DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES?

If you and your partner find that one of you wants to make love more often than the other, then I'm glad
you’ve got in touch. It's important to be clear whether the problem is that you actually have different sex
drives. For example, you may feel like having sex once or twice a week but your partner feels frustrated
unless it’s four or five times a week - and that’s how it is most of the time.

That’s different from loss of normal sex drive. A sudden or very significant loss of interest in sex can be due
to many different stresses. It's very common among women after the birth of a baby, or feeling the
pressures of working full-time and running the home, among men having trouble with overwork or losing a
job, and both can be affected by stresses such as money worries or bereavement.

If that's what’s happened in your relationship, then some of what I am about to say here should help you,
but I would suggest that you also drop me a line, and I should be able to send you some information
especially suited to your particular circumstances, such as my detailed free leaflets Reviving Sex Drive or
How to revive a man’s or woman’s sex drive.

However, I do often hear from couples whose problem is different sex drives, both enjoy making love
together regularly but it causes friction between them that one would like to make love so much more
often than the other.

When you think how different we all are in every other aspect of our personalities, then it's hardly
surprising that our sex drives differ. It's all a question of individual make up, and there is no frequency of
making love which can be said to be normal. It doesn't matter whether you make love once a day, once a
week or once a fortnight, as long as you're happy and satisfied. There is nothing automatically better about
a relationship in which the couple have sex every day compared with that of a couple who are content with
once a month. It's quality which counts, how good it makes you both feel.

Because so much emphasis is put on sex these days, though, a couple can tend to assume that it's up to the
person who wants to make love less often to try to rev themselves up to have sex more frequently. In fact,
that can lead to them losing their sex drive almost totally. As in so many areas of relationships, what you
need to work towards is genuine compromise.

Sometimes what’s really needed isn’t more sex so much as more cuddling and demonstrations of affection.
We all need to be kissed and cuddled. If the only time you share physical affection is with sex, then you can
end up feeling starved of affection and imagine this means you need more sex. So, get into the habit of
sharing lots of hugs, kisses and cuddles.

If one of you suggests making love and the other doesn't feel like it, how the refusal is handled can make all
the difference. If you just feel rejected, then obviously there will be hurt and bad feeling will build up. It
helps to say something like "I love you so very much but I don't feel like sex right now." It can soften the
blow still further to offer a cuddle or a back rub, or to ask for a massage if you're feeling exhausted -
anything which keeps you both in close physical contact. And you can say, "Let's make a date for ....." and
then name a time you can get yourself sorted out so that you will then feel you have the time and energy
and interest to make love.
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In fact, many couples troubled by differing sex drives have found a dating system very helpful. It may sound
odd to make dates with someone you live with, especially if you cling to the notion that sex should always
be spontaneous and natural. But most new couples enjoy the dating game, and it can work very well for
settled couples and their sex life too. If one of you would like to make love four times a week and the other
once, you agree to make love on, say, Saturdays and Wednesdays. You make those nights together special -
and you will probably find you can both relax because nobody is pressurising anybody and you both know
where you are.

If one of you specifically needs more sexual relief, it still doesn't mean that this always has to be found
through intercourse, which can make your partner feel very pressured if they're not in the mood. You can
enjoy masturbating, or your partner can bring you to climax manually or orally, which shouldn't feel as
demanding for them as full love-making.

It's also worth reflecting on what your usual experience of sex is like. One of you may be feeling the need
more often because it’s usually rather skimped and hurried, and leaves you feeling unsatisfied. More time
and attention when you do make love might make for a more lastingly satisfying experience for both of
you.

A blend of these different approaches can help you and your partner find a good compromise, even if you
can't exactly match your sex drives. If there’s too much ill-will for compromise then there are more
problems in your relationship than just your differing sex drives. It would be a good idea to get help to
work through them.

GPs vary as to how knowledgeable they are at helping with sexual and relationship difficulties, but your GP
can refer you for expert treatment. Some GPs have specialist training from the Institute of Psychosexual
Medicine, and you can ask the Institute for details of those near you (www.ipm.org.uk, 020 7580 0631).
Most psychosexual medicine services are based in the community, usually attached to family planning
services, but some hospital genito-urinary medicine or GUM clinics - often called the special clinic – can
help with this sort of problem. Treatment is totally confidential and you can usually refer yourself without
having to go through your GP, which can be an advantage.

If you can afford private treatment, you can ask your GP to refer you to a private specialist. This is usually a
better route to a reputable specialist than responding to an advertisement for a private sex clinic, or
contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (www.cosrt.org.uk, 020 8543 2707). You can
also get advice from the Sexual Advice Association (www.sexualadviceassociation.co.uk, 020 7486 7262).
Under-25s can get free help through Brook (www.brook.org.uk).

If tensions in your relationship with your partner or in other areas of your life are getting in the way of your
improving the quality of your love life, they can be relieved by talking about them, and if necessary getting
the skilled help of a counsellor. Reliable counselling for relationship issues is available through Relate who
help online, over the phone and face-to-face (www.relate.org.uk).  Tavistock Relationships are based in
London but you can also access their reputable counselling online (www.tavistockrelationships.org).  In
Scotland contact Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk, 0345 119 2020) and in
Northern Ireland contact Relate NI (www.relateni.org, 028 9032 3454). In the Republic of Ireland ACCORD -
Catholic Marriage Counselling Service – offer marriage counselling services to couples or individuals, and
marital sex therapy/psychosexual counselling is available at key locations (www.accord.ie, 01505 3112).

Another reliable route to find counselling is the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who
can give you details of qualified counsellors and therapists near you (www.bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300). You
can also obtain details of psychotherapists working near you through your GP (and you may then be able to
Different sex drives3

get a referral on the NHS) or by contacting the British Psychotherapy Foundation

(www.britishpsychotherapyfoundation.org.uk, 020 8452 9823). UKCP - United Kingdom Council for
Psychotherapy - holds a national register of psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors who meet
exacting standards and training requirements (www.psychotherapy.org.uk, 020 7014 9955)

Under-25s can get help through The Mix (www.themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).

And of course you can also write to me again telling me more about your problem. I can supply a range of
free leaflets covering sexual problems, such as sex problems after a baby, how to have great sex, women
and orgasm and how to revive sex drive.

I hope you’ve found this useful. I try to check the information in my leaflets regularly but please let me
know if you find anything is out of date.

I hope you’ve found this useful. If you would like more support, please email deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk,
message me on my Dear Deidre official Facebook page or write enclosing a stamped self-addressed
envelope to Dear Deidre, THE SUN, London, SE1 9GF.
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© Deidre Sanders

While I make every effort to ensure the advice and information I provide is accurate and up to date, my service cannot be a
substitute for consulting your own doctor, solicitor or a face-to-face counsellor when needed. I cannot be held responsible or
liable for claims arising out of our correspondence, nor if I have been misled about the facts and circumstances.

19 June 2020

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