Stand Up to Hurtful Family Members

FROM THE WEBMD ARCHIVES 

By Hayley Krischer

While one of the simplest ways to deal with bullies is to avoid them... that's not always
possible. Sometimes they live in your house. Sometimes they're even related to you -- by
blood.

Dysfunctional family dynamics are often written off as "That's just the way my family is."
But you don't have to let yourself be manipulated, or tolerate abusive behavior. Instead,
hold your ground with these strategies:

Good: Don't Play The Victim

Your older sister has been tormenting you for years about the way you look. (The size of
your nose. Or your butt. Or the way you dress.) Sometimes she even smacks you, though
she says she's "just playing." You've learned to accept her hurtful words and behavior over
the years; after all, what else can you do? She's treated you that way since the day you
were born.

The hard truth? According to a study published in Pediatrics, aggression between young
siblings can escalate into adult bullying. If that's the case for you, well... now that you’re an
adult, you can defend yourself. “Don’t play the game,” says Janice Harper, Ph.D., a
cultural anthropologist specializing in conflict. Instead, take the Dog Whisperer's approach
when it comes to your pack... uh, family: Be calm and assertive à la Cesar Millan. "Let the
[bullying] family member know you love them, but that you won’t be a target," Harper says.
"Don’t engage in self-defense, and don’t engage in counterattacks.” Example: Your sibling
says, "Everyone in the family knows you've always been spoiled rotten." You say...
nothing. You don’t respond. You just stay calm and keep doing what you were doing.

Better: Don't Accept The Silent Treatment

According to Harper, one of the most common forms of family bullying is shunning -- better
known as the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. “Shunning is cruel, unnecessary and
pointless,” she says. Don’t mistake it as a break from the abuse -- and don’t let the bully
get away with it. Instead, keep speaking to the bully at family functions, including him or
her as best you can and ignoring the fact that they're pretending to ignore you. Attempt to
talk to them and resolve the conflict, but if they refuse to respond-- or try to shift
accountability to you or someone else -- move on and don’t engage. This isn’t a return of
the silent treatment; this is you allowing the conversation to end on your terms.
Best: Protect Yourself
First things first: Shunning and bullying are abuse. “Any family member who encourages
others to shun you is not only abusing you, but damaging your relationships with other
family members,” says Harper. The longer the shunning or bullying persists, the harder it
is to break the cycle. The strongest tactic? Distance yourself from the bully -- even if he or
she is your parent. “Let them know you will not participate in your own abuse,” says
Harper. Use your words to create a strict boundary: "I’m not going to tolerate this behavior.
I’m not going to be around you until you treat me with dignity and compassion." Don’t call.
Don’t visit. Don’t bad-mouth them to others. And though this might sound odd, don’t
defend yourself. Why? Because bullies need you to react to their behavior in order to keep
that behavior going. “[Reacting] only leads to arguments,” says Harper. “You have to
protect yourself emotionally.” So stand your ground -- and in the meantime, surround
yourself with the friends and family members who do support you.

WebMD Feature from Turner Broadcasting System

© Turner Broadcasting System, Inc.