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Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate To Narcissistic Parents: Alan Rappoport, PH.D
Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate To Narcissistic Parents: Alan Rappoport, PH.D
Parents
narcissistic person that I have encountered their parents’ needs. They develop their self-
has had narcissistic parents, and the parents concepts based on their parents’ treatment of
of their parents are reported to have been them and therefore often have highly
even more highly narcissistic. inaccurate ideas about who they are. For
example, they may fear that they are
To the extent that parents are narcissistic, inherently insensitive, selfish, defective,
they are controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, fearful, unloving, overly demanding, hard to
intolerant of others’ views, unaware of their satisfy, inhibited, and/or worthless.
children’s needs and of the effects of their
behavior on their children, and require that People who behave co-narcissistically share
the children see them as the parents wish to a number of the following traits: they tend to
be seen. They may also demand certain have low self-esteem, work hard to please
behavior from their children because they others, defer to others’ opinions, focus on
see the children as extensions of themselves, others’ world views and are unaware of their
and need the children to represent them in own orientations, are often depressed or
the world in ways that meet the parents’ anxious, find it hard to know how they think
emotional needs. (For example, a and feel about a subject, doubt the validity
narcissistic father who was a lawyer of their own views and opinions (especially
demanded that his son, who had always been when these conflict with others’ views), and
treated as the “favorite” in the family, enter take the blame for interpersonal problems.
the legal profession as well. When the son
chose another career, the father rejected and Often, the same person displays both
disparaged him.) These traits will lead the narcissistic and co-narcissistic behaviors,
parent to be very intrusive in some ways, depending on circumstances. A person who
and entirely neglectful in others. The was raised by a narcissistic or a co-
children are punished if they do not respond narcissistic parent tends to assume that, in
adequately to the parents’ needs. This any interpersonal interaction, one person is
punishment may take a variety of forms, narcissistic and the other co-narcissistic, and
including physical abuse, angry outbursts, often can play either part. Commonly, one
blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional parent was primarily narcissistic and the
withdrawal, and criticism. Whatever form it other parent primarily co-narcissistic, and so
takes, the purpose of the punishment is to both orientations have been modeled for the
enforce compliance with the parents’ child. Both conditions are rooted in low self-
narcissistic needs. esteem. Both are ways of defending oneself
from fears resulting from internalized
Co-Narcissism criticisms and of coping with people who
evoke these criticisms. Those who are
Children of narcissists tend to feel overly primarily co-narcissistic may behave
responsible for other people. They tend to narcissistically when their self-esteem is
assume that others’ needs are similar to threatened, or when their partners take the
those of their parents, and feel compelled to co-narcissistic role; people who primarily
meet those needs by responding in the behave narcissistically may act co-
required manner. They tend to be unaware narcissistically when they fear being held
of their own feelings, needs, and experience, responsible and punished for another’s
and fade into the background in experience.
relationships.
Narcissistic people blame others for their
Co-narcissistic people are typically insecure own problems. They tend not to seek
because they have not been valued for psychotherapy because they fear that the
themselves, and have been valued by their therapist will see them as deficient and
parents only to the extent that they meet therefore are highly defensive in relation to
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
therapists. They do not feel free or safe what it takes to be assertive in life. Their
enough to examine their own behavior, and tendency to be unexpressive of their own
typically avoid the psychotherapy situation. thoughts and feelings and to support and
Co-narcissists, however, are ready to accept encourage others’ needs creates something
blame and responsibility for problems, and of an imbalance in their relationships, and
are much more likely than narcissists to seek other people may take more of the
help because they often consider themselves interpersonal space for themselves as a
to be the ones who need fixing. result, thereby giving the impression that
they are, in fact, narcissists, as the co-
The image I often keep in mind, and share narcissist fears they are.
with my patients regarding narcissism, is
that the narcissist needs to be in the Co-narcissistic people often fear they will be
spotlight, and the co-narcissist serves as the thought of as selfish if they act more
audience. The narcissist is on stage, assertively. Usually, they learned to think
performing, and needing attention, this way because one or both parents
appreciation, support, praise, reassurance, characterized them as selfish if they did not
and encouragement, and the co-narcissist’s accommodate to the parent’s needs. I take
role is to provide these things. Co-narcissists patients’ concerns that they are selfish as an
are approved of and rewarded when they indication of narcissism in the parents,
perform well in their role, but, otherwise, because the motivation of selfishness
they are corrected and punished. predominates in the minds of narcissistic
people. It is a major component of their
One of the critical aspects of the defensive style, and it is therefore a
interpersonal situation when one person is motivation they readily attribute to (or
either narcissistic or co-narcissistic is that it project onto) others.
is not, in an important sense, a relationship.
I define a relationship as an interpersonal There are three common types of responses
interaction in which each person is able to by children to the interpersonal problems
consider and act on his or her own needs, presented to them by their parents:
experience, and point of view, as well as identification, compliance, and rebellion
being able to consider and respond to the (see Gootnick, 1997, for a more thorough
experience of the other person. Both people discussion of these phenomena).
are important to each person. In a Identification is the imitation of one or both
narcissistic encounter, there is, parents, which may be required by parents in
psychologically, only one person present. order for them to maintain a sense of
The co-narcissist disappears for both people, connection with the child. In regard to
and only the narcissistic person’s experience narcissistic parents, the child must exhibit
is important. Children raised by narcissistic the same qualities, values, feelings, and
parents come to believe that all other people behavior which the parent employs to
are narcissistic to some extent. As a result, defend his or her self-esteem. For example,
they orient themselves around the other a parent who is a bully may not only bully
person in their relationships, lose a clear his child, but may require that the child
sense of themselves, and cannot express become a bully as well. A parent whose self-
themselves easily nor participate fully in esteem depends on his or her academic
their lives. achievement may require that the child also
be academically oriented, and value (or
All these adaptations are relatively devalue) the child in relation to his or her
unconscious, so most co-narcissistic people accomplishments in this area. Identification
are not aware of the reasons for their is a response to the parent seeing the child as
behavior. They may think of themselves as a representative of himself or herself, and is
inhibited and anxious by nature, lacking the price of connectedness with the parent. It
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
with the children and his tendency to be patient can benefit from the experience of a
interpersonally disconnected and insensitive. healthy relationship in which both
She was also troubled by the degree of participants can express themselves and find
influence his parents had over him. Mario value and satisfaction in their experience
had some appreciation for the validity of with each other.
Jill’s concerns, and was distressed by the
problems that occurred in his relationship As the therapy progressed, Mario reported
with Jill. enjoying his children more, feeling less
co-opted by his mother and seeing her more
Mario made good use of therapy. He clearly, isolating himself less, and
initially discussed his wife’s concerns, and experiencing a greater enjoyment of his life
the problems these created for him. Her and the people in it.
concerns primarily centered around his ________
tendency to isolate himself, to go about his
affairs without considering his effect on Jane is the daughter of a narcissistic father
others, and not to maintain or value a close and a co-narcissistic mother. Jane’s father
emotional connection with his children. She was domineering with the family and with
was also concerned about his tendency to his employees in the highly successful
idealize his parents, particularly his mother, business he built, although, interestingly, he
and to make excuses for her behavior and was quite co-narcissistic in relation to his
not to recognize her self-centeredness with own father. Jane’s father was highly critical
regard to himself or his family members. of her, her sister, and her mother. Jane’s
But Mario soon was able to understand how mother had been severely rejected and
the experiences he had with his parents criticized as a child and, as a result, she
made it difficult for him to relate to others in developed a strong sense of worthlessness, a
a way that was satisfying to himself or to the loss of inner-directedness, and a tendency to
other person. He appreciated the therapist’s accommodate to the expectations of others.
interest in him, his ability to think about Jane’s mother twice tried to divorce her
things from Mario’s point of view, and the husband, but her low self-esteem prevented
value there was in understanding how his her from doing so; nevertheless, she did
past experiences affected his current view of decide to go to graduate school while raising
himself and others. In addition to spending her children, earned a Ph.D. in art, and
time analyzing Mario’s past and current taught at the college level. However, the
relationships, many of the sessions consisted criticism and denigration she received from
of Mario’s describing his daily activities and her husband reinforced her low sense of
his plans for the future. It was very self-esteem and prevented her from
beneficial to him to have someone who was recognizing her talents or respecting herself.
interested in listening to him and who Jane, despite her high intelligence and
enjoyed learning about him and sharing his independent spirit, did not do well either in
life. Other than in his relationship with Jill, school or socially. She seemed to lack the
this was a new experience for him, and it motivation to succeed, although while in
greatly helped him to have a better sense of college she started a home design business
self-esteem. The key for Mario, and for most and consulted in graphic design. None of her
people who suffer from the narcissistic/co- efforts brought recognition or approval from
narcissistic dilemma, was to experience a her father, who was relentlessly disparaging.
relationship in which neither person has to As a result of the constant undermining by
sacrifice himself for the other, and each can her father, and the co-narcissistic model
appreciate what the other has to offer. While presented by her mother, Jane came to
the therapy relationship is focused on the believe that she was unable to succeed in a
patient, it is important that the therapist career and could not form satisfying, stable
engage in it as a real relationship, so that the relationships. Her relationships were marked
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
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Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.