1. What are the behaviors and actions that you have done that you are ashamed of?

How have you treated

others? I am ashamed that I have treated my loved ones like they held no value
in my life. I belittled them and traeted them like an enemy and pushed them into
giving into my will and my way. I hurt them because I was hurt, I hated them
becaused they loved me enough to tell me what I was doing hurt them or made them
scared and because I was ashamed I lashed out in anger and vented my frustration
with selfdestructive behavior that said I dont care.
How have these behaviors and actions impacted you and others? Who are they and what
did you do? This has impacted my sence of self. With the realization that in my
selfishness and in my addiction I honestly didnt care about anyone other than me. I
scares me because i convinced myself that I was just and honest and deserving. It
hurt the people I proffessed to love, My mom ,My kids , my significant other. I
called them all stupid fools who dont know a damn thing about me or my life or my
decisions. I gave them anger and hurt and spite for loving me when I knew that I
was unworthy of their love.
What did acting this way get you? acting this way allowed me to stay angery and
justify the misery I put myself thru. It gave me the ability to lie cheat and
steeal and get high and deal with the pain I felt for being so cruel.
2. What are they painful memories that you wish to keep buried? Why are they
painful? . The most painful memory is Giving up on myself and being a father. I
abandon my child to a mother who was just as selfish as myself. I gave up on being
a good person because it wouldnt allow me to get high and steal or cheat. They are
painful because they are to me the epitimy of someone who does not care or love and
is bealry human. It was the oposite of everything that was once important to me
How have these memories impacted your using? What is the payoff for keeping these
beliefs buried? These memories and festered inside me like an absess wound. The
fevers of anxioty mixed with bouts of jelousy and anger held me captive to the
drugs that numbed the pain I was hiding from. The pay off was deserved pain and
hurt.
3. What are the beliefs you have about yourself (good or bad) which you dare not
let anyone know? a belief about myself that I dont show or share with others is :
no matter how I do now in this program I will fall and fail and forget how to get
back up. Why do you feel this way? I feel this way because I see people who have
graduated and completed programs go right back to who and where they were before
soberity.
for having these beliefs? The pay off now for this feeling is determination not to
be a statistic. Where others have faid I will win. It can be done and I am capable
4. What are the feelings or emotions that you have come to believe you should not
and cannot express? Any and or all emotion. What happened to make you believe this
way? The street life, Prison, The system, People by and large. What is the payoff
for not expressing your feelings to others? The ability to be who ever how ever and
why ever I ever need to survive.