
77.
DICK
Lame.
(beat)
How was it?
TOM
Really nice.
Dick nods.
DICK
Let me give you some life-saving
advice.
TOM
Really? Life-saving?
DICK
100%.
(beat.)
When you and Julie do finally... go
through with it... put on “Purple
Rain”.
TOM
Prince?
DICK
Fuck yeah man. That album
transcends music. Absolutely the
best album to listening to when
getting down.
TOM
You have it?
DICK
Of course. And because this is
something very important I’m gonna
give you my near mint vinyl copy.
TOM
Damn. Thanks man.
78.
Pause.
DICK
Also. After you guys’ve gotten to
know one another--sexually--you
should use “Dirty Mind”. Another
Prince album.
TOM
Which one’s better?
DICK
“Purple Rain” by far. But like I
say, when you’re used to each
other’s rhythm, put on “Dirty Mind”
and...
Dick moans as if having an orgasm.
DICK (CONT’D)
Oh yeah.
He signs from relief. He makes us believe he really did just

shoot a load. He lights up another cigarette.
Tom, Julie, Dick a COUPLE FRIENDS sit and chat. There’s Paul
and his girlfriend BETTY, JIMMY and his girl KAREN. All in
their 20s.
PAUL
So I left the bar. Totally shit
faced. My house was close by so I
figured I’d just walk home. On the
way I had to take a piss.
JIMMY
Alleyway?
79.
PAUL
Alleyway. I finish up and continue
home. I pass by this chick and she
takes one look at me and gasps. I’m
thinking she’s checking me out.
Paul stands up and gets more animated.
PAUL (CONT’D)
So I decide to do my pimp walk.
Because I’m all drunk it’s not that
smooth.
He demonstrates. Some laughs.
PAUL (CONT’D)
She runs away. I took it in stride
and continue on my way. Along the
way I realize my crotch is cold,
yet my face isn’t.
DICK
Let me guess. You pissed your
pants.
PAUL
Nope. I stop and try to figure it
out.
(in the moment)
“All right. It’s hot up north and
cold down south. It’s kind of like
when you get on a place. It’s warm
in the plane and usually cold when
you land. Altitude. My head is at a
higher altitude than my junk.
Cool.”
(back to normal)
I continue walking and I see a
trail of blood.
KAREN
Ew.
80.
PAUL
So I decide I’m gonna be all
Sherlock Holmes and shit. I follow
the trail, I find this dude bent
over looking like he lost a fight.
I step up right next to him.
He puts out his hand, a few inches from his crotch.
PAUL (CONT’D)
This is where his face is.
Some laughs.
PAUL (CONT’D)
I say “Hey man need any help?” He
gets all freaked out, “No! Get away
from me!” I’m kind of offended and
walk away, thinking why he didn’t
want me help. Maybe it was a racist
thing.
BETTY
Yeah right.
PAUL
Then I had a moment of Zen. My
crotch was cold. That chick freaked
out at my pimp walk. The dude could
barely look at me. I looked down.
(pause)
My junk was hanging out.
Laughter.
BETTY
That’s disgusting!
TOM
Hilarious.
Paul sits back down, laughing along.

81.
JIMMY
I got a story for you.
PAUL
Do it.
JIMMY
All right, my buddy Simon--Paul,
you know who I’m talkin’ about,
right?
PAUL
Geah.
JIMMY
So he tells me that he loves to
give oral to the ladies. He’s
talking how he can pick up any
chick he wants just by telling her
how good he is at oral.
KAREN
Whatever.
JIMMY
I know, right? So I call bullshit,
make a bet with him that he can’t
do it. We go out to the bar, he’s
trying it out, eventually he meets
this girl and goes home with her.
DICK
Did he use the line?
JIMMY
That’s what he says, but he’s a
crafty motherfucker so I wouldn’t
be surprised to find out he bribed
her or some shit.
PAUL
Hell geah.
82.
JIMMY
So like a week or so later he tells
me that this girl, Jessica I think
her name was, has been referring
him to all her friends and he’s
been hooking up non-stop. This
fucking guy goes diving every night
like he’s Cousteau. His phone is
blowing up non-stop. He said he has
the Midas Tongue.
BETTY
You got his number?
PAUL
The fuck?
BETTY
If you don’t improve your game, I’m
giving him a call.
PAUL
Shit I’ll call his ass myself, get
you off my back.
Betty punches Paul in the arm, semi-playfully.
Silence as sips are taken.
KAREN
So, Tom, Julie. How are you two
doing?
Tom and Julie look at each other.
JULIE
Good.
TOM
Yeah. Good.
Beat.
83.
KAREN
Good.
Sexual tension here.
JIMMY
It’s all right Tom, you don’t have
to give your whole life story right
now.
TOM
(smiles)
Yeah you know how I am.
Pause.
JULIE
We haven’t fucked yet.
Tom’s a little embarrassed. Dick laughs.
PAUL
That’s all cool.
KAREN
(to Julie)
Are you super religious or
something?
JULIE
Far from it. It’s Tom’s choice.
PAUL
What the fuck son?
Dick laughs more.
BETTY
(to Paul)
See, not everybody’s a pig.
PAUL
Yeah, just me right?
84.
JIMMY
What’s the hold up?
TOM
Eh I just... I had a bad experience
and I don’t want to ruin what I
have.
He takes Julie’s hand.
Tom and Dick are cruising.
DICK
You scared you can’t perform?
TOM
Nope. Never been a problem.
DICK
You give good oral?
TOM
As far as I know.
DICK
Ever made Helen come?
TOM
Who knows. Female orgasms are like
rocket science.
DICK
This is true. You think she faked
some?
TOM
I’m sure of it. There were times I
wasn’t even trying and she was all
moaning and shit.
85.
TOM (CONT’D)
I faked an orgasm once.
DICK
No shit?
TOM
Totally. I was tired and it wasn’t
happening, so I faked it.
DICK
Why didn’t you just change your
style or something.
TOM
Didn’t give a shit.
(beat)
How often would Jane fake?
DICK
Never.
TOM
Bullshit.
DICK
Nope. But I’m not saying I gave her
an orgasm every time, fuck no. One
time I was eating her out and when
I looked up she was texting.
Tom laughs. Dick joins in for a moment.
He reflects on another memory.
DICK (CONT’D)
I was a shitty boyfriend.
(pause)
One time she was texting me saying
she was all horny, wanting some
phone sex or whatever.
86.
DICK (CONT’D)
I replied back, “You got fingers.
Use them.”
TOM
Ouch.
Pause.
DICK
Jane loved facials.
TOM
Like skin cleansing?
DICK
Nah man. Not like fucking skin
cleansing.
Tom gets it.
TOM
Damn. She liked that?
Dick nods, smiles dirtily.
TOM (CONT’D)
Helen never fucked with the lights
on.
DICK
That’s a shame man.
TOM
We had sex lots of times, I went
down on her like once or twice a
week. Yet I have no clue what her
vagina looks like.
(beat)
One time I was able to talk her
into doing it in the morning. First
time I had a clear view of her
tits.
87.
Dick laughs at a memory.
DICK
One time we were playing “Mortal
Kombat” and she put down the
controller and gave me a blow job.
I kept playing the game while she
was doing it and after I minute I
stopped her. I said, “You just got
your ass handed to you. Play like
you mean it.”
Pause.
TOM
That’s fucked up.
DICK
Yep.
(beat)
But we had a lot of good times.
(beat)
When I first saw her it was like
there was a glow surrounding her.
As if God was shining a light down
to point her out to me. She was
talking to her friend at the record
store. After looking at her for
about five seconds she looked up,
real slow. She saw me and smiled.
(beat)
I think she saw a light as well.
(pause)
Good times.
Silence.
88.
INTT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - TOM’S ROOM - NIGHT
Tom and Julie lay in each other’s arms naked under their
covers. “Purple Rain” plays from Tom’s turntable.
They stare into each other’s eyes. It’s obvious they just
made love. Tom caresses Julie’s hair.
Dick smokes as Tom comes in.
DICK
Julie hasn’t left yet?
TOM
Nope.
DICK
Did it happen?
TOM
Yup.
DICK
Beautiful.
TOM
I know.
Pause.
DICK
“Purple Rain”?
TOM
“Purple Fucking Rain”. You a
genius.
DICK
I know.
89.
INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - MORNING
The shower is running with the curtain closed, blocking our

view of who’s inside. Tom stands at the sink flossing.
The shower turns off. Julie’s hand comes out and feels for a
towel. It’s wet. She sticks her head out.
JULIE
Can you hand me a towel?
TOM
What about that one?
JULIE
It’s wet. I’d like a dry towel if
you please. Exactly like the one
next to you.
TOM
Come on out here and get it.
JULIE
You’d like that wouldn’t you?
TOM
Eh.
JULIE
Shut up and hand me my towel.
Tom grabs a towel from the rack and hands it to her. She
closes the curtain.
Tom waits a second. He opens the curtain and sticks his head
in.
TOM
Boo!
JULIE
Get out of here!
90.
Tom laughs playfully and returns to the sink. Julie comes out
with the towel wrapped around her.
JULIE (CONT’D)
You’re deranged.
TOM
I thought that’s why you loved me.
Julie smiles.
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Tom, Dick and Julie enter.
DICK
All right where are these ball
sacs?
PAUL (O.S.)
Yo Dick!
Dick turns towards the bar to see Paul and Joker.
DICK
My boys!
They all go over to them.
PAUL
My Caucasian!
Paul and Dick chest bump.
TOM
(to Joker)
So this is the place you can’t shut
up about.
91.
JOKER
(drunk)
I’m telling you man, this shits is
transdental.
TOM
Huh?
JOKER
I don’t know man. I think I learned
that from a napkin.
Tom goes to order the drinks.
JULIE
This place is hot!
In a different part of the club...
Wonder Bread and Andres are hanging out. Wonder Bread is

teaching Andres how to pick up chicks.
WONDER BREAD
All you gotsta say is “Ay baby
slide on ova ‘nd take a ride in my
love machine.”
Andres nods and turns to a nearby HOTTIE.
ANDRES
Ay vavy, slide on oba ‘nd take a
ride in my luv macheen.
The Hottie smiles and gulps the rest of her drink. Andres
holds his arm out for her and they start to walk out.
ANDRES (CONT’D)
(to Wonder Bread)
Geah geah mang!
Andres and Wonder Bread high five.

92.
Back to the main event...
Paul hits Dick on the shoulder to get his attention.
PAUL
Dude check this chick out.
Paul points to a beautiful FILIPINO WOMAN.
DICK
Praise Jeebus.
PAUL
I’m gonna go ask her to dance.
DICK
Betcha twenty bucks she turns you
down.
PAUL
You’re on.
Paul walks over to her.
DICK
Tom come check this out.
Tom and Julie come over. Tom hands Dick a beer.
DICK (CONT’D)
Paul’s about to lose twenty
dollars.
They all watch. We can’t hear what’s said but it’s obvious
Paul bombs.
He comes back to them and hands Dick a 20.
PAUL
She must be a dyke.
DICK
Fuck no man.
93.
PAUL
You think you can get her on the
floor?
DICK
Double down.
PAUL
It’s on.
DICK
This calls for divine intervention.
Watch and learn little boy.
Dick puts down his drink and walks over to her.
JULIE
(to Paul)
You got burned.
PAUL
Fuck that guy.
Dick approaches the Woman.
DICK
Kumusta?
WOMAN
(impressed)
You speak Tagalog?
DICK
I know a little.
WOMAN
What’s your name?
DICK
Dick.
94.
WOMAN
(giggling)
Dick?
DICK
I know, it’s funny to me too.
What’s your name.
WOMAN
Cherrine.
DICK
That’s beautiful. Sounds like
“serene”.
She smiles.
DICK (CONT’D)
Would you care to dance?
CHERRINE
Sure.
Dicks holds out his hand for her and she takes it. They get
up and go out to the dance floor.
As they dance Dick seems like a different man. He’s not

trying to grab on her. He legitimately likes her.
Paul watches in shock.
PAUL
Bald motherfucker.
He hands a twenty to Tom.
TOM
I’ll pass it along.
They both watch Dick, aka Mr. Smoove, dance with Cherrine. At
the end of the song Dick talks in her ear.
95.
TOM (CONT’D)
(to Julie)
Just watch. Now they’ll go to the
bathroom together.
Nope. Cherrine takes Dick’s phone and punches in her number.
TOM (CONT’D)
What the fuck?
Dick walks back to them.
DICK
She’s hot baby!
TOM
Dude look at you. Smooth as a
motherfucker.
PAUL
That was legit.
TOM
Why ain’t you violating her in a
dirty place right now?
DICK
This one’s different.
They look at each other. He means it.
TOM
That’s great.
Dick drinks his beer. Jamal comes up to them.
JAMAL
PAUL
Jamal it’s fucking February.
96.
TOM
Yeah shut the fuck up about the
goddamned Dodgers. We all know they
suck balls.
Jamal is deflated.
JAMAL
I’m just saying is all. Fuck ‘em.
Jamal leaves.
DICK
A’s for life motherfucker!
Dick continues drinking but sees someone.
DICK (CONT’D)
Oh that motherlover. Tom
Dick hits Tom’s arm and points.
At the other side of the dance floor two guys, AARON and
MIKE, try to flirt with some girls.
DICK (CONT’D)
Aaron. Cheese dick, ball loving, no
pussy gettin’, serial rapist
wannabe MOTHERFUCKER.
TOM
And there’s Mike, the twat looking
sonuvabitch dick hole who started
the whole blowjob rumor.
DICK
Let’s kick their asses.
Tom looks to Julie. Will she protest?
JULIE
Take those pricks down.
97.
TOM
I love you.
(to Paul)
You got our backs?
PAUL
Word like a motherfucker. Joker!
Joker comes over drunk as all hell.
PAUL (CONT’D)
We steppin’ on some cock-a-roaches.
Joker immediately sobers up.
JOKER
Let’s do this.
The four of them walk over.
DICK
Aaron!
Aaron looks up.
AARON
Oh shit.
Dick punches him right in the jaw.
Tom takes a swing at Mike. Connects. Mike falls to the floor.
Paul and Joker help them drag the douchebags up.
TOM
Outside.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Aaron and Mike try to fight but they’re helpless. Dick, Tom,
Paul and Joker beat the fuck out of these guys. Scorsese
style.
98.
Aaron and Mike lay bloody on the ground.
Dick spits on Aaron.
JOKER
Boom! Done.
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
The victorious crew walks back in.
JULIE
What’s the verdict?
DICK
We took those mama--those fools
back to their mamas.
Dick fucked up the line. Tom gets noticeably irked.
TOM
Goddammit John!
The fourth wall has been broken. “Tom” has dropped character
and becomes SEAN NEGLEY.
SEAN
How many times have I told you to
learn your fucking lines?!
The music stops. All the EXTRAS in the background look

towards the main actors.
“Dick” breaks character and becomes JOHN MARA.
JOHN
Fuck you man! This shit is hard.
SEAN
Motherfucker get with the program.
99.
JOHN
Man you ain’t shit without me! This
whole fucking movie is because of
me.
SEAN
Fuck you I wrote this shit.
JOHN
You stole my life motherfucker!
“PAUL”
Guys guys guys. This is the last
scene. This ain’t how we want to go
out.
“Joker” nods. Sean and John look to each other.
SEAN
All right my bad.
JOHN
We cool.
They bump fists.
SEAN
Let’s get into character.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Still rolling. We ready? Music.
The music comes back on.
DIRECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Background.
The Extras continue.
DIRECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Action!
100.
JULIE
So what’s the verdict?
DICK
We took some mama fools back to
their homes.
One again John fucked up the line. Sean breaks character.
SEAN
Fuck! This is fucking bullshit! I
quit this shit. Peace assholes.
He storms out. Nobody knows what to do.
JOHN
Ain’t that a bitch.
“PAUL”
Fuck that guy.
JOHN
I’m taking writing credit for this
shit. I don’t care about that
bitch.
Pause.
“JULIE”
Let’s get fucking drunk.
CUT TO BLACK.

Tom and Dick (Screenplay)

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Tom and Dick (Screenplay)

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TOM AND DICK

JOHN MARA & SEAN NEGLEY

First Draft(s) - 2009

EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT

We’re in the straight up ghetto. Oakland, CA. But this ain’t

A car pulls up in the parking lot. It’s a puke green 1998

DICK STEVENS exits the driver’s side. Dick is a 48 year old

TOM MARKS steps out of the passenger door. Tom is an

INT. LIQUOR STORE

They walk toward the back.

They pay for their booze as they continue the conversation.

EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The camera tracks the car as it drives.

TITLE SEQUENCE. “Big Sky” by The Reverend Horton Heat plays.

Continue as they go inside.

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They head toward the couch as they continue their dialogue.

They clink drinks and sit back.

END TITLE SEQUENCE.

Tom’s natural instinct is to argue with this, but he knows

EXT. STREET - NIGHT - AN HOUR LATER

Tom rolls a shopping cart full of booze up to their house.

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom comes in carrying a case of beer and a fifth of vodka.

Dick is in the kitchen. Tom walks through, squeezing himself

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Dick lights a shot of Bacardi 151 and hands it to a PARTY-

Dick looks at the booze.

CHEERS and YELLING.

More CHEERS. Dick turns back to Tom.

INT/EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - NIGHT - PARTY SEQUENCE

Drinking. We’re talking deadly alcohol consumption.

Drinking games. Quarters. Asshole. King’s Cup.

Chill. To the max.

EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

Dick is schooling some PREPPY MOTHERFUCKER in a chugging

Dick slams his glass on the table.

Paul gets all up in the Preppy Motherfucker’s face.

The Preppy Motherfucker and his FRIEND walk away.

Paul fist bumps Dick.

In the background is a white boy named JAMAL. He wears an SF

Nobody pays attention to him.

Dick lights up a smoke and looks around.

He sees a bevy of HOT BITCHES.

Dick walks over to the Hot Bitches.

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They’re playing “GoldenEye” on an original N64. Tom is

Stoners proceed to get the fuck out.

Tom sits back and sips his drink.

She looks around.

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - DICK’S ROOM - NIGHT

INT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Sarah laughs a little bit as he finishes his drink. A new

EXT. TOM AND DICK’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

Paul and Wonder Bread speak in slang heavily. Their dialogue

WONDER BREAD SUBTITLES

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