What Makes a Good Friend?

9 Characteristics

Proverbs
Free Sunday School Lessons
Note to the teacher: Before preparing this lesson, What Makes a Good
Friend? please read our approach to planning a Sunday School Lesson.

This lesson has the same format as our lesson planning sheet.

In preparing your lesson, we suggest that you:

1. Print the lesson planning sheet.

2. Read the Bible passage.
3. Fill in your lesson planning sheet.

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along side as you read the lesson. The progression will make more sense.

What Makes a Good Friend?

Bible Passage: Proverbs

The human need this passage meets is: To learn how to be a good friend

Learning Goals: By the end of this session, each learner should be able to. . .

(Know) Identify the qualities that Proverbs considers essential to being a good friend.

(Feel) Feel the need to be a better friend.

(Do) Identify one way he needs to be a better friend and one action step to improve.

Hook
Turn to the people around you and tell what you consider to be the #1 quality of what
makes a good friend.

In one of Charles Schulz's comic strips "good ol' Charlie Brown" pays one of
his frequent visits to Lucy's five-cent sidewalk psychiatric stand. With a look
of complete dejection on his face, Charlie says to his would-be counselor, ". .
.And so I can't help it. I feel lonely, depressed."

Lucy immediately jumps to the occasion with some needed encouragement

for Charlie. "This is ridiculous!" she insists. "You should be ashamed of
yourself, Charlie Brown! You've got the whole world to live in!" she
continues. "There's beauty all around you! There are things to do. Great
things to be accomplished! No man treads the earth alone! We are all
together- one generation taking up where the other generation has left off!"

Slowly a smile spreads across Charlie's face as Lucy's words begin to sink in.
"You're right, Lucy! You're right! You've made me see things differently, I
realize now that I am part of the world. I am not alone. I have friends!"

Lucy quickly replies, "Name one!"

Transition

Everyone needs friends. It is the second most basic relationship in life. Jesus said that the
two most important commandments are to love God with all your heart and love your
neighbor as yourself. We often experience God's love through the love of a friend. People
usually don't care if they have a friend in Jesus until they see that they have a friend in
us. Proverbs clearly tells us what makes a good friend - how to develop and maintain
meaningful friendships.

Bible Input and Life Application

#1. What makes a good friend? Faithfulness. Friends do not desert each other
when times are bad.

Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 27:10 - Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to
your brother's house when disaster strikes you - better a neighbor nearby than a brother
far away.

One of the greatest friendships in the Bible was that of David and Jonathan.
When Jonathan's father, King Saul hated David so much that he wanted to
kill him, Jonathan protected David. I Samuel 20:30-31 - Saul's anger flared
up at Jonathan and he said to him, "You son of a perverse and rebellious
woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own
shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? As long as the son of
Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established."

Then in verse 33, Saul hurled his spear at him (Jonathan) to kill him.

Even with the loss of his future kingship, his relationship with his father, and David
the potential loss of life, Jonathan remained loyal to David. understood
that
Jonathan
was a true and loyal friend. He was a worshiper of the true God. In Psalm 119:63 it
says, “I am a friend to all who fear you, to all who follow your precepts.” Those who
fear God (which is a reverence and high respect for God) are good companions and
make excellent friends. You will soon discover that their godly values will rub off on
you and these types of friends can be accountability partners to each other. “The
fear of the Lord – that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding” (Prov. 28:28).

Friends are those that stick with you during the hard times. Trials and adversity can
usually separate true friends from those who are just fair-weather friends. Why?
Because, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity”
(Prov. 17:17). Jonathan and David had one of the greatest friendships ever known.
So much so that, “Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as
himself” (I Sam. 18:3). When I married my wife, I married my best friend. In fact,
it is recommending for betrothed or engaged couples to become friends first and
foremost, before they get married. This type of friendship is an image of the
relationship that Christ has for the church. A relationship where He literally died for
His bride. In this same way, a friend loves his or her friend as they love themselves
– through thick and thin, sickness and health, poverty and wealth.

#2. What makes a good friend? Keeping confidences. Friends do not gossip.

Proverbs 16:28 - A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 11:13 - A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
As a friend you'll know details and secrets of your friend's life. Friends do not
gossip. Gossip is telling detrimental things about another person to someone
who is not a part of the problem or the solution.

Friends know when to tell someone else (such as in cases of abuse) and
when to keep confidences.

Example: The teleserye entitled “ang sa iyo ay akin”.

Most of us would agree that gossip is nasty. It hurts to be talked about by people you
consider friends. Yet, how many of us shut down gossip the minute we hear it? If we're
really honest with ourselves, I'll bet many of us would agree that sometimes gossip makes
us feel good, at least temporarily.

Once our friends find out we blabbed out of school, we won't feel so great about it. Or
imagine when we have to tell them about a mutual friend who is disrespecting them by
gossiping. Not a fun conversation to have.

Gossip is something that can forever change a friendship, and even prevent you from
making new friends in the future.

Gossip Makes You Look Bad

If you’re the one gossiping, other people who don’t know you will shy away from being your
friend. If you talk behind one friend’s back, the perception is that you will do that to
anyone. Plus, you never know if the person you're gossiping to is pals with the one you're
trashing.

Friendship is about likability and trust, and if you show that one of those components is
missing, you’ll have a harder time making friends. The next time you feel the need to talk
about a friend, take a moment to understand why. Do you think spreading gossip will help
make you stand out? Do you believe it will give the perception that you're "in the know"?

Make you have a friend who is always trying to get you to gossip. It can be hard (and
awkward) to say no and move on to something else. When you have the urge to blurt
something out, give yourself a timeout. Pause. Take a breath, and then re-think what you
were about to say.

Confronting a Friend Who Has Gossiped About You

If you confide in a friend and then realize your trust was misplaced, this will forever change
your relationship. Once trust is gone, it has to be rebuilt over time. You may decide that you
do not want to give your friend another chance, and this will end your relationship. Perhaps
the person that gossiped was not your friend to begin with.

If you do go forward with your friendship, you'll need to make sure your friend knows that
talking out of turn won't be tolerated. Perhaps your friend believed that what she shared
was common knowledge. If you choose to give her another chance, do it with a clear
indication that you don't talk about people behind their backs, and you expect the same
from your friend. You might need to hold your pal at arm’s length for a bit until trust is
restored.

How to Stop Gossiping

If you hear someone gossiping, set an example of how to behave. Even you don’t know the
person being talked about, change the subject or walk away. Don’t let the poor behavior of
someone else ruin your reputation as a good friend.

#3. What makes a good friend? Kindness. Friends do not carry jokes or pranks too
far.

Proverbs 26:18-19 - Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who
deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!"

Fathers can help their children by teaching them the difference between a joke or harmless
prank and going too far.

“Nobody ever died from a prank” is a commonly heard sentiment among jokesters. The truth is that
people have died from pranks, and many people and property are hurt or damaged daily. Sometimes
the damage is permanent. When someone dies because of a prank, it has gone too far.

Such was the case for 18-year-old Premila Lal, who was shot accidentally by a family friend while
pulling a prank on him. She died Sept. 6. Her friend, 21-year-old Nerrek Galley, is being held with
multiple charges pending while police investigate.

While many people pull pranks so they can video and upload them to the Internet on YouTube, Vine
and other social media sites, it has become so common that there are multiple TV shows promoting
pranking. Sometimes the pranks are funny, but more often they are harmful, inappropriate or sexual.
When someone’s home is trashed, property is damaged or a person is injured, endangered or afraid
for their life, the prank has become an actual threat.

#4. What makes a good friend? Do not co-sign for each other. Friends encourage
each other to live within their means.

*cosign means- sign (a loan or lease) jointly with another person in order to
guarantee payment.

Money is often being a cause of bitterness between close friends.

Proverbs 6:1-5 - My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have struck
hands in pledge for another, if you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the
words of your mouth, then do this my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your
neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor! Allow no
sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of
the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler.
Proverbs 17:18 - A man lacking in judgment strikes hands in pledge and puts up security
for his neighbor.

When you co-sign, you accept responsibility for the debts of others. When you co-sign you
are enabling your friend to buy something he cannot afford. The Bible calls that "putting up
security" or being "surety."

When we were first married, we decided to buy a vacuum cleaner. Even

though we had the money to buy it, the salesman told us that we could delay
the payment for three months if we put it on credit. We thought that was a
good idea. Why pay for it now if we can wait three months? The problem was
that they wouldn't qualify us for the payment plan since we didn't have a
credit history. Neither of us had ever had a credit card. The salesman
suggested that we ask someone to co-sign the loan. So, we asked a Christian
friend. Fortunately for us, he knew the teaching of Proverbs better than we
did. He showed us these verses and refused to co-sign. We were grateful for
the Biblical instruction and bought the vacuum cleaner with cash. Our friend
knew what makes a good friend.

Often people pledge themselves to be responsible for their friend's debt. This is a recipe for
disaster. Friendship is strained.

It is best to encourage your friends to buy only what they can afford. When someone wants
something they can't afford, encourage them to save until they can buy it. If your friend is
truly in need, it is better to give them a gift rather than to loan or co-sign.

#5. What makes a good friend? Generosity. Friends do not turn away when their
friend is in need.

Proverbs 3:28 - Do not say to your neighbor, "Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow" -
when you now have it with you.

We have all been given the same amount of time - 24 hours a day. Even with
our busy lives, it amazes me how many people have time to give to their
friends. When my wife was sick for a prolonged period of time many friends
helped us. They brought in meals, did the ironing, ran errands and prayed for
us. Many hours were given. Did they have nothing else to do? Were their
days empty? I don't think so. These were acts of friendship.

#6. What makes a good friend? Forgiveness. Friends do not seek revenge.

Proverbs 24:29 - Do not say, "I'll do to him as he has done to me; I'll pay that man back
for what he did."

Proverbs 20:22 - Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and he
will deliver you.

Our fallen human nature says, "Don't get mad - get even." Jesus says we must forgive - not
7 times, but 70 X 7. Other than Jesus, every friend is imperfect. We must be ready to
forgive our friends, just like they have to forgive us.

Read Genesis 37:12-36. What did Joseph’s brothers do to him that could have caused
Joseph to want to seek revenge? (They sold him to the Midianite merchants for 20 shekels
of silver. They, in turn, sold him to Potiphar, an official of Pharaoh. Later in the story,
Joseph spent time in jail when Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph coming on to her—v. 19-
20). What do others do to you that can cause you to want revenge against them? (Answers
will vary.)

4. Read Genesis 50:15, 18-21. What two choices did Joseph have in dealing with his
brothers? (Revenge or forgiveness.) Which did he choose? (Forgiveness.) As you deal with
friends and family that have hurt you, what choices do you have? (Revenge or forgiveness.)
Which do you usually choose? (Answers will vary.)

5. Do you agree with the statement, “Sometimes the best revenge for those who have hurt
us is forgiveness? (Answers will vary.) Why or why not?

6. Read Matthew 6:14-15. Would God have you choose revenge or forgiveness?
(Forgiveness.)

7. Read Leviticus 19:18. What does the Lord tell us about revenge in this verse? (Do not
seek revenge or bear a grudge, but love your neighbor as yourself.) Which is easier for you:
to love someone who has hurt you or bear a grudge against them? (Answers will vary.)
Why?

8. Read Romans 12:17-21. According to these verses, who is the one who will avenge and
repay those who have hurt us? (God.) Do we find any other good advice for fighting the
temptation to seek revenge in these verses? (Do not repay evil with evil, and try to live at
peace with everybody.)
9. Do you find peace in knowing that God will deal with those who seek revenge against you
and choose not to ask for forgiveness? (Answers will vary.) Does it scare you knowing that
God will deal with you for seeking revenge on others and not asking for forgiveness?
(Answers will vary.)

How will you choose to live your life: as a person of forgiveness or as a person of revenge?
Jesus had every reason to seek revenge against those who hurt Him during his final days
but chose not to go that route. Instead, He gave each of us the perfect example of love and
forgiveness on the cross when He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what
they are doing” to those who were putting Him to death. Revenge wasn’t a part of Jesus’
life, and it shouldn’t be a part of ours. Will you follow Jesus’ perfect example or give into
your sinful nature? Where are you going to stand when it comes to revenge?

#7. What makes a good friend? Bringing out the best in each other. Friends do not
ask their friends to participate in sin. They look out for each other.

Proverbs 16:29 - A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not
good.

Proverbs 22:24 - Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one
easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Your friends won't sit by and watch you engage in sinful behavior. Much less will they
share in your indulgences. The person who does that isn’t your friend, but an enemy of
your soul.

Jesus was a friend of sinners, but you never get the sense in the Gospels the Son of
Man was overlooking their sin. People were drawn to Jesus not because he turned a
blind eye to their iniquities, but because he brought grace and forgiveness to them.
What a picture of the kind of friends you should seek out for yourself. Surround
yourself with friends who aren’t afraid to wound you with God’s holy law, but (and this
is equally important) who know how to bandage you with the gospel of God’s love.
Pray that God will not only give you these kinds of friends, but that he’ll turn you into
one of them as well. 

On October 24, 2008 the Daily Mail (a British newspaper), stated that a female police
constable appeared in court charged with burglary and misconduct in public office after she
allegedly abused her position to help her friends commit crimes.
This 26-year-old woman is said to have passed on confidential information from police
computer systems to boyfriend and others. She is also accused of helping a friend to steal
thousands of pounds from a shop by listening to traffic on her police radio to warn him if
police were on his tail.

As the saying goes, "With friends like this, who need enemies." This is not the behavior of
true friends.

#8. What makes a good friend? Telling the truth - even if it is "bad news". Friends
do not with-hold the truth in order to save the other person's feelings.

Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:6 - Wounds from a friend can be trusted.

Proverbs 27:9 - The pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

A girl saw her friend doing something that was self-destructive. What would
a friend do? If she confronted her or told her parents, it would certainly ruin
their friendship.

A man saw a friend acting in a way that would probably destroy his family.
What would a friend do? He said that he did nothing because he didn't want
to lose the friendship.

True friends put the needs of a friend before their own need to keep the
friendship.

We all need someone who will tell us the truth in a loving way. It is hard to grow without
the help of our friends. It's never easy, but when you must tell someone the truth, use this
approach: speak calmly, clearly, directly, honestly and respectfully. This is how Jesus would
confront someone.
#9. What makes a good friend? Unselfishness. Friends look out for the interests of
each other.

Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all time.

Proverbs 18:1 - A unfriendly man pursues selfish ends.

On August 5, 1936, at the Berlin Olympic Stadium it was a little past nine in
the evening. The pole vault event had lasted longer than expected.

The final three competitors were Earl Meadows of the United States and two
close friends from Japan, Shuhei Nishida and Sueo Oe. Nishida had won a
silver medal in the 1932 Los Angeles Games. The bar was at 14 feet 3 1/4
inches, which Earl Meadows cleared on his second try. Nishida and Oe missed
all three attempts. The two Japanese continued to jump for second and third
place, but the competition ended without a conclusion when it became too
dark to continue.

"Oe and I went back to the Olympic Village certain we had tied, since we
both jumped identical heights," Nishida remembered. (At that time they did
not have another tie breaking rule.)

The officials decided to award the silver medal to Nishida. They never fully
explained their reasoning. Oe was awarded the bronze. Nishida was not
happy with the decision. When they got back to Japan both Oe and Nishida
decided to cut their medals in half. Then they joined half of the silver medal
with half of the bronze medal for each of them. The medals were called the
Medals of Eternal Friendship.

Soon after Oe was killed in World War II. His medal is on display at the
National Stadium in Tokyo. What an unselfish act on the part of a friend.

At the end of the day, what makes a good friend? Practicing the golden rule.
Friends treat each other as they would like to be treated.

Jesus said, I have called you friends. John 15:15. How does Jesus treat us? That's our best
example of what makes a good friend.
How can you be a good friend?

Read our favorite friendship quotes.

Discussion questions:

1. When you are looking for a friend, what quality is the most important to you?

2. Which quality of a friend from Proverbs do you tend to overlook? Has that ever been
harmful to you or your friendships?

3. In what one way do you think you could be a better friend?

How to cultivate accountability in
4. What is one step you could take in order to be a better
your small group.
friend?

Author: Paul Schlieker www.bible-study-lesson-plans.com

The benefits of friendships

While developing and maintaining friendships takes time and effort, healthy
friendships can:

Improve your mood. Spending time with happy and positive friends can elevate
your mood and boost your outlook.

Help you to reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to get fit, give up smoking,
or otherwise improve your life, encouragement from a friend can really boost your
willpower and increase your chances of success.

Reduce your stress and depression. Having an active social life can bolster
your immune system and help reduce isolation, a major contributing factor to
depression.

Support you through tough times. Even if it’s just having someone to share
your problems with, friends can help you cope with serious illness, the loss of a
job or loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or any other challenges in life.

Support you as you age. As you age, retirement, illness, and the death of loved
ones can often leave you isolated. Knowing there are people you can turn to for
company and support can provide purpose as you age and serve as a buffer
against depression, disability, hardship and loss.
Boost your self-worth. Friendship is a two-way street, and the “give” side of the
give-and-take contributes to your own sense of self-worth. Being there for your
friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.

Why online friends aren’t enough

Technology has shifted the definition of friendship in recent years. With the click
of a button, we can add a friend or make a new connection. But having hundreds
of online friends is not the same as having a close friend you can spend time with
in person. Online friends can’t hug you when a crisis hits, visit you when you’re
sick, or celebrate a happy occasion with you. Our most important and powerful
connections happen when we’re face-to-face. So make it a priority to stay in
touch in the real world, not just online.

Know what to look for in a friend

A friend is someone you trust and with whom you share a deep level of
understanding and communication. A good friend will:

 Show a genuine interest in what’s going on in your life, what you have to
say, and how you think and feel.

 Accept you for who you are

 Listen to you attentively without judging you, telling you how to think or
feel, or trying to change the subject.

 Feel comfortable sharing things about themselves with you

As friendship works both ways, a friend is also someone you feel comfortable
supporting and accepting, and someone with whom you share a bond of trust
and loyalty.

Focus on the way a friendship feels, not what it looks like

The most important quality in a friendship is the way the relationship makes you
feel—not how it looks on paper, how alike you seem on the surface, or what
others think. Ask yourself:

 Do I feel better after spending time with this person?

 Am I myself around this person?

  Do I feel secure, or do I feel like I have to watch what I say and do?

 Is the person supportive and am I treated with respect?

 Is this a person I can trust?

The bottom line: if the friendship feels good, it is good. But if a person tries to
control you, criticizes you, abuses your generosity, or brings unwanted drama or
negative influences into your life, it’s time to re-evaluate the friendship. A good
friend does not require you to compromise your values, always agree with them,
or disregard your own needs.

Tips for being more friendly and social (even if you’re shy)
If you are introverted or shy, it can feel uncomfortable to put yourself out there
socially. But you don’t have to be naturally outgoing or the life of the party to
make new friends.

Focus on others, not yourself. The key to connecting to other people is by

showing interest in them. When you’re truly interested in someone else’s
thoughts, feelings, experiences, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it.
You’ll make far more friends by showing your interest rather than trying to get
people interested in you. If you’re not genuinely curious about the other person,
then stop trying to connect.

Pay attention. Switch off your smart phone, avoid other distractions, and make
an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they
say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Small efforts go a
long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told
you, and what’s going on in their life.

Self-disclosure: the key to turning acquaintances into friends

We all have acquaintances—people we exchange small talk with as we go about

our day or trade jokes or insights with online. While these relationships can fulfill
you in their own right, what if you want to turn a casual acquaintance into a true
friend?

Friendship is characterized by intimacy. True friends know about each other’s

values, struggles, goals, and interests. If you’d like to transition from
acquaintances to friends, open up to the other person.
You don’t have to reveal your most closely-held secret. Start small by
sharing something a little bit more personal than you would normally and see
how the other person responds. Do they seem interested? Do they reciprocate
by disclosing something about themselves?

Evaluating interest

Friendship takes two, so it’s important to evaluate whether the other person is
looking for new friends.

 Do they ask you questions about you, as if they’d like to get to know you
better?

 Do they tell you things about themselves beyond surface small talk?

 Do they give you their full attention when you see them?

 Does the other person seem interested in exchanging contact

information or making specific plans to get together?

If you can’t answer “yes” to these questions, the person may not be the best
candidate for friendship now, even if they genuinely like you. There are many
possible reasons why not, so don’t take it personally!

How to meet new people

We tend to make friends with people we cross paths with regularly: people we go
to school with, work with, or live close to. The more we see someone, the more
likely a friendship is to develop. So look at the places you frequent as you start
your search for potential friends.

Another big factor in friendship is common interests. We tend to be drawn to

people who are similar, with a shared hobby, cultural background, career path, or
kids the same age. Think about activities you enjoy or the causes you care
about. Where can you meet people who share the same interests?

Making new friends: Where to start

When looking to meet new people, try to open yourself up to new experiences.
Not everything you try will lead to success but you can always learn from the
experience and hopefully have some fun.
Volunteering can be a great way to help others while also meeting new people.
Volunteering also gives you the opportunity to regularly practice and develop
your social skills.

Take a class or join a club to meet people with common interests, such as a
book group, dinner club, or sports team. Websites such as Meetup.com can help
you find local groups or start your own and connect with others who share similar
interests.

Walk a dog. Dog owners often stop and chat while their dogs sniff or play with
each other. If dog ownership isn’t right for you, volunteer to walk dogs from a
shelter or a local rescue group.

Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals, or other
community events where you can meet people with similar interests. Check with
your library or local paper for events near you.

Behave like someone new to the area. Even if you’ve lived in the same place
all your life, take the time to re-explore your neighborhood attractions. New
arrivals to any town or city tend to visit these places first—and they’re often keen
to meet new people and establish friendships, too.

Cheer on your team. Going to a bar alone can seem intimidating, but if you
support a sports team, find out where other fans go to watch the games. You
automatically have a shared interest—your team—which makes it natural to start
up a conversation.

Unplug. It’s difficult to meet new people in any social situation if you’re more
interested in your phone than the people around you. Remove your headphones
and put your smartphone away while you’re in the checkout line or waiting for a
bus, for example. Making eye contact and exchanging small talk with strangers is
great practice for making connections—and you never know where it may lead!

Tips for strengthening acquaintances

Invite a neighbor or work colleague out for a drink or to a movie. Lots of
other people feel just as uncomfortable about reaching out and making new
friends as you do. Be the one to break the ice. Your neighbor or colleague will
thank you later.

Connect with your alumni association. Many colleges have alumni

associations that meet regularly. You already have the college experience in
common; bringing up old times makes for an easy conversation starter. Some
associations also sponsor community service events or workshops where you
can meet more people.

Track down old friends via social media sites. Make the effort to reconnect
and then turn your “online” friends into “real-world” friends by meeting up for
coffee instead of chatting on Facebook or Twitter.

Carpool to work. Many companies offer carpool programs. If your employer

doesn’t, simply ask your colleagues if they would like to share rides. It’s a good
conversation starter and will help you connect with people who live near you.

Overcoming obstacles to making friends

Is something stopping you from building the friendships you’d like to have? Here
are some common obstacles—and how you can overcome them.

If you’re too busy…

Developing and maintaining friendships takes time and effort, but even with a
packed schedule, you can find ways to make the time for friends.

Put it on your calendar. Schedule time for your friends just as you would for
errands. Make it automatic with a weekly or monthly standing appointment. Or
simply make sure that you never leave a get-together without setting the next
date.

Mix business and pleasure. Figure out a way to combine your socializing with
activities that you have to do anyway.  These could include going to the gym,
getting a pedicure, or shopping. Errands create an opportunity to spend time
together while still being productive.

Group it. If you truly don’t have time for multiple one-on-one sessions with
friends, set up a group get-together. It’s a good way to introduce your friends to
each other. Of course, you’ll need to consider if everyone’s compatible first.

If you’re afraid of rejection…

Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. It’s
especially intimidating if you’re someone who’s been betrayed, traumatized, or
abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond. But by
working with the right therapist, you can explore ways to build trust in existing
and future friendships.
For more general insecurities or a fear of rejection, it helps to evaluate your
attitude. Do you feel as if any rejection will haunt you forever or prove that you’re
unlikeable or destined to be friendless? These fears get in the way of making
satisfying connections and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to be
rejected, but there are healthy ways to handle it:

 Just because someone isn’t interested in talking or hanging out doesn’t

automatically mean they’re rejecting you as a person. They may be
busy, distracted, or have other things going on.

 If someone does reject you, that doesn’t mean that you’re worthless or
unlovable. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they misread you or
misinterpreted what you said. Or maybe they’re just not a nice person!

 You’re not going to like everyone you meet, and vice versa. Like dating,
building a solid network of friends can be a numbers game. If you’re in
the habit of regularly exchanging a few words with strangers you meet,
rejections are less likely to hurt. There’s always the next person. Focus
on the long-term goal of making quality connections, rather than getting
hung up on the ones that didn’t pan out.

 Keep rejection in perspective. It never feels good, but it’s rarely as bad
as you imagine. It’s unlikely that others are sitting around talking about it.
Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself credit for trying and see
what you can learn from the experience.

For better friendships, be a better friend yourself

Making a new friend is just the beginning of the journey. Friendships take time to
form and even more time to deepen, so you need to nurture that new connection.

Be the friend that you would like to have. Treat your friend just as you want
them to treat you. Be reliable, thoughtful, trustworthy, and willing to share
yourself and your time.

Be a good listener. Be prepared to listen to and support friends just as you want
them to listen to and support you.

Give your friend space. Don’t be too clingy or needy. Everyone needs space to
be alone or spend time with other people as well.
Don’t set too many rules and expectations. Instead, allow your friendship to
evolve naturally. You’re both unique individuals so your friendship probably won’t
develop exactly as you expect.

Be forgiving. No one is perfect and every friend will make mistakes. No

friendship develops smoothly so when there’s a bump in the road, try to find a
way to overcome the problem and move on. It will often deepen the bond
between you.

Authors: Lawrence Robinson, Anne Artley, Melinda Smith, M.A., and

Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

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Last updated: June 2019

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