Callbacks are part of the audience participation when watching The Rocky Horror

Picture Show at a local theatre. It's difficult to explain some callbacks, since
(when done correctly) they're fluid and analog - and thus difficult to describe in
a definite, textual form. Direct any questions you have to a local cast member, a
forum, etc.

There are some things to keep in mind while reading this script or performing
callbacks. Many callbacks have a particular cadence, which keeps them from
overlapping the movie audio. It's difficult to describe in text, but generally
speaking, use your fastest speed of speech which allows for enunciation. If the
rest of the audience is using a callback, you don't have to follow along - but it
might not be a bad idea. There are some situations where no cadence will keep
callbacks from overlapping. In that case, just know for sure what you're saying.
Most song callbacks are on the beat in some form or other.

In transcribing the callbacks, the following textual styles are used for different
callback styles.

Response / Call And Response

Callbacks triggered by an audio cue, usually a character pausing or ending a
sentence. 'Response' callbacks can sometimes overlay later dialogue. 'Call and
Response' is a sequential 'Response' type, in that the callbacks are normally timed
to fit into audio pauses, ultimately creating the illusion that the audience is
conversing with the screen.
Example: Say this is some dialogue in the script. (This callback is spoken after
the character says the word 'script'.) Meanwhile, the character may be saying
something else.
Overlay
A simple phrase substitution, usually - although occasionally entire song verses
can be overlaid by a callback.
Example: The actor (audience) says this (this).
Discussion
Some callbacks turn into discussions between sections of the audience. Normally,
people doing callbacks choose one side or the other on the fly, although sometimes
there's a member or two on the cast who will do both just to make sure someone does
each part.
Example: (One half might yell this! While the other half yells this!)
Chants
A phrase or phrases repeated regardless of other callback lines until indicated.
Example: (This is what gets chanted.)
(Then later in the script, it's indicated when to stop the chant.)
Screen Timed
Callbacks triggered by a particular visual event. The callback begins at the point
specified on the script, although the precise timing may need to be seen and
experimented with to perform the callback during a show.
Example: (Screen event: Callback line)
Bracketing
Expert-level callbacks, if you will. The callback begins before the movie dialogue,
is supposed to be timed so that the callback ends in such a way that it ends right
before the dialogue begins. These callbacks rarely have a particular cue that can
be referred to; you can only guess when to start the callback using your knowledge
of the movie and your particular speech cadence.
Example: (The audience starts talking) Before the actor begins (and sometimes
continues afterwards).
Screen Fucks
Cast-only actions that are somewhat like callbacks. One or more cast members runs
up and mimes direct interaction with the screen.
Example: (There is usually a cue: Then there's an explanation of what the screen-
fucker is supposed to do.)
Contents
1 Song - Science Fiction Double Feature
2 Wedding Scene
3 Song - Dammit Janet
4 Crim Scene 1
5 Driving Scene
6 Song - Over At The Frankenstein Place
7 Crim Scene 2
8 Foyer Scene
9 Song - Time Warp
10 Frank's Descent
11 Song - Sweet Transvestite
12 Getting In The Elevator
13 Up In The Lab
14 Resurrection Scene
15 Song - The Sword of Damocles
16 Admiring Rocky
17 Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part I)
18 Song - Hot Patootie
19 Dealing With Eddie
20 Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part II)
21 Crim Scene 3
22 Settling In For The Night
23 Frank The Wonder Fuck - Janet
24 Fucking With The Monster
25 Frank The Wonder Fuck - Brad
26 Janet Finds The Monster
27 Song - Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me
28 Dr. Scott's Arrival
29 Crim Scene 4
30 Dinner Scene
31 Song - Eddie's Teddy
32 Slapping Janet
33 Song - Wise Up
34 Columbia's Rant
35 Dealing With The Help
36 Crim Scene 5
37 Song - Rose Tint My World (Floor Show)
38 Song - Rose Tint My World (Don't Dream It)
39 Song - Rose Tint My World (Wild And Untamed Thing)
40 Frank's Explanation
41 Song - I'm Going Home
42 The Death Of Everyone
43 Song - Superheroes
44 Song - Science Fiction Double Feature (Reprise)
45 Navigation
Song - Science Fiction Double Feature
("Twentieth Century Fox Presents" onscreen: A long time ago,)
("A Michael White-Lou Adler Production" onscreen: In a galaxy far, far away,)
(Screen goes black: God said, Let there be Lips.)
(Lips first appear: And there were Lips. And they were red. And they gave great
head.)
Trixie: Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us (to fuck off!) where we stand. (On our feet! On our knees!)
And Flash Gordon was there, in silver underwear
(crotchless(edible)(cumstained))
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. (But he never showed up! How do you know?)
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong;
(smelled) or (Broke her bong)
They got caught in a celluloid jam.
(sexual) (A sixty-nine!)
(Yay, jam!)
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From...
(You came on where?)
Outer Space.
(Janet's face! Good choice!)
And this is how the message ran:
(Freeze - those - lips!)

Science fiction (ooo woo woo) double feature (Starring, "Tim Curry" credit screen,
a faggot!)
(Dr.Z Dr.Y)Doctor X (Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!) will build a creature
See androids fighting (and fucking, and sucking on) Brad and Janet
(CONAN O'Brien)
Anne Francis stars in (Deep Throat is the sequel to) Forbidden Planet
Woh Oh Oh Oh Oh
(Janet's a monkeeeey) or Janet's on Heroin )
At the late night (very late night) double feature (Rocky Horror) picture show
(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)
("Charles Gray" credit: Charlie Gray, he's okay, but he's got no fucking neck!)

(Do you know any child molesters?) I knew Leo G. Carrol

Was over a barrel
(fucking Jack Sparrow)
When Tarantula took (LSD) to the hills.
(How do you get the cum off your lips?) (Lips lick: Lick it, bitch!)
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
(Janet's twat)
Fight a triffid that spit poison and kills.
(penis) (semen and pills) (What the fuck's a triffid?)
(What the fuck's a penis?)
Dana Andrews said Prunes (with pits)
Gave him the runes
(shits)
And passing them used lots of skills.
(Ex-Lax pills) (Yay, pills!)
But When Worlds Collide, (Boom!)
Said George Powell to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills,"
(feed you some birth control pills)
(sexual thrill)

(orgasmic thrill)

Like a...
(and take a sex-ray!)
(Blow job!)

Science fiction (ooo woo woo) double feature

Doctor X (Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!) will build a creature
See androids fighting (and fucking, and sucking on) Brad and Janet
(Brian Thompson)
Anne Francis stars in (Deep Throat is the sequel to) Forbidden Planet
Woh Oh Oh Oh Oh
(Janet's a hoooooo)
At the late night (early morning) double feature (Rocky Horror) picture show
(fuck your teacher)
(fuck your preacher)

I wanna go (I wanna come!), oh oh oh

To the late night (early morning) double feature (Rocky Horror) picture show
(fuck your teacher)
(fuck your preacher)

By RKO (RK who?), oh oh oh (Thank you) (whats RKO stand for? Really Kinky Orgasm!)
To the late night (early morning) double feature (Rocky Horror) picture show
(fuck your teacher)
(fuck your preacher)

(Where's the best place to fuck?) In the back row, oh oh oh

(Fuck the back row! Fuck the front row! We fucked you first! We fucked you last! We
fucked you in the ear and you heard it coming! We fucked you in the eye and you saw
it coming! Fuck you both, I'm in the creamy center!)
(Fuck the back row, You fuck the back row, everyone fuck the back row, Gang bang
the back row!)

To the late night (early morning) double feature (Rocky Horror) picture show
(fuck your teacher)
(fuck your preacher)

Wedding Scene
Dentonian: Here they come! (All over the church that's disgusting)
Photographer: Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then the
grandparents. (Who's invited to the cat orgy?) Yes, all the close family. Ahhh,
hold that. Beautiful. And... smile!
(After photo is taken: Ha ha ha! I've got your souls!)
Congratulations! (Ejaculations!)
Ralph: I guess we finally did it, huh.
(Ralph and Brad punch shoulders: Asshole fight! Asshole fight!)
Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost
inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher courses. (Should've used KY, not
Super Glue!)
Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I showed up in
the first place. (What a scholar.)
Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it.
(Rhythmic chant: Who's got the clap? Who's got the clap?)
Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.
(Chant ends when Janet catches the bouquet)
Janet: I got it! I got it!
Ralph: Hey big fella, (How would you know?) looks like it could be your turn
next, eh? (Sloppy seconds!)
Brad: Who knows.
Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. (See you sucker)
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in. See ya, Brad!
("Be Just And Fear Not" sign revealed: And the moral of the story is - Be just and
fear not! Be drunk and fear nothing! Be stoned and fear everything!)
(Old couple stops running after the car: Oh shit, we missed the bus!)
Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? (No!) Didn't Betty look radiantly
beautiful? (No!) I can't believe it.
An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Munroe and now...
 (Betty the Ho)
Now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt.
(half-shit) (Have shit, will travel)
Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy. (No he's not, she's got syph!)
Janet: Yes.
Dentonian: I always cry at weddings. (And laugh at funerals!)
(Show me an angel masturbating! Statue comes on: It's Saint Peter!)
Brad: Uh, everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. (And a great fuck.)
Janet: Yes.
(Why's there a billboard in the cemetary? It was a grave mistake!)
Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or two. (If he
doesn't get caught!)
Janet: Yes.
Song - Dammit Janet
Brad: (What do horses eat?) Hey Janet. (Sit on my face and wiggle!)
Janet: Yes Brad?
Brad: I've got something to say. (Sing it, don't say it - it's a musical, asshole!)
Janet: Uh huh.
Brad: I really love the... (skanky? slutty? slimy? slippery?) Skillful way... (what
a fucking genius!) You beat the other girls... (With whips and chains!) To the
bride's bouquet. (And that too. Janet's face ducks down: Now eat your veggies,
bitch!)
Janet: Oh Brad.
Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet I love you. (Grab your ankles, I wanna screw)

The road was long but I ran it. (Janet)

(Only assholes run backwards)
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)
If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet I love you. (Only assholes write on doors)

Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.

There's three ways that love can grow. (Janet can go)
That's good, bad, or mediocre. (Straight, gay, or bisexual)
(Spell 'slut'!) Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. (I need a blow you ho!)

Janet: (How was your orgasm?) Oh, it's nicer than Betty Munroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad) (You fuck Mom and you blow Dad)
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too. (Brad, I fucked your
sister too)

Oh Brad...
Brad: Oh... dammit!
(Ohhhhh shit.)

Janet: I'm mad...

(I'm pregnant)

Brad: Oh, Janet.

(Ohhhhh shit.)

Janet: For you.

(It's not yours.)
Brad: I love you too-ooo-ooo.
(I wonder who-ooo-oose )

Brad & Janet:

There's one thing left to do - ah - oo
(ah - ah - ah - achoo)
Brad: And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet) (What the fucks an exam-it?)
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
Now I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet, I love you. (Grab your ankles, I wanna screw)

(Asshole twostep!) Dammit, Janet.

Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad.
Brad: Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet: I love you.
(Brad and Janet are kneeling: It doesn't work if you both go down!)
(Brad and Janet are kneeling: Show me two people who wanna fuck! Now show me three
people who don't give a fuck! The screen cuts to Riff, Magenta, and Columbia. Now
split the screen four ways and show me a man with no fucking neck!)
Crim Scene 1
Crim: (I'll bet you'd like something.) I would like, (I told you so!) ah, if I may,
(You may not!) ...to take you (Take me! Take me!) on a strange journey. (How
strange was it? So strange they made a movie out of it!) (Crim pulls a book off the
shelf: Not the book, the movie! Open the movie...) (Hey do you want to see my
Pokemon cards? -start naming a handful of Pokemon ) (As the pages flip on screen:
Three pages to asshole! Two pages to asshole! One page to asshole - wait for it!)
(Picture of Brad comes onscreen: Asshole! Statement to prove it!) (Picture of Janet
comes onscreen: Slut! Statement to prove it! That's not a statement, it's a
resume!) (Crim comes onscreen: Aigh! The book ate his body! I ain't got no body -
no body!) (Picture of Dr. Scott comes onscreen: Timmy!) It seemed a fairly ordinary
night when Brad Majors and his fiancee Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy
kids, left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-
tutor, and now friend to both of them. (Is it true you fuck girl scouts?) It's true
there were dark storm clouds, (describe your balls!) heavy, (woo!) black, (woo!)
and pendulous, (woo!) towards which they were driving. (Is it also true you fuck
boy scouts?) It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in
need of some air, (like your fucking neck!) but, uh, they being normal kids
(Normal? They were virgins!) and, on a night night out... (It was a Days inn) (|
Phantom cast member proceeds to climb crim's tie and fuck his chin|) well, they
were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they?(It was
a Days inn.) On a night out... (It was Days inn.) it was a night out (It was a
night of in-and-out!) they were going to remember... (For how long?) For a very
long time. (As the screen goes through a transition: You're so ugly you make the
screen melt!)

Driving Scene
(Asshole – slut – asshole – slut...)(for those of you on speed: |repeat Asshole-
slut faster| for those of you on weed: |repeat it slower| for those of you on acid:
Red,green,blue,yellow,pink etc.| for those of you on crack OH MY GOD I'M ON
CRACK!!) Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.(No it's the
first you can't count bitch) They sure do take their lives in their hands, what
with the weather and all.

Brad: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. (Yay that type!)

(She chews and chews and but, never swallows) Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad
darling? (I came on the windshield again!) Brad: Hmmm.. we must have taken the
wrong fork a few miles back. (Should've taken the left spoon) Janet: Oh, but where
did that motorcyclist come from? (KAWASAKI bitch!) Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll
just have to turn back. (No don't do it you'll hit the camera man) Janet: Oh! What
was that bang? (Oh, no you just killed the plot!) Brad: We must have a blowout. (La
la lala la la, la lala la...) DAMMIT! (Janet)(Movie 2, Smurfs 0!) I knew I should
have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go
for help.

Janet: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere? (Behind Janet's bush!)
(Quick whats white and sells hamburgers?) Brad: Didn't we pass a castle back down
the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use. (Castles don't have
phones, asshole!)

Janet: I'm going with you.

Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. (She already
is!)

Janet: I'm coming with you! (That'd be a first!) Besides darling, the owner of that
phone might be a beautiful woman, (He is!) and you might never come back again.
(You should be so lucky!)

Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh. (The only rubber in the whole movie and it's got a hole
in it!) (Asshole car repair, kick tires twice to inflate!) [Kicks the tires.]
(...TWICE! Asshole!)

(Sluts to the left!) [Janet runs to the left.] (Sluts to the right!) [Janet runs
to the right.] (Sluts up the middle!) (Sluts outta sight) [Janet runs behind Brad.]
(...As usual.)

Song - Over At The Frankenstein Place

(Slut Slut Slut of the jungle look out for that tree)

(Watch out for the slut-eating tree!) Janet: In the velvet darkness, (douche,
douche, douche, twat) Of the blackest night, (twat, twat, douche) Burning bright,
(What's up your ass?) there's a guiding star. (It's a brand new car!)

(Do you wanna fuck?) No matter what or who you are.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place. (Epcot center) Brad & Janet: There's a
light... (Where's Anne Frank?)(Where's Santa clause?)(Where did hitler keep the
Jews?) (Where's the better script?) Chorus: Burning in the fireplace...

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life. (Fee,
fyie, fo, fum)

(4, 3, 2, 1,) (Sing to us o hairless one!) Riff Raff: The darkness must go down the
river of night's dreaming. (Describe Magenta's period) Flow morphia slow, let the
sun and light come streaming Into my life. Into my life... (Oh no quicksand!!!)
Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.

(Mario cleared the castle!) Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. (God is dead! God is dead!) (God is dead! Ack!)
(Phantom cast member flips off the sky, get's struck by lightning and falls)
There's a light, a light

Brad & Janet: ...in the darkness of everybody's life.

Brad: I can see the flag fly I can see the rain Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.

Crim Scene 2
(No wonder they got lost, this fucker's got the map!) (He is so gay he can't even
draw straight) Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and
Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had
they?

Foyer Scene
(It's Scooby-Doo on acid!) (Nah, he's just stoned.) Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm
cold and I'm frightened...

Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.(Castles don't have phones
asshole)

(Ding-dong, asshole calling,) (Sluts for sale, 69 cents, get 'em while they're
tight) (TOO LATE!) Or (Ding dong asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?)
(No, they taste like shit) (Its a doorgasim!)(how do you say jello with a Spanish
accent?) Riff Raff: Hello.(I love you, won't you tell me your name) (Brad are you
drunk or high?) Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, (Asshole!) and this is my
fiancee, Janet Weiss. (Slut!) I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke
down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use? (Castles don't
have phones, asshole!)

Riff Raff: You're wet.

(Did you bring your waterproof vibrator, Janet?) Janet: Yes - (Why?) it's raining.
(On mah lumps!)

Brad: Yes. (Hey Brad are you gay?) (Hey riff are you gay? Riff Raff: Yes...(hey god
are you gay? *lightning strikes, oh shit!) I think perhaps you better both (Fuck
off!) come inside. (I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up!) (I
don't care if you clean it up, as long as you come!) (I don't care if YOU come as
long as I come!)

Janet: You're too kind. (Can you see the domestic in this picture?) (No, there's a
slut in the way!) Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

(Describe the White House.) Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for
rich weirdos. (Yay rich weirdos, yay poor weirdos, yay weirdos!) (Rich weirdos
aren't in season, asshole!) (Tell that to Sarah Palin!)

Janet: Oh.

Riff Raff: This way.

Janet: Are you having a party? (No it's my sisters barmitspha, tonight she becomes
a man) Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night. (TUESDAY!) It's one of
the master's affairs. (Which one?)

Janet: Oh, lucky him.

Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, (The banister's lucky!) we're all
lucky! ha ha ha...

Song - Time Warp

(Hey Riff, show us (recent celebrity that died) and describe my ass!) Riff Raff:
It's astounding;( it's a skeleton) Time is fleeting; Madness takes its toll. (Tolls
of Madness!) But listen closely...(for how much longer...)

Magenta: Not for very much longer.(thank god)

(How many balls you got, Riff?) Riff Raff: I've got to ( (I've got three!) keep
control.(smoke a bowl!) I remember doing the time-warp (kick, kick) Drinking those
moments when The blackness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. (How
the fuck do we do this?) Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. (Ohhhhh shit!) (And someone else's tits)
All: You bring your knees in tight. (2, 4, 6, 8, huhn!) But it's the pelvic thrust
(Group sex, group sex, group sex, group sex, fuck in a circle!) (Cum all over the
place) That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me, (Do you douche?)
no, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, Well secluded,
(Can you see this?) I see all. (Oh shit!)

Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip (Fuck)

Magenta: You're into the time slip. (Fuck that bird!) (Grease that pole!)

Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same. (Eat that bagel!) (I'm not Jewish!)

Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.

All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think When this snake
of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise He had a
pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant
nothing, never would again.

All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips....

All: You bring your knees in tight. (2, 4, 6, 8, huhn!) But it's the pelvic thrust
(Group sex, group sex, group sex, group sex, circle jerk!) That really drives you
insane.
Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

(2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you masturbate!) (3, 5, 7, 9, You know you do it all the
time!) (10, 20, 30, 40, Now you're getting really horny!) (4, 6, 8, 10, Clean it up
and start again!) (Don't... TRIP!) (1, 2, 3, 4 get your ass up off the floor!) Or (
1, 2, 3, 4, dance you little fuckin whore)

All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!! (Get the fuck off the desk!)

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips!...

All: You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives
you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.

(Only virgins go all the way down!)(it's not over till the fat one farts!, okay
it's over)

Frank's Descent
Janet: Brad, say something. (Stupid)

Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?(of course we do we find it
stimulating as shit!)

Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

((in time with the building bass line (and Frank's shoe, if you get lost))) (Shit,
goddamn, get off your ass and jam) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam)

Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

((these are done simultaneously – pick your favorite and run with it)) (Anal sex
and oral sex and whips and chains) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam) (Sex!)
(I said shit, goddamn, said sit on my face and slam it Janet!)

Brad: It's just a party, Janet.

Janet: Well - I want to go.

(Anal sex and oral sex and whips and chains) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and
jam)

Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.

(Anal sex and oral sex and whips and chains) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and
jam)

Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

(Anal sex and oral sex and whips and chains) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and
jam)

Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do
some more... folk dancing.

Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!

Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about. (Except that!)

Song - Sweet Transvestite

Frank: How do you do, I (Fuck sheep) See you've met my Faithful handyman.(hand-job
man)

He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked (They RANG) He thought you
were the candyman. (Vibrator repair man)

Don't get strung out (On PCP)(on sex and drugs) by the way I look. (Or taste or
smell) Don't judge a book by its cover. (Oh I'm judging) I'm not much of a man
(You're telling me!) by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover. (One
sick motherfucker)

I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. (From San Francisco,
California) or (Current location of the theater) Let me show you around Maybe play
you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. (Fucking goofy) Or if you
want something visual (Try porn) That's not too abysmal, (Try kiddie porn) We could
take in an old Steve Reeves movie. (Superman porn!)

Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home, Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit
of a hurry.

Janet: Right.

Brad: We'll just say where we are, Then go back to the car. (Then go fuck in the
car.) We don't want to be any worry.

Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, well, (how bout this?) how 'bout that?
(Tough shit.) Well, babies, don't you panic. (Everybody panic) By the light of the
night it'll all seem alright. I'll get you a satanic mechanic. (Hispanic mechanic)
I'm just a sweet transvestite (Boom-chicka boom-chicka boom-chicka boom!) From
Transsexual, Transylvania. (From San Francisco, California)

Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff: Night.

Frank: Or maybe a bite?

Columbia: Bite.

Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. (Sex) I've been making a man (You
call that a man?) With blond hair and a tan (green eggs and ham) And he's good for
relieving my (Anal) (sexual) ......tension

I'm just a sweet transvestite (Check – him – out) From Transsexual, Transylvania.
(From San Francisco, California) HIT IT, HIT IT! I'm just a sweet transvestite
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank: From Transsexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

Frank: So - come up to the lab, (I can't cum that high!) And see what's on the
slab. (Meatloaf) I see you shiver with antici (This movie would really suck without
audience partici...) --- pation. But maybe the rain (Hallelujah!) Isn't really to
blame. (No, Sue's to Blane! She did the costumes!) So I'll remove the cause. (Your
clothes) But not the symptom.

Getting In The Elevator

(Janet's on the rag!) (No, the rag's on Janet!) (Brad what do you say when Janet
tries to fuck you?) Brad: Oh, thank you very much. (Janet what do you say when Brad
try's to fuck you?) Janet: Oh! Brad!

Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the
time is right. (call that an ace? More like a 2 of clubs.)

Columbia: Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, (Asshole!) and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss;
(Slut!) (Hey Brad how do you spell Urinate?) ah.. you are...? (Close enough)
Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people
would give their right arm for the privilege. (Or their left tit!) Brad: People
like you maybe.

Columbia: Ha! I've seen it. (And I DON'T do laundry!)

Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting. (Riff can't
hold his liquor!) Magenta: Shift it! (Cast Phantom holds a glass under riffs bottle
asking for some booze, when he drops the bottle cast member gets mad, and when Riff
shuts the door Cast member falls down) Janet: Is he, um, Frank I mean - is he your
husband?

Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are
simply his servants. (Sex slaves)

Janet: Oh.

Up In The Lab
(Who's that man all dressed in green?) (Oh my god, it's a gay Marine!) (Who's that
man all dressed in blue?) (He's in the corps and he's gay too!)

Frank: (What's the color of your foreskin after you masterbate?) Magenta, (Where do
you get your drugs?) Columbia - go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain ...uh huh
huh... (...the cameraman, with the world's largest handjob!)

Brad: Brad Majors. (Asshole!) This is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". (Tight as a vice
and twice as nice!)

Janet: Weiss.

Brad: Weiss? Um.

(Hey Frank, say something in french that makes her horny)

Frank: Enchante.
(What does that mean?)

Frank: Well! How nice.(Thats not what it means) And what charming underclothes
(THATS what it means!) you both have. But here. Put these on. (And take those off)
They'll make you feel less... (Naked) vulnerable. (Same thing.) It's not often we
receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality. (Horse brutality.)

Brad: Hospitality!? (Horse brutality? I haven't had that since I was a kid!)
(It's... a bird Its... a plane It's... It's...) All we wanted to do was to use your
telephone, Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful. (It's...)

Brad: Ungrateful! (Super Asshole! With his sidekick wonder slut with her cunt of
steel)

Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So...
dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet: Well, yes I am.

Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad? (show him the butterfly) or (show him the
carebare)

Brad: Certainly not! (You can't tattoo an asshole!)

Frank: Oh well,.. how about you? (Show him the battleship)

Janet: No.

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... (Erection)

word. (Spills drink; oh shit my best suit, oh shit my only suit, oh shit it's a
rental) Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... (Hey, that's us!) you
are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical (bisexual) research... and
paradise is to be mine! (Lost! Thanks, Milton!) It was strange the way it
happened... ((when the close up of the statue speaker comes on)) (Hey, that's a
well-hung speaker!, thank you I hung it myself) (Lower, lower) ((when it switches
back to Frank)) (No, that's a pubic address system! THAT'S a well-hung speaker!)
suddenly you get a break... whole pieces seem to fit into place, (up my ass!) (Like
a dick up your ass!) not a sign of being.. what a fool! The answer was there all
the time, (42! 69! (NOW you get it!)) it took a small accident to make it happen...
(what is pre-mature ejaculation?) AN ACCIDENT...

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank: ..and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, (who gave
the best head on the Star Trek enterprise?) that SPARK that is the breath of
life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... (To life?) to life...
(Itself?) itself!

Resurrection Scene
{>

Frank:<td data-rte-washtml="1" you see, are fortunate.

For tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!
(Boned!) (To make PORN!)(It's the worlds largest tampon)
|- | || (In time with Magenta and Columbia fluffing the tank cover: 66, 67, 68, the
cover is thrown off: 69!) |- | || Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic
oscillator...
{| | And step the reactor power input || THREE MORE POINTS! |- | || (THREE MORE
DORITOS!) |- | || (Once all the colored liquid spigots are open: It's Rainbow Brite
on her period!) |- | Janet: || Oh, Brad! |- | Brad: || It's all right, Janet! |- |
Frank: || (What do you say when you get sand in your lube?) Oh! Rocky!

Song - The Sword of Damocles

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, And I've got the feeling
someone's gonna be cutting the thread.

Frank: You IDIOT!!

Rocky: Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start
of a pretty big downer. (I'm at the start of a pretty bad movie)

I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at
the start of a pretty big downer. (I'm at the start of a pretty bad movie)

Frank: Oh, Rocky!

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

Frank: Well, really!

All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery And, can't you see, that I'm at the
start of a pretty big downer

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-
la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, sha-la-la.

Admiring Rocky
Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

(If you're horny and you know it, bang your bars!) (If you're horny and you know
it, bang your bars!)

Rocky: Ugh Ugh

(If you're horny and you know it) (And you really want to show it) (If you're horny
and you know it bang your bars!)

Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you.

Rocky: Ugh Ugh

Frank: Oh, I just love success.

Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.

Frank: Yes.

Magenta: A triumph of your will.

Frank: Yes.

Columbia: He's O.K.

(Get your tits off the tank!)(Not Gay?)

Frank: O.K.? O.K.?!? (What do you think of the fox remake?) I think we can do
better than that. Humph! Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?

Janet: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles. (Just one big one!) (And Brad
ain't got it!)

Frank: I didn't make him FOR YOU! (She gets him anyway!) (You just spoiled it for
the virgins!) He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval. (*Bark like Seals)

Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part I)

(Hey Frank, sing a song about Justin Bieber!) Frank: A weakling weighing ninety-
eight pounds (That's two Justin Biebers!) Will get sand in his face When kicked to
the ground; And soon in the gym with a determined chin, The sweat from his pores as
he works for his cause (As he fucks Santa Claus...) Will make him glisten (Whats
your favorite toothpaste?)...and gleam. (Fuck you, mine's Crest) And with massage,
and just a little bit of steam, (Go for the gold! Go for the gold!) (Missed it,
missed it, now you gotta kiss it!) (Why d'you think he missed it?) He'll be pink
and quite clean He'll be a strong man. Oh honey...

Frank & Transylvanians: But the wrong man.

Frank: He'll eat nutritious (Cum) high protein (Cum). And swallow raw eggs (Cum)...
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs. Such an effort if he
only knew of my plan. In just seven days...(And six long nights) (And seven nights
and seven inches)

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. (A fag, just like your dad)

Frank: He'll do press-ups (Hand-jobs), and chin-ups(rim-jobs), do the snatch, (blow

jobs) clean and jerk. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous
living I just don't understand, When in just seven days, oh baby,(And six long
nights) (And seven nights and seven inches) ...I can make you a man. (A fag, just
like your dad)

(The following three words have been censored.) (Stick! It! In!) Or (*say
Bettlejuice 3 times)

Song - Hot Patootie

Columbia: Eddie!

(Helmet? Check!) (Goggles? Check!) (Attitude? Double check!)

Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night, When you dressed up sharp and you felt
alright? It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life, I thought I
was divine. I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music
on the radio; A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the
back seat, you really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless
my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really
love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n
roll.

(Eddie says, "Eat! Shit! and! Die!")

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her
white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And
she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some
hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your
girl you'd try to sing along. It felt pretty good. Woo! You really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless
my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really
love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n
roll. etc.

(Love! Hate! Ugly! Baby! Roadkill!)

Dealing With Eddie

<td Don't be upset... (I'm not upset, I'm PISSED.) It was a mercy killing... (It
was a messy killing.)
{>

(Would you PLEASE hit the mute button, Frank? Frank drops the pickax on the ground
and Columbia stops screaming. Thank you!)
Frank: (What's the score, Frank?) One from the vaults. (A greaser from the
freezer, like a bat out of hell!)
(Magenta knows what to do with used rubbers. Magenta starts peeling off Frank's
gloves. Turn them inside-out and use them again!)
(Rocky bangs on the elevator door: My dick's caught in the bars!)
Oh baby!..
(Rocky poses and glares at Frank: I'm PISSED.)
He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle...
(penis)
(Show him that muscle, Rocky!) Oh!

Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part II)

Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep. A hot groin and a tricep. Makes me, oooh, shake,
(wanna boogie with a midget) Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...ha-ha-
hand.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days (And seven nights and seven inches) I
can make you a man. (I can make you a fag, just lke your dad)

Frank: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

Janet: I'm a muscle fan.(Shut up bitch)

Frank: In just seven days, (And seven nights and seven inches) I can make you a man
(I can make you a fag, just lke your dad) Dig it if you can In just seven days,
(And seven nights and seven inches) I can make you a man. (I can make you a fag,
just lke your dad)

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank
and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! (And the answer to the
question: DOES Frank give a flying fuck?)

Crim Scene 3
Crim: There are those who say that life is an illusion, (like your fucking neck!)
and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. (Like your fucking neck!) If
this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe, ... however, the sudden departure
of their host (and his neck) ...and his creation (and his neck) ...into the
seclusion of his sombre bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and
uneasy, (and neckless) a feeling which grew (unlike your neck) as the other guests
departed, (with their necks) and they were shown to their separate rooms. (With
their separate necks.)
Settling In For The Night
(Watch out for the holy water! Janet bumps into the water bowl: Burns, doesn't it,
bitch?)
Frank The Wonder Fuck - Janet
(Have no worries, have no fear!) (Frank the wonder fuck is here!) (Big or little,
tall or small,) (Wonder Frank will fuck 'em all!) (Gooooo Frankie!)

Janet: Who is it? Who's there?

Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.

Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in. (And out and in and out and in) Oh! Brad Oh...
Yes, my darling...but what if...

Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.

Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...

Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

Frank: Oh, well, nothing.(your room was first) Why, do you think I should?

Janet: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...(But what about the
football team, and the footballs, and the schoolbus, and the goal post?)
Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it
quite pleasurable.

Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!

Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This!
(YES!)

Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... (No, Sue's
to Blane!She made the costumes) I was saving myself...(for a rainy day? Look
outside bitch it's pouring!)

Frank: Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...(spend her, spend her, she's legal
tender)

Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad?

Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die... (Stick a penis in my eye!)

Fucking With The Monster

(Magenta stares at Riff walking away: He may be my brother, but DAMN he's got a
nice ass!) (Riff shoves the candlestick in Rocky's face: Was it the butcher? NO,
was it the baker? NO, Then it must have been... the candlestick maker! Happy
Chaunukah, motherfuckers!) (Rocky shuffle-runs to the elevator shaft: Gotta find a
bathroom, gotta find a bathroom!) (Rocky gets off the elevator rope and looks
around: Gotta find a bathroom, gotta find a bathroom!)

Frank The Wonder Fuck - Brad

(Have no worries, have no fear!) (Frank the wonder fuck is here!) (Big or little,
tall or small,) (Wonder Frank will fuck 'em all!) (Gooooo Frankie! Take two.)

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.

Brad: YOU!

Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...

Brad: Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? (Fucked the shit out of her!)

Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never... (What about
that time at boy scouts?)

Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think
you really quite enjoyed it.

Frank: Oh... so soft...

Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!

Frank: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you... like
this!(YES!)
Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, (No, Sue's to Blane!)
I thought it was the real thing! (You think this is a strap-on?!?)

Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in
giving yourself over to pleasure, Brad. (It is in Virginia!) Oh Brad, you've wasted
so much time already...Janet needn't know, I won't tell.

Brad: Well, promise you won't tell...

Frank: On my mother's graoouuuuuu....

Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is
loose and somewhere on the grounds. Magenta has just released.. the dogs.

Frank: Mmmmm? Coming! (So's Brad!) (No, wait for it...) (There you go!)

(Gotta find a bathroom, gotta find a bathroom!)

Janet Finds The Monster

Janet: What's happening here? Where's Brad? (Having sex) Where's anybody? (Having
sex) (Rocky running through the rain: Where's the fucking bathroom?!) Oh, Brad.
Brad, my darling, (Janet my slut!) how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only
we hadn't made this journey... (but you did) if only the car hadn't broken down...
(but it did)oh, if only we were amongst friends... (but your not)Or sane persons,
(Get butch, bitch!)(I pledge alligence to my tit) Oh Brad, what have they done with
him... Oh, Brad, (Don't worry, Janet – my asshole smokes after sex too!) (that's
because you don't use enough lube!) Oh Brad-How could you?

(Leave him alone, he's monsterbating!)

Janet: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you? Here, I'll dress your
wounds... (He's got more hurt than you've got skirt!) (I'm stuck on Janet, cuz
Janet's stuck on me!) baby there...

(Okay, Janet, you have a choice.) (You can either have sex with the monster,) (Or
the audience.) (The monster...) (Or the audience.) (Woohoo!)

Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... (and you can only read
about it in a book) Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and
irrational master...and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their
television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... its slave.

Magenta and Columbia: Tell us about it, Janet.

Song - Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me

Janet: I was feeling done in, (And out and in and out and in) couldn't win (Tits
like those and you couldn't win?) I'd only ever kissed before.

Columbia: You mean she's...

Magenta: Uh huh.

Janet: I thought there's no use getting Into heavy petting (Heavy Metal) It only
leads to trouble (Slayer) And seat wetting. (Hey, my seat's wet!) (Sit down and
enjoy it!)

Now all I want to know is how to go. I've tasted (cum)blood and I want more.

Magenta and Columbia: More, more, more (Less, less, less)

Janet: I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to
scratch I need assistance.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me
Creature of the night.

Then if anything grows, (Ho ho ho.) (Don't worry, it will!) while you pose, I'll
oil you up and rub you down.

Magenta and Columbia: Down, down, down. (Up, up, up)

Janet: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction You need a
friendly hand and I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me (Taco, taco, taco, taco,) I want to be dirty (I want
a burrito!) Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me (Sour cream and guacamole,) Creature of
the night. (Taco Bell tonight!)

Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Magenta: I want to be dirty. (I wanna have puppies!)

Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Magenta: Creature of the night. (Fuck me, I'm a dyke!)

Janet: Oh, toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty Thrill me, chill me,
fulfil me, creature of the night.

Rocky: Creature of the night Brad: Creature of the night? Frank: Creature of the
night. Magenta: Creature of the night. Riff Raff: Creature of the night. Columbia:
Creature of the night. Rocky: Creature of the night! Janet: Creature of the night.
(Ew, Rocky got sloppy sevenths!) (Seven people later and she finally cums!)

Dr. Scott's Arrival

Riff Raff: (How do you say 'thank you' in French?) Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!

Frank: How did it happen? (Beats me, but I got a hunch!) I understood you were to
be watching!

Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute... (Doing what?) master (-Bating.)

Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. (Nice forehand, Frank, how's
your backhand?) (Needs work.) *Cuts to Brad (He never whips me like that!)

Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.

Brad: Hey, Scotty! ...Dr. Everett Scott.

Riff Raff: You know this earthling ...person?

Brad: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Frank: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not
unknown to me.

(Hey, I paid three dollars to see this movie and I wanna see some male tit!)

Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

(Male tit! Male tit! Male tit! Male tit!)

Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the
bureau of investigation of that which you call UFO's! (Woo!) Isn't that right,
Brad?

Brad: He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master.

Frank: He'll probably be... in the Zen room. (Dr. Scott, in the Zen Room, with...
The Roach Clip!) Shall we inquire of him in person? (It's the Triple Action Faggot
Magnet! With optional leg lift!)

(Oh yeah!)

Brad: Great Scott! (No! Mediocre Scott. If he was great, he could walk!)

Dr. Scott: Frank N Furter, we meet at last.

Brad: Dr. Scott! (Suck my cock!)

Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? (Getting really good head!)

Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is
doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should
check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be
changed. I am adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is.

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise
to me. I came here to find Eddie.

Brad: Eddie! I've seen him!

Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. (Smart-ass!)
(Except walking!) You see Eddie happens to be my nephew. (My dinner!)

Brad: Dr. Scott.

Janet: Ah!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!
(Bullwinkle!)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!

(Bullwinkle!)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!

(Bullwinkle!)(no this is Patrick)

Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.

Magenta: Master, dinner is prepared! (And Ah helped!)

Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. (Toga!

Toga!) (Naked! Naked!)

Crim Scene 4
Crim: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the
bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal. However informal it
might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. bon ami.

Dinner Scene
(It's the Black & Decker Pecker Whacker! It slices! It dices! It fucks Janet
Weisses! It sodomizes, circumsizes, lobotomizes, And BOY does it cut meat!)

Frank: A toast... to absent friends...

All: To absent friends.

Frank: And Rocky. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear
Rocky... (Happy birthday, FUCK YOU.)

(Use a fork, you fucking Marine!) (Use a Marine, you fucking fork!) (What??) (If it
made sense, it wouldn't be here!)

Shall we?

Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie.

Columbia: Eddie?!

Frank: That's a rather tender subject. (That's a rather tasteless joke!) Another
slice anyone?

(Brad gets it!) (Janet gets it!) (Dr. Scott gets it!) (Rocky gets it, Rocky doesn't
care!)

Columbia: Excuse me... (We've secretly replace Columbia's vibrator with a cactus.)
(Let's see if she notices.)

Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined...Aliens!

Rocky: Ugh?!

Brad & Janet: Doctor Scott!

Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott?

Brad: Just what exactly are you implying? (that he's a nazi)

Dr. Scott: It's all right!

Brad: But Dr. Scott!

Scott: That's all right, Brad!!

Song - Eddie's Teddy

From the day he was born (Not the night, but the day) He was trouble. (Not
Monopoly, but Trouble) He was the thorn (Not the rose, but the thorn) In his
mother's side. (Not the ass, but the side) She tried in vain... (He tried cocaine,
in the artery and the vein)

Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame. (Shame, shame, shame)

Scott: He left home the day she died. (He got stoned the day she died) From the day
she was gone (Shoo bop shoo bop bop) All he wanted (Was Doctor Scott's cock) Was
Rock 'n' Roll porn (You call that porn?) And a motorbike. (Oooo-weee-oooo-oooo)
Shooting up junk... (Gimme junk! Gimme junk!)

Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk! (Oy! Oy! Oy!)

Scott: Taking everyone for a ride. (He never took me!) (You never asked!)

All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy (When Eddie said he circumcised his
teddy) You knew he was a no-good kid. (You knew he was a Jewish kid! Oy vey!) But
when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife (But when he threatened your
wife with a dick this size,)

Frank: What a guy! (Oh my god!)

Janet: Makes you cry. (What a rod!)

Scott: Und I did. (Stick it in!)

Columbia: Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I said, hey, listen to me;
Stay sane inside insanity! But he locked the door and threw away the key.

(Everybody sucked him.

I very nearly fucked him.
I said hey stick it in me;
 stay hard inside my cavity!
But he pulled it out and he came all over me. )
Scott: But he must have been drawn (Not sketched, but drawn) Into something, (What
ze fuck's a 'zumzing'?) Making him warn (Not you, but...) Me in a note that
reads...

All: What's it say? What's it say? (What's it say, is he gay?)

Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. (Spelled H-E-D.) Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.
(Spelled right.) They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.

All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy (When Eddie said he circumcised his
teddy) You knew he was a no-good kid. (You knew he was a Jewish kid! Oy vey!) But
when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife (But when he threatened your
wife with a dick this size,)

Frank: What a guy! (Oh my god! )

Janet: Makes you cry. (What a rod!)

Scott: Und I did. (Stick it in!)

All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Taut (When Eddie said he circumcised his
teddy) You knew he was a no-good kid. (You knew he was a Jewish kid! Oy vey!) But
when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife (But when he threatened your
wife with a... ballpoint pen?)

Frank: What a guy!

Janet: Makes you cry.

Scott: Und I did. (What the fuck is an 'unt'?) (Three quarters of a cunt!) (What
happened to the other quarter?) (I ate it!)

Slapping Janet
(How many times do I have to tell you. I - hate - Frank pulls off the sheet -
CELERY!)

(The camera focuses on Eddie's corpse: His name is Robert Paulson! His name is
Robert Paulson!)

Frank: Rocky! How could you?

Song - Wise Up
I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. Your
apple pie don't taste too nice. You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. (Ow, ow, ow ow,
ow, ow ow, ow, ow ow, ow...)

I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. You're as sensual as a pencil, wound
up like an E or first string. When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice. You better wise up, Janet Weiss. The
transducer will seduce ya.

Janet: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!

Brad: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Frank: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet: We're trapped!

Frank: It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice.

Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic
transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato- physio-molecular
transport device?

Brad: You mean... (A vibrator!)

Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on (A working
vibrator!) for quite some time. But it seems our friend (A friendly vibrator!) here
has found a means of perfecting (The perfect vibrator!) it. A device which is
capable of breaking (A broken vibrator. :-() down solid matter and then projecting
it through space (A cosmic vibrator!) and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself!
(Doctor Who's vibrator!)

Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank: Planet, shmanet, Janet! You better wise up, Janet Weiss. You better wise up,
build your thighs up, You better wise up

Narrator: And then she cried out...

Janet: Stop!

Frank: Don't get hot and flustered!(Don't use lube use mustard) Use a bit of
mustard.

(Stick a) Brad: You're a hot dog, (Up my) but you better not try to hurt her,
(Squirt her with your twelve inch)(Oscar Myer) Frank Furter.

(Stick a) Scott: You're a hot dog, (Up my) but you'd better not try to hurt her,
(Squirt her with your twelve inch)(Hebrew National) Frank Furter.

Janet: You're a hot dog -- (Shut up, bitch, it wouldn't've rhymed anyway.)

Columbia's Rant
Columbia: My God! I can't stand any more of this! (Then sit down) First you spurn
(sperm??) me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky!
You chew people up and then you spit them out again... (Doesn't ANYBODY in this
movie swallow??) I loved you..do you hear me? I loved you! (Oh shit) And what did
it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. (At least it was big!) You're like a
sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah,
well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because
of the rocks in his head.

(Holy shit! What a bitch!) (Quick, Magenta, flip the switch!)

Frank: It's not easy having a good time... (In Blacksburg!) (How do you feel after
blowing the whole football team?) Even smiling makes my face ache...(Then bite your
thumb like a Jewish grandmother)

Dealing With The Help

(Frank walks to the freezer door: I see a red door and I want to paint it black...)
Frank: And my children turn on me...Rocky's behaving just the way that Eddie did.
Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?

Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania,
huh? (Ven you capture moose und sqvirrel!)

Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. You
have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will
discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous. Magenta: I ask for
nothing... (Under twelve inches!) Nothing.

Frank: And you shall receive it... (Where?) in abundance! (In the buttocks!) (Fee,
fi, fo, fum, first I jerk off then I) Come, we are ready for the floor show! (All
this and a floor show, too?)

Crim Scene 5
Crim: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that
Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott.
But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen.
And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both
tasted (Frank's cock!) forbidden fruit. (Same thing.) This in itself was proof that
their host was a man of little morals...(yay little morals!)and some persuasion.
(We can work on some persuasion) What further indignities (Shock Treatment) were
they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? (Where do
you masterbate?) In an empty house? (When do you masterbate?) In the middle of the
night? (What diabolical chicken) (Stepped on your forehead,) (Fucked your chin,)
(shit on your tie) (And stole your fucking neck?) What diabolical plan had been
shaped by Frank's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it
was clear that this was to be no picnic. (No picnic? I already brought the ants!)

Song - Rose Tint My World (Floor Show)

Columbia: (Describe this movie!) It was great when it all began. (But now it
sucks!)(No it wasn't) I was a regular Frankie fan. (I was a certified lesbian!)
(How do you get certified?) But it was over when he had the plan (I had to pass an
oral exam!) To start a-working on a muscle man. (And suck off a librarian!) Now the
only thing that gives me hope Is my love of a (smokin) certain dope. Rose tints my
world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Rocky: I'm just seven hours old, (And can't dance!) And truly beautiful to behold.
(And modest, too!) And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled. (I
have the penis of a four year old!) Now the only thing I've come to trust (Is
Janet's bust!) Is an orgasmic rush of lust (Same thing!). Rose tints my world and
keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. (Keeps me safe while I polish my balls!)

(What do you say when you masturbate?) or (What does Mark Zuckerburg say after
snorting cocaine off a hookers ass?) Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy! I'll be
good; you'll see. Take this dream away. What's this? (The floor!) Let's see, (Still
the floor!) I feel sexy! What's come over me? (Frank.) Wo! Here it comes again.
(Ooo, good recovery time!)

Janet: I feel released; (If feel real cheap!) bad times decease. (I like to fuck
sheep!) My confidence has increased; (I'm still pickin' wool out of my teeth!)
reality is here. (Little Ho Peep is here!) The game has been disbanded; (What fits
now? Well, my hand did) my mind has been expanded. (My vagina's been expanded!)
It's a gas that Frankie's landed! (What's that smell?) (Cover it up!) His lust is
so sincere. (Janet, kiss my ass! Janet makes a kissing gesture. Use tongue next
time!)

Song - Rose Tint My World (Don't Dream It)

Frank: (whatever you do do not talk about Fay Wray!) Whatever happened to Fay Wray?
(She went ape shit!) That delicate, satin-draped frame?(It was polyester you satin
loving skank) As it clung to her thigh (like a homesick abortion) or (What, the ape
shit?) How I started to cry (I'd cry too if I was a homesick abortion, mommy mommy
its cold out here.) 'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. (By Sue Blane!)or
(like a queer)

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh! (Oh, shit! Mom and Dad are home!) (So the
link between man and god is... A faggot in an innertube.)(waiter waiter there is a
Transvestite in my soup!) (How's God's finger up your ass feel, Frank?) (Heavenly!)

Don't dream it, be it. (What's the difference between Frank and the Titanic?) (We
know how many people went down on the Titanic!) (How did Frank sink the Titanic?)
(He blew a hole in the side and sucked out all the seamen!)

All: Don't dream it, be it. (Last one in the pool has to be in the sequel!) (Sorry,
Little Nell!)

Scott: Ach! We've got to get (the fuck) out of this trap before this decadence saps
our wills. I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well
snap, and my life will be lived... (Why do you fuck girl scouts?) for the thrills!
(For za cookiiiiiiiez!)

Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

Song - Rose Tint My World (Wild And Untamed Thing)

(Tell us who's pool this is in 13 words or less!) Frank: My, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my...my! I'm a wild and an untamed thing.(*keep repeating:it's
almost over) I'm a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock
on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe
from my trouble and pain.

(Meet the Beatles!) (John!) (Paul!) (George!) (Ringo!)

All: We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're bees with a deadly sting. You get a
hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let
the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. (That's where the
choreographer died)

We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're bees with a deadly sting. You get a hit
and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the
party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone,
gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over. (The movie's almost over!) Your mission
is a failure; (The filming was a failure!) Your lifestyle's too extreme. (Your
hairstyle's too extreme!) I'm your new commander; (I just fucked my sister!) You
now are my prisoner. (You can smell my finger!) We return to Transylvania. (It
reeks of rotten tuna,) Prepare the transit beam. (Even though she licked it clean!)

Frank's Explanation
Frank: Wait! (What do you say when you get caught fucking your neighbor's
cat?) I can explain! (Have you seen the neighbors cat, meow, hello kitty!)
Song - I'm Going Home
(You go fuck with the lights, you go fuck with the switches, and I'll stay here and
shit my britches) (Columbia sure is bright, but Rocky is a flipping genius)(Lady's
and Gentlemen for one night only Liza Manley with alfalfa's shadow singing i'm
going home)

Frank: On the day I went away...

All: Goodbye... (Nobody cared...)

Frank: Was all I had to say...

All: Now I... (Boo fucking hoo...)

Frank: I want to come again, (and again, and again) and stay.

All: Oh, my, my...

Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies (Windows
95!) Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home.

All: I'm going home.

(Instant audience, just add acid!) (Instant acid, just add audience!) (Where ya
been?) Frank: Everywhere (how's it been?) it's been the same...

All: ...feeling... (What's it like pissing into a ceiling fan?) Frank: ...like I'm
outside in the rain...

All: ...wheeling...

Frank: ...free to try and find a game...

All: ...dealing... (Describe magic of the gathering) Frank: ...cards for sorrow,
cards for pain. 'cause I've seen, (this movie too many fuckin times) oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home.(i'm fuckin stoned!)

Frank & All: I'm going home. (Hey, it's a total faggot eclipse! What's a total
faggot eclipse? It's when a gay man comes in front of your son!) (And then the
drugs wore off)

The Death Of Everyone

Magenta: How sentimental.

Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to
Transylvania,(I was speaking french) I referred only to Magenta and myself. I'm
sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, (you fuckin lied) but you see,
you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti- matter.
(Then it's not a laser!)

Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime? (Male fraud!)(Homo-
side)

Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. (Fuck society!) (I
fucked society, I got a social disease!)
Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. Say
goodbye to all of this, (Goodbye, all this!) and hello... (Hello!) to oblivion!
(Hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids?) (Wife's fine, but the kids are a little
tight. Sorry about the cat.)

(A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lip...) (...The first one to scream gets shot
in the tit!)

(The first thing in the movie Frank doesn't go down on and it would've saved his
life!)

(No, Rocky, don't let the music out!) (Dammit!)

(Chest of steel!) (Back of steel!) (Deltoid of steel!) (Plank of wood!) (Armpit of

steel!) (Get your hand off my ass!) (...And onto my nipple!) (Tower of plastic!)
(Force of gravity!)

Brad: Good God!

Janet: Oh! You killed them!

Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

(Get paranoid, Riff!)(give your best impression of me at family therapy) Riff Raff:
They didn't like me! (Get REAL paranoid, Riff!) He never liked ME!

Scott: You did right.(kiss ass)

(Slowly I turned; step by step, inch by inch, millimeter by fucking millimeter...)

(How do you fuck a millimiter?)(lots of lube) Riff Raff: A decision had to be made.

Scott: You're O.K. by me.

Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your nephew.

Scott: Eddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.(he tasted
pretty good)

Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. We are about to
beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania.
Go... Now! (Does this mean we can't use your phone?) Our noble mission is
completed, my most beautiful sister,(if that's the beautiful one I wonder what the
ugly one looks like) and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our
(disgusting, polluted) beloved planet.

Magenta: Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more to your
dark refrain... To take that - step, to the right...

Both: (Did anyone else taste acid in the popcorn?) HAH!! (Transies flash on screen:
Ack!)

Riff Raff: But it's the pelvic THRUST...

Transylvanians: That drives you insane!

(Did anyone else taste acid in the popcorn? Transies flash on screen. Ack!) (Wait,
this wasn't in the movie!) (Shut up, it is now!) Magenta: And our world...will do
the Time (same shit again) Warp...again!
Song - Superheroes
(How much pot have you smoked?!) Brad: I've done a lot; (of little boys) God knows
I've tried (to fuck little boys) To find the truth. I've even lied.(to the parents
of little boys But all I know is down inside I'm (I really wanna fuck little boys)

All: Bleeding... (So swallow a tampon and shut up!) (Ladies amd gentlemen for one
night only susan Sarandon in Cats!) Janet: And super heroes (Stumble stumble fall!)
(Meow meow meow meow...) come to the feast (Stumble stumble fall!) To taste the
flesh (Stumble stumble psych!) not yet deceased. (Stumble stumble squat!) And all I
know is still the beast is

All: Feeding... (Is that my nose exploded!) Ahh, ahh...

(Thelma! Thelma! Where are you, Thelma!) (Louise! Louise!) (Timmy! Timmy!)

(Hey, I've been to Australia – it's not purple!) (Yeah, but I've been to China, and
it IS red!) (You killed kenya)(*cast member spins screen then continues to spin
globe, when crim stops it cm falls or does a flip then plays dead) Narrator: And
crawling on the planet's face Some insects, (why was your phone bill so high?)
called the human race... (oh shit that's us) Lost in time, (What's your favorite tv
show to masturbate to?) and lost in space, (What does this movie lack?) And
meaning. (One more time for the virgins) All: Meaning.

Song - Science Fiction Double Feature (Reprise)

(Depending on the cast, this is normally used as the curtain call.)

Usherette: Science Fiction Double Feature. Frank has built and (beat and fucked)
Lost his creature. Darkness has conquered (beat and fucked) Brad and Janet. The
servants gone to A distant planet. Wo, oh, oh, oh. At the late night, double
feature, Picture show. I want to go, (I still want to cum!) oh, oh, oh. To the late
night, double feature, Picture show.

(Right before the music style changes: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!)