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Written by Alexandra Eidens, the founder of Big Life Journal.
Edited by a licensed clinical psychologist. Designed by Micole
Alkabes. Illustrated by Betje.

The author would like to thank Dr. Carol Dweck for her body of
work on growth mindset theory.

The strategies described in this book can be beneficial to all


children but they may need to be adjusted or fine tuned to be
palatable to children of different needs and disorders.

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“This book provides the perfect blend of information,
examples, step-by-step advice, and encouragement to
help teach children how to reframe and meet everyday
challenges. It’s now one of the top resources used in my
own professional work with children and families.”
Dr. Jazmine McCoy
Clinical Psychologist and Author

“Big Life Journal gives parents the words to use,


real-world examples, and ways for the entire
family to grow in their mindset and relationships.”
Lisa Howe, MSW
Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach

“Highly recommend, no matter the age of your kids


- all the concepts are delivered in a way that any
parent can tweak/modify to use.”
Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed
Certified Positive Discipline Trainer

“It’s my go-to guide full of great advice, examples and


solutions to make Growth Mindset a real life practice to
work through impatience and frustration.
This is a must-read for ALL parents.!”
Tejal V. Patel, JD
Author of Meditation for Kids

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table of contents

Chapter 1
What Is a Growth Mindset and Why Does Your Child Need It?...................................5

Chapter 2
Seven Practices That Lead to a Growth Mindset.............................................................14
1. Be process-focused rather than outcome-focused.................................................14
2. Say yes to rejection ............................................................................................................21
3. Learn the art of receiving feedback.............................................................................24
4. Make a habit of learning new things ...........................................................................27
5. Embrace struggle and adversity....................................................................................33
6. Compare yourself to yourself only...............................................................................36
7. Engage in deliberate practice........................................................................................ 39

Chapter 3
Make Effort, the Growth Mindset Way.................................................................................44

Chapter 4
How to Help Your Child Build a Healthy Relationship
With Mistakes and Failures........................................................................................................51

Chapter 5
Main Obstacles in Teaching a Growth Mindset and Key Solutions...........................60

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Chapter 1

You want your children to know their worth and to be happy with the person they are.
You want them to feel free to choose their own path in life and withstand every obstacle
and challenge along the way.

But what does it take? Good grades? Sport achievements? Speaking five foreign
languages? A degree from a prestigious University?

I argue that it takes something else.

You see, the current estimate is that 65% of the jobs our children will hold have not yet
been invented. We don’t yet know how life is going to look for them and what type of
society they will live in.

So, how can we be sure that what they are learning today is what’s necessary for them to
succeed and feel happy and fulfilled?

Instead, in order to set our children up for success, we need to make sure they have
something else besides a great academic foundation. Something which is arguably even
more important.

To succeed in the uncertain future, our children need the confidence that they can learn
anything, the resilience to keep going when it gets tough, and the knowing that they are
in charge of who they are, their abilities, and their future.

They need to have the right mindset necessary to adapt, innovate, and learn.
So, what is the “right” mindset?

First, let’s understand what mindset actually means.

What is Mindset?
Mindset is how we view the world and ourselves. It’s our belief system about
our abilities and potential which fuels our behavior and predicts our success.
There are many different types of mindset: gratitude mindset, abundance
mindset, scarcity mindset, life-learning mindset, etc.

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Chapter 1

For the purpose of this e-book, we will be discussing the two most commonly known
types, which can have the biggest impact on our lives:

growth mindset and fixed mindset.


Much of that understanding stems from the work of Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck
documented in her insightful book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

A fixed mindset assumes that our


character, intelligence, creativity, physical
ability, relationships, and pretty much
everything are fixed and can’t be changed
in any meaningful way. A person with a
fixed mindset views success as the evidence
of their inherent intelligence, talents, and
abilities. Their striving for success and
avoiding failure at all costs become ways of
maintaining the sense of being smart and
talented.

A growth mindset assumes that


we’re capable of growing and changing
throughout our lives. A person with a
growth mindset thrives on challenge
and sees failure not as evidence of
unintelligence, but as a springboard for
growth. As Dr. Carol Dweck put it, “in this
mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the
starting point for development.”

But how do we know that a growth mindset is actually the right way of looking at
ourselves and the world? Are we really capable of changing and growing throughout
our entire lives?

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Chapter 1

Yes. Luckily, brain science


shows that through
neurogenesis and
neuroplasticity, our brain is
capable of developing new
cells and patterns throughout
our lives. It is capable of
changing and reshaping itself
based on our experiences.

You see, learning new things


simply means creating new
cells in your brain. And
practicing and getting better
at something just means
you’re making the connections
between the brain cells
stronger and stronger.

The impacts of each mindset


Why does it matter what kind of mindset you or your child have? What’s the big deal,
after all?

Well, several decades of research show that people who have a growth mindset tend to
embrace lifelong learning and the joy of incremental personal growth, which results in
greater capacity for success and happiness in life. A growth mindset also helps people
bounce back from failures and setbacks and embrace life’s challenges as opportunities.

“ The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it even (or


especially) when it’s not going well is the hallmark of the growth


mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during
some of the most challenging times in their lives.
– Carol Dweck
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Chapter 1

growth mindset fixed mindset


Looks for a challenge Avoid challenges

Takes risks Avoid risks

Views failure and mistakes Avoids failure and mistakes


as opportunities to grow at all costs

Tries new things Avoids trying new things

Welcomes feedback and Avoids negative feedback


help from others

do you have a growth mindset or fixed mindset?


Well, the truth is you (and your child) have both. Like everything else in life, your mindset
is not black or white, it is grey, meaning you have a bit of each and you might display one
of them depending on a situation. To understand in which areas in your life you (or your
child) have more of a growth rather than fixed mindset (or vice versa), watch out for this
kind of self-talk and beliefs:

growth mindset fixed mindset


“I believe I can get better with effort “I am not good at math.”
and practice.”
“My failures and mistakes help me “When I fail, it means I’m a loser.”
understand where I need to improve.”

“I welcome feedback from others because it “I want others to think I’m smart. I
helps me improve.” don’t like getting negative feedback.”

“I like trying new things and stretching “I like doing things I’ve already
my abilities.” done before.”

“When something feels hard, it means I am “When something feels hard it means I’m
growing and developing my potential.” not good at it or not smart enough.”

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Chapter 1

It’s important to understand that we absolutely can change our mindset to become
more growth rather than fixed. We can also help our children develop a growth
mindset from an early age so that they don’t have to spend years (or decades)
unlearning and reprogramming their brain (like some of us, perhaps). This e-book will
give you concrete steps on how to do it.

3 Common Myths About Growth Mindset


Let’s take a look at a few common myths about growth mindset.

Myth Growth mindset is the same as working hard.


#1 For example, if I study French two hours every day then I am
developing a growth mindset. Working hard is an admirable trait,
however, a growth mindset is not just the effort but also the way we
approach a situation or problem. If we keep doing what’s not working,
we will never get the result we want, no matter how hard we try.
Growth mindset is also about trying different strategies and asking for
help when we need it.

Myth You either have a growth mindset or you don’t.


#2 You will never be 100% either fixed or growth mindset, you will
always be somewhere in between. You can also have a growth
mindset in one area of your life (“I believe I can train to become a
better athlete”) and a fixed mindset in another area of your life (“I am
not a good cook”).

Myth You develop a growth mindset just by understanding


#3 what it is.
Understanding growth mindset is just the first step. The second
step is action. Be prepared to change your behavior and practice
that change. Imagine thinking you can become physically fit just by
reading about exercise techniques! It is essential to practice, embody,
and develop what you learn.

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Chapter 1

My child gets overly frustrated. Does it mean they have a fixed mindset?
Not necessarily. People who have a growth mindset get the same emotions as people
who do not. They get frustrated and angry when they can’t get something done, they
get disappointed when they fail at something, etc.

Growth mindset doesn’t take away the emotions part. Understanding and working
with your emotions is an important part of a growth mindset as it helps you go
through the emotional experience and come out of it the right way.

Let’s look at a frustrating situation.

Your child is working on a puzzle and it’s not going well. Each piece they try doesn’t fit the
spot. You can see their face turning red with anger. You know it’s coming… they are about
to throw all the remaining pieces at the wall (or you) and yell “I can’t do it!!!”

Now, let’s look at what’s happening during this frustrating experience. As we all know,
it’s quite difficult to reason when our bodies are flooded with strong emotions. The
same goes for our children. That’s why it’s important to understand that when our
children are showing anger or frustration, it doesn’t actually mean they have a fixed
mindset. It simply means they are dysregulated and need our help to develop a higher
frustration tolerance.

Frustration toleranceis the ability to work through a problem, to breathe, and to


(hopefully) figure out a solution in the moment.

In our example, if your child has a high frustration tolerance (given that they also
don’t have any other high stressors in life that use up their “reserves”), they will be
able to push through their immediate feelings by using various coping strategies and
continue with their task (not throw the puzzle pieces in anger but continue building
the puzzle).

It’s important to understand that when your child says, “I can’t do it!”, your job is
NOT to prevent the frustration from happening or pull them out of it. In other words,
you don’t need to run over to them and try to fix their puzzle before the meltdown
happens.

Your job is to teach your child how to keep going despite the frustration. You want
them to learn how to tolerate that uncomfortable feeling of not getting something
right away.

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Chapter 1

Here are some steps you can take during the frustrating moment:

1. Get into the frustration with them by showing your empathy:


“Ugh! It’s soooo frustrating when something doesn’t work! I know how you feel!”

2. Offer to take a break:


This part is important because calming the body is an integral part of this
process. Hopefully, your child already knows of a few coping strategies they can
use to help them calm down (breathing, counting, running in place, etc.).

It’s better to introduce these strategies outside of the frustrating experience so


when they do face a difficult moment, they already know what to do. You can
also model or suggest a coping strategy in the moment:

“Sometimes when I
feel frustrated, it helps
me to take a break
and do something
else like take a sip of
water or lay on a floor
with my eyes closed.
Would you like to take
a break?”

3. Offer to help them get started again after


the break:
“Would you like me to help you get started with your puzzle? Let’s check how many
pieces you have already put together.”

Next time, you will see that your child might be able to push through their frustration
without your help. You can just be present but not necessarily DO anything. Your child
might be able to keep going on their own. You can say: “I see you’re working really
hard and I know you can do hard things. I’m here if you need me.”

Now, let’s look at what’s happening after this frustrating experience. Here’s when you
can help your child reflect on the experience and come out with a growth mindset
plan of action.

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Chapter 1

When your child is calm, you can sit together to discuss the frustration incident. Try
the following discussion questions to guide them through:

What happened:
“Sweetie, remember when you were working on a puzzle earlier today you got really
angry? You threw all your pieces at the wall and yelled, ‘I can’t do it!’ You must have
felt really frustrated.”

What can I learn from this:


“You haven’t finished your puzzle because the strong feelings got in the way. The
good thing is we can practice getting through our strong feelings so that we can keep
going.”

What can I do next time:


“Let’s find things that can help you when you’re getting overwhelmed by strong
feelings. What helps me is closing my eyes and counting backwards. Do you want to
try this next time?”

You can also create a “When...I can” plan of action together for your child:

“When I feel angry next time, I can take 3 deep breaths.”


“When I feel frustrated, I can take a sip of water and lay on the floor with my eyes
closed.”

Figure out together what works for your child and helps them get through the difficult
feelings in order to keep going and complete the task.

So, remember, even if your child yells “I can’t do it” and doesn’t complete the task, it
doesn’t mean they have a fixed mindset (a fixed mindset would actually sound like,
“I am just not good at puzzles!”) It just means that they need help developing their
frustration tolerance and they can do that by trying different things to find what
works for them.

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Chapter 1

“On the verge of tears right now... My daughter has been quick to anger and quick
to quit for this past year. Two weeks ago, we tried a renewed growth mindset
attitude towards life. Well tonight she had an explosion, with incredible frustration,
just a complete loss of control of her emotions. She may have lost control, but I
reacted differently. Instead of demanding better behavior, we calmly discussed
how everyone feels the same way and part of growing up is practicing how to react
appropriately and growing from our emotions. Needless to say, it was an exhausting
night. But I just went in her room and found a drawing she left on her bed for me -
this incredible “start and end” picture of her, of anger entering her brain, her brain
explosion and then the bottom...repeating that it will be ok.”

Laura K.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

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Chapter 2

Now that you understand different types of mindset, there are several things you can
do to help yourself (and your child) develop a growth mindset.

Why do you need to work on yourself? Isn’t this ebook about teaching your child to
have a growth mindset?

Yes. And the most effective way to teach your child anything is to model it. Our
children do what we do and repeat what we say. So, for your child to have a growth
mindset, you need to learn how to have one yourself.

In this chapter, I will walk you through seven growth mindset practices you can
incorporate into your daily life, and show you how to adapt them for your child.

Seven practices that lead to a growth mindset.


1. Be process-focused rather than outcome-focused
2. Say yes to rejection
3. Learn the art of receiving feedback
4. Make a habit of learning new things
5. Embrace struggle and adversity
6. Compare yourself to yourself only
7. Engage in deliberate practice

Practice #1: Be process-focused rather than outcome-focused


Many people find the most difficult change involved in developing a growth mindset
is to start focusing on the process rather than the outcome. In order to develop a
growth mindset you need to tune your mind to the skills you’re building and the
person you’re becoming as you’re working towards your goal.

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Chapter 2

We always have control over the amount of work we’re putting in. We don’t always
have control of the outcome. So, focusing on what we can control is what fuels us to
continue learning and getting better.

Think about baking a cake. With a growth mindset, you are not focused on just
getting the cake done so you can share a Pinterest-worthy image with your friends
and family. You are learning about the ingredients, how they interact, taking a trip to
a special store to buy a flavorful vanilla, and reading about dairy alternatives. You are
focusing on the learning part of it and becoming a better cake maker.

Growth mindset implies promoting a mastery orientation,


where progress and learning goals are more important than
achievement or performance.

How to translate this practice to your child


1. Praise HOW your child gets there.
From a very young age Ethan would receive praise for every single accomplishment.
“That’s a beautiful picture you drew!” “Wow, look at this tall tower you created!” “You
put your puzzle together so fast! Well done!”

What’s wrong with this kind of praise?

Well, if you look closely, this praise is outcome-oriented. We’re praising the end result
(the tower, the picture, the puzzle). The problem with this kind of praise is that the
message our child is getting is, “I am a great puzzle maker,” “I am a great picture
drawer,” “I am a great tower builder.”

In other words, the outcome-based praise creates an identity for your child.

What’s the problem with that?

The main problem is that the next time they are facing a challenge, they will be afraid
to lose this identity. What goes in their head is this: “My mom thinks I am a great
tower maker. I won’t try to build a taller tower because if it falls down, she won’t think
that any longer.” As a result, your child becomes very cautious with trying new, more
difficult things (and misses out on learning new skills).

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Chapter 2

So, what kind of praise would help your child take on new challenges, instead?

You need to praise your child’s process and HOW they created that big tower. Your
praise needs to be process-oriented rather than outcome-oriented.

For example, “I saw you worked so hard on that tower. You stayed focused and
stacked your blocks slowly so they didn’t fall down.”

This way, your child’s internal monologue will sound more like this, “Aha! I was able to
build my tower because I stayed focused and worked slowly. Let me see if I can build
an even taller tower next time!”

TIP
One easy way to make sure you’re praising the process is to simply
narrate (with enthusiasm) what you see your child doing.

oUTCOME-BASED PRAISE PROCESS-BASED PRAISE


You nailed this test! You worked so hard on this test.

You’re so great at doing this! It looks like your practice paid off!

You improved since the last time


Look at this report card. You’re so because you tried a different way
smart! to study.

Good job, buddy! You worked really hard at that.

I love how you take time to


You’re an incredible painter! choose your colors so they look
great together.

One great thing about giving your child process-based praise is that it empowers them
to control their hard work, their effort, and their resourcefulness. When we praise their
process, we help them understand HOW they got to their final result so that they can
repeat it again and again (and make it better).

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Chapter 2

“We go through graded papers each night and pick one to display on the fridge.
Usually I pick the highest grade. Today I asked instead, ‘Which one did you work
the hardest on?’ The lowest grade in the folder made the fridge tonight. But man
did he work for it. And now we have motivation to keep growing.”

Jennifer L.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

Finally, if you want to take a step further, instead of giving them your praise (and
thus, evaluation), ask them questions to ignite self-reflection and intrinsic motivation:
“I noticed you worked really hard on this. Can you tell me more about it?” or even
simpler, “How did you think about that?”

Should you praise good grades?


What’s the growth mindset way of approaching this?
We need to remember that grades are just grades and they should be looked at
with perspective. Ideally, you and your child will focus NOT on grades but on effort,
improvement, tenacity, and their ability to be the best student they can be.

First, explain to your child that grades are more for the teachers to determine if the
students are able to understand or break down information. Grades are required by
teachers and schools yet your child’s only requirement is their best effort (later, I will
cover that not all effort is created equal).

(If you do want to pay attention to grades, my main advice is to focus on growth
and improvements. Notice the changes. Has your child made an improvement? For
instance, if your child went from a C to a B in math, make sure to point this out. Ask
them what they did to get better.)

Second, notice if your child is doing their best. They might be getting good grades and
not actually trying very hard. And vice versa, they might be doing their best, but not
getting the result they want yet.

You can say, “I see you have been working really hard on this. I love that you’re doing
your best. Sometimes we need to give our brains time to learn or try different ways of
learning.”

Third, if possible, get qualitative feedback from the teacher. Has your child been
working more independently? Did they help someone in class? Are they asking lots of
questions to make sure they understand? These things might be more important than
grades.
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Chapter 2

Finally, our goal is to help children develop intrinsic motivation and self-evaluation,
meaning not being dependent on praise and validation from someone else. So, the
best way is to ASK questions.

“How do you think you did?” “What’s your favorite way to learn?” “Which areas do you
feel you need to work on?” “What are you proud of?”

“Here’s an example conversation with my 18-month-old. He is happily painting.


I am just observing him while I read nearby. He looks up, I smile. He smiles back
and goes back to painting. A few minutes go by, he is finished and comes over to
show me his painting. I look at it, intensely for 30 seconds. Then look up and say…
“Sweet boy! I noticed how hard you worked on this beautiful painting. Can you tell
me more about it?” He is excited and starts babbling off half English and half non-
words. I listen, nodding, fully enraptured by this enthusiastic little human. I only
speak to assist as I see him struggle to find his words. In the end, I have learned it
is a brown horse, named Gallop. He lives on a farm and likes to run fast.
If we speak less, listen more, and only ask questions that encourage their own
story to come forward, we will send them out into the world, well-equipped, self-
confident, self-motivated persons.”

Dashaina,
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

2. Help your child set learning goals rather than performance goals
As you’re helping your child become more process-oriented, help them
set learning goals instead of performance goals.

First, we need to understand the difference.

A performance goal is one that focuses on getting a desired end result. For example,
“I want to win the race.”

A learning goal doesn’t focus on the end result but on discovering processes and
acquiring new skills that get you to the desired result. For example, “I will learn three
new exercises that will strengthen my legs.”

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Chapter 2

To help your child turn their performance goals into learning goals, ask them these
questions:
What do you need to learn more about to reach the goal?
What do you need to get better at to reach your goal?

If your child is not sure, you can prompt further by saying:


Let’s look at the skills that are necessary to succeed at this. Here are some ideas
[provide examples]. Which one would you like to focus on first?

When you help your child break down their performance goals into a bunch of
process goals, you help them focus on what they can control (their everyday attitude
and effort) rather than focusing on the end result.

One great benefit of focusing on the learning goals is that even if they don’t reach the
desired end result (they don’t win the race, for example), your child can feel pretty
satisfied if they reached their learning goals and gained new skills. After all, that’s all
that matters.

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Chapter 2

What do you say if your child asks,


”WHY do I have to learn this? It’s useless!”
Many children don’t understand WHY they need to learn math or other things. In
fact, one of our FB group members wrote that her son called math “unnecessary
torture.”

So, how do you encourage the love of learning in your children AND motivate
them to keep going?

FIRST, ask them back the same question. Often, when children say they don’t see
a point in something, they just want to express their frustration and they actually
know the answer. So, you can say, “That’s a great question. Can you think of any
ways you can use math in your life?”

SECOND, give them practical tasks that involve math. Ask them to help you with
online shopping and give them a certain amount to spend. They can help you
select the items according to the budget. Ask them to help you with fractions
when you’re baking together. If they have a birthday party, ask them to count
how many drinks, food, and supplies you need. In other words, make it practical
and relevant to their day to day life.

THIRD, explain what learning is about. When we learn math, we also learn how to
think, process information, apply information, and use our critical thinking skills.
These skills can be applied in all areas of life. Learning is also about taking on and
tackling new challenges.

You can say, “Learning difficult things helps you exercise your perseverance
muscle so that you can tackle any challenge that comes your way!”

LASTLY, explain that learning to do something you dislike is an important part of


building frustration tolerance or reserves for coping with unpleasurable events or
tasks.

You can say, “There are so many times in life we may have to learn to do
something we dislike. We need to practice finding value in these things. For
instance, learning how to do chores is often not fun. But when you can find the
positives, peace, or contentment in doing these tasks, it will help you throughout
your life. So when we learn to embrace math we develop the skill of embracing
many things to come.”

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Chapter 2

Practice #2: Say Yes to Rejection


Did you know that the fear of rejection can have a very profound influence on how
we learn? Every time you call your child a good boy, or good girl, you are sending
them a message that they are acting in a way that is acceptable. They learn that
if they don’t act accordingly, they risk disapproval. This desire for approval or
acceptance may prevent them from taking risks.

Any time you create something, or show your true self, you risk rejection and
losing approval. You can almost guarantee if you do something significant, expose
your ideas, show your contribution to the world, there will be someone, or some
group who will reject you. When you’re afraid of being rejected, you do not feel
confident enough to act according to your own intrinsic desires and values.

Fear of rejection prevents us from putting our best work into the world because
we censor ourselves to produce what we think is acceptable and desired by others.
So, we are confronted with a choice, put ourselves out there or protect ourselves.

But by protecting ourselves and doing nothing essentially means we’re rejecting
ourselves. Your willingness to feel rejection from others is key. “I am willing to be
rejected.” Expect it. Welcome it. Imagine what you would be doing now in your life
if you were not afraid of being rejected.

Do not reject yourself in order to


avoid rejection from other people.

How to translate this practice to your child


Remember when you were young – fear of rejection was likely a driving force in
your life, dictating everything from what you wore, what music you listened to, how
hard you studied, what sports you did, and the list goes on. We are all vulnerable to
judgment but we eventually learn to deal with it in different ways

1. explain that being rejected has nothing to do with their worth.


It’s important that our children do not make rejection mean something about how
worthy or important they are. You can explain that being rejected simply means what
we’re offering does not fit with what the person wants or needs at that moment.

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You can paint this visual for them:


“There’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches. A peach is not less
tasty because of that. And it doesn’t have to turn into an apple to be accepted by
those who don’t like peaches. A peach just needs to find people who like and want
peaches. Similarly, if someone rejects you or your work, it just means they don’t want
or need what you have to offer.”

It’s also important that our children learn to respect the boundaries of people who are
not interested in what they have to offer.

2. Help them prioritize internal validation.


When your child understands that what THEY think of themselves and their work is
more important than what others think of them, they become rejection-proof.

The most important step here is to help them prioritize internal validation.

Easier said than done, right?

Our human’s primitive brain is wired to seek validation from others. We want to be
accepted by the “tribe” so that we’re safe and protected from external threats.

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We will never stop seeking social feedback and external validation because it is
important to our self concept and development. However, we need to learn how to
place less importance on opinions of others and more on our own self-evaluation.

You can have a big impact on how much your child values their own opinion
of themselves and their work. Begin by paying attention to how you give them
feedback.

Instead of immediately jumping to praise or criticism about something your child has
done, ASK them questions like this:

“What do YOU think you did well?”


“What do you think you could have done better?”
“How did you feel when you were making this?”
“How does your work make you feel?”
“How did you think of THAT?”

And if your child answers with “I don’t know,” that’s a great reason to continue to
encourage them to self-reflect.

When we ask our children for their own assessment instead of immediately jumping
in with our opinion, we’re giving them a chance to self-reflect and self-evaluate.
This helps them develop internal validation, which is the most important voice to be
listening to and nourishing.

3. Help them build their courage muscle.


When we help our children pay attention to what really matters (the skills they are
building, new things they’re learning), the end result (acceptance or rejection) does
not matter as much anymore. The important step here is to draw their attention to
the process.

You can tell them that every time they are putting their work out in the world or
asking someone for something, they’re building their “courage muscle.” Reinforce this
by noticing their action and ignoring the outcome:

“I love how you asked.”


“You were so brave to ask.”

4. Encourage them to view rejections as learning opportunities.


Explain that even though rejections do not mean anything about our worth or value,
they can provide us with valuable information. We can learn what needs to change to
improve our chances of acceptance the next time around.
Teach your child to reflect on the experience so they can move forward with a new
strategy.
You can ask: “What is one good thing you have learned from this rejection?”

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5. Role-play future rejection situations.


Rejection in life is inevitable and it can be difficult to cope with even for adults. To
prepare your child for these difficult moments try role playing how to deal with
rejection before it happens on a serious level.

One simple way to do this is to play board games or chess and not let your child
win on purpose. If your child has a very hard time losing (which is a similar feeling
to being rejected), help them find coping strategies. For some children, taking deep
breaths or running in place works best, others find calm in holding ice cubes in their
hands. Find what works for your child.

It’s important to let your child feel sad or angry in these situations. We’re just
teaching them how to deal with these emotions when they arise so they can calm
down and try again.

“I get my kids to examine their emotions as physical sensations and notice how,
for example, anxiety and excitement feel very similar. When we notice feelings
as sensations we are more centered in the present which makes coping easier. It
becomes easier to relate and reflect rather than feeling lost in feelings we don’t
know what to do with.”

Kate M.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

Practice #3: Learn the art of receiving feedback


It’s completely natural to feel uncomfortable when someone offers you feedback
(especially if you didn’t ask for it). Uninvited criticism may lead us to feel attacked
and might trigger a fight-flight response in our brain.

But certain feedback can be valuable and can help us grow. It can give us helpful
information on where we need to improve.

Growth mindset is about having the ability (and courage) to sit back and reflect on
the feedback—to see if there is any truth to it, understand what you are meant to be
learning from it and move forward stronger and more resiliently.

In fact, people with a growth mindset may proactively seek feedback from others by
asking, “If you were me, what would you do differently?”

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Try this at home


Together with your child, watch the video Austin’s Butterfly (https://vimeo.
com/38247060) showing young children learning how to give feedback (and
the value of it).In the video, the teacher shows children a series of drawings
that are revisions based on the feedback received. This is a wonderful
example that helps children see progression and understand the positive
effects of feedback.

How to translate this practice to your child


How do you give feedback to your child without it sounding like criticism? How do you
get them to listen without shutting down?

Before you speak, take a deep breath and ask yourself some questions:

Is it productive feedback or is it my opinion/complaint?


What is the goal of the feedback?
What would the situation look like without feedback?
Is it necessary/critical to give it?
Does my feedback align with my top values?

Let’s look at Anabel. She is eleven years old and has been playing the violin since
she was four. She practices two hours a day. She’s very good and has won many
competitions, but she doesn’t respond well to feedback and seems to have reached a
point where she isn’t developing new skills.

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Anabel’s mother might reflect and think, “It’s not a complaint, I have genuinely noticed
that her effort has waned. The reason I want to give her feedback is so she has the
opportunity to keep growing as a musician but also to see if she wants to re-define her
goals. If I don’t give her feedback she might think that doing the same thing she always
does is productive effort.”

If you go through the questions above and still want to give feedback to your child,
consider one more thing: children often understand and feel where they are lacking in
skills and we don’t always need to point it out for them.

A big part of teaching our children a growth mindset is realizing that they don’t need
to excel at everything. It’s about progress and learning. This is not to suggest that
you should discourage them from exceling, not at all. But you can teach them that
excellence is the path, not the point.

Ok, if after this last argument you still want to share your opinion with your child, here
are some valuable tips:

1. Pay attention to HOW you give your feedback.


Keep your child engaged and part of the process. You don’t want it to appear like
you are telling them something they must hear as this will put them on the defensive.
Let them decide if they want your input. At the very least, let them know that it is
their choice what they do with the information.

“I have some information that might be helpful. How open are you to hearing it?”
“I’m going to give you some advice. It is just helpful information and it’s up to you
what you want to do with it.”

2. Avoid saying you.


This has an accusatory tone and may make them feel defensive. If you share the
advice as something you would do, they won’t feel attacked.

Instead of, “Here’s what YOU should do,” say:

“Here’s what I would do.”


“Here’s what worked best for me.”
“I’ve found that when I try this, it can be beneficial, what do you think?”

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3. Ask for their ideas.


I always recommend encouraging self-reflection in your child. This is a skill that
will benefit them for the rest of their lives, helping them be less dependent on the
opinions of others.

You can prompt this by asking questions:


“What do you think you did well?”
“What do you think you could have done better?”

For example, if your child doesn’t do homework until the last minute and is stressed,
ask them later how they felt about it and, if they acknowledge it was difficult,
encourage them to find strategies for doing it differently.

4. Phrase your feedback so it’s never tied to the child but to the action.
When giving your feedback to a child:

1. Describe the situation.


2. Describe their behavior — what you saw and heard.
3. Then you can give them guidance of how they can handle a similar situation next
time.

For example:
This morning when we were talking about our vacation, you interrupted Jessica while
she was talking and said, “that’s stupid,” before she had a chance to finish. I didn’t get
to hear more from her. Next time, I would like to hear ideas from everyone.

When feedback is presented this way it is not judgmental.


Compare the two statements:
“You interrupted Jessica this morning.”
“You are always interrupting people.”

The first statement is giving feedback on a specific situation and is commenting on the
behavior. The second statement is a generalization and implies that she is a bad person
for always interrupting.

5. Notice the good things.


It’s important to tell our children what they are doing right. Feedback doesn’t always
have to be negative. In fact, positive feedback can help them understand their
strengths and what they have already learned or mastered. It can also simply guide
them on how they can get better at something.

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Try this at home


Ask your child to give YOU feedback on something (for example, dinner
preparation). Get them to describe in detail what feedback they are giving you,
and why. Make it fun! Get them to give you marks out of 10 for presentation, taste,
originality, etc. Remind them to also say something positive. Actively ask them
what they think you could do better next time. Then discuss how the feedback
made YOU feel. Talk about how it’s hard to hear harsh things about our own work,
but that if people said our work was good when it really wasn’t, that would stop us
from learning and improving.

Practice #4: Make a habit of learning new things


You know the saying, light a fire under someone? Well this is exactly what we are
doing when we learn new things or put ourselves in new situations. We are igniting
our primitive brain, which prefers sameness, predictability, and comfort.

Think of a plant. It can stay the same and not thrive or it can grow new shoots and
leaves and lean in towards the sunlight. A growth mindset can lead to an infinite
number of new branches.

Growth requires that we learn NEW things, adopt NEW ways of


thinking, practice NEW habits, meet NEW people, and seek
NEW experiences.
Research shows neural growth and development are very good for maximizing your
cognitive functioning. New cells and connections are formed. Learning new things
triggers dopamine, which not only kicks motivation into high gear, but also stimulates
neurogenesis—the creation of new neurons—and prepares the brain for learning.

How to translate this practice to your child


Sometimes it is incredibly challenging to get your child to try a new activity or learn
a new skill. Remember that it’s common for children to feel afraid of the unknown, or
wonder if they will be any good at it.

So how do you encourage your kids to try new things and motivate them to learn?

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1. Explain how their brain works.


Children love learning about their brain. So to encourage learning new things, explain
to them how powerful their brain is and how it changes when they learn.
Say to them:

“Did you know that your brain is the only


organ that can keep growing and changing
throughout your entire life?
Every time your brain is exposed to
something new it creates new cells and
these tiny connections between these cells.
They are tiny but very powerful. You want
to keep creating these your whole life so
your brain stays strong.”

2. Let them watch first before trying


new activities.
If your child gets very nervous about trying
something new, you don’t need to push
them to do it right away. Instead, let them watch one, two, three or more times to see if
they want to join in.

You can say, “Why not just go in there and see if it really is for you.” Ask the instructor
if trying it out is a possibility before you commit.

In Austria, they offer something called, ‘sniffer days’ where kids can literally go to an
activity and sniff around. Okay, maybe not literally sniff around but you get what I’m
saying.

If they are still anxious, help them understand what the worrying part of their brain is
saying compared to the reality of the situation.

3. Acknowledge their feelings, empathize with the experience.


Children often don’t like trying new things because they are afraid they won’t be good
at it. It’s natural to be a bit afraid, because they don’t really know what to expect.
Imagine if your boss said to you, “We’re sending you to Oslo to do a presentation to
a group of glacier climbers.” While you may be excited to go to Oslo, you might be
thinking, how am I going to hold the attention of a room full of thrill seekers? What if
there is a language barrier? What if I freeze up?

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This is a bit how it could feel for your child, going into a room full of strangers, not
having any skills in this new activity, and thinking that even though they are a bit
curious about learning to play hockey, the risk is too much.

Next time they are dragging their feet say to them, “No one expects you to be an
expert. You’ve never done it before. Remember, making mistakes is a natural part of
getting good at something.”

It’s important for your child to understand that their feelings are okay. There’s nothing
wrong with being very nervous about learning something new.

You can say:

“It can be scary to go into a situation where you don’t know anyone. It’s okay to feel
scared and it’s okay to keep going even with that uncomfortable feeling. Some things
are scary at first and then so much fun! What if there is someone there who is feeling
just like you, you could support each other?”

4. Time-limit the activity.


Encourage them to try a new activity for at least 30 minutes. We have a natural anxiety
abatement that occurs after about 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, even without any
intervention, most people will naturally feel better. You can say:

“Okay we are going to give this a try for 30 minutes. Sometimes our bodies get nervous
with new things. Let’s try it to get your body used to it then we can discuss it again.”

5. Let them learn at their pace.


Did you know, research hasn’t found a consistent link between speed and intelligence?

There is good evidence that when children learn at a slower pace and without pressure,
they are more likely to learn something well. Learning for the long haul and reaching
mastery, takes time and practice.

How you encourage your child to stick with their learning can make a BIG impact on
how they’ll deal with any challenge in the future.

You can actively coach your child through learning challenges, and model how to talk
to themselves:

“It will click for you if you stick with it!”


“Take your time, I bet you will figure it out”
“Believe in yourself, I sure do, with time this will become clear too.”

That slower pace is very likely to pick up speed the more your child believes in their
own abilities to learn and get through challenges.

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You can also encourage them to recall past accomplishments as motivation:

“Hey, remember when you couldn’t quite figure out how to (button your shirt, finish
that giant puzzle, the answer on the math homework…) and then you figured it out?”

And finally, resist the urge to jump in and show your child the right way or the results.
Your patience and modeling endurance for the learning process will wire your child’s
brain for sustained learning.

Remember slow and steady is usually better. Learning isn’t a race.

“At my high school graduation, I decided to sing a song that I wrote to a


popular tune. First, I gave a speech and then I sang with my back up singers in
front of all high school students, their parents and teachers. I never could carry
a tune nor did I ever have a voice that was at least OK. My mom later told me
that she was so embarrassed of my singing she could hide in the bushes but
seeing my confidence on stage made her proud... To this day I remember this
and still wonder how in the world did I decide to do so? (I knew I was vocally
and musically challenged). HOWEVER! To this day I am proud of myself,
sometimes with laughter while remembering but never with regret!”

Yelena K.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

6. Create a culture of learning in your family.


Your child doesn’t have to be the only one learning new things. Model this important
practice by learning something new as a family (martial arts, music lessons, etc.).
Another small benefit is that most of the activities have family discounts.

If your child is nervous about learning how to ice skate, you can begin as a family until
your child is comfortable on their own.

Ask them:

“Would you like to learn this together?”


“Do you remember when we learned how to use the new computer together?”

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6. Ask your child to TEACH you.


This works very well with most children. Ask your child to teach you what they are
learning and be genuinely interested to learn. Show your enthusiasm and thank them for
sharing their knowledge. I can guarantee that this will bring you closer and your child will
feel very proud (which will encourage them to keep going with their own learning).

How to help your child focus?


It can be difficult for some children to stay focused and pay attention when
they’re learning new things. This is a skill that many adults are missing too.

Our children are constantly doing something and for them to develop the skill of
focusing and paying attention to one thing, they need to practice just being and
observing.

So how do we help our children develop the ability to just be, listen to the silence,
and relax?

Create a “sit spot” for your child. A “sit spot” is a spot outside where they can sit
and observe. Give them a journal and pencils. Their task would be to sit and look
around and draw pictures of what they see or think about. Older kids can also
write about things they see, hear, or think about.

Initially, you can do it together with your child. Sit with them and say “Let’s be
quiet for a bit. What can you hear? What can you see?....” and go through all the
senses. Then explain that when we’re always so busy doing something or talking,
we miss those things they’ve just noticed.

Another thing you can try is to sit together facing away from each other. When
time is up you can turn and face each other to share your drawings or writings.

As your child practices sitting on their sit spot, they will get better at paying
attention and focusing.

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Practice #5: Embrace struggle and adversity


How do you deal with challenges and obstacles? Do you look forward to them, do you
use them to get stronger? Or do you avoid them at all costs?

Growth mindset means choosing a challenge and overcoming it on purpose in order to


learn, evolve, and grow. When we grow, we increase our capacity to reach our goals and
contribute to the world.

To truly live a successful life filled with action, purpose, and growth, we need to push
ourselves beyond what we can currently accomplish, so we can accomplish greater
things tomorrow.

“ The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive,
relaxing times... The best moments usually occur if a person’s
body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to
accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. ”
- Mihaly Csikszentmihaly

How to translate this practice to your child


It is very difficult to see our children struggle and our immediate desire is to save them.
But imagine you’re lifting weights at the gym. At the first sign of struggle or strain, a
well-meaning bystander lifts the weight for you. Every time. Are you going to get any
stronger? Will you ever discover just how strong you can be? No matter how pure your
intentions, the same concept applies when you refuse to let your children struggle.

If we always solve problems for our children, they will never learn to solve problems
themselves. We imply that they are not capable of overcoming obstacles or succeeding
on their own, which conditions them to give up at the first sign of difficulty.

When we let our children struggle, we help them build what they need to overcome
challenges in the future.

So, how can you support your child when they are struggling or overcoming a
challenge?

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1. Listen and empathize.


Sometimes children are not
expecting us to help and all
they need is a listening ear.
Practice listening when your
child vents to you about a
problem. If needed, take deep
breaths as you fight the urge to
jump in with solutions.
You can say:

“You seem frustrated. I can


understand why you feel that
way.”

2. Ask open-ended questions.


If your child feels stuck, ask your child open-ended questions to help them:

“How do you think you can solve this?”


“What solutions have you tried?”
“What else could you try?”

3. Provide choices.
This works well during the frustrating moments. Sometimes our children feel
overwhelmed with emotions and do not know how to proceed. You can give them
options:

“Would you like to keep trying, take a break, or ask for help?”

If you have younger children just offer one or two options at a time.

4. Remind them of their past accomplishments.


Take a photo or video of something they found really hard or struggled with and put
the photo up in their room to keep reminding them that they achieved something hard.

Remind your child that when you have a growth mindset, you know that you can learn
and master anything with practice. Therefore, something being “hard” is a temporary
condition.

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“Sometimes I sit down with my daughters and watch videos from when they
were babies, learning to walk, feeding themselves, dressing up, etc. and we laugh
a lot and I bring up how amazing and persistent they are because now at 10 and
8 they have mastered those things and moved on to new levels. I have found it’s
easier for them to relate and remind themselves they have the ability to keep on
going until something is achieved.”

Susana G.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

5. Model the attitude and language for your child.


Model out loud your thought process when YOU are facing a challenge:
“I’m feeling really frustrated because this isn’t working for me the way I wanted it to. I’m
going to keep trying because I don’t want to quit even though I’m really really upset.”

You’re essentially talking about what you’re feeling (frustration, sadness, anger) and
how you’re dealing with those feelings or what you’re going to do next.

Other easy modeling phrases you can borrow are:

“This is hard, I’m going to keep trying.”


“This is hard for me, I need a break.”
“This is very difficult and I bet if I keep practicing, I can do it.”
“This is tough and so am I!”
“I haven’t mastered this YET, I will keep trying.”

When we’re saying these things out loud, children are learning how they can talk to
themselves when they’re facing a challenge.

Children need to see us struggle and make mistakes. They need to understand that this
is all part of being human. Challenges and mistakes help us learn, evolve, and grow.
When we grow, we increase our ability to reach our goals and contribute to the world.

Does your child constantly need your help?


If something doesn’t work right away, does your child immediately give up trying
and call you (or someone else) for help?
I see this often in very young children. However, as our children grow, we need to
equip them with several strategies they can use when things get tough.
So, if you’re facing a similar situation, use this brilliant tip recommended by a
teacher in our Facebook community. Say to your child:
“TRY 3 BEFORE ME!”

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You can discuss what these 3 strategies are. It could be looking it up in a book or
online, taking a break, and trying again using a different strategy or approach, etc.
We never want to prevent our children from asking for help. At the same time, we
want them to learn other ways to get through challenges and rely more on their
own abilities and creativity.

Practice #6: Compare yourself to yourself only


“They are better parents. They get their kids to all these activities and seem to be so
calm and put together, what’s wrong with me?”

Sound familiar?

How often do you compare yourself with others?

Social comparison theory states we make comparisons as a way to evaluate ourselves.


Usually rather harshly.

At its root, the impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other
people—a key element of the brain’s social-cognition network that can be traced to the
evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats.

Even though comparisons can be helpful in learning a new skill (we observe others and
learn by imitating), making judgements about your worth based on comparisons with
others is rarely helpful.

Growth mindset implies you focus not on competing with others, but rather on building
the skill and getting better than you were last time. Your personal growth and learning
are always about you and no one else. You might not be the best and that’s okay. The
important thing is that you are improving.

“ People who are happy use themselves for internal


evaluation. It’s not that they don’t notice upward
comparisons but they don’t let that affect their self-
esteem, and they stay focused on their own improvement.”
- Sonja Lyubormirsky
A psychologist at the University of California, Riverside and the author of
The How of Happiness.
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How to translate this practice to your child


A 2015 study by researchers at the universities of Essex and Cambridge showed that
the tendency to engage in comparison processes declines across the lifespan. One
reason, they hypothesized, is that as we age, we’re more likely to evaluate ourselves
against the yardstick of our own past rather than the present state of others.

This means that social comparison is generally most potent for the young. Therefore,
we need to put extra effort into helping our children get out of the comparison game
and focus on themselves, instead.

Here are some ways you can do it.

1. Avoid comparing yourself and your children.


When dealing with children, even seemingly innocent comparisons can be detrimental.
Comparing your children only sends them a message that they are either better or
worse, more capable or less capable than other children.

“Look, Daniel has already put his shoes on,” only sends a message that Daniel is more
capable.

Avoid comparing even when your child is doing something better than others.

“You did such a great job sharing today even though some of your friends had a very
hard time sharing.”

If you want to acknowledge your child, instead encourage the introspection, “I saw you
sharing today with others. How did it feel?”

To help you break the habit of comparing, ask your child to remind you every time you
compare them to someone else. You’ll be surprised how quickly this habit stops!

“ We destroy the love of learning in children, which is so strong


when they are small, by encouraging and compelling them to work
for petty and contemptible rewards, gold stars, or papers marked
100 and tacked to the wall, or A’s on report cards, or honor rolls,


or dean’s lists, or Phi Beta Kappa keys, in short, for the ignoble
satisfaction of feeling that they are better than someone else.
-John Holt

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2. Explain that we’re all worthy human beings.


It’s important that our children understand that we’re all equally worthy of love,
attention, and kindness just because we were born. It doesn’t matter who is better or
worse—we’re all equally worthy human beings.

You can say:

“Our accomplishments and results do not make us more or less valuable or important.
There’s always someone worse or better than you at something in any given moment.”
“There will always be people who can outperform you, and that doesn’t matter one bit.”

3. Teach them to set personal goals and track performance over time.
When we teach our kids to set personal goals and track their progress, we shift their
focus from others to themselves. This step can be easily modeled. Choose a new hobby
or a skill you want to learn and model how you track your progress for your child.

You can say:

“I always wanted to learn French. I set a goal to learn 100 words this month. I am going
to track my progress using this simple chart. This will help focus on how I improve
over time.”

4. Teach them about their personal best.


Talk about the concept of personal best with your child. Their personal best is the best
result they achieved in something so far.

Imagine your child says, “Kara is a better runner than me. I’ll never be like her.”
You can reply:

“I hear you say that you want


to be as fast as Kara. But the
thing is we’re all different and
perhaps, Kara is fast because she
trained many hours. It’s not very
helpful to compare ourselves to
others because we don’t really
know what they are doing. It’s
much more helpful to compare
ourselves to our own best
performance, our personal best.
That way, you can always see if
you’re getting better or not.”

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Chapter 2

5. Draw attention to their progress rather than end results.


It sounds counterintuitive but when we don’t make it about the end result, we empower
our children to learn and develop skills necessary to succeed.

For example, if your child is playing competitive sports, teach them to pay attention to
their skills developing over time. No matter if the game is won or lost, ask your child, “How
do you feel you did compared to last time? Did you make progress?”

Emphasize that the only thing that matters is whether or not they improved upon their skill.

Try this at home


Choose an activity or skill that your child is currently working on. Teach them how
to track their progress, either on a chart, a timeline, or something fun like a series
of videos. Ask how they felt as the task was progressing. I knew a boy who took a
video everyday of himself doing pull ups. Each day he would add one more. On the
22nd day he had a great video highlighting his accomplishment.

Practice #7: Engage in deliberate practice


Why is practice important? We now know the brain is trainable and adaptable. Learning
can create abilities which didn’t exist before and help us develop our potential.

In fact, our potential is not fixed, as we are able to increase it throughout our lives.
How do we do that? How do we develop and improve our skills and abilities? Research
shows that we need to be engaging in the right sort of practice.

Anders Ericsson (Swedish psychologist internationally recognized as a researcher in the


psychological nature of expertise and human performance) and his colleagues define
three types of practices:

Naïve practice
is doing the same thing repeatedly and just expecting that repetition will
bring improvement. It includes playing games like tennis, golf, and soccer with friends,
or a doctor who uses the same practices every time for years.

Purposeful practice
are individualized practice activities the trainee engages in to
improve their performance, but without the benefit of a teacher who has extensive
knowledge of effective methods.

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Chapter 2

Deliberate practiceis the most


impactful practice, which has
very specific criteria, including
individualized training by a
well-qualified teacher. This is
the practice you would ideally
engage in.

How to translate this practice to your child


It’s important for our children to understand that not all practice is created equal and
deliberate or purposeful practice is much more effective than simply repeating the
steps they already know.

But how do we motivate our children to practice the right way?

It’s quite common for children to lose interest in activities, especially if they require
hard work (like learning a new instrument or practicing a sport). Luckily, there are
several things you can do to help your child master the right type of practice and set
them up for a lifelong success.

1. Teach them about the malleability of their brain.


Remind your child to think of their brain as a muscle that needs practice to grow and
get stronger (just like their arm or leg muscles). You can explain:

“Did you know that when you’re learning new things your brain is creating new cells?
It literally grows! And when you practice something, the connections between the new
cells get stronger so that it becomes easier and easier for you to do the new thing
you’re learning. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.”

You can also use big numbers to make a point:


“I am good at piano because I had 10,000 more days to practice than you and my brain
had lots of time to learn.”

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Chapter 2

2. Help them engage in purposeful or deliberate practice.


As mentioned above not all practice is created equal. Here are some ways to guide
your child towards a more effective practice:

Make sure they have a concrete goal (for example, learn how to draw a robot in 3D).
Help them FOCUS during practice. Taking breaks is important. Training for a shorter
time with 100% focus is more beneficial than a longer time with 50% focus. Even
experienced musicians need to take breaks during practice.
Find a skillful teacher to provide feedback. If no teacher is available, help them
evaluate their own performance.

3. Make it easy for them.


Create an environment that makes practicing easier for your child. If we’re talking
about a musical instrument, keep the instrument out all the time. Do not put it away in
a case. That way your child can easily pick it up for a few minutes without any effort
when they feel like playing.

TIP
Encourage your child to practice before bed. Make it part of their
bedtime routine. Most kids want to delay their bedtime so practicing
wouldn’t require a lot of convincing.

4. Bring excitement about the thing they’re learning.


Help them develop the LOVE for it. If it’s music, take them to listen to live music often,
play lots of it at home. If it’s a sport, take time to watch a game and discuss the skills of
players together.

If your child doesn’t like the word “practice” call it “play.”

Say things like:

“This song reminds me of the music you are learning.”


“Wow, that play reminds me of the kick I saw you practicing.”

5. Ask your child to TEACH you what they’re learning.


Ask them questions, show your interest, become a student. Make an effort to become a
part of their practice routine.

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Chapter 2

6. Model by practicing together.


Commit to learning a new skill and practice it at the same time as they’re doing their
practice. You can practice yoga, a foreign language, or any other new skill to model
your commitment and effort.

“I realized my boys thought the rest of us were not doing anything in their
perspective. So I finally said, “I will run for 15 minutes while you practice music,
it can be our routine.” It took a week or so for them to buy in but they did.”

Pamela S.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

7. Tell inspirational stories.


Discuss famous athletes, musicians, and actors, who used to be inept at their craft and
only became proficient after much practice. Such discussions encourage children not to
be ashamed to struggle with something before they are good at it.

What if your child wants to quit an activity?


How can you motivate them to keep going?
In general, in order NOT to quit something, your reasons to keep going should
outweigh your reasons to stop.

So, to motivate your child, you can either strengthen the reasons to keep going or
weaken the reasons to quit (or do both.)

How to weaken their reasons to quit:


1. Set aside clear time for practicing and remove all distractions. Make sure they are
in an emotionally regulated state before the practice.
2. Make sure they are well rested when they practice (so they can maintain focus
and push themselves outside of their comfort zone).
3. Limit the length of the practice to about an hour (to maintain concentration),
breaks are great too.

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Chapter 2

How to strengthen their reasons to keep going:


1. Discuss why they began learning in the first place (to become a great athlete or a
member of an orchestra).
2. Draw attention to what they already learned to encourage pride in what they
have accomplished.
3. Reinforce their belief that they can succeed (become a skillful chess player, fast
runner, etc.).
4. Use social motivation by finding them a support group (if they’re learning a
musical instrument, help them form a band).
5. Break down big goals into small measurable steps. Set things up so that they
can see continuous improvement (even a small one). Your child will get a sense
of achievement every time they accomplish one of their small steps. Make their
progress more concrete and more encouraging.

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Chapter 3

In the previous chapter, we covered 7 practices that will help you and your child develop
a growth mindset.

We also learned, in chapter 1, about the big myth that a growth mindset equals hard work
(“If I just put forth effort, I will be successful.”).

In this chapter, I will dive deeper into dismantling this myth and showing you how this
applies to your child’s growth and potential.

The hard truth: time does NOT equal growth


A friend of mine, a photographer, once told me that the best advice she ever received
was to stop wasting time doing the things she was already good at.

“I got such a rush from creating still life compositions because I was good at it, balancing
the colors and shapes, that I’d spend hours perfecting setups and then just use the
easiest lighting.”

But let’s think about it…even though she might have enjoyed spending hours doing the
things she already knew how to do, was she really growing as a photographer? Was she
building new skills and expanding her abilities?

No, she wasn’t.

Then, she took the advice. She


began stretching herself and started
dedicating focused time to learning
new techniques, asking for feedback
from others, and even finding a
mentor. Her pictures reached a
whole new level.

We’ve all been there, putting in the


hours but not seeing the results,
telling our child to go and practice
the piano for 30 minutes every day,
believing that if they just put in
enough time they will miraculously
get better.

Here’s the truth. Not all effort is


created equal.
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Chapter 3

Imagine that effort takes on different personas. There is the ‘old friend’ style of effort,
putting in the hours doing something you are familiar with while staying in your comfort
zone.

And then there is the ‘hello stranger’ style where you put the hours in doing something
you can’t already do. According to Karl Rohnke (the founder of adventure education),
this is where you get into the Stretch Zone (SZ) or Zone of Growth (ZoG). You are
stretching the boundaries of your comfort zone.

This is where the magic (and the hard work) happens. You are focused, buzzing with
energy, and neurons are zapping. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bliss – this is where you
make your best mistakes because you are taking the most risks!

stretch zone
GROWTH EFFORT

comfort zone
NO-GROWTH EFFORT
PRACTICING WHAT YOU
ALREADY KNOW, JUST
PUTTING IN TIME

DELIBERATE, PURPOSEFUL
PRACTICE, MAKING YOUR
BRAIN GROW

Children often hang about in the comfort zone, where they put in the time, perhaps being
taken from one activity to the next, passively participating and not really gaining new
skills or challenging themselves.

Maybe they are active in the sense that they really wanted to take guitar lessons, but
after a few weeks seem to only practice when you remind them how much money you
spent. They put in time but they are NOT in their Stretch Zone.

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Chapter 3

What if my child is just...lazy?


Some parents think their children do the bare minimum because they are just lazy. I tend
to believe that there is no such thing as laziness. It certainly isn’t a psychological disorder
and it isn’t an inability to do something.

From my experience “being lazy” is an umbrella term that does more damage than good.
If we say someone is lazy, we are creating an excuse. We are saying, they don’t have
what it takes, so there’s no point in trying to help them.

So, instead of labeling your child lazy, explore effective motivators instead.

7 steps to motivate your child to put forth the growth effort


Caitlin’s mother noticed that her daughter never took shots at the goal when she played
in soccer matches. She would always pass the ball to someone else.

Caitlin diligently showed up at practice but never really put extra effort in. She seemed
to like the social aspect and was comfortable doing the weekly drills, and passing and
receiving the ball. But her mother said she sometimes felt like shaking her and yelling,
“Shoot! What are you waiting for!”

This is a tough one, because it is important to remember that it’s a game and a child
should be having fun. It’s a good thing that she goes along willingly, gets exercise, and
feels part of the team. This enjoyment creates intrinsic motivation.

However, if she’s just showing up and not ever really challenging herself, then she is not
developing her potential.

So, how do you motivate your child to put forth the right effort that will help them
develop skills and grow?

Let’s look at 7 important steps you can take.

1. Understand why.
There’s always a reason for a lack of effort. Ask yourself these questions:
Is the task interesting to my child?
The truth is, if your child finds the task boring they will naturally tune out or rush
through it.

Is this activity relatable for them, or is there some way to make it more enjoyable?
For example, if they are studying for a history test and the information is unrelatable,
consider using drawings, or acting out scenes to bring it to life.

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Chapter 3

Is there another underlying reason that prevents them from stretching themselves?
In the case of Caitlin, when her mother asked WHY she wasn’t stretching herself, it
turned out that Caitlin was worried about letting her team down if she tried to score
and failed. So she didn’t even try. She felt comfortable and appreciated in her role
and had convinced herself that she was better at offering support and letting other
girls shine.

2. Hold your criticism.


When children know they put forth little effort, they are often expecting criticism.
Instead, meet them with grace and point out the positives:
“I love the new colors you tried this time.”

You can encourage your child to display what they have accomplished. If they say they
don’t want to display it (perhaps, because they know it’s not their best effort), you can
say to them, “Maybe today wasn’t a great day but feel free to replace it tomorrow.”

There is a lovely children’s book called The Dot, by Peter Reynolds about a six-year
old girl who thinks she can’t draw. Instead of criticizing, a teacher proudly displays this
girl’s work. By the end of the book (spoiler alert), the girl has her own art exhibit.
Listen to a reading of the book here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Clpw7PG7m1Q

3. Help your children self-evaluate.


Ask your child, “How do you think you did?”
This teaches them to practice self-awareness instead of relying on others to evaluate
their work. If they respond with “I don’t know,” you can reply,
“Maybe that is your answer. I think you know when you put in 100% and when
you don’t.”

Always bring your child back to the process and the progress. Help them focus on how
they got there, both by keeping track of their progress and retracing their steps. “Why
do you think you got a C on your test? What have you done differently this time?”

4. Explain that being really good at something requires your brain to


get uncomfortable first.
Perhaps your child hasn’t yet learned that being good at something doesn’t mean you
were born with it. It actually requires your brain to get uncomfortable and learn it.
Remind your child that none of us were born knowing how to do things. All of us have
a learning curve, which varies from person to person, and it just takes practice and
patience. Next time they say, “I can’t…” gently remind them to rephrase and say,
“I am still learning how to…”

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Chapter 3

5. Find ways to inspire them.


This might mean doing activities with them or creating an environment that is calming
or energizing depending on what’s required. You can also try to shift their perspective
and give them ownership of the task. If it’s their idea, the motivation will be stronger.

“Today my daughter was having a hard time focusing on her homework and
really didn’t want to do it. We used humor and physical actions to break it up.
She had to make a complex sentence with the word hopping. So we had a
hopping contest. We talked about what kind of animals hop. We talked about
how funny our cats would look if they were hopping around on one foot. Not
only was she able to complete the sentence but she did the next eight very
quickly as well.”

Robyn K.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

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Chapter 3

6. Help them find the way they learn best.


Sometimes our children do not put forth effort (or look unmotivated) because they do
not learn the way it’s being taught. Try different strategies: incorporate the whole body
into learning, tap what they’re learning on your arm, make up a cheer, stomp, write
on a big chalkboard or dry erase board for cross body movement. Any movement
stimulates the brain and helps them remember better.

7. Help them identify when they are in the Zone of Growth.


Some children might need guidance to understand when they’re actually stretching
their abilities. Ask them to take notice of what it feels like to be out of their comfort
zone. What are the physical sensations (rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, feeling
disoriented, etc.)?

What to say if my child says, ”I can’t do it!”


If your child is NOT in a dysregulated state (upset, not able to continue because of
their strong emotions), try these phrases to inspire them to keep going:

“Show me the hard part.”

“If you COULD do it, what would you do?”

“Let’s figure out the next step together.”

If your child IS in a dysregulated state, refer to Chapter 1 “My child gets overly
frustrated. Does it mean they have a fixed mindset?” for guidance.

Shift your own mindset


It is disheartening to watch your child do a bare minimum and miss out on
opportunities to develop their potential. But sometimes we need to take a step back
and evaluate if we’re judging the situation objectively.

Consider the following mind-shifts:

Remember the purpose of the task.


What is the main purpose of what they’re currently working on? If the main goal
is the thinking part, perhaps coloring or writing with perfect spelling is not that
important. Did they do their best in the part that REALLY matters?

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Chapter 3

Our best what we are capable of changes daily.


Growth mindset is about developing and challenging yourself. But it also leaves
room for having an off day. Give your child grace, time, and breathing space, not
every single time has to be the best one yet. We just need to see the progress
overall.

performance

BEST DAY
YOUR MIGHT EACH
LOOK
doing DIFFERENT

time
Not ALL things our children do require their highest effort.
Sometimes we just need to let our kids be kids. We can let them have fun and
forget about the effort part. Sometimes, we can just ask, “Did you have fun
today?” and it’s all that matters.

“Today being a good parent meant not pushing a very tired and emotionally
fragile 7-year-old to do any work and instead, snuggling on a sofa, making cake
and riding her bike, only to discover that while I was putting her baby sister
to bed, she’d decided to do a load of her math homework, with no help or
persuasion.”

Laura L.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

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Chapter 4

Have you ever heard your child say, “I’m so stupid, I got this wrong,” or “That was
such a stupid mistake.” When these words spill out of our child’s mouth, as a self-
shaming or belittling act, as if to claim the judgment before others have a chance, it’s
heartbreaking.

Let’s take a step back and consider the factors that teach us how to think this way.

A society that strives for perfection.


Being raised in an environment that always expects better.
A false belief that we either can do something or we can’t.

The good news is we can do a lot to repair our child’s relationship with their mistakes
and help their brain perceive them as opportunities.

“ It is well to cultivate a friendly feeling towards error, to treat it as


a companion inseparable from our lives, as something having a
purpose which it truly has.
- Maria Montessori

Not all mistakes are created equal
According to Mindsetworks, there are different types of mistakes and some are more
useful than others.

Stretch mistakes happen when we’re working to expand our current abilities. We want
to make stretch mistakes! If we never made stretch mistakes, it would mean that we
never truly challenged ourselves to learn new knowledge or skills. When we make
stretch mistakes we want to analyze, identify what we can learn, and then adjust our
approach next time.

An example would be if your child is practicing for a public speaking assignment.


Perhaps they keep laughing every time they say a particular word that is tricky to
pronounce. They could choose an easier word or just keep practicing this one without
laughing.

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Chapter 4

Aha-moment mistakeshappen when we achieve what we intend to do, but realize that it
was a mistake because of some knowledge we lacked from the outset.

For example, we call a friend for their birthday on the right date, but the wrong
month. We can learn from these mistakes by reflecting on why they occured.

High stake mistakes


should be avoided. If your child has been training for a sports
championship—it’s better to avoid mistakes during the final event, and put your best
foot forward.

Sloppy mistakes happen when we’re doing something we already know how to do, but
we do it incorrectly because we lose focus or are just, well, sloppy. These mistakes
should be avoided if possible. It’s important to understand, however, that for some
children these mistakes are acceptable, especially, if they’re tired or there’s high
stress in their lives.

“As someone with ADHD, I frequently make the same stupid mistakes over and
over again, thinking that *this time!* I have it figured out and it’ll be fine, only to
mess it up again. It’s not being purposefully careless, it’s my brain not functioning
well in that manner.”

A Parent,
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

What are fixed and growth mindset views on mistakes and failures?
Fixed mindset and growth mindset have very different views on mistakes and failures.
It is possible to change the way we experience mistakes simply by shifting from
a perspective of shame and frustration (fixed mindset) to one of acceptance and
openness (growth mindset).


Students with a fixed mindset tend not to handle setbacks well.
Because they believe that setbacks call their intelligence into
question, they become discouraged or defensive when they


don’t succeed right away. They may quickly withdraw their
effort, blame others, lie about their scores, or consider cheating.
- Dr. Carol Dweck
Professor of Psychology at Stanford University

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Chapter 4

Fixed Mindset View on Mistakes growth Mindset View on Mistakes


Mistakes cause feelings of shame and Mistakes evoke curiosity and desire
disappointment. to learn.

Mistakes suggest limitations, telling us Mistakes show us areas where we need


what we can and can’t do. to learn and get better.

Mistakes may result in us quitting the Mistakes are inevitable when we learn new
activity altogether. things and stretch ourselves.

A fixed mindset may cause us to cover Mistakes encourage us to try again. Instead
of shame, we feel grateful to know where we
up the mistake. need improvement.

Learning to be kind to ourselves and accepting that mistakes are a normal and
necessary part of progress is exactly what growth mindset is about.

What is it that makes mistakes so valuable?


If we do something correctly
the first time, are we learning?
Not really. Research shows
that we learn more about
things for which we initially
make incorrect predictions
than for things for which our
initial predictions are correct.
The element of surprise in
discovering we are wrong is
conducive to learning.

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Chapter 4

Mistakes themselves are not the growth; they are the opportunity.
Let’s say your child makes a mistake while learning tennis. They continuously straighten
their arm when they should be bending it. It is affecting the direction of the ball.

The correction of the arm movement is where the growth occurs.

Once your child corrects the mistake, notice the correction and the process of
correction. “Great, your arm was bent that time.” “See how the ball went over the net
when you bent your arm.”

Remind your child that it isn’t the mistake itself which brings them closer to their goal
(of getting the ball over the net), but the actions taken to correct the mistake.

“ Suppose that a student has attempted a math problem but is


now stuck. The teacher can say, “OK, let’s solve this mystery!”
and ask the student to show the strategies he or she has tried
so far. As the student explains a strategy, the teacher can say,


“That’s an interesting strategy. Let’s think about why it didn’t
work and whether it gives us some clues for a new path. What
should we try next?
- Carol Dweck

What if I am a perfectionist?
If you had to answer the question, is perfectionism about running towards, or away
from something, what would you say? Your instinct might say it’s about running
towards a goal. However, if we reflect a bit deeper, it’s actually about running away
from a fear.

Often perfectionism is just the fear of failure or making a mistake. When you overcome
this fear, you will overcome your perfectionist tendencies.

Think about it. Why would you want your child’s birthday party to be perfect? It’s okay
if you want to hold yourself to your best ability. But most often it is about fearing what
others might think.

Perfectionism is a fear of showing up as you really are, so instead of taking the risk of
someone seeing the real you, you just don’t show up. Instead you create this façade
that protects you.

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Chapter 4

8 strategies to help your child embrace and learn from mistakes

“ Don’t be afraid to address your child’s mistakes. Many parents


and teachers shy away from addressing a child’s mistakes, telling
them ‘It’s OK, you’ll get it the next time,’ without giving them the


opportunity to figure out what went wrong. Instead they could say:
‘Mistakes happen, so let’s try to pay attention to what went wrong
and figure it out.’
- Hans Schroder,
Department of Psychology, Michigan State University

1. Show empathy and acknowledge the feelings.


When your child fails, your first reaction is likely to try to absorb their pain. Let them
own their pain but show them you understand what they are feeling.

Say, “That must be very hard for you.”

When we acknowledge specific emotions, we help them understand what’s happening.


Your child will be better equipped to know what they are dealing with instead of feeling
lost in something nameless.

Say, “I know you feel frustrated,” or “It looks like you’re feeling angry.”

2. Focus on the learning part.


You can help your child discover their mistakes and learn from them by asking them
questions.

If you see your child got an incorrect answer, ask them: “Can you tell me how you got
to this answer? Can you show me what you did?”

Usually, by showing you, they will find their own error.

And if you see that they’re struggling to find the error, that’s when you can say, “Ok,
you’ve got this part correct. See if you can figure out which part needs to be adjusted.”

Then you can explain:

“The best thing about incorrect answers is that they provide a great chance to
understand what we need to do differently and where we need to learn more! Incorrect
answers give us so much useful information. Let’s see what we can learn here.”

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Chapter 4

3. Remind them their brains are constantly learning and changing.


Explain to your child that stretch (non-sloppy) mistakes help the brain grow. In fact,
the brain does NOT grow just from getting the answers right. To keep strengthening
neural pathways, we must continue challenging ourselves and going to the next level of
difficulty. This is going to involve mistakes, and that’s great!

When you or your child make a mistake, take the opportunity to celebrate. Give a high
five and say, “High five! You’re learning!” or, “Woohoo! Your brain is growing!”

4. Celebrate the right kind of mistakes.


When we celebrate stretch (non-sloppy) mistakes, we send our children a signal that
we expect them to make mistakes, and we value these mistakes as important learning
milestones.

Some ways to celebrate mistakes include:


Giving kids an opportunity to brag about their mistakes and what they learned.
Introducing Failure Fridays
(a day of the week when
you read about a famous
person who failed.)
Giving your child a high-
five each time a mistake is
made.
Using the My Favorite No
activity. Each day, identify
an especially good mistake
your child makes (your
favorite no), maybe one
that highlights an important
concept.
Kids can discuss what went
well within the mistake and
the correct thinking in
every stumble.

“I heard of a parent’s practice I wish I knew about 25 years ago when our son was
young. Every week dad asked the kids at the dinner table, “So, what did you fail
at this week?” He shared things he tried and was unsuccessful. Everyone shared.
It framed for everyone that failing to get something right is not something to be
ashamed of, but simply a part of living and growing.”

Lisa R.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

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Chapter 4

5. Model making mistakes.


It’s important that our children do not see us as being perfect. We want them to see
mistakes as learning opportunities and part of a healthy life. If they see you make
mistakes, it becomes normal to them.

When you make mistakes talk to your child about what you’ve learned from the
experience or what you will do differently next time. Ask what they would have done
and emphasize stretch mistakes.

Model positive self-talk (especially in front of your child):


“Everyone makes mistakes, just like me. I can learn from this experience and do better
next time.”

“ One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give to a child is to


acknowledge their own mistake, to say, ‘I was wrong here,’ or ‘I’m


sorry.’ This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission
to make a mistake. To admit having messed up and still be okay.
- Dr. John Gottman

5. Model coping strategies.


Beyond showing empathy, it’s important to model coping strategies for your child so
they can calm themselves down and carry on with the task. It works better when it’s
done outside of the frustrating moment.

You can say:

“Urgh I made a mistake


and put too much flour
in this recipe, I need to
start over. I am really
really upset right now.
I am going to take a
deep breath and close
my eyes for a minute to
calm down.”

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Chapter 4

7. Help them get rid of automatic negative thinking around mistakes.


When we’re thinking the same thought over and over again, it becomes automatic. And
the same goes for your child. If they have been thinking they are not good at math for a
while, chances are this thought became automatic.

Automatic thoughts can be triggered by situations like making a mistake.

Let’s say your child is working on a math problem. They ask you to check their answer
and when you check you see the answer is incorrect. You say, “Sweetie, this is not
correct.” And your child’s brain immediately thinks, “I am not good at math.” They
get frustrated, they want to give up, they might even get angry—all because of the
automatic thought “I am not good at math!”

Here’s what’s happening. The triggering situation is your child hearing their answer is
incorrect. It triggers their automatic thought, “I am not good at math.” This thought
triggers a feeling of misery, anxiety, disappointment, and a desire to quit. That feeling
triggers an action like throwing a pen or storming away.

How do you help your child get rid of this automatic negative thought?

We need to help rewire their brain to break that strong connection between the
situation and the negative thought and create a new connection between the situation
and a different thought.

It might be difficult for your child to immediately jump from a negative to the opposite
positive thought; from “I am not good at math” to “I am good at math.” They do not
believe they are good at math and it will be difficult for their brain to start thinking that.

I suggest starting with a neutral thought first. What you can say is: “Sweetie, I’ve been
thinking that every time you get a wrong answer in math, we can say an affirmation
together. We’ll say, ‘I am learning math.’ This will help you carry on.”

So, instead of “I am not good at math,” they will start repeating “I am learning math.” It
is a neutral statement that is not going to be flagged by their brain as not true. They are
learning math, it’s easy for their brain to accept this thought. The more they practice
thinking this new thought, the stronger the connection between the situation, and this
new thought will become, which will eventually replace the existing connection.

Eventually, you can encourage them to move from a neutral to a positive statement
like, “I am good at math.” This will become their new affirmation and eventually a new
automatic thought every time they make a mistake.

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Chapter 4

8. Ask your child to give someone advice.


Suggest they write a letter to a friend who has experienced a recent failure or made a
major mistake. In the letter, your child can explain growth mindset as they understand
it and tell their friend that this is a great opportunity to learn from their mistake.

What if my child is terrified of making mistakes?


Help them make mistakes on PURPOSE. Have them drop a cup of paint on the floor,
spill water on a table, squeeze toothpaste on a bathroom counter, color outside the
lines. All on purpose.

Then once they do that, ask them to close their eyes (you can close yours too) and
wait together for something to happen.

Wait for a minute and two, and then ask them to open their eyes to see if anything
bad happened. Then you can say:

“It looks like nothing bad happened after we spilled this water...what do you think?
Let’s clean up together!”

You want to make sure your child understands that making simple mistakes doesn’t
actually cause anything bad to happen. Their world doesn’t crash, they are still
okay, they are still LOVED.

I also suggest throwing a MISTAKE PARTY for your child. You can agree that you
will celebrate together once they make 10 or 20 mistakes. Before the mistake party
you can make a sign together with a spelling error, you can all wear your shirts
backward, eat your dessert first before the dinner, etc. In other words, you can
make mistakes fun.

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Chapter 5

Now that you’ve read this book, you’re likely feeling well informed and ready to
make some positive changes towards developing a growth mindset and teaching
your children what you’ve learned.

But what should you do if you are met with resistance? One of the biggest
challenges we see parents facing is getting kids to buy in. When our children see us
trying to teach them something, often they get annoyed and resistant.

That’s usually because they feel you want to change them, as if there’s something
wrong with them. What goes through their head is, “I am not good enough for my
mom (dad). They want me to be different.”

That’s why I highly advise you to reinforce the message of your unconditional love
to them and do it often. You can say:

“You are enough and complete just as you are. My job is to guide and empower you
so that you are able to do whatever you wish to do in life. I want to help you find
and develop your superpowers! Remember, there’s nothing you can do or not do to
change my love for you.”

“I’ve come to the conclusion that while growth mindset can be taught to some
level, everyone has their basic temperament. As a parent, I can’t – and should not
– try to change that. I am kind of jolly myself but my kiddo just isn’t, but she is
valuable as she is. I must be very sensitive when trying to teach a growth mindset
to her so she doesn’t feel I don’t accept her as she is.”

Kati A.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

In addition, there are some ways you can make teaching a growth mindset not such
an obvious lesson. You can even make it fun.

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Chapter 5

4 Strategies for teaching growth mindset in a non-obvious way


(so kids don’t tune you out)
1. Use journals, books, movies, documentaries, and songs.
Luckily, there are a lot of great resources (movies, songs, documentaries) that have
growth mindset messages and lessons. If you haven’t yet, introduce your child to
journaling to help them process their thoughts and feelings.

Here are some resources to get you started:

Growth mindset journals for ages 7-10


Growth mindset journal for ages 11+
Top 85 Growth Mindset Books
Top 75 Growth Mindset Movies
80 Songs That Inspire a Growth Mindset

You can also subscribe HERE to receive free printable growth mindset activities and
crafts every Friday.

2. Introduce your child to the Big Life Kids Podcast.


With over 4 million downloads, this fun audio show teaches children important growth
mindset lessons (recommended for ages 5-10).

In each episode, two best friends Zara and Leo travel the world to discover and tell
the stories of the living heroes that believe in themselves, have resilience, and make a
difference in the world.

3. Watch Growth Mindset Pep Talk by Children.


This pep talk can be a great reminder for your child that their voice matters, they can
learn from their mistakes and that perfection simply doesn’t exist.

4. Use other creative ways to boost your child’s self-esteem and


growth mindset.
One of my favorite ways to boost my child’s confidence is to write affirmations (with
a non-toxic marker) on his lunch banana. His favorite affirmations are “I can learn
anything” and “I can grow my brain.”

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Chapter 5

I also write a new affirmation on a sticky note and tape it to his bathroom mirror every
morning (okay, not every morning, but often).

For more creative ideas on how you can boost your child’s confidence and growth
mindset, check out these nine creative ways.

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Chapter 5

3 most common concerns from parents and solutions


Now, let’s look at the most common concerns we hear from parents who are trying to
teach their children a growth mindset.

1. I’ve been using growth mindset practices for some weeks now and my
child still tries to quit everything he tries.
Remember, your child’s brain needs time to re-learn and re-wire itself. Be patient and
stick to the practices. It’s important to be consistent with your language and attitude.

It’s also important to


realize some children will
take longer to change
their mindset and that’s
okay.

Choose one activity or


practice and focus on
that. For example, start
with celebrating their
and your mistakes. The
idea is to get your child
accustomed to new ways
of thinking. Let them
get used to one new
thing, and introduce new
practices as you go.

“Today, my 10 yr old daughter finished her math and said, “Mom, I want to tell
you what I’ve learned. I’ve realized that if I just stay focused and keep working, I
find that I really can do the math. It feels good. I think I’m getting more resilient.
Is that a growth mindset?”

Rachel T.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

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Chapter 5

“So far all of my attempts at growth mindset activities and conversations with my
2 boys have been met with jokes and brush offs. I have kept it light hearted for
the most part because I refuse to give up. Yesterday my son was talking about
an activity he was doing with some buddies at indoor recess (making medieval
weapons out of plasticine lol) and how they failed the first time but succeeded
the second time. Then he said to me, “It really was a First Attempt In Learning” I
about fell over!!! They are listening....they are hearing!!!!”

Carol K.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

2. My partner (grandparent, teacher, coach, etc.) thinks growth mindset


is some new age mumbo jumbo. How do I get them on board?
As we cultivate a growth mindset in our families, it’s helpful to recognize that not
everyone will support (or understand) it. And that’s okay.

The most important thing to remember is there’s only ONE person you can change.
And it is YOURSELF. So, the most effective thing to do is to learn to let go and focus on
yourself. You will also be leading by example. As they see you benefiting from a growth
mindset, their presumptions may change.

You can model a growth mindset. You can also be your child’s role model, their pillar
of strength, their guiding light. You can be their safe person, someone they know
they can trust, someone who brings them certainty. You can be the most loving, kind,
and compassionate person in their life so when someone treats them differently, they
will know it’s not the right way.

Remember, it’s all about perspective. Focus on your partner’s strengths and
acknowledge what’s going well. Trust that your partner is doing their best with what
they know, and YOU’re doing your best with what YOU know.

When we accept each other, we are more open to communicating, learning from each
other, and finding the common ground.

Our children are always learning from us so let’s show them an example of respect,
acceptance, and unconditional love.

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Chapter 5

3. How can I teach my child a growth mindset if I myself have a fixed


mindset?
Even though I talked about modeling quite a bit already, I want to emphasize that
modeling is one of the best techniques to teach your child anything in a non-obvious
way.

By simply sharing your everyday experiences and narrating what you’re feeling and
thinking, you will be able to teach your child a great deal of important life lessons.

Don’t worry if you don’t yet have a growth mindset. By sharing your own mindset
transformation journey you will serve as a great example for your child. And they will
learn along with you.

We don’t use the word ‘yet’ in relation to ‘can’t’ in our house. If someone says
they can’t, I say ‘just because you can’t do it *easily*, doesn’t mean you can’t do
it’. Then yesterday I was trying to move some furniture around and got the bed
frame stuck in the doorway, then couldn’t get the bolts loosened to take it apart.
And out of exasperation and a little panic, I said, halfway to myself, ‘I can’t do
this!’. And I heard my little 5 year old from across the room say, ‘what do we say
about can’t, Mom?’ It was a great affirmation that they are listening.

- Joanna P.
“Raising Kids with A Growth Mindset” Facebook Group Member

Final thoughts: growth mindset is a lifestyle


You know how the experts always say, if you want to lose weight, it has to be a lifestyle
change. You can’t just follow a formula and cut out sweets and go for a walk every
day – although this will certainly have some benefits. You need to really embrace and
believe in what you are doing.

That’s the whole point. There is no end. When you open to a growth way of thinking,
and focus on the progress, you will achieve a much deeper level of success because
you will have built the foundation.

When you adopt a growth mindset and teach your children the same, you are arming
them with a lifetime of curiosity and learning, about the world and about themselves.

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REFERENCES
Baycrest Centre for Geriatric Care. “Making Mistakes While Studying Actually Helps
You Learn Better: When Learning Something New, There Are Instances Where Trial
and Error Helps Rather than Hinders, According to Recent Findings by Baycrest
Researchers.” ScienceDaily, ScienceDaily, 11 June 2018, https://www.sciencedaily.com/
releases/2018/06/180611133437.htm.

Brault Foisy, Lorie-Marlène, et al. “Blocking Our Brain: How We Can Avoid Repetitive
Mistakes! · Frontiers for Young Minds.” Frontiers for Young Minds, 14 Dec. 2015, https://kids.
frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/frym.2015.00017.

Briceño, Eduardo. “Mistakes Are Not All Created Equal.” Mindset Works, Mindset Works, 16
Jan. 2015, https://blog.mindsetworks.com/entry/mistakes-are-not-all-created-equal.

Dweck, Carol S. “Even Geniuses Work Hard.” Educational Leadership, no. 68.1, ASCD, Sept.
2010, pp. 16–20, https://blogs.waukeeschools.org/maplegrovepdpost/files/2013/03/Even-
Geniuses-Work-Hard.pdf.

Ericsson, Anders, and Robert Pool. Peak. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2016.

Ericsson, K. Anders, et al. “The Role of Deliberate Practice in the Acquisition of Expert
Performance.” Psychological Review, no. 3, American Psychological Association (APA),
1993, pp. 363–406. Crossref, doi:10.1037/0033-295x.100.3.363.

Ericsson, K. Anders, and Kyle W. Harwell. “Deliberate Practice and Proposed Limits on the
Effects of Practice on the Acquisition of Expert Performance: Why the Original Definition
Matters and Recommendations for Future Research.” Frontiers in Psychology, Frontiers
Media SA, Oct. 2019. Crossref, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02396.

Macnamara, Brooke N., et al. “The Relationship Between Deliberate Practice and
Performance in Sports.” Perspectives on Psychological Science, no. 3, SAGE Publications,
May 2016, pp. 333–50. Crossref, doi:10.1177/1745691616635591.

Michigan State University. “Kids Should Pay More Attention to Mistakes, Study
Suggests.” ScienceDaily, ScienceDaily, 30 Jan. 2017, https://www.sciencedaily.com/
releases/2017/01/170130100240.htm.

Rissanen, Inkeri, et al. “In Search of a Growth Mindset Pedagogy: A Case Study of One
Teacher’s Classroom Practices in a Finnish Elementary School.” Teaching and Teacher
Education, no. Volume 77, Elsevier BV, Jan. 2019, pp. 204–13. Crossref, doi:10.1016/j.
tate.2018.10.002.

Big Life Journal — biglifejournal.com 66

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REFERENCES
Tartakovsky, Margarita. “How to Break Out of the Comparison Trap.” Psych Central,
Psych Central, 30 Aug. 2012, https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-break-out-of-the-
comparison-trap.

Trunk, Penelope. “My 11-Year-Old Son Auditioned at Juilliard, and We Both Learned a Lot
about How Top Performers Practice.” Business Insider, Business Insider, 30 May 2017,
https://www.businessinsider.com/my-11-year-old-son-auditioned-at-juilliard-2017-5?fbclid=I
wAR2WA256K4sZHJC9TWg8iqDrzwgvppmOKQkTs0yt9ow7cqaY6q1_XNn2NJc.

University of Southern California. “Making a Mistake Can Be Rewarding, Study Finds: MRI
Study Shows Failure Is a Rewarding Experience When the Brain Has a Chance to Learn
from Its Mistakes.” ScienceDaily, ScienceDaily, 25 Aug. 2015, https://www.sciencedaily.
com/releases/2015/08/150825103111.htm.

Webber, Rebecca. “The Comparison Trap.” Psychology Today, Psychology Today, 7 Nov.
2017, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/articles/201711/the-comparison-trap.

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Helpful Resources to Help You Put
This All Into Practice AGES 4-10

Big Life Journal for Kids: a beautifully illustrated workbook that's great for
introducing your child to a growth mindset and the power of their brain. It's done
together with a journal buddy (usually, a parent) and has accompanying lesson
plans.

Big Life Journal Buddies Video Series: provide your child with a Growth Mindset
Mentor and designated journal buddy. This engaging Web-TV series enhances
your child's Big Life Journal for Kids experience and can be streamed on any
device.
Big Life Kids Podcast: a free podcast that teaches children growth mindset
lessons in a fun and engaging way. The first and second seasons go together
with Big Life Journal for Kids. The Podcast Activity Kits are also available for
download.

Big Life Journal - Daily Edition: a science-based daily journal that helps
children practice growth mindset thinking, learn about their emotions, and focus
on encouraging, loving thoughts. It's a great sequel to the Big Life Journal for
Kids(original).

Growth Mindset Conversation Cards: a beautifully illustrated deck of 52 cards


that offers interesting questions to help kids and grown-ups share thoughtful
discussions about growth mindset, kindness, resilience, and gratitude.

Growth Mindset Kit for Kids: a collection of printable worksheets, posters, activities,
and coloring pages designed to help children practice applying a growth mindset in
their day-to-day lives.

Resilience Kit for Kids: a collection of printable worksheets and activities that help
children develop high frustration tolerance and learn how to keep going when it's
difficult.

Requires shipping. We ship to the US, A digital resource that requires


Canada, Australia, New Zealand, UK, printing or using a tablet.
EU, Hong Kong, Singapore.
BIGLIFEJOURNAL.COM
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Helpful Resources to Help You Put
This All Into Practice TWEENS
& TEENS

Big Life Journal for Teens: a guided workbook to teach tweens and teens
about the power of the mindset and positive self-talk. A great introduction to
goal-setting and the concept of designing your life.

Growth Mindset Kit for Teens: a collection of printable worksheets to help


teens with negative self-talk, self-doubt, and self-criticism. It's packed with
empowering, thought-provoking, screen-free activities with lasting positive
impact.

PARENTS
Free Friday Printables: the easiest way to get access to the best growth mindset
activities for FREE. Each Friday you will download a new resource and each Monday
you will get a new growth mindset parenting tip in your inbox.

Parenting Masterclasses: our exclusive growth mindset courses designed for busy
parents. Learn how to deal with challenges such as your child's negative self-talk, low
frustration tolerance, fear of failure, and more.

Raising Kids with a Growth Mindset Facebook Group: the place where you can ask your
specific question on parenting and get a ton of helpful advice. The group is moderated and
highly engaged .

Requires shipping. We ship to the US, A digital resource that requires


Canada, Australia, New Zealand, UK, printing or using a tablet.
EU, Hong Kong, Singapore.

BIGLIFEJOURNAL.COM
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Helpful Resources to Help You Put
This All Into Practice
IMPORTANT ARTICLES
7 Ways To Address Your Child's Negative Self-Talk
How to Explain Growth Mindset to Kids: Neuroplasticity Activities
5 Powerful Ways to Help Kids Develop a Growth Mindset in Mathematics
How To Raise Resilient Kids Who Never Give Up

The Ultimate Guide to Praising Your Kids

25 Things You Can Do Right Now To Build a Child’s Confidence


15 Tips to Build Self Esteem and Confidence in Teens

How to Teach Growth Mindset to Teens

HELPFUL LISTS
45 Growth Mindset Mantras

Top 75 Growth Mindset Movies for Children

Top 85 Growth Mindset Books For Children And Adults

Top 40 YouTube Channels for Growth Mindset, Creativity, and Kindness

Top 70 Growth Mindset Television Shows

Top 35 Growth Mindset Podcasts for Kids, Teens, and Parents

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