I had been in love.

At least I knew I had been but the feelings were already lost. I could not remember even the slight tingle
of love. I knew my heart stopped working when he left me but why did it still ache?

"I am going."

I looked up to see my fellow who was about to leave. I glanced at the clock only to see it was ten past
six. Overtime? Or overthinking of things?

"I am going, too. You go ahead. I will still fix my things."

"Okay. Take care. See you tomorrow!"

And I was left alone, once more. I heaved a deep sigh and started to fix my things. A day was about to
pass, again. I wondered. How could I live like this? My heart just died. But thinking of him woke the pain
once more.

Wake up, self. Wake up.

My mind scolded me for the nth time. I should stop thinking about him. How could I move on if the
memories still lingered? Was he happy? I hope so. Was he thinking of me? I hope so.

I traipsed out the building, without thinking of going home. My mind went blank the moment I stepped
outside. My eyes watered. My feelings gloomed. My heart sank out. Memories flashed before my eyes.
He was waiting while casually leaning on his car; his eyes were sparkling while looking at mine; he was
grinning like he did something outrageous and he did not want me to find out.

I abruptly stopped walking and let the tears fall down. I was hurting. The recollection was just too
dismal, thinking that it would never happen again. His smiles, his eyes, his everything, when would I
meet him again?

I unconsciously raised a hand for a taxi. Fortunately, it was vacant and so I rode. I told my destination to
the driver and let everything fall back on my haywire thoughts.

How many had it been? Three? Five? No. Six long years since my heart died. Six long years of thinking of
the what if's. Six long years of lurking behind a happy facade. Six long years of surviving without purpose
in life. How frustrating. I tried to end my monochromatic life for alot of times. However, I ended up still
breathing and aching emotionally. I asked people around me of the things I could do just to forget my
past. They answered me to just move on and forget the past. If I could not forget, I needed to embrace it
and let go, then move forward. I tried. I tried! But still, it was still there. The pain was still lingering.
Every part of my being ached from his presence. How could I forget my lofe? He was my life!

People could never understand the pain unless they already experience it firsthand. They would never
grasp the situation unless they were on it. It was gruelling to explain my side for all they listened and
saw were just my facade. I stopped talking about this. I pretended I was okay. They did not disturb me at
all.

The taxi stopped at the entrance of where he was living. Could I face him with this mindset? I held my
bag so close before I paid for the ride. I showed my ID to the guard who just gave a small smile, as if
assuring that everything would be fine after I got out of this place.

My pace was calm. I willed myself to walk with this pace for I wanted him to see how happy I had been,
that I had endured six excrutiating years before I face him with a calm mind. I would cry no more. I
would feel my heart dying for a hundred times no more. I would be brave. I had hopes he would be
happy to see me, too. I just missed him so much.

After a while, I sat down. I placed my bag near his epitaph. My hand automatically laced over his
engraved name. I smiled and talked for a moment before I opened my bag to get something that would
make me see him again.

I was not a coward. I did hide my pain in purpose of deciding on the next step I would be doing. I was
never happy, too. I was never the same woman who had a sunshine around. I lost my smiles, my
laughters, my being when he left me without even saying goodbye.

"I want to see you now. I badly miss you. Will you take me now?" I expected myself to tear up. But it did
not happen. I felt... contented. It seemed that my body agreed to what I was thinking. I did not feel
weird at all. Mayhap this was a sign. I believed it was. And so, I drank what had been in the bottle.
Finally, in less than a moment, I thought I saw him. He was not smiling though. But I did not care
anymore. I could see him now!

ER Baguinaon

03222021

7:14 pm